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Yoongi has always been so selfish.
Even when he drove back to the city he didn’t realize Jimin was only a name sit in his passenger seat.
It is a rage of the stiff mind, his soul is on fire of endless wishes that he knows too well will never comes crossed off the list. He once had contemplate on giving away some wishes, just so he can catch one or two hours of sleep. Because honestly, it is tiring to keep hoping and hoping and hoping to be slapped by reality that nothing will comes right for him.
Not like this.
Not when all Yoongi ever do now is laying helplessly. But Yoongi thinks that he is not one hundred percent helpless, he doesn’t need a help. Instead, he likes to show the breeze air around him that he only wants to sleep forever, not a help. He never expect a help from anyone. Anyone but Jimin. But Jimin is not here so he doesn’t need a help!, he laughs to himself. The laugh sounds so desperate in a low volume. He is too weak to laugh but he does so just to perform an I’m alive sign for anyone that comes to his apartement.
Hoseok came days ago, Jin comes everyday only to bring a new fresh food and throw away the untouched food he brought yesterday, Namjoon accompanies Jin sometimes. Tahyung is not coming around anymore after four days ago Yoongi told him to just go away and burn in hell because really, who needs help I only need Jimin! Yet Jungkook comes again today even after he witnessed Yoongi snapping at Taehyung. Maybe Taehyung is giving up on him. Maybe the others will soon follow; but Yoongi is the least to give a fuck about it. He does not really give fucks to anything nowadays.
Sometimes along the day, he plays the very long sad playlist in his phone that laid several inches away in the floor. He doesn’t even stop the music once he knows he is sleepy and will soon drift off to a short yet awful slumber because Yoongi always dream of him. His last orange hair, his subtle touch, his playful cute smile, the lit in his eyes, or the blue fresh sky, the pounding water in vast sea, or just sea in general and always in one frame with Jimin’s existence in Yoongi life. Sometimes he hums along the songs and droplets of tears acompanying him, touching the pillow behind his head. Yoongi remembers all the tears he used to not have when Jimin was here because Jimin always the one who was in tears. Jimin was always in tears, of happiness several times but mostly of the sorrow Yoongi brought in his life.
Yoongi knows he needs to set up his mind. And he is not really a fan of having his mind touched by reality.
Most of the time, he only lays still, with clouds in his head that contain too many thought, too many aches in his heart, too many whys and if onlys he keeps repeating until Yoongi hears a sweet laugh that isn’t his in his dream. The laugh he misses so much but he can only replay in his head. Yoongi doesn’t even eat anymore, he only bites his own over grown bangs when the sting in his heart becomes too much. Yoongi still stumbles to kitchen, though, to get water. But there are too many pieces of broken things in the floor from every glass he accidentally dropped the day before (and before and before and before) because he always feels like fainting most days.
After that, he goes back to his room. Everywhere except his room are mere surfaces Yoongi pities, because he can not in touch with them anymore. After weeks of neglecting them, it just feels wrong to lay in the sofa in living room, or sit in front of his piano, or just check his so-called-studio he doesn’t realize it exists anymore.
Yoongi only changes his bed sheets sometimes, when he is too overwhelmed by the lingering scent, because it smells of nothing and everything of him. He is not sure why, after all these weeks it still smells like sea, like Jimin, or why, after all these sorrow there is no traces of him Yoongi can forget.
Maybe because you are a bastard, Yoongi self-telling himself one night, and an idiot at the same time. Everything is so quiet. The sound of night’s wind is redeemed by the voices talking in his head. Yoongi is not sure whose voice is that, is that his angel or his devil? But he only knows so much that he is already a mix of both so why bother to separate their voices?
And the sun is peeking finally on him again, telling his mind that it is another day. Another day of what, Yoongi doesn’t have the courage to sending his fiber an answer. Because the truth is, his body understands too many secrets his mind tries to bury. It will be another day of waiting on miracles to bring back Jimin to his life.
Another day of lies he keeps living that miracles will do come.
Because, who the fuck he is to bring back a lifeless body somewhere deep in the sea to life?
Yoongi is too selfish to realize that reality is better than any dreams he has ever have, thinking that the world revolves around him.
“We will jumped together on three, okay?”
“Okay. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“I love you, I love you, I love you.”
And Yoongi is too selfish to realize that he was the one who didn’t jump off the hill because he was a plain selfish soul.
“I love you, I love you, I love you.”