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Chapter 1: Futile Resistance
All Nisaka wanted to do was to scream. To scream at Neji for believing that he was in love with Takazaki, at himself for keeping his mouth shut yet still hoping for a sign that would never come, that would tell him it was okay to love Neji, that the insensitive airhead returned his feelings. An absurd thought.
~*~
He could still feel the curious eyes of the two girls, while he and Neji were staring at each other, the latter utterly confused.
“She is not?” Neji’s brittle logic was silently cumbling along with his expression. Even with the dumb look on his face a part of Nisaka’s heart still found him somewhat endearing, wanted to lightly smack him on the head after giving him a small peck on the cheek. Too bad the situation didn’t allow it. It never did.
But then he remembered what Neji just had uttered and he tore his thoughts away from the idiot’s face. While he supported his head with one hand the words he tried to confirm the cutting words that had just sunk in. Why would Takasaki be his crush?
“Sorry…say that one more time so I can be sure.”
“Um, I mean that you like Takasaki-san-- “No, not those words again. That’s not what he wanted to know.
“Just where did you get that idea?” Nisaka asked emotionlessly. Beneath his calm exterior he was almost fuming.
“Huh?” Nisaka wasn’t going to ignore it, not this time. Now it was him who lost composure, the girls still blinking at them, trying to follow their conversation.
“I like Takasaki? Just HOW did you arrive at that conclusion?!” he yelled.
“Huh?” Not again.
“Huh? Really?! Do you?!” Lilina asked, now adding more oil into the fire that was slowly consuming Nisaka’s string of patience.
“WAIT! NO!” Not you, too! And didn’t he just tell them that it was NOT the case?
“YOU DON’T?” Neji yelled and that’s when Nisaka lost it and grabbed him by the collar.
“ISN’T IT OBVIOUS?” ‘…that I don’t like her because you’re the one that I like’-- his mind supplied him further but Nisaka remembered to shut his mouth before he accidently confessed.
He thought he couldn’t take it anymore, that he should just let Neji know, even if it would cost their friendship. But he could take it. Even if Neji was going to unintentionally cause him even more suffering and Nisaka would continue to wake up with an empty heart and a slightly damp pillow from crying himself to sleep so be it.
While Neji listed all the reasons that made him think Nisaka had a crush on Takasaki, Nisaka’s emotional turmoil began to subside and made for the emotionless shell again. He schooled his face into a calm but annoyed expression while listening to his love still rambling. He had to conceal his feelings too often since he had discovered them that he lost count of the times he was holding him back from hugging Neji, stroking his cheeks or kissing them whenever Neji blushed in such an adorable way that his face reminded Neji of a chipmunk. That in most of these situations he was munching on something didn’t help either.
“Agh… it’s no wonder, sometimes I felt like we weren’t having the same conversation.”
~*~
Maybe instead he should have sworn on the NHK weather forecast that he wasn’t in love with anyone and one day he might have succeeded to lie to himself that way. Maybe he would have forgot any of those warm fluttery feelings or denied them on the spot when they made him feel a yearning for his best friend for the first time. Or the second. The sooner the better it would have been.
But now it was too late. Nisaka began to enjoy the comforting silence of his room and laid down on the floor, utterly exhausted from the studying session that didn’t serve its purpose anyway. Did they only meet up there to exchange stories about their families and talking about random things while stealing glances from each other? Not that Nisaka wouldn’t have stolen a few ones either, the images of Neji frowning over a math problem or chewing on his pencil remained in Nisaka’s mind. They refused to leave him alone, no matter how hard he tried to chase them away by looking at various things in and outside his room.
The sound of a key rustling outside made him sit up hastily, his father had returned from a business trip. Keeping things from his brother was easy, he was too busy with schoolwork and dating his assigned partner anyway. His father on the other hand could him read like a book when Nisaka was younger and even now he observed his son tenaciously behind his fringe.
Nisaka already knew his father suspected something was wrong and that it was something that caused him a lot of pain. His inquiring glances were a dead giveaway and each time one part of Nisaka wanted to confide in him, having at least his father as a support when no one else around him seemed to understand how he was feeling. He couldn’t be sure however, if his father would discard Nisaka’s feelings and sexual orientation instead of welcoming his honesty and willingness to trust his parent.
If Nisaka was ever going to tell him it would be in a dream where he allowed himself to imagine a world where his feelings weren’t unrequited, and he could live with Neji happily ever after---
“Yuu-chan? I’m home.” his father’s voice was close, too close. He had to right behind the door to Nisaka’s room.
“Welcome home, Dad.” The door opened, and his father came in while holding two small plates with what Nisaka assumed was today’s dinner for both. He sat next to his son and placed croquettes and some vegetable stew on the table, curiously looking at Nisaka’s notes who told him immediately that the studying session didn’t last much long.
“Did you have fun with your friends? You stayed at Nejima’s, didn’t you?”
“Yeah, me and two other girls.” His father would have found out either way and trying to hide who it was would only add to his father’s suspicions. “Nejima-kun’s match?” He was too sharp.
“She and a friend of hers. We were studying for the upcoming math test. Neji’s marks are horrible. If he continues that way he even might have to repeat a year, never mind him wanting to study archeology.”, said Nisaka levelly, trying to subtly change the topic without his father noticing.
“He might work a bit harder on that, since he’ll also have to support his partner one day. What was her name?” Back to her again? Maybe he did notice.
“Lilina Sanada, they’re about the same age.”
“Your mother told me she was a nice young lady. Nejima-kun must be thrilled to have her chosen as his match.”
“I guess so.” His father finished the last bite of his croquette.
“Have you ever wondered who might get chosen for you?”
“No, it’s better not to have any expectations anyway.” Why wasn’t he leaving? Nisaka tried to busy himself with cleaning up the writing tools and his note.
“Is that why you’re so anxious?”
Nisaka slowly turned his head, willing his heart to stay calm while steadily returning his father’s gaze. Trying to sound annoyed he replied, “Why would I be anxious if don’t know them anyway?”
His father said nothing for a while and Nisaka was in the middle of standing up to bring the dishes back to kitchen when--
“When are you going to tell me, what has been going on, Yuu-chan?” Never. Not if he could help it. Even though his father’s voice sounded worried enough, Nisaka couldn’t possibly trust him when he didn’t know how his father was going to react.
“Nothing’s going on, Dad.” He walked away not to catch his father’s sad expression and the desperate eyes that shone though between his fringe looking at his son leaving the room.
When Nisaka returned his father had gone to take a shower which meant that he would go to sleep soon, not likely coming back again. Nisaka finally let out a deep breath and changed out of his clothes into a t-shirt and shorts. He didn’t expect his father to confront him that soon, he usually was less forward whenever they spoke to each other, asking random questions and waiting how it played out. Those were easy to steer into a less personal environment of topics like school, his hobbies or the exceeding amount of clothes Nisaka owned and whether it was time to buy a new wardrobe or to throw some clothes he didn’t wear away. Those conversations were better than the prodding and poking for answers.
He wasn’t going to tell him. Not if he wasn’t prepared to run away afterwards and leave the country. How would you even do that? All airports were controlled by the ministry and even permission for going on a trip overseas wasn’t easily granted. There was no way he could escape his own assigned partner and he just needed to accept the fact that there was no other way. He would never be able to choose his own future. Not without the consequences it would bring to him and his family.
The pillow never felt so soft and warm before, it was almost as if someone was hugging him tightly, soothing his anxieties and slowly calming his mind down. Nisaka closed his eyes and imagined Neji being the reason for the warmth surrounding his body, with one hand slowly stroking tears away that Nisaka hadn’t noticed running down his cheeks. How would it feel to embrace him? Being embraced by him? If only he ever reciprocated his feelings, Nisaka would be fine with any of the two roles.
How was he going to endure for much longer and pretend he was happy with Neji being with someone other than him? For now, it was still somewhat bearable, and he was able to fake a nonchalant attitude and a supporting smile whenever Neji came to ask him for advice. He however had a feeling, that he wouldn’t be able to continue that way. He could easily hide his true feelings from Neji, but never from himself. Whenever he had tried to convince himself that he wasn’t in love with his best friend it felt like he was denying a part of himself.
One day, Neji definitely would find out. No matter how dense and gullible the idiot was, if Nisaka couldn't bear all this pain any longer and decided to tell him, even Neji wouldn't be able ignore it anymore. What would happen then after he told him? Would Neji be disgusted? Flattered? Or just simply confused? Definitely the latter, decided Nisaka. He could already vividly imagine the usual clueless expression on Neji's face morph into something more helpless, possibly followed by a "...are you sure?". Or would he remind Nisaka once again that he was still in love with Takasaki? Would he tell him, that he would never have expected someone like Nisaka to like him? That there was no way he could ever return his feelings? Would he tell Nisaka, that he doesn't want to him ever again? Everything seemed possible. Nisaka's breath became quicker and even more tears flowed down his cheeks and into his pillow. It didn't feel like a warm hug anymore. It felt unconfortable and painful like it was smothering him, destroying each hopeful thought one by one. His eyes hurt. His heart was stinging. How long was he going to continue like this? When would it end?
Not today it seemed. Not tomorrow either. Tomorrow, he would continue his role of the loyal and understanding friend, because that was the part of him Neji actually wanted. About the other parts, Nisaka wasn't so sure. He definitely would tell him one day. On that day, the friendship they had would come to an end. Nisaka wouldn't have to pretend anymore then, wouldn't have to swallow down his feelings and watch Neji and Takasaki together, as they were giving each other affectionate side glances. After Neji's rejection, Nisaka wouldn't be able by his side anymore. He wouldn't be able to laugh and joke around with him, watch Nisaka smiling an an adorable way only he could or look at the way Nisaka's cheeks blew up like a hamster when he was pouting. They would no longer eat lunch together or walk home side by side like they had done for so many years now.
No, not yet. He didn't want it to be over yet. Even if it hurt, Nisaka would still endure it. Because the time when Neji wouldn't be by his side anymore would be infinitely more painful.