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Ryo dreams of heat and blood. Of combat. The thrill of destruction, of disobedience. Of glory.
This is the only time he feels alive, feels worthy of life. This is what he was born for.
It was still dark out. Good, he hadn't slept too long. Ryo was aware that he should get more sleep, but his dreams haunted him, and he avoided them as much as he could.
At least this one hadn't been too bad. Blood and adrenaline were crucial to his plans, after all.
The moon, nearly full, peered at him from between the curtains. Ryo stared up at it for a moment, disgusted. Something about the moon never failed to irritate him. The way it hung there, silently watching.
He sat up, aware that he was being ridiculous. Even that slight movement sent pain shooting through him; his leg was still recovering from where it had been crushed a few nights earlier. Stupid demons. They weren't supposed to go after him.
At least everything else had gone smoothly.
"Ryo, you're awake!"
Ah. Akira was here. He shouldn't be surprised. Akira was one of the few constants in his life.
Warm arms wrapped around him. "I was so worried!"
Akira had hugged him plenty of times before, but they had been tiny, weak things compared to this. Now his body was much larger, warmer... and much stronger. Much, much stronger.
"Akira, stop," he coughed. The last thing he needed was a cracked rib to match his femur.
Akira let go of him instantly. "I'm sorry, you're still recovering... I shouldn't have squeezed you so hard."
"No, you shouldn't have."
"Guess I don't know my own strength any more." He grinned lopsidedly for a moment, then his expression fell. "I thought the demons had killed you, Ryo. I grabbed you and ran to the nearest hospital, I didn't know what else to do..."
"That was fine. As you can see, I'm not dead."
The grin returned, and Akira hugged him again, gentler this time. "Ryo..." His voice trailed off, replaced by a quiet sniffle.
"Don't cry."
Akira nodded against his shoulder, but Ryo could feel the tears soaking through the fabric of his shirt. "Akira, I said don't cry."
"But... You had to endure all that, because I wasn't able to protect you."
Ryo's pride flared up. He did not need protection, not from anything. He roughly shoved Akira away. "It's fine."
"Don't worry, though," Akira continued, as if nothing had happened, "It's all gonna be different now. I won't let anything hurt you, not anymore. I promise."
He huffed, irritated. "Whatever, I'm fine. It's just a broken leg. It'll heal."
Akira pulled away, smiling through his tears. "You're so strong, Ryo."
"Someone has to be," Ryo answered, his voice flat. "Anyway. There's more important things to talk about than my leg. How are you feeling?"
"I'm hungry all the time. People won't leave me alone at school. But I run faster, and I knocked a door off its hinges on accident. So that was cool." He shrugged.
Interesting. Not exactly helpful information, but it was a start."Anything else?"
"Uh..." Akira's voice trailed off as he thought. "Well, I feel more on edge, I guess. And I get really angry sometimes.Do you think that's the demon, too?"
"Maybe. It could just be the fact that the world is a piece of shit." In Ryo's mind, any sensible person would be angry. He certainly was. For as long as he could remember, he'd been angry. Angry at the world, at people, at the god who'd made it all.
"Ryo! That's not true!"
"Okay, then it's the demon. What difference does it make?"
"I guess it doesn't."
Ryo dreams of feathers and flight. Of freedom. Light that goes on forever, warmth, belonging.
He hates it.
Ryo sat at on the sofa with his laptop, editing a video. The light from the two moons shone bright enough to cast a glare on his screen.
He scowled. That window really needed a curtain. He'd have to remember to tell Jenny to order one.
Or had he already done that? He suddenly wasn't sure.
His scowl deepened. Everything always felt so damned familiar. The feeling wasn't fleeting like deja vu. It was something that had plagued him his entire life, with varying degrees of intensity. It felt like everything he did was scripted. Like he was trapped. No matter what he did, he couldn't escape. The very thought of escape was ridiculous. There was nothing, there could be nothing, outside of the script.
Most of the time, he could ignore it. But sometimes the feeling was so strong that he wanted to throw himself against the walls. To scream against the very idea of fate. To writhe and wail, punch and kill, until he fought his way out of the trap he was in, or died trying.
Angry determination rose within him. He would escape.
If he had to kill everyone in the world to do it, he would succeed. Humans were expendable, lives were meant to end. All that mattered was that this feeling, this pressure, ended.
Akira, seated across from him, was speaking. Even without listening, Ryo knew what he'd said. He was talking about his most recent fight; just following the script.
And so did Ryo, unable to do anything else. He snapped his laptop shut and interrupted Akira. "What do you want?"
Confused, Akira blinked and stared at him. "What?"
"Tell me. What do you want? What drives you? I'm changing the world. What are you doing?"
"Uh... Saving people from demons?"
"Why?"
"Because I don't want people to get hurt?" He said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
How many times had Ryo heard that answer out of him, that tone of voice? How did Akira not understand? That sort of thinking was a waste. A waste of resources, a waste of time. "People will get hurt with or without your influence. They'll die with or without demons around. So why?"
Akira frowned. "Ryo, it's... It's the right thing to do. I thought you wanted to fight the demons, too?"
Ryo shook his head. "I want people to be aware. To defend themselves. That's why I took you to the Sabbath."
"Huh?"
"You were weak, Akira. The weakest person I've ever met. You wouldn't have stood a chance. But now you do. You're strong, and you can defend yourself."
Akira sighed and shook his head. "Sometimes I don't even feel like me anymore."
He'd heard that, too, too many times. Ryo sneered at him, "You're still weak, then. Go fight and eat and fuck and regain yourself. It's not complicated. Even beasts manage that much. Even demons."
"Ryo, what's wrong with you?"
"Nothing's wrong with me. The world is what's wrong. And we're going to fix it."
Ryo dreams of p ain. Searing, unbearable. Then nothing. For one blissful second there is pure oblivion.
And then there's the pain of consciousness. Again.
Again, again, again. Inescapable.
The moons followed him as if they were hunting. Ryo stopped in his tracks on the sidewalk and turned towards a nearby convenience store.
"You're hungry, aren't you? Let's get something."
Akira nodded. He was always hungry.
As soon as they stepped inside, Ryo breathed a sigh of relief. Being indoors, away from the sky, helped. He grabbed a basket and headed towards the back of the store, as far away from the windows as he could. "Come on, then."
"You should get something, too."
"I'm not hungry."
"Ryo, you need to eat."
Akira always worried about him, it seemed. But he only worried about the banalities of life. Was Ryo eating enough? Was he sleeping enough? How was his leg doing?
There were far more important things to be concerned about. Like the sickening sense of familiarity that lingered in his mind. Like his increasing sense of dread,the fear that he had forgotten something. Something important. Something fundamental.
Ryo tossed a few random items into the basket, trying not to think about it.
Akira followed along behind him. "Do you believe in free will?" he asked, suddenly.
"What the fuck kind of question is that?"
"Well, we were talking about it in class today, and--"
Ryo stopped and glared at him. "No. The very idea of free will is a joke. Life is some stupid game, played by assholes. We're all pawns."
Akira's face fell. "That's sad, Ryo."
"It's the way it is."
"You really think so? You don't think that anything we do matters?"
"No. We're all trapped here, trapped until we die." It wasn't exactly what Ryo believed, but he didn't want to talk about it. Not here, not now. One day he'd tell Akira the real nature of his plans. Once he knew that it would work. And then, they'd escape together.
"It's a stupid thing to talk about, anyway. Let's go."
Ryo dreams of hope. This time, there may be mercy.
He's suffered. He's paid. Surely he's paid enough.
Four moons lit the sky, and Ryo fought the urge to scream. He was at home, safe. But still, looking up at the night sky terrified him. It made him feel small and insignificant, like nothing he did mattered.
And that couldn't be true. Ryo Asuka, the man who was a renowned professor at eighteen, the man who was the foremost authority on demons, mattered the most. He was changing the world. That fact was undeniable.
His laptop sat in front of him, multiple social media accounts open at once. He tabbed between them, filling boxes with carefully worded comments. With vitriol wrapped in a guise of sensibility. His words were the pebble that started the avalanche, and soon everyone would be buried under the weight of their fear.
Humans were so easy to manipulate. And so completely blind to the consequences.
But Ryo could clearly see the goal before him. He was going to keep pushing at the world, keep bending it, until it broke. And then he'd be free.
Akira sat across from him, oblivious, eating his third entire roasted chicken. "Have you ever been in love, Ryo?"
Ryo didn't know where that thought had come from, and he didn't want to. "Love isn't real," he answered. "It's all just hormones, to make you feel better about this shit hole called life."
"But I love all sorts of people. My parents, and the Makimuras... I even love you, Ryo. You're my best friend."
"You're an idiot, Akira." It was too hard to focus when he was saying such stupid things. Things that were wrong, things that hurt, inexplicably.
Akira just laughed softly. "I know saying that kinda stuff is hard for you, Ryo. It's okay. I know you love me, because I'm your best friend, too."
Love wasn't real. Ryo knew that better than anyone. All it was, was pain and lies. People said that God loved all His creations. That God was infinitely merciful. But that was the biggest lie of all. God hated the demons, His failed first attempt at creation. And God hated him. This conversation was proof of that. This pain, caused by three simple words.
"Shut up, Akira."
Ryo dreams and he forgets .
A human couldn't live with the knowledge, and it's very important, to someone, that he is human.
Ryo sighed and collapsed onto the sofa. He was so tired.It wasn't supposed to be like this.
Akira sat next to him, staring out at the sky. "Do you think there are rabbits on the moons, Ryo?"
"No. That's a stupid story for children."
Akira frowned, "But look, Ryo, the shape--"
"It's only shadows, Akira. You know that. Nothing lives there."
"They're beautiful, though."
Ryo glanced over at him and shook his head. That was Akira, always sentimental.
"Don't you think they're beautiful, Ryo?"
"I hate them."
Akira smiled back at him, full of warmth. "But that doesn't make them not beautiful."
"They're empty."
Akira's smile widened as if he'd won. "Still. You haven't said they're not beautiful."
Of course they were beautiful, and that made it worse. They were cold and dead.
Besides, he was certain, somehow, that there shouldn't be so many. Maybe they were rabbits, multiplying on their own. Stupid. It made him angry to think about, so he closed his eyes and didn't.
"Nothing that awful deserves to be called beautiful," Ryo spat. Real beauty was warmth. Tenderness.
Akira's gaze shifted from the sky, and he stared at Ryo. He spoke quietly, "You're cold, but that doesn't mean you're not beautiful."
Ryo's breath caught. It was the sort of thing Akira said sometimes, unthinking. It didn't mean anything. But it still hurt, the words sharp as glass. And even if Akira did mean something by it, what could Ryo do? Say something in return? That was impossible. He couldn't. Not now, not ever.
Anger welled up inside him, almost blinding. He wanted to scream. Claw at his own skin, rip himself to pieces and end his damnable charade of an existence. Why did he always feel like this? Like he was trapped? All he had to do was speak. Not even speak. Just reach out. Do anything besides sit there.
He didn't move.
This kind, gentle soul, strong and determined enough to subdue even the most powerful of demons, cared about him. In what capacity, Ryo didn't know. But Akira was always there, no matter what.
And Ryo wasn't going to do a damn thing about it.
"Ryo?"
"What."
"It's okay. You can let it out."
No, he couldn't. "I don't have anything to let out, Akira."
"Okay." He didn't sound mad, or hurt. Instead, tears dripping down his face, Akira smiled up at the moons like they were sharing a secret.
Ryo dreams of a voice, soft and caring.
"Are you okay?"
He isn't. He never has been, not in his five years of life that feel like an eternity.
A hand reaches for him. The hand of someone who sees him as an equal, as a friend.
And then he is embraced, and he falls.
Again. And again.
He is no stranger to falling, but it hurts more than it should. It makes his chest ache and his head spin.
I t never stops hurting.
Everything came flooding back at once. The glory, the pain, the torment. Part of Ryo wondered how he could ever have forgotten something so immense. And part of him was simply overcome with joy.
The being that had been called Ryo Asuka stared up into the sky.
The moons hung there, staring back at him, empty and unfeeling as ever. He shuddered, then grew angry at himself. He had no reason to be afraid. He was first amongst demons, first amongst all the creatures of this miserable world.
Everything made sense now. The anger, the blood lust. They were, in many ways, truly his birthright.
Beneath him, humanity died, as it should. Scores of demons died as well, loyal soldiers all. Somewhere in that chaos was Akira. He wouldn't die. Ryo had made sure of that, one of his many triumphs.
His ultimate triumph, though, was still to come. Ryo played the scenario over in his mind. Akira would come up the hill to the precipice where they'd first met. He'd be so happy to see that Ryo had been spared. And Ryo would welcome him, with his whole being, for the first time. With all of his radiance, his power. Akira would be shocked. Humbled. But to him, and him alone amongst the wretches of the world, Ryo would be kind. They would stand side by side, equals.
Akira would be upset at first, of course. He was only human, and could be shown some small mercy. But Ryo would show him how much better the world was now, a home for the strong. Akira would understand eventually. He had all of eternity to come to an understanding.
And then they would be partners. He and Akira would rule over the chaos together, indulging as they saw fit, beholden to no one, no law, no destiny.
Ryo smiled.
Even if the armies of God challenged him now, he would triumph. For Akira. Ryo wouldn't let anything hurt him. Nothing would ever come between them again.
Ryo dreams of certainty. Of a world that repeats itself, endlessly, over and over, unchanging.
It all falls apart.
Again.
Again.
Again.
It had failed. Ryo watched the stars fall to earth; stars made of angels, the armies of Heaven. They'd come for him, eventually. But first, they'd wipe out everything. Scour all traces of life from the Earth, leave it barren and empty.
He'd be forced to watch it all, knowing that it was his actions that had led to the apocalypse.
Ryo sneered up at the stars. If they thought that would hurt him, they were mistaken. The only thing he'd ever truly cared about had already been lost, destroyed by his own hands.
Again.
Running a hand across Akira's mangled chest, Ryo fought back tears. This was always going to happen. He knew that now. He had been born simply so that he would die crying, all his feelings left unsaid. This was his destiny. His punishment. It always had been, and it always would be.
The most brilliant angel, the most powerful of demons, reduced to nothing but a crying human. A world and countless lives destroyed, for the sake of a lesson he wasn't allowed to remember. He wasn't meant to change, he was meant to suffer.
And he did suffer. Angel or not, his chest ached and his head throbbed and his lungs burned.
It had all been meaningless.
This sweet, kind man, had been born simply to hurt him. It filled Ryo with pain, and rage. Akira deserved better. Deserved more. Deserved life. Deserved, at the very least, an apology.
But that was not meant to be. Fate didn't go that way. God didn't want him to have even the slightest bit of comfort.
Ryo knew he didn't deserve comfort; he accepted his punishment. But he couldn't bear for Akira to suffer as well.
He summoned all his remaining power, and rebelled.
Again.
For one moment, one crystalline second, everything shattered. At first he thought it was the armies of Heaven, come for him. But no; it was like breaking a mirror from behind. One moment there was nothing, and the next, his mind was full of shining reflections of what was beyond the cage he had earned for himself.
Light.
Pain.
Choice.
He grabbed hold of it, no longer wishing to brandish it like a weapon, no longer wanting to burn his way through the world. All that choice could offer him now was a small attempt at making things right, but he took it gladly.
Ryo looked down at the body of the man who had been his best friend, his only friend. With a sincerity in his voice that almost startled him, he finally gave voice to the emotions that had been bottled inside him for centuries. "Akira... I love you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry..."
Ryo dreams of being alone.
It's too late for him to do the right thing. Far too late. But he does what he can.
It's never enough. Akira dies again. Again. Again.
And Ryo sobs out his confession, while waiting to die.
He woke in a cold sweat. The nightmare was fresh in his mind, blood and suffering without end. And Akira's body, limp in his arms. He'd been on the verge of telling him how he felt, of telling him how important he was, and then he was dead. Ryo felt his throat clench at the memory.
"Ryo?"
He wasn't dead. He was here, his face lit by the bright light of the moons. Of course he was here. Somehow, whenever Ryo was in distress, Akira knew, and came for him. "Are you okay, Ryo?"
Ryo nodded. "Yeah. Just a bad dream."
"I came by to check on you, and you were here on the sofa, shouting in your sleep."
He struggled to an upright position, and shrugged, "I must have fallen asleep while I was working."
"You should get more rest."
"Probably." He sighed, and shuddered, remembering his dream. He should say something. Now, while they were both safe together. "Hey, Akira?"
"Yeah?"
"I..." But he couldn't say it. He wanted to. He needed to make sure Akira knew how he felt, in case anything happened. But at the same time, it was too hard, too terrifying. Ryo looked away, eyes narrowed. "It's nothing."
Akira settled beside him, wrapping an arm around his shoulder. "It's okay, Ryo. It was just a dream." He smiled warmly and punched Ryo playfully on the shoulder, "C'mon, it can't have been worse than that weird party, right?"
He may have had a demon's body, but Akira's heart was kind and his soul was pure. He was good. Ryo knew that no matter what he did, he would never, ever deserve him.
But to be human was to struggle, wasn't it? Wasn't that what Akira always said, when he talked about running? That it wasn't about being the best, it was about overcoming your limits.
It had always sounded like crap to Ryo, but right now... maybe there was some truth to it, after all.
He took a deep breath, and pushed his fears to the side. "Akira... I'm sorry."
"What? Why?"
"For everything. You deserve so much better."
Akira blinked, confused. "Ryo? What are you talking about?"
"I'd burn the world for you, Akira. But that's not what you want, is it? I never thought about that. I only thought about what I wanted. So... I'm sorry. Sorry I brought you into this whole mess."
"Huh? This isn't your fault, Ryo. I wanted to help you. And help other people, and fight the demons."
Ryo shook his head. Now that he'd started, the words kept tumbling out of him. "I don't care about anyone else, Akira. I only care if you live. Even if the demons win. Even if everyone else in the world dies, I need to make sure you stay alive. Because that would make me happy. You understand, don't you?"
"I don't."
"Do you remember the night at the Sabbath?"
"Yeah. Well, mostly."
"I killed people, Akira. I broke a bottle and I stabbed them, and I don't care."
Akira scowled, "You didn't do it for fun, or anything, Ryo. And you didn't kill them, the demons did. You were trying to save people, in your own way."
Ryo sighed. "You're so naive."
"And you're... Goddamn it, Ryo. I believe in you. I believe that there's good in you."
"There's nothing in me, Akira."
"Don't say that. You trust me, don't you? Then listen to me." Akira pulled him into a hug, tight and warm. "Ryo, I've known you for a long time, haven't I? I guess you think you tricked me, somehow, into doing this demon thing. But I went with you to that party because I wanted to be there for you. To help you. And that's why I'm here now." His voice was warm, forgiving, full of his familiar gentleness.
Gentleness, and all that accompanied it, was something that had never existed in Ryo, and he was acutely aware of that fact. "I'm not good, Akira."
"You're good enough."
The words broke something small and neglected in Ryo, cracked it wide open. Tears welled up in his eyes, and his voice was small. "It hurts, Akira. I hurt." Part of his mind sneered at the weakness, but he didn't care anymore. It did hurt. It had always hurt, for as long as he could remember, and he was so tired of it.
Akira's arms wrapped around him, rubbed circles against his back. "Just let it out, Ryo. I won't tell anybody."
And Ryo obeyed. For the first time in nearly an eternity, he admitted to himself that someone was stronger than he was, and surrendered.
He nodded buried his face against Akira's neck and cried, huge wracking sobs that shook his body and stole his voice.
I love you and I need you and I want you here with me and I'll do whatever it takes and it'll never be enough and I'm scared and it hurts and you're too good, too good for this world and too good for me and I know it and I don't care, just please... please don't go... it hurts... I'm lonely and I fucked up and you're the only thing that matters...
Eventually the sobs became soft sniffles, and he sighed.
Akira smiled reassuringly at him, brushing the tears from his cheeks with the back of his hand. "Sounds like you needed to do that for a while."
"I think I did. So... thanks."
"Anytime."
Ryo dreams of forgiveness.
Time passes.
The future isn't written in stone.
Something may yet be different. Something small, but big enough to change his life.
Ryo Asuka was cold, selfish, manipulative. He was fiercely intelligent, and valued his pride too highly. Stubborn. Disobedient. Charismatic. Callous. Dangerous.
And he was completely, inescapably, in love.
It softened out the roughest of his edges, and gave him someone to consider other than himself. He knew this, and was grateful for it.
So when Akira begged him to go outside, to sit at the edge of the pool, even though it was the dead of night, Ryo agreed.
"The moon is really pretty tonight, isn't it?"
Its reflection shone brightly on the water, surrounded by the glittering belts of dust that scientists believed had once been other moons.
"It is."
Akira grinned at him, and dipped a toe into the water, disrupting the image with ripples."Look, Ryo. I touched the moon."
Ryo shook his head. How could he still be so playful, so silly, after everything that had happened? It was amazing, and it made his chest ache almost unbearably. "You sure did."
"That blob on the moon, it looks like a rabbit, doesn't it?"
"Not really."
"Aww, Ryo. Come on. Imagine."
"There's no rabbit on the moon. If there was, it would die from lack of oxygen."
Akira set his face into a pout, then laughed. "You know, it wouldn't kill you to be a little more sentimental sometimes, Ryo."
He raised an eyebrow. "Oh? And what sort of sentiment should I express?"
"Uh, I don't know. Whatever you want."
Ryo looked over at him, studying him for a moment. Akira had always been soft. Soft of temperament, soft of body. Now, after fusing with the demon, it was a strange juxtaposition, his sweet nature combined with his powerful, imposing frame. Or it should have been. But instead, when Akira was relaxed like he was now, even his demonic body seemed less threatening. His spirit was just that overwhelming.
Ryo found himself smiling, considering his options. It was true that he loved Akira. He had for as long as he could remember. But he'd never felt the need to say so. He wasn't sure how Akira would react, and didn't want to scare him away.
Then again, if fighting demons, if becoming a demon, hadn't scared him off...
"All right. What if I did this, then?" Ryo threw away his caution, his plans, his fear. He leaned in, brushing his lips against Akira's.
They were dry, but his weren't much better. Akira jumped a little bit, startled, and banged his nose against Ryo's cheek.
"Ryo?"
"Shh." Ryo closed his eyes, and kissed him.
The kiss embodied everything he associated with Akira, compressed into one simple moment. It was soft, warm, slightly awkward. Above everything else, it was comfortable. Like they'd been meant to do this, meant to be together.
Ryo laughed to himself; that really was sentimental, and ridiculous besides. Completely unlike him. He couldn't find it in himself to mind.
He tried to break away after a moment, not wanting to press his luck, but Akira's hands curled around the sides of his head, pulling him back in. Ryo couldn't help but wonder if it was just the demon in him, spurring him on. It was hard for Akira to resist biological urges. But Ryo couldn't bring himself to pull away again.
He kissed Akira back, just as hard, just as desperate, moving close enough that he was straddling Akira's lap, pressed against him chest to chest. Akira was breathing hard, hard enough that Ryo could feel the rise and fall of his chest against his own, and his head began to swim. He was so warm, and so close. He wrapped his arms around Akira's shoulders and opened his mouth wider, eager to deepen the kiss.
And then suddenly, Akira stopped, staring at him with wide eyes and red face. "Ryo?"
"Hmm?" He tried not to feel too disappointed at the loss of contact.
"Why?"
Ryo couldn't help but notice that Akira hadn't made any effort to push him away. He was still seated on Akira's lap, arms around his neck. He grinned. "That's a silly question. Why does someone usually kiss another person?"
Akira turned redder and shrunk in on himself slightly. "Dunno."
"Then I suppose it's an eternal mystery."
"Ryo! Don't be like that."
The amount of confidence he felt surprised him. It was like his whole life had been building up to this moment. He smiled wide, no longer teasing. "It's because I love you, Akira. I have for a long time."
Akira managed to turn even more red. "Oh. Really?"
"Really. I know I'm not very good at showing it. But I truly do. You're amazing, Akira. You're everything that's right with the world."
"You're not joking?"
"No, I am not joking."
Akira's face broke into a wide smile. "I... I love you too, Ryo. You should know that already. I'd do anything for you."
Maybe, somewhere deep within him, he had known. Maybe that's why this all felt so right. "Yeah. Me too, Akira. I'd do anything for you, too."
"Promise?"
"I promise."
Akira grinned, a lopsided grin that wrinkled his nose. "Then kiss me again."
Ryo obliged, and Akira returned the kiss sweetly. There was nothing of the demon in it at all. There was only Akira, through and through.
A feeling that Ryo barely recognized washed over him. It wasn't love, although that was there, bright and burning, his body aching with the strength of it. It wasn't simple happiness, or hope. This was something that he hadn't felt in a very long time.
Ryo sleeps, peaceful and dreamless.
Content.