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It wasn’t that Jinyoung wasn’t good with words or expressing emotions like the reality show portrayed him as. In fact, it’s the complete opposite. He possesses a quiet - extremely quiet - wisdom that, really, only his closest friends understand. He doesn’t like to boast about how much he’s grown or how tall he’s gotten. But he does enjoy bringing his friends up when they’re in a slump or feeling like they’re not good enough.
So it doesn’t quite make sense to Jinyoung that, in the last few months, he didn’t know what to say to Hwang Minhyun. He has to admit they weren’t that close back in their Produce 101 days and only really got to know each other when he got center for Hands on Me. Jinyoung approached him himself, swallowing whatever non-existent pride he had, or maybe it was anxiety, and asked Minhyun how to exude charisma and sexiness on stage.
He was rewarded with a bright smile then the rest was history.
But he’s frustrated as, right now, he doesn’t know how to act around him. Ever since they came back from Zero Base, he wasn’t sure how Minhyun saw the two of them. Minhyun was an enigma, affections were either earned or spontaneously given. Jinyoung wasn’t sure if he saw him as a motherly big brother or something else. Why is he so fidgety around him, squirming uncomfortably and coughing too many times in one minute? Bae Jinyoung, get your head together!
“Morning, Jinyoungie,” came a soft yet cheerful voice from behind him and after almost two years of living with all of the uniquely different members, he’s able to distinguish which voice belonged to who. It still didn’t stop him from being a little startled though. That mirror prank back in produce really did a number on him. And his pants.
“Morning, Jisung hyung.” Jisung sleepily ruffled Jinyoung’s hair while mumbling “Glad you wake up by yourself now. Makes my job easier.” Their leader reached into one of the cupboards for a clean bowl and fixed himself up some cereal. Jinyoung watched him with an amused smile. The bird’s nest hairdo he was sporting on top of his head wasn’t exactly the best look on any human. “Did you sleep well, hyung?”
“Best sleep I had in weeks. Meeting for the last comeback ended early so I got to sleep a whole, get this,” Jisung leaned closer like he was going to whisper one of the president’s dirty secrets to him. “5 hours. Ugh, it’s glorious. I actually finished a dream this time. Wanna hear about it?”
Jinyoung already tuned out when Jisung mentioned the words last comeback. Ah. That’s right. It’s about that time of the year when comebacks are anticipated for a lot of groups, theirs included. It leaves a bittersweet taste in his mouth really. He’s grown to really love his members as family the past year and he can’t believe it’s almost over. All of them will go back to their own companies, some to train for new groups, some back to their old groups.
Like Minhyun.
God, he feels like an asshole. He knows how much Minhyun misses his group. They are his first family after all, nothing Wanna One can do can change the fact that Minhyun will always be NU’EST’s Minhyun first before Wanna One’s Minhyun. Jinyoung knows that particularly well. He shouldn’t feel sad that Minhyun is going back to where he belongs, right? That’s the nobler thing to do.
“Yah, Jinyoungie, you listening?” Jinyoung snapped out of his thoughts and directed his full attention back to Jisung. The elder boy raised an eyebrow, gaze falling to the milk dripping from Jinyoung’s cereal spoon to the kitchen counter. “Are you alright, kid?” No. He isn’t. But who is he to make their leader worry over the inevitable?
“Yeah. Just zoned out for a second, that’s all.” Jinyoung scratched the back of his head in his usual endearing way to try and distract his hyung. Jisung blinked a few times before shaking his head fondly. “Anyway, what were you saying?”
“I was asking you if you were down to recording a ballad with Minhyun in the last full album? Minhyun said he’s been dying to have a duet with you and I think your voices would really sound good together.” Jinyoung couldn’t believe what was coming out of Jisung’s mouth right now. Just as he was having an existential crisis over Hwang Minhyun, Jisung just casually mentions he will be singing with him on their last album.
If there is a god up there, it sure does like to mess with him.
“Jinyoungie? Yah, you’re zoning out again!” Jisung was now right in front of him, hands waving and eyes wide. Jinyoung should really learn to get himself together much faster, it’s a big concern. “Are you really okay? If you don’t want to do a duet then I’ll just go ask someone else--”
“No!” Even he surprised himself with the volume of his voice. He’s never raised his voice to the older members of the group before, even on his bad days. Jisung just stared at him, mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water and Jinyoung had to use all his strength to calm the fuck down. “I’m sorry, hyung. I-I meant to say, I’d be honored to sing with Minhyun hyung. That sounds like a great idea.”
“What sounds like a great idea?”
“Singing with Minhyun!” Only then did Jinyoung realise that Jisung’s mouth did not move and his pride in being able to distinguish all 11 of the members’ voices was straight up false. As proof of Bae Jinyoung’s utter stupidity and naivety, there stood Minhyun at the archway of the kitchen looking like a swollen dumpling with hair. Maybe Jinyoung should just shut up. Maybe he should shut up right now.
After pressing his lips tightly together, he chanced a glance towards Jisung in the tiniest gesture of help me. Thankfully, Jisung got it and made a beeline towards the still half-asleep dumpling standing before them. “Minhyunie! Great news! Jinyoung wants to sing that duet with you.” Jisung flashed an obvious and too bright smile in his direction which, in Jisung’s language, meant talk to me later.
Minhyun’s eyes opened up completely at that and Jinyoung must be seeing things because are his eyes sparkling? His eyes are actually sparkling this early in the morning! How does he do that? He’s not human. “Really? You want to sing with me?” The hope and cheerfulness in Minhyun’s tone melted away whatever anxiety he had towards talking to his hyung. If he managed to make Minhyun this happy by agreeing to sing with him then what the hell was he so worried about?
He was suddenly reminded when Minhyun scooped him up in his arms and spun him around, the sound of his laughter echoing throughout the dorm, possibly waking up the rest of the members. His heart beat was going faster, his breathing suddenly stopped, and his arms were stiff as a board as long as Minhyun was hugging him. “This is going to be great! The producers are finally letting me compose a song for this album and I really wanted you to help me with it. Ah, we’re going to have a lot of fun, Jinyoungie!”
In that moment, Bae Jinyoung realised that he is totally and utterly fucked.
Preparing for their final comeback took longer than the other comebacks they’ve done in the past. Those comebacks were rushed, all of them eager to give more and more content to the fans. This one was much more slowly paced. Each member was given a chance to write a solo song, with the help of their company’s experts and many volunteers in the music industry, and create unit songs.
They’re all given two months to create and record their songs, which will be documented through Wanna One Go. Jinyoung is only thankful that a lot of the composing sessions with Minhyun aren’t filmed a lot in favor of the Ongniel duet or the rap line cypher featuring many rap artists working on producing the track. A ballad duet between Minhyun and Jinyoung, though frustrating, just seemed tame and boring to the camera’s eyes.
Jinyoung is actually both thankful and regretful. Regretful that he didn’t show a more energetic and funny side like the rest of his members for them to take interest in him. Regretful that Minhyun is stuck with probably the least interesting member in a small recording room for almost 8 hours a day, with said member not really contributing a lot in terms of composition except for the occasional rhyming word.
Really. It makes Jinyoung wonder what Minhyun sees in him.
“Yah, your thoughts are so loud it’s bouncing off the walls.” Jinyoung jumped from his seat, his cheeks burning with embarrassment. “What’s on your mind, Jinyoungie? Is something bothering you? You know you can always tell hyung, right? Besides,” Minhyun looked to the door that hasn’t heard a knock in three hours. “No one is going to come by and film anything.”
“‘M sorry about that.”
Minhyun tilted his head in confusion with fingers slowly combing through his hair, causing the hood of his jacket to fall from his head. Jinyoung never spent time with Minhyun in this room back in produce. For their final season of Wanna One Go, they went back to the old building to compose their songs. Something about the familiar atmosphere bringing up bouts of nostalgia good for songwriting. Jinyoung and Minhyun only ever interacted in the large dance rooms, never in these tiny grey padded prison cells.
The dim lighting of the room only served to make Minhyun’s white jacket look like it’s glowing. It’s not fair. How could Minhyun look like an angel when Jinyoung’s mind is clearly going through hell?
“Did I do something to make you upset?” Minhyun said after a few seconds of silence. Jinyoung looked up from his lap at those words. “Please tell me if I did, Jinyoungie. I don’t want to leave this group in bad blood with anyone.”
Leave this group.
“Jinyoungie? Say something, please.”
Here it is again. He doesn’t know what to say. Minhyun looks like he’s legitimately about to cry because Jinyoung doesn’t know how to talk to him.
After an entire minute of Jinyoung creating and destroying sentences in his head, Minhyun sighed in defeat. “It’s okay. You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to.”
No, I do want to say something.
“You know you don’t have to be nervous around me, right? Hyung is going to be right here when you need him, okay? Just like in zero base. I will always welcome you to my bed for some cuddling, yeah?”
Don’t say stuff like that. I’ll miss them too much.
“Anyway,” Minhyun turned back to the keyboard with what Jinyoung assumes is a cheery little laugh. Great job, Jinyoung. Now you made him feel bad. You’re an asshole. “I think I’m on to something with the chorus. Mind if you give it a listen?” Jinyoung felt guilty enough to nod. Minhyun caught the action in the corner of his eye and gave a wry smile, eyes still staring at the keyboard, Jinyoung’s heart still precariously balanced in his unknowing hands.
When the darkness gets too near
When the cold wakes up your fears
I’m here for you
Arms wide for you
Don’t let me go
Because I surely won’t
Take my hand and let me show you the way
Minhyun stops right there, in the middle of a melody that Jinyoung could get lost in for days. His hyung’s hands hover uncertain over the piano keys, flexing slightly and almost defeated. “That’s what I got so far. Just can’t figure out the last lyric.” He plays the notes he wishes to sound right after that last line and hums the melody over and over again but not quite getting a lyric out of it.
Jinyoung watches Minhyun play the melody for a few more minutes. It’s one of those moments that Jinyoung treasures while the cameras aren’t rolling. Minhyun’s tongue would dart out when he’s concentrating on something, almost like a small puppy. He would also tap his foot to the beat, already dreaming up the percussion that would accompany his song. He also scratches his nose a lot when he’s frustrated. He rubs the hairs at the back of his head too.
In that moment, Jinyoung blurts out something he knows he’ll regret.
“I want you to stay.”
Fingers stop playing then, and Minhyun’s fox-like gaze turns to the curled up Jinyoung by the wall of the tiny room. The thing about Minhyun’s stare is that it’s always completely blank but is filled with unsaid emotions. His eyes are more expressive than what most people think and Jinyoung isn’t sure if he should allow himself to drown in Minhyun’s cacophony of emotions or keep his feet away from the water.
Jinyoung, despite all the protests in his mind and body, chose to drown.
Despite his major fuck up, Minhyun included it in the song.
He could be delusional or just plain insane but either way, Jinyoung is glad Minhyun isn’t making a big deal out of it. He doesn’t know what he’ll do if Minhyun took it literally. It fit well with the song, thank all the gods in the sky messing with him, and Minhyun got the rest of the song finished in about a week. He constantly asked Jinyoung for input, of course, and for once he felt like he actually did something with the creation of the song.
“Jinyoung-ah! Minhyun hyung is calling you,” Jihoon yelled into Jinyoung’s room all while keeping his eyes on the game in his phone. To say he was a little nervous while taking those few steps to Minhyun’s room was an understatement. His stomach was doing fucking somersaults; he should audition his internal organs into the circus. Maybe his small intestine could be a trapeze artist or his kidney could be a fucking clown.
When he entered the room Minhyun shared with four of their other members, he spotted him immediately, all curled up in an expertly wrapped blanket burrito with a poetry book in his hands. Jinyoung wasn’t sure how someone could look so cute and so serene at the same time. Minhyun really wasn’t playing fair. With what, Jinyoung didn’t know. It was just… really unfair.
“H-Hyung? Jihoon said you were looking for me?” Minhyun looked up from his book and flashed Jinyoung a smile. It was the kind of smile that made his hyung’s cheeks look like freshly steamed little siopao buns, which in turn made Minhyun’s entire face look like one adorable siopao bun. Jinyoung used all his willpower to not pout because, once again, just like everything that Minhyun did, he was so unfair.
“Yes! Come here, Jinyoungie, I wanna give you something.” Minhyun unceremoniously rolled to the floor with his giant blanket burrito wrap still secure around his lithe frame. Jinyoung wondered why the hell he has a crush on this butt wiggling, Optimus Prime obsessed, poetry nerd. The same nerd was now currently digging through his luggage like some overgrown squirrel. It made Jinyoung forget about the ethereal Hwang Emperor for a split second.
Only for a split second.
Once Minhyun stood back up, the blanket around him fell to the floor and made the perfect little pool around his feet. Underneath the blanket, Minhyun wore a striped shirt that hugged his torso and shoulders in all the right places and Jinyoung shouldn’t be staring.
“Found it! I saw it in a shop during one of our rare breaks and I knew I had to buy it for you.” It was then that Minhyun presented to him a necklace with a sparkling chain, the letter J hanging in the middle with a golden sunflower right next to it. “A lot of people have called you dark and mysterious but not to me,” Minhyun stepped forward and unhooked the necklace with a shy smile.
“ My Jinyoungie is the light of my days. Thank you… you know… For being my sunshine.” And he flashed another smile, a bigger and more confident one, a smile that could rival even the sun’s brightest days.
It was cheesy and downright cavity inducing but it didn’t stop Jinyoung’s heart from pinching into the next dimension. He saw the sincerity in Minhyun’s crescent moon eyes, the warmth of his waiting palm that contained the necklace, a necklace Minhyun bought for him while thinking of him , and the most gorgeous of smiles that outshines the stage lights they dance with. What could Jinyoung possibly do to solidify this perfect moment?
He could have done anything, professed his undying love, dropped to the floor to give him a full bow, cry to high heavens even. But he stood still, his eyes boring holes into the palms that presented him the necklace that Minhyun deemed perfect for him. He was scared to say anything. If he did, what would he even say to someone as eloquent and thoughtful as Hwang Minhyun?
“Huh?”
Jinyoung was scared to look up but he bit down the fear and forced himself to look at Minhyun’s face for a response. He was surprised, and relieved, to see that the crescent moons didn’t wane, and those round cheeks were dusted with a shade of rosy pink. It was here, in this moment, that Bae Jinyoung saw Hwang MInhyun as both an ethereal, almost untouchable god and the human being he hopelessly fell in love with.
Could it be that he feels that way too? Maybe not as a god but does he see Jinyoung as someone he could learn to love too? Or could it be that he has already fallen in love and was waiting for Jinyoung’s dumb ass to figure it out too? In any situation, Jinyoung isn’t so sure how to respond. He’s always tongue-tied when it comes to Minhyun, this man of softly spoken poetry and easily written love songs.
“Were my words too pretty again? Ah, it’s hard to express something I never had the chance to do in the past. Jisung says I have no game…” He rubs the sides of his neck timidly, a habit Jinyoung has grown mighty fond over. The necklace dangles from the crevices in between Minhyun’s fingers and it glows even in the dim lighting. The cameras aren’t on. What he’s seeing is an honest and flustered Minhyun.
An honest and flustered Minhyun who just bought him a gift.
“I-I just…” It’s difficult again. Just say what you need to say. Fuck it if it even makes sense. “This gift… wah… I’m a little shocked that you’d get it for me…”
“I’m a little shocked myself but…” Minhyun watched Jinyoung bite his lip in deep thought and just gave him a warm smile. “You want to try it on? I hope the chain is long enough to fit around your neck.” Without waiting for an agreement from his dongsaeng, Minhyun walked around Jinyoung and carefully put the necklace on him. Jinyoung stayed still but he couldn’t stop his hands from caressing the pendants that hang just above his sternum, the symbols that made Minhyun think of him.
And maybe, Jinyoung thinks, he doesn’t really need to say anything else. Minhyun’s fond smile while seeing him wear the necklace was good enough for him. He didn’t need the exact words from Minhyun. He didn’t even need a proper explanation. What matters most to Jinyoung is the underlying fact that Minhyun cares for him in more ways than one. He doesn’t need Minhyun to say it out loud, Jinyoung already knew.
He was just waiting for Jinyoung to figure it out.
In the place of words, Jinyoung turns and wraps his arms around Minhyun’s waist, rubbing his nose into the material of his hyung’s favorite striped shirt. He wants to remember this feeling of being held by Minhyun, remember his scent, remember the way his heart would beat against his chest in which Jinyoung was lucky enough to be the audience to. He wants Minhyun to remember how much Jinyoung feels for him, even if he never explicitly told him.
Minhyun holds him against his chest tighter than their previous hugs, almost as if he too is afraid of letting Jinyoung go. It isn’t far fetched, at least Jinyoung knows that now. His fears and worries over Minhyun pushing him away melted away into the embrace the two shared in their own little space in the world. The cameras aren’t rolling. There aren’t any microphones to capture their synchronized breathing. It’s just them. Just the two of them cherishing the last few moments they can spend together, the future nothing but a blip of what if’s and until then’s.
And that, Jinyoung believes, is what love is supposed to feel like.
August 2019
It isn’t often that he gets free time during this time of the year but Minhyun is more than happy to lounge around at home a few days before his birthday instead of preparing for a comeback. Luckily, NU’EST’s first comeback as a 5-member group again was finished early July. Unlike most companies, NU’EST likes to keep their comebacks spaced naturally throughout the year so as not to be overworked but also frequent enough to still be remembered.
Minhyun has missed this dorm, though it was a lot less clean the first time he came back, but there will always be a part of him that misses the dorm he shared with a different set of loud and rowdy boys. There were some similarities between his two homes, one of which being the smoke alarm being set off at least every other weekend because somebody decided they can try to cook breakfast.
Yet Minhyun still finds himself reminiscing. This time last year, he was debuting again as Wanna One. This time last year, he was consistently homesick. This time last year, he struck a special friendship with Bae Jinyoung.
The thought alone made him smile. Out of all the other boys in the group, whom he loves dearly, Jinyoung has been his quiet support beam. Minhyun, being a naturally affectionate person, was more than thrilled to find out Jinyoung’s penchant for cuddling. They usually do it whenever cameras aren’t around or when they forget they’re being filmed. To Minhyun, holding someone as precious to him as Jinyoung doesn’t need a camera or two proving to him how much he loved his dongsaeng.
He saw it in the way Jinyoung’s breathing would slow down into a calm rhythm every time Minhyun would stroke his hair. He saw it whenever Jinyoung would climb into his bunk bed claiming nightmares wouldn’t let him sleep. He saw it whenever they performed their first and last duet together, beyond the stage lights, beyond the crooning melodies that escape Jinyoung’s lips. He saw it in every little smile that Jinyoung sent his way, most were in the quiet of the balcony of the dorm, accompanied by a blanket of a thousand constellations.
It was bittersweet really, to drop Jinyoung off to his own company’s dorms before going back to Pledis. Minhyun knew their inevitable was going to happen yet of course it didn’t stop him from letting his emotions run free the moment he left Jinyoung on the doorstep of his dorm. He didn’t want to look back or else his dongsaeng would have seen how much it hurt him to let go.
“You’ll call me, right hyung?”
“Yeah. Of course I’ll call you.”
“I don’t really have any roommates yet. I don’t know what the company has in store for me but I’m excited. You think my debut will be at the same time as NU’EST’s comeback?”
“Maybe. Who knows?”
Jinyoung stared at him, eyes sparkling and so full of youthful curiosity that Minhyun could have gone blind from looking at him too long. This boy really has come out of his shell, punched his way out of it would be a better term. Their final comeback really made every member shine but Jinyoung, to Minhyun, shined the brightest. He commanded the stage unlike anything he’s ever seen before.
It was like watching a supernova outshine a galaxy. Minhyun couldn’t take his eyes away from the spectacle.
“Hyung?”
Minhyun looked at Jinyoung and he tried so hard not to get lost in the way his eyes sparkled while staring at him or the way his lips would curl up into the smile he knows Jinyoung doesn’t show anyone else. He almost laughed at himself and his thoughts. Jinyoung thought he was more enamored with Minhyun than vice-versa. Jinyoung doesn’t even know how many poems, secret love songs, and novels Minhyun has written in his head because of Jinyoung’s smile alone.
“We’ll eat lunch together one day, right? I still owe you food from last time.”
“Jinyoungie, that was a date. I wanted to buy the food for you.”
“Well, a relationship is a two-way thing. Can’t I buy you food, too?”
Damn his innocent logic. Yet, despite his increasingly somber mood, he smiled at that. “I guess you’re right.” Jinyoung rewarded him with a light giggle that made Minhyun’s heart skip several beats. Jinyoung looked around him before stepping closer to his hyung with a practiced ease. It wasn’t like Jinyoung to take such bold steps but then again… there aren’t any cameras around.
His beloved placed the tiniest of pecks on his slightly parted lips and the action left Minhyun a bit dizzy. He blinked a few times before surging forward to place a longer yet still chaste kiss on Jinyoung’s waiting lips. He would have held him close too if the action didn’t make his heart ache more than it already was. Instead, when he pulled away, his fingers automatically reached towards the sunflower pendant on Jinyoung’s necklace.
Following the trail of his collarbones, Minhyun let his fingers tread into the hairs behind Jinyoung’s head, twisting and stroking the soft brown strands with a familiarity he isn’t willing to forget.
He thinks it’s physically impossible for him to forget Jinyoung. Not ever.
“Take care, Jinyoungie. Make sure you eat your vegetables and drink lots of water. Hyung will get mad if I see you’re not taking care of yourself.” He placed one last fleeting kiss on Jinyoung’s forehead before stepping away enough to look at Jinyoung fully. His eyes were fluttering open as if he was waking up from a dream. That smile was probably the most beautiful curl of lips that Minhyun has seen in his life.
“I’ll see you soon, Jinyoungie.”
He didn’t even notice that somebody was knocking from outside until it was starting to sound more panicked. Minhyun sighed. It was probably Aron hyung who forgot his keys to the dorm again. He grabbed one of Jonghyun’s sweaters lying on the couch and pulled it over his head before going to the door to lightly scold his hyung for being so forgetful.
“Hyung, this is the third time you--”
“Um… Hyung?”
Minhyun almost slipped while putting on his slippers at the sight that greeted him at the doorway. Bae Jinyoung stood there, his hair parted to show just the tiniest bit of his forehead, and if Minhyun was not mistaken, he was also wearing Minhyun’s striped shirt. The mask that he probably wore on the way here was pushed down below his chin to show his wide and sunny smile.
“It’s almost your birthday, right hyung? I was thinking I should treat you out this time.”
It wasn’t his birthday yet but Minhyun had ultimate reason to believe that this was one of the best birthdays he’s ever had.
“Minhyun? Who’s there at the doo--” The voice of Minki stopped mid-sentence when he saw Jinyoung standing at the door waving shyly towards him. “JINYOUNG!”
An ecstatic Minki rushes over and lifts Jinyoung up into a fierce hug that has the younger feeling breathless from laughter. Minhyun just laughed as Minki showered the poor dongsaeng with many kisses across the face in sheer excitement. He didn’t bother stopping Minki from dragging Jinyoung into the dorm to show him his room and when Jinyoung flashed him a questioning look, he just gave him a reassuring smile.
No words need to be said anyway. He’s always going to come back for Jinyoung and vice versa. Jinyoung will always go to him for comfort, for safety, for their own brand of love that not every camera has the privilege to film. Minhyun will always be there with open arms, an open heart, and an open page to write the rest of their story in. Jinyoung didn’t have to say anything else. Besides, it wasn’t that Jinyoung wasn’t good with words.
Jinyoung is able to tell him I love you without saying anything at all.
And that, to Minhyun, is how being in love feels like.