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Today is supposed to be a happy day. It is the day when my brother will begin a new life with his bride. Most little brothers in this world will smile from ear-to-ear and nervous, eagerly waiting for the moment their big brother will say the holy vow and stand beside his bride before the priest. But I cannot. My fingers were trembling. I clench my fist to stop them, and lift my hand to knock on the door in front of me. I open the door, and my brother is waiting for me in his tuxedo.
"Mitsuzane," he says. He was trying to sound normal, but he can't hide the sorrowful gaze from me. After all, we share the same blood.
"Nii-san," I say, trying to smile. I'm sure he noticed that it was a forced smile, one that fails to conceal my sadness. After all, we share the same blood. It all began that day. Only a few months ago from today. The directors at Yggdrasil were restless. They were worried about the future of the corporation, for their CEO has not yet find his life companion. At least that was what brother told me. They wanted someone to inherit the Kureshima name, and follow brother's and my footsteps in the future.
"So, what are you going to do?" I asked.
"I'm gonna get married," he answered. I almost dropped the mug I held and stain the carpet with my tea. "I have to make them feel secure in order to maintain the stable state inside the corporation."
"Do you already have someone in mind?"
"I guess I'll have to start searching."
"But then, you'll marry because you have to, not because you love her, right?"
Brother shrugged. "It can't be helped." It was too cruel, cold, and tough. I was against it. But my brother wouldn't change his mind. I took my brother for-granted all this time, I didn't think of the worst possible outcome. But I can't stop thinking about marriage. One night, I slipped to my brother's bedroom. Ever since then, I realized something important... Something that I don't want to lose.
"Can I sleep next to you just this night?" I said. Brother looked at me in a weird way. This Mitsuzane, who always try to look mature, suddenly said the same thing as I did when I was 7.
"Sure," brother shifted his body to make some space for me. He must be tired from work, and arranging the marriage so he was too lazy to argue. That, or he, too, wanted to spent that night with me. I lied beside him, curling up inside the blanket. "How nostalgic. When you were little, you came here too, crying, scared of the lightning."
I did not response.
"...When you get married," I said, shifted my body to face him. "Can I still live here?"
"Of course not, she will bring new maids, and then her family will visit every now and then. It's not a good place for you to study."
My heart felt a sudden hurt, then. Then I won't be seeing my brother that much again. "Can't I stay here?"
"...Then you can stay here, I'll buy a new house."
"It's not like that," I looked away, upset that my brother did not get what I wanted to say. "...I want to stay with you."
Brother shifted his head and looked at me. "...Mitsuzane," he whispered. "You're not a child anymore, are you?"
I pout. I curled up and stick my body closer to my brother, and that night, we slept that way.
And here I am, fixing my brother's tie. He looks at the mirror and flash a smile. "It's perfect," he says. "Thanks."
"Eum," I nod, faking a smile. "...You wouldn't change your mind, huh?" I mumble to myself, not sure if my brother gets to hear it. But I guess he did. He turns at me. He opens his mouth to say something, but he cancels it. Unable to find his words, he embraces me. He sinks his face on my shoulder, his fingers are digging my garments. Do I hug him back? I can't find any strength to lift my hands. If I were to hold him now, I fear I wouldn't be able to let it go. Back then, I said the same words, but he argued. Yeah... Back then, we weren't sure what we were feeling for each other.
I noticed the resentment inside me when brother introduced his fiancée. He held a banquet and invited all the directors, investors, and business partners to announce their engagement. I met her 3 days before, my brother wanted me to be the first to know. The woman was beautiful, like everyone said, a perfect match for Yggdrasil's young CEO. At the banquet, of course, she followed my brother everywhere. Or my brother dragged her everywhere. Whatever. I didn't like how she sat too close to brother. I didn't like how she stood beside my brother and received praises of how beautiful she is. I should be the one who stands there. I'm the only one who should stand by my brother's side. Me, and only me. Noticing the glare I kept launching towards her, I snapped my head out of it before other people notice it.
"Nii-san," I talked to him after the banquet ended. "Are you really sure about this?"
My brother looked at me as he loosened his tie and unbutton the first two buttons on his shirt. "Why? You don't like your future sister-in-law?" Just by hearing that title made me sick. I don't want any sister-in-law.
"I... I don't think this is right."
"What's not? The directors seemed pleased. Our stocks' prices went up---"
"But you don't love her, do you?"
I guess he was a little surprised at my sudden raise of voice. He frowned and looked at me. "When you become an adult, marriage isn't just about love."
"Won't you change your mind?"
"Don't say weird things. Go to bed."
"I don't want to see you with her!"
"Should I search another woman, then?"
"I don't want any woman to join our household!" I practically screamed. My brother's eyes widened. He looked at me, confused. "...Stay with me," my voice barely came out. But he heard it.
"Mitsuzane," he walked towards me and put his hands on my shoulder. "Sooner or later, we have to leave each other. I'll get married, you'll get married--"
"Then don't," I cut him off. "Don't get married, and we can live together forever, right?"
"It's not like we can't see each other anymore--"
"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!" I yelled and pushed his hands away. "I... About Nii-san, I..." How do I say it? How do I explain it? "I love you!" I said it. But brother didn't seem surprised.
"I know that," he said, like it was an obvious thing. Well, of course. I shook my head in rage.
"No, I... I LOVE you. I resent seeing a someone else stands beside you, I resent the thought you're gonna live with someone else, I---" I paused, panting.
"Mitsuzane... You..." Brother couldn't find the right words. I covered my face with hands, pressing it to hold my tears. But it kept flowing down. My legs felt weak, I fell to the floor on my knee. When I finally spoke, I couldn't help my trembling voice.
"Don't leave me..." I couldn't help the sobbing between my words. "...Please..." I didn't hear his answer. When I lift my face, I saw my brother nervously walked to the sofa and sat down.
"...I can't," he finally spoke, in a very low voice. "I can't," he raised his voice. I looked at him, waiting for his explanation. "Open your eyes, Mitsuzane," he looked at me, slightly angry. "We're siblings. Furthermore, we're both men. What do you think would happen if we stay together? Yggdrasil will be over, our lives will be ruined!"
I looked at him in disbelief. "...That's it?" I smirked, mocking his reasoning. "That's it?" I raised my voice. "You're scared of what others would think about you? About your career?"
"When you become an adult, you'll understand," he looked away.
"What about Nii-san's feelings?" He didn't turn his head. "I'm asking how you actually feel." He still refused to turn his head. "Abandoning your own feelings and live only to satisfy other people's expectations... DOES THAT WHAT BEING AN ADULT MEAN?!" I yelled at the top of my lungs, and ran to my room, frustrated.
"Mitsuzane!!!" I heard my brother called me in worry, and his footsteps behind, but I went to my room, slammed the door, and locked it.
The next day, I went to school like a zombie. I wasn't paying attention to the lectures, I ignored what my rival said. Something about exam coming up, he's gonna beat my scores... Whatever. None of it mattered. I wasted some times at the park. I didn't want to go home. I wished I could run away. I wished... I wished I love him like a brother. When I came home in the evening, brother was already there. I was surprised because I thought he was still at work. He didn't usually came home this early.
"...Come sit," he said. I complied and sat beside him.
"...Yesterday... I'm sorry," I mumbled. "...For yelling."
"...No," brother shook his head. "Forgive me, Mitsuzane." I looked at him, confused. Brother eyes looked empty, as if he was seeing something he could not reach faraway. A slight pain and sadness was seen in his gaze. "I was lying to myself all this time."
"...Then..."
"No, the marriage will go on. It's just how society works," he looked at me. Not smiling, but not stern like always. He looked at me in an expression I haven't seen for so long. "Someday... I hope you can forgive me." Ah, how I missed those gentle eyes.
"...If," I said in a weak voice, "If we were not brothers, and you were not a CEO of such a big corporations, would you let me be by your side?"
He didn't move his eyes from mine. His face then getting closer, and he answered with a kiss. His lips leans against mine, pushing it gently. I couldn't stop my tears, and replied his kiss. Brother put his hands on my face and wiped my tears as he leans closer. I clenched his sleeve, closing my eyes and let him deepened his kiss. Time, would you stop and let me keep this moment?
But he pulled away, and with his eyes that has lost its rigor, he looked at me and smiled, "But I want you to know that I, too, love you more than a brother, and more than anyone..."
Those same words, that night, he repeats it again here, whispering beside my ear, "...The time I spent with you was the happiest moment in my life. I regret that I have to leave that happiness, but..." I heard a weak sobbing, and brother looks at me, a drop of tear rolled down by his cheek, "...I wish you happiness, Mitsuzane." I look at him in silence, I have ran out of tears, and I don't want to cry in front of him. I wanted to send him off with a smile, but... "Someday, I hope you can forgive your stupid big brother."
Those were his last words, before he finally went out of the room. He wipes his tears and opens the door. Along with the sound of the closing door, I look down. Hands too weak to even stop the trembling. Legs too weak to even hold my own body. I fall on my knee, tears starting to form, and then burst out uncontrollably.
"...Takatora... Nii-san..." Tonight, I'll go home to that cold house. I start to sob.
"Nii-san..." There would be no greetings. No matter how many times I wipe them, tears are keep coming.
"NII-SAN!!" I will no longer be able to hear his voice. The thoughts drive me crazy, I scream in frustration.
Dear God... Why can't we have a different fate?
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