Chapter Text
He knows where she is the moment he feels the stabbing pain strike his thigh, catching him off guard.
Kylo falls hard to his knees on the bridge of the Finalizer at the surprise impact, the wind knocked out of him. He felt it, the piece of shrapnel slicing its way into his upper thigh. Her upper thigh.
She wasn’t supposed to be there.
First Order members look towards him as he falls, not so much in concern but just in shock and interest. Shock that their newly christened Supreme Leader crashed to his knees with no warning. They all look on, yet none move to help their supposed leader.
“Get up, Ren,” spits Hux, standing a hair behind him, still looking out the viewport at the planet below. The planet that's surface is currently blooming with explosions. Explosions from First Order bombs.
Kylo doesn’t do anything; just kneels there catching his breath, his eyes darting around wildly.
She’s not supposed to be there.
“Oh for God’s sake, Ren. Get up.”
Fed up with his antics, Hux reaches down and attempts to haul his begrudged partner back to his feet by the his cape.
“Don’t touch me! Get off!” Kylo pushes Hux off of him, throwing out his arm. The General suddenly flies through the air across the bridge, landing hard on the reflective black floor. Everyone on the bridge stills, scared about what the volatile Supreme Leader will do next.
Kylo staggers to his feet slowly, snarling at the room. He turns and limps off the bridge, determined to get as far away from everyone as he can.
“Lord Ren—”
Kylo throws his arm out once more, tossing the interrupting commander against the wall forcefully, and continues to leave the command deck.
The moment he gets out into the hallway that familiar feeling washes over him like a tidal wave. It’s like everything goes absolutely silent even though the world around him is still buzzing with noise. He hasn’t felt it in so long that he almost wishes he could revel in it for a while. He feels her.
She’s here.
Glancing around he finds nothing, then he catches a glimpse of a shadow covered in flowing grey fabric disappearing around the corner. He follows the shadow as fast as he can, still staggering slightly from the phantom feeling of the wound on his thigh.
He turns the corner and instead of the girl he finds drops of blood. Drops of blood that he knows only he can see. He limps on after them, hoping the bond stays open long enough for him to reach her.
It soon becomes a game of cat and mouse, him following the shadow relentlessly, both of them hobbling down the corridors of the ship.
Him chasing after her. Her running away from the attack that he launched.
She wasn’t supposed to be there.
He finally catches up with her, seeing her back disappear behind his door. Kylo limps towards the door and forces his way into the room. How she managed to find his room is a mystery to him. In her world she must’ve found cover somewhere. It amazes him that, in their shared world, it’s his private quarters that become her solace.
Kylo just stands in the doorway, not knowing what to do. The bond hasn’t opened in a while; not since that day on Crait. The day she rejected yet another one of his proposals and left on Han Solo’s ship.
She still hasn’t looked up at him, too busy trying to staunch the blood flowing out of her wound, but he knows she can feel him there with her. She rips off strips from her outer wrap to tie around her thigh to create a tourniquet.
Almost cautiously, Kylo limps his way over to the girl sitting on his chair and kneels down next to her.
“Are you alright?” he barely whispers out, cautious of how she’ll react to even his voice.
She goes still but doesn’t look up, continuing to stare at her leg.
“Rey?” His voice is just as soft as before.
The sound of her name forces her to lift her head. She’s glaring at him, but Kylo can feel she’s missed seeing him through the bond just as much as he has. No matter how mad she gets at him, she can’t go back to hating him. There’s too much between them now to go back to that. They’ve seen and felt too much.
“Are you alright?” he repeats.
All she does is continue to stare at him, her eyes narrowed and her nose scrunched slightly. He can feel the anger radiating off of her.
Kylo rolls his eyes and gets up, walking away and looking down at the stubborn girl currently residing on his chair. She frustrates the hell out of him sometimes.
“You did this,” she bites out, glaring up at him.
“You weren’t supposed to be there,” Kylo counters, ignoring the main reason for her anger.
“That’s not the point, Ben. You called an attack on one of our bases. My friends were in danger. You had to have known I’d help,” she says, staggering to her feet and walking towards him slightly.
He tries not to react to her calling him Ben, but he knows she can see his eyes soften slightly. Feeling the temptation to crumble for the girl, his face hardens, trying to mask his compassion.
“I hate to break it to you, Jedi, but we are still at war. Or did you forget that?” he retorts. He’s attempting to keep a relatively calm facade, but his fiery temper is beginning to seep through his frustration and hurt.
“Of course I didn’t forget,” she snaps back. “Trust me, I’m quite aware that we’re at war.”
The pair lapse into a tense silence, both glaring at each other without the full heat they used to have.
Kylo can’t take it anymore. He’s missed her, though he’d never admit it. She’s the only person that makes him feel less lonely. The only person who understands every bit of him.
“We didn’t have to be,” he mutters out, clipping his words, “but you chose your side.”
“And you chose yours… Supreme Leader,” she bites out, a tinge of sadness behind her words.
He flinches slightly at the title. It sounds so wrong coming from her lips, almost as if her words were poison.
Kylo hangs his head, shame filling his eyes though his face remains mostly impassive. “I offered you everything. A whole galaxy,” he whispers, practically pleading like it will make her change her mind.
I offered a life with me goes unvoiced.
Rey closes her eyes and shakes her head gently, becoming frustrated with the man she’s bonded to. Why can't he understand that that's not what she wants? It's not who she is.
“Even if I had gone with you, you would’ve killed them all anyway. My friends, what’s left of the Resistance…” she pauses for a moment, “... your mother. You know I couldn’t let you do that.”
Kylo staggers slightly and doesn’t reply for a moment. Rey's news about his mother is preposterous. There's no way she could've survived. Finally he gathers the courage to speak.
“She’s alive?” he chokes out, disbelief strewn across his face.
Rey looks at him curiously, her eyes narrowing on his face. “Of course she’s alive.”
All he does is blink at her twice, not fully comprehending or believing her words. “But the bridge—”
“It was a miracle, but she survived,” she states, cutting him off.
He walks away from Rey and paces in tiny lines back and forth, trying to process the information. Kylo comes to a halt and turns to Rey. He looks at the floor, somewhat ashamed that he was even a part of the attack on the Raddus.
“It wasn’t me… I didn’t, couldn’t, do it.”
“I know,” Rey says calmly, suddenly not looking as angry at him.
She limps over and sits down on the bed, feeling a little light headed from her wound, and her argument with the man in front of her. Rey looks over at him, a myriad of emotions filling her eyes.
“She’s given up hope, you know… that you will ever come back.”
“Good,” he clips out, trying to rid his voice of all emotion. Deep down he knows she can see right through him and his flippant facade.
“But not me.”
Kylo’s eyes whip down to Rey sitting on the bed. His bed. She’s staring at him with that fierce look she gets sometimes. That same determined look she had in the elevator on the Supremacy and again while facing Snoke. The look that says I will not fail.
“I know what I saw. No matter what Snoke said about the bond, I saw you by my side. I felt your light.” Tears fill the corners of her eyes. “And Ben… I’ve never felt such light.”
He doesn’t speak, not sure how to respond to her. All he does is walk over and kneel down in front of her again.
Kylo places both of his hands on her thigh close to her wound. He looks at her cautiously before gently unwrapping her makeshift bandage. She flinches but doesn’t push him away, her eyes darting to his face, too curious as to what he’s doing to stop him.
Placing his palms flat on her thigh, Kylo closes his eyes, brows furrowing in concentration. He focuses all of his energy and slowly her wound begins to mend before Rey’s eyes, her skin expertly being knit back together again.
After he’s done, he looks up at her nervously. She’s looking at him like she’s not sure how to react. The same look she always gives him when he defies her expectations.
Kylo watches as Rey opens and closes her mouth several times, knowing she’s trying to think of something to say. He doesn’t expect a thank you, especially since he’s the reason she’s hurt in the first place. He’s the one who called the attack on the Resistance base.
Knowing she might talk more about his light, he decides to say something before she does. “I saw you by my side too,” he whispers out, looking gently into her eyes.
Instantly her brows furrow again, the agitation returning to her face. She knows what he’s about to say the moment he starts talking.
“Ben, no,” she says, her voice already weary. “We’re not doing this again.”
He rips his hands from her thigh, bringing them down to his sides. His fists clench trying to contain his flaring temper.
“And why not?” he snaps, his frustration instantly flaring. Kylo shoots to his feet, staring down at the Jedi in front of him. “You can go on and on about enticing me to come back with you, to join those weaklings, yet I can’t do the same?”
Rey glares up at him, wishing he would just drop it. “No, you can’t.”
His jaw clenches for a moment, trying to hold back his quickly rising temper. “And why not? Say it. Why not?” he bites out, enunciating each word.
“Because your side only kills people,” she counters, her words piercing like darts.
A small, cruel smirk forms on Kylo’s face. A little goading from him and she fell right into his trap. “Oh and yours doesn’t, Jedi? Do you know how many families died on Starkiller?”
His question throws her, but she doesn’t pause, not wanting to give him the benefit of seeing her falter. Rey jumps to her feet, offended at what he's implying quite blatantly.
“That’s different. Starkiller was used to destroy entire systems.”
His smirk grows at her attempt to keep her footing on the moral high ground. “Still doesn’t negate the fact that your side kills, just like mine.”
Rey’s lip curls up in a small snarl. “We kill to save innocent lives.”
He leans down slightly, getting closer in her space. “And you don’t think you kill innocent lives in the process?”
She can see in his eyes that he knows he’s shaken her, and that he’s winning, but she won’t give him the satisfaction.
“No,” she forces out, her words clipped. She hold her head up high, trying to look confident enough to mask her doubt.
Kylo rolls his eyes at her loyalty to the Resistance. He leans back up and walks away in frustration, curling his hands into tight fists. After a few paces, he stills and turns back to her, looking at her with a fiery passion.
“Dammit, Rey. Just join me. The Resistance is dying, don’t die with it because of your damn pride. Be on the winning side.”
He takes calculated steps towards her, preparing to pull on her emotional strings. “Besides, there’s nothing for you there. You’re nothing there.”
His attempt barely fazes Rey. She just stands and holds her head up more, closing the distance between their faces. “And you think that if I come with you, I can finally be something?”
Kylo doesn't hesitate before answering. “Yes.”
“Then you’re more lost than I thought,” she concludes bluntly, disappointment shrouding the statement.
“Is that so, Jedi? I’m lost, am I? And let me guess, you think you can save my soul,” he taunts, smirk firmly on his face.
All Rey does look him straight in the eye, her gaze piercing into his soul. No matter how many defenses he tries to put up, she always finds a way to break them down and see what he's hiding. She knows him inside and out. All his fears. All his hopes, the few that he still has left. She looks at him passionately, her face strong and confident, though in her eyes he can see her heart silently breaking for him. Breaking for the tortured soul of Ben Solo.
“You’re a scared little boy, Ben Solo, pretending to be a ruthless leader when all you want is to belong somewhere, with someone. You’re a scared little boy longing for someone to love him... You’ve craved it your whole life.”
Kylo's expression hardens, becoming once again the fearsome leader of the First Order. Once again becoming the monster that she used to claim he was. The monster he still is. He reverts back to the way he always does when someone pokes and prods at his temper and emotions; he lashes back at them like a wild animal, the Force around him flaring out with the sheer volatility of his emotions.
“I wasn’t the one thrown away like garbage on some trash planet by people who didn’t want me,” he sneers out, picking the one thing he knows will hurt her the most. Her one weakness to use as a weapon.
She blinks, but doesn't waver. In fact, her gaze seems to soften slightly, her anger fading more into pity.
“No. You’re right... You had two loving parents who left you with your uncle because they cared about you.”
Her agreement makes him falter, but not as much as her throwing his parents abandonment in his face. Instead of lashing out, Kylo seethes silently, his temper boiling violently under the surface, ready to break through any moment. It's the calm before the storm, and the storm is a hurricane.
“Get out," he practically breathes, trying to keep his tone in check, but his anger sharpens the edges.
“What?” Rey asks, confused at the sudden demand.
She can see and feel his attempt at controlling his rage, and can also see it failing. His lip has started to snarl and she can see his hands clenches in fists, shaking slightly.
“Get out," he bites out again.
Instinctively she takes a step backwards despite knowing she should stand her ground. He's begun to shake, his anger slowly breaking through all the little cracks. Rey tries again to quell his temper.
“Ben—”
It doesn't work and the dam breaks. His names just sets off the bomb. Kylo's emotions surge off in waves, hitting Rey's senses full force.
“Get out!” he yells, ripping his saber from his belt and chucking it through the air at her.
The saber goes flying through her head, reminding them both that she’s not really here. She’s just a vision in the Force.
Rey looks at him him shock and hurt, not wanting to believe that he would ever attack her like that, even in a blind rage. Her eyes begin to water slightly at the thought. Kylo just stands there huffing, his temper slowly melting back to normal.
Only the tear streaking down her cheek brings him back to himself. She’s looking at him with fear in her eyes and disappointment on her face. Regret instantly fills his body, but all he can do is stand there, watching the tear fall.
He finally gets the nerves to speak, wanting to tell her how sorry he is. “Rey, l—”
She gives him a hard look in response. Another tear falls from her lashes before she disappears into thin air, the bond closing off until the next time. If there’s a next time.
The minute she’s gone, the loneliness that left during her presence fills his room again. He doesn’t move, staring at the spot she just vanished from.
His knees give out from under him and he crashes hard to the ground. He’s faintly conscious of the fact that he just bruised his kneecaps from the sheer force that they hit the floor, but he can’t stop staring at the spot.
A small part of him wonders if she was even there at all, if it wasn't just his imagination creating her. Real or not, he’s ashamed of how he reacted, letting his anger getting the best of him. He’s scared her off and hurt her more than he already has. He hangs his head, not knowing if she’ll ever return to him.
He’s once again completely and utterly alone.