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Dean almost never sang. Well, almost never. He'd singe a song on Ben's birthday and a cheesy song on him and Lisa's wedding anniversary but that's it. He didn't like his voice, saying that he didn't think he was good.
So of course Lisa didn't ask about it at first when he heard him singing in the evening. At first she thought he was practising for their anniversary because he was playing the same cheesy tune over and over 'You are my Sunshine' but their anniversary came and went and he didn't play it for her. She was confused. Maybe he'd found a better song last minute.
But then he started singing the song again. He was always sitting on the porch outside, looking up at the stars and singing with all his heart. She decided to ask him around a month later when she saw tears roll down his face while he was singing. He wasn't gonna ask right the moment because she'd only seen him cry once, when his father died, and that had not ended well.
She asked the next day when the sun was just going down. Ben was sleeping at a friend's house and they sat on the porch.
"Dean…" She started. He looked up from his book up at her.
"Yeah?" He asked, smiling at her.
"Why do you sing 'You are my sunshine' almost every evening?" She asked. He bit his lip and averted his eyes.
"You heard me." He stated. She nodded.
"You cried yesterday." She added. He lifted his head but didn't look at her.
"I did." Dean said.
"Tell me why, please." She said carefully. The corner of Dean's mouth twitched up for a moment.
"It's complicated." Dean warned. She smiled at that.
"I can cope." She replied. He nodded, licking over his lips and then looking at his hands in his lap. He looked like a lost child and Lisa hated it.
"You don't have to-" She started.
"No…" He cut her off. "No, it's fine, you should know."
"When I was a child… growing up I spent most of my time with this boy… Castiel. He was my beacon, my safe spot, my life boat. Dad often drank too much and if he did he'd get into fights with Sam. For nothing, screaming at the poor kid. I was a coward back then, I couldn't stand up to my father… so I just ran. And I always ran to Castiel, and he'd make me smile again. He made me happy. We were friends. The bet of friends… for so many years. He was always there and he held me when I cried as Sam ran away for a few days and my dad's anger turned on me. He put ice on my wounds… figuratively and literally." Dean saw Lisa's eyes widen and that. "My father hit me and Sam more than once… it got worse with time so I spent more time at Castiel's. I knew so much about him but I didn't see the important bits. Castiel's father was never there… I know now that he'd left them before I even knew Castiel, Their mother died during Castiel's birth and Michael - Castiel's big brother - was looking after them. And he did a piss poor job of it. I could slap child-me for not noticing it but Castiel was depressed, he was barely making it to school every day." Dean took a deep breath, trying to stop the tears in his eyes from falling. "They seemed so perfect from outside… and Castiel was always smiling… he was so joyful when I was with him. When we got to high school I was noticed by girls… and I found that that was rather good so I'd flirt and date. It wasn't love, it was just being a teenager… but it meant that I spent less time with Castiel. And he got worse." Dean sees a tear fall onto his hand and blinks to clear his eyes. "He killed himself." Dean whispered, the words rushed and barely audible. "I've got two things left of him. My guitar and an audio tape."
"Dean-" Lisa whispered. He shook his head slightly.
"Dean," He started. "I love you, I've done so for almost five years now… but you don't love me… I get that now. I thought maybe, maybe you were afraid of your feelings, of having feelings for a boy, I hoped. But you're dating girls now… and you seem happy. I barely see you now… how am I supposed to escape if you're not there to flee to? I needed you so much… I'm sorry I never told you. I guess it doesn't matter to you now." Dean forced out, clenching his jaw. "And then the song." He adds. His chest heaving with held down sobs. "You stupid, stupid son of a bitch." He said, sitting back in his chair and looking up at the sky. "I never once dared to hope that you'd feel like that. You were the perfect Christian, damn, I already saw you in front of the altar with Anna. So may times I wished you'd feel like me. God, Cas, I love you so much it hurts. I wish I'd never given up on you. God if I hadn't been such a coward. Now you're dead and that's all my fault." He slumped forwards sobs no longer held back but ripping through him. Lisa moved carefully putting her hands on his shoulders and pulling him into her arms. Dean stood up and pulled her close, burying his face in her hair.
"I'm so sorry, Dean." She muttered, rubbing over his back. "I shouldn't've asked… that's your past and it's none of my business." Dean's arms tightened around her.
"You have a right to know, Lisa, I promised you everything when I married you and I'm not intending to break that promise. Just know that I love you and Ben and I'm not gonna leave you two for the world even if I dream of a happy life with someone else. Please accept that my heart had been stole even before I gave it to you." Dean said. Lisa nodded.
"You dream of him?" She asked. Dean nodded.
"If I sing in the evening I dreamt of him in the night." He said. She pressed a kiss to his neck. They held each other until there were thousands of stars above them. When he let go of her he got his guitar from the house and sat down on the steps to the porch.
"Cas." He whispered. "Please, forgive me, I should've told you… I should've seen you were depressed. I should've helped you." Then he starts playing the soft tunes.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.
You make me happy, when skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear, how much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away.
The other night, dear, when I lay sleeping,
I dreamt I held you in my arms.
But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
So I hung my head and cried
You Are My Sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away.
You Are My Sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away.
Please don't take my sunshine away.
Please don't take my sunshine away.