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There were a lot of things that Ken would have preferred doing more than standing out here in the bitter cold. As he stuck his numb fingers into his pockets, he imagined that stack of books lying on his tiny, square coffee table back home. They were all brand-new, thick paperback novels he’d been waiting all semester to crack open and yet even with winter break already well under way, he was here, surrounded by couples on Christmas Eve in Shibuya. He felt more than a few pairs of eyes on him, curious glances and whispered giggles. He lowered his chin into his scarf until it covered the lower half of his face. He wished he could cover his whole body with it and melt away into the dark recesses of the nearest alleyway, but there was no escaping the unwanted attention. He gritted his teeth and pulled out his phone.
‘Where the hell are you’ He tapped the message out and had to redo it over and over, the numbness in his fingertips making him press the wrong letters.
Three circles appeared at the end of the chat log. Ken stared at them, trying to project as much of his irritation as possible through the screen.
‘Train just left Omotesando! Gimme like five minutes, tops.’
‘Omotesando?? Hide, I’ve been standing here for FIFTEEN minutes. You were supposed to be here half an hour ago.’
‘You cant see me now, but im doing a dogeza, begging for your forgiveness, Kaneki-san. Forgive me quick, coz people are starin’
‘If you don’t get here in five minutes, I really WILL force you down on your knees.’
‘OOOH. Kinky. ;)’
‘I swear to god, Hide’
‘Hey look! it’s Shibuya station! Seeya soon, ‘Neki!’
Ken huffed and pocketed his phone. There was nothing to do but wait, he supposed. As he looked up to find something to focus on, he regretted putting his phone away. Now he was all too aware again of how odd he looked, standing by the Hachiko exit with no one but the wintry afternoon air to accompany him. He sighed and watched his breath turn to puffs of white smoke that faded into nothing. Oh, how he wanted to just disappear like that.
“Hey there, handsome.”
Hot breath on his ear made him jump and whirl around. “Hide?” he spluttered, one hand on his ear.
Hide grinned, his cheeks and nose red and his breaths coming out in several visible puffs. “Hiya,” he said, waving a gloved hand. “Sorry I’m late. I had, um, stuff to take care of.”
“Stuff? What kind of stuff?”
“You’ll see,” he said, winking. “Anyway, let’s get moving! I’m starving.”
And I’m freezing, Ken wanted to bitingly reply, but somehow, he didn’t have it in him to be angry anymore. As usual, Hide was the only person he could count on that calmed him down simply by being there with his cheeky smile.
“So,” he said lightly, “what’s on the agenda?”
“Uh, let’s see…” Hide rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “I was thinkin’ we could grab a bite here and head over to Skytree for the last illumination. Then take a turn around Asakusa for the shrine and maybe some shopping at Takeshita too if you want.”
Ken nodded slowly. It was unusual for Hide to have planned out a date so thoroughly in advance. Usually they just went wherever they wanted to go without being confined to any particular itinerary. They’d been going out for more or less four years now, and had sort of just… settled into a leisurely pace so, in a way, this was refreshing. Ken suspected there was more to this date plan than met the eye, but all he could do was nod and go along with it because obviously, whatever the twist was, it was supposed to be a surprise. The idea of it made him smile. Hide was terrible at organizing surprises.
“Ready to go?” Hide asked him, holding out a hand. It was bare. Ken glanced at his pockets and saw the glove peeking out one of them. He looked back at Hide’s splayed fingers. Then he looked around. Couples moved around them in waves, all absorbed in each other. A few cast him and Hide some strange looks, but he wasn’t nervous anymore. He reached for Hide’s hand and their fingers interlocked like muscle memory, slotting perfectly into each other’s hand without them giving it a second thought.
“Oh, geez, your hands are like ice,” Hide said with a rueful look on his face. “You wanna borrow my gloves?”
“No, thanks,” Ken said. “This should be fine.” He placed their hands into Hide’s pocket, never letting go.
“Good thinking,” Hide laughed.
“Not really. Your pocket is way too small.”
“Well, at least it’s warm.”
“At least.”
They set off down the scramble crossing. Here, in the tumultuous sea of people in love, Ken felt like he had melted into nothing, but in a good way. He hadn’t vanished, like he had wanted to earlier, but he was here, and here was Hide, and Hide was… Ken felt himself blush. What was he thinking? For some reason, his heart was racing. It was almost like he was a high schooler falling in love all over again.
“Feels like a first date, huh,” Hide remarked as they reached the other side of the street, just in front of Starbucks and Tatsuya, the DVD and CD shop. Ken raised his eyebrows at him but he wasn’t surprised. Hide had a knack for figuring him out without needing any words of explanation.
“Maybe,” Ken admitted. “A little bit. Except you didn’t plan our first one. That one was a disaster.”
Hide winced. “Don’t remind me. Nishiki is still on my case for that. He’ll never get the stain out of his favorite shirt, he tells me. Every day.”
“Why doesn’t he buy a new one then?”
“Dunno. Sentimental value?”
“For a shirt?”
“Maybe it was the one he was wearing when Kimi gave him his first bl—”
“Okay, you don’t need to say anything else. I’m good. I get it.”
Hide laughed loudly. “Kidding, kidding,” he said.
A little way down Central Street, Hide paused at a staircase leading up to the second floor of a building. The words Shelley’s Diner OPEN 7AM-10PM and a blue arrow pointing up were plastered on every step, just to make sure nobody missed it. Hide turned to Ken and jerked his thumb in the direction of the staircase.
“I know this place. It’s pretty good,” he said.
Ken squinted at the signs on the steps. “You’ve been here?”
“Yeah, a couple of times when you were too busy to hang out. Nice quiet place.”
“Hmm.” Well, it didn’t hurt to try something new. “Okay, let’s go,” he said.
They went up the steps and found themselves right at the entrance to the diner. A woman waited outside at a wooden podium and smiled when she saw them.
“Welcome to Shelley’s!” she said warmly. “Table for two?”
Ken knitted his eyebrows together. She wasn’t looking at them strangely. She didn’t even spare a glance at their intertwined fingers. That was new.
“Yes, for two, please,” Hide said, nodding gratefully.
“Right this way, sirs,” the woman said, bowing slightly and opening the door for them. Once inside, the rush of warmth from the indoor heating system made Ken sigh in relief. Finally. They followed the woman to an empty booth to one side of the diner. There were quite a few people around, mostly couples, but this part of the diner was quieter than the rest.
Once he and Hide were seated and loosening their scarves, the woman produced a laminated menu and placed it on the table between them.
“Tonight we are serving a special Christmas Eve course at two thousand yen for couples only,” she said in a voice that was both cheery and hushed at the same time. “Would you like to avail of this course?”
Hide and Ken exchanged glances. This woman really was something else. Not only was she perceptive and tactful enough not to comment or react, but she was also incredibly open-minded. Not many would even acknowledge the two of them as a couple. Most would chalk it up to a prank or a phase of puberty. Not this woman, though.
“Uh… yes, please,” Hide said hesitantly.
The woman beamed and bowed again. “Thank you very much. I will be back with your entrées straight away.” She hurried off, expertly weaving around the tables.
Ken looked at Hide. “Well that was… different.”
“Totally different,” Hide agreed.
That was all they could say about it. They had both been through their fair share of abuse for wanting to date each other. Abuse from their families, abuse from their classmates, abuse from random strangers, abuse from all over the place. At this point, they were used to it, but Ken knew he would never be able to deflect an accusation as easily as Hide could. In any case, he was sure neither of them wanted to think about that right now. It was time to change the subject.
“So how did you come up with today’s itinerary?” Ken asked, leaning forward. “How many pamphlets did you go through? How many magazines and websites?”
“You say that like I don’t plan anything ever.”
“You really don’t.”
“… Point taken.” Hide shook his head in defeat. “I read one site. Just one.”
“And?”
“Aaaand I might have asked around. Just a little bit,” he added hastily.
“Asked around?” Ken’s eyebrows shot up.
“What? It’s not a crime to ask for advice, right?” Hide pouted, crossing his arms.
“I’m kidding, Hide,” Ken said, smiling. “It’s not a crime. I was just curious because you don’t do this kind of thing often.”
“You mean taking you on what—according to my sources and calculations—will be the best date ever?”
“I was going to say, ‘planning ahead,’ but maybe that’ll work too.”
“You’re gonna regret doubting my date-planning abilities,” Hide said warningly.
“I didn’t know there was anything to doubt,” Ken retorted, smothering a laugh.
“Ugh, enough with the clapbacks,” Hide groaned. “I’m done.”
Ken laughed. Before he could say anything more, the food arrived and soon enough they were both fully engrossed in their dinner. With an entrée, main dish, and dessert good for two, it was all enough to make Ken wonder why there weren’t more couples at the diner. It was delicious and worth the money—something which one barely experienced anymore. He was full and absolutely satisfied. Hide was busy tapping away an Instagram post on his phone. Even though Ken didn’t really see the point in it, he liked watching Hide’s forehead wrinkle and the tip of his tongue poke out of the corner of his mouth as he thought long and hard about his caption. Ken found himself resting his chin on his hand as he stared at Hide staring at his phone. In his mind’s eye, he imagined reaching out and touching that jawbone, tracing a line to his chin, thumb on his lips, parting them for a kiss.
Then out of nowhere, a small blue box materialized in front of him. He snapped out of his reverie and saw the woman from earlier smiling at him before heading to another table to serve another customer. He frowned and looked back down at the box on the table before him. Hide was eyeing it curiously too.
“Well, are you gonna open it, Ken, or what?” he prodded.
Ken took the box in his hands. There was a little cream-colored envelope taped to the top of it. He gingerly peeled it off and opened the envelope. In it was a card.
Merry Christmas to my favorite person,
Who puts up with me, though I haven’t learned my lesson.
I’m as happy as ever with you by my side,
I could count on one hand all the times that I’ve cried.
Tonight I wanted to give you a feast worthy of a king,
One so good, it’d make you wanna sing.
After this we’re going to Skytree
For the lights, but to be honest, you’re all I ever see.
Ken knew he would be lying to himself if he didn’t feel his chest squeeze with emotion as he realized that Hide had written him a poem. He looked up at Hide, who was grinning bashfully. He gestured for Ken to open the box. He pried it open with careful fingers to reveal a chocolate cupcake. Or what resembled a chocolate cupcake.
“Remember back in high school, when we first started going out?” Hide said, his voice a little subdued. “On Valentines’ Day, I wasn’t able to give you anything I made myself. Every year I’d screw it up somehow and Touka’s sick and tired of me making a mess in her kitchen. I know it isn’t Valentine’s or anything, but… better late than never, right?”
“Hide…” Ken didn’t know what to say. He’d been expecting a surprise, but this wasn’t at all what he thought he’d imagined. He stood up in his seat and leaned over the table, planting a soft kiss on the corner of Hide’s mouth. He didn’t care if anyone looked. He didn’t care if anyone stared. “Thank you,” he said as sincerely as he could.
Hide blushed and rubbed the back of his neck. “I-It’s not the last gift, of course,” he stammered. “There’s way more where that came from.”
“Is that why you were so late today?” Ken asked. “Because you were making sure everything was in place?”
“Kind of,” Hide said, his smile turning furtive. “Well, what’re you waitin’ for? It’s not poisoned or anything. I’ve made sure of that.”
Ken raised the cupcake to eye level. It was rather clumsily made, but at least it looked like what it was supposed to be. That was more than he could manage himself when it came to baking. If it took Hide four years to get to this point, Ken wondered how Touka’s kitchen was holding up. Though he could imagine she would be more pissed off for Yoriko’s sake than her own, since Yoriko used the place way more often.
The cupcake tasted like a cupcake too, which was yet another achievement. Sweet, almost too sweet, with a pillow-y soft center, it was every amateur baker’s dream. Ken ate it slowly, savoring every bite.
“It’s delicious, Hide,” he said happily, folding the cupcake wrapper neatly and placing it on the table. “You could start a bakery with that.”
“Now you’re just flattering me,” Hide laughed before glancing at his watch. “Oh, hey, it’s about time we got moving. We might miss the illumination.”
They left the diner satisfied and content and set off for Skytree at a leisurely pace with their hands intertwined in Hide’s pocket and the bright lights of Shibuya dulling to background noise. Ken walked close to Hide, shoulder to shoulder, and rested his head against him. This year had been rough, relentless with university deadlines and bouts of writer’s block. More than three-fourths of the time, he was shut up in his room, trying to churn out page after tedious page of either a class essay or a bit piece for a magazine. More than once he had thought to himself that it was about time to quit. Turn off his laptop and just close his eyes and forget it all.
The only reason he couldn’t bring himself to stop was Hide. It had been hard enough for both of them to wiggle their way out of their families’ vicelike grip. He didn’t want Hide to know he was thinking of crumbling under the pressure. But Hide already knew. He just didn’t let on, not in words, at least. Very Hide-like.
Walking like this, as though responsibilities didn’t exist and as though they didn’t need to think of anything else but each other, was already more than Ken could ask for. He could already feel the tension in his body slowly seeping into the chilly night air. He felt Hide’s thumb caress his fingers in a steady little back-and-forth rhythm that put Ken even more at ease.
“I liked that little short story in the newspaper that came out the other day,” Hide said suddenly. “You don’t usually write about romance.”
Ken gaped at him. “How did you know that was me? I wrote under a pseud and everything.”
Hide looked at him with a matter-of-fact expression. “I’ve been reading your work for years, ‘Neki,” he said. “Don’t think you can fool me with a pen name and a new writing style. I could smell your work from a mile away, blindfolded, and with one hand tied behind my back.”
Now Ken couldn’t help but laugh a little at that. It made no sense at all, but it was funny. Very Hide-like. It was one of the things he loved most.
The illumination sat right between “breathtaking” and “mundane” in that perfect middle ground that nobody really had a word for except perhaps “nice” accompanied by a single impressed nod. At the end of it, a young man wearing a Santa hat with a jingle bell attached to it stepped up to meet them and presented Ken with a neatly wrapped present about the size of one of his paperback novels back home. Another envelope was taped to it. Ken peeled it off and opened it. The new poem read:
I know it’s been a while since you last had time
To breathe freely without a deadline.
You work so hard, and I’m so proud,
Makes me wanna sing your praises really really loud
I wish I could be
Your one and only sanctuary.
You can run to me, and I’d hold you tight
In my arms all day and night.
“I suck at poetry,” Hide said just as Ken finished reading the last line. “It’s really not my strong suit. Makes me wonder how you can do like… five a month.”
“I don’t do that many,” Ken said laughingly. “Just one or two.”
“Well that’s more I do in a year.”
Ken rolled his eyes and, just as carefully as he had with the first present, opened the second. His jaw dropped. It was a pack of ukiyo-e style bookmarks and… Sen Takatsuki’s next and supposedly final novel, set for release at the end of January of next year. And yet here it was, in his hands, a whole month early.
“Hide…” he said softly as his eyes traced the kanji of the title. King Bileygr. His heart pounded wildly in his chest and his fingers itched to open it and start devouring every word. “How did you get this?”
Hide grinned, a conspiratorial glint in his eye. “I have my ways,” he said. “Why not open it? The surprise gets better.”
Ken looked at him quizzically but then the possibility of what might be inside dawned on him. His eyes widened. “No…” he whispered. “You didn’t…”
“Open it, c’mon!”
With clammy fingers, he did. And there it was on the very first page—Sen Takatsuki’s unmistakable handwriting. ‘For one of my most avid readers, Ken Kaneki. Thank you for supporting me all these years. Sincerely, Sen Takatsuki. P.S. You have a very lovely friend. Treasure him always.’
He was speechless. This was… He didn’t even know how to describe it. He couldn’t even begin to imagine how much Hide must have gone through to get King Bilegyr one month before release, much less get Sen Takatsuki to sign it himself. But a gift was a gift. He craned his neck and kissed Hide’s lips, lingering a few moments longer than he should have. He heard a few indignant and shocked outbursts from the people around them, but he couldn’t care less.
“Thank you,” he said, his breath ghosting Hide’s skin. “I’m really, really… so happy.”
Hide’s hand found his and squeezed it. “That’s all I ever want,” he said softly. “I’m happy when you are. And when you aren’t, I’ll be here to bear the burden with you.”
Ken felt a familiar ache in his nose. He pressed his lips together. What did he ever do to deserve the man standing before him? This man who, he knew, would give up everything for his happiness. It was unfathomable. He couldn’t put his feelings into words. All he could do was step forward and rest his head against Hide’s chest.
I wish I could be your sanctuary, Hide’s poem had read.
“You’re such an idiot,” Ken said quietly.
“What? What was that?”
“Nothing.”
“Oh… Okay.” Hide glanced at his watch again. “Shrine time?”
Ken straightened with a smile. “Let’s go.”
Sensoji Temple wasn’t crammed full of people, but it definitely wasn’t devoid of them.
Most of the visitors were tourists, evident as they wandered the grounds taking pictures, held up maps, or squinted at signs in Japanese. Ken and Hide lined up at the shrine proper, a family of four in front of them and another couple behind them. The girl was particularly chatty. And loud.
“Honestly,” she said, a thick drawl to her syllables, indicating a Kansai accent. “D’you think this should be allowed in here? The caretakers are seriously losing their touch if they aren’t making sure the wrong sort of people don’t come in here. I mean… it’s a holy place, y’know?”
Ken felt his body freeze before he even realized it. He wanted to do something, say something—anything—to make the situation even a little bit less painful to endure. But he couldn’t do it. His throat was turning dry quick, and his jaw was clenched so tight he could hear his teeth grinding against each other.
“Shh, don’t make a damn scene, Rika,” the girl’s boyfriend hissed.
“But, Ry—”
“No, I don’t want to hear it,” he snapped. “We’re at a temple right now. A holy place, like you said. So maybe you should act like it. I don’t want to have to deal with trouble right now.”
The girl huffed. “Fine.”
Just as she fell silent, it was Ken and Hide’s turn to pay their respects. They bowed, offered their coins, and said their prayers. Ken’s thoughts, however, were elsewhere, muddied by the Kansai girl named Rika and the words he had dreaded hearing. He was still having trouble putting his temper to rest, and by the time he snapped out of it, Hide had to drag him away from the shrine.
“Sorry,” Ken mumbled as they left, rounding a corner to a dark and empty street.
“You’re not the one who has to apologize,” Hide assured him. “Come on, I’ve got to give you your last gift.”
Ken paused. There was more? The happy, on-cloud-nine excitement he had had earlier had turned sour and he almost wasn’t in the mood for any more merrymaking. He looked up at Hide, wanting to say, “I want to go home,” but stopped mid-sentence when he saw the look on Hide’s face.
“I’m really sorry,” Hide said, his expression dark. “This wasn’t how I…” He shook his head. “Tonight was going so well that I let my guard down. I didn’t—I should’ve—”
“No… No, Hide, it’s not your fault.” Ken put a hand on Hide’s arm. He felt awful for not noticing sooner. He hadn’t been the only one feeling this way. He never was the only one. He tended to forget that. “Look… That girl… Let’s just forget about her. She’s a bitch and let’s leave it at that. We don’t need to let her ruin our night.” He squeezed Hide’s arm reassuringly.
Hide looked at Ken, long and hard. Then glanced away with a heavy sigh. “You’re right. She’s not worth the time.” He took another breath, and exhaled, a long, seemingly endless stream of white smoke rushing out of his lips into the night air. Then he laughed a small, morose laugh.
“This isn’t how I imagined things would go,” he said slowly. “But… I’m not gonna let myself give up now.” He reached into his jacket and pulled out a little cream-colored envelope. He pressed it into Ken’s palms with a firm determination to his grip and expression that Ken had only seen once before. “Read it,” Hide said.
Ken did.
I think I’m really nervous—my hands are kinda shaking,
But I spent all day thinking and thinking.
You mean the world to me, you’re my one and only.
Without you, I’d be oh-so lonely.
It’s been more than ten years since I first met you,
Reading a book at school, looking really blue.
Maybe it wasn’t obvious, but I was nervous back then.
I was thinking you wouldn’t wanna be my friend.
Now, I’ve got something else to tell you.
Every day I’ve been thinking, “Is this what I want to do?”
The answer—for me—is yes, no doubt.
But the last thing I want is for you to freak out.
You’re my lover, my best friend, my everything.
For your happiness, I would do anything.
The poem ended there. He lowered the card and saw Hide looking up at him with one knee resting against the cold pavement. In his hands was a velvety, little red box. Ken felt his heart jump to his throat.
“Ken Kaneki,” Hide said, his voice clear and strong with conviction. He opened the box and the glint of a ring was enough to make Ken weak in the knees. “Would you like to spend the rest of your life with me?”
The moment was suspended in time. The space between question and answer was like a euphoric high that was impossible to come back down from. Ken leaped forward, tackling Hide into the ground.
“Wh—Ken—hey! Th-The ring, man!”
They landed, hard, on the ground. Ken hovered over Hide, grinning so widely that his cheeks hurt. They were centimeters apart, near enough for Ken to count every eyelash, to see the flush in Hide’s cheeks.
“This thing was hella expensive, you know,” Hide sighed, holding up the box. He was trying to look stern, but he couldn’t help the nervous look in his eyes. “So… Is this a yes?”
Ken shook his head. “It’s not just a yes,” he said. “I would love to, Hide. You’re half of me, a part of my soul. Marrying you… How could I say no to that?”
Hide’s pensive expression broke into a full grin. He popped open the box and tugged the ring from its confines. He took Ken by the hand and slid the ring onto his finger. Hide held his hand for a long time, marveling at it. Then he sniffled loudly and had to turn away, swiping the back of his hand against his nose. Ken laughed.
“Are-Are you… crying?”
“Shuddup…” Hide whined, pressing both palms to his eyes. “I just… I’ve been waiting for this day… Dreaming about it, thinking about what I’d say… how I’d say it… And then I’d worry myself in circles about what you’d say… What I’d do if you said no…” He lowered his hands suddenly, looking panicked. “I mean! I wouldn’t take it against you if you didn’t want to! I’d completely understand. I—”
Ken leaned forward and kissed him. He’d been doing this an awful lot tonight, he knew, but he couldn’t help it. His gift was still all wrapped up back home, after all. Peppering Hide with kisses was the least he could do. For now. Still, there was more he had to say.
“About a while ago,” he said, sitting back on his heels. “With that girl. I… I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t get angry. Or hurt. But I want you to know that no matter how many times anyone tries to tear me—or us—down, I will never, ever think differently of you and of us. You mean everything to me. If I lost you…” He bit the inside of his lip. He didn’t even want to imagine it. Not for a split second. Hide reached out, his fingers—cold from the chill—touching Ken’s cheek.
“It’s okay,” he said with as cheery a smile as he could muster. “She pissed me off too, but… Well, what can we do?” He paused, laughing. “Hey! That kind of rhymed! I think I’m getting the hang of this poetry stuff.”
Ken smiled. “Poetry isn’t all about rhymes.”
“It’s a step up, though, you have to admit. But anyway… Like you said, no matter how much people might try to get at us… to make us feel different or whatever… I don’t care. Maybe I can’t change their minds. Maybe I never will. But that’s not something I set out to do in the first place. I’m here because I want to live, and live the way I want to. And that means I wanna spend every bit of my life with you. It doesn’t matter to me what they think about that.”
Change. Hide was talking about change. And he was right. Maybe it was impossible to change everyone’s mind with a single snap of their fingers. Even if they said the sappiest things out here, it wouldn’t make a difference. The best they could do was live and love and simply… do what they’ve always wanted to do.
“I know I don’t say it enough,” Ken said, “but… Hide, I love you. To the stars and back. I know it sounds cheesy and stupid, I know it’s cliché. But I do. More than anyone else, more than anything, I love you.”
“More than a really good hamburger steak?” Hide teased.
“More than that.”
“Even with omelet rice on the side?”
“You’re making it kind of hard for me to choose.”
“Really?”
“No, I’m just kidding.”
They laughed. Nothing boisterous like a guffaw, but quiet, affectionate laughter. The sort that settled softly in one’s heart and filled it with a warm glow.
Ken slid his arms around Hide, and he knew he was no longer outside in the middle of the street in Asakusa on Christmas Eve. He was warm, safe, and happier than he’d ever been. He wasn’t cold. Not anymore. He remembered the feeling, but it was a years-old memory.
He was home.