Work Text:
The truth is Junhwe wasn’t as tough as he pretended to be. He could act like he was too cool for emotions, or maybe that he didn’t really care about feelings, but deep inside he knew that was mostly a lie. Sure, he wasn’t as affectionate as Yunhyeong or nearly as clingy as Hanbin, but he still had a heart, even if he was shitty at letting people know about it. He just felt like he was not in sync with everyone else around him and that it was easier to just live like this.
Jinhwan called it emotional constipation. Junhwe called it a lifestyle.
They used to talk about this a lot when Junhwe looked out for Jinhwan because he was feeling lonely. It usually ended up in a lecture from the oldest about how Junhwe should drop the misunderstood act and accept warmth every once in a while. At that, Junhwe would complain and say he doesn’t need it, but shortly after he would watch his words become a lie when he found himself enjoying sharing a bed with his hyung. It had the power to wipe all his stress from the day, and he wondered if Jinhwan was actually right just before falling asleep.
Unfortunately, this habit was cut short after Jinhwan and Chanwoo started dating, and the maknae began to occupy their hyung’s bed almost every night. Junhwe wasn’t jealous, but he couldn’t deny that this was a major inconvenience for him. Jinhwan was the only one that he ever went after when he needed someone, and he liked to keep the witnesses to his weak nights to a minimum.
He was happy for them, though. He could tell Chanwoo was whipped from the moment he stepped foot on that practice room when they were still recording Mix&Match, and he later found out there was no one better for Jinhwan than their new maknae. They looked cute and made each other happy, and after all the stress of not knowing who would actually debut, it was a relief when they finally made their relationship official to the group.
After that, Junhwe started relying on Donghyuk when he felt that something was troubling him, considering he was close to his friend both emotionally and physically. They were the same age and Donghyuk was always welcoming and warm, his personality stealing Junhwe’s spot as the maknae because everyone thought it didn’t fit him. Also, there was the fact that they shared a room and it was easier for Junhwe to just whine and move to his friend’s bed after Donghyuk lifted the covers for him to join.
It should work perfectly, but they didn’t have the room all to themselves and Junhwe thought it was better to stop this before Hanbin found out about them. Not because Hanbin would have a problem with it, but because he would worry about Junhwe, and their leader didn’t need more concerns in his life. He would think the younger’s behavior was odd and would try to get to the bottom of it, and Junhwe wouldn’t be able to explain himself, only making Hanbin more worried.
So he stopped going after Donghyuk as abruptly as he started.
Their schedules got easier after that and Junhwe was fine for a few weeks. He didn’t feel like he needed anyone else to make him happy more than his friends already did and he could handle everything he worried about by himself, even if he was told otherwise.
There was always a voice in the back of his head telling him that widening the range of his emotional connections and reliance on people would make him feel better, but he didn’t listen to it.
Until the day he was forced to.
1. That time in the couch
After practicing for a whole day, Junhwe was exhausted in every way he could. He had to stay late at the YG building training his voice for their new songs, and he wasn’t able to hit the high notes the way he should. On top of that, after hours of practice, his throat was destroyed and his voice kept cracking, making him angrier at the lack of progress and forcing him to call it a day.
He got home and showered, feeling like he really needed someone to just magically throw all his frustrations away. Junhwe got himself as far as opening up Yunhyeong’s bedroom door, thinking it was very convenient that he slept by himself these past few months after Chanwoo unofficially moved to Jinhwan’s bedroom, but backed out when he realized his hyung was sleeping. Yunhyeong always slept earlier than everyone else in the group, and it was dumb of Junhwe to even hope this would work.
He went to bed by himself that night, being extra careful not to wake Donghyuk and Hanbin, and hid under the blankets just like a child afraid of monsters. Only he wasn’t a kid anymore, and his worries followed him everywhere.
After being awake for an hour, Junhwe gave up. He was feeling antsy and that night was already a waste, so he got up and exited his bedroom, stopping at the corridor and thinking about what he would do. Everyone he could talk to was already asleep or not available to cuddle, so there was nothing else for him to do than watch TV until tiredness got the best of him.
When he turned to walk to their living room, Jiwon was coming out of his bedroom, jumping at the sight of Junhwe standing in their corridor.
“Oh my fucking God, you almost killed me!” He whispered, hand over his chest and panting.
“Relax, it’s just me,” Junhwe snorted. “Why are you awake?”
“Why do you care?” There it was, the snarky comeback.
“I’m just being nice.” He rolled his eyes even if Jiwon couldn’t see it in the dark.
“If you were beside your clone right now, I would shoot you thinking you weren’t the real one just because of that sentence.” Jiwon replied, smart-mouthed as always, and made his way past Junhwe, going to the living room and being followed by the younger.
This exchange wasn’t really a fight, per se, but their relationship lingered on that annoyance ever since they met. Their personalities never matched, but as they got older they found a way to deal with each other without arguing as much, dissolving their irritation in snarky remarks every time they talked casually instead of going for each other’s throats every month.
That didn’t mean they didn’t care about each other, though. Jiwon was always a hyung to Junhwe, taking care of him just like he did to everyone else, but in this case pretending he didn’t do it on purpose. He found excuses such as I bought too many, you can eat this, or maybe saying he was also going to the hospital to get an IV, not that he was going just to check on Junhwe.
The younger always caught Jiwon’s lies because he did the same himself. From making sure everyone was quiet because he was trying to concentrate and not because the rapper was finally sleeping after his packed schedules, to leaving nice anonymous comments on articles he found about Jiwon on SNS.
They never talked about it, but they knew. So even if they didn’t really like each other, they cared as friends should do.
And that’s why Jiwon was never an option when Junhwe wasn’t feeling great, because that would mean he would have to seek for his hyung, and he wasn’t willing to scoop that low.
They walked to the living room in silence, the younger making a short stop at the kitchen to look for some ice cream and two spoons before finding a spot at the opposite end of the couch where Jiwon was rummaging through the TV channels. He threw a spoon at the rapper and received a death glare in response.
“Don’t be rude, I’m doing you a favor.” Junhwe said with his mouth full of ice cream.
“You’re gross.” Jiwon said, putting the remote down after settling on a dumb comedy and leaning forward to steal the ice cream from Junhwe’s hands. “And gimme that.”
The two spent most of the movie minding their own business, the ice cream traveling from one boy to the other, but the peacefulness didn’t help Junhwe in his quest to sleep. He listed the pros and cons of actually speaking up to Jiwon about this, feeling like he would be breaking a boundary in their relationship, but also knowing the other wouldn’t make him feel worse, at least.
“Hyung…” He kicked Jiwon’s leg to check if he was still awake.
“What?” Jiwon’s voice was rough and he sounded annoyed, which almost made Junhwe back out.
“What do you do when you’re worried about something?” His voice was low, maybe lower than necessary, because it was difficult to talk about this.
“I talk to someone, usually Hanbin.” Jiwon turned his body to Junhwe, curious about the sudden question. “Why do you ask?”
At that, Junhwe brought the nearest cushion to his embrace, protecting himself from the rapper’s attention, as if it would help shielding his tough façade.
“Nothing?” He tried to reply. Jiwon didn’t look convinced at all, so he kept asking more questions and avoiding answering Jiwon’s. “And when you don’t want to talk, what do you normally do?”
“I always talk,” he shrugged. “That’s a problem only you have in this group, you know?”
Junhwe made a noise of acknowledgment, nodding once and focusing again on the sitcom that had just started on TV. He hoped this would put an end to the conversation. Jiwon was just like Hanbin: he would try to understand the reasons behind Junhwe’s worries, and get frustrated when Junhwe wouldn’t be able to properly answer everything like the others would do.
Maybe lecture would follow, like Jinhwan usually did, or Jiwon would try to be more affectionate afterwards, just like Donghyuk. Or maybe they would argue, because that still happened every once in a while.
He was truly out of options that made him comfortable.
“Do you want to not talk about it?” Jiwon offered, out of nowhere.
Junhwe took some time to think about what he had just heard, but didn’t understand what the question implied. “What do you mean?”
“Look, I don’t know what’s going on, but you clearly don’t want to talk about it.” Jiwon started, standing up from the couch and rearranging the cushions, pulling the one Junhwe was hugging from his arms and placing it along with the others. “So let’s solve this in another way.”
Jiwon stopped in front of his now makeshift bed on their couch, looking at the vocalist and waiting for an answer.
“Are you inviting me to cuddle?” Junhwe replied after finally understanding what was going on, looking up at Jiwon in disbelief. There was no way this was happening, his hyung would never directly demonstrate that he cared about him.
“Oh, this is not an invitation.” He smiled threateningly, lying down with his legs over Junhwe’s lap. “It’s an order. I could hear you thinking all the way from here during the entire movie and I don’t want to deal with your grumpiness tomorrow. So you better get your ass over here and cuddle with me before we end up fighting.”
Junhwe blamed it on how tired he was and on the fact that it was late and he wasn’t in condition to make good choices, but he lifted Jiwon’s legs and got up, moving over to lay by the rapper’s side on the couch. He felt ridiculous being the little spoon, considering he was taller, but somehow it felt right.
“Set an alarm on your phone so we wake up before the others.” Jiwon said. “I don’t want anyone finding us like this.”
“Yes, I don’t want anyone thinking I trust you.” Junhwe couldn’t control the annoyance in his tone, still not believing he was being vulnerable in front of Jiwon. He set an alarm for 6 a.m., knowing that Hanbin would wake up half an hour later, and put his phone in the middle of the cushions so both could hear it.
Jiwon shifted, making them more comfortable in the reduced space they had on the couch, his breath finding Junhwe’s nape every time, the steady rhythm of it grounding Junhwe and putting his mind at ease. Of all the people he ever considering opening up to, Jiwon didn’t even make it to the list. Yet, here he was.
They shared goodnights and Jiwon turned the TV off, making one last movement as he put his arm around Junhwe’s waist.
Junhwe fell asleep in seconds.
---
The sound of the phone alarm at the back of his head woke Junhwe up, making him groan in confusion trying to figure out what was that noise and most importantly, why he wasn’t in his bedroom. He blinked a few times trying to adjust his eyes to the sudden brightness and attempted to turn his body, looking out for the source of noise when he found himself tangled in someone else’s arms and—
Oh.
Right.
He fell asleep with Jiwon.
He remembers being tired and vaguely talking about his worries, tiptoeing around his hyung with a lot of questions, before he was practically threatened to cuddle his stress away with the person he least wanted to. He couldn’t believe he was so easy, and now he would have to deal with the awkwardness that would come with his acts.
But, considering he already felt way more relaxed even if it had been just a short nap, maybe it would be worth it.
Before he could do anything else, Jiwon removed his arm from around Junhwe’s waist and picked up the younger boy’s phone, turning the alarm off and taking his time to stretch a little. That’s when Junhwe felt his neck was a little bit sore from their position and remembered the fact that couches weren’t meant for sleeping.
“I’m never sleeping on a couch again.” Junhwe said as he moved his body to properly sit up on the edge of their makeshift bed.
“You have never even slept on a couch,” the rapper’s voice was still rough and it went down Junhwe’s spine. “This never happened.”
The vocalist turned to look at Jiwon, giving him an evidently fake smile, then deciding to pick up a cushion and smash his hyung’s face with it, who wasn’t fast enough to defend himself.
“You’re such an asshole,” Jiwon said wearily, finally getting up and pushing Junhwe out of the couch to make space for him to rearrange the cushions. “Is this how you thank me for dealing with your whiny questions?”
Junhwe just glared at him from the floor and though that no, that wasn’t how he normally thanked someone. But he also wasn’t whiny. He was tired and stressed and his voice was giving up on him so he had all the right to worry, and he didn’t even talk to Jiwon that much, so there was no way in hell he was whiny.
“I’m not whiny,” he replied, and then realized his point was useless and he didn’t sound convincing at all. He put his arm on the couch as a support and got up, facing Jiwon who was right in front of him and ready to leave. “But thanks, anyway,” he rolled his eyes. “For, you know…”
“Yeah,” Jiwon nodded, and started pushing Junhwe in the direction of the corridor. “Now go to bed and pretend you are sleeping and let’s never talk about this ever again.”
Junhwe scoffed and stretched to pick up his phone from the couch and started quietly making his way back to his shared bedroom.
He stopped briefly at the beginning of the corridor to give one last look to Jiwon. “Don’t worry, I don’t cuddle and tell.” He winked at his hyung, which got him a middle finger up in response.
2. That time in the bedroom
The rest of their day went by without any problems, and Junhwe was glad that the previous night hadn’t made things awkward between him and Jiwon. They didn’t magically start getting along after that, but it was a relief not to hear any lectures or feel the other getting extra affectionate with him just because he felt like Junhwe needed it. His problem was momentarily solved and it didn’t create any more trouble, so he could only be glad.
In the following weeks, he started being extra careful with his schedule, putting his self-care at the top of his priorities to avoid needing to rely on anyone else ever again. Even if everything went smoothly with Jiwon for the first time (or at least as smooth as it could go), Junhwe didn’t feel like he would be willing to shelter it a second time.
And that worked. For a month he kept his emotions to himself, and was able to enjoy his days with his group members. Jinhwan even talked to him once, wondering if Junhwe was really alright, seeming he had never gone after the older again to get a hug and see if it would solve his problems. He answered that everything was fine and he was taking care of himself, so he was finally functioning normally.
However, idol life wasn’t always so sweet.
They had an upcoming album, and Hanbin was in one of his moods. As the leader, he felt that all the responsibilities were on his shoulders, and Junhwe wished Hanbin wouldn’t try to pull an Atlas every time they had to work on something. He knew this was how it was needed to be done, but it put everyone on the edge and it felt like living in hell.
“Junhwe, for God’s sake, pay attention!” Hanbin yelled from his place by the mirror in front of everyone, as he monitored their choreography one more time. “Do the chorus again by yourself.”
All the members except the vocalist immediately fell to the floor and Junhwe threw his head back, looking up and taking a deep breath as he restarted the choreography. Hanbin noticed every little mistake, pointing what looked wrong and making him repeat everything a few more times. Junhwe felt bad for delaying their practice and on top of that his vision was getting dark around the edges from how tired he felt, and he couldn’t concentrate as much as he wanted to on Hanbin’s guiding.
“Let’s cut the practice, Hanbin-ah,” Jinhwan spoke up to save the day, “Junhwe is going to faint and we aren’t going to make much progress anyway.”
Hanbin looked around the room while thinking about the idea, walking forward to put a hand on Junhwe’s shoulder as if he was quietly apologizing for overworking him.
“Let’s go home.”
These words were enough to make Junhwe fall to the floor, lying down as he tried to get his breath back, making an effort to grab the water bottle Chanwoo was offering him and drinking it all at once. They gave him a little time to pull himself together, Donghyuk helping him get up and hushing him to get together with the group at the building entrance so they all could get into the car and go home.
When they arrived, Junhwe was the first one to shower and go to bed. He listened to everyone else taking their turns in the bathroom and the sound of Yunhyeong cooking something for dinner, but he didn’t feel like getting up, he needed to rest.
“Get up, you need to eat.” Jiwon said from the bedroom door. Junhwe just groaned and covered his head with the blankets. “Seriously, dude. Yunhyeong ordered me to drag you there if you don’t come.”
Junhwe knew better than to argue with Yunhyeong about his eating habits, so he got up as the rapper patiently waited for him at the door. He stopped in front of Jiwon and waited for him to move, but the older took his time analyzing Junhwe. He knew he looked like shit and he really wanted to get this over with, but he didn’t have the energy to say something at the moment.
“Come to my bedroom after dinner,” Jiwon said, and Junhwe looked up at him with a frown. “Cut the crap. I know you’re going to be dumb and beat yourself up over what happened today. And if you don’t sleep, tomorrow will be even more difficult, so the least you can do is take one for the team with me.”
With that, Jiwon left the room and gave Junhwe space to walk to the kitchen and also to think about his request. It’s been over a month since the last time they slept together and it wouldn’t be bad to do it again, even if he hated to admit that he didn’t take care of himself enough this time. It was difficult because it was Jiwon, but he had a room all to himself and was willing to help and not lecture Junhwe after, so he decided to give it another try. He was a friend, after all.
He ate dinner slowly, waiting for everyone to leave the table and go to their bedrooms before going to Jiwon’s room. He watched as Jinhwan and Chanwoo dragged themselves to Jinhwan’s bedroom and felt a bite of jealousy, his friends found a never ending source of cuddles on each other, while Junhwe had to deal with everything by himself or rely on Jiwon. He shouldn’t suffer only because he wasn’t the most emotionally approachable person in the world.
When Junhwe found himself alone at the kitchen table, he took his dishes to the sink and turned all the lights off before going to the bedroom. Not his, but Jiwon’s. He stopped at the door and thought about this decision before taking a deep breath and walking in, making sure not to make any noises.
“Fucking finally!” Jiwon said from his bed and lifted the covers, moving a little bit to the side to make space for Junhwe to join him.
“You’re lucky I’m too tired to fight you right now.” Junhwe pointed as he laid down on the bed next to the older boy, already setting an alarm on his phone so he could go back to his bed in the morning before everyone else woke up.
“You owe me twice now.”
Junhwe put his phone on the night stand before covering himself with the blanket and allowing his body to find the most comfortable position next to Jiwon’s. His hyung spooned him again, arms around his waist and mouth dangerously close to his nape, but all of this still had a hint of innocence to it.
“I’m buying you ice cream tomorrow.” Junhwe spoke slowly, his voice very low and he wasn’t sure if he was controlling the words coming out of his mouth anymore, but it was only fair.
“Deal.”
Before falling asleep, Junhwe made a mental note to search why being held and cuddled worked better for him than actually talking about his worries like normal people did.
3. That time after a fight
The group had a packed schedule for upcoming concerts and that required them to practice at big gymnasiums so they could mimic the size of the actual stage. The change of environment was refreshing, but the first few days were the most difficult, seeing that they had to brainstorm and come up with ideas to make the concerts more dynamic and special for the fans.
After agreeing on every detail, the members had to practice and memorize their segments. Junhwe actually enjoyed that part — it made him anticipate the concerts even more and it was when they started to mix things up and fix the problems — so he was in a good mood. The vocalist was on a streak of good ideas and all the boys were hopeful that this would be their best tour.
But when their practice days turned into routine, just repeating the same movements over and over again, the stress of trying to get to perfection got the best of them. And that’s when Junhwe and Jiwon started disagreeing.
First, it was because they kept messing their spots at the beginning of What’s Wrong, bumping into each other every time the song started. They just groaned and stared at each other, as a warning to pay attention next time, and since they kept it quiet and hidden, nobody thought it was a bad thing.
It got worse when Jiwon vetoed Junhwe’s idea about changing the chorus of My Type a little so they could reach the fans. He thought the idea was too much and it wouldn’t work for the rappers because they would’ve been on the stage for longer than the vocal line and it was too tiring to run around the stage. Junhwe, on the other hand, though that it was bearable, and wasn’t going to give up on the idea.
“Stop being selfish, Junhwe!” Jiwon raised his voice. “I’m telling you it’s not going to work!”
Junhwe looked around the room for backup, rolling his eyes when nobody dared to interfere in their dumb fight.
“I’m not being selfish,” he walked closer to the rapper, using the card that he was taller, “I’m being fun. The vocal line stays on stage as much as you do, and after the song there’s a VCR so we have time to breathe. It’s not a sacrifice!”
“It’s unnecessary, it’s what I’m saying,” he ran his fingers through his hair. “We already have many fan interactions, this is just too extra.”
“You’re only saying no because it’s me!” Junhwe said firmly, crossing his arms in front of him shifting his weight to his other leg.
Jiwon scoffed. “What?” He maintained his ironic smile. “This has nothing to do with you! That’s what I talk about when I call you selfish. The world doesn’t revolve around you!”
Jinhwan complained behind them and Junhwe couldn’t hear his words exactly, anger making him deaf to all things that weren’t Jiwon being annoying in front of him. The members were sitting on the floor, too tired to interfere and knowing better than to say something, letting them sort things out as Hanbin talked to the staff about the sound system.
“It’s always you who ruins our practices!” His blood was boiling and he was practically screaming. “We were doing fine but you decided to share your negativity with the team today!”
Something changed in Jiwon’s expression and his eyes got darker, as if Junhwe’s words were the trigger that fueled this whole mess.
“I’m the one that ruins our practices? Do you not remember last month?” He was walking towards Junhwe, pointing his finger at the younger. “Do you not remember when you messed the practice for our upcoming album?” Jiwon made a pause, swallowing dry and trying to keep his voice from becoming hoarse from all the yelling. “Are you going to say you forgot the nights I had to fix things up?”
That last question brought the attention of all the members back to their fight, looking up in curiosity and trying to understand what that meant. The commotion made Jiwon stop talking and he just stared at Junhwe, visibly holding back from saying something else to avoid sharing their secret.
To be fair, Junhwe should’ve seen it coming. He should’ve known that sooner or later Jiwon would use that against him. It wasn’t realistic to ever think he found something in common with the boy or that at least worked for both of them, and that in the long run was making their relationship better. It was too nice to last.
“You didn’t have to do that,” was all Junhwe could say, swallowing his pride and letting Jiwon’s opinion win over his. He took a few steps back and broke eye contact with the rapper as walked past the members and headed to the bathroom.
---
None of them said anything in the last hour of practice. Junhwe couldn’t help but send hurtful looks at Jiwon, but the other boy didn’t look at him again. Now that they calmed down he was able to see it was a petty argument, but they had a lot on their backs and Junhwe was too short tempered to deal with this and Jiwon was being mean. It wasn’t just about work, the fight got personal.
At home, Chanwoo suggested a movie night. They finished up earlier despite their previous problems, so they had enough time to order food and pick a movie to watch. They settled on two dumb action movies that didn’t require thinking too much and opted for Chinese takeout.
After eating, Hanbin quickly fell asleep on Yunhyeong’s shoulder only thirty minutes into the movie, both sharing a couch with Jinhwan and Chanwoo who took pictures of them to use as a bait later. When the first movie ended, Donghyuk decided to call it a night and dragged their leader to their shared bedroom, Yunhyeong following them because it was already past his bed time.
Jiwon took that as an excuse to move up to the couch from his previous spot at the floor along with Donghyuk and Junhwe, leaving the vocalist by himself. Chanwoo kept making comments about all the problems the movie had until it ended, getting a few laughs from Jinhwan. When the movie was over, they changed the channel to a random cooking show and said their goodnights to the other two boys in the living room.
Junhwe wanted to follow them and just go to his room already, but he wasn’t feeling sleepy yet. Also, he didn’t want to demonstrate how bothered he was with everything that happened earlier, so he just pretended to pay attention to the cooking show and mentally cursed Jiwon for making the atmosphere weird.
Apparently, after thirty minutes or so (Junhwe wasn’t counting and he didn’t have his phone with him right now, which would be very convenient but nothing ever worked for him), the silence got too much for Jiwon to deal with.
“Are we going to talk?”
“No.” Junhwe replied dryly.
Silence again, only the sound of desperate contestants running around on the TV were being heard.
“Are you going to sleep by yourself?” Jiwon said, and Junhwe felt like he was daring him to. Nothing indicated that and he knew it was probably all in his head, but he didn’t care. It’s not like he hasn’t been doing that every night for the past month.
“Yes.” He knew he was coming off as bitter, but that’s exactly how he was feeling.
And with that, he got up and left Jiwon by himself. If it took him longer than usual to fall asleep, the other boy would never know.
---
Their practices for the tour got quiet after that, if not for Yunhyeong’s enthusiasm and encouraging words as they worked hard. The tension between Jiwon and Junhwe was still noticeable, but it didn’t affect the other members as much anymore, so they just let them be and fix their problems by themselves, even if it took them a long time. And it did.
Junhwe started to worry too much about their concerts when the whole group had to rearrange a few choreographies because the staff added explosion effects to the stages and they needed to be careful with their placements. They worked late every night to make every little detail perfect and also for their safety, and every night Junhwe would go home and struggle to sleep from how emotionally exhausted he was.
It was difficult to work with Jiwon in the situation they were in, even more after having a taste of what was like to live in peace with him.
At the end of the week, Jiwon approached him after practice while everyone was gathering their stuff to go home. “We need to fix this.”
“I know. But they’re listening,” Junhwe tilted his head to their friends’ side, and as Jiwon looked at them, everybody pretended to be minding their own business.
Jiwon got closer. “Go to my room after they fall asleep,” his voice was low. Junhwe didn’t like the idea and it showed in his expression. “Seriously, we need to talk before the concert or else fans will notice.”
“Fine, I’ll go. But then I’ll go back to my room.”
Jiwon was satisfied.
---
Jiwon was separating his clean clothes when someone knocked at the door once and walked in carefully, unsure if what he was doing was actually right. Junhwe still felt like he shouldn’t be there at all, he was still hurt by Jiwon turning their fight into something personal and not just work related. The younger closed the door behind him and stayed there, arms crossed and in defense mode.
Jiwon stopped what he was doing, putting his clothes back into the pile to give his full attention to the boy who had just entered his bedroom. He sat down on the bed and patted it for Junhwe to sit by his side. He did.
“Listen, Junhwe. I’m sorry.” Jiwon looked at him, expression something close to worry. “Not about the work part, I still think that’s unnecessary,” he continued, “but about bringing it up.”
Junhwe was stoic. He didn’t want to forgive Jiwon, but he knew it was better to do so. He was hurt, but there was no other way to solve this feeling than forgiving.
“It’s okay,” he replied almost reluctantly. “I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have yelled.” Junhwe nodded, this wasn’t something new to him and the rapper. They always had to talk and fix their mess. It came out almost automatically by now. However, the next words weren’t something he ever thought he was going to say to someone. “And I also shouldn’t have depended on you to feel better. It’s not your job.”
With that, Jiwon was taken by surprise and his eyes widened. He struggled with what to say for a second, and just when he calmed down after pausing and taking a deep breath, eyes closed and everything, he managed to talk. Junhwe was almost sure Jiwon was gathering courage to end whatever they had at the moment.
“I know it’s not my job.” The older stated and there was Junhwe’s rejection. “I do that because I want to, because you’re my friend.”
Jiwon sounded so serious and considerate that Junhwe didn’t know what to say. They never went that far, they were never openly friendly and nice to each other to this extent. That’s why the younger never actually talked to people about feelings or anything emotional: he was terrible at this.
At the lack of response, the rapper just moved from sitting on the bed to actually lying down on it, tucking the covers from under Junhwe so he could cover himself properly. Junhwe took that as a hint to go to his own bedroom and leave his hyung alone, he was probably disappointed at Junhwe’s inability to be a decent person.
“Good night, hyung.” He said from the door, hand on the doorknob already.
“Junhwe?” Jiwon called. The other boy stopped to look at him. “Come back here.”
Junhwe never considered the possibility of making up after a fight by spooning with the person who made him mad. Even more when that was the reason which got him hurt in the very beginning. However, he also really wanted to sleep and just avoid talking about practice with someone else, because he knew he would end up complaining. He considered himself lucky and it made him feel bad to complain about his work.
So Junhwe walked in again, closing the door quietly and making his way back to the bed that was a little bit more familiar to him now. Jiwon snuggled him close as soon as he lied down, back to chest as they always did, and set an alarm on his own phone this time.
Junhwe hated himself for sleeping so easily.
4. That time with Winnie the Pooh
Things got easier after that. There was a voice in the back of Junhwe’s head that always thought that maybe talking about your problems actually worked, but he would die before giving in to that. In the following months he found himself able to seek out for Jiwon when things got really difficult, and the rapper didn’t seem to mind, always welcoming Junhwe in his bed.
They still disagreed about work, but nothing nearly as bad as the last time. The two boys also gradually got closer in other aspects, but it was only natural after they shared a bed so many times. Nothing felt forced or even done out of obligation, and it allowed Junhwe to feel comfortable with the entire situation. The other members still teased them about it every once in a while, when they found the two talking or sitting together at lunch, but nothing major.
He realized everyone must have been glad that they were working things out, even if it wasn’t happening loudly.
After their Japan tour ended, the whole group was more than happy to be back in Korea. However, they were only able to spend one happy and peaceful week before receiving the announcement that they were going to do an extra round of concerts. The numbers for their last concerts were high and the company wanted them to do a short encore tour to make even more money.
That messed the group’s entire plan of giving full attention to their next album. They loved their Japanese fanbase, but they were also counting on going back home and having full time to make more music to perform in their next concerts. Sadly, YG didn’t work that way.
Due to their previous exposure, Jiwon got called to do an interview and a photoshoot for a Japanese magazine. That required him to leave two days earlier than the rest of the group. He complained a lot about being there by himself, but their manager tried to cheer him up saying they would do a lot of fun activities there just to brighten the mood and make the others jealous.
Junhwe felt bad for Jiwon, but he knew that the main reason why he disliked his schedule was because that meant he had to sleep on his own bed, by himself. He had been doing that for the past week after Hanbin woke up before their alarm and found it odd that Junhwe wasn’t in their room. Later, when he brought that up, Junhwe came up with a lie and said he went to a convenience store. The lie worked, but they decided to play it safe and lay low for a few days anyway.
That made him actually anticipate the end of the week, when he was planning to make a late night trip to Jiwon’s bedroom a day before their flight. They wouldn’t be able stay together at the hotel, with Jiwon sharing a room with Hanbin as he always did, so he wanted to properly rest at home. With the interview, however, that wasn’t possible.
He never counted on the days to sleep with Jiwon before, but he has also never been deprived of it, so it was probably a normal thing to do. He didn’t have anything to compare it to.
Jiwon left to the airport that morning and Junhwe was glad they were busy for the entire day because that meant he would be tired enough to immediately pass out on his bed at night. They had their last rehearsal, texting Jiwon a thousand times about the last details to keep him informed. At home, Yunhyeong and Chanwoo cooked dinner and everyone had their meal together, cherishing those rare moments they were allowed to rest. The whole process and routine was healing and Junhwe was sure he would never find better housemates in his life.
When it was time to go to bed, Junhwe was the last one to go, postponing the moment as much as he could. He had already taken a shower and put on pajamas when he arrived, so he let exhaustion win and walked to his bedroom without making a sound not to wake Donghyuk and Hanbin up.
But when Junhwe finally rested his head at his pillow, he felt that the shape of it was odd. There was something there making it uncomfortable and he couldn’t make up what was going on in the dark, so he grabbed his phone on the nightstand to use it as a lantern and directed it to his pillow.
There was nothing over it, but when he lifted the pillow up to check underneath, he had to put his hand over his mouth to avoid laughing out loud and waking up his roommates.
He couldn’t believe Jiwon left his Winnie the Pooh bear there for him. The ratty, over hugged and completely worn out Pooh bear that Jiwon slept with since he was a kid. That was utterly ridiculous and Junhwe couldn’t stop smiling at it sight of it.
He grabbed it and put the pillow back to its place, laying down again and shooting Jiwon a text.
Junhwe, 02:03 a.m.
may i ask why your destroyed pooh bear was under MY pillow?
Jiwon, 02:07 a.m.
i wasn’t there to sleep with you, so i got pooh to cover up for me
i know it’s better to sleep with him than with me
take care of him!! he’s a precious guy!!!
and i want him back tomorrow >:(
Junhwe, 02:09 a.m.
okay, hyung, whatever you say. go to sleep x
Junhwe put his phone back on the nightstand and held the Pooh over his face to take another look at the stuffed bear. It looked so funny and this whole situation was so weirdly hilarious that it made him itchy to get up and tell somebody about it (preferably Chanwoo, he would love this), but he knew he couldn’t say anything. Nobody could ever know he was hugging Jiwon’s destroyed Pooh bear under the covers to help him sleep and relax completely.
They would never let him live if they found out.
So he snorted quietly and turned to face the wall by his bed, the stuffed bear on his arms and completely out of view under his blanket. It didn’t feel nearly as good as sleeping with Jiwon, but he found the attitude so adorably dorky that he made a mental note to punch the rapper later for making him feel like that, as soon as they saw each other.
In the next morning he made sure to put the stuffed bear in the middle of his clothes and inside his bag, out of everyone’s sight and in complete safety. For their entire trip Jinhwan gave Junhwe more confused stares than he could count, every time he caught the younger laughing at nothing in particular. Yunhyeong even teased Junhwe about having a crush on someone, but he was able to hide his blushing cheeks and pretend he didn’t hear it.
It’s just that he couldn’t believe Jiwon actually did that for him.
When the group arrived at the hotel, he was the last one to leave his room so he could return Winnie the Pooh to his righteous owner. And also to give Jiwon his well-deserved punch in the arm for making him feel warm all day.
Jiwon was ruining Junhwe’s aesthetic.
5. That time when Jiwon received it
Every time they slept together, Junhwe was the reason behind it. Even when Jiwon invited the younger to his bedroom, the reason was always Junhwe being worried about something or stressed about work. Jiwon still talked his problems away, often trusting Hanbin or Jinhwan to listen to him.
Junhwe couldn’t deny it made him feel selfish sometimes, but it didn’t seem like a problem for Jiwon. The vocalist wasn’t fit to help him through this, and it was better that he looked out for someone who could actually help him the way he was comfortable with.
So when Junhwe woke up at three in the morning to his phone buzzing and indicating he had a new text, he was completely surprised.
Jiwon, 03:15 a.m.
hey
are you awake?
junhwe
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Junhwe, 03:17 a.m.
i am now
fuck what do you want
lemme sleep
Jiwon, 03:18 a.m.
i can’t sleep
i know it’s dumb but i can’t sleep
Junhwe, 03:18 a.m.
is there a reason behind that or are you just being yourself
Jiwon, 03:19 a.m.
it’s just family stuff idk it’s dumb i don’t wanna talk
i was just wondering if you could come to my room
only if you want though you don’t need to btw
but it helps you when you can’t talk so maybe it’ll help me too? :/
That was Junhwe’s cue to stop being selfish and actually give Jiwon something in return other than ice creams when he felt like paying for something. He didn’t even have to think twice before getting up and making his way to Jiwon’s bedroom, a path he had memorized by now after walking it so many times in the dark.
He didn’t have to knock before walking in, knowing he was welcome because Jiwon was the one to ask for him for the first time. It must’ve been difficult for the rapper, considering he was the hyung, but the change in their friendship made it acceptable and Junhwe didn’t take it as weird. Actually, he felt protective and useful and he was not going to waste this chance of taking care of Jiwon in return.
When Junhwe walked in, Jiwon noticed his presence and moved quietly to the side to make space for the younger. That was when the vocalist realized Jiwon was facing the wall this time and not the other side like he usually did when Junhwe was the little spoon. He wasn’t expecting this kind of vulnerability coming from his hyung, but he also didn’t say a word, joining him in the bed and taking the role of the big spoon this time.
Their new position felt different, but not bad. He lied down by the rapper’s side, putting his arm around Jiwon’s waist and using it to pull him closer, as the rapper usually did to him, making them fit like puzzle pieces together. He now was able to smell Jiwon’s shampoo directly from his hair instead of his pillow, and he enjoyed the warmth that radiated from the other body more than he ever imagined. Maybe that’s why Jiwon invited him to his bedroom so much. This felt great.
Junhwe caught his brain thinking that he could actually do this every night, and before the thought lingered for long enough to make him worry, Jiwon sniffed by his side and wiped his face with the blanket.
“Fuck, hyung. Are you crying?” He asked, worried about his hyung. It’s been a while since he saw Jiwon cry for the last time.
“I said no talking.” Jiwon protested and Junhwe had his confirmation right there.
He wanted Jiwon to talk because even if he had nothing to say in return maybe he could do something instead. However, he understood the other boy more than anyone in the group and he knew that was the reason Jiwon asked for him to be there, so he gave him space.
Metaphorically speaking.
Physically speaking, otherwise, Junhwe brought Jiwon even closer, letting protectiveness wash over him and allowing himself to feel angry at whoever made his friend feel bad. It wouldn’t be the first time he picked up a fight with someone to defend one of his friends, but this time it was even worse because it was Jiwon who was crying and there was nothing he could do other than hug him tight and let him know he was there for him.
He had never felt this close to someone before.
If Junhwe’s mouth touched Jiwon’s nape due to their proximity, lips ghosting over the sensible skin that smelled like his shampoo and making the rapper shiver and actually sigh, leaning back a little bit closer, it was a complete accident.
And if the warmth and comfort made Junhwe completely forget to set an alarm, leading to a very confused Hanbin screaming at the sight of his two friends cuddling in an intimate way in the morning, well… That was totally his fault.
+ 1. That time with feelings
After that morning, the cuddling sessions completely ceased. Hanbin found out about them that day and the group hasn’t let the two boys live that moment down yet and it’s been over a month already. They weren’t being mean or rude, but it came out as a surprise to everyone that Junhwe and Jiwon were friends and more than that, they were cuddling and sleeping together.
So everyone had no other option than to tease them endlessly about it.
Junhwe was glad Hanbin wasn’t fast enough to take a picture to use as a bait because his scream of oh my God this is priceless woke up the two of them and almost gave everyone in the house a heart attack. They both let go of each other immediately, Jiwon stammering about how this isn’t what it looks like and Junhwe quietly regretting every single choice he ever made in his life.
The scream made Jinhwan appear in the room in the blink of an eye, his reaction way quieter than their leader’s. He just gave the two a knowing smirk before putting his hand over his mouth in order to stifle a laugh. Junhwe felt like he was being caught by his parents while doing something wrong, even if he was too old for that, and Jiwon didn’t look any better despite being older than Hanbin.
The other members were finding out the big news as soon as they woke up, courtesy of a very childish Hanbin who couldn’t keep a secret. Chanwoo got as far as making kissy noises when Junhwe stood closer to Jiwon for a second at practice. Donghyuk thought they were cute and gave them full support and Yunhyeong used that as a revenge for all the times the two boys teased him in public.
It was hell.
Junhwe couldn’t even endure looking at Jiwon for longer than a second, and the rapper didn’t even make an effort to talk to him about the situation. The later was relieving, but also disappointing. That meant he had to suffer the teasing with his mouth shut, because there was no way he could be able to explain himself to the group, Jiwon being the only one who fully understood him.
Jinhwan seemed to be the most comprehensive one out of the boys, giving Junhwe supportive smiles every time someone joked about their new favorite couple. He also tried saving their ass in an interview where their maknae talked about how close Junhwe and Jiwon were lately, and brought the attention back to their upcoming album, letting out a spoiler he wasn’t allowed to.
When he found out Jinhwan got into trouble for that, he waited for the boy to come home to thank him for the support and also apologize for the whole mess.
“And how have you been?” The eldest asked after forbidding Junhwe from apologizing for what happened earlier.
“Fine,” he replied, but deep inside he knew wasn’t being sincere. “It sucks to be on the other end of the jokes, but I’m fine.”
Junhwe was sitting at the bed next to the other boy, hugging his favorite big pillow just like they used to before Jinhwan started dating Chanwoo and consequently put him through this whole mess. This mattress used to be his favorite place to be in the house, the silence mixed with his hyung’s low voice were for him a synonym of safety, but right now it felt just like a regular bed.
“Have you talked to him?” Jinhwan questioned cautiously, as if a wrong phrasing would scare Junhwe away.
“No. He doesn’t want to,” Junhwe shook his head. “He’s probably mad at me.”
Jinhwan frowned in confusion. “Why would Jiwon be mad at you?”
“Why wouldn’t he? I put him in this situation. He was only dealing with me because he had to as a hyung and as a friend. If I wasn’t as emotionally constipated as you say, I would be able to fix things the right way.” Junhwe placed the pillow over his knees and buried his face in it, frustrated. “But I’m not, so now he’s mad and I don’t sleep as comfortably as before.”
At that, as if everything clicked in his head, Jinhwan made an understanding sound and laughed. Junhwe lifted his face up, baffled at the other boy’s reaction. There he was, suffering and with a huge problem, and Jinhwan was laughing at him.
“Oh my God, you’re so dumb!” Jinhwan exclaimed. “Do you really think Jiwon did that because it was a duty to him? Have you ever seen Jiwon do something out of sheer obligation? No, forget waking up together, this is the real priceless situation.”
Junhwe raised an eyebrow at that, completely unsure of what to think. So what if Jinhwan thought Jiwon did all of that because he wanted to? He was wrong, it couldn’t be it. The rapper was only sleeping with him because Junhwe needed to, and the only time he asked for the favor back was to make sure the younger did something for him in return. It was nothing more than that.
At the lack of verbal response, Jinhwan continued. “Seriously, you guys need to talk. I know you’re both blind to what’s right in front of you, but you need to talk!”
“But he hates me!” Junhwe protested.
“Well, you clearly miss him, so you need to do something about it.” Jinhwan coaxed.
“I can’t miss someone I see every day, hyung.” Junhwe corrected him, hoping he would be able to avoid that conversation.
Jinhwan just put a hand on his shoulder, affectionate as always and trying to persuade him into opening up.
“You know that’s not what I’m talking about, right? Please, tell me you’re not that dense.” He pleaded the boy in front of him, giving his shoulder a little squeeze. “Please.”
Junhwe pondered, but decided to comply. He had nothing left to lose anyway.
“Fine,” he rolled his eyes to avoid eye contact, looking somewhere else instead of at Jinhwan’s eyes, “I do miss him, okay? I miss sleeping with him. I miss not talking about what bothered me with him, and fuck, I think I was even willing to vent about my worries with him, I don’t know. I miss being held close and the fact that I could trust him. Sometimes I caught myself hoping for something shitty to happen so I would have an excuse to go after him at night.” He laughed at that, but sighed right after.
Jinhwan took a minute to think about everything that came out of Junhwe’s mouth all at once, considering it was the first time he let out so many emotions. He was surprised at the fact that the younger actually talked about it, but not about the content of his confession.
“And didn’t you ever consider that maybe this is not unrequited?” Jinhwan suggested, and Junhwe looked back at him, hopeful. “Trust me at this. You just need to repeat those words, but to the right person.”
---
That didn’t happen on the same day, neither on the day after that. Junhwe was scared of ruining their friendship even more with his brand new feelings, and it seemed as if Jiwon was avoiding him. They never were alone at the same place for more than thirty seconds and that didn’t give Junhwe enough time to gather courage to actually speak up. So they didn’t make any progress.
As usual, all of that stress didn’t allow the vocalist to get a good night of sleep, and by now he knew that even if he was happy and relaxed, he would still want to sleep with Jiwon. It wasn’t a matter of necessity anymore, but something bigger than that.
At one particular night, Junhwe gave up on sleeping. He knew it was a lost cause and if he was going to be awake, he would rather be productive. And that meant he was going to finish the last season of his favorite show. He grabbed his phone and walked out of the room quietly to not disturb anyone, thinking about getting ice-cream before starting his marathon.
“Oh my fucking God, you almost killed me!” Jiwon complained from his bedroom door. It seemed that the two of them had the same idea that night.
“Relax, it’s just me.” Junhwe’s voice was lower than his heart pounding in his chest. “Why are you awake?” he tried, avoiding coming out as hopeful, even if he wished it was for the same reason as him.
“Can’t sleep.” Jiwon’s answer was short and Junhwe couldn’t make up his expression in the dark. It didn’t help him the slightest. “You?”
“Me neither,” he swallowed dry and blamed the fact that his brain-to-mouth filter wasn’t working that well anymore for what he was about to say. “Not without you, at least.”
Junhwe wanted the floor to open up and swallow him whole. His knees went weak and it was difficult to breathe. Maybe he really was allergic to feelings and all those jokes about that trait of his were actually true. His palms were sweaty and if Jiwon didn’t say something in the next thirty seconds, Junhwe was sure he was going to die.
The rapper didn’t say anything, but he acted instead, leaning forward to grab Junhwe’s arm and using his free hand to open the door to his bedroom and pull the younger inside with him. Once they were out of sight (not that anyone was watching them that late, but the last events surely made them paranoid), Jiwon stopped in front of him, his arms naturally finding their way around on Junhwe’s waist, keeping than closer than they have ever been without a stupid reason behind.
Junhwe wanted to drown the butterflies in his stomach with acid.
“I missed you.” Jiwon confessed and snorted at his words. “Fuck, I can’t believe I missed you! This is so ridiculous!” He kept smiling as he spoke and Junhwe was more than pleased with their proximity because even if it was dark, it allowed him to memorize every single detail about Jiwon’s expression. “We don’t even get along, how can I miss you so damn much?”
“I could ask you the same thing, you know?” His gaze traveled from Jiwon’s eyes down to the rapper’s mouth, and there it stopped, waiting for Jiwon to take the hint and be braver than him.
The older moved his face closer, slowly taking his time, his breath ghosting over Junhwe’s face as he stared deeply at the younger boy’s features, slightly cross-eyed due to the fact that their noses were almost touching. Junhwe’s smile was replaced by his mouth partially open, the edges of it not turned upwards anymore in order to leave space for his eyes to intensely gaze at the boy in front of him.
What was about to happen was obvious to both of them, but it didn’t stop Jiwon from making sure they were anticipating the same thing. “I’m going to kiss you now, okay?” He whispered so low that it felt as if Jiwon’s breath leaded the words inside Junhwe’s mouth.
Jiwon’s voice sounded so sweet that Junhwe didn’t want to disturb it with his own, so he simply linked his hands around the rapper’s neck in response, expecting that the other would understand that as taking the next step into the kiss. At that, Jiwon’s hand moved up to cup the younger boy’s face, thumb caressing his cheek delicately.
The gentle touches quickly became a contrast to Jiwon’s arm pulling Junhwe even closer by the waist, attaching their bodies together and not leaving space to any more yearning between the two. Their mouths connected, and Junhwe’s eyes squeezed shut, allowing him to only pay attention to the feeling of Jiwon’s soft lips on his own.
His heart was thumping and it was difficult to breathe, so he let out a short, breathy laugh before pulling away. Jiwon was kind to let him take a moment to inhale deeply, but he couldn’t resist the sight of the younger boy with his lips parted and leaned in for an open mouthed kiss this time. Jiwon tasted like ice cream and Junhwe wished he had been able to feel this the first time they slept together.
Junhwe melted into the kiss and even if was taller than Jiwon, at that moment it didn’t feel like it. He couldn’t believe that the asshole was also a good kisser.
When they parted, he opened his eyes to the sight of Jiwon’s shy smile and thanked God for the darkness that hid his blushing cheeks. Junhwe licked his lips and kept playing with the hair at the back of the older boy’s neck.
While sleeping together and cuddling healed Junhwe for a few days, he was now sure that doing that but with feelings involved could keep him grounded for way longer.
“Let’s sleep, it’s late.” Jiwon suggested, detaching their bodies but intertwining their fingers to guide Junhwe to the bed, as if he didn’t have the path memorized by now.
They found their usual spots under the blankets, Junhwe’s back touching Jiwon’s chest and feeling his fast heartbeat. The rapper went as far as tangling their legs together, testing out the new things they could do now to make their nights even better. He planted a few kisses on Junhwe’s neck, laughing when he felt that the younger shivered in his arms.
“Who knew you would be so sensitive.” Jiwon said teasingly. “I should’ve used it against you sooner.”
Junhwe rolled his eyes even if he knew it would go unnoticed. “Don’t make me regret this more than I already do.”
Jiwon laughed louder this time, but stretched his arms to find Junhwe’s hands and hold them again.
“Why am I the little spoon?” The vocalist asked out of nowhere, just after realizing how naturally they found their position together.
“You are always the little spoon.” Jiwon replied next to his ear, as if it was obvious.
“Stop it!” He elbowed Jiwon’s stomach lightly, too comfortable to turn away to properly punch him. “You know damn well I’m a switch.”
He heard Jiwon complaining about him being a fucking loser before falling asleep without an alarm to wake them up this time.