Work Text:
Rey wasn’t sure what woke her up but she did a quick scan of her surrounds by habit. She closed her eyes and reached out with the force. Something shivered at the edge of her feelings but disappeared when she focussed on it. There was no other consciousness nearby. She let the force flow through her again and noted the lives of other Resistance members in the base as well as the little shivers of life that were the native animals that crept about the place.
That was probably it. Rey smiled at the memory of the first time Finn had found a wezrai lizard hiding under his bunk. Rey and Rose had a great time coaxing it out with little bits of food while Finn had sat on the top bunk squawking every time the lizard had poked its head out, pointing out that the thing was poisonous and should be exterminated.
Rey had eventually used the force to coerce it out when someone passing by had threatened to bring a pulse gun. Rose had been indignant that they had suggested killing it so Rey had smuggled the thing in a bag to a cave on the other side of the ridge.
Rey didn’t know if she’d been successful or if it would come back. She smiled and snuggled into her blankets wondering if the little critter had indeed come back to lurk under Finn’s bunk again. If Finn was even in his bunk. No doubt he’d found a cosy place with Rose to curl up together.
The desire for physical contact gnawed at her. The memory of Ben’s touch, when he’d taken his glove off still haunted her. His eyes so soft. She’d found a tenderness in him for those brief moments on Ahch-To that startled and seduced her. She squeezed her eyes shut and turned her face into her pillow, trying to banish the memory from her mind.
Ben was just a dream. It was Kylo she’d found instead. The monster, familiar with death. She still didn’t understand. She’d been there. She’d come to him. She’d helped him. He’d killed Snoke, they’d fought together, saving each other…but then. Then…
Rey tried to remember one of the mantras from the Jedi tomes she’d taken from Ahch-To. She really didn’t know what it was all about even yet but at least she’d found some things that helped. She breathed and focussed and let the words soak into her mind.
Her mind began to drift. No matter what she did, it was the loneliness gnawing at her that grieved her the most. She had Finn, and Rose and Leia and Poe and the wezrai lizards and hawk bats and BB-8 and Chewie. She shouldn’t be lonely. But her loneliness was no less than it was on Jakku. Oh sure, she could sleep at night, she didn’t have to be afraid like that anymore but the loneliness was still there.
The kind of loneliness that made it hard to be around Finn and Rose sometimes.
Ben, why didn’t you come with me? Why did you stay with them?
She imagined him, Ben, like he was in the hut on Ahch-To. Gentle, warm and understanding. Here with her.
Just a little fantasy. Let everything else slide away and think of Ben. Good Ben. The Ben who’d come away with her. The Ben who’d given up everything for her, just to be with her. They were snuggled together under the blankets, him at her back. His huge arm curled around her middle. His breath on her neck. His lips on her hair.
A warmth spread across her when she thought of his lips. She wanted him to hold her, kiss her. To be close to her.
It was just a little fantasy she had.
Just a little fantasy that Ben swore he would make come true one day as he cradled the sleeping girl in his arms. He fought sleep because when morning came she’d be gone.
And he’d be the monster again. The monster who invaded a girl’s dreams because he couldn’t stay away from her. A monster who was slowly going insane because he couldn’t hold it together without her. He knew Hux was up to something. Waiting to pounce.
He hated the endless reports and battles and meetings. The galaxy was crumbling before the First Order but the Resistance wasn’t. It was like a cancer in the blood that if you killed it in one place it emerged in three other places. Every time they tried to step on the snake, a dozen more rose up to bite them.
His mother’s name carried more weight than he’d expected. The legend of Luke Skywalker inspired more than it ought. And now…now this girl, this beautiful girl. This girl who was his soul, who was everything to him, had set herself against him.
He should reach out now and take hold of her life and…but he couldn’t. The thought of her dying threatened to bring a sob to his throat. Pain clawed at his heart already because of the distance between them. He looked down at her sleeping face and dared to lift a hand, nay a finger and stroke her cheek.
She breathed and shifted and he withdrew.
He’d keep looking for her. He’d keep hunting down the Resistance and one day he’d find her.
Until then he’d spend what little time the force allowed with her through their bond.
Already he could feel his fatigue. She began to shimmer and fade. He let her go. He’d already learned these few moments of stolen time would leave him drained. He hated leaving her but he had to.
He stared at the wall beside his lonely bed. He would get up and meditate. He needed to be strong tomorrow. They’d found a lead on the Resistance and he was certain he’d find her there this time.