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But in the end, it’s not him who left them. It’s them, who grow out of the habit, start chasing their own dream, building their life. Without him. Even though they said that they will always be with him until the end. They stay true to their words because this is his end. He is alone. They’re not here anymore.
It’s their last fan signing for this comeback. Their first comeback after enlistment. Kihyun smiles, he realized that he missed this. He misses conversation with fans, answering good until silly question on post it that the fans brought, receiving snacks (Hyunwoo joked about this on their way and Minhyuk rolled his eyes, said something about Hyunwoo and food that earn small punch from the leader), playing with weird toys from fans, and bunch of fun things on fan signing. He even missed his sore hand after signing hundred albums in 2 hours.
The other 6 members are beside him, chatting and joking with fans. Kihyun smiles at Jooheon’s joke, but his soul is in other place. He feels happy to be here, being with the fans and the members who are like second family to him. But what is this empty feeling? He raises his head and looking through the fans in front of him, scanning them one by one. And suddenly another weird feeling struck him like a lightning.
Kihyun doesn’t know why, but suddenly he feels so vulnerable and lonely. That thought, the toxic one that he tried to forget this morning, start coming up to him. Tears start forming in his small eyes and he finds himself choked. He tries to fight the tears, tries to lift his cheek to form the signature smile of Yoo Kihyun but he failed. He can feel the tears rolling down his cheeks. Damn it Yoo Kihyun, stop being so stupid and don’t cry! The others will realize and they will be worried as hell. He curses at himself.
“Kihyun oppa, what’s wrong?” Suddenly one of the fans asks him and hundred pairs of eyes are on him. The room is in dead silent, six of his colleagues staring at him, just realized that their main vocal didn’t say any words since the ment started. Dozens of staffs are frozen in their positions, eyes gluing at his figure and even the fans who are taking pictures stop their motions.
"Kihyun?" Hyunwoo calls him softly. Changkyun rushes into him, Hyungwon, who stands next to him, wraps his long arms around Kihyun's shoulders, looking worried and confused to the shorter, meanwhile Minhyuk, Jooheon and Hoseok still in dazed state.
Kihyun tries to speak, to assure them that he is fine, there's no need to worry. But when he opens his mouth, it’s like opening gate of tears that he didn’t know he had. His image of his members running into him and drowning him into their hugs get so blurry when he realized he's been crying, sobbing hard until his body shaken uncontrollably. The fans surprisingly so silent, no shutters sound, no whispering, no "don’t cry" shouting, none. So do his members and the staffs. It’s like the whole world start listening to him, listening to his vulnerable state, listening to his existence.
After a good five minutes of silence, Kihyun tries to break the silent with his awkward chuckle. He knows it sounds very weird but he already feels so ashamed of himself. It’s not like he's the type of person who break down in front of others so easily. The last time he cried without warning that alarming his members and fans was at their first ever concert, their very first day, and he didn’t know it coming, it’s just come so naturally to him. After that he swore he won’t cry in front if others, not alone at least. But today? He can’t even remember the last time he cried in front of his fans after 10 years of being together with them. He is in early 30s and he's crying like a baby.
"I’m sorry," that’s the first thing he said, even his voice sound so weird. "I....I think my hormones is just kicking in, that’s why," he tries to lift the mood by his joke.
The members broke their hug and he can see Hyunwoo lifts his left eyebrow and the look in his eyes said they have to talk later. Kihyun brushes him off, now flashing his smile to the fans and assuring them that he's okay. Minhyuk and Jooheon start teasing him and the atmosphere become relax again.
*
"Do you want to talk?"
Kihyun sighed. That’s Son Hyunwoo for you. He is always straightforward and blunt, no matter where and when. They just finished the fan signing and heading to the car. Surprisingly there are no fans around. It’s like they know something was up with him, so they leave them alone. Something that won’t happen in his early debut days and Kihyun know one thing that he really grateful for is their fans are growing up with them, too.
"It's okay if you can’t talk now but you know, I’m here for you yadda yadda,"
Kihyun smiles. He loves how Shownu never changed, always the same attitude after 12 years knowing each other.
"Thanks," said him, almost whispering, before he climbs to the car.
*
After that, everyone is so busy with their life until they forgot what happened at the fan signing. So does Kihyun. He have his radio corner now, sometimes with Minhyuk when he feels bored at his own radio program, sometimes Changkyun popping in, joking with the listeners in his deep voices. The solo gigs he had in several festivals. Attending Hyungwon's concert with the other members. Jooheon calls him one day, asking for the recipe for kimchi stew which make Kihyun confused. Out of the people he knows, why would Jooheon asking him the recipe?
"I guess I miss your kimchi stew, hyung."
Kihyun laughs so hard until Jooheon curses at the phone.
He even went to the gym without Hoseok dragging his ass, which surprised the older. "Are you seeing someone?" he asks. Kihyun rolls his eyes. "I have to have a crush on someone to start working out?"
Hoseok nods. "It's so hard to convince you to do something you don’t like to do, you know. Let me guess, Hyunwoo?"
Kihyun throws the water bottle at the muscular one and Hoseok groans. "I’m going to call him and tell him that you tried to murder me!"
"Shut the fuck up Shin Hoseok!"
*
Hyunwoo calls him the other day, asking if he will be available for lunch this Friday. Kihyun thinks at first that Hoseok tells him the little accident in the gym but judging by Hyunwoo's tone apparently, he doesn’t know anything.
"Let's see," he pulls his planner to his lap. "Sadly, I don’t have any schedule."
Hyunwoo chuckles. "Okay then, its settled."
"Are the other members coming?" Kihyun asks. Hyunwoo always insist to have, at least once in a month, a meeting for lunch or dinner. That’s what keeps them bonding after all those solo activities. They know they missed each other so much and they always tried to squeeze the schedule just for the sake of seven members reuniting under the same roof. They stop living together after their 7th anniversary, right before enlistment. They entered the military together, seven of them, refused to leave just one of them behind. After some nasty fighting with the company’s executives, they won and enlisted happily, even though of course they were placed in different section but at least they’re going to be discharged together.
In their 10 years, they know that they might don’t have the power like at their peak. Now when they’re promoting they just keep a week, 2 weeks at the longest, for promotion and give the rest for the juniors in the company. They need more exposure, Hyunwoo said. "We had our time to shine; we know how hard it is to break the market with dozens of talented singers and artists, so we have to give the chance to those who deserve it."
The other members nodded their head, agreeing with their leader. They know they can’t be popular forever and they've established their name already so it’s time for them to work something they wanted to do since years before. Not to mention they have more freedom comparing to 3 years ago. Now they have their own agency, not literally their own because it’s still a branch from their previous one, but at least they can do whatever they want right now. Learning from the previous mistake, their company finally agrees to give them the freedom after years and years of members pressuring the CEO.
"Jooheon is in Japan right now, a hip hop festival with his crew, he said he doesn’t know if he could be back on Friday but you know him always full of surprised," Hyunwoo's voice snaps Kihyun from his thought.
Kihyun chuckles. "Hoseok hyung said something along the line that his girlfriend is coming on Friday afternoon." He remembered their conversation in the gym. Hoseok girlfriend is a non celebrity, who currently lives in Australia to finish her master degree. They date for a year now. She come back home in every 3 months, sometimes sneak in between her tight schedule of researching just to see Hoseok's face. She's crazy, Hoseok told Kihyun that, and she never regrets every little thing she does and I love her for that. Kihyun never see Hoseok showing that soft expression before, he's so happy that his best friend finally found someone he love.
"Yeah, he told me that too. Hyungwon is down with flu, by the way."
"Again?" Kihyun is furious. Hyungwon had fever before his concert and Kihyun has been back and forth between his apartment and Hyungwon's to take care of the taller because he lives alone.
"Oh sorry that slipped, Hyungwon told me to not telling you that but...." the guilt in Hyunwoo's voice is so cute. "Forget that okay."
"No, I can’t forget every word you said," Kihyun frowns. "I have to call him then to check if...."
"Hey, it’s just a light flu, he's been taking care of himself, he said, and his voice doesn’t even change so..."
"There’s no such thing as light flu, Son Hyunwoo."
Hyunwoo laughs. He missed seeing this stubborn and savage little thing. "We can visit him together after our Friday lunch, you know. Let the man taking care of himself, he's almost 32 and you treat him like he's 3."
Kihyun tries to protest but he held it. "Okay, so it’s just us, Minhyuk and Changkyun?"
"I guess so," says Hyunwoo. "Well, see you on Friday."
Kihyun starts humming IU's See You on Friday when Hyunwoo singing the same line and both of them broke their laughter before ended the call.
*
The lunch turns out to be early dinner, because they have to wait for Jooheon’s plane to arrive. When the rapper comes, Kihyun is ready to scold him because he is so hungry that he can eat Hyunwoo, he complains, but turns out Jooheon brings him pack of sushi from his favorite shop in Tokyo (the waitress in restaurant throws dirty look at them for bringing food from outside the restaurant but didn’t say anything because Changkyun slipped her big amount of tip). Kihyun sighs, know well that he lost and Jooheon won.
After finishing their early dinner, five of them go to Hyungwon’s apartment with dozen of medicine (“Hyungwon can open his own pharmacy after this,” Minhyuk comments when he saw the amount of pills that Kihyun bought for the sick member). To Kihyun’s nightmare, Hyungwon looked like he’s going to die soon. “I THOUGHT YOU CAN’T GET WORSE BUT YOU PROVE ME THAT I’M WRONG WHAT THE FUCK IS LIGHT FLU I DON’T WANT TO BE BOTHERED TO PREPARE YOUR FUNERAL CHAE HYUNGWON,” the other members cover their ears when Kihyun starts yelling at Hyungwon, who smiles at the shorter weakly, so weak until Changkyun rushes to support him. “Throw him to bed, I don’t want him to waste his remaining energy,” Kihyun walks to the kitchen and his nags filling the whole place. Hyunwoo grins at Jooheon who shakes his head. “Why did I agree to go with you guys, I should’ve just go home directly from airport."
Kihyun makes porridge in Hyungwon’s mess kitchen while Hyunwoo washing the dishes. Minhyuk looks around the apartment, commenting at the new painting that Hyungwon bought. Jooheon joins Changkyun at Hyungwon’s bedroom, either to take care the sick one or mess around, Kihyun doesn’t want to think. He feed Hyungwon and forces him to take the medicine, then scolds him to sleep. Hyungwon groans, he always feels sleepy but it’s been a month since he met the other members so he wants to play with them. “I can stay over, hyung,” says Changkyun. “My photoshoot location for tomorrow is closer to your apartment anyway.”
“Really?” Hyungwon’s big and puffy eyes shine so bright. Kihyun doesn’t want another member to get Hyungwon’s flu but he knows Hyungwon feels lonely so he shut his mouth up. Minhyuk and Jooheon declares to stay over too; they want to play game Jooheon just bought from Japan.
So it’s just Kihyun and Hyunwoo in the leader’s car, heading home.
"Hyung," calls Kihyun softly, breaking their comfortable silence. "Do you remember our first ever fan meeting?"
Hyunwoo nods, doesn’t move his gaze from the street. "When you wrote members' name with your butt?"
Kihyun smacks his arms. "Not that, you pervert old man! I mean the fan meeting after music show. The small one. Right after the last broadcast of our first week debuting. Remember?"
"Ah," Hyunwoo hums in acknowledgement. "Of course."
"I didn’t think there would be many. I mean, I saw them when we record the broadcast but I didn’t know that they were so many," Kihyun continues. "Not many as soooo many like the other monster rookie's fandom size but for ours it’s so many, you know."
Hyunwoo chuckles at Kihyun's many, like he run out of the words to describe the number of fans they had on their debut days.
"And I felt so happy. We were. Seeing the crowd grew larger, and larger, and larger, for every comeback," Kihyun staring at the window next to him, "we have our doubts when our fans told us that our fandom is growing because we didn’t feel that way, because we were so used with the familiar faces that keep popping up every fan signing, fan meeting, every event we went. I don’t dislike them, heck, I'm so grateful for their loyalty but sometimes I had this bad thought you know, that told them to give another chance to the fans who haven’t meet us at all, but I sound so arrogant if I said that. I want to see every faces of our fans, I want to acknowledge every one of them, and I want to thank them for everything they did to us. Isn’t unfair that some people can afford to meet us every single day but there are more who haven’t got any chance to meet us?"
"Then when we went to the military. I was so scared they would leave us. I was so scared, hyung, I couldn’t sleep for days. What if when we go back, they turned their back to us? Should we start from zero again? Should we endure all of that pain again? Is our decision right to enlist at the same time? Leaving them?"
"I remember, hyung, at our last fan meeting before the enlistment some fans said that we left them. We. Left. Them. They were crying, hard, like their world is over. I couldn’t do anything except smiling to them, told them we would never leave them. But they said I'm lying." Kihyun's voice started to break. Hyunwoo glances at him, one hand at the wheel and the other tries to find Kihyun's hand, then grabs it. He doesn’t want to open his mouth, not yet. Kihyun finally tells him about his breakdown and he’s more than willing to listen.
"So you could guess that when we finished our enlistment, I was so surprised that there were so many of them waiting for us. Way so many that what I expected. I was so touched and proud. I was so happy that we full each other promises." Kihyun flashes small smile.
"But after spending some time with them, I realized some of the familiar faces gone. I realized the fans who said we left them, gone. And I remember that they were there since our No Mercy days. Isn’t scary, hyung, they left us after thousand days being together."
"I was scrolling over Twitter the night before our last fan signing when I discovered one of our oldest fansite closing her site. We know her, hyung, we all are. She said that during our military enlistment, she found another reason to live, beside us. She found fangirling isn’t her thing anymore, that the other thing give her more energy than fangirling. I’m happy that she choose to pursue her dream now but, hyung, can I feel upset? Sad? Is it okay to be angry at her for leaving us?” Kihyun starts trembling, trying to hold his tears. “I...I feel so bad for her but I’m angry at myself for being like this. We’re just their idols, we’re not responsible for their life. We’re just one of their phase. There will come time when they will leave us because life make them to do so. I know that but I still feel so upset. Why can’t we just having each other without leaving the other?”
“I imagine they would pack our albums to the box, put them in storage room for years, or even burn them because they waste of space. I could imagine they rip our posters, goods, calendar, everything with us in them. I... Hyung, why am I so sensitive, why am I such a bad person for hating them doing so?” Now he is sobbing so hard, his chest tighten, he can’t breathe. Kihyun doesn’t even realize that Hyunwoo stopped the car, he’s completely facing the younger now. Hyunwoo approaches him, he pulls the smaller one with his big arms into hug, carefully patting him. Tears streaming down Kihyun’s cheeks and Hyunwoo feels like his heart breaking at the sound of Kihyun’s sobbing.
“I don’t want to be left out,” he whispers between his tears.
“No, Kihyun, no one will leave you,” Hyunwoo finally opens his mouth, his voice is so calming, putting Kihyun at ease. “You don’t have to ask to feel bad, you ‘re allowed to feel so. It’s okay, we’re not angel anyway. No one expect you to be one.”
“But they left.”
“They left, but the memories stay.” Hyunwoo put his chin on Kihyun’s small head. “I know how scared you are, believe me, I was sad too when I know some of them leaving. But we can learn to be happy for them, don’t we? They did so much for us, I can’t even mention that. They sacrificed their youth for us, spending God-knows-how-much money for us, and now they see us happy, success, have stable carrier, they now realized that they, too, have to be like us. Don’t you feel happy if you see them success? One day, maybe the president of South Korea would say that Monsta X inspired him or her to be where they are right now. And you can brag to your grandchild ‘hey don’t you know that your grandpa is member of Monsta X’?”
Kihyun smiles a little. “I want president of US who said that. The first Asian-America, or Korean-America, who become president of United States and he or she inspired by Monsta X,”
Hyunwoo chuckles. “Okay, US then.” He then look at Kihyun, the smaller’s pointy nose is red, his eyes are puffy. Cute. “Feeling better now?”
Kihyun doesn’t even realize that he stop crying. “Oh. Oh, yes, I guess. Thanks,” He pulls himself from Hyunwoo, his face red and hot. He hopes it’s just the side effect of crying.
Hyunwoo smiles. “Good then. I’ll take you home?”
Kihyun nods, hiding behind his chubby hands, hands that the fans said look like rice cake that make him furious for the past few weeks after receiving the comment. Hyunwoo grins at the memory, oblivious to the younger one, and starts the engine.
*
Monbebe!!!!! Hello, this is Monsta X’s soon to be lead dancer slash angelic vocalist Kihyun.
It’s been a long time since I write here, right? Don’t you guys miss my handwriting mail?
I’m writing to apologize for my sudden outburst at last fan signing. You guys must be worried, I know. I’m really sorry. It won’t happen again. It’s just.... it’s because I haven’t meet you in such a long time (two years!!! Wait, it’s three because we’ve been preparing for comeback in a year after discharge) it was so overwhelming for me and that’s why I’m crying. I realized that I miss seeing you so much and I’m wondering how could I survived at the military without seeing you guys everyday? Wow Yoo Kihyun you’re so strong.
I want to apologize again for a short promotion time but I promise we will see each other more often!!!! Thank you for always being here, I thought you guys would leave. Thank you for waiting, thank you for coming back to us, thank you for the warm welcome back. Thank you for being Monbebe. I love you guys!!!!!
Ps: how does fanmeeting sound? Next month? Don’t tell Shownu hyung that I give you spoiler, okay? This is secret between us!!
-Yoo Kihyun-