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I’m holding on for my dear life to the railing overlooking this cliff. Honestly I don’t know how I got here, usually when I’m anxious I just turn into a mess. My legs turn to jelly, my hands turn to ice, and all I can do is focus on my anxiety tightening its grip in my chest. But tonight was different for some reason. I don’t know if it was because I had such a shitty week or because today my numbness was stronger than my anxiety. All I know is that I’m tired, I'm tired of all of this, of living, of numbness, of well, everything.
I stare down at the ground below me and my stomach drops. I feel sick as it taunts me, ”Are you going to jump or not?” But I’m not so sure of the answer. Do I really want to throw everything away? Everyone has invested so much time and effort into me and I’d hate to throw that away. I know that this is going to crush mama. My vision blurs and I tighten my grip on the railing. "Mama I’m sorry.” I croak sadly
I’m not even sure if I want to die to be honest, I just know I don’t want to continue living like this. I don’t think I can continue living like this. Nothing is helping not the medicine, not the therapy, not even the cutting. None of it helps. I’m so tired of being the goof, the throw away friend. The I’ve got nothing better to do so lets hang out friend. I'm so tired of holding everything in. I’m tired of being used and I know they’ll continue to be fake ass bitches when I’m gone, pretending that we were actually friends and that they actually care.
I’m tired of waking up and already knowing I’m going to have a bad day. Honestly the only reason I get out of bed in the morning is my anxiety. It hauls my ass up out of bed because I’m too afraid of failure, of failing my classes, of losing my “friends”, and disappointing my mom. But this week I didn’t try, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Its like anxiety finally took a vacation and I was left alone to entertain my uninvited guest depression.
But nobody even noticed that I wasn’t there fully, nobody but Keith. He was on my case about it all week and i’m kinda surprised that he hadn’t seen my text yet. That’s why I haven’t jumped yet, I’m waiting for my phone to ring to hear his voice, to say goodbye properly. He’s honestly probably the only person who could save me from this dark and lonely end. But I don’t know how much longer I can wait for him, I don’t want to become surrounded by these forget-me-nots and second thoughts and not go through with this.
More tears roll down my face and my phone buzzes in my hands, I feel like a ghost watching my own body answer the call. “Hello?” my melancholy voice says before I’m cut off by a piercing shout. “LANCE THANK GOD YOU’RE OKAY PLEASE DON’T DO THIS WHERE ARE YOU?” I chuckle sadly.
“Keith I just want it to stop. I want everything to stop. I want to freeze time and not have to worry so much anymore about time fucking passing. I don’t want to be wasting time anymore. I don’t want to live like this anymore.” I say surprisingly calm. “Lance please just tell me where you are and I can help…” he starts. “You see that’s the thing though, you can’t. Nothings been helping at all my medication just makes me tired and fat, I hate talking about my problems in therapy because it just gives me more anxiety because now people know I’m fucked up, hell Keith even cutting myself doesn’t help, and that always helped. I’m so tired of this…this yearn to be more, to be a different person, to change myself so I can be who everyone wants me to be but I can’t achieve this and instead i just feel numb. the emptiness is haunting me Keith I can’t do this anymore.”
“Lance please just let me talk to you in person please just tell me where you are?” he says. I don’t answer and I just stare down to the ground, does it look softer than before? Raindrops pelt down on my face, mixing in with my tears, when did it start raining? “Lance please I love you please don’t do this.” Keith pleads. I can faintly hear him in his car driving, probably looking for me.
“Don’t worry babe, I have you right here with me, like always.” I say as I pull out the picture of him that I keep in my wallet. “Remember that day? I think that’s the day I knew I loved you. I tricked you into coming over, I told you I needed help doing Rachel’s hair because I couldn’t do a french braid, but I actually could and I just wanted to see you. And when you came over instead of you doing Rachel’s hair everyone started doing your hair. You were always so gentle and loving with kids, its like you turn into a totally different person when you’re with them and I love you for that. I love that you trusted me enough to let me see that part of you. Please don't forget how much I love you, please don't forget that part of you.”
“Lance…” he cries. “You’re the only person who actually cared you know, besides mama. That’s why I wanted you here with me when I did it, I want you to be the last thing I think of. You’ve been the only solid thing in my life ever since mama left. I think that was the beginning of then end when she died. After that everything kinda fell apart. Do you think I’ll see her? Do you think I can still go to heaven if I kill myself?”
“Lance please I can’t live without you please don’t…” he sobs and I begin to doubt what I’m about to do. I cut him off again, not wanting him to change my mind. “Do you think it hurts to die? Like when I hit the bottom of this cliff will I already be dead or will I die on impact?” “You’re at the cliff?” he cuts me off and I hang up quickly.
“You fucking idiot.” I say hitting my head. I only have a couple minutes before he get’s here. I can’t do this in a couple minutes I need more time. I look down again and I feel my stomach drop again. Car wheels screech into the parking lot and I hear the door swing open, he didn’t even bother to turn off the car.
But its now or never and I climb over the railing and turn around to lean back. I see Keith racing towards me. He screams what I can only guess is “stop” but the only thing I can hear is my blood rushing in my ears.
His fingers touch mine and I take a step back and fall. Instant regret engulfs me and I scream. I look up and see him looking down at me screaming, crying, begging, pleading, weeping.
That’s when everything stopped.