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In elementary school, everyone is worried about you because at such a young age you are still considered weak and so delicate. An absence is more than not being at school, and despite being so old, the teachers also have imaginations that run wild. They can list all sorts of worst case scenarios and eventually end up calling the parents to check on the kid. It was a thing they did to make sure they were okay. This was the kind of school Jaebum was going to anyway.
It was a Tuesday and quite strangely, all six of his friends were nowhere to be found in his classroom. Even though Jaebum was known to be quick-witted by just his parents, he was for sure clueless as a puppy when it came to these types of surprises because it didn’t happen often.
For the thirty minutes that he had for recess, Jaebum sat on the swing alone. He was swinging solemnly, but rather he wasn’t really pushing his feet off the ground. He was worried, but there was nothing he could do. He planned on going to the office to ask if the principal can call each and every one of his friends. If he had to leave feeling dejected, he thought to beg with everything that he had with him, which turned out to be his homework because he certainly doesn’t want that.
Jaebum stopped kicking his feet since he was starting to get tired of throwing his frustration on the small pebbles underneath him. The swing had suddenly become a wooden chair, but Jaebum didn’t mind that. He felt someone eyeing him and when he looked up to follow his instinct, he saw a teacher approach.
“Jaebum?” It was his teacher and how magnificent it sounded when she called out to him. The innocence of her voice rang in his ears with concern. “Are you okay?”
“I feel lonely.” Jaebum admitted, but only because he remembered his mom telling him that it was okay to express how you feel. He realized a little after that he almost forgot the most important part of his answer, and he tried to recover. “I am really worried too!”
His teacher stared at him fondly. “Knowing you, I am gonna guess you were thinking about talking to the principal in the office.”
Jaebum widened his eyes in surprisement. “How did you know?”
She only laughed and got up on her feet with her hands reaching out. “Do you want me to go with you?”
He actually took that offer because he thought maybe she can be an alibi of his. If his teacher was there to accompany him, surely the principal wouldn’t say no right away.
“You have nothing to worry about, Jaebum.” The principal acted as though he was hanging up on someone, but the line on the other side was dead.
Jaebum had the reassurance he needed and thanked everyone in the office. They all watched him leave while his tiny hands waved bye.
“I really hope he likes the surprise waiting at home.”
“He definitely will, since kids like everything these days.”
The final bell played loudly in all the classrooms and from just hearing the first note, Jaebum was already packing his stuff away. He hurriedly turned in his assignment and trotted out the door with no hesitation. When he made it to the front gate, his mouth immediately caved into a smile. His mom was waving to him in her car, and there was no better feeling than seeing someone he truly admired with all his love.
He sat in the back of the car. In the mirror above his mom, she took a peek to check on her son. He had secured the belt over his shoulder and seemed to be hesitating to say something to her.
“How was school today?” She took a right turn.
“They didn’t come to school today.” There was no reason to call out any names because she knew who he was talking about. “Do you know why they didn’t come?”
“I didn’t hear anything from their parents.” She pulled her car into their driveway and pulled out her keys to stop the engine from running. “I was out all day today.”
Jaebum frowned, clearly not happy to hear that. He unbuckled his belt and threw on his backpack. As they drew closer to the door, it dawned on him that it was so dark inside the house. For an afternoon like this, how could it be that there was no light inside?
The room was dark in monochrome with no escape for the light. It was like something was just waiting to jump out at them. When the door had opened, Jaebum cautiously followed his mom from behind. He took off his sneakers and rested them neatly in the corner.
“Can you turn on the lights for me?” His mom asked from wherever she was.
Jaebum couldn’t see very well, but he did just as he was asked to do. The lights turned on manually, and he got the surprise of his life.
“Happy birthday, Jaebum!”
The sudden outburst made Jaebum take a step back, and he sees his mom coming out from the kitchen with her hands carrying a cake. It was his tenth birthday and at first it started off lonesome, but now he had everybody with him.
“What are you guys doing here!” Jaebum ran towards his friends, but there was still so much astonishment. He couldn’t comprehend what was happening, or how it was possible for his friends to be here. His mom laughed, and it was like he missed something because the room was so warm.
“You know, it was hard to convince our parents to let us skip school today.” Jinyoung patted his friend on the back, but it was more with sarcasm than anything.
“Are you surprised, Jaebum?”
Jaebum diverted his attention to where he thought the voice came from, and his breath was knocked out of him. The person he saw was none other than Youngjae, someone he had laid eyes on ever since forever.
“Yeah, I definitely am.” Jaebum managed to say, but he practically sounded breathless.
The rest of the party went on for awhile and actually longer than the parents wanted. Jaebum spent all his time playing with his six closest friends, but it seemed as though he gave Youngjae all the attention. Mark was observant and when he found himself frequently catching Jaebum staring at the younger, he knew there were questions to be asked.
“Youngjae, come on we have to go now.”
“I can’t stay for a little bit longer?” Youngjae whined, which to Jaebum he found to be adorable.
Unable to convince his mom, Youngjae made his leave. Jaebum was immediately overcome with sadness, but he tried his best not to show it. Mark could read him no matter how hard he tried either way. When the living room was given to them, he wasted no time to jump to the chase.
“Do you like him?”
“What are you talking about?” The sudden question caught Jaebum off guard, but he was able to prevent himself from stuttering.
“I asked if you like him.” Mark was listening for the truth.
“I don’t think you can find a way out of this.” Jinyoung was ganging up on him too. They were all looking mischievous actually.
Jaebum was at a lost cause. He could feel the heat spreading from his cheeks to his neck. He was looking like a deer in headlights right now, and there was no way he could escape.
“I do.” He confessed. “I like him a lot.”
When it was his sixteenth birthday, Jaebum celebrated his birthday right on a Wednesday. Except this time, he didn’t spend the day alone. He had his friends with him even though they all had different classes. They made it work, so it wasn’t a problem at all.
It was lunch at this hour. Jaebum picked up a metallic tray of his own and waited in line. He scanned the cafeteria, looking for his friends. He saw Jackson waving to him and of course, he waved back with a smile. The line moved along just at the right pace. Jaebum was able to get the food he wanted and sat down with his friends, who embarrassingly enough, sang the birthday song so loud that everyone was looking at them.
“Here.” Youngjae reached his arm over the table to give Jaebum what looked like a handmade card. Jaebum could have guessed between the six of them, they made one card for everyone to sign. He looked like he held himself back from taking it, but it wasn’t because he was reluctant to. In front of him right now was someone he liked so much, and to possibly have an accidental brush against the hand was something that made Jaebum feel shy.
“Jaebum?” Jackson called out, but it sounded more teasingly.
It sure did the trick to snap Jaebum out of it though. He smiled lovingly and took the card from Youngjae. “Thank you.”
You would think that six years later Youngjae would have gotten the hint that Jaebum liked him, but he was totally oblivious to it. Jaebum could get away with stealing glances at him anytime, but of course be caught by the others.
“Are we going to your place?” Yugyeom asked to make sure that they were going through with the plan.
“Like always, Yugyeom.” Jinyoung snorted. “Did you forget we always go to his house on his birthday?”
“Can you cut me some slack?” The youngest huffed. He didn’t understand why Jinyoung always treated him this way, but he also knew that it was all fun and games.
When they were all walking away from the school, Youngjae stopped in his tracks. Jaebum turned around confusingly and called Youngjae over so he could catch up.
“I don’t think I can come over, you guys.”
“Why?” Jaebum was really hoping that he wouldn’t have a bad birthday today, but without Youngjae to celebrate with him, how could it be a good one?
“My mom wants me home right away to help her with some stuff.” Youngjae started walking the opposite way. He apologized to everyone, but most importantly he looked at Jaebum with guilt. “I’m really sorry, Jaebum.”
They all still hung out together, so the plan was still going. It just excluded Youngjae, and it honestly made Jaebum feel so down. He wanted Youngjae to be with him, especially on a day like this.
“Happy birthday.” Mark was the last one to leave later that same day.
“Thanks.” Jaebum closed the door. He ultimately sighed and made his way over to the family couch. His mom watched the whole thing and gave a small smile from behind.
“How are you feeling?” She walked over knowing that her son wasn’t feeling as happy as he should be.
“Youngjae wasn’t with us today.” Jaebum answered truthfully, but he thinks she already knew that. His mom brushed the fringe away from his eyes with her fingers.
“I hope you still had a good birthday though.”
With this, Jaebum nodded hastily because in no doubt did he consider this day to be so awful.
“You should go to sleep soon, okay?” His mom kissed his forehead before heading upstairs.
Jaebum lazily stayed in the comfort of the couch. He couldn’t shake the thought of Youngjae out of his head, and it was killing him how much it wouldn’t leave him alone. It had gotten really late already and when he decided to call it a day, he heard a knock on the door. It was a good thing that he was able to check who it was before opening it and really, he was grateful for safety. He was taken aback when he saw Youngjae standing there, noticeably shaking from the cold.
“Youngjae.” It wasn’t even a question of curiosity. Jaebum opened the door for Youngjae and let him inside to keep him from freezing.
“I was able to get my mom to drive me over here.” Youngjae nervously rubbed the back of his neck. “Is it okay if I stay for a little?”
“Of course.”
Jaebum couldn’t really believe what had just happened, but surely this is all just a coincidence. He trailed the steps of the staircase and at the top he sees his mom looking down at the two of them. Her smile gave it away that she was so happy. Jaebum returned the expression awkwardly. She probably knows how he feels about his friend and it was kind of unsettling for Jaebum.
For the rest of the night, Youngjae took no time to complain about all the chores he had to do for his mom. It was tiring, and there were parts during their conversation that he looked like he was about to doze off. It all felt so surreal for Jaebum. They were together, just the two of them in the living room. He felt so warm and seeing Youngjae after hours of missing him made him radiate like the sun.
His eyes never left Youngjae, and he didn’t care if he would have been caught because he was too busy admiring how beautiful the younger was. He was everything, and Jaebum really wished that this could last forever.
Unfortunately, the moment wasn’t built to last forever like he had hoped. It was almost midnight. Youngjae had used all of his points to ask to stay for another hour, so he had to go home right this instant. His mom was already waiting outside.
“Thank you, Youngjae.” Jaebum had this sheepish smile on his face and it was really cute to see. Before he was able to open the door once more, Youngjae grabbed his hand anxiously. The color red seeped through both their skins. Jaebum was mistaking the heat in his body for a fever.
“I want to tell you something.” Youngjae can feel his throat running dry. It made him uncomfortable that Jaebum wasn’t saying anything, but then it made sense that he was basically asking for this spotlight. He cleared his throat before confessing something he had always wanted Jaebum to know. “I like you a lot.”
Youngjae glued his eyes to the floor. He couldn’t find the courage to look at Jaebum because there were so many emotions going through him. When he felt that Jaebum wasn’t under his touch anymore, Youngjae thought of it as a sign that he made a regretful choice. He shouldn’t have told Jaebum, but it was too late now. Youngjae was hit with dismay because right now, he had just ruined a friendship he truly cherished.
At least, that was what he thought anyway. His mind was set to rest when he felt a pair of arms wrap themselves around his waist.
“I like you a lot too, Youngjae.” Jaebum was so glad Youngjae couldn’t see his face right now. “You have no idea how badly I wanted this to happen.”
They had all made it to high school now. There were so many times in which Jaebum wished he was back in middle school or even elementary. Those moments he spent with his friends were something he wanted to happen again, but now the stress was piling on them. They spent most of their week at home, and when there was a moment where they all hung out, it was when they passed each other in the hallway.
Jaebum never made things official with Youngjae, and that was the one thing he regretted most. If only he acted sooner, then they wouldn’t have been so distant from each other like they were now. He missed Youngjae so much, and the feelings he had for him still lingered in his heart. It was just that he couldn’t do anything about it, not anymore.
He drove himself home on Thursday with his back aching from all the textbooks he had to carry. Jaebum was eighteen, and he was very much committed to stop celebrating his birthday.
“Are you sure?” His mom put down the coupon she had received from the bakery they relied on for cakes. She watched as Jaebum set his backpack down beside his desk.
“No more, please.” He pestered his mom to get out of his room before closing the door. His mom was very persistent on continuing to wish him a happy birthday, and no matter how much he told her to stop, he knew it wasn’t enough to prevent her from buying cupcakes for dessert.
This all started when he was seventeen. His birthday that year was vividly embedded in his memory because it was that one time he didn’t get to celebrate with his friends. He didn’t even see Youngjae at all that day, which made it even worse.
It would be too sappy to tell people that though, so he made the excuse that he has matured. There was no point in celebrating something that happened every year. It wasn’t something special, not anymore at the very least.
Jaebum had turned twenty-one years old and in the dorm that he shared with Jinyoung, they shared their first alcoholic drink with each other. It wasn’t much of a celebration, but Jinyoung would definitely call it one even though Jaebum didn’t like the sound of it.
“Stop calling it that.” Jaebum coughed. He could feel the gradual burn going down his throat.
Even after three years, Jaebum was determined to not have a party or any form of commemoration on his birthday. He still hoped that he would see Youngjae again, but after all these years there was no possible way. He had lost all contact with the younger.
He turned twenty-two a year later, and the same resolution was on his list. He wanted nothing to do with parties on his birthday, but when the offer came up to go on a trip with Mark, Jinyoung, and Jackson, he took it with no hesitation. There was an agreement though, and he made sure they all promised on it.
“We are not doing anything extravagant, got it?”
“Are we not allowed to go clubbing too?” Jackson asked like he had some sort of rude awakening. Jaebum nodded and immediately Jackson followed through with a shake. “God.”
Something was different this year, and Jaebum couldn’t exactly explain how. He woke up early on a Saturday, already thinking that it would be one long day. He checked his phone and the first thing he saw was a message from his mom.
“Happy birthday!” She ended it with a heart and though it was expected, he smiled like it was something he had never seen before.
“Thank you, mom.” He sent to her back.
For being twenty-four years old, Jaebum surely had his own apartment. It was small, but it was doable considering he was living by himself. He got out of bed and stretched, feeling his muscles finally relax. He really needed a new mattress and with that thought, maybe he could ask his mom for a new one as a gift. It was his birthday today anyway.
He remembered he made plans with Jinyoung for the afternoon. Jaebum brushed his teeth and took a brisk shower like it was his morning routine. He decided to skip breakfast since it was likely he was going to have lunch in a few hours.
He spent the rest of his early time waiting and doing who knows what. It was boring, really boring. He wanted to get out of here.
The time passed by so slow only because Jaebum was eagerly staring at his clock. He left and locked his house so fast and in record time when he received a message from Jinyoung that he was waiting outside.
“Mark?” He wasn’t expecting to see him waiting too.
“Sorry, he asked if he could come along.” Jinyoung gathered the three of them together.
“I seriously don’t mind.” Jaebum laughed it off. It wasn’t something to apologize for. He really didn’t understand Jinyoung for his reason and it didn't matter for how long they’ve known each other. It was still confusing to him.
There were so many things they had to catch each other up on. It had been awhile since they were able to hang out like this, even if it was just the three of them.
Mark occasionally took his eyes off the menu to look at Jaebum, and it wasn’t something he was trying to do subtly. Jaebum put his menu down and raised an eyebrow questionably.
“Yes?”
It was time for the question to be asked, and Jaebum already knew it was gonna come. “Are you not gonna do anything special again this year?”
The response had always been the same with Jaebum saying yeah, but this time he gave an answer that made even himself surprised.
“I was actually thinking about it this morning.” Jaebum stopped himself for a brief moment before continuing on. “I want to have a party.”
“You want to have a party?” Jinyoung enunciated very skeptically.
“Exactly how I said it, yes.” Jaebum scoffed. “Thank you. You made it even clearer.”
“What changed your mind?” Mark was digging in more personally. “You were so reluctant on not having one for years now.”
“I kept track—” Jinyoung took a sip of his water. “It has been six years.”
Mark and Jaebum made this unusual face expression at Jinyong. It was hard to describe, but it got him to shrug it off. He wasn’t weird. Jinyoung definitely wasn’t the weird one. He can’t be.
“I don’t know.” He was responding to Mark. “I guess I will do something different now. You guys always ask me about it every year anyway.”
It was a lie. He certainly knew why he wanted to have a party. He wished that by throwing a celebration, Youngjae would magically show up. He longed to meet him again, and Jaebum wanted to take this chance even if he knew that he would run into the possibility of not seeing Youngjae.The only problem was that he couldn’t explain his reason for doing it now, after six long years.
“I will definitely let Jackson in on this.” Mark took out his phone. “He can plan it for you.”
Jaebum only chuckled because he didn’t know how else to react. He knew that if Jackson was in charge, it wouldn’t be a small get together like old times.
The party was scheduled to start at eight o’clock and planned to run until everyone was drunk. It would make sense to Jaebum that it started earlier, but he also understood what Jackson was hoping for. He could tell that it was going to be a wild night.
Jinyoung pulled his car to the address that Jackson had sent everybody. He got out of the car, and slowly Jaebum did the same thing. He was nervous.
“I really hope I don’t regret this.” Jaebum yelled over the loud music, but even then Jinyoung didn’t hear his remark.
“Hey, everybody!” Jackson called out. “The birthday boy is here!”
The cheers were as loud as the music playing in the background. Jaebum was so shocked that he was at a loss for words.
“Where did you get these people, Jackson?” Jinyoung was eager to know, but he was also eager to get out of here. He was starting to get a headache.
“I called most of the people from my dorm.”
Jaebum was looking around amongst the crowd. There were so many faces he didn’t recognize, but that wasn’t important.
“Do you know if Youngjae is coming?” Jaebum was feeling doubtful, but he needed to ask. He wanted to know if he was wasting his time.
“I called him.” Mark was the only one that seemed to know, but at the same time he didn’t. “He didn’t pick up, so I texted him. I don’t know if he changed his number.”
Jaebum fell silent and thought perhaps there really was no chance. Mark noticed the immediate change in the atmosphere. Jaebum was for sure disheartened by the way he looked. He excused himself from his friends and somehow was on the balcony by himself.
“He loves him.” Mark thought positively. There was no way that he doubted it was true.
Jinyoung had lost Mark and Jackson in the midst of what he called chaos. The house was already looking like a mess with empty cups laying around and people sleeping in the weirdest places. He went outside and thought he would be getting some breath of fresh air, but there were some people, which he considered kids, smoking some blunts on the sidewalk.
“Gross.” He expressed and just as he was about to get into his car to lock away the streaming line of smoke, someone called out to him timidly. “Youngjae?”
They hugged each other as a reunion. It was eleven o’clock now, and Jinyoung felt as though it wasn’t a waste of two hours if it came to this moment.
“Where have you been?” Jinyoung was shaking either from the cold or from excitement.
“I was in New York.” Youngjae felt really proud to be able to say that. “I got a text from Mark, but I didn’t get it until I landed. The connection wasn’t good up there.”
“You were on the plane?”
“Yeah, I was.” Youngjae showed how relieved he was. “I am so glad I made it on time for his birthday. I was hoping to have all of us meet again to catch up on everything.”
“No kidding.”
“I am gonna guess Jaebum is here?” Youngjae laughed.
Jinyoung decided to escort the younger inside because knowing him, the moment he steps foot in the house, Youngjae would be trying to flee from all sorts of direction. There they ran into Mark again, or well it would be the first for Youngjae.
“Youngjae!” Mark pulled him into an embrace. “Where have you—”
“Been?” Youngjae finished his question successfully. “I would rather talk about it without this many people around, also it’s a very long story.”
“Do you know where Jaebum is?” Jinyoung asked for Youngjae instead.
“No, you’re gonna have a tough time finding him.”
“Is there a terrace here?” Jinyoung asked once more. “I thought I walked by it.”
“I haven’t checked there.” Truth be told, Mark didn’t take a tour around the house yet. He would haven’t known there was a balcony here.
“I can go check.” Youngjae volunteered to go by himself. Jinyoung was not willing to let him go, but he had to remember that the days of him taking care of Youngjae like his own little brother was over.
Youngjae had to squeeze in between many people to just get by. The most dreadful part of it all was the living room. It was packed and everything looked so tight. Youngjae felt as though he was gonna get suffocated by it all.
He eventually reached the balcony, but it was empty. He didn’t see anyone there and he wondered if he had missed this opportunity to see Jaebum again.
“Did he go home?”
Youngjae came back inside and found a staircase that leads to the second floor. It wouldn’t hurt to check, so he climbed up. His logic was that the first floor was the main lobby, kind of, sort of, but not really. It acted like one anyway.
He walked through the hallway and of course greeted some people that were already there. Youngjae stopped at a door. He didn’t know why he stopped at this particular door when there was so many of them he had skipped, but he did. He was ready to open it, and oh my god he was really hoping that he won’t walk in on a couple having sex.
“Please.”
He pulled the handle down and ever so slightly opened the door. There was no moaning or whatever other sound you would hear during sex. He was relieved. Youngjae did however, find someone sleeping on the bed. He mouthed a sorry, which was unnecessary if the person wasn’t going to hear it, but Youngjae had that kind of personality. He was considerate.
Just when he was about to close the door, he stopped. He knew that back, and he knew those broad shoulders that could possibly stretch to be as big as the Pacific Ocean. If he could name anyone, it would always be Jaebum.
He invited himself inside, but he wasn’t sure how to wake up the older. Youngjae carefully sat at the edge of the bed. His eyes stared at Jaebum lovingly, something that was never lost even after these long eight years.
“I missed you.” Youngjae really wanted to brush the fringe away from Jaebum’s eyes. He didn’t want to wake him up though, not after seeing how comfortable he was right now. He remembered how much Jaebum was a heavy sleeper, and he was wishing that he was still the same even at twenty-four years old.
Jaebum groaned in his sleep, but it took him time to finally flutter his eyes open. His eyes were staring in disbelief, and he wondered if they were deceiving him. He reached out an open hand and cupped Youngjae’s cheek with his thumb naturally drawing circles against the soft skin. Jaebum sat up from where he was, his eyes never leaving just like the minute he laid eyes on Youngjae when they were in elementary school.
“Youngjae.” There was nothing else he could say. Jaebum was so overcome with joy, and it all became too much. He couldn’t bear any longer to suppress his emotions.
Youngjae watched his lover cry, and he could see the pained expression on his face. “Jaebum.”
“I missed you so much.” Jaebum spoke in between his sobs. He was holding onto the hem of his own shirt. The tears fell quickly, but they were being soaked in the fabric hugging his body. “I missed you so, so much.”
Youngjae held him in his arms. Jaebum was like the missing puzzle he had been looking for because in his embrace now, it felt so right. Jaebum leaned on Youngjae with their foreheads together, and honestly it was like he found his home.
The music playing through the speakers from downstairs were drowned out. Jaebum and Youngjae found their lips on each other. It was so delicate, and everything they have been wanting. It wouldn’t end. Youngjae kept asking for more, and of course Jaebum wasn’t complaining. This was their way of catching up on things. Until finally, they looked flushed when they pulled away from each other.
“Happy birthday, Jaebum."