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Fifteen days feels like a lifetime. Hannah didn't know time could move so slowly outside of running an op, where every life-threatening second could last several lifetimes. But between Amir calling her from Beirut and the day of his arrival, Hannah's pretty sure there are several long, long years of torment.
Part of it is excitement. She's pretty sure that's all of it for the first little while. But it makes her antsy, and excitement creeps toward something like anxiety. She keeps it at bay as best she can, with work and daily visits to the gym (sometimes twice), and binging shows on Netflix she's seen approximately ten times already.
And talking to him.
Weirdly, that part seems to help. He's calming, even when he's dealing with his own issues, his voice smooth and warm and...safe. He's safe, which makes no sense because he's definitely the most dangerous person she's ever been involved with. But Hannah has other aspects of her psyche to evaluate obsessively, so she lets her taste in men slide. For now.
She dreams about him almost nightly. It's becoming a problem. Because she dreams of Colombia, of his smile, of his mouth--God, his mouth--of having him inside her. And Hannah always wakes up panting and wet and aching. It's not like she's a stranger to sex. She's not prude. But she's never felt so out of control, so needy.
Amir calls in the middle of the night, the phone startling her out of her dream. They'd decided that calling whenever they could was better than trying to coordinate a schedule, so it wasn't unusual. But he's never woken her up before.
"Hey," she greets, and she can feel him pause. Shit, of course he'd know. And Hannah blushes, which is an all together unfamiliar feeling.
"Are you okay?" he asks.
"Yeah! I'm fine," Hannah assures him, too cheery, to quick.
"Hannah." Amir sounds amused, which doesn't help the blushing. "I can call back."
She groans into her pillow. "No, it's fine."
To his credit, he immediately lets it go, and they have an actual conversation. About the most recent case, about him finally seeing the on-base therapist, about how he and Jaz had beat Dalton and McG at beach soccer. Calm.
"Hey," he says as they're saying goodbye. "I think about you too, you know."
Hannah takes breath. "Good to know," she murmurs, smiling coyly. "Goodnight, Amir."
She doesn't wait for the impending dream to make herself come. His voice in her ear is more than enough.
**
She gets more anxious after that, and it doesn't help that they're squeezing one more mission in before everyone goes home. She's jittery, and Patricia notices. It's not impacting her work at all,she's just more mobile than usual. But the director kindly suggests she talk to someone. Hannah promises to do just that (her standing appointment is in a few days anyway), and they don't speak about it again.
Hannah skips her appointment, because she doesn't have the mental capacity to dissect herself, because dammit, she just wants to be excited Amir is coming home. Can't she just have that?
Amir calls two days before he's due to come back. He sounds tired, no doubt from the stress of the mission, and she just wants to give him a hug.
"So, are you coming to the airport or am I meeting you?" he asks, because they haven't had the chance to solidify details yet (and honestly, Hannah's been avoiding them).
"I'll pick you up." That decision alone sends her anxiety from a reasonable 4 to at least a 7. Because it'll be real, and she has no idea what to expect. What if he wants to kiss her? What if there are a million people around? What if there's nothing between them and all these months of phone calls and emails fall flat in reality?
"Let me know if you change your mind, okay? No pressure." And the way he says it makes her positive he means it, somehow.
"Okay, I will." She's not sure if she means it or not. The idea of backing out on him seems incredibly humiliating.
"I'll see you tomorrow."
Fifteen days suddenly doesn't feel like long enough.
**
Hannah drives to Reagan and gets there way too early. The airport is only a stone's throw from her condo, but sitting at home was making her infinitely more anxious. She's checked his flight info reflexively every thirty minutes since he'd gotten on his connecting flight out of Frankfurt, could recite the flight number and the arrival information by heart. It hasn't calmed her nerves at all.
She waits outside of customs, tucked into a corner, out of the way of everyone else. It's not terribly crowded, but it's enough to set her on edge. Hannah doesn't really do crowds.
Amir materializes and she'd almost miss him if she wasn't looking so hard. The invisible man strikes again, she thinks to herself, before he's standing in front of her with an easy smile.
"Can I hug you?" The fact that he asks throws her off a bit, but she nods, stepping into his arms, and it feels just as easy and safe as anything else.
"Welcome home," she whispers into his collar, which smells faintly like stale air and desert sand, but also like him. "I missed you."
"The feeling is definitely mutual."
**
They drive to his hotel in Pentagon City in less than 20 minutes. Hannah still feels a little uneasy, but it's all in her head and she knows it.
"I'm just going to run up and change," he offers after he's checked in, and she realizes she's been thinking about his hotel room, about being totally alone with him in a room not dissimilar from the room in Bogota. And him easily making the decision to have her wait in the lobby settles her immediately. She wants to hug him again. Instead, Hannah smiles and nods.
He's been gone for less than two minutes when her phone buzzes to a text from him.
We can go to your place for dinner instead, if you'd like.
They'd discussed restaurant options, but it's 6pm on a weekday and everything is going to be a mess. Of course Amir knows this. Of course he does. And he'd known it before he'd left her in the lobby, but texting is easier. Hannah's really not sure how someone like Amir exists, but she's increasingly grateful.
That sounds nice. We can order in. I won't expect you to cook for me just yet. ;)
When he reappears, Hannah can't resist kissing his cheek and sliding her hand into his. She doesn't let go until they're back at the car. He doesn't seem to mind at all.
**
The anxious feeling comes back after dinner. Hannah hasn't had anyone at her place at all, let alone someone she's actually interested in, and with dinner behind them, 'more' just feels inevitable. He's helping her clean up when she catches him just watching her.
"What?"
"Come here." He's still studying her and it makes Hannah feeling incredibly vulnerable. Still, she moves closer to him, until they're toe to toe in her kitchen.
"Do I have something on my face? Something in my teeth?" she jokes weakly. Amir reaches for her hand and brushes his thumb over her wrist before skimming his palm up to her elbow. It makes her shudder.
"Hannah." He waits for her to look at him, which takes more than a few seconds. "I'm not sleeping with you tonight."
She blinks, his words startling her. "You're...not? Why not?"
"Because I just got here, because we've shared one meal together, because we have two months to do whatever we want. Because we're not ready," he says simply, calm and collected and still stroking her skin, the pad of his thumb finding the crook of her elbow. It's making her incredibly warm. He's making her incredibly warm. And that warmth feels comfortable now.
"But we already..."
"We did. And it was...incredible. But this is different. And it doesn't matter. You can always say no to me, you don't need a reason. Tonight, I just want to be with you," Amir says. "If that's okay with you."
"I...yeah." Hannah nods,the last of her anxiety draining out of her, leaving her feeling weak and more than a little breathless.
"Okay. Good. Go sit and I'll bring you some water." Amir squeezes her arm before letting go and Hannah goes to the living room and sinks onto the couch, wondering if maybe she's dreaming all of this up.
**
They watch a movie, but Hannah's not paying any attention. She's leaning against him, her head on his shoulder, and Amir is periodically kissing the top of her head. She toys with his fingers over the blanket, tracing them with her own, and it's making her a little dizzy, but in a good, non-anxious way, thinking about kissing him.
"Why'd you tell me earlier?" Hannah asks, because it feels easier to talk about it when they're not face to face.
"Because you couldn't stop worrying about it and you probably weren't going to tell me no," Amir replies simply. "Which I understand but...you need to be able to tell me no. Before we have sex. Again."
"Why? I mean...Okay,I realize that's a stupid question. Humor me?" Hannah's really starting to think skipping therapy this week was the worst idea. She debates making an emergency appointment for tomorrow.
Amir hums and shifts slightly. "Aside from the obvious...Because Mexico was just one op. Because I'm not stupid and I can almost guarantee you that there are plenty of psychological scars I can't see, because your job was not to say no. Your job was to do whatever it took to get what was needed. And I need this to be as far away from that as humanly possible. And so do you."
Hannah doesn't talk about her other scars, the ones Amir had apparently found anyway. They hadn't physically hurt her like the knife did, but he was right,the scars were there all the same. Drug lords and money launderers who expected any woman in their presence to bend to their will, who viewed her as a commodity or a conquest and nothing more.
"And I..." Amir starts again, but he stops and Hannah feels the way his breathing changes. She squeezes his hand but stays quiet, waiting. "I had to do things too. I hurt people...killed people. And I really need to not hurt you. Okay?"
Hannah sits up enough to look at him. As she studies his face in the blue light of the TV, she sees a hint of what lurks beyond Amir's calm, cool exterior, and it makes her chest ache the same way it had talking to him the first night in Beirut.
"Okay," she agrees hoarsely. She kisses his cheek, his beard tickling her skin,but she stays there anyway, savoring the fact that he's here, that she doesn't have to hang up the phone or say goodnight or wonder if he's coming home at all. "Thank you."
"You don't have to thank me."
"I know, but I want to." Hannah rested her chin on his shoulder, nuzzling his jaw, breathing him in. "I'll work on saying no....but can I ask for something instead in the meantime?"
Amir's chuckle sounds a little lower than usual, a little ragged, and Hannah can't help but feel triumphant. He doesn't give things up easily and knowing she's having any sort of impact on him at all makes her feel powerful.
"You can ask me anything."
"Will you kiss me?" Looking back, Hannah realizes she's never asked anyone that in her life. And she wonders why because the look on Amir's face is totally worth it.
It's nothing like the hotel in Colombia, not hurried or desperate, there's no ulterior motive, no adrenaline. It's just them. He kisses her softly, cradling her cheek in his palm, his lips moving over hers without looking for more. She braces her hand on his chest, her fingers curling into the soft, woolly fabric of his sweater, her lips parting on a sigh as his thumb trails her jaw. Amir's tongue flicks just barely into her mouth and Hannah shivers, the barest moan spilling from her throat. He pulls away and she actively has to fight not to chase him. She's not entirely successful.
"Hannah..." He laughs softly, his hand sliding from her cheek to her neck, his thumb barely grazing her throat. She swallows and he groans and Hannah feels like she might actually melt.
"Sorry."
"Don't be sorry. Not about this. You're a really good kisser. I think I forgot."
For some reason, that makes her giggle and press closer to him. "You too. We should do it again, if that's okay?"
"That sounds like a very, very good idea," Amir agrees, and she's already leaning into him again.
Fifteen days may have felt like a lifetime, but Hannah's pretty sure the next sixty will go by in the blink of an eye. She plans on savoring every last second, just like this.