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It was Tuesday, this was Chinese takeout day for dinner since this was a perfect storm on the weekly basis for both Sehun and Jongin. Sehun always had to do inventory in his office which took the entire day to complete since he had to count supplies in both the office and warehouse division to properly make sure they had enough merchandise for customer shipments. For Jongin, it was exam day for his students meaning he had to have his students dance then grade them whether they pass or failed. It was a lot to do when his class consisted of fifty students who have to dance for a two minute song.
By now, they’d be cuddling on the couch with their usual orders. Sehun always got beef and broccoli with a pint of white rice, Jongin always opted for wonton soup and beef lo mein. This Tuesday however, Sehun sat in the empty apartment that still resonated from the energy of the fight they just had which left Jongin storming out the door. Sehun knew he’d just go to his studio to dance away whatever energy he had, but the silence felt too real in his mind of how he continued to do wrong.
Sehun and Jongin had been dating now for two years, they lived together, they did just about everything together, shared the same friends, everything. That wasn’t the problem but at the same time it was. Sehun didn’t care about the sharing aspect, but it was the fact that Jongin weaved such a strong part in his life and yet, he was too scared to ever say how he felt. In his mind, and how Jongin recited that to him repeatedly, it made him feel stupid. He didn’t have a reason to ever not express how he felt but at the same time it’s like he’s always trying to figure out how he feels.
He loves Jongin, doesn’t ever even try to deny it because that’d be pointless. He knows he loves Jongin, but it’s hard for him to simply communicate anything he feels for the other to the point that he tries tearing them apart. It’s little things sometimes like picking fights over a dish left unwashed or misplacement of the remote. Sometimes it’s big things like tonight where Jongin yelled at him about how Sehun doesn’t love him, doesn’t care enough about him, how he doesn’t even know where he stands. He doesn’t try to do these things often, just when he felt insecure enough to initiate. Sehun figured this fight would be coming since Jongin sometimes asks late at night when they cuddle if Sehun would ever leave, if he loved him, where he stood.
It made him feel like shit, really. That he fucked up his own relationship by being too scared to say how he felt to the point that his own boyfriend had no idea where he stood. Sehun was sure Jongin would have left by now, he can see it in his eyes sometimes in times like these when they fight. When Jongin’s eyes are watered over and spilling with tears, he sees how much he wants to be here with Sehun, how he’s so scared to be alone without Sehun, there’s nothing but love in there for him while Sehun felt that love for Jongin. He just never showed it, never vocalized it, never. That’s when he sees the way Jongin pities himself for wanting Sehun, the look alone crushes Sehun beyond belief since he knows it’s all on him his boyfriend looks that way.
Here he sat, he was given the perfect opportunity in his lap to walk away, to pull apart completely, but he couldn’t. Jongin is perfect, is worth absolutely everything in this lifetime to stay with him. He knows they’re going through a rough spot right now but he really would do anything for him, he loves him so much it’s stupid and what makes it stupider in his own mind is that he can’t just right out and say it to him.
He paced to the bedroom now, laying on their bed that was messy and undone. This morning they spent about twenty minutes making out slow and heated. He remembers lacing Jongin’s hand with his own, pushing it into the soft sheets as he listened to the mewls coming from his lover’s mouth at the slow rolls of his hips. Now it’s cold, empty, lifeless with the exception of Sehun resting his head on Jongin’s pillow.
It smelled like him, coconut shampoo with entrails of clean linen was embedded into this side of the bed. Sehun knew no one else would know Jongin like him, he’s so right for him, he thinks so at least. He knew Jongin like the back of his hand, how he woke up to how he preferred to sleep. How he took his tea, how he got ready for his day or how he spent lazy days lounging around. What real laughs and fake laughs looked like, what his ‘teacher’ voice sounded like, how to take away the other’s hangovers from many rowdy nights spent together. He’s right for him, but for some reason he couldn’t tell him that.
His back hit the bed now, lifting the blankets, still absorbed in the smell of coconut shampoo. His brain presented the crossroads he stood at now, and the only way he could possibly weigh out the repercussions of each was to close his eyes and imagine a life without his boyfriend in it. Shockingly, something he had never done despite always trying to pick them apart. His eyelids felt heavy with exhaust, but he willed himself to stay awake.
His morning would start off without the ringing of Jongin’s alarm to wake them both, meaning he would be late. Or his own alarm would go off, waking him in a bed too big for one. He already felt a grimace sprawl across his face at that alone, but he pushed off into his mind. He’d get dressed without the touches of Jongin’s hand on his thin waist with kisses pressed against his neck as he waited for the sink to be available. He’d be without the other whispering soft questions into his ear about how he slept or what he dreamed about with a tired smile on his face, dim bathroom lighting dancing in his brown eyes.
Breakfast for one, tea for one, all of those would have to be changed to recipes for one. The dining room table would have one too many chairs, one too many placemats, all the colorful quirky tea mugs would be gone leaving the white ceramics in the cabinets. Sehun felt his eyes water beneath his closed eyelids, but he continued on regardless.
His day would be lacking with texts in between, maybe a text from their friends who stuck around to hang out later but other than that, there’d be no texts from Jongin about how his day is going. He’d have no texts to send out to Jongin ask if he ate yet, how he’s doing, calling him sweet names and exchange little secrets about how he loved kissing Jongin early in the mornings in between their grey sheets. Dinner for one, a movie night without discussion of what to watch didn’t seem riveting. The space on the couch would be empty, lifeless, dead space next to him.
Sehun’s eyes snapped open, feeling hot tears slide down his face as shaky breaths escaped his throat. The blanket was bunched beneath his fists, knuckles stark white until he relaxed. Coconut and clean clothes filled his nose, Jongin would be back, Jongin would finally know tonight how much he really loved him. He couldn’t keep holding off his feelings, he couldn’t keep being scared to let his boyfriend in and love him the way he deserved. He stayed in the same spot except rolling on his side to bury his face into the soft pillow Jongin always slept on.
Tears didn’t stop leaving his eyes, mind rolling with possibilities that Jongin could still walk out. The tears slowed but still left his eyes as he stared out the bedroom door into the brightly lit living room. He was waiting with full patience for the door to open, he figured Jongin would come home within the next hour or so. He waited, comfortable in the bed until sitting up to stick to their usual Tuesday routine. Something in his brain told him that showing Jongin these things were important to him was a good idea.
The Chinese food came before Jongin did, but as Sehun was setting up the dining room table at close to midnight, the front door opened with an unmistakable sound of Jongin’s keys. Sehun went stiff, tears immediately rolling down his face at the breath of relief for him to even come back. He turned around, staring at his boyfriend who unravelled the scarf from around his neck to meet Sehun’s tear stained face. Red stripes down the pale cheeks only growing stronger with fresh new tears.
Sehun always felt his heart skip a beat when he saw Jongin, even when they fought like this (which is rare truthfully, despite him wanting to always tear them apart he hated fighting). Jongin’s sun-kissed skin, brown soft fond eyes, full plush lips that looked a little raw from Jongin’s habit of biting against them. His nose and cheeks looked a little red, Sehun would’ve said it was from the cold but the redness of Jongin’s eyes told a separate story of tears and sadness.
“Sehun?” Jongin’s deeper voice called to him, approaching him as Sehun felt his heart race triple in his chest. “I love you,” he blurted, in the middle of Jongin walking over to him. His actions ceased, eyes watery now as he stared at Sehun. “What?” Sehun took a shaky breath, standing absolutely still in his spot.
“I love you more than anything in this world, I’d die for you. You’re so perfect in every single aspect. I’m right for you when I’m not being insecure. I get so scared of the thought of you going away or me giving you my all and it not being enough. I’m horrible to you, you get scared that I don’t love you and you ask me where you stand with me. What type of boyfriend am I if you have to ask me where you stand with me?,” his vision was blurry with tears now, hands quickly wiping the constant stream of tears away, but he continued before Jongin could get in a word. “I’d die for you, I love you, I’m sorry for being a horrible boyfriend to you in not showing you how I truly feel for you. Or telling you, please don’t leave me. Please, please Jongin please.”
Jongin still stood in the same place as before with tears cascading down his face until he slowly started walking over to him. A hiccup passed Sehun’s thin pink lips now, he felt pretty pathetic to have to be standing here in front of Jongin like this. All of this because he’s a coward, a coward and a bad boyfriend to him, all because he was too scared to show him the love Jongin deserved fully.
Jongin was so close to him now he could feel the shaky breath of the other against him until arms wrapped around his neck to bring Sehun to him in a hug he had never endured before. Jongin’s body shook with cries while Sehun was quick to reciprocate. Face nestled in his special spot, the crook of Jongin’s neck, lathering wet kisses to it.
“I love everything we do, I love our Tuesday nights and movie night Friday’s, date Saturday’s. Making your tea, kissing your nose to see it crinkle up, seeing your sleepy face in the mornings and holding you until I can hear your breath even out to sleep in the night. Holding your hand in public, watching you dance, making you blush, kissing you until we’re breathless, everything about you and us. I’m so stupidly in love with you Kim Jongin. Don’t leave me.”
Sehun shakily got out, feeling himself get pulled back to meet a grinning Jongin who had tears leaving his eyes. “I’m not leaving.” The other finally spoke out, making Sehun let out a breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding. Thumbs dragged against the soft skin of Jongin’s cheekbones, wiping the hot tears away. “I love you.” Sehun mumbled, watching Jongin light up like he had never seen his boyfriend before.
“And I love you, I forgive you for everything. Let’s eat okay?” Jongin said softly, Sehun nodded, dropping his hand to hold Jongin’s as they sat down. Their hands stayed intertwined together throughout the course of the meal. Thumbs brushing along one another’s knuckles, exchanging soft shy glances at one another until Jongin spoke. “You’d die for me?” Sehun chuckled now, red color dusting his cheeks and across his nose. “Yeah, I’d die for you.” Jongin turning over to Sehun, squeezing his hand as his nose wrinkled up. “Lucky for you, there’s no need to die for me. I love you, I want you here with me.”
Sehun only smiled, leaning over to his boyfriend to press a soft chaste kiss to his mouth, although it was short he let his lips linger, whispering quiet against them, “and I love you.”