Chapter Text
Changkyun was anxious often.
Just like at that moment, as he laid in his bed, eyes trained on the ceiling. To anyone else, he could’ve been the picture perfect model for calm and quiet.
On the inside, he was the exact opposite. All he felt was uncomfortable. It was like there was something trying to crawl out of his chest, trying to rattle at his rib cage and push aside his heart. He didn’t know exactly what to call the feeling other than uncomfortable. Yet, even labeled like that, uncomfortable didn’t feel like enough.
Uncomfortable described awkward get-togethers with the friends of your friends, situations where you’re stuck in a silent room of people, antsy occasions where you have to socialize with relatives you haven’t seen in a while.
This was more than uncomfortable. This was the feeling Changkyun got when thinking about the relationships he had with his groupmates and the future of the group they’ve formed. This was full-bodied anxiety, sweaty palms and heart beating fast, pumping adrenaline and panic through his veins till his blood felt too thick, his skin too sensitive, his head zooming so fast that he couldn’t think straight.
He thought it was ungrateful of him to feel that way, though.
After all, he won No.Mercy. Out of twelve trainees, he had been picked to debut, to join a group, to finally be the musician he had always wanted to be. Not Gunhee, not Seokwon, not Yoonho. It was him. He beat the odds. Despite the fact that he was the most hated member, the least liked trainee, he still won.
So, why was he scared instead of relieved? Why didn’t he look forward to the dance practices and the studio sessions? Why did he have to be so ungrateful like this?
Debuting was his dream. He had never been so close to his dream before. Most people would be happy.
Changkyun wanted to sigh but, instead, he turned to face the wall. He wrapped his arms around the pillow beside him, hugging it close to his torso.
He hated nights like this, when sleep eluded him and all he could do was drown in his thoughts and all of this worrying, all of the stupid feelings he had, all of the anxiety. He wished all of it would stop, that everything would stop
His phone lit up beside him. Half of it was covered by his pillow but the other half was bright and lit the darkness around him.
Changkyun quickly snatched it up, eyes narrowing, unused to the light since he had been lying there for hours without it. After unlocking his phone, he quickly turned the brightness to the lowest setting. He then checked his newest notification.
Changkyun couldn’t stop the grin from spreading across his face. The familiar username and the somewhat sweet message made him feel a little better.
It was always a good night when Changkyun was able to message his friends from SpecialK, the people he almost debuted with, his 'ex-members'.
Before, it was hard to because Starship had told Changkyun to take down a lot of his social media just in case. They didn't want a scandal to break out over anything stupid. They also didn't want him to message anyone too much. Fans could interpret it as something unfavorable.
Now, though, No.Mercy was over and, after all the working and practicing, Changkyun finally had time to reconnect.
Without even hesitating, he clicked on the notification and was immediately redirected to KakaoTalk.
Tae ♪ Hyung
I absolutely cannot sleep… I have a feeling that you can’t either?
Tae ♪ Hyung
You should be sleeping since you are going to be debuting now, right? You need all of your energy.
Changkyun had to cover his mouth to hide the giggles that almost escaped his lips. He didn’t want to wake up any of the other people in the room who were, most likely, sleeping soundly. Yet, he really couldn’t help himself.
His hyung was too cute. Taehyuk always worried about him, about all the members. He almost seemed like a mother hen at times, fussing over his little chicks. Seeing this eased Changkyun's mind of the anxieties that had plagued it only minutes before.
Changkyuu ♡
hyung, what should i do! you’ve woken me up! i’ll never be able to go back to sleep at this rate!
Tae ♪ Hyung
Is that so? For some reason, that’s hard to believe.
This time, Changkyun let out a quiet snort. His hyung knew him too well, knew that he stayed up late on nights where nobody would force him to sleep early, and Changkyun really couldn’t hide how he truly felt.
Changkyuu ♡
taehyuk-hyung, you’re so perceptive ヽ(°〇°)ﾉ
Tae ♪ Hyung
Of course, you brat. If I wasn’t, what kind of hyung would I be?
Tae ♪ Hyung
Anyway, what’s wrong? Why are you still up? Are you having trouble sleeping again?
The answer came naturally to Changkyun. His ex-members really did know him well, especially Taehyuk. They weren’t just familiar with his sleeping patterns like his hyung was. They were also familiar with his tendency to overthink.
After all, they've spent nights together, just the five of them, quelling those very thoughts that haunted Changkyun
Changkyuu ♡
hmmmm, ya, i guess
Tae ♪ Hyung
I was having trouble too. My hyung senses were tingling.
Changkyuu ♡
hyung senses? are you like spiderman now or something?
Tae ♪ Hyung
You get them after years of taking care of four brats. Don't change the subject.
Tae ♪ Hyung
What’s wrong?
Changkyun didn’t even hesitate. His fingers typed the words almost naturally. It was hard to believe, really. He didn’t think he could put his feelings into words much less tell someone else about them. Yet, apparently, he could when it came to his hyung. It was easier, he supposed, since Taehyuk understood him so well.
Changkyuu ♡
debuting under starship is making me anxious, just like before. except, this time, i can’t persevere.
Changkyuu ♡
before, the thought of debuting with you guys made me want to work harder. the thought of debuting with these guys only makes me more anxious.
Changkyuu ♡
it makes me feel ungrateful. i finally get the opportunity ive always wanted and now i don't even feel happy abt it?
Changkyuu ♡
i can't help it though? they hate me. they wish i wasn’t the one chosen to debut. i just know it.
Changkyuu ♡
its all i can think about.
Tae ♪ Hyung
That’s really shitty.
Changkyuu ♡
(；￣Д￣) hyung
Tae ♪ Hyung
In moments like this, I’m filled with regret and melancholy. Melancholy because of the things that have passed and regret because of the things that I’ve done. Yet neither stop me.
Changkyun almost furrowed his eyebrows at that, lips forming an automatic pout. Sometimes Taehyuk made little to no sense with all the philosophical things he spouted.
Still, he wouldn't be Taehyuk if he didn't act like the oldest, like the leader, always using big words and big metaphors to make his former members feel better.
Changkyun couldn't help but wonder if this was Taehyuk’s attempt at cheering him up.
Changkyuu ♡
ahhhh hyung! that’s so poetic!
Tae ♪ Hyung
Listen, forget what I just said… You know you’re really lucky, right?
Somehow, Changkyun’s heart dropped a little at the sight of Taehyuk’s message. He knew that his hyung meant well but it made him feel even more ungrateful. The anxiety that Taehyuk's messages had pushed away seemed to come back all at once. He felt shitty. Though, in reality, he probably should feel that way.
After all, unlike Changkyun, Taehyuk’s future wasn’t assured. Taehyuk had said it himself. He wasn’t sure if he’d ever be able to debut under another group. Nu’bility had been his third try and, now, it felt like nothing would ever click. Yet, here Changkyun was, complaining to him about how bad it felt like to be so much closer to debuting?
It was the same for everyone else. Byunghwa, Jeongwook and Jongyeon; none of them were sure if they would ever debut. All five of them had dreamed of pursuing music, yes, so Changkyun didn’t doubt that the other four would keep trying.
But the industry was rough and Changkyun really was lucky. None of them knew what was going to happen to them but Changkyun’s future was clear. He was going to debut, no questions asked. Why was he complaining about it? Why was he so worried about being lucky? About being chosen?
Tae ♪ Hyung
Hey, I’m sorry I said that.
Changkyun snapped out of his thoughts and focused back on the screen in front of him. Slowly, his anxiety faded since he quickly turned his attention to what Taehyuk was trying to explain.
Tae ♪ Hyung
You know I meant that with all of the love in my heart.
Tae ♪ Hyung
None of us are bitter that you are going to debut ahead of us so get that out of your head.
Tae ♪ Hyung
You’re not ungrateful either.
Tae ♪ Hyung
Not about this, anyway.
Changkyuu ♡
(￢ ￢)
Tae ♪ Hyung
You brat, listen to your hyung.
Tae ♪ Hyung
It's understandable that you're worried.
Tae ♪ Hyung
After all, anyone would worry about debuting with an entire group that didn't like them.
Tae ♪ Hyung
There's nothing ungrateful about that, is there?
Changkyun considered his hyung's words carefully. Logically, they did make sense. Taehyuk was right, just like always. At least, Changkyun would like to believe that he was. After thinking about it for a second, his reply ended up being short.
Changkyuu ♡
i guess
Tae ♪ Hyung
You're not belittling your chance at debuting, you're just worried about the people you're debuting with.
Tae ♪ Hyung
Don't let them stop you from achieving your dreams, though. You deserve to be there just as much as they do.
Tae ♪ Hyung
Also, no matter what happens, no matter how much they hate you, how much they want to tear you down and discourage you, Jongyeonie and your hyungs are here for you.
Changkyun couldn’t help but blink a couple of times. He read the message over and over again, letting the meaning of it completely wash over him. It was like he was trying to ingrain the message into his brain, make sure he could never forget it.
Tae ♪ Hyung
Your ups and your downs, all of it we’ll share together, okay?
Changkyuu ♡
okay hyung (｡- ω -)♡
Jeong ♬ Hyung
Ah!! I was wondering who was spamming the group chat!! I should’ve known it was Taehyuk-hyung and our Changkyunnie!!
Changkyuu ♡
ahhh, jeong-hyung, you use !! too much
Byung ♫ Hyung
Are your new groupmates really treating you that badly? We can fight them, you kno.
Our Maknae ☆
ψ( ` ∇ ´ )ψ
Our Maknae ☆
nobody gets in the way of my hyung’s dreams
Changkyun almost laughed at that. It was funny how jokingly overprotective his friends could be and how easily it cheered him up when they were. Their concern for him made his heart feel a little lighter.
Changkyuu ♡
no, it’s okay. they’re not treating me badly on purpose. they’re just not used to me.
He typed that out, a smile on his face. Changkyun really couldn’t believe that his friends managed to cheer him up even more. Their concern just seemed to melt away all of his anxiety. Now, it was like all of his problems just disappeared and the weight on his shoulders completely vanished.
Byung ♫ Hyung
Hyung has a point, tho? Even tho we didnt get to debut, well always be NuBility.
Byung ♫ Hyung
NuBility isnt just a music group, its the five of us finally living the dream.
Our Maknae ☆
woah byung hyung, that was way deeper than what tae hyung said.
Tae ♪ Hyung
It’s the exact same? He just reiterated it?
Jeong ♬ Hyung
I agree, though!! We’ll always have each other. The bonds we made as trainees and as Nu’bility can’t be broken easily and, even if SpecialK didn’t debut us and even if we don’t get to perform as Nu’bility, we’ll still be Nu’bility.
Our Maknae ☆
wow all the hyungs are being so #deep
Our Maknae ☆
its true though? so dont let your new members discourage you chang hyung!
Our Maknae ☆
changkyun hyung hwaiting
Byung ♫ Hyung
Changkyun hwaiting!!
Jeong ♬ Hyung
Changkyunnie hwaiting!
Tae ♪ Hyung
Changkyun fighting.