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Things weren’t always like this between the two─broken beyond repair.
Everything was easier before it happened.
Before it happened, Hong Jisoo thought he loved Yoon Jeonghan unconditionally.
Before it happened, Hong Jisoo would easily proclaim his unyielding love for Yoon Jeonghan.
Before it happened, Hong Jisoo never let societal pressures at school affect how he felt.
Then it happened. The one thing Hong Jisoo had feared the most since he fell in love with Yoon Jeonghan.
The day Hong Jisoo gained the courage to come out to his strictly religious parents, everything seemed to instantly crumble before his eyes.
⤜♡⤛
Jisoo’s knee bounced in nervousness as his mother─Soomi─and father─Byungchul─took a seat on the sofa adjacent to the armchair he occupied.
“What’s been on your mind lately, Jisoo?” Soomi’s eyebrows furrowed in worry.
Byungchul hummed in thought. “You’ve been pretty distant lately, son. Are you keeping something from us?”
Jisoo wrung his hands and raised his head to finally meet their questioning stares. “Actually, yes. I…”
His voice drifted and Jisoo began to have second doubts. There was a slim possibility this whole ordeal would end favorably for him.
“You…?” Byungchul quirked an eyebrow, tapping his foot restlessly on the floor. He had somewhere to be in a short amount of time.
“I-I’m gay.” Jisoo began to break out in a sweat upon taking in his parents’ dissapointment.
His mother’s face fell in horror and dismay at her beloved son’s words. Never had she pegged her God-worshipping son to commit the sin of partaking in homosexual behaviors.
“What?” Soomi whispered in shock. “I don’t understand.”
His father’s face contorted in utmost anger, causing Jisoo to subconsciously shrink back into the cushion.
“When exactly did this happen?” Byungchul’s booming voice echoed in the living room.
“Um…” Jisoo contemplated informing them of Jeonghan, his secret boyfriend of two years. “I met a boy… back in sophomore year, sir.”
“Where did we go wrong, Byungchul?” Soomi bemoaned, shielding her face with her hands.
“Hold on, dear,” Byungchul shushed her and focused harsh eyes back on his wary son. “What’s this boy’s name, Jisoo?”
Jisoo hesitated, breath caught in his throat.
“If you don’t tell me his name, I promise you I’ll find him myself,” Byungchul threatened.
“His name… is Jeonghan,” Jisoo reluctantly answered.
“The Yoon’s son?” Byungchul accused. “Is this the same boy you’ve been skipping church sermons to see?”
Jisoo’s stared wide-eyed at his father, and before he could confirm or deny the question, Byungchul cut him off.
“You're not discreet about it,” Byungchul spat in irritation. “Why have you forsaken our Lord?”
“I haven’t forsaken him, sir,” Jisoo pleaded. “I still love the Fath─”
However Byungchul was not listening to his son anymore─refused to listen to the son he believed had turned to satanism.
“Do not throw around His name so carelessly, son,” Byungchul warned in a venomous tone.
“Jisoo,” Soomi addressed him. A couple tears had gathered in the corners of her eyes, but Soomi blinked them away and steeled her face. “I thought you of all people would take the Christian faith seriously. He has provided us with many resources to direct us in the right path, the Holy path, yet you blatantly have ignored his Word. Is His everlasting love and grace not enough for you, son?”
Hong Byungchul has always been reserved in his parental ways, known to verbally lash out if Jisoo ever stepped out of line. Due to this, the young boy respected his father more out of fear than love.
However, Hong Soomi has treated Jisoo with overflowing care and support from the day she conceived him in the operating room. Since then, her opinion of him mattered the most out of everyone he was close to. Knowing he had disappointed her cut deep into Jisoo, whether or not he let it show.
“I still believe in Him!” Jisoo cried out, frustrated at his parent’s close minded ways.
“Don’t you dare raise your voice once more at your mother,” came Byungchul’s icy words. “Now, you will do as I say. The next time you see this boyfriend─” he said with disgust.
“Jeonghan’s not my boyfriend!” Jisoo vehemently denied, trying to protect the said boy from his father’s rage.
“─of yours, you will break up with him and tell Jeonghan you do not wish to see him anymore.”
“But sir─” Jisoo protested, eyes wild.
“But what?” Byungchul challenged with a haughty smirk. “I’m only trying to save you from your sinful ways. Would you rather rot in hell along with your precious boyfriend?”
Jisoo let his cruel words seep in and mumbled, “Fuck you.”
“That’s it.” Byungchul got up, arm raised with the intent of striking his disrespectful son, and Jisoo’s body froze in fear.
Soomi quickly caught his wrist─she never has tolerated violence, something Jisoo was quite thankful for.
“Go to your room, Hong Jisoo,” Soomi spoke in a soft yet authoritative tone. “I will call you down once dinner is made.”
The young boy was shaking in his seat, staring at the hand that was only inches away from his face. Jisoo clambered out of the armchair and dashed towards the stairs, climbing them in lightning speed.
Once he made it into his bedroom, Jisoo shut his door as quickly and quietly as he could, so as not to give his father another reason to discipline him.
The young boy collapsed on his bed, breath ragged and heart beating relentlessly. Finally alone in his thoughts, Jisoo closed his eyes began to let the tears slip down his cheeks, and fade into the pillow beneath him.
⤜♡⤛
Hong Jisoo waited patiently for her to arrive as he took tentative sips on the hot caramel macchiato in his hands.
The day had started off with a chill in the air, wind biting incessantly at Jisoo’s exposed face and ankles. Whether or not the young man had desired to leave his warm dorm room and venture out in the cold was out of the question.
Today marked his and Haeun’s six-month anniversary, something his girlfriend apparently put importance in. However, if the date held significance to her, Jisoo didn’t mind complying to her wishes of celebrating.
He checked his wristwatch and noted Haeun would probably arrive in a minute or two. Jisoo had decided to leave earlier than needed, figuring the temperature might rise later throughout the day.
The bell above the coffee shop’s door jingled and Jisoo turned his head towards the sound.
“Haeun-ah.” Jisoo’s eyes softed upon seeing her adorably flushed cheeks.
He ushered her over and the two embraced before Jisoo pulled out her chair, then walked over to his own.
“I ordered for you, if you don’t mind,” Jisoo explained when Haeun glanced at the porcelain cup before her.
Her dainty fingers wrapped around the handle, slowly brought the steaming drink to her peachy lips, and tasted it. Haeun’s eyes instantly lit up, causing Jisoo to smile, and she continued to sip a couple seconds longer.
“Is this a peppermint cappuccino?” She already knew the answer.
“Yes, that’s your favorite, right?”
In response to his question, Haeun leaned over the small table and gave Jisoo’s cheek a brief peck.
“You’re the best boyfriend anyone could ever have, Jisoo,” Haeun stated with fondness swirling deep in her irises.
Jisoo blushed under the genuine compliment. Never one to favor having attention all on him, Jisoo redirected the conversation. “I’m the one who’s lucky to have you, Haeun.”
Haeun gracefully lifted her cup with Jisoo following her actions.
“To us─young, broke college students,” Haeun began, a soft giggle erupting from her mouth. “Who somehow managed to survive another month in university together.”
Jisoo’s face scrunched up in happiness, yet he couldn’t shake the feeling he was being watched from afar by a young man he knew far too well. A man he had never been able to forget, even after two years drifted by.
“To us.” With that, they lightly tapped their porcelain coffee cups in unison.
⤜♡⤛
“Calm down, Jisoo.”
Jisoo had walked with Jeonghan to his house after school to deliver the dreadful news.
The young boys were currently laying down on Jeonghan’s bed─more like Jisoo was curled up into a ball while Jeonghan held the crying boy’s head to his chest in attempts to comfort him, hand running soothingly up and down Jisoo’s back.
“─and he threatened I would go to hell for what I’ve done but all I did was love you and why is that a crime and why can’t I be happy for once in my life?” Jisoo ranted, sobs turning his words into a jumbled mess. “I follow their rules and I love God and I try to stay on top of my studies and I respect my elders and I could be doing worse things and─”
“Shh,” Jeonghan placed a soft finger to Jisoo’s downturned lips and gazed down at the torn boy. “It’s okay, Jisoo. I understand.”
“I don’t want to lose you, Jeonghan.”
Jisoo cried into Jeonghan’s tear-soaked cotton shirt, tightening the grip his arms had around the elder’s back.
“You won’t lose me, Jisoo,” Jeonghan murmured gently into Jisoo’s fluffy chestnut hair. “I promise. I love you too much for that to happen.”
“I love you too,” Jisoo whispered, glistening tears cascading down his face.
Jeonghan held Jisoo’s trembling body close to his own until the younger fell asleep minutes later, his head resting on Jeonghan’s chest─this would be the last time in a long time Jeonghan would be able to hold Jisoo.
⤜♡⤛
Whenever Jeonghan saw Jisoo walking hand-in-hand with Haeun on campus, his chest would constrict in jealousy. Or was it longing? Possibly even anger.
But anger at what exactly?
Anger at Jisoo’s strict parents who forbade him from coming near their beloved son, in fear of him corrupting the boy even further with his homosexuality?
Anger at himself easily letting Jisoo slip through his fingertips years ago?
Anger at adamantly refusing to tell Jisoo how much he wanted─no, needed─the younger to stay, regardless of what his parents said?
Anger at the world for allowing him the chance to love Jisoo, then ripping Jisoo away from him as if it was only a cruel joke?
Why was Haeun given the right to love Jisoo with her heart and soul, yet Jeonghan wasn’t simply because of his gender?
They say love is blind, but why is it suddenly gifted sight when a man loves another man, or a woman loves another woman?
As Jeonghan quietly observed the couple in the coffee shop from his place in the shadows, he couldn’t help these dark feelings begin to bubble up to the surface.
When Jisoo’s mouth quirked up into a radiant smile, all Jeonghan could think of was how soft those very lips felt pressed against his own. How delicious they tasted, seemingly always having a lingering chocolatey flavor.
When Jisoo intertwined a large, warm hand with Haeun’s considerably smaller one, Jeonghan yearned for the those hands to touch him again. To softly caress his face, head, neck, arms, back, chest, waist, hips─anywhere and everywhere all at once.
When Jisoo shot Haeun a teasing smirk, eyes swimming with mirth, Jeonghan reminisced the times Jisoo would joke around and play pranks with or on him.
Looking at Jisoo with her hurt more than ever, but Jeonghan decided he must be a masochist, for he could never tear his eyes away from the younger whenever Jisoo was in sight.
Jisoo and Haeun walked out an hour later, the latter looping her arm through the former’s arm. Jeonghan had gone completely unnoticed by Jisoo─the man he wanted back into his life with every fiber of his being.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. However, if they don’t…
…they never were.
⤜♡⤛
Jisoo often found himself alone with his thoughts, trying to figure out how everything in his life could come crashing down in a span of a couple measly minutes.
It had been a month since his parents ordered him to completely forget about Jeonghan─sweet, beautiful Jeonghan─and focus solely on his academics and of course, God.
Being a filial son had never felt like a chore to Jisoo before things went down, rather he adored his parents and easily followed their rules. Nowadays, however, it felt more like a chore to the young boy.
Every Sunday, Jisoo would prepare for the morning church sermon, dressing up in a crisp shirt, a sleek tie, black slacks, and penny loafers. He stopped skipping services and listened intently to the preacher, taking down occasional notes and highlighting important passages that resonated with him in his Bible.
After Jisoo ended the so-called sinful relationship with Jeonghan, he began to avoid any contact with the elder. Jisoo blocked his number, unfollowed him on social networking sites, threw away the little notes Jeonghan had written him during boring classes. He made sure no trace of Jeonghan was evident in his life only to please his parents.
The young boy always arrived home on-time and quickly began working on homework for classes and studying materials for upcoming quizzes and tests. Jisoo used academics as a way to distract his mind from Jeonghan, constantly burying himself in the workload, only letting up come time for dinner or when he collapsed onto his bed in exhaustion.
Jisoo was shaping into a young, well-educated boy his parents would finally be proud of. However, Jisoo found himself self-loathing more often than self-loving.
He felt as if his parents owned his body to an extent, but Jeonghan ultimately owned his heart.
⤜♡⤛
Jisoo saw him again, this time on campus reading a novel on the bench.
Yoon Jeonghan presence seemed to linger everywhere to Hong Jisoo.
In his professor’s class─Jeonghan used to always fold up paper airplanes with cute or crude notes written on them and fly the airplanes into Jisoo’s head whenever the teacher wasn’t watching.
In the library─Jisoo used to always have study dates with Jeonghan to get him alone and away from their friend’s prying eyes.
On movie dates with Haeun─Jeonghan loved to sit at the very top of the auditorium, always saying they were the best seats of the house.
In his dorm room─Jisoo would often spend time after school at Jeonghan’s house, just revelling in his boyfriend’s calm and loving presence.
Jisoo couldn’t keep up the lie anymore.
“I’m sorry, Haeun,” Jisoo averted his eyes down at his shoes. “I can’t do this anymore.”
Haeun couldn’t keep in the flood of tears. “Why? What went wrong?”
“Nothing went wrong,” Jisoo tried to console her, but his words only cut deeper.
“Obviously something did!” Haeun shouted in anger, furiously wiping her tears.
“I promise it’s not because of you,” Jisoo reached out to caress her arm in comfort, but Haeun jerked it away from him.
“Don’t touch me,” Haeun glared. “What? Did you find somebody else? Is that why you’re throwing away nine months of the hard work we put into the relationship?”
Jisoo hesitated, but sighed and told her the truth. “Yes.”
Haeun choked on a sob, bringing her hand to cover her mouth. “I never knew you could be so cold.”
“If you’d just let me explain,” Jisoo caught up to her fast-paced walk.
“Goodbye Hong Jisoo.”
⤜♡⤛
A quiet knock was heard on the door of Jisoo’s dorm room ─ the distinct rhythmic beating startling Jisoo. He knew that knock. He would be able to identify the person behind the door from that knock. Yoon Jeonghan.
Jisoo walked cautiously over to the door, a hesitant hand resting on the knob.
“Hannie.” Jisoo couldn’t stop himself─the nickname easily slipped off his tongue.
Jeonghan was a complete mess. The elder’s charcoal black hair was tangled, there were noticeable eye bags underneath his exhausted dark brown irises, his clothes were wrinkled─Jisoo thought he looked still beautiful.
The two young men stared deeply at each other, communicating with their eyes in a way only they could.
Without a word spoken between them, Jisoo wrapped a calloused hand around Jeonghan’s wrist and pulled him into the empty shared dorm room, closing the door with a soft click.
Jeonghan had already finished his last night class before heading over, and Joshua was about to head off to sleep.
“I love you,” Jisoo admitted to himself in quiet shock.
Jeonghan pressed his lips flush against his, wrapping eager arms around Jisoo’s neck as Jisoo placed firm hands on his hips.
After pulling away from the sensation, Jeonghan murmured an “I’ve always loved you” in his ear, and began to trail intimate kisses downwards from Jisoo’s ear to his collarbones.
Jisoo emitted a soft groan in pleasure when Jeonghan sunk his teeth down on the juncture of his neck and started to suck until a small bruise appeared.
“This is wrong,” Jisoo told himself more than Jeonghan.
“I know,” Jeonghan replied, moving his hands to rake his fingertips over Jisoo’s toned abdomen.
“I can’t do this, shouldn’t be doing this,” Jisoo pleaded, but made no move to halt Jeonghan’s touches.
“Stop me then,” Jeonghan flashed a challenging look at the younger.
Rather than stopping Jeonghan like Jisoo knew he should have, the younger took rapid steps towards his bed, pushing Jeonghan backwards by his hips.
“Well, what are you waiting for?” Jeonghan bit his lip and Jisoo was momentarily entranced.
That night, Jisoo surrendered to the feeling of having Jeonghan underneath him, begging and writhing for his touch. He gave Jeonghan all of him, and in return, Jeonghan did the same.
Jisoo didn’t need to suppress himself─his homosexuality nor whom he loved─anymore. For once in his life, Jisoo was tired of always trying to please his parents who only seemed to care about him whenever he did something right in their eyes. Deep inside, he knew his parents loved him, but that should have never translated to him allowing them to mold him into what they deemed to be a perfect son─perfection and humans will never be able to coexist.
Being with Jeonghan felt liberating, but not because Jisoo was breaking their rules. The way Jeonghan looked at Jisoo made him feel that maybe he wasn’t as terrible of a person as his parents said. The elder boy showered him in love that never failed to ward off Jisoo’s self-loathing thoughts.
Yoon Jeonghan was Jisoo’s rock, his reason to keep going, his first love, and his last love.
Hong Jisoo was Jeonghan’s confidant, his best friend, and his everything.
⤜♡⤛
While gazing down at the young man─eyelids closed, head snuggled into the crevice of his neck, chest rising and falling slowly─Jisoo knew he made the right choice in loving Yoon Jeonghan.
No matter how high the odds are stacked against us, I promise never to let you go again.