Chapter Text
The day he had left was the day that your world seemed to shatter.
You understood, to some degree. You were with Dan for all of your years at college- which was a total of three- and during that time you had learned about his true passion for music. He didn’t like advertising, in fact, the longer he stayed in the major the worse he seemed to get mentally. You didn’t judge him for trying to find solace in substances, but it worried you. You had tried your best to keep Dan on his feet, keep him going and telling him that you believed in him. You distinctly remember the day you came to his dorm room and found him sick in bed, profusely sweating but still trying to take another hit to ease the pain. You nursed him then, helped him through the sickness, followed him to France and stood by his side when he threw his pill bottle into the river. That’s when the relationship between you and Dan had really bloomed, but nothing really ever lasts, despite how good it may or may not be.
Dan had graduated, the diploma in his hands worthless and only dragging him down; which in turn meant you were too, in his eyes. So he moved to seek out his true passion, letting the rockstar in his heart guide him. You supported him, of course, you did, but it still hurt. One second he was there, and then the next morning he was nowhere to be found, only a note left behind as with a written apology and thank you. The note is still tucked into your wallet.
If it were that simple, you could have forgiven him for leaving. But it wasn’t. Dan had left, blissfully unaware of the child growing inside you. You were only a few weeks in at the time. Once he was gone, you felt abandoned and worthless. You couldn’t keep up with college and the pregnancy that was mentally dragging you down all at once, so you dropped out in your third year shortly after Dan left. Without his support, you had nothing to lean back on for help. You were all alone in this place, your only friend was the growing child in you who was yet to be born.
You jumped between different jobs, nothing ever really sticking. No one wanted to keep you for long since all you had was a high school diploma and you were with child, meaning you weren’t the most reliable employee. You had to stay in a shit stained apartment with greasy, suspicious looking men with only a thin mattress and broken lock on your door because you had no money to go anywhere better once you dropped out. The nights spent there were full of fear and murmuring to your child, holding your stomach tight while you cried.
The months trying to keep yourself on your feet while your stomach slowly grew was stressful enough that your baby was born two months early. He was premature, the smallest baby you had ever seen. You stayed in the hospital with him as he grew to the appropriate size and his lungs fully developed, the cost of staying in the hospital bed slowly increasing each day. While you were stuck in the hospital, you made friends with several of the nurses. They sympathized for you as you told them how you got in this situation, and by the time you left, you had multiple recommendations given out to different jobs that the nurses had special ties with, along with a debt to the hospital added to your college’s. All of that along with a tiny, helpless child in your hands who you were terrified of.
Those first few years after your child’s birth, of whom you named Leigh Iris (Your last name), were even worse than the months of pregnancy. You loved Leigh with all of your heart, but finding jobs that would let you work at home or bring a small crying child in with you were slim. You barely had any insurance, the only reason you had any was because both of your parents worked with insurance companies. They supported you as much as they could, but they lived far away; and both of them didn’t necessarily agree to having a child on your own and not being married to the father, so their help was limited.
Even though making money was tough, your world was much brighter with Leigh around. He was a blessed baby, not crying but instead laughing always. He was the only reason you even held on and kept trying at certain points in your life of motherhood. You loved him with your entire being and more if that was possible. He had learned early on by himself that you were struggling, and despite his young age he had matured as much as he could to help you. Leigh frequently picked up after himself so you didn’t need to even though he wobbled when he walked, he said thank you for each meal and never made a fuss when you couldn’t get him something he wanted. You felt horrible that Leigh had to live the way that he did, you felt horrible that he had to put up with such a sick excuse of a mother. The last thing you wanted was to ruin his blessed years of childhood and have him hate you when he grew up; so while your son tried to help the most he could, you hid the bills in drawers, assuring him everything was fine.
But now, five hard years later, you got your big break. You’ve been offered a job in California as an assistant for a clothing company. An assistant isn’t the best job, but the company was mainstream and it was the biggest offer you’ve been given in a long time, so you took it eagerly. With how small your apartment was, you were able to get packed in two days, and then you were off to Los Angeles with your son in your arms. For the first time in awhile, things started to look a little brighter for the two of you.
***
“Honey, are you ready to go?” You stand in the living room of your small apartment, boxes scattered around your feet and the rest of the living area. Leigh comes out of his room with his blue iPod, a small gift to him from a co-worker at work. His hair is a deep brown that curls at the ends and crowds over his eyes as he runs up to you, stumbling only a little over the cardboard on his way. You smile and kneel down, kissing his chubby little cheeks while brushing his hair back. “You have daddy’s songs?”
“Yeah!” Leigh nods, a big smile on his face. “Have you gotten any reports from NASA?” The two of you hold hands as you leave the apartment, and you turn to lock it behind you. You smile at your son softly, squeezing his hand.
“I did, actually. They said that daddy has found a new planet! And guess what?” You walk down the sidewalk as Leigh jumps, avoiding the cracks in the pavement. You once asked him why he does that, and he told you he had heard if you step on a crack you’ll break your mother’s back. I don’t want to break your back!! He had told you. You faked an injury once when you saw he had stepped on a crack, and he had ended up crying up a storm. You still felt guilty for the little prank, as pure as it was. “Daddy says that you get to name it!”
“Really?” You nod down at him, and he shouts almost immediately. “I know what I want to name it!”
“That’s nice, why don’t you tell me a little quieter please?”
“Sorry mommy,” his voice lowers considerably. “I want to name the new planet Teresa.”
“Teresa? Why that name?”
“I just think it’s a pretty name,” Leigh smiles again, and you laugh, agreeing with him. The rest of the walk is full of your son’s stories from kindergarten like how he met a girl named Teresa who gave him a part of her brownie, and the teacher gave him a sticker for drawing so well. You know the drawing he’s talking about, it’s put up on the fridge in the house. It’s a drawing of space and Danny in the stars with Leigh and you.
You never held anything back from Leigh about his father. You didn’t want to tell him the full truth, he was only five and he didn’t deserve to hear how his dad didn’t even know he existed, how his dad never bothered to call even once. Instead, you gave him space adventurer Danny who sung music up in the stars along with his best friend Ninja Brian. Leigh listens over and over to the songs from The Northern Hues and Skyhill along with the first Under the Covers album once you put them into his iPod for his birthday last year, as they were the only kid-appropriate ones you could find. Ever since then Leigh consistently has earbuds in his ears, playing the songs when the house is layered in a peaceful quiet. The iPod comes with him wherever he goes, even if he doesn’t plan on listening to the songs. It’s sweet, almost like a safety blanket.
You can already tell that the day you tell Leigh Danny would never come back from space will be one of the hardest days you’ll have to face as a parent. Leigh barely cries, so when he does it’s absolutely heartbreaking. You’re nowhere near prepared for that, so you keep the story up. Eventually it will come, but for now, you let yourself be happy with things as they are. Things are finally good, and you plan to keep it that way for awhile.
You don’t realize you’re at the grocery store until your son tugs your hand, dragging you inside. “You’re a space cadet mommy, just like Daddy,” he laughs and you stick your tongue out at him. The two of you glare before you finally settle it with a smile.
“Alright, do you remember the rules?” You ask, getting a cart as he follows you.
“Yes!”
“Can you tell me what they are?”
“Don’t go too far from mommy, only have one earbud in so I can hear you, and… um… Don’t touch things that look nasty!” He honestly made up the last one, those were the only two rules, but you go with it.
“And that last one is a rule for all of the time. We don’t want you to get sick! Then you wouldn’t get to see Teresa!” He groans as the two of you set off into the aisles, making you cackle. “What? I’m right aren’t I?”
“No, Teresa is a girl and girls are gross.”
“Leigh Iris, who raised you? Do you think I’m gross?” You feign a gasp, grasping at your heart in hurt. He giggles.
“Yeah.”
“My feelings!!!” You melt to the ground slowly. “You’ve injured my heart…”
You love your son, needless to say.
***
You aren’t paying attention and are looking at the different brands of peanut butter when Leigh notices something. There’s a bright blue ball at the opposite end of the aisle. It’s not too far, you wouldn’t be mad if he went to go get it, right?
Quickly the little boy trots over to the ball, bending down to pick up the small toy. When he comes back up, he notices a tall man with his same hair. He has a really cool leather jacket on and he’s talking to someone who is probably his grandpa. But that guy has his hair, and that’s interesting! The man probably wants to see him, too, so he can see they have the same hair.
Leigh drops the ball back where he found it (the middle of the floor) before walking up to the older guys. The grandpa looks down at him, and they stop talking for a second. Briefly, he wonders if he did anything wrong and if he should go back to Mommy before the guy with his hair turns around.
“Hey little man, are you lost?”
Hey, wait a minute. Leigh recognizes that face, that voice. Could it be Daddy? But Mommy said he was still in space… Unless Daddy wanted to surprise them and knew they would be here? Yes, that’s it! That’s his Daddy!
“Daddy!” He yells and wraps himself around his daddy’s legs.
***
Dan doesn’t know what the hell is happening. Hopelessly, he looks over to Brian, who just shrugs in turn. “Uhm,” the musician gets down on his knees so he’s at level with the kid, bringing him away from the embrace. “I think you’re confused, buddy. Where're your parents? Your mommy?” He tries.
Something clicks in the boy’s head and he looks around the store. He frowns, looking back at Dan. “I lost Mommy… I’m sorry.”
“Oh no, kid, that’s okay!” The older man’s heart swells in affection. “We’ll help you find her, okay? Do you want to walk with us?” Dan actually isn’t given much of a choice as the child’s arms wrap around his neck and he’s dangling, making Dan stand up and hold the boy in his arms. “This way is okay too, I guess.” He hopes the mom doesn’t get mad at him for carrying her kid around…
As they walk to the customer service desk, Dan tries to get information from the boy. He’ll at least need a name so the mother knows it’s her kid that’s missing. “Hey, buddy, what’s your name?”
“Leigh.” He smiles.
“Hey, that’s my name too! Well, I go by Dan. What’s your middle name, then?”
“Iris. Mommy told me that ir..iriseses... mean hope. The blue ones. Do you like blue?”
Brian replies as he walks with them. “I think that’s Danny’s favorite color, he never stops talking about it.” The little boy’s eyes light up.
“Me too!!”
The older men laugh together. They quickly arrive at the customer service desk where Dan tells them about the child, giving the nice lady behind the desk his first and middle name. The child proudly presents Dan as his daddy, which he shakes his head at to the lady. She reports over the store's speakers that they have Leigh Iris, which Leigh laughs at because now everyone knows his name and that’s so cool!
Danny sits on one of the chairs, Leigh standing right next to him and refusing to let go of Dan’s hand. Dan knows for sure this isn’t his kid, but the kid knows for sure that he is. He does get a lot of comments he looks like other people, so he sums it up to similarity. Maybe his dad isn’t at the house much so he doesn’t remember what his dad looks like? That’s a little sad…
Brian, Leigh, and Danny all chat together for a few more minutes until they’re cut off by loud steps heading their way.
***
“Leigh!” You cry, seeing your little boy ahead with two other men. Your son naturally lets go of the man he was latched to, running up to you. Quickly you wrap your arms around him, squeezing and lifting him up into the air. “Leigh, Leigh you worried me! I didn’t know where you were, why did you leave me?” You sob into your child’s shoulder, holding him close to you. “You know you can’t do that to me…”
“I’m sorry,” Leigh mumbles. “I just saw Daddy and I wanted to bring him back home before he left for space again.”
“Honey, Daddy is still in space.” You put your kid to the ground, kneeling down with him, wiping your tears and brushing the hair out of Leigh’s face. “Leigh, Daddy might never come back from space, okay?”
“But he’s right there, Mommy…” Your son turns his head, pointing over to the man who stood above you two. You look up at him, slowly meeting eyes with someone you never thought you would be looking at ever again. “Daddy,” Leigh smiles.
Dan, along with another man you’ve never met before, stand above you with wide eyes. Dan’s mouth is open but no words are coming out. You feel as if you’re frozen, yet somehow you’re still moving. Picking Leigh up again, standing up on your feet. You can hear your son asking you what’s going on as your vision blurs in panic. “Leigh, it’s time to go home.”
“But Daddy-”
“Thank you for finding him for me,” You tell both of the men quickly. Dan shouldn’t recognize you, right? It’s been five years. If he didn’t care enough to ever come back or call, he should have forgotten what you look like. “But we really have to go.” Turning on your heels, you begin to leave the store with Leigh in your arms. You don’t make it that far until you hear Dan calling you, which you were more or less expecting. You stop your walk, letting him catch up as you keep your eyes on the ground. “What do you want, Daniel?” You spit harshly. Leigh visibly gets uncomfortable and upset with your tone.
“Can we please talk about this?” He pleads. Leigh reaches out for him, but you pull his hands back.
“There’s nothing to talk about.”
“You know full well there’s a shit ton to talk- god- a ton to talk about.” You can see Danny reaching into his pocket, cursing under his breath. “Brian, do you have paper and pen?”
“Got some from the desk,” the other man from before walks up, handing the items to Dan. You watch him scramble around desperately, writing on the paper against his thigh. The paper rips several times but it doesn’t look like he wants to risk getting a better piece of paper as he hands it to you.
“Please, I know you don’t want to talk right now, so just… please call me. Please .” You look back up at him hesitantly, seeing it in his eyes that Dan needs this just as much as Leigh does. It does make sense to you, it was irresponsible to just avoid him now that he’s here. So…
“I’m only doing this for Leigh,” You reply, taking the paper and shoving it down your back pocket. Your son perks up at the sound of his name and you kiss his forehead. “We have to go now.”
“Yeah, of course… um… could I?” Danny reaches a hand for Leigh and you naturally move away from him. He pulls his hand back, looking dejected, as does your boy and God… You don’t want to be the bad guy here. Slowly you shift toward the older man, keeping Leigh in your arms but reaching out enough so that Dan could say goodbye. You don’t know if it’s just your imagination or if Dan actually does choke back a sob.
“Hey buddy,” Danny smiles, getting close to the toddler. Your heart breaks as he kisses Leigh’s head softly, holding his child’s small hand in his large one. “I’ll see you later, okay? I promise .”
“Are you going back to space?” Leigh frowns, and Dan gives out a watery chuckle, shaking his head while wiping away what you think is a tear. Dear God, you can’t take it anymore. You start to walk away again, this time Dan letting you go. “Is he?” The little boy whispers to you, putting his head on your shoulder and you know that he’s looking at his daddy.
“I hope not, baby, I really hope not.”
***
Coming back home was difficult. You were immediately bombarded with questions from Leigh, and they weren’t ones you had the mental capacity to answer at the moment. It was times like these that you wished you could be alone in order to process what’s happened, but you had to put Leigh first. Always Leigh first.
“Why didn’t daddy come home with us?”
“Why were you so mean to him?”
“Why was he so sad?”
Why why why why why?
“I don’t know, honey,” you finally say, both of your shoes off. You sit against the door, putting your face in your hands. “I don’t know anything Leigh, so, please…Please just stop asking.”
“Why?”
You groan, moving your hands up to your hair and pulling. Don’t get mad, just count to three, take deep breaths…
“ Why don’t we wait for daddy so we can talk about it together, okay?”
It’s pretty clear that Leigh isn’t satisfied with your answer, because it really isn’t one at all, but nonetheless, the questions stop and he heads for his room. Alone in the quiet of the house, you take out the number in your pocket. You can feel your hand shaking as you hold it, looking at the numbers. It’s not the one you remember. Of course, it’s not. Nothing about Dan was what you remembered. You guys were just kids back then after all. Two kids who didn’t know anything about love but were trying their best even if their best was nowhere near enough.
You groan and curl into yourself. You had worked so, so damn hard to get this far. Everything was going right and now it felt like it was all crumbling apart again, just like before.