Archive of Our Own

Lukas feels like every day of his life from now on will be awkward.

It’s been six months. Six months since everything turned inside out and upside down. Six months since Philip’s mom was murdered. Six months since Lukas himself was shot and put into a coma. Six months since that lunatic was finally removed from their lives courtesy of Helen. Six months since that abrupt stop that led to the dull pain that came afterwards, the difficult road to healing and moving on looming ahead of them.

But most importantly, it’s been six months since Lukas first let himself acknowledge that he was head over heels in love with Philip. He’d known the thing between them was something from moment one, since he saw that face for the first time in the convenience store and in his dreams later that night. He was sure it was something when the terror of Philip leaving him arrived on his doorstep, when he saw that video and couldn’t feel his face, couldn’t catch his breath, couldn’t get out of the room fast enough. But he finally let himself acknowledge it in that stuffy hotel room—he couldn’t deny his love anymore, not with Philip moving like that, breathing like that, saying his name like that. Lukas had never felt more at peace, more sure of himself and all of his choices in that moment. It was like the stars aligned and nothing was wrong, they weren’t in danger. They were just together. They were in love. Lukas was in love with a boy, Lukas was in love with Philip and it was okay. Nothing else mattered.

But then real life broke through their little bubble and once all the horror was over, the awkwardness began. The shit with Dad is almost too much for Lukas to bear sometimes, and he knows it’ll probably take a lifetime for Dad to get used to the fact that his son is gay.

It’s been six months, and this is the second time they’re all having dinner together. Despite being decidedly better than the last time, the awkwardness is still eating away at Lukas’s soul.

“I mean, they give those things out at every major event nowadays,” Dad says.

And it’s just getting worse.

“Are we really talking about condoms at the dinner table?” Lukas asks, his face going hot. He hears Philip laugh a little bit, nudging their knees together.

“We mostly got them at concerts when I was growing up,” Gabe says.

“Funny to think of you going to concerts and picking up condoms,” Philip says, laughing.

Lukas’s blush only gets darker.

“Yeah,” Helen says, grinning. “Funny.”

“Same thing for me and Sally,” Dad says, and Lukas doesn’t want to know if he’s referring to getting free condoms at concerts or what because he doesn’t want to think about his dad and sex in the same situation ever. He knows sex had to have occurred for him to be in existence but he doesn’t want to think about it. At all. Ever.

His dad clears his throat loudly. Philip takes another bite of his pie and he’s making that face like he’s trying not to laugh. Lukas hates the levity but loves him and everything about him so goddamn much that it makes him want to scream.

“I just—listen,” Dad says, and it sounds bad, it sounds like the beginning of something bad, “even though I’m—I’m not exactly an expert on this whole gay thing—”

“Bo—” Helen starts, but Dad shakes his head.

“No, no—I’m not—I just want to say that even though it’s new to me I’m sure it’s just, you know, the same as any other relationship in terms of, well—the physical aspect—”

Lukas feels like he’s on fire. He covers his face with his hands and hears Helen and Gabe snickering. “Oh my God,” he groans.

“Maybe this isn’t the best time—” Gabe starts.

“I just want to make sure they’re—you know, being safe—”

There’s a weird little pinching pain and a strange warmth in his nose, and then Lukas pulls his hands back and sees a blot of blood in the lines of his palm. He touches his nose again and then there’s more on his fingertip.

“Lukas—”

“He’s got a nosebleed—”

Lukas groans again, tipping his head back and stumbling to his feet, heading towards the bathroom. He holds his fingers to his nose but now the blood is pouring out, the taste of metal on his lips. He closes himself up in the bathroom, the voices in the dining room muffled now. He grabs the nearest hand towel and runs it under the tap, his neck starting to hurt from how he’s got it angled. He sighs heavily. He just wants some normalcy, but not his dad asking about their goddamn sex life. The distance is better.

He grabs for the handle and turns off the water, holding the towel to his nose. If he’s honest with himself, he’d rather be tucked away in the mountains with Philip somewhere. A wide open space where he can ride. A nice house they can make a home together. No one to bother them ever.

He slides down the counter and flops unceremoniously on the tile floor, tilting his head back even further when he feels more blood start to flow.

There’s a soft knock on the door. “Lukas?” Philip’s voice asks.

Lukas sighs, relieved. “Come in,” he says, nasally.

Philip only opens the door a crack and slips inside, his eyes wild for a second before he sees Lukas on the floor. He closes the door again and eases down next to him, sliding an arm around him once he’s sitting. “Hey,” Philip says, softly, in that way that makes Lukas feel like he’s melting. He’s got that look in his eye too, such intent and concern there. “You okay?” Philip asks.

Lukas holds the towel tighter to his nose and straightens his neck out a little bit. He sighs again. “He’s killing me.”

Philip smiles a little bit, though his brows are still tugging together. He tentatively reaches for the towel, and Lukas lets him pull it back a bit. He clicks his tongue when he sees the red stain, the concern even more prevalent in his features. “It’s bleeding pretty bad,” he says.

“Ugh.” Lukas rearranges the towel and presses a clean side to his nose. “Fucking…talking about condoms and sex at the table. Why. Why.”

Philip laughs a little bit. He slides his hands back and forth across Lukas’s shoulders. Lukas is always soothed by his touch, like Philip is a Lukas-whisperer and knows exactly how to draw him out of any kind of funk, but right now he’s digging his fingers into some of the sore spots in Lukas’s shoulders and it’s almost putting him into a trance. He hums a little bit, closing his eyes.

“He still doesn’t know how to deal with all this,” Philip says, his hands still working their magic, turning Lukas into putty. “But it’s actually kind of amazing he’s acknowledging the fact that we have sex without turning into one of those cartoons with steam coming out of his ears.”

Lukas snorts and it hurts when he does it—he grimaces, and Philip’s hand travels up the back of his neck.

“Just relax, babe,” Philip whispers, scooting even closer to him so their legs are pressed together. “It’s fine, it’s completely fine.”

Lukas realizes how loud he’s breathing through his mouth and he has no idea why Philip finds him attractive. A lanky mouth-breather who gets nosebleeds.

Philip is drawing his fingertips up and down the back of Lukas’s neck and Lukas makes a stupid little noise, practically vibrating under his attention. “How do you know how to do this?” Lukas asks.

“Do what?”

“Whatever the hell you’re doing,” Lukas says. He drops his hand because his nose isn’t really bleeding anymore, not nearly as bad as it was. He puts the towel aside, out of the way of the rug. “You’re like—sending ripples of calm through my body and I was anxious as hell before you got here.”

Philip hums, sounding proud of himself, and he leans in, pressing a long kiss to Lukas’s cheek. “I just like touching you,” he says.

Something familiar stirs in Lukas’s stomach. “Even when I’m bloody and embarrassing on the bathroom floor?” he asks, his eyes still closed.

Philip kisses Lukas’s cheek again, still caressing the back of his neck. “Even then,” he says, resting his chin on Lukas’s shoulder.

Lukas knows there’s blood caked around his nostrils and he has to take care of that at some point. He sinks into the spot they’ve made together, shifts further into Philip’s embrace, and reminds himself that he hasn’t let anyone take care of him since his mom died. That he’s never allowed himself to be vulnerable without lashing out. Philip has broken him of that. Lukas doesn’t mind anymore what Philip sees. Lukas wants him to see, Lukas wants him to be a part of every aspect of his life, whether it’s embarrassing or not. Lukas loves this—the comfort he’s finally allowed himself to find in Philip’s arms. He feels safe, loved, despite how stupid and idiotic he can be. Philip doesn’t care. Philip wants him anyways.

“I think,” Lukas says, “that you’re the best person on the planet.”

“You getting sappy on me, Waldenbeck?” Philip asks, the vibrations of his voice running through Lukas’s bones and settling in the core of him.

“Yup,” Lukas admits. “Nosebleeds. Sappy admissions. I love you.”

He only said it out loud for the first time a week ago. They were in the park and the sunset was glowing behind Philip’s head, catching on his hair and his eyelashes, illuminating that smile that makes Lukas’s chest go tight and his heart pulse, and he couldn’t take it anymore. He snipped those last strings away and let go of his old rules, his old boundaries, everything that had been holding him back.

Philip still goes stiff when he says it, like he isn’t sure if it’s in his own head or not. Lukas can’t wait for the day when he stops doing that, when it’s natural, something they’re used to exchanging over oatmeal in the morning, at the door before work, in bed before sleep for the night when they’re tangled up in each other. In their own room. In their own place. In the life they share.

He thinks about it more than he thought he would.

“You’re fuckin’ cute when you’re playing damsel in distress,” Philip says, though there’s that telltale emotion hanging on the ends of his words. “I love you too.”

“Damsel,” Lukas laughs.

“I knew you wanted me to come after you,” Philip says. “Knew it. You might as well have said it out loud.”

Lukas wipes at his nose absentmindedly and frowns at himself, finally opening his eyes and looking down at the blood smeared on the side of his hand. “I needed you to save me.” He doesn’t say that Philip saved him over and over from the very first time he looked at him. That he’s alive because of him. Physically alive, yes, and Philip knows that. But his soul is alive too, full of light and new purpose because Philip touched him. Because Philip stuck to him. Because Philip followed him. Not just now but always. Followed him, took his hand, led him back to safety. To love.

Fuck, he is getting sappy.

“Let’s clean you up here,” Philip says, tugging on Lukas’s arm. Lukas groans as Philip draws him to his feet and Philip mocks him, getting it almost exact, which makes Lukas laugh. They lean into each other and bump each other back and Lukas likes nothing more than being in Philip’s orbit. Philip kisses Lukas’s shoulder, takes his hand and kisses it, and Lukas just watches him in the mirror and knows he’ll never love another human being as much as he loves this one. This one is perfect. This one is his soulmate.

His goddamn soulmate. It’s staggering and insane and so clearly true. It shocks him how much it doesn’t scare him. Not even a little bit. Not even at all.

Philip grabs another hand towel and runs it under cold water for a couple seconds before turning it off again. He takes Lukas’s chin in his hand lightly and turns his face, carefully dabbing at the blood. “How often do you get nosebleeds?” he asks.

“Not too often,” Lukas says. “I’m surprised I don’t get ‘em more often.”

“When was the last time?”

Lukas immediately starts blushing at the horror of the memory. “Uh, Dad walked in on me.”

Philip screws up his face, his eyes going a little wide. “Ugh. When was that?”

He blushes even harder. “Uh. Like…two days after we first rode together.”

A little smile sneaks onto Philip’s face, his eyes flicking up to find Lukas’s. There’s a tinge of red in his cheeks now, too, which makes him look even more radiant than he did before. Which should be an impossible thing. But everything about Philip is impossible. “Oh,” he says, sure. “Okay.”

Lukas nods. “Yeah, uh—right after he went back to his room my nose started bleeding and it didn’t stop for like half an hour.”

Philip steps forward and kisses the hinge of Lukas’s jaw. “You’re coming home with us tonight, right?”

“Yeah,” Lukas says, sniffling a little bit as Philip keeps working at the blood without even looking. “Dad said I could.” He settles one hand on Philip’s waist.

“Good,” Philip says, pulling back. He puts the towel on the counter and inspects his work, and Lukas is always struck by the beautiful shape of his nose. “You know Helen and Gabe are well beyond walking in on us.”

Lukas laughs, grinning. “Yeah, they’re—yeah.”

“So how you doing?” Philip asks, caressing Lukas’s cheek with the backs of his knuckles. “You okay, babe? You ready to go back out there?”

Lukas looks at himself in the mirror. There isn’t any blood left, doesn’t look like there was any to begin with, but he doesn’t know if he should kiss Philip when he was all bloody a minute ago.

Then he remembers Philip covered his bullet wound with his bare hand.

Philip leans in and kisses him then, without any hesitation. He tastes sweet, and then Lukas remembers he’d started on dessert before any of the rest of them. Key lime pie.

“Yeah,” he says, nodding. “Let’s just—divert any sex talk to some other topic.”

“If they bring up sex again I’ll just start talking about nature documentaries and it’ll double as a distraction for them and an inside joke for us.”

Lukas’s heart swells with love and he nods, unable to form words. Philip is so fucking strong despite what he’s been through. So selfless. Lukas doesn’t know what he did to deserve such a person. He knows he’d be able to face hell itself if Philip was by his side. He basically already has.

“Come on,” Philip says, reaching down and threading their fingers together. “Let’s go.”

Lukas follows him. He’d follow him anywhere.