Chapter Text
Jaebum let out a huge yawn as he moved to get out of his bed on a quiet Friday morning, only to grab his keys from the nightstand, leaving the sheets unmade and warm from his long sleep, then he stuffed the bunch of keys into one of the pockets of his gray sweatpants a little bit grumpily. He didn’t even bother to change his comfortable pants down to a pair of jeans, which he would usually wear for going out, because he was about to get out of his car only for a few minutes, and his mind wasn’t clear enough from the constant exhaustion (which was the consequence of staying up all night to have his café’s administration done) to care about who would see him in such a messy state.
He grabbed an already worn, white tank top mindlessly, which he had thrown over the backrest of the couch only God knows when, as he made his way into the kitchen with lazy steps, but his tired expression immediately brightened up when heard a small meow, his head instantly turning to the small ball of fur which was resting on the top of the dining table, and the sight made the male roll his eyes fondly. The cat just blinked at her owner innocently, before she arched her back with grace, and Jaebum knew that very well that she was asking for her usual pampering.
‘Good morning, baby girl.’ He murmured in a low voice and reached out to lovingly rub the cat’s head, smiling at the quiet purr that he got as a reaction. ‘We’ve already talked about not sleeping on the table, haven’t we?’ He scolded with a small frown, but his fingers didn’t stop playing with Nora’s fur.
Nora only meowed in response, then she jumped off of the furniture, away from Jaebum’s touch, to go between her owner’s legs, rubbing herself against his shins almost apologetically and only the sight had the sleepy man smiling widely.
‘You little punk.’ He chuckled as he put the grabbed tank top on, his bed-hair ruffling up even more in the process. Then he tucked his phone and wallet into his other pocket, before squatting down to give his sweet girl some more satisfying pats. ‘I’m gonna come back with another little angel. I really hope you will like her.’ After he placed a small kiss on Nora’s head, he hurried out to his car, because he knew that the shelter was about to open soon and he wanted to hold the new kitty (his new kitty) as soon as possible, that he had chosen when he had been looking through websites of different animal shelters.
He decided to buy his morning coffee on his way to his little, furry friend.
He quickly brushed his black locks with his fingers (and shit, this was the moment when he noticed that he had forgotten to wear his precious silver rings), staring at his reflection in the rear-view mirror.
Even though there weren’t many people strolling around, he didn’t really want to look like a walking haystack, now that he took in his appearance in a little more awakened state.
He checked his pockets one more time by tapping his thighs, nearly absent-mindedly, to know that he had everything with himself, then he climbed out of his car, making sure to lock it properly, and as soon as he turned to walk into the building, he felt his stomach clench from excitement. His mind was flooded by the thoughts about that that in less than an hour he would be at home already, surrounded by his two adorable cats which only wanted his attention.
Jaebum was genuinely surprised that he found the building without getting lost (because his sense of direction was horrible and he was pretty lazy to turn on his GPS), then he got stunned when he stepped into the building of the animal shelter that certain smell of animals didn’t hit him at all.
He had visited many shelters before and the smell had been just unbearable.
The building wasn’t spacious, but the floor titles were so clean that they were literally shining under the lights of the large lamps, which were hanging low from the ceiling with light yellow glow, and when the male started to walk towards the reception, the strong scent of vanilla flooded his nostrils, making his eyebrows shoot up in astonishment.
‘Hello, can I help you?’ he heard a feminine voice coming from the direction of the reception and he blinked several times to focus on the smiling blond woman who was standing behind the counter. Jaebum felt his mouth go dry.
Cliché or not, but he saw the most beautiful girl ever.
Those smiling, almond-shaped eyes which were fringed with long lashes were gazing at him so heartwarmingly that he felt his breath hitch, and thanks to the fact that those dark brown orbs were glimmering so brightly under the strong lamplight he wasn’t able to look away from the girl’s curious glimpse. Above those eyes her flat, but neat eyebrows rested; she had pale, creamy and completely flawless skin; she owned a turned up, button nose and moist, full lips; her jawline surprisingly sharp and her cheeks hollow the slightest bit. Her long, wavy hair’s color reminded him of wheat, the sleek locks were tucked neatly behind her left ear. She also had cute bangs which were barely brushing against her eyebrows, making her face glow with youth.
She looked ethereal that Jaebum had to clear his throat and finally answer her question, so he wouldn’t embarrass himself right after stepping over the doorstep.
‘Good morning! I came here to adopt a kitten. Her name is Odd if I remember well.’ He scratched his nape a bit nervously while he felt his cheeks heat up when he realized: he didn’t say anything for at least 10 seconds because he was busy staring at attractive the receptionist (who was already giving him confused a confused look by the first 5 seconds, but oh well).
‘Ah, you came to adopt Odd?’ Her eyes sparkled with happiness which almost made the male sputter, so he just nodded instead of giving a verbal answer. ‘Okay okay, let me just get some things done. Then I’ll lead you to her and you can take her home.’ She flashed a bright smile at Jaebum, and her adorable accent made him crack a smile before she rolled closer to her laptop with the chair that she was seated on and she started typing on it without noticing the guy’s dazzled gaze. ‘Hand me your identity card, please.’
She had pearly white, straight teeth with sharp canines and from the curl of her lips her face was scrunched up in an adorable way that her eyes crinkled. Not to mention that her hair had to be impossibly silky, because when she bowed her head to look at the keyboard that she was typing on, the wheat-colored locks slid forward, covering her face.
Jaebum was simply speechless.
He quickly shook his head to make those thoughts go away and he let his eyes wander lower to take a look at her cute, white dress, but his eyes got stuck at her nametag. He read the name Mei Tuan and her job was underneath, the word vet written on it in small letters.
She is a foreigner. His heart fluttered. But wow, she looks so young-
He was shaken out of his thoughts once again when the girl stood up from her seat, tucking her hair back behind her ear as she looked up at the Korean man with a sheepish smile. It was the moment when Jaebum noticed the fact that (sadly) he wasn’t much taller than Mei, but then again: he wasn’t really one of the tallest guys in Gwangjin-gu either.
He tried to flash a charming smile at the girl and the action had her beautiful eyes become rounder in awe and she took the man’s hand a bit shakily when he stuck it out for a polite handshake.
He didn’t really want to let go of her hand.
‘It’s nice to meet you, Mei. My name is Im Jaebum.’
‘...Why are you so pretty?
When I look at you,
when you’re smiling with your eyes
it feels like I’ll faint.
Why am I so nervous?
I can’t hold in the ringing of my heart,
the closer you come to me, the bigger it grows...’
As soon as Odd was resting in his new owner’s arms, Jaebum was dashing out of the building to get home finally, but now he was rushing for a completely different reason.
He had a date with Mei in one and a half hours. And only the thought of it made him smile so widely that he didn’t even recognize himself when he got into his car and looked into the rear-view mirror once again.
It’s not like there weren’t any girls running after him. He just never found any of those women interesting enough to ask them out for a date. Of course, there had been many attractive faces, but most of the time those pretty, young girls had had naive or easy personalities. But Jaebum liked cute, cheerful girls and damn, Mei was undoubtedly one of them. She was easy-going, funny, her smiles were bright and she didn’t get offended by his teasing comments, even though she was older than Jaebum. Her high-pitched laughs and giggles were absolutely the cutest, the sounds made the male grin proudly, because wow, he was the one who made her laugh like that.
He had asked some questions from her about the shelter, about how much she liked her job and when she had started working as a vet. She had told him about how many workers were there, about the various rooms and places of the shelter and she also had said that they had almost 350 pets in there. However, her smile had become shy and her cheeks had turned to the softest shade of pink when she had started talking about her job. She had seemed to be really excited while she had been ranting about it that Jaebum felt happy that he had asked her about it.
Now he knew that she started working as a vet only a year ago and she was incredibly nervous for months, after all her job is about saving lives: it’s stressing as hell.
So, after talking and teasing each other for a whole hour, he had gained the courage to ask her out for a coffee or a hot chocolate or for whatever she likes when her shift finally ends. She had agreed easily and had given the male one of her breath-taking smiles.
He bought some cat food from the corner shop, feeding Odd and Nora at home and changing his wrinkled clothes into tight, black jeans and a simple black t-shirt which were hugging his firm body, showing off the result of all those high school years when he played soccer for hours with his friends, he made sure that he had enough money with himself.
(Mei hadn’t complained about his appearance, but he still wanted to look presentable and wanted the girl to see that he did have a decent taste when it came to clothes. He never wore too eye-catching clothes, because he already got more than enough attention in simple ones.)
When it was time for him to get going, he made sure that nothing fragile was on the table or on the countertop, because he didn’t know how Odd would behave when he wasn’t around. He closed to door, jogged down to his car and he was trying so hard to hold back his satisfied smile while he was driving back to the shelter already.
Since he planned that he would take Mei to his own café, he didn’t have to search for nice and cozy places at all, because, well, he would be able to introduce her as his date to his annoying workers and friends as well. Plus, free coffee and no arguing about who pays for it. Two flies killed with one hit.
When he got there Mei was already standing outside, smiling down at her phone as he chewed on her lower lip, and Jaebum noticed that she had a cute, light pink sweater on the top of her spaghetti-strap dress which she wasn’t wearing back in the building. But the male couldn’t blame her; the wind was a bit chilly outside.
He rolled the window down as he stopped in the shelter’s car park and leaned out with a grin, staring at the oblivious girl in amusement.
‘Hey lovely, do you need a ride?’
Mei’s head whipped up at the familiar voice only to be face to face with Jaebum and when she came closer he saw that her cheeks were decorated with a light blush, making the man wonder if it appeared on her skin out of embarrassment, shyness or from the harsh blowing of the wind.
‘Hello, handsome, I wouldn’t mind a ride.’ She grinned when she stopped in front of Jaebum, bending down a bit to be on the same level as him. ‘Depends on where you want to take me.’ She winked playfully, making the younger laugh, and he tried hard to not to concentrate on how the sweater slid a bit lower on her body, exposing the pale skin of her delicate shoulders.
‘Hop in, Mei, it’s chilly outside. A gentleman can’t let you freeze to death.’
The girl just playfully rolled her eyes at his words, then she ran to the other side of the car, fastening the seatbelt as soon as she got into the car.
‘So, where are we going, gentleman?’ Jaebum just smirked at that, backing the car up on the road when she was comfortably seated next to him.
‘To my café, miss.’ He let out an entertained chuckle when he glanced at Mei and saw her beautiful eyes become round and stare at him in utter awe. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘Are you seriously taking me there?’ She stuttered shyly, playing with the hem of her sweater to keep her eyes away from the pleasant sight of Jaebum’s side profile.
Her words made the man’s eyebrows furrow in confusion. ‘Yes, why? Do you want to go somewhere else?’ He asked softly, not wanting to scare her away, and he looked at Mei with smiling eyes when they stopped at a red light. ‘I don’t mind if you would feel uncomfor-’
‘No, it’s not that!’ She shook her furiously as she lifted her gaze to lock eyes with the younger, but her uncertain expression told him the opposite. ‘I was just... surprised. I thought we would go to another café.’
‘My friends who work for me are nice, even if they are annoying sometimes.’ He gave her a soothing smile, patting the back of her hand gently which rested on her lap, before grabbing the steering wheel again, a little tighter than before. ‘You have nothing to worry about.’
‘...I see you reflected in today’s sunlight,
you are crazily radiant.
You plant the sun in my heart;
Let’s you and I be together today...’
It was their 5th date already, exactly two weeks later, and now Jaebum had to think about places where he could take Mei to. On the previous dates they had gone to restaurants, to his café (where the girl actually befriended Jaebum’s friends, and Jackson, one of the waiters, just couldn’t miss the chance to share embarrassing stories about their squad’s members, including some pretty shameful memories of Jaebum himself) and three days ago, on their last date, they walked through different shopping malls, because Mei wanted to buy some clothes for the upcoming summer. Also, this was the first time seeing her in shorts and wow, he wasn’t disappointed at all.
Those dates were good to get to know each other better, and they did, but there were no kissing or cuddling yet, only intimate hugs and pecks on the cheeks which made the both of them blush like teenagers in love. So Jaebum wanted to take her to a special place and finally kiss her because looking at those cute, pink lips every time without being able to kiss them was an actual torture for him. She used cherry flavored lip balm all the time, and God, he did love cherry, but he would have liked to taste something else on her lips.
He was so screwed.
He chose to bring her to the bank of Han River. Since the weather was getting warmer and warmer, he thought it would be great to stay outside even at night only dressed lightly, so he didn’t even ask Mei to bring a sweater or thicker clothes with herself, but he threw two thin blankets onto the backseat just to make sure.
He went to pick the girl up without calling her or telling her that he planned another date for themselves and when she got into the car without a word, her confused expression made Jaebum smile widely as he handed her a paper cup, filled with Iced Americano.
‘What are you doing here? I thought you had work today.’ She said as her face softened into a small smile, giving the younger a thankful glance while she took a sip of her cold coffee quietly.
‘And I thought you would be happy to see me.’ He faked a pained expression, clutching his chest playfully. Mei just snorted in amusement, raising an eyebrow at his dramatic actions.
‘And I also think you should never get a job as an actor.’ She giggled teasingly and pulled her legs up after kicking off her shoes and she poked Jaebum’s thigh with her toes, but the fabric of her black skirt riding up on her skinny thighs got all of his attention.
He cleared his throat as he quickly looked away, patting Mei’s calf gently as he drank from his own Dark Milk tea carefully, trying not to choke on it because of the glimpse he caught of her exposed legs.
‘Well, Ms. Meanie, I planned on taking you to a really special date, but if you want me to leave-’
‘Special date?’ She interrupted his words with her own prying voice, smiling brightly, mostly to herself. ‘What kind of special date, Jaebummie?’
He just huffed at the nickname and playfully shoved her legs away, which made Mei giggle once again, then he turned to look at her with a raised eyebrow. ‘Aren’t you curious about that? You will see.’ He winked lightly at the girl, not even waiting for reaction as he placed his half-empty cup into the cup holder, before reaching for the gear shift. ‘You will love it, I promise.’
The way to the river was quite comfortable with the two of them talking about how their days were, what they did that day and how their friends were doing, their conversation spiced up with some teasing remarks. But the air around them wasn’t friendly, there was always something more. It always made them aware of the fact that the both of them wanted more from the other than just a simple friendship and it never failed to have them flirt with each other and to stare at the other with so much longing. They just didn’t want to rush things.
They had all the time in the world, but not as much patience.
He stopped the car in the car park which was facing the river and he turned to look at Mei with a smile, who was playing with the top of his cup in an embarrassed manner, but she lifted her head when the car was parked and lifted her gaze to look back at Jaebum curiously.
‘We are here.’ He nodded his head towards the bank of the river. ‘I brought food, wine and blankets, so you should appreciate attempts at being romantic.’
‘You are amazing, Jaebum.’ She said softly, gazing at him with adoration as she reached out to grab his hand gently, her slim fingers brushing against his palm. He could only blink in surprise. ‘Thank you for doing so much for me.’
‘It’s nothing.’ He squeezed her hand reassuringly, before lifting it up to brush his smiling lips against the soft skin on her knuckles, placing tiny kisses on them. ‘It’s nothing compared to how amazing you are.’
‘Agh, so cheesy!’ She let out a delighted laugh, leaning over to give Jaebum’s cheek a wet kiss before she quickly pulled back and jumped out of the car. The younger couldn’t hold back the grin that tugged at his lips.
Mei was simply perfect.
Soon they were sitting on the blanket, which was sprawled on the ground messily, laughing between the small bites of food, which they took from the Chinese takeout that Jaebum brought for them, and Mei was finally leaning against the male’s side, having a toned arm wrapped around her slim waist protectively.
‘I hope you don’t mind drinking from a bottle, because... I forgot to bring cups.’ Jaebum smiled down at her sheepishly as he pulled his arm away, only to grab the wine and his keys from his pocket.
‘I don’t mind drinking from the bottle, but Jesus, what are you doing?’ She laughed when she saw how the black haired male struggled with opening the wine by trying to press the cork down with his thumb.
‘Shush, I got this.’ He huffed playfully as he grabbed his keys and replaced his thumb with them, but he shouted in surprise when the cork finally disappeared into the bottle, making some of the wine splash on his thighs and hands. ‘Okay, fuck, it didn’t happen the way I planned.’ He winced. However, when he looked up and saw Mei laughing so hard that her eyes were already clouded by tears, he couldn’t help but join in. Her good mood was always contagious. ‘Hey, it’s not funny!’ He snorted and gave her shoulder a playful nudge, holding his hands out which were covered by drops of red wine. ‘At least give me a tissue!’
‘You are so clumsy.’ She chuckled happily, grabbing his wrists gently as she stared at his sticky hands. ‘Don’t move, I’m sure you would wipe it into your clothes by accident.’ She scolded him almost like a mother scolding her child, but her next move made his eyes widen in shock.
She lifted one of his hands to her lips carefully, wrapping them around Jaebum’s thumb to lick off the fruity liquid and the moment her hot tongue touched his skin, he had to bite his lower lip to hold himself back from actually pouncing on her. She looked so innocent, but fuck, the way she sucked the wine off of the digit was exactly the opposite of innocent.
When she pulled back and glanced up at Jaebum, she huffed quietly in embarrassment, her cheeks turning pink from his intense stare.
‘I’m sorry, but I don’t have a tissue with myself.’ She licked her lips shyly and it took her some seconds to realize that how close they were to each other as the male’s hot breath hit her lips lightly when they both leaned in at the same time.
Her words made Jaebum chuckle. ‘But we have some in the car, lovely.’ He whispered huskily as he wiped his hands into the blanket carelessly, before touching Mei’s chin with the tip of his fingers and gently pressed his nose against her own.
‘Yeah?’ She hummed in a hushed voice, wrapping her fingers around his wrist just to return the light touch and her eyes fluttered closed because of the intimate moment. And Jaebum knew that she was ready for something more than just simple handholding and longing hugs.
‘Yeah.’ He breathed out an amused laugh, tilting his head to invite her moist lips into an open-mouthed kiss and he felt himself shiver from the sensation of the soft pillows pressing against his own ones. She tasted like wine, mixed with the Chinese fried noodles, and he couldn’t hold in his delighted sigh when he heard her muffled whimper, her hold tightening around his wrist as his hand slid onto her warm cheek, cupping it gently to pull her even more into the kiss. Their tongues found each other in mere seconds and Jaebum’s easily dominated her into submission, keeping the pace slow, but enjoyable to be able to explore her hot cavern thoroughly and to prevent the dance of their tongues from getting too eager.
They pulled back from each other with delighted giggles because Jaebum almost fell into Mei’s lap when he leaned forward a bit too much, and they stayed there, on the riverside, until 11 pm, stealing kisses and cuddling close to feel each other’s pleasant warmth.
‘...You’re not flashy,
but you softly glow
like the moon in the night sky,
like the flowers in the field....’
Maybe Jaebum was getting old or he just wasn’t used to the blinding club lights anymore.
As soon as he and Mei stepped into a crowded club, called Heaven, he had to squint his eyes because the white and lavender colored rays hit them right in the face, but Mei didn’t even look bothered by them as the male noticed, his half-closed eyes not leaving her face, which was glowing under the lights thanks to the silverish highlighter that she was wearing. She had light makeup on and she was as bright as ever, attracting some men’s hungry eyes which made the younger wrap a strong arm around her waist, pulling her lithe body closer to his own firm one while he stared at drunkards angrily.
However, his glaring was cut off by Mei’s sweet breath on his cheek, her soothing voice clear and loud in his right ear. ‘What do you want to drink, Jaebummie?’
He couldn’t keep the grin off of his face as he leaned in to kiss her forehead, squeezing her affectionately against himself while tugging her thin form to the counter through the massive group of people.
‘Anything is fine with me. Order something for the both of us, I will pay.’ He mumbled against the shell of her ear and a smirk tugged at his lips when he felt her shiver lightly. ‘Don’t worry about the price either.’
It was their second monthsary on that day. More like the second monthsary of the day when they got to know each other. They had kissed a lot and they had gone on many dates since then, but they hadn’t actually talked about dating yet and it was already poking at Jaebum’s side a little bit. That’s why he planned on taking Mei to his flat now, after being done with clubbing, and ask her out in a peaceful place and moment. He imagined it in his living room, cuddling on the couch while having a movie as a background noise which is kind of cliché and cheesy, but he couldn’t picture it in another way, and he could only hope that Mei wouldn’t reject his offer to come over.
It was the first time that Jaebum ever thought about a serious relationship because Mei was someone who made him happy just by being herself and he saw no flaw in her. The saying that love makes you blind might have been true in his case, but he was so sure about that that he would love all of the girl’s flaws as well when they appear sometime along their relationship. But he wasn’t so sure about Mei having any flaws.
What he hadn’t expected was ending up in the short corridor of the club, which led to the hidden washrooms, with the tipsy girl hanging on his neck, her sweet lips catching him in a deep and sloppy kiss, and he really couldn’t help the satisfied hum that he made in the back of his throat as her pleasing scent surrounded him along with her warm, cherry-flavored lips. He didn’t hesitate to brush the tip of his tongue against the seam of her lips, pressing her back against the wall a bit carelessly as she placed her palms flat on his chest and let his tongue slide into her mouth with a delighted and shameless moan.
Jaebum didn’t know for how long they made out there, in the same position, but when his length twitched with interest he didn’t hesitate to reach down. He immediately gripped her slender thighs to lift her up from the ground and to press her completely against the wall, but he dropped her almost instantly in shock.
Jaebum wasn’t drunk, he could say that. Even though they had had some vodka shots together and had drunk a disgustingly sweet, greenish cocktail, he was far from being so drunk to start imagining things. He was only slightly light-headed and pleasantly dizzy from all the alcohol.
So he certainly wasn’t imagining the hard-on pressing against his right hip when he had the elder’s legs wrapped around his waist.
Mei fell straight onto the floor, a wounded cry ripping out of her lungs as she quickly cradled one of her hands against her chest and her eyes welled up with tears in seconds, her face scrunched up in obvious pain and discomfort. But Jaebum was way too stunned to move at all.
‘Jaebum, what the fuck!’ She whimpered loudly and helplessly as she bowed her head, biting her lower lip sharply to hold back the noises that wanted to escape her mouth from the throbbing pain in her wrist.
‘I should ask you that!’ He exclaimed loudly, almost shouting, as he stared down at the injured girl with his shocked expression, feeling his hands shake in anger and disgust. ‘You have a fucking dick and you are the one asking me ‘what the fuck’!?’
He felt his throat go dry from only from the thought of her Mei being a guy, but he didn’t think twice when he stepped back, wiping his lips harshly with the sleeve of his shirt, and now his head was buzzing from something, but certainly not from the alcohol in his system.
He just couldn’t decide what this feeling was, it was foreign to him. It just hurt, and it only made him even more puzzled.
Was it sadness because he was being lied to all along? Was it anger? Or... betrayal? Disgust? Confusion?
The other looked up at him with just as much shock and confusion, her teary eyes staring right into his, and in the next moment she looked so heartbroken that Jaebum felt his stomach tighten obnoxiously which made his fists clench in reflex, but he didn’t expect the sudden flinch that he got as a reaction to his actions. Mei’s trembling form was curled up on the dirty ground like she was defending herself, her hurt wrist still pressed against her chest protectively as her tears made their ways down on her flushed cheeks, trying to stifle her sniffles with weak attempts.
‘I thought it was obvious what I was.’ She breathed out shakily, her glossy eyes never leaving the sight of Jaebum’s clenched fists and her lips hardly trembled when she opened them again, pulling her knees up to her chest to curl up even more. ‘I’m bigender, Jaebum.’
There was silence for almost 20 seconds before Jaebum laughed humorlessly, turning his head away from the pitiful sight of the other as he ran his fingers through his hair, which was damp from all the sweating, and looked back at Mei with narrowed eyes when pure anger and a feeling that was most likely disgust rose in his body in mere seconds.
‘Oh, so you are saying that you are a girl and a boy at the same time?’
‘No, I like to be both, but not at the same time.’ She said quietly, her voice almost inaudible. ‘My real name is Mark, but I like to be Mei for a short time, then I’m Mark for a short time, so it’s like-’
‘And you forgot to mention this little thing to me?’ He actually growled in rage, his eyes flashing with something dangerous that made the elder want to crawl away from him in fear.
‘I thought it was obvious!’ She blurted out desperately, holding back another sob by hanging her head once again and squeezing her eyes together. ‘I thought you have known it since the very first day!’
She hissed bitterly to herself as she felt her heart soar uncomfortably, some salty drops landing on the skin of her forearms. Of course, he wouldn’t accept her either.
She let herself trust again without thinking twice.
‘Obvious, my ass!’ He suddenly shouted, almost cutting her words off with his striking voice, and she didn’t even have to look up to know that he was shaking badly from anger, because his heavy panting already betrayed him. ‘You have to fucking grow up because this is not fucking Disneyland. Get yourself together.’ He spit it out with so much hatred that Mei could actually feel his words stabbing hundreds of needles into her bleeding heart. ‘Or go to a psychotherapist, because this is not fucking normal. You are sick.’
And he didn’t even look back as he rushed out of the building, not being aware of what he left behind.
‘... Why does my wounded heart
keep searching for you?
Now that you leave me and whatever you do,
I hope that you think of me;
That your days without me
are as sad as mine...’
‘Oh no, hell no!’ Jaebum roared when he heard his cat meowing weakly somewhere in the house, but he still couldn’t find her anywhere, even after checking all the rooms in his flat. ‘Odd, baby, come out! I want to help you.’ His voice softened as he realized that Odd was sitting behind the fridge and only the tip of her tail gave her and her hiding place away. He sat down on the floor without hesitation, a quiet sigh escaping his lips, and he kept his worried gaze on her while he patted his thighs lightly. ‘C’mon, I can’t help you if you are hiding from me.’
He knew that Odd was getting sick because she barely ate or drank and she seemed to be really sluggish that day, so he thought she got fever which made his stomach clench in concern, but when the cat ran into his lap with wobbly steps, he urgently picked her up and tucked her into his arms comfortably.
‘Afraid of the vet, huh? Me too.’ He mumbled before letting out a heavy breath, but his chest didn’t feel any lighter from it.
He tried to find another vet on the Internet who wasn’t Mei, but unfortunately, everyone had to pay for vets and his only free choice was bringing her to the shelter where she had been adopted from, so she could get any treatments without having to pay. Jaebum was willing to pay at first, but when he saw that how much money vets are paid only for a regular checkup, he knew that he wouldn’t be able to afford it if Odd really needed a treatment with medication and all. Hell, he was an owner of a café, but he had to pay his rent (which wasn’t exactly an average price), feed his cats and provide good salaries with free lunches for his 8 employees. He wasn’t poor, but wasting so much money on one thing would have been really stupid from him. He had better things to save up for. Also, Mei was the only vet around who had the papers about important information of Odd’s health.
He stood up from the floor abruptly, grabbed the papers about Odd’s adoption and his car keys, then he rushed down to his car because he didn’t want to waste time on other things anymore.
I’m an adult, I can do this.
Two weeks already passed since the day they had parted ways and Jaebum kept himself busy with work to forget about the incident. He admitted that he had been kind of harsh and rude (he blamed it on the alcohol), and he could have told Mei his opinion in a nicer way, but he told her what he really thought about this whole situation, so he didn’t regret it at all.
He just tried really hard not to think about her. But he couldn’t say that he was successful with it.
He almost ran into the building of the shelter after wrapping a thin blanket around Odd’s small body, which was shivering in his arms, and he pushed the door open with his hip hastily. He expected to see Mei lingering around the reception or sitting in the same chair as always, but before he could even try to gulp down the lump in his throat that was in there because of his nervousness he noticed that no one was sitting behind the counter. He didn’t know if he should be relieved because she wasn’t there or he should panic because there was no one to help him and Odd.
However, when he wanted to go to the examination room, after he found no one near the reception, a dark brown mop of hair stopped him in his tracks which appeared from behind the mentioned room’s door and he suddenly he was face-to-face with a too familiar person. But it wasn’t Mei.
It was Mark.
He gaped at the sight, stepping back in shock as he took in the surprisingly manly features with his wide eyes, and he felt his heart beat heavily in his ribcage from the unexpected encounter with Mark.
Even though he was actually mind-blown by the sight, he didn’t fail to notice how his cheeks were even hollower, making him look quite unhealthy. Not to mention that the dark circles under his eyes made it obvious that it wasn’t his usual stressed out state. It was something worse and Jaebum couldn’t help wondering if he was the reason behind it.
The way Mark looked up at him convinced the younger that he was surely the cause of the other’s state.
‘Oh. Hello, Jaebum.’ The skinny male bowed politely to greet him, his eyes darting down as he hung his head low with an audible gulp to take a look at the handful of blanket that the taller had with himself. ‘Is that Odd?’ He asked quietly, his voice sounding absolutely foreign to Jaebum, and not just because it was much deeper and manlier, but because his usually cheerful tone was gone, the forced out words making the shocked man stare at the other’s face helplessly. ‘Is she sick?’
‘Yes, I think she has a fever.’ He croaked out, feeling a bit freaked out as he threaded his free hand through his hair nervously. ‘She hasn’t been eating well. She also seems to be very weak.’
‘Can you please bring her in? I don’t want to drop her by accident.’ Mark murmured and he lifted up his plastered arm a little bit just to get younger’s attention on it for a moment, looking ashamed while his gaze was still resting on the ground by his feet. Jaebum could only hold back a wince at the sight.
He had broken Mark’s arm.
And he wasn’t sure about that that this was the only body part of the latter that he had broken.
‘S-sure.’ He stuttered out after he recovered from his spacing out, then brought the cat into the room with careful steps and placed it on the tall bed. ‘I’m sorry that I came here without calling or something.’ And I’m sorry that I broke your arm.
The other male only hummed in response, closing the door behind himself quietly and he approached the sick kitty to take a better look at it, but the silence that hugged the both of them made Jaebum feel troubled.
‘She has an upper respiratory infection. Since she is in the early stage of it the main symptoms, such as runny nose and sneezing, haven’t appeared yet.’ The elder said in a small voice as he grabbed some boxes of medication from a large, see-through cupboard with his unharmed hand, placing them on the bed next to Odd, and the owner easily noticed how he was avoiding eye-contact all along and how he kept himself busy with different things just to have the right amount of distance between himself and the other. ‘But these meds will help her recovery. She should be fine in a week.’ Jaebum just nodded, even if he knew that Mark couldn’t see it, and immediately reached into his pocket to take his wallet out, but the emotionless voice stopped him once again. ‘You don’t have to pay for it. This is my job.’ The latter looked up curiously and saw the shorter male glancing at him from time to time, his posture showing off that he was ready to be physically hurt by Jaebum any moment without him being furious or being near angry. It made the younger bite his own tongue to keep himself back from saying any sarcastic remarks out loud.
‘If you don’t have any questions, you guys can go home now.’ He watched Mark shift from one foot to the other as he put the distance back between them by inching away from him and towards the only window in the room.
‘Why are you Mark now?’
The brunette visibly tensed up from the abrupt question and he stared up at Jaebum with wide eyes for a while, that seemed to be hours for the both of them, but suddenly a mirthless laugh escaped through his parted lips as his uninjured fist balled up by his side. Out of anger or frustration, the Korean male couldn’t decide, so he just stayed quiet, waiting for a verbal answer.
‘Well, I listened to your advice.’ He gritted out through his clenched teeth, turning his head and sharp gaze away from Jaebum to stare at the wall instead. Even though the foreigner absent-mindedly moved his broken arm behind his back to hide his weakness, the other did pay attention to all of his actions and expressions as he tried to see through his cold facade. ‘Threw out everything and stayed Mark since then.’
Jaebum let out a snort at the words, rolling his eyes with a deep, annoyed frown. ‘Playing the martyr now, huh? I’m actually glad that you have listened to my advice.’
Mark’s face only darkened more at that as he lifted his head up, not trying to hide the disappointment, physical and emotional pain that he was feeling because of Jaebum’s behavior. But the taller man just kept staring at him without blinking once.
‘I don’t even know why I thought you would be different from them.’ He shoved his hair back away from his face with his trembling hand, breathing out a weak and dark laugh after he jerked his head away from the other. ‘If that was your only question, you can leave now, Im Jaebum-ssi.’
‘You will be thankful for it later.’
‘...In my heart, time has stopped.
I’m a fool, who only thinks about you;
I can’t do anything without you.
At the end of my long days you used to be there,
but now I’m all alone...’
It was on a Tuesday morning, that he woke up and didn’t have the energy to head to work when he knew that he was in too deep.
This was the first time since high school that he felt this bad about himself. Since his first year in high school, he still had the same friends who accepted him without judging or hurting him and he didn’t really get to know anyone because he knew how they would react if they got too close to him. As Mark he had had many one night stands to get rid of his sexual frustration sometimes, but he didn’t have anything serious until Jaebum crashed into his life.
The Korean man had seemed to be interested in him and Mark had been so sure that the other knew about his real gender that he had let himself trust the male and he only got his heart broken once again. He had thought it had been obvious that he was actually a man, because Jaebum had touched him many times, like on his thighs, hips and ass, and he wasn’t as soft to touch as a real girl would be. If he had known that things would end up this way, he wouldn’t have hesitated to distance himself from the younger or reject his offer for their very first date.
After that Tuesday days passed in a blurry and it was already Friday, his first free day that week, and his phone was ringing loudly on his nightstand at 10 am with Yugyeom’s name flashing on the screen. He grunted quietly as he sat up to grab his phone and he tried to gulp down the bitter taste in his mouth before he swiped his thumb over the screen to pick up the call. Honestly, Mark got to the point when it didn’t really matter to him how fond he was of Yugyeom anymore, his fight with Jaebum drained the vim out of him completely.
‘Hello, Yugyeomie.’ He mumbled sleepily, rubbing the heaviness out of his eyes with the back of his hand lazily. ‘Did something happen or you haven’t slept at all?’
‘Hyuung!’ The younger boy whined childishly, making Mark roll his eyes with a small smile. ‘I know I’m not famous for waking up early, but don’t be so mean to your cutest little brother!’
‘I’m not being mean, Yugyeomie, I’m being realistic.’ He snorted quietly as he fell back on his bed with a thud. ‘What’s up?’
‘We are going out to get some junk food for lunch.’ Came the cheerful answer from the other and the foreigner heard him shift around before he started talking again. ‘Bambam invited that Jackson guy too since they got to like each other so much. I thought I would invite you since we haven’t met for some time now and I miss your ugly face, hyung.’
But Mark only frowned when he heard Jackson’s name slip out of the Korean’s mouth.
Jackson was Jaebum’s employee and Mark’s friends got to know him better when he invited the Hong Kong boy and Jaebum over to eat some pizza together, but since he didn’t want it to be awkward with just the three of them, he quickly called Yugyeom and Bambam over as well. They all got to like the Chinese boy real fast because the latter was pretty friendly and a mood-maker with his funny expressions, his loudness somehow amusing instead of annoying. So he didn’t have any problems with Jackson, but it didn’t feel right for him to stay close to Jaebum’s friends. It didn’t feel safe.
The older male let out a weak sigh, rubbing his palm over his face tiredly when his head throbbed from only the thought of moving out of his bed. ‘I’m sorry, but I’m exhausted, Yugyeom-ah. I just kinda wanna lazy around today.’
‘Oh. Okay.’ He almost winced at the small wave of guilt that twirled and twisted his stomach from the disappointment in the other’s voice. ‘Well, then, I will just-’
‘Wait.’ He breathed out heavily while he sat up on his bed once again, pushing his bangs back with a small groan. Even though he knew that it wasn’t a good idea he just couldn’t let his best friends down. ‘I will go. Just text me where I should go.’
Yugyeom’s happy squeal made him smile genuinely after many days of gloominess.
The weather suited his mood which was kind of cliché. It seemed like there was a storm coming soon, because as soon as he stepped out of the building the cool wind blew right into his face and it only made his persistent headache even worse, but he just pulled up the zipper of his hoodie as he walked through the crowded streets of Gwangjin-gu with heavy steps.
‘Mark hyung!’ All of his three friends who were waiting for him in the restaurant shouted his name happily and he only playfully glared at them to make them lower their voices as he made his way to their table.
‘Guys, don’t make yourselves get kicked out.’ He chuckled at Jackson’s pouting face before fist-bumping with the three of them one by one. ‘Sorry for coming late, I was too lazy to get up.’
‘And you didn’t even change out of your pajamas.’ The Thai boy raised one of his perfectly shaped eyebrows in amusement as he eyed Mark’s gray sweatpants and black hoodie and his actions made the eldest roll his eyes. ‘At least you put on your sneakers instead of coming in your sexy, yellow slippers.’
‘Don’t make me hit you, you brat-’
‘Mark hyung, did you lose weight again?’ He felt a small tug on his healed wrist which made his heartbeat stop for a moment and he looked down at the sitting form of Yugyeom whose face was scrunched up in concern. ‘Is this because of... you know... Jaebum?’
He gulped nervously at the sudden question (Yugyeom didn’t really have a filter on his words), quickly shook his head to deny the truth and tugged his hand out of the youngest’s grip. Mark hadn’t told them the whole story about him and Jaebum. He had told them that the Korean man hadn’t known that he was a boy underneath the pink glow and since the latter was straight they had ended things between them. He hadn’t said anything about all the bad names he had been called by Jaebum and the way he had been treated by him.
‘No, you know I eat less at summers because of the hot weather.’ He smiled sheepishly, rubbing his palms together in a nervous manner as he moved to sit down next to their youngest friend, who was still staring at him, his eyes filled with worry. What he said wasn’t exactly a lie, but his three friends weren’t stupid nor blind.
‘We invited Jaebum.’ Jackson voiced out smoothly, making Mark look up at him with wide eyes and the older male felt his heart drop while he gaped at the Cantonese native dumbly. ‘We didn’t tell him that you are here. We all noticed that you two have something unsettled and we couldn’t watch it any longer. You guys have to talk sooner or later.’
‘No, everything is settled, there is nothing to talk about.’ He spit out swiftly. His teeth sank into his bottom lip when he realized that his reply came out a bit startled and harsh, then he turned his head away from the others stubbornly. ‘He made everything clear to me the last time we spoke to each other.’
‘But it’s eating you up alive, so something is off!’ Yugyeom exclaimed, raising his voice a bit just to sound firm and determined. The black-haired boy immediately reached out to hold the eldest’s hand and his touch was the opposite of his tone; it was gentle and caring, making Mark clutch onto it tightly. ‘Did he hurt you? Is he like them?’
The words almost made the brunette flinch, his jaw tightening from the sudden flash of memories, but he didn’t want to show his weak side since Jackson was there too and he probably didn’t even know what Yugyeom meant by his last question. ‘No, he just doesn’t like people like me, it’s understandable.’
However, when Jackson’s angry hiss reached his ears, his head jerked up in surprise and his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. ‘And here I was hoping that he was finally changing! But he is still a careless idiot.’
‘W-what do you mean?’ Mark quietly cleared his throat to cover up his stuttering, rubbing his cheeks when he felt them heat up.
‘There was this guy who made him feel things.’ Jaebum’s friend lowered his voice and leaned closer, so the others could hear him clearly. ‘It was back in college, we were roommates, the three of us, and he was a real cutie. Kinda quiet, and a bookworm, but cute.’ He let out a long sigh as he pressed the edge of his palm against his forehead. ‘Jaebum got scared of his own feelings because his parents always told him that it is unnatural for two boys to be together, and he started hurting homosexual people around himself. He only hurt them verbally, but I think you know that very well that how much worse that is than being hurt physically.’ The Chinese man looked up to lock his eyes with Mark, a small, sad smile playing on his lips. ‘Me and our roommate, Jinyoung, tried to stop him and told him that it was wrong to treat people that way. He did feel a bit guilty about it after that and stopped insulting gay people so openly, but he still frowned upon seeing two guys holding hands and stuff. Before he got feelings for Jinyoung, he had never been like that.’ Jackson sighed and folded his arms on the top of the table, leaning on them casually. ‘I think he was disgusted by himself and by his thoughts about our roommate, not by other homosexual people.’
‘Wow.’ Bambam breathed out with a grimace as he glanced at Mark who was staring at the wall, expressionless. ‘I didn’t know Jaebum was such a jerk.’
The Hong Kong boy fixed his snapback on the top his head and a high-pitched laugh escaped his lips, trying to lighten up the mood. ‘Bammie, language!’
Mark lied that he had eaten at home before coming to meet them since he didn’t have an appetite... thanks to the fact that Jaebum could show up probably any second. He wanted to leave so bad but didn’t dare to. He just hoped that the younger would notice him first and would turn around to leave without saying anything or coming close to their table.
But of course, he wasn’t that lucky.
As he looked up with a disgusted, but also playful frown from the sight of the two youngest laughing together while their mouths were stuffed with fries, he noticed the familiar figure from the corner of his eyes and fisted the hem his hoodie as anxiety washed through him, his breathing stopping for a moment. He didn’t really know how to react so he just hung his head and didn’t look up when the person reached their table; he also ignored the nudge that Yugyeom gave him with his elbow.
‘Hey, everyone.’ Jaebum greeted them in a low voice as he sat next to Jackson to Mark’s relief. The eldest didn’t even pay attention to the others’ hellos because the moment he looked up and saw the Korean male staring at him intently, he almost choked on his own saliva.
He averted his gaze just as fast and mumbled a soft ‘hi’ under his nose, but suddenly he felt something pressing against his lips, it made him lean against the backrest of his chair in reflex and glance down at the hand which was forcing him to eat some of the French fries.
‘Yugyeomie, I told you I’m not hungry.’ He pushed the large hand away with a displeased noise, wiping the salt off of his lips with the back of his hand. ‘I’m not really in the mood for greasy food either.’
‘But hyung!’ Yugyeom whined with a small pout and wiggled the fries in front of Mark. ‘Please, just eat one for me.’
The latter glared at the black -haired boy half-heartedly and huffed as he crossed his arms over his chest. He wasn’t mad or annoyed, he was scared, with Jaebum sitting in front of him; he just wanted to run home, hide under his blankets and pillows, and sleep his sadness away instead of having food forced down on his throat while the cause of his heartbreak was watching him all along. Even if he had wanted to eat, he wouldn’t have been able to due to his stomach clenching so hard that he could hardly keep the discomfort off of his face.
‘I’m really not hungry.’ He said softly, his words sincere before he gave Yugyeom a small smile and nudged his shoulder with his own. ‘And you shouldn’t so much junk food, you are still growing.’
‘Growing?’ The youngest gasped playfully. ‘I’m over twenty and I’m already twice of Jackson’s height-’
‘Shut up, that’s not even true!’ Jackson complained as he moved to kick Yugyeom’s shin under the table.
‘Guys!’ Jaebum barked grumpily, and Mark couldn’t hold back the startled flinch from his powerful voice that even echoed in the restaurant. It felt like the Korean male was shouting at him and not at the bickering duo, but it got way too quiet after Jaebum’s warning and he glanced up to take a look at the others’ faces. He expected pouting and sulking from Jackson and Yugyeom, and not the taken aback expressions which were directed to Mark by all of them, including Jaebum’s shocked gaze that was examining his face wordlessly. The foreigner’s heartbeat sped up in panic from the sudden, unwavering attention he had from them, and he breathed out shakily as he inclined his head, shutting his eyes tight.
Shit, they saw it.
‘I-I’ll be back, I’m going to the toilet.’ He rushed to stand up on his shaky limbs, and he avoided the curious and concerned glances from his best friends while he dashed into the restaurant’s washroom to get himself together. But his memories were faster than him.
He shook his head furiously to get rid of his dark thoughts, leaning against the counter weakly, before he ducked down to turn on the tap and wash his heated face with cold water as he tried to gulp down the newly formed lump in his throat. He noticed how much his hands were trembling, from the panic that rose in his body, when he wiped his wet hands into his pants on his thighs, and he let out a long breath to calm his heart down which was trying to burst out of his chest. He knew that Yugyeom was going to ask many questions about his reaction, the thought made him grunt, it wasn’t usual for him to be affected this much by someone raising their voice, so the younger knew for sure that Jaebum had done something to make him flinch like that when he only tried to make them quiet down.
He heard the door slid open, and since he knew there weren’t many people in the building besides them he was sure that it was Yugyeom who came to check on him.
‘Yugyeom-ah, I’m not in the mood right now.’ He stated firmly, not even looking back while he was drying his face with a tissue, which he took out of his pocket the moment he heard the person step into the washroom, and he exhaled shakily to calm his nerves down as much as he was able to. If it was a stranger who came in, he would ignore him anyway.
‘Talk to him later, he is really worried about you.’
The used tissue fell out of Mark's hands as he turned to face him without thinking twice. He stared at the man in front of him in pure shock and felt his heart jump from the sight of the taller male’s expressionless face that he had only seen on the day he had had his wrist and heart broken. He couldn’t help taking some steps back, to put a bigger distance between the two of them and to press himself against the counter in fear, as his arms came up to wrap them around his thin torso weakly, looking away from Jaebum when his waist finally bumped against the edge of the counter.
‘What do you want?’ His voice came out way too quietly, he sounded so small (and he felt small as well), and he didn’t lift his head up, not even for a second, as he chewed on his lower lip to hold it back from trembling. ‘What else do you need?’ He murmured under his breath, his rhetorical question barely audible in the spacious room and his tone was laced with sarcasm. No, he wasn’t able to hold back his emotions anymore, so he decided to let it all out if he had to. There was nothing left to lose after all.
‘Mark...’ Jaebum sighed, but it wasn’t an annoyed or a sarcastic one, it sounded rather tired which made the elder frown even more and he kept his eyes on the tiled floor until he saw the other move closer to him.
‘No!’ His voice cracked from the panic shooting up on his spine, and he stepped away from the counter without hesitation, so Jaebum couldn’t trap him there, eyeing the Korean man with his eyes filled with dread and his quivering hands fisting the hem of his hoodie anxiously. ‘Don’t come near me, did you hear me?’ He hissed in a shaky voice, willing the tears away that clouded his eyes. ‘I already know what you think about me and I don’t want to hear it once more!’
‘Would you please listen to me?’ The other scoffed and lifted a hand to push his hair back in frustration, but the move only made Mark slide further away from him, to be completely out of his reach.
‘Yeah, tell me how much of a faggot I am. Because, right, I haven’t heard that enough times already.’ He spit out sarcastically, and when fresh tears blurred his vision once more, he cursed himself in his head for being so weak in front of Jaebum.
He never really understood that how he could be so weak when so many bad things had happened to him in the past that should have made him stronger. He felt like those things had just made him sensitive, and he felt ashamed and like a burden for his friends for feeling this way; for being this fragile, this emotional. He knew a couple of people who were like him or were born into the wrong gender, and they had to deal with bullying as well, the only difference was that others could ignore their haters or got help their families and friends, and live their lives in peace, carefree and happy; but Mark just couldn’t do the same thing. He was drowning in sadness, fear and anxiety ever since middle school. He was never able to initiate a conversation with someone who he really wanted to befriend. He was never able to make friends on his own. He always thought he was too pathetic and hopeless.
As he stared at Jaebum with tear-stained cheeks and trembling lips, his memories about the punches and kicks that landed on him, those wounds and all the broken bones made him shiver and look away from the taller as he rubbed at his burning eyes. He had spent way too many days with crying his heart out.
‘Seriously, what do you want, Jaebum-ssi?’ He murmurs weakly, wiping his cheeks dry with his palms and exhaling deeply. He felt so tired. Like the whole world was against him at that moment, not only one person. ‘Weren’t all the things you did to me enough for you?’
‘I want to apologize.’
Mark’s eyes widened, then he snapped his head up and looked at the man; shocked. He wasn’t sure if he heard it well, he could only gape mutely, like a fish which drifted to the shore, before he let out a short laugh of disbelief, loud and shrill, and his voice bounced back from the tilted walls, making it echo in the room.
‘What?’
Jaebum sighed and closed his eyes for a moment, before opening them to lock his gaze with Mark, which was surprisingly apologetic and sincere, and it made the elder hold his breath in anticipation, his heart beating incredibly fast in his chest. Jaebum took a step forward slowly, to not to scare Mark, and the latter didn’t flinch away this time, only leaned against the wall to rest his heavy body, breathing out shakily once more.
‘I just had to notice that look Jackson was giving me to know that I messed up everything pretty bad.’ Jaebum said softly and when Mark noticed that they were only a feet apart, he couldn’t help backing against the wall as much as he could. He didn’t think the other would hurt him on purpose; beating him up like his high school classmates had done, but he still didn’t feel safe near Jaebum. It was a reaction that he couldn’t stop. Almost like a reflex.
‘You didn’t mess up anything, you just-’
‘I did.’ The younger cut him off, and the regret ringing in his voice surprised the both of them. ‘I should have thought about your feelings too, not only about mine. Seeing your reactions... I’m not the first asshole who hurt you this much, right?’ He reached out a hand slowly, spreading his fingers like he was asking for Mark to take his hand. However, the foreigner couldn’t even open his mouth, and as he took in the sight of Jaebum’s hand, he felt the hesitation tug on his stomach uncomfortably which made him let out a pitiful noise in the back of his throat, before he shook his head in denial and slid further away from the other.
‘Please, don’t touch me.’ He croaked out quietly, and he just sounded weak instead of angry. ‘I don’t want you to touch me.’
‘I’m not going to hurt you.’ Jaebum blurted out desperately and he brushed his thumb against Mark’s pulse point gently, after he wrapped his warm fingers around the thin wrist, also the one which had been broken by him before, then he stepped closer once again, his chest brushing against the elder’s upper arm. ‘I never meant to hurt you. I was just angry.’ His deep voice was almost like a whisper, his hot breath fanned Mark’s damp cheek and he lifted the bony hand to his lips like it was made of glass, only to press a light kiss to the inside of his wrist, breathing out a long sigh in the process. ‘I’m really sorry.’
‘Is this a sick joke?’ Mark exclaimed with a trembling voice as he ripped his hand out of the other’s grip, as soon as he felt his heart flutter in his ribcage from the caring touches, and he wiped away his warm tears with the back of his hands hastily. ‘Because I don’t find it funny at all-’
‘No! Please... Please, believe me.’
Mark thought his eyes couldn’t grow any larger, however, when he heard the broken begging he would have stumbled back in shock if he hadn’t been pressed up against the wall already. His mind was wrapped around the thought that it was just a prank and the other would soon laugh right into his face, telling him that he is so naive and stupid for believing him so easily after the things he put Mark through. He gulped down his tears quietly and backed away from the Korean male, his mouth going dry from all the emotions raging in his body.
‘I can’t.’ He breathed out weakly as he blinked up at the taller, his eyes sparkling with unshed tears, but with just as much honesty, and he turned his head away quickly when he saw Jaebum’s face fall. ‘I just can’t. After what you did, I can’t, Jaebum-ssi.’ With a quick shake of his head, Mark stepped away from the younger and his hands fisted the hem of his hoodie anxiously since his heart started beating faster because of the seemingly sincere words of Jaebum, it also made him curse himself in his head for still feeling this way about him. About someone who was no different from them. And he hated himself even more for it.
‘Can I at least try to make things right?’ The hopeful reply came from the pleading boy even though Mark didn’t even have the courage to look up at him properly, and he let out a shaky breath, a quiet ‘please’ slipping out of his parted mouth along with it.
‘It would be a miracle if you could.’ The foreigner scoffed as he glanced down on his already healed wrist, unable to hold his mind back from making him see flashbacks of the memories of Jaebum causing him so much pain both physically and emotionally on that certain day, and his face scrunches up in a deep frown, his heart twisting painfully at the same time, from the appearing images of Jaebum’s disgusted expression when the latter had stared down at his broken and trembling form. ‘Every time I saw you since then, I couldn’t help being terrified from only the thoughts about what you would want to and could do to me.’ He tries to gulp down the large lump in his throat as he unknowingly takes a step towards the door and reaches out for the handle, wanting to escape from the tense situation finally. In his head, he wished to never see Jaebum ever again, but there was a flash of a thought that his heart wished for the opposite of it. ‘And I’m still afraid of you.’ He lifted his head to look straight into the Korean male’s eyes which showed nothing, but deep regret and disappointment.
Stupid heart, stop beating so fast.
‘And I don’t think that my fear of you will ever disappear or fade.’
With that he left the restroom and made his way home without saying goodbye to anyone, his heart feeling heavier than before.
‘...Memories go round and round
and become a lingering feeling.
I was too impatient in the past; stupid.
I was so blind in the past; stupid...’