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A/N - I was lucky enough to get the wonderful Space Squirrel for my MEFFW secret santa partner, which is awesome, as I happen to think the world of her! So, I’ve written some fShenko holiday angst-fluff fic. Merry Christmas and I hope you enjoy this!
Jane Shepard hurried through busy walkways of the Citadel, nimbly sidestepping keepers and moving past repairmen who looked as though they were patching up bullet holes that she was fairly certain she had put in the wall herself during her fight with Kai Leng.
Everywhere she looked, the Citadel was abuzz with activity. It wasn’t just people repairing damage from the coup attempt either, many were shopkeepers scrounging what they could from the debris, and some, she noted with amusement, were even attempting to put up Christmas decorations as though hoping they would brighten the mood.
Christmas. Shepard almost snorted. Was it December already?
She hadn’t been paying much attention to the calendar since she’d scrambled aboard the Normandy and watched the reapers lay waste to Earth, but Christmas was obviously just around the corner, and people seemed determined to celebrate despite the recent events.
Each to their own, she thought sourly, skirting around a volus who was hanging mistletoe outside the front of his store.
Shepard wrinkled her nose as her omni-tool chimed with a call from Joker and she reluctantly accepted it.
“What is it, Jeff?”
The pilot grinned back at her, unperturbed by her waspish tone. “Hey Commander, just checking to make sure you got yourself a room for the night. Vega called before and said everything was pretty booked up. He and Cortez nabbed the last free bunks at the Alliance barracks.”
The Normandy was in for urgent repairs that Joker and EDI insisted could not be put off any longer, and she, along with rest of the crew, had been turfed onto the Citadel to fend for themselves for the night. No one would be allowed back on board until the repairs were finished. An annoying inconvenience, but one which apparently couldn’t be helped.
She swallowed, avoiding the pilot’s gaze as it focused on her with laser beam precision; she’d meant to get a room as soon as they’d finished dealing with the mess from the coup. But between Thane’s death in the hospital, and the million and one other things that had popped up requiring her attention, she hadn’t had a chance.
“I haven’t yet,” Shepard admitted, rubbing the back of her neck with her free hand, aware of his admonishing gaze. “But I’m sure they’ll have a spare room in the Spectre quarters. Or a free hotel room-“
He snorted. “Yeah, that’s a negative on the hotel rooms. I had EDI run a check and there is nothing free. Zilch. Nada. I had hoped you’d got yourself one already. So, I guess … good luck with the Spectre rooms.” He smirked and then laughed suddenly, his eyes twinkling. “Though you could always hack Udina’s room and stay there for the night.”
“Ew, no thanks.” Shepard ended the call before Joker could give her anymore bright ideas.
Honestly, if worse came to worse, she’d simply find a 24-hour café and catch up on some of the reports she needed to read, Shepard decided as she made for the Spectre offices.
Unfortunately, when she got there, she was met by more frustration.
“Oh, come on!” She slammed a fist onto the side of the terminal and ground her teeth together as it flashed up that all Spectre rooms were taken at this time. Never, in all the years that she had been working as a Spectre, had this happened. Okay, so yeah, there was a war on and space was at a premium, but surely there had to be something free!
She entered her request for a room again and waited.
And waited.
And waited.
The terminal beeped a negative, and she glowered at it, narrowing her eyes and wondering if it was worth hacking Udina’s room after all … .
“Shepard? Everything okay?”
She froze as Kaidan’s smokey voice, as familiar as it was painful, slipped around her like warm velvet. Shepard straightened and turned around, her back stiff and her jaw tight as she saw Kaidan watching her uncertainly from a few metres away. He was clutching a stack of datapads and reports to his chest and looked exhausted.
Though, Shepard reflected wryly, he also looked utterly adorable, and the familiar five o’clock shadow dusting his chin reminded her of all the long nights they’d spent staying up late together writing reports back on the SR-1.
But that had been a long time ago.
Kaidan had moved on.
He’d made that very clear to her on Horizon and again today when he’d sighted on her down the barrel of his gun.
Over Udina, no less.
Something inside of her tightened painfully, and she reeled away from the terminal, suddenly desperate to get away from him. To get as far away from all of this, and everything else that had happened today, as possible.
“Everything is fine, Major,” Shepard snapped icily and strode past before he could say anything.
She caught a glimpse of hurt in his brown eyes and saw his mouth fall open in surprise at her dismissive tone, then she was out the doors and free. The corridor was almost empty, and she hurried along it as quickly as she could without running, her boots thudding dully and echoing around her. Somehow, she knew he would come after her, that if she didn’t move fast enough she’d hear that all too familiar voice of his calling her name again and then she’d be trapped.
But no one followed her down the hallway, or through the embassy offices. She risked a glance behind her while she waited for the elevator to arrive, but there was no sign of Kaidan, and with a flash of annoyance she realised that some horrible little part of her had wanted him to come after her. To chase after her and beg forgiveness for pulling a gun on her today and for … well … for doing his job.
And you would have forgiven him too, wouldn’t you? A snide little voice piped up as the elevator arrived and she stepped inside. You would have folded like a cheap card table and forgiven him no matter how much he hurt you, because part of you still-
“Shepard!”
A hand wedged inside the elevator door as it started to close, and Shepard cursed as the doors opened back up to reveal Kaidan, his face flushed as though he’d run to catch up with her. The data pads were gone now, and without thinking she stepped back to the far side of the elevator, putting as much distance as she could between them as he joined her.
“I’m glad I caught you!” He puffed a little. If he noticed her chilly demeanour or the way she kept her distance he didn’t comment as he continued. “You left the terminal on back in the offices and I couldn’t help but see that you need a place to stay-“
Her face flamed as she realised that he’d seen she was searching for a room, and her green eyes clashed with his for the first time since she’d pleaded with him earlier that day to lower his weapon and trust her.
He seemed to feel the jolt of something that passed between them as much as she did, and he faltered abruptly, a faint blush spreading over his cheeks. “And I was, umm, going to say that if you’re having trouble finding a place, you could come back to my room for the night. It’s not much, just regular Spectre quarters, a temporary room really, but-“
“What exactly are you suggesting?” Shepard suddenly wished the floor would swallow her up as her face flamed.
Kaidan raised an eyebrow and he held up his hands placatingly. “Nothing untoward, I promise. But it has a very comfy couch, and it’s yours if you want it. Or I’ll take the couch and you can have the bed.” He shrugged when she remained stonily silent. “Shepard, I just-“
“Do you honestly think,” she hissed quietly, finally stepped away from her corner of the lift to jab a finger towards him. “That I’d spend the night with you after you pointed a gun at me today?”
He was silent for a moment, then suddenly chuckled. “Well, yeah, I was kind of hoping you would. It would give me a chance to apologize properly at the very least. And hey, it’s a place to stay for the night. I’m guessing there’s some reason you’re not bunking down on the Normandy?”
Shepard nodded jerkily. “Repairs.”
“Well then it’s perfect! What do you say? I’ll even throw in dinner!”
The thought of spending the night alone with Kaidan sent her nerves jangling, but the thought of being alone with him in his quarters made them ring with tension. Not because she didn’t trust him, but because she didn’t trust herself. Something hot and angry seethed beneath the surface, something that screamed that what they’d had was special, that it had been wrong of him to hurl those words at her on Horizon and walk away, something that still bled and wept and yearned and wanted him.
Slowly, she took a deep breath.
“Kaidan, I appreciate the thought, but I’m just going to find a café and do some reading.”
He tilted his head and gave her a look she remembered all too well, and the ghost of a ‘Don’t Kaidan me!’ flashed through her mind. “And you can’t read in my room? Come on, if you’re at my place I promise I’ll keep out of your hair so you can work, and if you get tired then the couch is all yours.”
The offer was tempting, and she wavered. “I’m not sure-”
“Please.” He put a hand out and caught her arm, his fingers resting lightly on her wrist, his touch humming slightly against her skin. She sucked in a breath and met his eyes as they burned into hers, the look unreadable but incredibly intense. “Please let me do this. Let me do something to make things right between us.”
She swallowed and nodded, feeling mesmerised as she looked up into those golden eyes. “Fine, have it your way.”
Kaidan smiled slightly and turned away, and she could have sworn she heard him mutter ‘I wish’ under his breath.
His room wasn’t far away, and wasn’t anything like Shepard had imagined it would be. Not that she’d given much through to it, but for a guy who had always been so warm and personable, his quarters seemed cold and somewhat … clinical, as though he hadn’t bothered filling it with personal effects.
It was a studio room with the obligatory bed made up in Alliance regulation fashion, a couch with a few plain cushions, a vid screen, and some other impersonal pieces of furniture. Nothing in the room said Kaidan Alenko stayed here. No scattered clothes, no personal effects. Nothing except a few photos next to the bed.
She saw herself amongst the smiling faces and quickly looked away, not wanting to think about why Kaidan kept of a photo of her, or what it meant.
Shepard sat down on the couch and pulled a datapad out of her rug sack, trying to ignore the prickles of awareness that ran over her skin now that she was alone with him in his apartment. The whole thing seemed too intimate, and she ignored Kaidan as he paused inside the doorway and watched her, shifting his weight as though deciding if he would speak or not.
He’s probably regretting inviting me here, she thought.
“I hope you don’t mind if I get straight into it?” Shepard asked as she settled herself more comfortably on the couch. “I have a fair bit to get through.”
Kaidan blinked and shook his head. “Oh, no, go right ahead. Want some coffee?”
“No, thank you.”
“Something to eat then?” He moved towards the kitchen. “I make a mean-“
“I’m fine.”
She ignored the awkward silence that stretched and looked down at the datapad, not reading the words but staring hard, as though somehow she might absorb them by osmosis. She heard Kaidan move around in the kitchen eventually, rattling cutlery and banging pots and pans as he started his dinner. Against her will her eyes drifted up, and she watched him as he moved around the tiny space.
It was hard to believe so many years had passed since they had been together on the first Normandy, hunting Saren. It only felt like months to her. But those missing years were evident in the changes she could see in Kaidan. The broadening of his frame due to his more muscular build, the slight greying of hair at his temples, and the laugh lines at the corners of his eyes. Time had been kind to him, and the changes looked good.
Too good.
He looked up and their gazes clashed, something electric leaping between them, and Shepard looked away again, cursing herself for getting distracted.
Kaidan had made his feelings about her loud and clear on Horizon, on Mars, and again today. It didn’t matter if there was still something between them; he was disgusted with her for working with Cerberus, he didn’t trust her, and part of him didn’t really believe that she had been acting for the good of humanity.
It stung.
“Shepard.” Kaidan broke into her thoughts, his voice soft as he set down a plate of Christmas cookies and hot chocolate in front of her.
She scowled at them. “I said I didn’t want-“
“Coffee. This is hot chocolate. And the cookies are for me, though you’re welcome to have some.” Apparently unshaken by the icy stare she levelled at him, he plopped himself on the sofa next to her. “Must be really riveting stuff that you’re reading,” he commented idly, pushing her hot chocolate towards her.
She narrowed her eyes. “What makes you say that?”
“Well, you’ve been staring at the same screen for fifteen minutes now.” He shrugged, and the corner of his mouth twitched as she flushed. “Sorry, I couldn’t resist. Is it that awful being here?”
Shepard set the datapad down and picked up the hot chocolate, holding it like a shield in front of her. “What did you expect after today?”
“I thought we could talk.” He leaned back on the couch, his body language carefully neutral as he watched her. “I know I haven’t handled things very well-“
“Is this the part where you hold my hand and explain why you still don’t trust me?” she snapped, almost spilling hot chocolate over herself.
Kaidan was in the process of taking a sip of his own, but he froze, looking hurt. “I do trust you,” he defended, though somewhat weakly. “In my position you would have done the same thing. I kept the council safe while I assessed the situation. I mean, we were under attack by Cerberus and I suddenly had armed soldiers running at the council, some of whom were last seen in the employ of Cerberus-“
“Kaidan, I’m a Spectre!” Shepard set her cup down and stood up, her face flushed as she glared down at him. “I’m an Alliance soldier, and I’m on your side! You should have lowered your gun as soon as you saw it was me.”
“I know that!” He stood up too, a frown beetling his brow. “But I had Udina nattering away in my ear and I was supposed to be protecting him. I wasn’t sure what to think-“
She glared at him, hurt, and crossed her arms over her chest. “Dammit, nothing ever changes with you!”
“That’s not true! Shepard, I lowered my gun and drew on Udina as soon as I knew what was going on. Don’t be angry at me for doing my job!”
“I’m not angry at you for that! I’m angry at you for … for everything! For not trusting me! For making me defend myself at every turn! I only ever wanted you to trust me! In the hospital you said we could put Horizon behind us, but it’s kind of hard to do that when the shadow of what you said to me there keeps hanging over us all the time!” Shepard could feel tears welling, and she forced them back down, blinking rapidly. “You don’t trust me-“
He groaned and covered his face with his hands. “That’s not it.” Kaidan looked back up at her, his eyes pleading. “You have to understand; you were dead. You’d been dead for two years and suddenly there you were again. And even worse, you were with Cerberus, and they were the very people who the Alliance suspected were behind the attacks on the colonies. How did you expect me to react when you showed up after two years? People don’t normally come back from the dead, Shepard!”
Kaidan’s breathing was ragged, and his voice had risen until he was almost shouting. “I loved you, and I had to watch you die. And then I had to spend two years pulling myself together only to have you appear out of the blue working with terrorists and acting like everything was fine and dandy.” His eyes were pained and he took a step back from her. “Do you have any idea what it’s like to have the person you love come back to life again? To have the one thing you’ve been dreaming of come true, and then be terrified that it’s going to be just a trick perpetrated by Cerberus? That it’s going to be snatched away again?”
He reached towards her but froze, his hand inches from her face. “I wanted to go with you on Horizon so badly. You have no idea. But you were working with Cerberus.” He let his hand drop away, his voice hollow. “On Mars … I wasn’t sure what to think. I trusted you, but what if they’d put something inside of you? A control chip? A tracking beacon? But …” Kaidan looked up and his eyes met hers, his gaze sad and hopeful all at once. “But I do trust you and I’m sorry if that wasn’t always clear. I might be the world’s biggest fool, but after all this time I still love you too.”
Shepard stared at him, blinking in the aftermath of his revelation.
“You … you love me?” she repeated slowly, not quite trusting that she’d heard correctly.
He nodded and took a step closer, slowly lifting one hand to cup her cheek. “I do, and I think you feel the same way. I know I’ve made a complete idiot of myself, and I know I’ve messed things up, but it’s Christmas and miracles happen at Christmas, right?”
Shepard smiled slowly, glancing up. “They do.” She covered his hand with her own and rubbed her cheek against his palm. “I was so angry at you for walking away and leaving me alone-“
“I’m sorry.” He moved closer and cupped her face with both hands. “I’m sorry for everything, but I did what I thought was right.”
She nodded, smiling as something light and bubbly fizzed inside of her. “I know.”
All this time, he’d been scared and hurting too.
All the time, he’d loved her.
Kaidan drew in a deep breath, his thumbs gently stroking her skin. “Shepard, do you think, I mean, is it possible that you could ever find it in your heart to love me again? I know I’m asking a lot, but-“
His words were muffled as she stepped forward and pressed her mouth to his, silencing him with a kiss. For a moment he seemed stunned, then he melted against her, his arms winding tightly around her waist as he kissed her back with enthusiasm. Their mouths met over and over again, in a shower of tiny light kisses, and then longer, deeper kisses that Shepard could feel from her toes to her nose.
She tingled, though from happiness or the buzz of Kaidan’s biotics she wasn’t sure, but it felt good. She felt lighter and happier than she had in a long time, as though she had shed a great weight she hadn’t even realised she was carrying around.
The broke apart, breathless, grinning, and she caught his hands, holding them tightly and smiling up at him for the first time since Horizon. “Yeah,” she said in a mock casual tone, “I think maybe I still have it in my heart to love you. There’s just one little problem.”
“And what’s that?” He raised his eyebrow and squeezed her hands.
“Well, it’s this couch.” She winked at Kaidan and grinned wider. “It’s just not comfy enough for me. Think maybe your bed could fit two in it tonight?”
Kaidan laughed, his eyes twinkling as Shepard went up on tip toes to kiss him again. “Oh, I think that could be arranged.”
“Excellent. Merry Christmas, Kaidan.”
“Merry Christmas, Shepard.”
A/N – Happy Holidays to everyone! I hope you enjoyed my bit of holiday angsty-fluff! (PS. It was really hard not to let this devolve into pure smut... I may have to write a part2!)