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Yoongi walks into the apartment being greeted by silence he still has a lot of getting used to to do. He hates it. The silence is deafening, almost unbearable. It is a reminder of everything they’ve lost.
But he needs to also remind himself that whoever was waiting for him is still there waiting for him to come home.
Home used to echo with laughter and singing vibrating through the walls, like air through lungs. Home used to breath and live and wrap around Yoongi like a warm blanket of comfort the moment he steps into the boundaries that was theirs, just theirs.
“How was work today?” Jungkook had his arm twisting around Yoongi’s waist pulling him closer before he could get any further than the entrance. He felt the younger’s warm chest and heart against his.
“Tiring,” Yoongi admitted, letting out a sigh that’s been buried in his chest. It came out with relief. Relief to return back to his love. He leaned in a little for a soft kiss. “But I’m here with you now.”
Jungkook smiled. The same dewy smile that has Yoongi’s heart wrenching with pain since the first time, the love too heavy for his heart.
“I’m happy you’re back too,” he responded and pressed Yoongi’s lips with a deeper kiss, tongue prodding for an opening. Yoongi took in the taste, the sweetness and the heat. His hand combed through Jungkook’s hair, gripping his head to pull him closer. Closer.
“You know, I’d love to continue this, hyung,” Jungkook broke the kiss but his lips barely left Yoongi’s. The words travelled straight into his mouth. “But I’m really hungry.”
Jungkook felt the chuckled vibrating into him.
“Fine.” But Yoongi didn’t let go. Not yet.
It was how their days usually go. If not, it was Jungkook who was coming in, running back from a gruelling practice session, hair still damp from the quick shower he took. Always too eager to get back to Yoongi.
Other times they’re just in the house, lost in each other. Yoongi in his studio, tweaking something and Jungkook just leaning against him, taking in his body heat. Or Yoongi laying in Jungkook’s lap, the younger twirling his fingers around Yoongi’s hair, humming a song, a lullaby to calm his wild thoughts. Or they’re just in bed, still in bed, neither wanting to get up and untangle themselves from each other. They let the sleep linger, enveloping the air around them until a greater human instinct like hunger takes over.
Now it is silence.
But the doctors and psychiatrists have told him to give it time. So he’s giving it time. He’s giving Jungkook time to come back to him.
“Hey, Kook, I’m home,” Yoongi announces to the empty living room, trying his best to be okay and pretend like nothing has changed. “Kook?”
The answer doesn’t come until a few moments later. First it is the sound of the doorknob turning and then feet shuffling from their bedroom.
Jungkook smiles, the one that never reaches his eyes. He, too, is pretending.
He slowly walks closer and places a small kiss on Yoongi’s cheeks.
“Dinner?”
Jungkook nods.
Dinner is just the sound of chopsticks and chewing. It is the sound of Yoongi struggling to keep a conversation going on his own, the last person to usually say anything.
Jungkook tries to reply, say something to encourage Yoongi to go on.
“Yeah?” and that is already too much to say. Especially while eating. His throat is too preoccupied with swallowing that whatever sound he can produce gets eaten up.
Yoongi notices and goes on. He is going to fight against himself to go on, to keep this facade going. To keep the familiarity of their relationship intact. He does it for Jungkook.
He expected this. When they received the diagnosis, he expected to have to take over the things Jungkook does so effortlessly like getting them to talk about their day, about their thoughts. Jungkook takes care of him in little ways like whispering to him that it was okay when he didn’t believe it. Jungkook does the little things that usually goes unnoticed in keeping them together. Now it has to be Yoongi’s turn.
The day they received the diagnosis was a nightmare.
Somehow, Yoongi felt like it would be bad. So despite Jungkook telling him that he was okay to go to the hospital alone, Yoongi made sure that he was there. He was glad he was. He was glad Jungkook had his hand to squeeze when the tears racked his chest in silent sobs. He was glad to be able to wrap his arm around Jungkook’s shoulders when he needed it most, letting Jungkook cry into his chest.
“I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news,” the doctor started. “The test result shows that you have laryngeal cancer. We have to run more tests to see what the next step is. But it looks like it’s still in the early stages so there’s a high chance you will survive.”
After a dozen more visits to the hospital and second and third opinions, it was agreed that Jungkook would go through surgery.
The tumour is mainly on one of his vocal folds. It’s still relatively small, but at the rate of its growth and its position, surgery was the best bet. Transoral laser microsurgery was the best option to control the spread of the cancer and avoid further damage. This way, they could make sure Jungkook would still be able to breath and eat properly and with time, speech would be easier, too.
“We can’t really say how much the surgery will affect your voice until after. But generally, you’ll have limited pitch and loudness. Hoarseness. Your speech will be quite limited.”
“And I won’t be able to sing again,” Jungkook added bluntly and the darkness that fell over the doctor’s expression gave him a quicker confirmation than his words could.
“Singing would be impossible after removal of any part of the vocal folds.”
That night Jungkook had curled up into Yoongi’s arms as they laid in bed. It was dark and quiet. Neither of them knew what to say. Jungkook had agreed on surgery but he felt like the decision had already been made for him. He didn’t really have a say in it.
He was going to lose his voice, his career, his dreams. He was going to lose it all and there was nothing he could do about it.
“How was your day? Therapy okay?” Yoongi asks carefully. It has only been safe to ask yes or no questions with Jungkook. Questions that doesn’t require too many syllables. Questions that are comfortable for him to answer.
Jungkook nods, croaked a “yes” before his eyes drift off again. Yoongi has lost him.
The rest of dinner is quiet. Yoongi is getting angry. Not at Jungkook. Never at Jungkook. But at the silence that is piercing his ears so sharply. He wants to rip it to shreds, tear at it limb by limb. Yoongi wants nothing but to kill the silence and get his Jungkook back. He’d do anything. But now the only thing he can do is give it his patience.
Jungkook helps him clear up the dishes once they are done. But Yoongi can see the heaviness in his movements as if the dishes are too heavy for his limbs. It is impossible. No physical object can weigh down on Jungkook.
“Hey, love,” Yoongi stops him, his own heart unable to see Jungkook like that. “How about you put on a movie or something? I’ll finish up here.”
Yoongi pushes Jungkook’s arm down – which is easier than it usually is – forcing him to leave the dirty dishes on the table. He kisses Jungkook’s jaw softly, hoping to lift some of that weight off.
“We can watch anything you want,” he says, pushing a smile. The corner of his lover’s lips curved a little, even more laborious.
“Okay,” he whispered back and Yoongi feels a little less worried.
But the silence is still there even as they sit together so closely on the couch. The silence is pulling Jungkook away from Yoongi despite him having his arm wrapped around the younger’s shoulders, clutching at his body. The silence stands there between them.
Yoongi wonders if Jungkook notices, or if he is actually allowing it.
“Hyung, it’s after midnight,” Namjoon slurs, voice heavy with sleep. “This better be important.”
He knows it is. He knows it the moment he saw Yoongi’s name flashing on his lockscreen, demanding his attention, waking him from sleep. Yoongi never calls unless it’s important.
“Joon, I don’t know if I can do this. Shit,” Yoongi mutters softly. He’s in his studio, locked in there by himself. But he was still afraid that Jungkook might hear him if he speaks any louder.
“Hyung, you’re doing fine. It’s just new,” Namjoon assures, already fully awake. He gets out of bed to continue the conversation outside, not wanting to wake up Seokjin with him.
“Or maybe I left him alone too soon. Maybe I should go back to working at home again.” Yoongi is talking less to Namjoon, more to himself. He is blurting out loud. Namjoon can hear his panic through the phone.
He’d only just gone back to work. Since the surgery, he took three weeks off. It was supposedly because Jungkook needed to be taken to the hospital for checkups and for speech therapy. But it was mostly because Yoongi wasn’t ready to let him out of his sight. He only went back because he would lose his job if he didn’t.
“Hovering won’t help him,” Namjoon argues. “You can’t force him to be okay. And you won’t help yourself either.”
“But, Namjoon, I feel like I’m losing him.” Yoongi is afraid of the words that comes out of his mouth. He immediately covers his mouth with his hand. He doesn’t want anything else to come out, to be more real.
“Hyung, you’re not losing him. He is still there. With you.”
“It doesn’t feel like he is.” Again, his own words take him by surprise.
Namjoon lets out a heavy breath, worried for both of his friends.
“Do you want me to go over?”
“Fuck. No, don’t. I just– I–“
“Hyung, if you need me to, I’ll be there.”
“No, Joon. I’ll be fine. I’m fine.” It feels like lies on his tongue. He recognises the taste.
“Alright. Okay.” Namjoon pauses before he continues. It is something that Yoongi probably doesn’t want to hear. “You know, it’s a hard time for both of you, maybe you should go see–“
Before Namjoon could go on, Yoongi cuts him off. He needs to be okay. He needs to be okay for both of them.
“Fuck it. I’m fine. I should probably go to sleep. I think I’m just tired. I’m sorry to wake you up.”
Namjoon sighs again, knowing that his best friend is just running away. As he always does when he feels like his problems are too big for his body.
But he can’t force Yoongi to do anything. All he can do now is keep a close eye on him.
“I’m always here for you. Whenever you need me. You know that, right?”
Yoongi knows Namjoon can’t see him, but he nods anyway. The thank you stuck in his throat.
“I’m gonna go now. You go back to sleep,” Yoongi urges before ending the call. He doesn’t return to bed just yet.
Yoongi knows Namjoon’s right. He can’t just not let Jungkook out of his sight. That wouldn’t solve anything except the physical assurance that Jungkook is still here, Jungkook is still with him. It was the same thing he did during and after the surgery.
Yoongi was afraid that the surgery might not work or that Jungkook wouldn’t wake up. He had been holding strong for the past few weeks, for the sake of Jungkook. Because one of them needed to keep himself together.
But the moment Jungkook was taken to the OR and put under, every part of Yoongi fell apart. Namjoon had to pick up the pieces and hold them together.
Yoongi wouldn’t sleep, eat or even move. He waited outside the OR throughout the procedure and he waited by Jungkook’s bed until he could see those bright eyes looking back at him again. He was afraid to do anything besides whisper prayers to a cosmic being he doesn’t fully believe in.
“Yoongi, you’re going to have to eat something,” Seokjin finally put his foot down. It’s been about 20 hours and Namjoon was only enabling him. Seokjin had always been the stricter one in their relationship. “If you don’t pull yourself together how are you supposed to take care of him?”
It was a slap on the face Yoongi needed. And then Seokjin gave him an actual slap on the face he needed.
“You get some food in your system or I’m not letting you see him,” Seokjin threatened. “You’re not the only one who cares about him.”
Yoongi could only agree to be dragged out by Namjoon to the hospital cafe after that. He didn’t really want to leave Jungkook, but he knew better. It was better to take Seokjin seriously when he’s like that.
He got the first thing he saw on the menu and didn’t really register the act of feeding himself. He just needed to eat so he can get back to Jungkook was who pale, frail and still unconscious.
“Look, Seokjin’s right. You need to take better care of yourself or you won’t be able to help Jungkook.”
“I know,” he mumbled as he chewed. And that was his biggest fear, that he was going to lose Jungkook because he wasn’t strong enough. He’s never been the strong one and he doesn’t know how to do it now.
When Jungkook wakes up the next morning, the bed is empty next to him. He knows Yoongi didn’t sleep the whole night. Jungkook was awake when he left the room and he never came back.
He found his boyfriend in the kitchen, busying himself with the coffee machine. Jungkook sees his fingers fidgeting for something to do. He wants to tell him that it was okay, that it will be okay. But he doesn’t have the words to say it anymore. He feels weak, no longer strong enough to take care of Yoongi.
The only thing he could do is give him a soft peck on a cheek, a half-hearted one even Jungkook himself noticed.
“You’re up,” Yoongi mumbles, eyes a little lost. Tired.
“Yeah.” And Jungkook regrets ever trying to speak. Every time he makes a sound, he immediately regrets it. He regrets hearing the voice that is not his. It feels foreign, different. It is no longer in his control. Instead, he is at the mercy of it now. Sometimes he tries to say something and halfway through his throat closes up, air unwilling to pass through.
Jungkook is lost in his thoughts until he feels Yoongi on his lips.
“You okay?” Worry has been colouring his eyes for too long now.
Jungkook decides to only nod this time. He tries to give a smile. He wants to tell Yoongi to go to work safely, to take care of himself. He wants to tell Yoongi that he’ll be waiting for him to come back, come home. He wants to tell Yoongi that he’ll miss him when he’s not around.
But all he can do is nod.
“Jimin will take you to your appointment today. I’m sorry I can’t go.” And he wants to say that he can take himself to his appointments. He’s not a child. But he can’t argue. He has no power to argue.
“I love you, baby” Yoongi says just before he has to leave, looking at Jungkook like he can’t let him go.
“Me, too,” Jungkook stutters through.
Jimin is good at fussing. He is a natural worrier and Jungkook swears he worries over him as a sport. So when Yoongi can’t be around to do the worrying, Jimin is more than happy to take over the chore.
He gets to the apartment early, just so he can make sure that Jungkook gets ready properly. He fusses over whether Jungkook has enough layers on even though it’s only August.
“Got your keys? Phone?” he double-checks as they put their shoes on. Jungkook rolls his eyes as he dangles everything in Jimin’s face to confirm. “I’m just checking.”
He drives them to the clinic and waits outside for the next hour as Jungkook learns how to speak again.
They are simple exercises to help Jungkook control the air that passes through his larynx. Now he can barely get through two syllables before running out of air or coughing. With practice, the doctor says he might be able to get better. He won’t get back to his best, but he’ll be able to say more than just yes or no.
The therapy is also to help him come to terms with his condition, to help him be okay with what he’s lost. Jungkook doesn’t know if it’s helping. It’s not like he can even tell the therapist how he really feels. It is a whole lot of talking on one side and Jungkook barely listening.
Jimin always takes him out after the sessions before sending him back. He doesn’t like it, but he knows it keeps Jimin happy to drag him around the city, to see him get out of the house. So he goes along with it, letting Jimin take him into stores as the older tries on clothes or looks for desserts he’s been craving. Jungkook also knows that Jimin just needs his best friend with him sometimes.
Unlike Yoongi, Jimin can go on talking by himself without really caring if Jungkook has been listening. Today he is ranting about Taehyung not replying to his texts for 3 days as they queue up for coffee.
“Honestly, how hard is it to just reply to me to let me know that he’s not dead? He never takes care of himself whenever he goes on a long shoot like this. He’s selfish really,” Jimin goes off on the third person of their little trio.
“Asshole,” Jungkook mutters, to back up Jimin.
“Exactly. Fucking asshole.”
Jungkook feels a little better after their outing. He is even excited to have Yoongi return.
But the wait is too long. Once he is left to himself, he starts feeling like shit again. Yoongi never got to see him properly smile that day.
The soft bunny smile was something that tugged on Yoongi’s heart even before he realised he was falling so deeply in love with Jungkook. It’s the one particular smile that takes over his whole face, his nose scrunching up, crinkling. The smile was part of how he fell for Jungkook.
Not that he remembers it clearly. Yoongi can never really point out the exact moment when he noticed the irregularity of his heartbeats whenever he even thinks of Jungkook. It happened so seamlessly, carelessly. One minute he was completely ignorant of all the signs his body was sending and the next moment he was completely crippled by the burstings in his chest.
He can’t remember what did it either. It was just Jungkook being Jungkook. The way, despite always bothering and annoying his hyungs, he is also the first one to be there for them when they needed it. The way his touch is always light even though his strength is immeasurable. It was in the way he brightens up when he talks about the things he loves; singing, dancing, the theatre. It was just that, wrapped up in that ridiculously beautiful body of his with his strong arms and thighs but a slim, dainty waist.
Yoongi’s heart was defenceless against it. It was only time before he realised.
But what he does remember clearly was the day they met. It was at a party Namjoon had dragged him to during the time when he was still pining for Seokjin, two years before they got married. How they ended up married, Yoongi continues to wonder.
Yoongi was still arguing about not wanting to go as they walked towards the club. He hates people and even more so parties. But Namjoon was the closest person he has in his pathetic life so he sucked it up and went. For Namjoon.
Jungkook just stumbled into him that night and it was months later before he admitted that the fate of his life rested in Jungkook’s hands.
Sometimes he still wonders how Jungkook was so patient in waiting for him to realise his feelings for the younger. But he did. He waited and Yoongi was eternally grateful.
Jungkook would never say it was easy. He knew he fell for Yoongi the moment he first saw the man in the crowded club. He looked like he was chiseled off a block of marble; shoulders broad, eyes sharp. His dark hair contrasting with his pale skin. He had a cool air about him, a some kind of mysterious. Jungkook didn’t believe anyone could be so perfect. But Yoongi proved him wrong when he cracked into a laugh, the sound even raspier than his speech, his jaw loose and gums showing, eyes disappearing into crescents. Yoongi was perfect. Confirmed.
It became harder when he learned how soft Yoongi was behind his hard shell, how much he really cares about the people around him without showing it. He fell deeper listening to the beautiful poetry hidden in his old raps, the songs he writes for the endless list of idols he works with now. Jungkook remembered the day he visited Yoongi at work and it was impossible to not be enchanted by the sight of Yoongi working in his studio, the music second nature to him, instruments merely extensions of his limbs. Jungkook even loves the dark sides of him, the shadows he hides in.
Jungkook loves him so painfully that it was hard, waiting for Yoongi to learn it for himself. Jungkook had almost given up at one point. When Yoongi had disappeared for weeks, no texts, calls. He had avoided the whole group. Even Seokjin was a little pissed off at him.
But then Jungkook received the song and he was glad he didn’t give up. Not yet, not fully.
It’s been a couple of months now. Sometimes Jungkook seems okay. His smile reaches his eyes on the better days even if they have lost some of that spark. He fills his time working on his art, painting in the living room, taking up the whole space with his supplies. The doctor had suggested it as part of his therapy, to focus on something else he is passionate about. Yoongi is happy whenever he returns home to Jungkook concentrating on the colours in front of him, biting his lower lips absent-mindedly. Those days Jungkook would hold him too when they’re sitting close together.
But there are also days when Yoongi returns to Jungkook on the floor of the bedroom, curling up into a corner, perfectly hidden by the bed. Yoongi slumps down in front of Jungkook, slowly reaching up to him. Wanting to cradle the soft face in his hand.
“Hey,” he says, smiling. Jungkook doesn’t move accept to turn away from Yoongi’s touch. “Kookie…”
At that moment he really wishes he could hear Jungkook say something back. Maybe even yell at him. It is better than this empty silence, the distance.
“Do you want to go out to eat, baby?” Yoongi tries again, trying not to lose faith. Jungkook turns further away, as if he would rather be enveloped by the wall.
“What if I cook?” Jungkook seems to be so far away at that moment and Yoongi can only let him. There isn’t anything he could do in these moments.
He just has to be patient. He’s seen glimpses of Jungkook returning. He just needs more time. Jungkook will be back, back next to him where he belongs.
Jungkook is out with Jimin again after his therapy sessions. They have gone out for sushi after. It isn’t a good day, but it is not a bad day either. That is as far as he can get lately.
That is, until they pass by a poster of the latest play coming out next month. His eyes catches the names of the cast too quickly, names he is familiar with, names of people who used to see every day. Names of the people he used to worked with, be friends with. Names he wants to forget.
Jimin catches the change in Jungkook’s expression too late, too late to pull him away.
“Come on, let’s get some ice cream,” Jimin tries to distract him.
“Home. Please,” he says, telegraphically. It is a different kind of not being able to speak. There is a lump in his throat and it is only expanding as he stands there longer. He wants to be out of the crowds, away from people. He can’t even look at Jimin any longer.
Jimin doesn’t argue because he knows how hard it is for Jungkook to say anything. When he says anything, Jimin takes it seriously.
“Want me to come up?” he offers as they stop in front of the building.
Jungkook can only shake his head. He won’t try to produce any sound, not while feeling like he is. He shakes his head and manages a smile. But the tears filling his eyes are threatening to give him away so he quickly gets out of the car and disappears out of Jimin’s sight before his hyung can see him like this.
Once within the comforts of his own walls, he lets the tears fall. He lets the raging sobs escape his heavy chest.
He lets the memories he has tried to lock up out and consume him.
“My star,” Yoongi used to call him after his shows.
Jungkook has worked hard to go up the ranks in the company. It was long hours practicing dancing, honing every part of his skills. He wanted nothing more the feel of the spotlight on him, to be bathed by the light on stage as he danced and sing.
It was after years of sweat and tears when they chose him as the lead for one of the musicals. He worked even harder, practiced even longer. He wanted to make sure it was perfect.
When the curtain closed on that first night, all the aches in his joints was worth it. He was really happy. Especially when a certain handsome man was waiting for him with a bouquet of flowers after.
“My star,” Yoongi whispered as he pulled Jungkook into a kiss. Jungkook felt it in the pit of his stomach. “You were amazing.”
“Thanks, hyung.” The smile on his face wouldn’t be tamed.
“Ugh, watching you on stage really makes me want to eat you out,” Yoongi grumbled, clutching at Jungkook’s neck to keep him close and he could only laugh. Mostly because Seokjin was right behind, looking like he regretted having ears.
“Wow, Yoongi, didn’t need to know,” Seokjin said loudly, interrupting their bubble. He pushed Yoongi aside to give Jungkook a hug. Soon the youngest was being suffocated, wrapped by Seokjin’s shoulder’s, Jimin’s soft hands, Taehyung’s long lanky arms and Hoseok’s bright blinding smile. Namjoon and Yoongi joined soon enough. It was one of the happiest moments of his life. One he’ll never feel again.
Yoongi opens the door as he usually does and looks out for any kind of sound coming from inside. If Jungkook’s doing alright, sometimes there is music playing. Instrumentals. Never songs with vocals. Not since the diagnosis.
Or there is quiet, the punctuating quiet.
But today, there is a loud huffing of air and a sound of something breaking. It takes Yoongi’s brain a few moments to comprehend before running towards Jungkook who is pushing his canvases to the floor, grunting as he could only do. Yoongi sees the tears streaming down the younger’s face, the grit of his teeth.
He grabs Jungkook just before he could reach out for the glass holding his brushes. Jungkook trembles violently in Yoongi’s arms, he barely holds on.
“Kookie,” Yoongi calls out, desperately trying to reach out to the person that feels so far away. Now more so than ever. It doesn’t feel like Jungkook is in his arms. “Baby, please.”
Jungkook puts up a fight before falling, letting his knees go. Yoongi still has his arms around him.
“Jungkook, fuck, I’m really sorry,” is all he could think of saying. He kisses Jungkook’s temples, hard, hoping it reaches a deeper place.
Jungkooks feels angrier; with himself, with the world. Because he couldn’t tell Yoongi to stop saying sorry, that it’s not his fault.
All the frustrations are boiling up. Jungkook’s frustrated with all the words that are now stuck in his chest, growing bigger and heavier and neither his voice nor his hands could catch up with even if he wanted to write them all down. It doesn’t feel the same. It doesn’t feel like him without the pauses, the fillers, the sound of the letters rolling off his tongue.
Even his laugh is now a cracked voiceless thing and he hates listening to it.
It is mostly frustrating because even like this, having Yoongi so close like this, he can’t tell Yoongi how much he just loves him, how thankful he is for everything that Yoongi has done. He wants to tell Yoongi to hold on to him and never let go.
He is frustrated by how weak he has become, not being able to comfort Yoongi as he used to. He feels Yoongi slipping away, even like this.
But he barely has enough air in his lungs to even breath, the sobs never ending. The words dying in between, gone with his vision and the light.
Jungkook wakes up again in bed, nestled in the covers. He doesn’t remember coming into their bedroom. Then he remembers what happened the night before, remembers Yoongi’s tears that were mixed with his own and panics. He looks around the room. No sign of Yoongi. He is only met by a small Jimin sitting at the foot of the bed with a sad smile on his lips.
“Yoongi had some errands,” Jimin says but is bad at hiding the lie. His eyes fleeting before returning back to Jungkook. “You doing okay, sweetie?”
No, he isn’t. He knew the day would come. Yoongi had been able to be okay for so long, patient. He tried not to let Jungkook see him cry after the diagnosis was given. He kept himself busy, worrying about Jungkook’s schedule in between his own work. He was running too fast. But now Yoongi has realised that he couldn’t do it anymore. Yoongi is breaking and it’s his fault and he can’t do anything about it.
He is losing everything. He isn’t okay.
But he nods.
Jimin is similarly good at detecting Jungkook’s lies. He sees the cloud over Jungkook’s eyes, shadowing the brightness he used to carry around. Jimin leans in and hugged Jungkook.
“It’s okay.”
Yoongi doesn't want Jungkook to have to see him like this, not when Jungkook has bigger problems of his own. Yoongi doesn’t want Jungkook to have to worry about him. So he made a run for Namjoon’s after calling Jimin to make sure that Jungkook wouldn’t wake up alone. Someone still needs to look after him.
Namjoon lets him camp in the spare room as he feels the world slowly crack around him. He wants to hold the pieces up, but he isn’t strong enough. He’s tired. He shouldn’t have ignored it for too long. Now he is crashing hard and crashing fast.
“Fuck, Yoongi,” Seokjin mutters when he finds Yoongi hyperventilating on the floor in a foetal position. “Shit. Namjoon, can you please come in here and fix Yoongi? I don’t know how to.”
Namjoon walks in and quickly holds up Yoongi, helps him sooth his breathing. It works a little. But it can’t push away the darkness that is enveloping him.
He can also feel Seokjin hovering over them, worried.
“Namjoon, I can’t do this,” Yoongi feels ashamed to admit it. He wants to believe otherwise. But he can’t lie to himself anymore. “I can’t help Jungkook.”
“It’s not your job to be perfect, Yoongi,” Namjoon reminds, solemnly.
Jungkook doesn’t like having Jimin here all the time. It’s been two days now. Sure his boss is Hoseok, but he really shouldn’t be doing this for Jungkook. Plus, he doesn’t need a baby sitter.
“Before you even think about it, stop,” Jimin warns, but his voice still hold a sliver of tenderness. That very Jimin-ness.
He is making stew in the kitchen with Jungkook sitting at the little island, watching him stir the pot.
“First of all, I’m doing this because I love you. And I love Yoongi-hyung. Secondly, the both of you need to stop beating yourself up.”
If Jungkook were able to speak, Jimin’s words would’ve shut him up really quick. He widens his large eyes at Jimin.
“You need to start realising that you can say things without words, dumbass” Jimin starts saying, looking straight at Jungkook this time. He doesn’t want any of his words to get lost.
Jimin’s stare hits a swollen part in the younger one’s chest, making it ache again.
“Jeon Jungkook, you’re an amazing human being and we’re all just really happy that you’re still here. So stop feeling sorry for yourself. Let us help. And Yoongi will be fine. You know how he is. Namjoon will take care of him. We’ll learn to work this out. Together. You don’t have to do it alone. Stop torturing yourself and unknowingly torturing Yoongi. You got that?”
The intensity of Jimin’s stare only increases as he continued speaking. He is even pointing at Jungkook with the ladle to stress his point. Jungkook nods obediently.
“Good boy. Now the food’s almost done. You can choose a movie,” Jimin instructs, the smile back in his eyes.
Taehyung arrives the next day, crashing their little slumber party. He has just finished his long drama shooting. They haven’t seen each other in so long. It feels nice having both his hyungs with him to keep him company even if he already misses Yoongi.
But their presence helped Jungkook realise something, something he had forgotten. He can say more than just with words. They say so much in the comfortable silence of just being next to each other, sharing an understanding.
“Love you,” he forces out. Voice husky, high-pitched. Arms wrapping around the two boys so tight his lungs might burst. In other words, I love you so much. Thank you for being here, thank you for loving me.
“We love you, too, you big idiot,” Jimin replies, giggling. He kisses Jungkook’s cheek. “We’re always here for you.”
“Awwww, I love you guys so much,” Taehyung coos, being the drama queen he is and crushing the two others with his body. The three of them lay piled on the floor, laughing. Even Jungkook is laughing and, after so long, he doesn’t mind. He doesn’t care how it sounds as the vibrations leave his body. He only feels the sound of it in his chest, shaking his body alive. He enjoys the sensation of his chest rising and falling at rapid speed even if the sound is different. He’ll just relearn it.
After the laughter and conversations dies, Jimin and Taehyung fall asleep quickly that night. The moment they lay in bed, the two go out.
Jimin had been tired. He hasn’t been sleeping well, waking up in the middle of the night checking up on Jungkook. Maybe his body knows that tonight, Jungkook is okay and lets him doze into deep slumber.
Taehyung’s late night shootings and gruelling schedule is catching up on him too.
But between them, Jungkook isn’t tired or sleepy. He feels very awake.
He stares at the time on his lockscreen. It’s almost 2am. He’s not sure what he would even say, how to even say it. He just knows that the words he’s been holding on to all this time needs to be let out now. He needs to say it before he forgets, before he wakes up again and feels differently.
Yoongi has been drifting between the state of wakefulness and sleep throughout those days. His mind and body are numb but he can still take in noises, movement. He can still sense Namjoon looking over him, Seokjin preparing food, them leaving the house at different times during the day. They never leave him completely alone.
He is still aware.
And he is fully aware of his phone notification going off. It is already late. He isn’t sure how late exactly, but Namjoon and Seokjin had gone to sleep hours before. The stillness outside also tells him it is very late.
His phone had gone off for the past few days from coworkers asking where he was, his boss asking when he’ll back, emails of meetings he had missed. None he checked.
But none would be coming in this late.
Something makes him stumble out of bed to reach for his phone that had fallen onto the floor since that afternoon and has been ignored since. Something makes him check the blinking light on his lockscreen. Something–
Yoongi feels his heart catch in his throat just from seeing the name. He has missed that name.
“Kookie”
He almost drops the phone from his eagerness to read the text message.
2:10 am
firstly, im sorry that bc i lost my voice, i stopped talking altogether. im sorry that i kinda pushed u away. i thought u were distancing yourself from me, but it was me who was pushing u away.
i think i was mostly scared that if i told u how lifeless i felt, how lost, how i negotiated with god to take my life instead of living this nightmare, because i do feel dead inside. im afraid that if i told u all that, i’d lose u. that u’d be scared. or u wont like me anymore because im not me anymore. or because i didn't believe i’ll ever be ok.
but i lost u anyways by being a dumb idiot and not trusting u enough. i didnt let u prove to me that u can be the one to carry me sometimes. more than just from the couch to the bed altho i still dont know how u do that.
and altho i love my voice, i love singing, i love living more. i just forgot. i love still being able to wake up and have people who care about me around. i love you. gdi i really love u and i miss u so much.
and im realising that even tho things changed, some things dont have to. things like u and me. just being together.
and i hope ur ok. just be ok and come back home. pls. did i mention how much i miss u? jimin wakes up too early in the morning and he hogs the covers. and tae’s arms are crushing me.
but if u need more time, that’s fine. im okay with that. just like let me know ur still alive and that u dont hate me.
i just need to type this all out rn bc im afraid i might not be able to when i wake up tomorrow.
i love u min yoongi. thank u. literally for everything. sorry it took so long for me to say it.
Yoongi feels the tears poking at the corners oh his eyes. His heart swells, hurt. He isn’t okay. But he is okay enough.
2:20 am
I’m alive. but namjoon might argue otherwise.
and i dont hate you
never
He’s not sure what else to say. Words are still lost to him. But he is really happy, after what seemed to be so long. He’s happy.
He opens the message to reread it. Absorb every detail, burn each word to his heart. Make sure it is all real.
2:22 am
thank you, love
Jungkook didn’t sleep. He stayed awake the whole night, relishing the warmth around him, the warmth inside him. He finds himself smiling as he rereads the words Yoongi sent him. Each character now etched onto his memory.
Before the day starts, Jungkook gets out of bed carefully. He makes sure not to disturb the other two bodies still entranced with sleep.
He tiptoes out of the room and closes the door behind him gingerly. He decides to make a warm cup of tea, maybe wait for the sunrise. The October sky was still mostly dark, stars carpeting the darkness. He pulls a blanket and takes his cup out to the balcony. The air only cold enough to send comfortable chills through his body, the wind tenderly grazing his cheeks.
He was too engrossed in his thoughts to notice the front door opening and someone walking in.
He is as beautiful as Yoongi always remembers him to be. But especially today, this morning before the sun is even awake. Especially with his hair softly blown by the autumn breeze, soft lights from the street highlighting only certain planes of his face.
Yoongi is almost cemented to the floor, unable to move closer. Afraid to disturb the calm. Wanting to take more in before he does.
But his heart is also eager to reach out and touch. To feel the realness of Jungkook’s presence on his fingertips.
“Kook?”
The sound is very low, but Jungkook wouldn’t miss it anywhere. He would never miss that voice even in a crowd.
He turns around and it is exactly the person he wants to see, needs to see.
His heart is fluttering all over, taking too much space in his chest. His ribcage unable to contain all his feelings.
Yoongi sees the turn of Jungkook’s head in slow motion. First the curl of his lips, then the soft sparkle in his eyes. Then he is up, walking towards him slowly picking up pace.
Before he registers it, Jungkook is already everywhere. His arms around Yoongi’s waist, hands clutching his back. His head burying itself in Yoongi’s neck, hair brushing his cheek slightly. His smell engulfing Yoongi’s senses. He doesn't see anything else as he takes everything in, everything that Jungkook is.
“Kookie,” Yoongi whispers. Then he hears the quiet sobs, feels the dampness on his neck and shoulder. Yoongi holds on to him tighter. “I’m sorry I couldn’t come sooner. I wanted to run here 5 seconds after replying your text. But Namjoon would get worried if I left in the middle of the night and I didn’t want to barge in here at crazy hours of the night.”
“I’ve missed you,” Jungkook breathes and it goes straight into the darkness of Yoongi’s heart.
Then something else takes over as Jungkook places a light kiss on the crook of his neck. He pushes his love away only to pull him back against his lips. He drinks in the taste of Jungkook’s mouth, hands clasping against the front of his top.
“Fuck, I miss you.” And he can feel Jungkook’s smile as it disappears into another kiss. The kisses grow hungrier, needier. Yoongi starts to pant.
“Tae and Jimin,” Jungkook stops Yoongi’s thoughts before it goes further, already feeling something poking against his thigh.
Yoongi chuckles playfully. “I can’t believe you left those two in our bed. They’re gonna ruin it.”
Jungkook laughs too. But he is already pulling Yoongi towards the door of his studio. Yoongi follows blindly.
The carpet of the studio grazes his back strangely but the warmth radiating from Jungkook’s body on his makes up for it. He feels Jungkook marking another spot on his chest, his finger lazily dragging down his torso.
He misses Jungkook like this, slow and lazy after sex. Jungkook just closely next to him and it’s impossible to tell where his parts end and Jungkook’s begin. Everything is just them.
He kisses the top of Jungkook’s head, another whisper of I love you.
“I love,” Jungkook pauses to take a breath. “You too.”
Then he places a deep kiss against Yoongi’s bare chest, right over where he hopes his heart to be. He keeps his lips there for a moment longer. In other words, I love you, your heart and soul.
Jimin is already awake once they found enough energy to get up and get out of the studio that was starting to wreak. Their bodies similarly sticky.
Jimin is pleasantly surprised to see Yoongi before he realises what’s happened. He takes in the topless bodies and hickeys that were beginning to form too late.
“Oh my god, you guys. Gross. I don’t need to know you had sex. And I was sleeping in the next room!”
“Hey, Jimin. This is my house and my bed you were sleeping in,” Yoongi playfully warns him as they made a run for the bathroom.
“Our,” Jungkook corrected before disappearing behind the bathroom door. Yoongi follows behind.
“Whatever! Just don’t have sex in the bathroom now. Please,” Jimin shouts over the door. But all he does is feed the two boyfriends ideas.
Everyone is sensible again when breakfast hits the table. Jimin helps Yoongi with the pancakes while Jungkook serves as an unneeded but welcomed distraction. Taehyung comes out to the dining table just as everyone is sitting.
“Hyung, you’re back!” Taehyung beams as he takes in Yoongi’s presence. He wraps his arms around the older, never caring for the way Yoongi always stiffens at hugs. “The whole family’s back together again.”
“I’m not your dad, brat,” Yoongi barks. But with everyone together, having breakfast and talking over each other, it does feel like family. He feels Jungkook reaching for his hand, giving it a squeeze.
In other words, I know and me too.
Things aren’t perfect. Their problems didn’t magically fix themselves with Yoongi simply returning home. There are so many things for them to go through, more words that needs to be said.
But, slowly, they work it out. Together. The work it out between the two of them, with the help of Namjoon and Seokjin, Hoseok, Jimin and even Taehyung who is mostly an idiot.
They let their worries out, their secrets and fears they were too afraid to let the other know before. They learn to lean on each other again. They learn to communicate, working out a system that includes words and the gaps in between.
Yoongi goes back to work and Jungkook decides to join Hoseok and Jimin at the dance studio. He decides that losing singing doesn’t mean he has to give up dancing. It is a better outlet than painting, too.
He starts playing songs again, humming to the words and sometimes trying to match the notes. And he plays their song again. The song that started it all. The song he has kept in the shadows collecting dust for too long.
When Yoongi realised he likes Jungkook, he freaked out.
He has never been good at handling his affections towards other people. It explains his lacklustre dating history. So when he realised he likes Jungkook more than just friends, more than just a dongsaeng he wants to look after, he didn’t know what to do.
He did what he does best, ignore it and push it out of his life. This included avoiding everyone in the friend group, even Namjoon because Namjoon was dating Seokjin and Seokjin is close to Jungkook and he just can’t handle that.
So he kept to himself for weeks, ignoring the many texts from Jungkook and the rest.
But then in the middle of one night, Yoongi woke up almost feverishly, his hands aching to get the song out. He felt like he had dreamt it and it was begging for him to bring it to life.
Most times, a song comes to him like an archeologist digging a hole, the finding revealing itself piece by piece through careful attention and hard work. Sometimes, however, inspiration dawns on him like divine revelation, the stuff of biblical stories. This song was smacked right into his brain and wouldn’t let him go until he was done.
He worked on it almost all day, not even realising how high the sun had gotten. He didn’t hear his body’s protest for food or rest.
At the end of the hardcore session, Yoongi finally heard it. The track was still rough. It’s only been a day. But it was there and it was so clear.
It was Jungkook’s voice. The song was written with everything that Jungkook was, everything that Jungkook carried. The song was him.
That was when he knew there was no avoiding it, no turning back. This was it.
“Let me,” Jimin offers, slapping Jungkook’s hands out of the way. He grabs the flimsy material between his fingers. “You’re useless with a tie.”
“I know,” Jungkook replies, smiling cheekily as his eyes follow Jimin’s movements.
“It’s a good thing you chose me as your best man because let’s face it, I have to do everything for you,” Jimin continues his babbling even as the tie is perfectly done. He smoothes the front of Jungkook’s shirt, readjusting his collars. He picks on the little imperfections.
“Min, it’s perfect,” he manages. Jimin looks up and smiles back at him. In other words, you’ve done everything perfectly. You’re the best and thank you.
“Ugh, you’re so snobbishly handsome. You’re really annoying me,” Jimin blurts to hide his emotions, to keep himself from tearing up before the ceremony even starts. Jungkook only laughs, feeling too lucky to have Jimin here with him on one of the most special days of his life. He definitely did something right in his last life to have everyone here today. Specifically the man taking the vows with him.
“Why don’t you both walk down the aisle?” Seokjin had asked when discussing the wedding a month ago, referencing his own wedding.
“I don’t want the attention on me. You know how nervous I can get. Plus, Jungkook deserves all the attention he can get,” Yoongi argued and it made Jungkook fall a little bit more. He didn’t think it was still possible. After all these years, he was still falling.
So Jungkook walks down the aisle alone, Jimin trailing behind.
He takes in everyone there, aisle by aisle. Their friends, family. At the very front, their parents, siblings, Seokjin, Hoseok and Taehyung. Namjoon is standing behind Yoongi.
He saves Yoongi for last. Jungkook knows the moment his eyes find him, he won’t be able to see anyone else. The gummy smile promises him forever and he takes the last few steps a little quicker. Yoongi takes his hands and he knows he’ll never let go.
“Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?”
Yoongi gulps but a smile playing on his lips. “I do.”
“And you, Jeon Jungkook?”
Jungkook smiles, that unmistakable smile. The same smile he gave Yoongi the first time they met. The smile that has painted his days with colour.
Jungkook breathes “I do” and places his palm against Yoongi’s chest, smiling brighter. In other words, I love I want to spend forever with you I will never not love you I am yours.
Yoongi isn’t sure if Jungkook can feel his heart stopping in that brief moment, freezing the happiness he feels surging through every part of him.
Yoongi puts his own hand over Jungkook’s, wrapping it with his bigger palm. In other words, I love you, too. My heart is yours forever.
During the ceremony, they slowdance to their song. They dance through Yoongi’s notes and Jungkook’s voice. They dance away from the crowd, taken back to each memory of each other. First look, first kiss, first touch, first fight, first tears. Jungkook recalls how nervous Yoongi was the night he proposed. He was so nervous Jungkook could tell he was going to propose before he said the words. Yoongi recalls Jungkook stealing the ring from his pocket and slipping it onto his own finger.
“There. Done,” he had declared as Yoongi was still stumbling through the words in his head. It was a mess but it was perfect. It was how they were always meant to be.
Jungkook breaks their train of thought with a kiss, pulling Yoongi by his lips.
“My everything,” he murmurs. In other words, you’re my everything. Nothing else matters as long as you’re here, sharing this with me.