Work Text:
It is a peaceful night. A beautiful night with moon and stars shining brightly for those, who are wandering through streets or Dreamlands in their bed. The city is calm, without any police sirens to be heard or any noise.
At this beautiful night, there is just one person, shifting on his bed and sweating, because of his dream…
“I wish we could be like this forever. Just you and me.” A young boy smiles at him, hovering over him.
They are in the backfield, with a borrowed horse tied to a near tree, so it won't run away. The field is set with bright flowers. And those two are lying on a green fresh grass.
“We both wish for that, Kyu.” The older man caresses the boy’s cheek tenderly with all love he has for him. He can't even describe how much he loves him.
“Can the time stop for us, Won?” The brown-haired boy asks, lying down on top of Siwon, resting his head on the man’s chest. The man just smiles at the boy’s words, wrapping arms around his waist.
“I wish baby…”
It’s a memory and Siwon is smiling, having a dream like this.
After a tiring day and sleepless nights, a good sleep is wanted. Every person feels like this, right? Well… As much as the man is smiling now, he hates dreams like this. Dreams with him. The boy, he loved so much. But the boy isn’t there anymore. Kyuhyun isn’t with him anymore. He disappeared. Forever. And he will never come back. Something, Siwon doesn’t want to accept himself. That’s why, he is always grateful for these dreams… Nightmares. He can see him again. At least once. That’s all he wants.
They are going back to the farm, riding on the horse, with Kyuhyun sitting behind Siwon, practically back hugging him. The ride is rather calming and the atmosphere is amazing. This is their first peaceful day after three months.
“Siwon?” the boy suddenly calls out for his lover, looking at the trees, they passed. A river is near them and the view is just incredible.
“Hm?” the man hums, tilting his head a little, so he can see his boyfriend’s beautiful face. This is something what he needed. A full free day, just with Kyuhyun. His job of the CEO is tiring as it is, and he can’t dare to just disappear with all those scheduled meetings.
“When I graduate from my university, let’s go for a trip!” Kyuhyun grins and looks at Siwon. This is something, he has always wanted to do, when he finds someone he loves.
“What trip?” the man raises his brow, surprised by the idea. It just came out of nowhere. It sure does sound interesting, however.
“I don’t know…” the boy shrugs, pursing his lips, thinking, then smiles brightly. “All around the world!” he beams, throwing his hands into the air, only to quickly hold back on the man. He is just scared of horses and he can’t understand, why did he agree on riding one!
Siwon gets startled, when Kyuhyun almost falls down, because he wasn’t holding him, but sighs in relief, as soon as he feels the boy’s arms around his waist again. He knows, how much his boyfriend hates riding horses, yet he resisted on riding one.
“Yeah, sure. Let’s go all around the world, Kyu.” The man rolls his eyes at the unrealistic idea. Of course, money isn’t the issue. The thing is, there isn’t time. How would he love to fulfill the boy’s wish, but he can’t. At least, not in the near future.
“Okay, okay. You pick the destination.” The brown-haired pouts, sighing. His imagination was just broke into pieces, just like a glass, but that doesn’t matter. He would go anywhere, if it meant, he can be with Siwon.
“Alright, I’ll think of something.” The man promises, smiling with his dimpled smile.
This promise, however, was never fulfilled. There wasn’t a chance to do it, even though, everything was already prepared. Kyuhyun was being clever, when the promise was made, because from that time to his graduation, it were only three months.
They are at his apartment. Siwon wanted the day and night to be special, for both of them, so he even cooked, when they came back from the farm with Kyuhyun. And now, they are sitting at the table, their meal already finished. The light has been turned dim with candles on the table, to bright the atmosphere for both of them.. Now, they are both drinking red wine, the younger loves so much. Until he gets drunk of it, that’s it.
“Thank you so much for today, Wonie.” The boys smiles, glancing up from the glass, to the man. His fingers drawing patterns on the glass, still half filled. He drinks slowly today, not like always. He doesn’t want to pass out anytime soon.
“You are welcome, baby.” The man smiles widely, exploring the boy’s features in the candle light. If someone told him to describe how Kyuhyun looks, he would describe him with every little detail. Those deep round eyes, that are so beautiful to look into. That sharp nose. Those plump juicy lips, that are irresistible to kiss. Even the mole under his left eye. Everything.
“I wish, days like this would be more often, so we wouldn’t have to worry about school or work.” Kyuhyun sighs, staring now at his glass with the red liquid. He has always regretted that, but both men have their own goals.
“Yeah, that would be great. I’m sorry for that.” Siwon also sighs, feeling bad, licking his, now dry, lips. He knew, sooner or later, Kyuhyun would find that troublesome and he feared that.
“No.” the boy shakes his head, looking up at the man with a small smile. “You shouldn’t apologize. It’s one of your charms. One of the charms, I fell for.” His smiles gets bigger, reminding himself of the day they met at the university, when Siwon was chosen as a sponsor.
“You fell for me being a workaholic?” the man chuckles, not believing his ears. He would call that anything, but a charm? No way.
“Yeah!” Kyuhyun beams, nodding his head quickly. He loves Siwon for being himself and he fell for him, being himself. Not someone, who is two-faced. From the beginning up until now, he was always honest and mannered. Something, Kyuhyun was always grateful for.
“I love you, Kyuhyun.”
“I love you too…”
They are sitting in a comfortable silence for a while. No words needed to be said. Everything was said already and they just want to enjoy each other’s company.
No one knew, that night would be their last night together…
One month until graduation. Kyuhyun was nervous about everything and he was studying nonstop. Since that night, he was at Siwon’s place, he has seen him only few times for couple of hours. All their communication was done through phone or skype.
Today, is one of those days, they are together for a couple of hours. Siwon is driving the boy to a library for some books, that he will need for studying.
“Are you sure, I shouldn’t pick you up later?” Siwon asks for about tenth time through the ride. He just doesn’t like the idea of Kyuhyun going home alone late at the night. There many possible things that can happen and many strange people!
“I’m sure, Siwon.” Kyuhyun rolls his eyes, getting slightly annoyed by how persistent his boyfriend is. They aren’t even married and he is acting like this! “I will be there until late and you need to work.” He continues, trying to prove his point. Of course, he would have loved for Siwon to drive him home and spend the night with him again, because they weren’t together for so long and he just craves for his touches and words.
“Alright, baby. I’m sorry.” The man sighs, defeated. There just isn’t anything to change the boy’s mind now.
“Love you Siwon.” Kyuhyun turns his head to look at the man, driving. ‘He looks so handsome…’ the boy thinks to himself, smiling softly.
Siwon glances to the boy, smiling and taking the boy’s hand into his and bringing to his lips to kiss it.
“Love you too.”
A usual ride just made in heaven for lovers? No. That ride was a life changing one. After that ride, nothing was the same and never will.
Siwon is kneeling on the road, a stain of blood dripping down his face, but he doesn’t care. He is kneeling beside a body of the boy he loves so much. Streams of trees are falling down his cheeks, the fragile body in his arms. Police cars are everywhere and ambulance is on its way. Two cars crashed into each other and none of them can more used.
“Kyuhyun, don’t leave me, please.” Siwon keeps calling the boy in his arms. Kyuhyun has his eyes open, but slowly he is losing conscious. His eyes can’t really concentrate on anything, and the face of the man he loves, is becoming very blurry. He is feeling weak and wants to sleep.
“Won, I feel so tired.” The boy says weakly. His voice isn’t stable and he is losing the strength, his eyes lids becoming heavy.
“No no no! You can’t fall asleep, baby. Not now… Please, just wait a bit. The ambulance will be here soon.” Siwon starts to panic, looking frantically around. ‘Where the hell is the ambulance?!?!’
“I don’t think I can last until then…” Kyuhyun whispers, coughing weakly and catching a shaky breath. He feels breathless. Even his chest feels heavy.
“Don’t say something like that!” the man shakes his head, new streams of tears falling down his cheeks. Looking at his Kyuhyun like this is the most horrible thing, people can experience in their life. Where is his bubbly, grumpy boyfriend, who was always smiling when with him?
“Looks like our trip will have to be postponed…” the boy chuckles softly, reaching for the man’s cheeks with his hand, to wipe those tears. But even this little action is the hardest for him.
“No! We will surely go there! I have already picked up the destination! Bali! We can go to Bali!” Siwon calls, smiling a little, catching the boy’s hand in his and kissing the back of it. He has already planned the full trip. He has even booked the date for the biggest even on the island, so they can enjoy it together.
“That sounds nice…” Kyuhyun smiles a little, blinking very slowly.
“It will be Kyuhyun.” Siwon promises, nodding his head.
“Siwon?” the boy calls out after a while of silence.
“Yeah?” Siwon clears his throat, his sight becoming blurry, because of tears.
“I love you… Don’t think of me too much…” says Kyuhyun suddenly and closes his eyes, letting his hand fall down on the ground.
“What?! No!” Siwon shouts and shakes the boy a little, not want to believe that his lover just left him for good. “Kyuhyun? Kyuhyun!” he yells even louder when he gets no response from the boy. People are throwing him pity looks, but he ignores all that, he just cries rivers. “I love you too, baby… So much…” he whispers to the boy in his arms.
“Kyuhyun!” at this moment, Siwon wakes up yelling the name of his boyfriend. Long lost boyfriend. It’s already five years, since Kyuhyun has died, but he still can’t accept it. There is no way, he can ever forget him or not to think too much about him, like the boy requested. To Siwon, the boy meant anything. All his world. All his happiness. Living without him, his life has no point. Living is so hard without Kyuhyun.
Once again, tears are streaming down his cheeks at the memory of Kyuhyun. Siwon gets up of the bed and walks into the attached bathroom of his room. Looking into the mirror, he must chuckle at how he looks. He looks like a wreck. The man turns on the cold water and rubs his face with it few times, before drying it off.
Walking out of the bathroom, he notices it’s only 4am on the watch on the nightstand. But for sure, he knows he won’t be able to fall back asleep again. Thankfully, it’s a Sunday, a full free day. Something that wasn’t before but is now. If there was always a free Sunday, he would have spent more time with Kyuhyun. More time to do things he couldn’t and now he even can’t…
Wandering through his apartment, he looks at every corner. Everything is resembling Kyuhyun so much. There are memories of him in every part of his home. New fresh tears are threatening to fall down his cheeks. Siwon quickly blinks them away and walks to a cabinet, that holds all different kinds of alcohol. Grabbing a bottle of scotch, he sits into an armchair, opens the lid and drinks directly from the bottle. The warm stinging liquid, going down his throat, is the only thing that can make him feel better at times like this. He could be even described and pointed at as an alcoholic. Like a complete wreck.
Dark circles under his eyes, a bottle of scotch in his hand. That’s how looks the famous Choi Siwon now. Before, a handsome and wanted man. Now, the coldest person there is. He didn’t lose his job because of this, but his employees hate him. They feel pity for him, but his methods are heartless. Of course, it’s hard to lose a person we love, but end up like this is only stupid…
It’s getting harder and harder for him to live. The pain, he is experiencing, can’t be described with words. He can’t go on like this anymore. There is only one way to meet his Kyuhyun again and be happy. Only one way to possibly smile again.
Glancing towards the bottle of the alcohol, he puts it on a coffee table hurriedly. He stands up, running hands through his hair. That is the only way, right? Nothing is even stopping him. He knows, where he has to go.
Siwon returns to his bedroom, going to his wardrobe, and taking out some clothes of his. The ones, he has used before on that place, where he wants to go. Where he needs to go. He wants to end it somewhere, where are the best memories. Putting on the clothes, he quickly grabs his car keys. Hopefully, the police won’t stop him. He didn’t drink that much and if he keeps the proper speed, it’s going to be alright. Before going out of the bedroom, he quickly go to the bathroom to grab a shaver and shoving it into his pants pocket.
Abandoning all his documents and his wallet in the apartment, Siwon runs down the stairs, not really caring, there is an elevator, which could take him down. He wants to feel the adrenalin. Right now, he wants to commit the most stupid thing, he has ever thought of. His own death…
The ride on the farm takes more than four hours, but it is a smooth drive. There are no police cars through the ways and the minimum of people on the road. Why the farm? On the farm, there are held the most precious memories of him and Kyuhyun. The day, they spent together and beautiful scenery there was. It’s hard to forget something like that… At the memory, Siwon smiles sadly. It was supposed to be a happy memory. Why does he feel so broken, when thinking about this?
At the farm:
Finally, Siwon arrived. This place hasn’t changed at all. It’s still the same, just like five years ago. He looks around and walks to the farm’s office. He wants to borrow a horse to ride him to that place, like before. The same horse would be the best.
Opening the door of the office, the first thing, the man notices, is a board full of photos. There are visitors and the owners as well. One photo catches his attention, he walks closer to it. One tear rolls down his cheek. Reaching to the photo, he caresses the face of boy on it. The photo was them. Siwon, Kyuhyun and the horse, Hero. Siwon closes his eyes to stop his tears, biting on his lip.
“He has passed away five years ago.” Suddenly someone says behind him. Siwon jerks a little and looks at that someone. There is a man standing in jeans and shirt. The man has almost feminine features.
“Excuse me?” Siwon voices out, clearing his throat, and quickly wiping the tear, that was on his cheek. This is the last thing, he needed… Someone witnessing him crying.
“The horse…” the mysterious man, motions with his head to the photo and walks a little closer to Siwon.
“O-oh…” the man nods his head, finally understanding. That’s a huge coincidence… Now, he can’t take the horse for the ride. He has to choose some other horse.
“Sometimes, I think it was his guardian.” The mysterious man says, staring at the photo with a small smile.
“Whose?” Siwon is getting confused more and more. Who is even this person? Is it an employee here? He is very talkative for Siwon’s liking.
“Kyuhyun’s.” the man simply says.
“How do you…?” Siwon’s eyes goes wide with surprise. How does he know Kyuhyun? His Kyuhyun? What does this mean?
“Nice to meet you, Siwon-ssi. I have hoped to meet you under other circumstances…” the man sighs, chuckling awkwardly. He didn’t want to do this. He has hoped not to do this. Every day, he was waiting for this to happen, but at the same time, he prayed for this day to never come. Sure, he has always wanted to meet Choi Siwon, but not like this. “My name is Kim Heechul and I am Kyuhyun’s cousin.” He introduces himself.
Another shock hits Siwon’s body. ‘K-Kyuhyun’s cousin? This Kim Heechul?’ He heard about the man before from Kyuhyun. Heechul was described as a completely crazy person with a pervert mind… At the same time, the boy said that his cousin is very similar to him in attitude. Like an another him. There is one thing, Siwon doesn’t understand, however. How does Kim Heechul know him?
“C-cousin? B-but how?”
“Five years ago, I had some difficulties with myself. I didn’t know what to do and Kyuhyun recommended me this place. He was so excited about it.” Heechul chuckles and then smiles at the memory of a bouncy Kyuhyun. “It was a huge shock for me when he… Thinking, you might want to come here again, I started to work here.” He turns to look at stunned Siwon. Not being sure, what is going on in the man’s head, he just kept poker face.
“Why would you care?” Siwon scoffs, trying to get his composure. He wouldn’t break down, just because he met someone who knew Kyuhyun.
“Because, I heard what Kyuhyun told me. After he told me that, I was thinking, he is completely insane for thinking that, but then the accident happened. Suddenly, I started to think of that as a possibility. Because I was a complete wreck because of that, so I just imagined what would you look like. And that’s why I started to work here. Just like you, I saw this photo and the owner told me, the horse died the same day as the boy…” Heechul explains slowly, still staring at the man, trying to read him out. But he already knows, why Siwon is here. The way he looked said it all…
“What did he tell you?” Siwon urged the other man, taking a step closer to him. He needs to know, what Kyuhyun said. He is eager to know that.
“That you are just like a porcelain doll. You might look tough and strong, but if something huge happened, you wouldn’t be able to get over it. Because you had a rough life. And now, here you are… And probably with the most selfish thing in your head. Have you thought about Kyuhyun though?” Heechul says, getting slowly angry with his words. Just what is this man thinking that he is doing?!
“What do you know about me? What do you think I will do?” Siwon clenches his jaw, crossing his arms on his chest. He hates people like this! Those who judge him, not knowing anything at all!
Seeing the man trying to look so almighty and like he has a bigger power, Heechul takes a step closer to the man, to look more intimidating himself.
“You tell me about it… What will you do?”
With these words, Siwon has lost. Licking his lips quickly nervously, he looks around the office, his eyes stopping on the photo of him and Kyuhyun. There is no point in lying… Finally, there is someone, who is willing to talk with him, so he might as well say the truth.
“I… I can’t live without him.” He says very slowly, finding Heechul’s eyes again, first tear falling down his cheek.
“But he wouldn’t want that.” Heechul says, shaking his head. “Taking your own life is just the most selfish thing you can do. Not moving on is only hurting you and people around you. You, acting like this, won’t get Kyuhyun back or anything.”
“How can I live without him though? Every day is hard for me to survive. I have become an alcoholic. My life had been destroyed…” Siwon starts naming out, running hands through his hair, looking completely lost.
“And whose fault is that?” Heechul groans, rolling his eyes, pointing at Siwon with his finger and actually poking his chest a little. “Get a hold of yourself, Siwon-ssi and try to think a little about Kyuhyun! How would he feel if he saw you like this and heard you? Have you ever thought about him? How can you think like that?” Heechul throws his arms into the air. He understands it must be hard, but living like this is just so wrong. “This is not how you are supposed to live…”
That day, Siwon realized what he did and what he wanted to do, was selfish. He was so embarrassed of himself, seeking Kyuhyun’s forgiveness that night. But for him, there were many more things he had to do. He never even thought about the boy’s request to him. Nothing too much about him, doesn’t mean to forget him. It simply meant, that Siwon just had to move on… Something, he was rejecting to do all five years. Finally, he said to himself, that Kyuhyun’s death wasn’t his fault. He remembered the roads that day were slippery because of ice. It was heavily snowing that day. Many people were injured and many passed away. Kyuhyun was one of them. His star and love…
Four years later:
He has forgot! He has forgot again about the meeting with Heechul. The man will kill him, once he arrive! But he can’t help it… Since the morning, Siwon was running all over the company and from one meeting to another. It was just a busy day. Of all days, why did it have to be on this day? Today, he was supposed to enjoy, because it is a special day. A wedding anniversary. Yes, that’s right. After that day at farm, Heechul helped Siwon a lot and then, without knowing, they fell for each other. They were dating for a year and half, before Siwon gathered the courage to propose. Many things have changed.
At work, people got to meet the old charming and mannered Choi Siwon again. He isn’t cold to anyone anymore and is actually thinking about everyone’s wellbeing. It’s even a lot easier to be nice to everyone, than getting mad all the time. It’s quite relaxing as well.
In his personal life, it got more than better, since he got even married. He is happier now and finally able to breath freely. This was something he needed all those five years. He needed to relax a bit and live through the moment. Looking back at past always brought his depression, but now, he can even smile. Sincerely smile. Thanks to Heechul, he can sincerely laugh as well. But now, he is really scared of his life because of the said man.
Driving through the busy streets of Seoul, Siwon thinks a little. Looking up at the sky, he smiles a little. Starting to think:
“Hi Kyu, are you watching me? How are you doing up there? Do you miss us as much as we miss you? We miss you so much.
You must have thought, I was an asshole, right? I couldn’t understand your simple words and nearly destroyed my life. I was being stupid enough, to even think about dying myself and coming to you. I wonder, what would happen if I really did that… I was selfish, not thinking about all those people who are leaning on me. I have so many people, for who I mean a lot, even though I am just their boss. If I have died back then, what would happen to all those people, Kyu?
That’s why, I want to thank you. Even without you knowing, you have send me him. Heechul. Did you know that? Were you expecting this to happen, when you were leaving? I believe you did. You wouldn’t have told those things to Heechul, otherwise.
I’m sorry, Kyu. I couldn’t keep my promises. I couldn’t take you for our trip. If I had known this, I would have taken you on the trip all around the world… I have told you, you are the only love of my life and I would never love anyone else. Yet, I have fell in love with Heechul. But you aren’t angry, right? It was you, who send me Heechul, after all. Without him, I wouldn’t be here anymore. Maybe… Just maybe, I would have been with you. But most likely, they would send me to hell for my thoughts and actions. Someone like me wouldn’t be able to set a foot into a heaven paradise.
Now, I don’t regret it. Thanks to you, I realized many things.
But don’t worry, I will always love you. You are my the one and only true first love.
Thank you, Kyu, for making me realize all this.
I will never forget you.
Sending this as a message to Kyuhyun, who is surely watching him from the heaven, sitting on a cute, fluffy cloud. Maybe looking even more like an angel now. That’s how Siwon is imagining the boy…
Chuckling to himself, Siwon unlocks the door of his and Heechul’s apartment. He was completely imagining the angel Kyuhyun, being all pouty and grumpy in the heaven, trying to look like a boss. Just how he remembers him.
“Yah! Choi Siwon!” only this brought him back to the reality. Siwon closes his eyes, taking a deep breath, before facing his husband.
“Chullie, my love, how are you?”