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The first time Chris asked him to help Sawamura, Shinji blurted, without even really thinking about it, "Why me?"
He blushed, regretting his rudeness, but not taking back the words. Everyone knew how much he disliked Sawamura--he hadn’t exactly made it a secret that he thought the pitcher was a loud little upstart who didn’t deserve to be on first string.
Chris looked startled for a moment, before he smiled. It took Shinji aback, still not used to that particular expression.
"If it’s you, he’ll learn whether he wants to or not. I’m counting on you, Kanemaru."
Shinji blushed again, this time with unwilling pride. "Yeah, well, I guess..."
He’d beat Sawamura’s brain into shape because Chris asked him to. Besides, it might be a little fun having him at his mercy.
And he supposed he owed the twerp for bringing Chris out of his gloomy shell, even if indirectly.
He never expected Sawamura to ask himself, though.
***
The thing that annoyed Shinji the most about Sawamura wasn’t his obnoxious wailing over every little thing; it wasn’t that he was so unbelievably dumb; it wasn’t even that he’d made first string despite being grossly unqualified. No, what got on his nerves the most was how Sawamura treated everyone exactly the same, whether they liked him or not.
Shinji heckled him, picked at every single flaw, bluntly told him how stupid he thought he was, but Sawamura never seemed to take it to heart. If their roles were reversed, Shinji would hate him. It seemed so simple.
But then again, Shinji thought, as he watched Kuramochi put Sawamura into a headlock, Miyuki say something cutting about his ball control, and Ryousuke chop him in the head--all in a matter of minutes--his own bullying might not even register in the grand scheme of things.
That was kind of a scary thought, to be honest.
***
"No no no, we’ve gone over this eleven times. You solve the equation inside the parentheses first! If you can’t grasp something so simple, how do you expect to be able to understand the rest of this?"
"But-but I got the right answer!"
"By accident, you Fluke King! That won’t work on the rest of these! Redo it! The right way and show your work!"
"You’re so mean!"
"I wouldn’t have to be so ‘mean’ if you weren’t such an idiot."
***
Sawamura really did work hard, which surprised Shinji. He got distracted easily, he didn’t understand some very basic things, and he cried when Shinji returned his worksheets practically dripping from the red marker he’d bought to specifically to mark incorrect answers.
But he never gave up. And it took a while, but once he did understand something, he didn’t forget it. And when he got a passing grade, he was sincerely grateful. Shinji blew off his thanks, of course, but if he was honest with himself he was a little proud. Very little.
He kept tutoring Sawamura, even once midterms were over. It wouldn’t do if he fell behind, after all the work Shinji’d put in to bring him (barely) up to par.
***
"What’s this?"
"What does it look like, stupid?" Shinji set the bowl on the table and pushed it toward Sawamura, who was turning a little green. He plunked down so he could monitor. Observe. Whatever.
"Kanemaru! I already ate enough! I’m gonna barf!"
"You’ve lost about a kilogram since this heatwave started. You need to keep up your strength, even if it makes you sick. Eat."
Sawamura grumbled and groaned, but he ate every last bit.
***
The next favor Chris asked for was a bit harder.
"OW, FUCK. You little...you’re doing it on purpose!"
"You do realize dead balls aren’t good, right Sawamura?" Chris asked dryly, throwing the ball back.
Shinji was glad now that Chris had insisted on full protective gear. Even through the padding, Sawamura’s pitches hurt, a lot more than the relative speed of the ball might suggest. Mostly because he didn’t know where, or even whether, they were going to hit, so every one was a surprise.
"I know that!" Sawamura yelled, testy. His frustration was obvious, and even Shinji could see he was stiffening up.
Shinji took a deep breath, cracked his neck, and shook it off. For the team, for the team, he kept repeating to himself. If this could help Sawamura gain control of his pitches, he’d deal with a thousand bruises. He stepped back into the batter’s box, hugging the inside even closer.
Chris raised his eyebrows at him behind his mask. "You’re sure you want to do that, Kanemaru?"
"Yeah," he said. He couldn’t say why--he was practically begging to be hit in this position--but it felt right somehow.
"You seriously better not complain if you get hit this time!" Sawamura hollered, but he’d lost some of the tightness.
The next ball was flawless, high inside, and Shinji actually felt the wind as it passed.
It had been trust that made him step forward, but not in the traditional sense. He didn’t trust Sawamura--but he did trust in his ability to surprise people.
"Nice ball!" Chris yelled. He was grinning. Much to his own shock, Shinji was, too.
Sawamura threw his fist in the air, shouting his head off victoriously.
***
Shinji’s head was throbbing. "Sa-wa-mu-ra. What are you doing?"
Sawamura looked up from where he was clinging to Shinji’s waist, brown eyes barely visible through his wide grin. "I’m thanking you!"
Sawamura let go, and held up a sheet of paper. Shinji yanked it away so he could make sure his eyes weren’t playing tricks on him. "This--this is great! I can’t believe it!"
"Neither could I!" Sawamura said, bouncing on his heels gleefully. "It’s all thanks to you!"
Shinji blushed, flustered. "No, I was just--"
"Seriously! I’ve never gotten a grade this good in my life, no matter how hard I tried. It’s definitely because of you! You’re an awesome teacher!"
Shinji took the pride that swelled in him and stomped on in viciously. "Fine. Then if you really want to thank me you’ll buy me lunch."
"Eh?"
"I think I’ll have a sandwich. A really expensive one," Shinji said, smirking as Sawamura’s eyes went wide.
"Kanemaru!"
***
"Can I ask you a question, Chris-senpai?"
Chris looked up, blinking a little, from the data he’d been going over. Shinji hated to interrupt, but something had been bothering him for awhile.
"Why do you keep asking me to help with Sawamura. I mean...," Shinji looked away. It was unexpectedly difficult to say this to his senior. "I don’t like him. I can sort of understand why you do. If I squint. But I find him loud and annoying and I’d honestly rather throw him off a roof sometimes than spend time with him."
"Is that really true?" Chris asked. He sounded surprised. "I thought you got along rather well."
"Are you blind? Shit, sorry. I mean. No, not really. We don’t. At all, actually."
"Hmm. Sawamura seems to respect you. I just assumed you were on good terms. If it bothers you, I can ask someone else."
Shinji shrugged uncomfortably. "I don’t mind doing favors for you, I was just wondering."
"Well," Chris said, tapping his lips with his pen, thinking, "I didn’t really have a reason for you specifically. You’re competent, and a good student, and my roommate so you were convenient. Mainly, I needed someone who was steady. Someone Sawamura couldn’t railroad right over with his personality. He tends to do that if you give him the slightest leeway. Even I’m not immune to getting caught up in his pace," he admitted, though with a fair amount of fondness.
"Oh," Shinji said. "And you think I’m like that?"
Chris shrugged. "I guess I did."
Shinji was weirdly stung by the past tense.
***
Sawamura was late.
"Stupid pitcher probably lost track of time again," Shinji grumbled, slipping his feet in his shoes so he could go in search of his classmate.
Just as he reached for the door it opened, admitting Chris. "Where are you going? It’s late."
"It’s Tuesday. Sawamura never showed, so I’m going to look for him."
"Oh. You don’t have to. I asked Haruichi to take over for you. He likes Sawamura but doesn’t let him push him around, which is what I was worried about initially with those two."
"But--"
"You don’t have to force yourself for my sake," Chris said, clapping his hand on Shinji’s shoulder. "I shouldn’t have made you feel obligated."
"I wasn’t--That’s not--"
"What?" Chris frowned.
"Nothing," Shinji didn’t even know why he was arguing. He should be relieved, right?
So why did he feel so unsettled?
***
"Did I do something to make you mad?"
Shinji looked up to find Sawamura had taken the seat in front of his, sitting backwards. He looked so genuinely concerned that it spiked Shinji’s temper.
"Other than exist? No not particularly." Shinji went back to doodling on his returned homework.
"Mean!" Sawamura whined. "Why did you stop being my tutor then?"
"I have stuff to do too, Sawamura," Shinji muttered. It was the same thing he’d been telling himself since Tuesday. "If I spend all my time taking care of you, I’ll never get good enough to make first string."
Silence. Had Sawamura wandered off? That would be just like him. Shinji looked up, frowning.
Sawamura was still there, hands clenched on the back of his chair. "Hah! That’s it," he murmured. "Sorry for bothering you, then. Thank you for taking care of me so far."
Sawamura stood up quickly and returned to his seat just as the teacher entered the classroom, so Shinji couldn’t stop him. Not that he knew what he’d say, anyway.
***
This gloomy atmosphere was getting on Shinji’s nerves. Sawamura was moping like he’d been dumped or something. He just sat there listlessly in class, not paying attention but not making a ruckus either. Maybe something had happened with that girl he was always texting.
Shinji shook off the brief shiver of dissatisfaction. Not my problem, he thought firmly, but he pressed too hard on his notebook and the lead on his mechanical pencil broke.
During practice, he and everyone else were startled when Chris’s voice rang over the practice field. "What’s gotten into you today!? You’re all over the place, Sawamura!"
He couldn’t hear what Sawamura’s response was, but Chris seemed to notice most of the team was looking at them and lowered his voice. He waved everyone off and walked up to Sawamura, conversing in low tones. The pitcher took off his hat and swiped his sleeve over his forehead, nodding. He trudged out of the bullpen.
The heat? Shinji guessed. But Sawamura performed fine in much hotter weather than this. Whatever’s got him depressed, then?
"Oi Kanemaru! Focus!"
Shinji blinked, and realized he’d let three balls pass him by. He scowled.
Not my problem!
The last straw came at dinner. Shinji set his tray down at the table with his friend, then searched out Sawamura by habit, to make sure he had enough on his tray. He didn’t. And what he did have he was just poking at disinterestedly.
Shinji unconsciously stood to go get him another bowl of rice, then froze. Not my problem. Right. He slowly sat back down. Still, shouldn’t Sawamura's tablemates be making him eat?
He needn’t have worried--someone did approach the table with bowl piled high with rice. Kuramochi. Shinji slumped. Good. If it was a senpai, Sawamura would heed him.
Shinji focused on his meal, but a few moments later Kuramochi shouted, "You ungrateful little--! What’s with this attitude? Did you get dumped or something?"
Shinji marveled that the world continued spinning, that everything went on completely as normal, because for him it felt like everything stopped when Sawamura looked up and their eyes met for just a brief moment.
He couldn’t hear what Sawamura said, but he saw his lips move, and then he stood. He walked calmly over to the bin, dumped his tray, and continued on out of the cafeteria.
Shinji was on his feet before he even realized what he intended, nearly tripping over the bench in his haste.
"Kanemaru?"
"I, uh, forgot something. See you later."
He caught up with Sawamura as he was nearing his room, grabbing him by the arm.
"What did you say just now?" he demanded sharply. He didn’t know why, but he felt like it was very important that he know.
"What are you talking about?" Sawamura said, struggling to get away.
"Just now. To Kuramochi-senpai. What did you say?"
"Oh that," Sawamura said. He stopped struggling, but looked away uncomfortably. "It doesn’t matter."
"Humor me."
"What do you care? Aren’t I just a bother?"
"Yes. And it’s bothering me that you won’t tell me!"
"Fine! I said, ‘or something,’ happy now? Lemme go!"
"You said ‘or something.’" Shinji repeated slowly. "After you looked at me."
Sawamura’s eyes widened and he renewed his struggles in earnest. "Let go!"
Shinji ignored him, the pieces beginning to fall into place. Sawamura’s funk--in retrospect it had begun right after their conversation last week, but he’d thought it was just a coincidence. "You like me!"
"Shut up! I don’t!"
"What the hell! Are you a masochist? I treat you like crap!" Shinji shouted, grabbing him with his other hand and shaking him by the shoulders. This idiot!
"You don’t though!" Sawamura yelled back. "You’re strict and all, and you can be mean sometimes, but you take care of me! Or," and then, terrifyingly, his eyes started brimming with tears, "you used to."
"Hey! Stop that!" Shinji commanded, panicking a little. "Don’t you dare start crying right now, that’s way too cliche!"
"I lied! I do l-like y--mph!"
Shinji slapped his hand over Sawamura’s mouth, blushing furiously. "You are seriously a moron, aren’t you? We’re in public! If you’re going to confess, do it privately!"
Sawamura reached up and tugged Shinji’s hand down from his face. "What?"
Shinji wrinkled his nose, wiping the snot and tears on Sawamura’s jersey. "You heard me," he muttered. "Also you are a sloppy fucking crier. Gross."
"I don’t understand."
Shinji sighed. Of course he doesn’t.
He pulled Sawamura to his room, waited impatiently for him to unlock the door, then crowded him in, flipping on the light.
"Okay, now do it," Shinji said, crossing his arms.
Sawamura stared.
"Come on. Confess to me."
More staring.
"I’ll leave," Shinji threatened. It was bald lie. He had no intention of leaving.
"I like you," Sawamura said quietly, looking at the floor and blushing. It was kind of cute, Shinji thought clinically.
"Hey hey, where’s that annoying spirit? Tell me to my face, Sawamura. Are you scared?"
Sawamura snapped his head up. "Of course I’m scared! I really like you and you’re--"
Shinji kissed him, hands coming up to hold his head in place. It was salty and altogether more wet than Shinji was expecting, but it was also nice. Sawamura tasted like curry and tears. Heaven didn’t open up to shine down on them and the world didn’t suddenly burst into stars. He was glad. He thought if something like that happened he would seriously have to murder Sawamura.
He did feel a coil of heat at the base of his spine as Sawamura’s hands clamped onto his wrists, and he opened his mouth just a bit to tentatively lick at Shinji’s lips.
Shinji pulled back then. Sawamura looked dazed. "No tongue until you can throw eight out of ten balls to the high inside without hitting the batter."
"Huh?"
That glassy look really suited him. Kanemaru wondered what else he could do to get it.
"And if you make a sixty-five or above on the History exam we will go on one date."
"Wait, Kanemaru--" a look of horror began to dawn on Sawamura’s face. Good.
"And, you will go back to the cafeteria right now and finish three bowls of rice or you’ll get no good night kiss from me. For a week."
"So mean. Kanemaru!" he whined, burying his face in Shinji’s shirt.
Shinji cupped the back of his head gently. "Idiot," he said affectionately. Chris’s words from before came back to him. He thought he might understand what Chris really meant now.
He needs someone who’ll look after him without being blinded by him.
It was a tall order, but Kanemaru felt up to the task. He wasn’t into putting people on pedestals.
He dragged Sawamura back to the cafeteria, where he dutifully earned his goodnight kiss.