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“How do you feel about winter?”
Winter might hold a sorrowful memory for you. Winter might hold a comfortable memory too. You yourself don’t know how to answer that question accurately. As it holds a lot of memories and a lot of things that makes you unsure how to answer the question.
If one way or another people asking what is the reason behind it, it’s all because of a night on your second winter in Seoul.
If one way or another people asking about what happened during the first winter, the answer is simple. There’s nothing special that would leave a memory. It’s just a winter without snow. Only cold breeze and simple hangouts with your friends.
If one way or another people wondering why must it be the second winter, the answer isn’t as simple as the first. It has a long story that people might not understand if you answered it simply. To make everyone understand why you’re confused to answer the question, let’s just trace back your memories.
It all started from a certain winter night.
In a cold room, you snuggled with your blanket on your bed, trying to make yourself warm. Your knees were brought up to your chest, making yourself small. Tens and hundreds of things were spinning around your head, thinking about thousands of scenarios.
Streaks of tears were noticeable if people saw you from a certain distance. You felt so wrecked. Hurt, sad, anger, guilt… Emotions were piling up. You couldn’t stand it. You needed someone to be there by your side. Someone who would listen to your sorrow that moment. Someone who would comfort you and telling you that it’s okay, telling you that you could overcome your sadness, telling you that it’s okay to cry if you’re feeling down.
But… that someone wasn’t there at that time. No matter how much you wanted them to be there, they’re not there.
Ring ring.
The sound of your ringtone caught your attention. You took your phone and answering without bothering to see who called you. You mustered up your courage to speak clearly, “Hello…?” But, a weak and hoarse voice came out instead.
“(Y/n)… What happened to you? Are you sick?” A deep and masculine voice asked. Judging from his tone, you could tell that he’s totally worried.
You stayed quiet for a while before answering him, “A lot of problems…”
Silence passed by after you said that. Both sides didn’t say anything. Just utter silence. You started to wonder if the other person had already turned off the call or doing something else.
“(Y/n)… Are you free right now?”
“More than ever.” You answered without a tone.
The other person took a while before asking you out, “Want to go somewhere and chill your mind out?”
Without further ado, you answered, “Sure.”
“Meet me at Hangang Park. I’ll wait for you.”
As he ended the phone call, you brought your phone down slowly and let it fall to your bed. You didn’t move from your original position, you didn’t have the energy either. It took a whole five minutes for you to get out from your blanket.
As you stood up, coldness once again engulfed your body, attacking you with several slaps of coldness. You decided to ignore it and change your clothes. Even if your condition was like that, you couldn’t break a promise…
As you were finished dressing up–with a warm coat and long pants–you took your bag. You didn’t even care what bag that you’ll bring. Your mind was too tired to think about things like that. You shoved everything inside the bag. Money, charger, power bank, keys, earphones. Well, things that you might need in general.
As soon as you think everything is set, you went outside, locked the door, and walked your way to the Hangang Park.
After arriving at the park, you sat at one of the empty benches. You stared at the river. Reflection of the moon was clearly noticeable on the water. It looked so bright and pretty. The calm water makes the reflection clear, no ripples.
It was too beautiful…
“Hey, (y/n).”
Hearing your name being called didn’t make you turn your back instantly. You took a last glance at the reflection of the moon before you turned your back slowly.
You see a tall man, wearing tidy clothes with a beanie on his head. He gave you a warm dimpled smile. There was no mistaking it, it was your best friend.
“Namjoon…” Your voice called out the other person’s name slowly. “Why are you here…” Your voice was small and weak, just like what you were feeling at that time.
He gave out a small smile to you. “I asked you to meet me here, right?”
“Oh…” You suddenly realized that you didn’t even notice who you’re calling with. “So, it’s you…”
“Are you disappointed?”
You shook your head. “Not really. I wasn’t paying attention to things so… that’s why.”
He nodded, understanding your situation. “Can I sit beside you?”
You hummed, accepting his offer while pulling my bag into my lap so he could sit beside you. You turned your back once again to face the river. As you silently took the scenery to your memory, you felt Namjoon sat beside me.
Your eyes didn’t move away from the reflection of the moon but you could tell that Namjoon was ruffling, doing something that you didn’t even recognize.
After a few more ruffling, a cup was proffered to you. Looking at the cup for a moment, you stared at Namjoon.
He gave you a smile while handing the cup. “It’s hot chocolate. I know you like to drink hot drinks when it’s cold.”
“Thank you…” Mumbling a small gratitude, you took the drink and held it on your hands, feeling the warmth from it.
“Did something happen to you, (y/n)?” Namjoon asked as he took his drink and drank it a little. “Well, something must’ve happened but do you need to rant or something? I’m all ears, baby.”
You exhaled a long breath before staring down at your drink. “Something did happen but…” You just couldn’t bring yourself to talk about it. Your voice failed you, you couldn’t muster any more words. Your grip on your drink tightened but you decided to put it down before you make a mess.
“Hey, (y/n)…” Namjoon called out softly. “Don’t force yourself. If you don’t want to tell me about it, don’t do it.” He put his drink aside to hold both of your hands. His warm hands engulfed yours, sharing his warmth to you.
You closed your eyes for a moment and looked straight at the moon reflection. “Let’s just say, I had experienced something bad and it won’t get out from my head since that bad thing happened.”
He hummed, understanding the situation you’re in. He released his grip on your hands, leaving your hand with a sheer wave of coldness. You played with your thumb, trying to ease the nervousness. “I’ve been trying to get it out from my mind but it keeps failing so…” You couldn’t find another word to explain what you were feeling at that moment.
Silence passed between both of you.
Neither would talk, one of them was reconsidering of his next action, and one of them was sitting and rethinking about their previous experience.
However, the ice of silence cracked as Namjoon spoke softly to you, “(Y/n), can I hug you?”
You glanced to his side for a while, considering about his request. You knew that Namjoon isn’t someone who would do something idiotic or bad to you. He’s your best friend! Even before you came to Korea, he’s the one who you relied on. You trusted Namjoon so you agreed to his request. There’s no harm for you to receive a hug from him.
After he heard your answer, he fixed his position to give a hug to you from the side. He stayed like that for a while, patting your arms as he’s on it. You felt he had exhaled a deep breath before he released the hug. He sat up straight, facing the front, and pulled you to his shoulder so you can lean on it. His arm held you tight but comfortably.
“(Y/n).” His soft voice called you, “Look at the river.” You obeyed him and looked straight to the river. “What do you see?”
It was the moon.
The reflection of the moon.
“I see the moon on the river.” It shone brightly but at the same time, it was dim. “It’s so beautiful, shining, even though darkness surrounds it.” Words came out automatically, out of awe.
Those words couldn’t express how you think about the reflection that time.
“In this dark night, the moon obviously stands out the most, no?” You nodded, fully agreeing of what he said. “Since it’s so bright, people would automatically look at the moon if all lights were off. The radiance of the moon attracts attention just because of how it shines.” Namjoon spoke slowly. “But little did people know; the moon has its reflection. Something that you can call its real self, its inner side.”
You stole a glance at Namjoon. His gaze looked so sincere. You could tell even though his gaze wasn’t directed to you. He looked at the reflection as if he’s listening at the reflection who was telling Namjoon a hidden message.
It felt peaceful at that moment.
“There are many reasons why the reflection looks so beautiful.” he continued, “It could be the calm river, the lighting around the river, and much more. That real side of the moon looks so beautiful in everyone’s eyes. Just like every person in this world should be. But what will happen of someone threw a rock to the river?”
Without yourself knowing, your fingers started to play with each other as you tried to comprehend what he wanted to say. But instead, you answered with a simple sentence, “The river will have ripples.”
It was an undeniable truth.
“That’s right and because of those ripples, the reflection will distort and its radiance will reduce. As a result, some might not happy with it and leave, some might pretend that they didn’t notice, and so much more.” His hands on your arm made a small caress, which made you feel calmer than before. “However, even if it’s like that, some would stay and wait for the reflection to be back.”
The gears on your mind started to work. You started to understand what he was saying. His words showed, not only comfort, but a deep meaning too.
“As time passes by, the ripples will fade and the reflection will radiate its beauty like before.”
His carefully recited words touched a small part at your heart. You couldn’t deny that he hit the right spot. Even though you didn’t tell him anything, he could tell that you’re in distress, just like the distorted reflection when the ripples messed the reflection up.
Just a simple reflection held such meaning.
Namjoon shifted his sitting position, made you need to sit up straight so that he wouldn’t have difficulties. But eventually, you found him on the eye. The boy himself returned your gaze, he looked straight at yours. He offered a small, yet warm smile and held both of your hands in his.
“The rock means hardships and problems, the ripples are your emotions, and the reflection is you.” His thumb caressed your hand slowly, calming you with a simple gesture. “It’s okay if your emotion wavers for a while, it’s okay if you took a long time to recover, it’s okay… People who know your true worth, people who adore you will wait for you, comfort you, even lending you a shoulder to cry on. No matter how long it takes, people who truly love you will always remember your radiance and will always wait until you recover yourself.”
Something… something made your heart squeeze. His words hit you hard. You feel something twisted, as if your heart tells you that those words were the words that you wanted to hear. The words that accurately describes you.
Namjoon pulled you into a hug. “That’s why, (Y/n), even if you’re experiencing bad things, had a fight, or heard some bad news, you can always take your time to recover.” He whispered slowly to your ear. He whispered so that the moment only reserved to both of you. “You don’t need to force yourself to do things that could make you feel worse. It doesn’t matter if it’s a time alone or a rant to your friends, you deserve to heal your broken emotions.”
He released the hug and once again, looked straight at your teary eyes. “I don’t ask anything specific but I only want you to know that people who dearly know and love you will be there for you whenever you need them,” He whispered the last word and that last word is “always.”
Memories were coming back, invading your mind, reminding you about the emotion you’ve felt not long ago. When you were sitting on your bed, you told yourself that you don’t want to that incident to suffice again if you had forgotten it, as it will make you feel depressed.
However, just like you, people will have their own ripples. The thing that makes yours and their ripples different is the impact. People might receive a bigger impact than yours, people might receive less. But it doesn’t change the fact that people have ripples.
People will eventually try to return to their bright self, where the ripples has faded. Your beloved ones will support you, will help you when you have your problems, just like what Namjoon did to you. If doesn’t matter if it takes hours, days, weeks, or maybe months. Just like Namjoon said, “People who truly love you will always remember your radiance and will always wait until you recover yourself.”
That’s why we should never feel bad for having some time to recover. People who truly love you will always wait for you.
A tear fell from your eyes, making a trail down through your cheeks. You sobbed, tears were coming out. Even though tears were flowing like that, you didn’t know why it doesn’t stop.
You threw yourself to Namjoon, crying silently at his broad shoulders. Namjoon himself didn’t mind with it. He caressed your back, making a few pats to comfort you.
“Let out everything you want, (Y/n). I’ll be here waiting for you.”
As he said that, you did what you’ve been told. You let out every tear that were begging to be spilled. Every time you let a tear fall, a small part of your frustration fell along with your tear.
It took you a few minutes to finish crying. You parted yourself from Namjoon and brushed the tears off your face.
You gave the man in front of you a smile. “Thank you, Namjoon.” You really hoped that your feelings and your sincere smile would reach Namjoon. You felt really glad that Namjoon was there for you.
He returned a smile to you. “No problem. I’m glad you’re willing to have me by your side.” He giggled, making his dimples visible to you, even in the dark of the night.
As you stared at his face, you feel something soft fell to your face. You looked up to see what caused it, instead you see rain of white particles.
“Is this snow?”
You slowly mumbled to yourself. You had never seen snow. For you to live in a place where snow is scarce before you moved to Korea, you felt amazed to see such beautiful thing.
You cupped your hand and saw a handful of it fell to your palm. It melted slowly as it reacted to your body heat. Seeing those snow to fall on a beautiful sight, it truly amazed you.
Seeing yourself amazed at the sight of the falling snow, Namjoon giggled and asked you, “Is this the first time you’ve seen snow?”
You nodded as an answer.
“Actually, winter is my favorite time of the year.” He spoke as he watched the snow to fall. “One of the reason is the beauty of some places when snow falls on them.” He turned his face to look at you. “What do you think about snow? Isn’t it beautiful?”
“Yeah.” You smiled at him in return. “It is beautiful. I never thought that seeing snow would be an amazing thing like this.
As you see the snow falling down, your heart calmed down, making its way to comfort. All you felt at that moment is peace and comfort. You leaned yourself at Namjoon’s shoulder, smiling at the view. It was a really calming memory.
“Thank you, Namjoon, for staying on my side.” As you said that, a smile crept out without warning, decorating your face with a sincere feeling.
As for Namjoon, you didn’t see it but you definitely felt it, he smiled when he replied back to you, “Your welcome. I would say the same to you.”
That night, both of you stayed and watched the beautiful scenery of the falling snow.
That whole experience of your second winter on Seoul makes you go back to the first question. “How do you feel about winter?”
You couldn’t say for sure. Winter holds so much emotions for you. You could say that winter holds a sorrowful memory. You could say that winter holds a comforting memory. You could also say that winter holds so much amazing things, like your first time seeing snow, and so much more.
You know that you are not alone whenever you are down. Thanks to Namjoon, you’ve realized that.
Winter holds so much feelings and emotions.
If you were being asked once again, “How do you feel about winter?”, I guess you could settle with something.
Let’s just say that winter is a very memorable season for you.