Chapter Text
There are 7,106 living languages in the world, and we all use weather lingo as metaphors to explain the ups and downs in life. "The sun will come out tomorrow" Annie sung. Scarlett O'Hara said "Tomorrow will be another day", religions have saint days related to when seasons change. We all use the phrase "under the weather". This metaphors work as ways to describe when things aren't working as well as we hope. But also most of them show that feeling of things working themselves out, of time passing and fixing old wounds, of hope.
Donna and Harvey were definitely in a place where the storm hitting NYC seemed like just a summer breeze.
When she kisses him there's a warm invading every corner of his body, once he leans in and she breaks the kiss there's coldness. His lips titillating from what just happened, a ghost of her presence where she has touched him. After, all his emotions concatenate, questions without answers and some answers of his own he had been denying or ignoring for too long. But he is a master compartmentalizing feelings when it comes to Donna, so it's easier to blame her than the real reason why his world comes crushing down. What he's giving her it's not enough anymore, what they are is not enough. It stop being everything a long time ago, but he can pinpoint the moment they changed. It was before she tried to be partner. Before she wanted more. It was the moment he spoke up and said that she was different, an obvious observation to everyone around them. She was his Achilles heel, had been since they met. She understood him like no other person did, and at the same time there were so many unwritten rules to what they represented to each other and what lines they could or couldn't cross. So he ended up in Paula's doorstep, because if things didn't work out with her he wouldn't lose the one person he couldn't function without.
In the end, things didn't work out , and at the same time his second attempt at a relationship failed he lost the one he couldn't phantom losing. He loses Donna when he blames her for his break up, he blames her for putting his world upside down, he says things he doesn't mean, he's curt and hurtful and everything ends when she thanks him for making things easier. For letting her move on.
He loses everything.
He's been living in a limbo that seems like a never ending nightmare, those nightmares where he finally understands what he's missing and then she leaves him. Is not her fault, not entirely. He doesn't fight for them after their fallout, just moves on like she says she will. Harvey puts every fiber of his being into his work, into keeping the firm afloat and help Jessica settling in Chicago. He owes a lot to her, especially after what she had sacrificed for PSL. The lack of Pearson on the firm's wall still stings, but a lot of things do. He has become a master at ignoring thoughts and feelings and faking that everything is all right. Even if he doesn't try wearing contact lenses anymore, and his reading glasses stopped being a joke for Mike after the first few days, when the younger lawyer also notices his five o'clock shadow isn't a shadow anymore, his suits are still pristine, but he doesn't care about mundane things like he used to.
He ignores a lot of things these days, like Donna walking past his office every day but never coming in. The courtesy between them as a new routine, devoid of any emotion. They're diplomatic and that's it. He listens to his co workers, the firm runs smoothly, he works harder than he has in the past, but what goes on in the world... That's another thing.
He doesn't hear Mike when he tells him they're leaving early because of the storm alert, he doesn't listen to Louis saying his goodbyes either, or how the noises in the office start to decrease little by little. He finds it odd when at 6 pm he lets himself breath for a moment and sees the firm's dim lights, and listens to the typing sound coming from the office besides his.
Donna has already gone down and up. An hour after Rachel advised her to go home, she tries to, but the streets are covered in snow, there's not a soul nearby except the security guard downstairs. She goes up to her office again, defeated, with the mere goal to work and she does before she ends up distracted, watching the snow falling down through her window. She doesn't hear him coming or calling her the first few tentative times he says her name.
"Donna!"
Turning around she stays still for a mere second, drinking in this new look that has been the cause of many rumors in the office. "Harvey"
"What are you doing?" his voice drops a notch.
"I lost track of time... you?"
"All the roads are close, there's no way out"
"I know"
He needs to have a conversation that lasts more than 5 cordial seconds. "It doesn't look like it but the forecast says it will stop in the next hour"
"I hope so, the furniture in this office isn't made for a night nap"
"The firm isn't what you might call homey" He adds tilting his head to a side, trying to... he doesn't know what really but he just wants to let his guard down, break this armor she has build around her when it comes to him. It might be the setting, or finally being alone with her after weeks. It might be that he's desperately in love with her and the realization came too late. But he misses her, he misses the way they were in a way. "Anyway, I was going to make some coffee but the machine... does it always make that noise?"
"Aaaah, you were looking for the coffee master then..." He doesn't reply just looks at her puzzled "I've already ordered a replacement, but with the weather..." she points outside and shrugs. "Let me see what I can do" she adds when he still hasn't replied and he's just standing still near by her office door. "I need coffee too" she gets up and walks past him towards the kitchen realizing he's behind her, but when she goes in he stays by the door again, as if the thought of being in the same room is unbearable.
She distracts herself with the coffee maker, talking sweetly to the machine "C'mon Ferdinand you're not leaving us tonight" she hears him chuckle and nearer than he's been in months. With a light bump and a few gurgling noises the coffee finally starts to pour at the same time he's opening cupboards.
"Why does Louis need so many raisins and prunies and... don't answer me" she closes her mouth and he shakes his head.
Bumping into him to make him move, she finds hiding there, some chocolate and cookies. Before he asks she explains they belong to Gretchen. The coffee machine makes a horrible sound at the same time the lights spark and everything goes black. At least for a moment, when they can't see each other, both of them aware of how close they are, but before darkness makes their judgement wobble the emergency lights switch on. A dim yellowish light invading the space. She doesn't say a thing, just pours both of them a coffee and grabs the sweets before walking out.
"Why? you really think you're entitled to question me after what you just said?" She wants to scream but manages to keep her voice quiet enough, the bitterness of her tone strong enough to cut , the already, tension filled air between them.
"No of course not, you're the one always making the questions... Always the rule maker"
"What does that suppose to mean?!"
"Exactly my point!"
She wants to send him to very hot places ruled by evil creatures but she just presses her lips together. Enough is enough. She can't fight him anymore, she can't fight for them alone either. She just want to go home. So she does. Leaves him standing there, like so many times. And just like all those times he doesn't follow her.
He's following her like a lost puppy. At least that's what his old self would say to this new him. Besides the beard jokes, the glass jokes, the not wearing a tie joke. His old self would have never thought he would end up snowed in the office or losing the love of his life. Although that concept might be strange to young Harvey Specter.
When she finally settles in Louis' office, in the big couch the partner uses to takes naps Harvey stops for a second.
"Why are we here?"
"Because I'm not leaving crumbs on my office" she says deadpan and he nods. Even if he suspects that another office might be seen as neutral territory. "Besides, this office is warmer"
"How come?"
"I don't know it just is... you're welcome to -" he stops her before she has the chance to invite him to leave her alone.
"Don't... I don't want to fight anymore, and I don't want to leave either" when she looks at him inquiringly, understanding he knew what she was about to say. "And if we froze to death you're the best person to do it with"
She archs and eyebrow "I mean... I don't want to die alone"
"We're not dying"
"You know what I mean" she doesn't. She can't do this again with him. She keeps her mouth shut and doesn't look at him, drinking her coffee, trying to get warmed up by the hot liquid.
He drops himself besides her and puts his legs on Louis' coffee table. Grabbing one of the chocolates she left on it. "Gretchen has good taste" He's trying to change the subject.
"For how long you think the heat will last?"
"You just said we aren't dying here"
"I know but the snow isn't stopping, everyone is warm, nobody will worry about us, we don't have blankets, this stupid office is full of windows"
"Donna"
"It's freezing"
"Do-nna"
"God, I don't want to die tonight"
"Do-nna!"
"Why would you say something about it and then 'Donna' me like I'm being ridiculous"
"Because I don't know how to talk to you anymore!" that shuts her up and she's about to stand up when she feels his hot hand on her thigh and swallows hard.
"I'm sorry" He says and takes back his hand when he sees she's looking at it as if it was burning her.
"What for?" she asks. Fishing, like she has always have when he's not forward.
"For everything, for blaming you, for being an idiot, for bringing up that we might die tonight"
"We aren't dying" She answers quickly enough "Imagine Louis' shock if he finds us here"
"We will traumatize him"
"We could haunt him from beyond" She doesn't reply to his beg for forgiveness but at least she's not pulling up the walls she had constructed. A faint shadow of what they were before. She looks at him then and he's mesmerized by the way the dim lights makes her hair shine and hide part of her face, he's not able to read her like he used to, or he thought he could. She puts part of the hair cascading on her face behind her ear and scrunches her nose.
"What's up with that?"
"What?"
"That" she says pointing at his face.
"The sexy beard?"
She challenges him with a frown.
"It goes with the glasses" she nods absently minded and he shakes his head. "I just... I didn't recognize myself in the mirror lately" He wants to win her back, and at least something shifted between them. He has to try, and to do so he needs to share. That's what his new therapist says.
She looks at him with intent but doesn't say a thing so he keeps talking "I still don't, but at least I don't have to shave every day"
"You should" she bites a cookie
"You hate it that much?"
"You shouldn't do something because of me..." she adds and wants to bite her tongue "I mean... people talk"
"Let them talk" he steals her cookie, and it's an intimate gesture that speaks volumes but it's better than telling her he realized too late that he would do anything and everything for her.
"And I am so sick of watching you fight like hell for everything that happens in here and nothing that happens in here"
"Is this about Zoe?"
"No."
"Is this about you?"
"No".
By 11 PM the heat has decreased considerably. The storm seemed to stop for a little while and Donna had found some sort of decorative blanket in Rachel's office that she put to use. Wrapping herself in it, she dropped her heels and cocooned herself in one of the ends of the couch. Harvey pacing the office.
By midnight she's dozing off and Harvey was back with his best bottle of scotch.
"I thought you were saving that to celebrate"
He hasn't had a reason to celebrate or someone to do it with for a long time, instead of getting sappy he shrugs and sits near her.
"Scoot over" The lack of jokes at his sudden bossy demeanor it's a reminder they're not them anymore. He sips his scotch.
"You won't share?"
"Are you sharing your blanket?"
She mock gasps in shock. "You're blackmailing me"
He makes one of his faces she knows too well, his mouth tilt to a side, smirk starting to creep in. His beard is sexy, not that she will tell him that. A woman has eyes, even if said woman has a broken heart because of the man sitting dangerously close to her. She grabs the blanket and arranges it so it covers his legs, while she accommodates hers below her thighs. They're sitting similar to that time he ended up telling her he loved her, incapable of describing how. Not a memory she wants to think of in that moment.
She grabs the glass he offers and swirls the amber liquid in it before taking it all in one drink. "Another"
"Fine Thor" he smiles, and he can't help to add while handing her another glass. "I've missed you"
That sobers her up and she looks at him with big uncertain eyes. "Harvey"
"I just do" She doesn't reply. He sips his drink and she mimics him. The silence unbearable. He shifts in the couch and looks at her.
"Hear me out ok. I'm sorry, I am, I'm gonna keep repeating it until you believe me"
"Is not that I don't -" He listens to her but interrupts her before he loses the sudden bravado "Believe you"
"I shouldn't have said all those things"
"Harvey please" At her begging tone and misty eyes he stops "It's not that, not only that. It's not your fault either. I did it for me, to find answers"
"Did you?" She nods and looks down "Are you happy?" he questions.
"I'm starting to be" He nods and stops talking because in the end, he needs to stop being selfish and put her first. He loves her and if she's happy that should be it. He doesn't deserve her, he lost his chance.
"Can we..."
"Go back?" He nods again.
She shakes her head. "I don't..." It's too hard, she can play a part, but she can be friends with the love of her life. Is not fair to herself. "I... We can be good co workers"
"I understand" he looks down. Sips his drink again and then lets himself rest on Louis couch. The whole night is unclear and he does't really know what he wants. That was his problem all along, he never fought what it was really important. His head reclining on the back of the couch, still he can feel her eyes on him.
"Mike's leaving"
"I know"
"Things will get quieter"
"They will"
She grabs his hand, squeezes it and he shivers. She mistakes the gesture and fixes the blanket around him.
"Did you ever think we'd end up here?"
"Snowed in?"
"No, that was just stupid on both our parts... here I mean..." he stretches and sits straight. Starts fidgeting with a loose end of the quilt. "As bosses of this firm"
"Honestly? not like this, not without Jessica... but it depends"
"On?" their voices got lower and softer and he looks at her, his eyes penetrating hers.
"If you've asked me when we met, those young people thinking they could rule the world and do whatever they set themselves to do, or 5 or 2 years ago"
"5 years ago?"
"Jessica fired me, you took your time to come after me"
"That's a no then" She shakes her head.
"2 years ago, definitely not like this, me as COO?" she shrugs and he thinks for a bit before speaking again.
"Why did you?"
"Leave your desk?"
"The sudden need for more?"
"People thought I was only good to answer phones and that whatever I was getting was because I was sleeping with you"
"Since when you cared about what people said"
"I left my life on this firm Harvey, my young self -"
"You're still young" She presses her lips together, shakes her head amused.
"You know what I mean"
"I do, we chose our jobs instead of our families, or dreams"
"This is your dream" He closes his eyes at that.
"It used to be" She blinks studying him. "Now I think I would have like to be a professional boxer"
"Hu... Well you know how to throw a punch" He smiles at that. His phone bips, an alert of his battery running on the last 10%, the emergency lights flicker and it takes them out of this quiet moment they were sharing.
"It's 1 AM"
"We aren't dying here" she says it jokingly before he has time to go down that road again. His lips quips, he's scared they're gonna end up alone in the darkness, for now the light was a reminder of the place they're in. But in the dark he might forget she's happy, that he wants to her to be happy, and let the thought of her being happy with him run wild. They get up, his knees cracking, she doesn't joke about his age. They just end up going on different directions to look for things to pass the night.
She lets her thoughts derailed, after a night of having them in check, when she checks his office. She finds her key on his top drawer, next to the can opener. She swallows tears, everything being too much for a second. He's trying, she knows, but she can't go back, because in the end, even if for a second she thought otherwise, she's in love with him and he isn't. She closes the door quickly finding a flashlight on the third drawer. Nothing edible though. She's about to leave when he shows up smile plastered on his face with a bunch of chips bags cradling on his arms, his face falls when he looks at her. But she shakes it off, faking a smile, flashlight in sight. She bumps his shoulder playfully, playing a role comes natural to her, and walks towards the kitchen.
It's warmer there that in Louis' office and she grabs a few water bottles from the fridge. He sits in front of her and takes out of his pocket a deck of cards. The light in the kitchen is better and he notices something off but doesn't comment on it. She'll tell him if she wants. She laughs when he deals a hand without even asking her if she wants to play.
"You want to get your ass kicked Specter?"
"You wish, c'mon Paulsen" She bites her lip when she sees her cards, he goes all in.
"2 bags and a bottle" She laughs. Lets a straight flush on the table and he covers his eyes.
"C'mon! how is that possible? You bite your lip"
"I'm an actress"
"That's not fair, I'll starve now"
"I'll share you one chip" He shakes his head amused "Fine maybe 2" He laughs then and it's intoxicating, she throws at him a whole bag.
"You're a terrible loser" He opens the bag and shrugs, gestures to start another game.
By 3 AM, and after Donna losing only one game, he's defeated and bored.
"Maybe a game of blackjack?" She asks and he grumbles. The lights came back half an hour before but they didn't move.
"Maybe a nap?" Her phone came back to life and she's reading the news.
"Did you even hear about a bomb cyclone before tonight?"
"Do I look like a guy that checks the weather forecast?"
"With those glasses and the beard? Yes" Harvey narrows his eyes, she puts on her best innocent face. "Well Mr too cool to know I'll be stranded in the office, I don't know if we'll able to go home tomorrow"
"Fine explain what a bomb cyclone is"
"What's going on outside" She gets frustrated "It's like a cold hurricane"
"And?"
"There's a blizzard"
"So we are still stuck in here"
"Without food"
"The power came back, maybe tomorrow morning Ray can pick us up"
"Maybe"
"I'm bored" She says after a while and he looks at her
"Tell me something"
He keeps looking at her, he has thoughts of what he could do to pass the time but he doesn't say them out loud.
"It's 5 AM, we survived"
"Something I don't know" she adds.
He looks down, unable to maintain his sight on her. They're on opposite walls in one of the most narrow halls in the firm. Their backs straight resting on the concrete, legs stretched in front of them.
"My mom wanted to meet you"
She frowns.
"She came last week, she wanted to talk to you, I didn't think..."
"I would want to talk to her?"
"Anything to do with me, to be honest"
"I didn't leave Harvey, if that was the case I would have go to the opposite part of the globe"
"You don't speak Chinese"
"So, Lilly came" she deflects his joke and intention to change the subject.
"Yes" she doesn't press further "She wanted to see how I was doing, tried to put some sense back into me... her words"
"I'm sorry" She says it softly and he's surprised.
"Why?"
"For ruining your relationship"
"That was doomed from the start, I just realized it too late" He swallows "I realized a lot of things too late" He knows she will say his name in that way that breaks him and he will lose all false bravado he's gained during the night. He knows he should be selfless and let her be. But at the same time there's something off and he can't stand her looking at him like she is in that moment, thinking his break up with Paula was because of their kiss, or his guilt after it.
"Donna, I wasn't ready to have a relationship, or I don't know" he takes off his glasses and rubs his eyes, and she just glares at him, mouth agape. "I had too much baggage, I still do, I'm working things out now. My mother said it was emotional transference, the new therapist thinks the same" she doesn't understand, doesn't know how to ask either so she just stays quiet. "I was trying something with the wrong person, because she listened to me when you left" Listening to him open up is breaking her and she wants to stop him and at the same time she can't "I was looking for the kind of familiarity we had, the longest relationship I had with any woman was with you. A non toxic one I mean, because then there was Scottie. Who also thought it was transference or something like that. Hell, before I fucked up everything we" he points at them "got along for longer than I did with my own mother"
"I'm not your mum" she replies sharply.
"No. No, and thank god because if my mother wore one of your dresses like you do that would be some fucked up incest thing" He sighs, glances at her "What I mean is, when you said you wanted more I freaked out. You didn't know what more meant, I was afraid I was going to lose you so I just..." he doesn't finish. "Funny thing is I lost you either way"
She doesn't know where she finds her voice but she does, and it's softer "I'm here, and we haven't killed each other"
"Yeah, I guess"
"I can't promise you we can go back because in the end -" he's about to speak and she puts up and open hand for him to stop "I had feelings for you and you didn't, and it's ok, how many books about unrequited love exist? I just need time"
"Donna"
"Harvey please"
"But"
"You don't need to say anything" After interrupting each other, getting ahead of what the other is saying and knowing she didn't understood what he meant he has had enough
"I'm in love with you" She tries to speak, to reply, her frown increases, and he just stays there sitting in front of her. "I was looking for you, for what I had with you in all the wrong places" He can see the wheels in her head spinning, their feet touch and he needs to be closer. He crawls to her side of the wall and sits by her side. Their shoulders bump and she turns her head in his direction. She still doesn't speak.
"I don't want to joke about it, but if I knew that would make you speechless I could have said it sooner"
"13 years ago?" she quips back.
"I didn't know back then, but yes. The sentiment was the same"
"I don't understand"
"That I'm capable of love?"
"Harvey, no, you know that's not it, I told you once, and even if... things are complicated, it doesn't change that you're one of the most extraordinary men I know... just, 13 years..."
"You kissed me 2 months ago"
"Are you saying I should have kissed you sooner, because do you remember..."
"I can't picture you naked right now or I won't... I do remember, vividly" He's looking at her smirking, almost flirting and she returns a timid smile.
"We had a rule, we worked together"
"We don't work together anymore"
"We kinda do"
They both sigh, the ping pong of witty remarks and questions and answers becoming too much. She's dizzy, because of the lack of sleep and because he just said he's in love with her. She can't stop looking at him, dark brown challenging eyes examining her reactions and she doesn't know what she's saying without words because she stopped acting around him hours ago.
"The fact is, you're too good for me" he adds "But you make me be the best version of me, maybe that version, without the beard you seem to hate, is enough. If you're crazy enough to give me another chance, fuck the rules"
She doesn't respond, they seemed to lean in each other while they spoke and she can feel his breath before she feels his lips tentatively caressing her own. His hand cradling her face, it's soft, sweet, timid and too short. She didn't respond to the kiss, not because she was surprised, she saw it coming, but there's too much going on in her head and she needs to stop thinking. She grabs his hand before he lets it loose and whispers against his mouth.
"Fine, no more rules" There's nothing coy about that second kiss, or the smiles when they break it off for air.
The sun rises, and the storm stops. They're still unaware of what's going outside, but now completely lost in each other.
TBC