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“Todd…” Dirk Gently’s voice disturbed Todd from his focused state. He was sat on his bed reading an article about how to maintain a healthy polyamorous relationship. Although usually he would prefer spending time with his boyfriend than doing almost anything else, he could tell from the high pitch of Dirk’s voice and elongated sounds that he wanted something. Not just anything, but something that would require movement and a lot of confusion, and Todd still hadn’t quite recovered from their last case.
“My dearest Todd, darling, most brilliant Toddy Todd Todd.” Dirk said, now speaking in a familiar confident tone.
Todd looked up. Dirk had an excited expression on his face and a few steps behind him was Farah. Her expression was decidedly less excited. If anything, she looked resigned.
“What does he want?” Todd asked her, knowing that he wasn’t going to be able to get any sense from Dirk. It was rarely possible to get any sort of sense from Dirk, although in fairness his life rarely seemed to make any sort of sense.
“He wants me to-“
“Excuse me and that you very much, but I’m right here, and I can speak for myself.” Dirk declared, punctuating his speech with dramatic arm gestures, which both Todd and Farah knew by now to watch carefully if they wanted to avoid colliding with his sprawling limbs.
Farah sighed. “Go on then.”
“Well, as I left to get the milk, I saw that Farah was lifting her weights.” He paused to turn to her and comment “Very cool by the way.” before turning back to Todd. “So I was thinking about it, on the walk and I suddenly realised that Farah… could lift… you!”
“What?” Todd asked.
Dirk made sure to point to his partners and mime lifting weights at appropriate moments as he repeated “Farah could lift you!”
“No!”
“Please Todd. It would make me feel really happy. Farah said she’d do it.”
Todd looked at her with raised eyebrows. “Really? What did he offer you in exchange?”
Farah clenched her jaw and folded her arms over herself. “Nothing!” She said.
Dirk let out a high-pitched giggle, but quickly went silent and covered his mouth when Farah shot him a sharp look.
She launched into an explanation, having not quite worked out where each sentence was going to end when she started it. “Actually, I’m just curious to see if I can do it. And I don’t see why that’s an unreasonable thing to imagine. In fact I’m quite a curious person. Which you should already know since just two months ago I got into a relationship with the two of you, despite the fact that I hadn’t especially imagined myself in a relationship with even one person. So, it’s really quite normal - and to be expected - that I might want to see if I can lift you. And I don’t know why you’re looking at me like that Todd Brotzman, but I don’t appreciate it.”
“Okay.” Todd said.
“Yes it is okay!” She declared “It’s perfectly natural to be curious!”
Todd decided to interrupt Farah before she spiralled any deeper into her rant. “I mean, okay. You can lift me.”
“Yes!” Dirk said, dancing excitedly between two feet before embracing Todd in a slightly too tight hug. “You won’t regret it.” He grabbed Farah and Todd’s hands and dragged them behind him into the living room.