Work Text:
In this world where I'm always misunderstood
Is there a soul who wants to decode the real me?
Please, I just want someone to sit beside me
Someone to talk to, someone to pour my heart into
Zhenya's POV
Evgenia Medvedeva. Russian Iron Princess. Ms. Perfect. Ice Queen. Everyone knows me of these titles. But what they don't know is the Evgenia Medvedeva that is lonely. The Evgenia Medvedeva that came from a broken family. The Evgenia Medvedeva that is not supported by her father. The Evgenia Medvedeva left by her mother to be with her new beau. The Evgenia Medvedeva who is alone. All they see is the happy-go-lucky Sailor Moon wannabe that glides the ice smoothly. But if that's what it takes to retain everything that I still have I'll keep that facade. Even if it hurts. Even if I feel like dying day by day.
Grace me with your presence, just for a minute
Heal my broken heart, stay for a minute
But I know this won't come true
Because even if I see your face it's just the wind in actuality
Zhenya's POV
My phone beeped. A message from you,wishing me well. Your princely demeanor really made me fall for you.How I wish you are the one who'll fix the broken me. But no matter how I wish for it to come true I know it won't happen. Because all you can offer is some brotherly care and friendship. Nothing more. Nothing less.
Why am I actually surprised?
My story has always been like this
A girl that's always left behind
A girl that's always begging for love but also always getting ignored
Zhenya's POV
All started going downhill when my father went home only twice a week, then not at all. Next thing I know divorce papers were signed. My mother supported me but I can also see her suffering everyday. Then she found another man. I should be glad that finally she'll be happy again but I'm not, not because I'm selfish, but because that guy is the exact replica of what my father is. A trash who thinks women are just for his games and nothing more. I don't want her to be hurt again. But as I become vocal with my thoughts it's as if she thinks I'm not her daughter anymore. Blinded by love, she threw me away as if she did not took care of me for 18 years. I'm living alone now. Ever since my mother married that man I decided to be independent and live alone. And with living alone, feeling love became lost too but I survive, barely.
No special days for me ‘cause I'm just always alone
Now I'm wondering what I'll do with this cake
Maybe I'll just devour this all alone
Like those other times
Zhenya's POV
Birthdays. I always look forward to these events when I was still young. But now, I only view it as a day where a person will naturally grow older. It's just normal and it'll pass. But as I make my way home from Katya’s surprise birthday party for me with my right hand heavy with the leftover cake she made me take home, I was wondering what I'll do with it. In the end, I ate it all. Eteri might get angry if she finds out but I don't care. At least I get to sleep with my stomach full and a small smile in my lips.
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After a very stressful Olympic season the off season ice shows kicked off once again. Fantasy on Ice is starting in Makuhari with World and Olympic Champions Yuzuru Hanyu, Evgenia Medvedeva, Tessa Virtue & Scott Moir and Wenjing Sui & Cong Han as headliners of the show.
I try hard each and every day
I do all the things that make me forget
But my aloneness is slapped in my face time and time again
Zhenya's POV
They say I'm talented. I can sing. I can dance. I can draw. And I can definitely skate. Doing these things really makes me happy and as my pencil touch my pristine white sketchbook, images slowly forming, I feel my heart slowly getting at peace. Not until I look up, woken up by a sad realization that I'm alone again.
Yuzu’s POV
I'm at backstage with Nobu filming a fluff piece for FaOI when my peripheral vision saw a glimpse of Zhenya and from what I'm seeing she's drawing again. I saw some of her drawings and all of them are stunning. She really is a talented lady that I admire so much. I am at that state when I heard Nobu chuckling.
“What?”
“Are you finally thinking of making a move?”
“What are you talking about?”
“I see you looking at Evgenia.”
“So it's bad to look at her now?”
“Oops. Sorry. Let me rephrase that. I see you ALWAYS looking at Evgenia.”
Is it true? Am I really looking at her all the time? Is Nobu the only one noticing or others are starting to notice too? Should I control this urges of mine? My reverie is suddenly cut off by Nobu’s serious voice.
“But Yuzu, you should watch her very closely. You really need to.”
“What do you mean?”
Nobu didn't reply instead he turned his back from me and started to walk away. And as my gaze find its way back to Zhenya I saw her smiling face slowly turn sad as she looks around and then finally gathered her things and walked away. Something in me says that Nobu might be right. What's wrong with you, Zhenya?
Is this really true even just for a minute?
Are you finally reaching out even staying for a minute?
Zhenya's POV
I'm walking with Luna clutched in my arms while thinking of where to eat when all of a sudden I was met with the sight of a guy clutching a Pooh tissue box walking towards me. I don't know why but I have this urge to turn around and hide from him but I kept my composure and continued walking ahead.
“Hi Zhenya!”
“Hi Yuzu! Is there anything you want from me?”
“Um, do you want to have lunch with me? My treat!”
“Wow! What have I done to deserve a treat coming from THE YUZURU HANYU?”
“Stop that. I'm still the same me. Nothing changed. And I just want to catch up with you. Last season we didn't have the chance to talk properly. So, will you?”
“Um, I don't know…”
“Please.”
“O-okay.”
Yuzu's POV
As we're waiting for the food to come up I can't help but stare at her. She's really pretty. Her doe eyes sparkles everytime she speaks. Her cheeks are so rosy. Her lips molds in the sweetest smile I have ever seen. I may have not been listening to her because the next thing I knew her hand is waving in front of my face.
“Yuzu! Are you okay? You've been spacing out for too long. Actually you've been staring at me for a while. Is there something on my face?”
“No, your face is fine! Um, actually, uh, you're really beautiful.”
“You must be really sick. You're seeing things now!”
“But it's true! You even placed 85th on that poll last year.”
“That's just a fluke.”
“I disagree. In my opinion you should have placed even higher.”
“Fine. If you say so.”
And just like that the emotion I saw from her backstage is back in her face. I wish you can tell me what's wrong Zhenya.
I shouldn't hope too much because
My story has always been like this
A girl that's always left behind
A girl that's always begging for love but also always being ignored
Zhenya's POV
Time seems to stand still while I'm talking to Yuzu. He always has that effect on everyone but to me it's always tenfold. We talked about everything, from our respective tissue holders to Tokyo Ghoul. We didn't run out of topics and for a moment the world is only ours. But no matter how good it feels I shouldn't be hoping too much. For all I know that one person telling me he'll catch me is the same person who'll let me fall.
Yuzu’s POV
I really missed talking to her. We really are almost alike. We can talk for hours without getting bored. I also missed her smiles, how her eyes crinkles whenever she laughs, the pitch of her voice whenever she's surprised, how she pouts when she's thinking hard. I missed everything about her. But in an instant the gloomy aura within her is back. Deciding to reverse the atmosphere I continued our conversation.
“So what's your favorite food?”
“Me? I don't have anything in particular. I eat everything! Oh, but I'm allergic to shrimps.”
“How about favorite color?”
“Hmmm. I like pink but nowadays I'm fascinated with red. Blood red in particular.”
It's good seeing her smile again. I want to be the one making her smile. I can do it until forever.
Are you really concerned about me?
Or is it a spur of the moment thing?
Don't ask me if I'm alright
I'm used to this. I'm fine
Zhenya's POV
It's really nice talking to Yuzu. With him I can be true to myself. I always find myself laughing when I'm with him. He always finds a way to make me happy and as I look at him munching his food energetically I can't help but cackle.
“You always say that food doesn't take your interest and yet here you are downing your third bowl of ramen.”
“Maybe food didn't really interest me but I also said that I eat if I want to. Also, it's off season! I can pig out as long as I want!”
“And not only you are pigging out, you are also sweating out!”
“It's not my fault that the soup is so hot!”
“Aish. What a sweaty person!”
Yuzu's POV
So embarrassing! Now Zhenya finds me disgusting. I just buried my sorry, embarrassed face in my bowl when out of the corner of my eyes I saw Zhenya rummage through her bag and smiled triumphantly when she found what she was looking for.
“I think you're still handsome with your sweaty face but you'll be more presentable without it. There you go!”
My mouth dropped from shock and I can't help but blush. She just wiped my face with her handkerchief. Did I also heard her say I'm handsome? I can even feel some of the restaurant’s staff eyeing us and giggling mischievously.
“U-uuh, your handkerchief…”
“It's a handkerchief given to me by my grandmother before she died. It's really important to me. But it's okay. You can have it!”
“B-but…”
“Really, it's okay.”
And as she put the handkerchief in my hand I feel like she's giving me a very important part of her. And I'll make sure to take care of it as how I want to take care of her. But first, I think I need to save my man pride.
“But no matter how much you wipe my sweat it'll just keep coming back. Men tends to sweat more after all.”
Zhenya's POV
“ Yeah. Men does.”
And you're a man that I really look up to. So much that I feel that we're worlds apart. Who am I kidding? No matter how hard I try I won't be able to reach you. Because a star like you will never desire a trash like me.
“Should we go back, Yuzu?”
Yuzu's POV
Once again the atmosphere changed, this time for the worst. I felt like I said something that made Zhenya's mood sour again. I want to apologize but I'm afraid that it might trigger something more so I just opt for something simple.
“Are you alright, Zhenya?”
“Of course, I am. Why won't I be?”
I don't think so, Zhenya. I don't think so.
Maybe one of these days, one of these years
A prince will kiss me awake and save me
But until then…
Zhenya's POV
The phone conversations and lunch invitations from Yuzu continued to the point that the other cast are wondering if we're together already. Waka keeps on asking and pestering me if we really are together. Anna keeps wiggling her eyebrows whenever she sees me talking to Yuzu. Nobu keeps staring at me as if he wants to investigate inside the pit of my soul. Johnny and Stephane keeps on singing duet love songs whenever they see me. And Evgeni keeps on teasing me. But no matter how they want that to happen, no matter how I want that to happen, I can't force myself to Yuzu. He deserve so much better. Not someone like me, a broken shell of my former self. I'm sorry Yuzu. But allow me to say this to you one last time.
I LOVE YOU. GOODBYE.
Yuzu's POV
I was making my way back to the hotel when I received a text from Zhenya.
I LOVE YOU. GOODBYE.
My heart literally skipped a beat. Something is wrong. And I feel that time is of essence. I need to get to her fast.
“Woah. I never tasted shrimps that good!”
“Me too!”
I turned to where the voices came from and saw Jeff and Shizuka talking. I immediately ran to them. They might know where Zhenya is.
“Have you seen Zhenya?”
“Evgeni or Evgenia?”
“Dear Shizuka, you should have known by now that he means Evgenia! Have you seen how cute they are together!?”
“ But this is Yuzuru we're talking about. His childhood hero is Evgeni.”
“Touché.”
I don't need this teasing and time stalling right now! What I need is to get to Zhenya's side, fast!
“Evgenia! Have you seen Evgenia!?”
I might have blurted it out harsher than I intend because I saw Jeff’s mouth drop and Shizuka’s eyes widen from shock. But finally I got my answer.
“N-no.”
“Thank you.”
I think I need to apologize to them because what I did was so rude but that can wait. With determined steps I ran to the elevator when I suddenly saw Javi.
“ Javi have you seen Zhenya!?”
“I saw her earlier from the hotel’s cafeteria. I think she picked up some food. Why? Is there something wrong?”
“I'll explain later. I need to get going.”
I immediately hopped inside the elevator and pressed Zhenya's floor number. Please wait for me Zhenya. Please hang in there. Once the elevator doors opened I dashed to Zhenya's door but found out that it's locked. I knocked like crazy but can you blame me? If I lose Zhenya… No! I won't lose her. I still want to make her smile. I still want to have a chance to hold her hand, to see her eyes glow from happiness. I just want to have a chance of loving her.
“Zhenya! It's me, Yuzu! Please open up! I'm here now! Let's talk! Please open this door. I'm begging you, Zhenya! Please!”
But still no reply. It left me no choice but to break the door. I desperately kicked the door with all my might. By my third attempt the door finally gave in and what I saw crushed my heart into pieces. I saw Zhenya barely breathing, lips turned from its natural pinkish tint to blue, with both of her wrists slit while lying in a pool of her own blood. I immediately run to her and cradled her in my arms. I shook her, tapped her cheek, called her name but still no response. I know that I'm already crying, sobbing even but that's the least of my worries now. Because I know that as time ticks by Zhenya's life is also slipping away. But my decision making skills completely left me and I'm just left in shambles. Javi should have warned the others because the next thing I know someone was parting me from Zhenya.
“No! Zhenya! Don't…”
“Yuzu! Yuzu! Calm down. Let the medics take care of her. They'll do everything they can, okay?”
“Shoma?”
That's the only thing that I can hold on to for now. All I can do is pray.
My story has always been like this
A girl that's always left behind
Can you even blame me if my heart became ice cold already?
But if you're really the prince that will unfreeze my heart
Please save me, I don't wanna be alone anymore
Reach for my hand and kiss all the pain away
I'll wait for you one of these nights
“Yuzu, you can rest first. Or you can at least clean up first. Change clothes. Wash your hands. It's full of Zhenya's blood.”
“I won't. If it's the only thing that she'll left with me aside from her handkerchief I'll keep it.”
“Yuzu…”
“Let him be Johnny.”
“But Stephane…”
“Ssshhh…”
Yuzu's POV
I can't even cry now. My tears have dried up already. Sitting on the floor desperately waiting for news I feel like my soul has already left my body and I am just half alive. I can't even feel my heart beating anymore and if Zhenya doesn't make it I'm afraid my heart will die with her. I feel the others’ sympathetic stares at me. Miki looks like she wants to sit beside me but decided otherwise. I got a gentle back tap from Elladj. Misha looks like he'll gonna have a breakdown sooner or later. Akiko looks really worried for me. But for now my state is the least of my concerns. I just want Zhenya out of harms way. Suddenly, the room to the operating room opens up and the doctor came into view. I bolted like a spring to get to him.
“ Who are Ms. Evgenia Medvedeva’s family?”
“We’re her friends.”
I didn't know that my voice have the capability of breaking and shaking as bad as this.
“Any significant other?”
“I'm…”
I can't even finish my sentence. I don't even know what we are. I love her. She said she loves me. But is that enough of a proof to tell that we're together? Luckily he stared at me as if he understood.
“The reason why I asked is because we suspect that she has a case of clinical depression. Do you know if there's a problem she's currently dealing with?”
“She's been living by herself since her mother remarried. She's been alone ever since. Her mother doesn't even visit her. It's as if she stopped being her mother altogether.”
The anger in Wakaba’s voice is so palpable it’s somewhat scary. But I understood how she feels. Because I also feel my blood boil hearing all those things from her.
“She also mentioned that she doesn't feel like herself, like she's not adequate enough, that she doesn't deserve everything that she's getting.”
Hearing those from Anna broke my heart even more. Zhenya is feeling alone with no one to take care of her. And whenever she gets something, all from sheer determination and effort, she feels that she doesn't deserve it which is not true because she deserves everything in this world! If only I knew that this is what’s bothering her. I feel useless.
“All of those factors might have triggered her and led to this suicide attempt. It seems that she ingested something first before slitting her wrists that caused a severe allergic reaction. Her trachea, a part of the upper airway spasmed due to this ingestion, leading to bronchoconstriction. We need to insert an endotracheal tube in her to open up her airway and connect it to a mechanical ventilator to aid with her breathing. As I've said she also slit both of her wrists. The good thing is there are no nerve damage done and the mobility of her wrists will be just fine. But the blood vessels are so severed we had a hard time reconnecting them. She lost so much blood because of this. We facilitated emergency blood transfusion. Her blood pressure dropped dangerously low that we almost lost her. But now her vital signs are stable. You may see her later. Excuse me.”
With that the doctor left us with our thoughts. It's so much to take in. My head and my heart is heading to an overload. Suddenly everything clicked into place.
“Woah. I never tasted shrimps that good!”
“I saw her earlier from the hotel’s cafeteria. I think she picked up some food. Why? Is there something wrong?”
“Me? I don't have anything in particular. I eat everything! Oh, but I'm allergic to shrimps .”
“Hmmm. I like pink but nowadays I'm fascinated with red. Blood red in particular.”
“It's a handkerchief given to me by my grandmother before she died. It's really important to me. But it's okay. You can have it!”
Bam!
“Yuzu, don't punch the wall like that! You'll injure yourself!”
“Get off of me, Guillaume! She gave me signs! And I can't believe that I just let it all pass by! I'm so dumb! I'm so dumb!”
“Calm down, Yuzu. Please calm down. You're starting to wheeze! Evgenia wouldn't want you to have an asthma attack, would she?”
With Gabriella’s coaxing, I sat in one of the chairs and tried to collect myself. She's right, Zhenya wouldn't want that to happen. Out of the corner of my eyes I saw Nobu staring at me. He seems to tell me something but I can't hear him. But it's alright. I can totally read his moving mouth.
“Not your fault, Yuzu. Not your fault.”
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Finally we are allowed to see Zhenya but standing right outside of her door I feel that I really want to see her at the same time I don't. But as I turned the doorknob all my feelings was stopped in a halt. The tension in me arises. I slowly made my way towards her. I heard Wakaba sobbing loudly while holding onto Anna for dear life. Misha finally lost it. With all the chaos around me it's surprising that my head is so empty. I gazed at her lying form and assessed everything. She's still beautiful but so pale I feel that she's almost devoid of life. Her chest is rising and falling slowly, aided by the mechanical ventilator. She's breathing, aided, but still she's breathing. She's also attached to a heart monitor telling me that the heart that I want to take care of is still beating. Both of her wrists are wrapped with bandages with deep wounds underneath them I'm sure of. Both her hands have an IV line with one of those for blood. Seeing the Zhenya I know of, the loud, energetic happy pill, turned this helpless shattered my already broken heart even more. But I need to be strong for her. So I made a promise to her while holding her hand.
“I'll fix you Zhenya. I promise.”
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“Do you want to hear a story, Zhenya? What I'm about to tell is a story about the Phantom and his Little Princess. The Phantom is a feared warrior althroughout the land. It is said that the secret to his success is the goddess Olympia’s unequaled fondness of him. But even if that's the case the Phantom, up until then, doesn't know what love is. That year the Phantom was badly hurt from a war and hasn't regain his full form yet but due to sheer luck he still found himself winning the Grand War. He's aimlessly walking around the battle area when his eyes got caught by a sight he's never found interesting before. In the middle of the battle ground stood the Little Princess. Her hair and the ornaments in it, her slightly adorned face, her brown dress, all of her are perfect. But what got the Phantom’s attention is her unique battle technique and unwavering fighting spirit. Her movements are so fast yet so elegant. Her jumps soars and travels a great distance across the battlefield. After the battle she displayed a sweet, wide smile that finally unfroze the Phantom’s ice cold heart. The Little Princess won decisively, the Grand War and the Phantom’s heart. But the Phantom is afraid to approach the Little Princess. She is so naive and still had a lot in front of her. She's like a rosebud waiting to bloom fully. While he's a monster sucked by greed and power. But day by day he finds himself slowly changing. The Little Princess slowly melted the Phantom’s insecurities and pain. She saved him unbeknownst to her and yet she did. She taught him how to be strong, how to remain calm when faced by odds, how to love. And now… it's the Phantom’s turn to save the Little Princess that he loves so much. The Phantom vows his strength, his loyalty and his love to her. A-and the Phantom is willing to w-wait even until f-forever… if that's the o-only way to h-have a c-chance to love her. So please, Little Princess, accept this poor Phantom’s love for you…”
Yuzu's POV
My emotions finally got the better of me as I sobbed like a child. I hope Zhenya heard all of what I said. After bottling this emotions for so long I decided to pour all of it. I have been a coward but now I am brave enough to confess all my love for her. I hope that everything is not too late.
“Sir, excuse me. Visiting hours are over.”
“I'll be back, Zhenya. Tomorrow I'll tell you another story. I love you. Yesterday, today and tomorrow.”
With that I kissed her goodbye, got up and closed the door as gently as possible. And as I dragged myself home I left another piece of my heart to Zhenya.
The room remained silent, aside from the heart monitor, not until a whisper echoed in the room.
“The Little Princess… is it me?”
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The Phantom and the Little Princess walked hand in hand through the snow. The atmosphere is full of contentment and they are walking in comfortable silence. Suddenly the Little Princess stopped walking and removed her hand from the Phantom’s hand. She turned and around and looked at the Phantom’s eyes directly with her sad ones.
“I love you. But I'm sorry. Goodbye.”
Yuzu's POV
I bolted upright while shaking in fear. No! I can't lose Zhenya! I can't fail to protect her again! I won't let it happen. I hurriedly changed clothes and traveled to the hospital as fast as I could. When I reached her room it is immaculately clean. No IVs, no mechanical ventilator, no heart monitor and more importantly no Zhenya was in sight. My trembling legs gave up on me and I found myself kneeling on the cold floor while sobbing. Once again I failed to do anything. It's over.
“Zhenya…”
All of a sudden someone enveloped me in a hug from behind. No. Could it be?
“Yuzu…”
That voice… I can't mistake that from anyone else! I turned around and I was greeted by the sight of Zhenya, bags under her eyes, still pale but still beautiful nonetheless. I can't help myself from outlining her features with me fingers, her eyes, her nose, her cheeks, her lips.
“Am I dreaming?”
And as I saw her shake her head I immediately seized and hugged her as tightly and as gently as I can.
“Don't ever do that again! You scared me!”
“Hmm.”
“I promise I'll fix you Zhenya. Please let me fix you.”
She didn't reply but I felt her head nodding. At least she's welcoming my help. And right now, that's what really matters.
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10 Years After
Yuzu's POV
It feels that what happened that fateful day seems just yesterday. And as I look at the little girl sleeping between me and the love of my life I can't help but be proud of myself. I successfully saved her. And she accepted my love for her. What an achievement for me! She's so gorgeous. Her hair, her eyes her pinkish cheeks and lips, how the ring I chose for her fits her fingers perfectly and how the same hands that has that ring holds her once again growing belly. She's so beautiful. And I won't let this fact be unknown to her.
“You're perfect to me. I love you, Zhenya, my love.”
But Zhenya’s lips didn't produce any sound. After all action speaks louder than words.
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Omake:
*blink blink
*blink blink
“Are you two just gonna stare at each other?”
“Zhenya! There you are! I've been looking for you all over the place. Oh, hello Mr. Orser! I'm Eteri Tutberidze and this is my charge…”
“Konnichiwa! Evgenia Medvedeva desu!”
“Aww. How cute! The Junior Grand Prix Final Champion. By the way I'm Brian Orser and this is my skater…”
“Are you mute?”
“Zhenya! What are you saying!? Apologize now!”
“But it's true! He's not speaking up!”
“Hanyu Yuzuru desu. Yoroshiku Onegaishimasu.”
“There you go! You can totally speak!”
“Oh my God! I can feel my skin aging!”
“I feel you. My hair is falling off because of this kid too!”
“Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday dear Yuzu! Happy Birthday to you!”
“Is that cake for me Nobu?”
“Of course! Blow your candle! Make a wish, c’mon!”
Yuzu's POV
“Can you see that Little Princess in front of me Olympia? She's so beautiful right?” As I close my eyes I wish for her to grow up to be a strong lady. “And can I have an extra request? Can she be my wife?”
*blow