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Everytime I look at you I wonder.
I wonder if what we had was real? Or was it just some dream all long?
Sana..
I think about that once a day.
“Morning, baby..” I murmured under the blanket, my hand stretched out to the side, only to find an empty space beside me. “Sana?” I called out, tiredly sitting up from the pillow.
“Sana??” I repeated, sloppily walking out to the kitchen where I saw my gorgeous wife in her suit and tie, seated at the dining table with a cup of coffee.
“Huh? Oh, morning, Momo.” You’d say with a small smile,
“I forgot to wake up early, didn’t I?”
“Yes, yes you did.” You’d giggle with your cutesy voice. “I’m going to work now, take care, okay?” You’d say to me everyday together with a small kiss on the cheek. But I wonder, are you really happy? Do you enjoy my company at all? Was all...this something we had even real? These questions keep roaming around my head, tormenting me with complete anxiety and sadness just at the answers to them. I want to escape this but I don’t want to, it could ruin something we had. What if I was just being stupid and worried for no reason and you wouldn’t see the trust in our relationship, and think I was crazy?
I hated that my daunting mind had to remind me of how I..wasn’t Sana’s first wife, but I wish I could have been..
Kim Dahyun.
Dahyun was Sana’s first ever love and they had been together ever since high school. And when they had gotten married, they were a relationship no one could break apart, until fate took Sana’s beloved Dahyun away that day. It was either the heavy influence of alcohol inflicted on the driver or it was just Dahyun’s unlucky day. But Sana, ever since that day, was never the same; she wasn’t the bubbly and joyful Sana I knew, her cheeky smiles would be a rare sight during those times and she was my best friend for a long time so it was pretty painful to see her like that.
The fact that she was also my crush added salt to the wound. She kept to herself during that time, only going to work with a straight face, no happy greetings or whatever. She didn’t really want to hang out with anybody either. Dahyun was Sana’s world, universe and everything to her. So many memories were made with her only to be gone by an accident. This went on for months. That was when I decided one day, to take her out of her little shell and make her happy. It’s what best friends gotta do, right?
I decide to accompany her at her home or even bring her out for several nights for weeks in hopes to make a light spark inside Sana again.
But on one fateful night, we were just hanging out at my home, there were few empty wine bottles on the table in front of us, mostly drunken by her.
“Momorinnn”
“Sana, how many bottles did you down??”
“Five..”
“...”
“Go to sleep.”
“Don’t be silly, my little onion ringggg. I’m a grown woman, I don’t have..”, Sana coughed ,”...a bed time..!”
“I’m bringing you to bed.” I carried her off from the couch that was slightly stained by the alcohol she spilled over, multiple times.
“Mmm..you’re so sweet, Momorinnn..” her voice drowned out as her body cradled itself close to my own which made me gulp a little, heading into my bedroom where I could tuck her safely under my sheets. She was too drunk to even walk or drive. It would be a huge risk to let her go out on her own.
“Go to sleep, oka—” my eyes widened in shock when her eyes were suddenly locking into a long, complete gaze with my own, I could feel my heart beat quickly at this moment. Just the two of us on my bed and the silence accompanied with our steady breathing that carried the atmosphere of this room.
Once she had brought herself closer to me, our lips drawn to each other like magnets, and like a magnet, we craved for more when they were far apart. This continued on for several minutes with our tongues endlessly playing in a teasing competition.
That was it then. That was how we started together.
Despite me and Sana being married for only a year or two now, I knew deep down, Dahyun was still kept in Sana’s mind and that she was still in love with her.
I saw it all.
It was on a Sunday, where you didn’t usually have work and I was out to get a few groceries to cook your favorite meal. But as I got back, I could hear your soft sobbing as I quietly entered the living room, I could see your back arched on the floor, your face buried into your hands and your beautiful brown hair in a mess, where shards of glass from a picture frame scattered around you. I sighed at this sight.
“Dahyun! Dahyun!!” Your voice screamed over and over, echoing off the walls and each time it did. My heart itself screamed and cracked bit by bit. The fact that you hadn’t even realize that I have been standing beside her for a minute.
I watch as your pretty little head raised itself from your tear stained palms, your eyes visibly red from the amount of crying you were doing, your trembling hands clinging onto the ripped picture of a woman. A woman with her blondish hair tied into a messy bun where her face had the brightest smile I had ever seen. “Dahyun, I’m so sorry..” I hear Sana cry in a mumble.
I let out yet another sigh, putting my bag of groceries and get on my knees, wrapping my arms around your quivering body to pull you into an embrace as I cradle your head closely to my chest, my fingertips stroking over your dirtied hair where I whispered to reassure.
“It’s okay. You’re okay.”
“...Thank you, Dahyunnie.” Would always be your response.
Of course. I figured it out already, I guess within the first year we were together.
We were kissing under the moonlight on the balcony of our apartment that night, our bodies enclosed together warmly from your arms clinging around my hips. As we part lips away for air, I hear you whisper under your breath,
“You know, Momorin. ..You really do remind me of Dahyun.”
That was when I knew, I was just nothing but a second option for Sana. I was a replacement for the original. An extra. An understudy for Dahyun. How could I have been so stupid? Of course Sana wouldn’t get over her that fast. How could she love someone like me? Oh because I was just like Dahyun, of course.
Honestly, I didn’t mind. To be married to someone I’ve been longing to be with and live with for the rest of my life, after so long of seeing that someone smile because of their lover and not me, I couldn’t be grateful enough. She loved me. Even if she did look at me as Dahyun sometimes. She was with me and me only.
I promised myself that I would be there for Sana and take care of her whenever she needed me despite my heart already being at its wits end many times, with the many cracks made. Nothing mattered. Even these petty feelings. All that mattered was Sana’s happiness.
She was my lover best friend and that’s what she’ll always see me as.
But no matter what happens, I’ll always love you, Sana.