Chapter Text
"Thought you'd cash in the favour, huh?" You give your twin a nod.
"Favour?" her wife asks from the chair, reclined all the way back.
"She saved me from an assassination attempt once," you say, adjusting your glasses casually as if that was just another day in the life. (It wasn't, you'd lived in fear for months afterwards, but Rose had 'dealt with' everything. Water under the bridge now.)
"Assassination?" she remarks, one pristinely-shaped eyebrow raised... though is it twitching a little? And oh hey, she's gained a piercing there since the last time you met. Classy little silver ring. Damn. You ain't into her, and you don't share your sister's taste in women (she's got higher standards than your taste in 'all of the above'), but you gotta admit she's got style.
Rose smirks. "A death sentence for crimes against art."
You blow air out of your nose: "Crimes against art snobs! I make what I make. People wanna kill me for that? That's their fault, not mine." You're definitely cool about the fact that people wanna kill you. Definitely.
"That's the spirit." Then she clarifies: "I'm not cashing in the favour here; I fully intend to pay you for this. You'll need the money as compensation."
"Compensation?"
She doesn't answer, which gets you starting to worry.
You play it cool, though, trying to distract yourself from any concerns with a signature Strider ramble. "Yeah, the exchange rate ain't right for a favour cash-in. She saved my life, and all she wants back is a dental checkup for her girl? It don't match up. Rose, when you need paying back, ask for something way less mundane than this. This is just the day job. Ain't no legendary raps written 'bout dentistry."
"I won't debate you on dental raps, though that's more your forte than mine," Rose concedes. "I just feel as if you're underestimating the magnitude of the task I'm asking of you."
"Magnitude?" Something ain't right here. "Am I gonna open her mouth and... I dunno, a fuckin' flock of birds flies out? Rare case of avianitis? They don't teach ya 'bout that one in dental school."
"Just proceed with the checkup, Doctor Strider."
"Gotcha." You yank a pair of gloves from the dispenser and pull them on.
Kanaya's gripping the arms of the chair a little too tight. "Scared of the dentist, huh?" She doesn't respond. "Nothin' to worry about. Gonna be taking extra care here, cos if I fuck up, your wife ain't gonna protect me from the next assassin. I'll have to become a recluse to save my ass. Make nothing but the most mediocre and unprovocative art. Sweet Boring and Hella Lame, in cinemas hopefully never."
You see the corner of her mouth turning up a bit. Yeah. Trying to act all cool and classy, but there ain't nobody out there who doesn't succumb to... you rambling like an idiot and hoping that some of it's funny.
"Alright. Kanaya, let's see that mouth opened up. Wider than that... li''l more-- SWEET JESUS!" You leap back as if you've been stung.
"Now you see," Rose sighs from behind. "Before you ask: yes, she is a vampire."
Keep it cool, Strider. Keep it cool.
You get closer again and... yeah! Those sure aren't canines! Those are fuckin' fangs! Longer than a human has any right to have. And sharp! "Sweet Jesus," you say again, out loud, because saying things in your head is for fuckin' chumps.
You look back at your sister, at her customary neck-concealing scarf, and realise that it might be hiding a little more than hickeys. It ain't a surprise that your sister's into some freaky shit (you are too -- fraternal twins, it's a two-for-one deal), but getting married to a vampire... damn.
You mouth to her, probably out loud by accident: "You fuckin' scored!"
She wiggles her eyebrows and gives a toothy grin. Though her wife's got her beat in the toothiness department.
Alright. Dental checkup on a fuckin' vampire. Your sister-in-law. Your fuckin' vampire sister-in-law. Gotta say, this ain't what you expected when Rose called you up yesterday.
You're kinda morbidly curious now. Do vampires even need molars if they only drink blood?
"I do consume more conventional food as well," she says, and you realise you said that out loud too. "Blood contains the nutrients I need for survival, but food can help to stem that hunger temporarily. Food containing blood in particular. Rose cooks excellent black pudding."
"Wow. Kanaya with the lowdown on the vampire facts. So, regular set of human teeth? Just with added fang?"
She nods.
"Alright. I'll take a look, I guess."
You briefly consider putting on another set of gloves, just for that extra bit of fang-proofing, but decide against it based on a half-remembered bit of wisdom about never wearing two condoms (increases the chances of tears, both while you're at it and when your partner's finding out about their STD and/or baby). Besides, ain't no good a second layer of latex is gonna do you against blood-sucking fangs. You're playing paper against scissors either way.
"I'll thank you not to bring up scissoring in the context of your sister-in-law," Rose snarks. Fuck, were you thinking out loud again? "Yes, you were. Especially for the bit about condoms. Glad to know you've overcome the perils of growing up in Texas, managing against the odds to learn the basics of safe sex."
"Trust me, I ain't getting my boyfriend pregnant any time soon," you say. You're pretty sure it ain't even possible at this point. He's been on hormones long enough for his uterus to realise it ain't wanted and shut up shop.
"No problem. Myself and Kanaya have our sights set on adoption. We'll be more than able to make up for your lack of ambition in the childrearing department."
"Oh shit, really? Y'all gonna find yourself a weird gothy orphanage, move in, take the ready-made kids as your own?"
"Unfortunately, I'm planning to do this legally for once. Orphanage theft tends to be frowned upon by the authorities, and while I'd usually take that as a challenge, living outside the law is apparently more difficult with small children involved. Regardless, expect yourself to be figuratively drowning in niblings sometime next year."
"Can you not bring up nibbling with your wife's killer fangs in the room?"
And suddenly the heat's back on Kanaya, after the brief reprieve of sibling banter. You've unwittingly put the heat on her again, though, and it's pretty clear she's getting nervous.
"Ah, shit," you say. "Yeah, we really gotta get on with this."
"Please," she wavers.
"Right." You take a mouth mirror from your tray of tools; she opens wide. "Chin up a bit... yeah, that's good." You lower the mirror inside, thankful that its long handle doesn't require you to get too close to the fangs, and... ah shit, you're gonna have to get your fingers all up in her mouth to move her lips aside. She's almost sweating, her jaw trembling, and you can tell she's on the verge of biting down. Must be some kinda reflex.
"Here," says Kanaya, using a shaky slender finger to pull at the corner of her mouth for a better look at her molars (which do, apparently, exist).
"Thanks," you say, swivelling the mirror around and... man, you can tell why she needed a checkup. You withdraw the mirror and break her the news: "Welp. Wisdom tooth's growing in at some janky angle. That's... that's gonna need removal. I got local anaesthetic if you want it done now...?"
"It doesn't work on me," Kanaya trembles. You can tell from the panic in her eyes that she knows it from experience.
"Oh. Shit." You've had patients like that before, but none of them had situations as specific as Kanaya's. "Uh, well, I don't got any general anaesthetic, and I ain't no anaesthesiologist, so I wouldn't be able to have ya out safely anyway. So..." You fidget with the wristband of your glove. "Got no choice but to do it with you awake. And feeling all the pain. You, uh. You cool with that?"
Kanaya's silent. Her breathing shudders.
Rose gets up from her chair to come over and rest a hand on her wife's. "Kanaya... from the sound of it, it's your only option. But you can withstand so much, you've done so in the past. You've survived an attempt on your life, you came back from the brink of death."
What is it with your family and assassination attempts? (You can tell you said that one out loud from the way Rose purses her lips.)
Kanaya speaks: "Dave, may I converse with you alone?"
Rose looks briefly dismayed, but looks to you for your response.
"I... yeah, that's cool."
Your sister nods and leaves the room. You're left alone with her wife, still in the dentist's chair with you standing above her -- you pull up the chair Rose was sitting on and sit beside Kanaya instead, to even things up a li'l.
"So..." You struggle to find an opening line. "Did my sis marry into the house of Maryam-Dracula or what?"
She doesn't respond. You get the impression this ain't something she's up to joke about.
"My family had a private doctor, sworn to secrecy about our condition," Kanaya begins. "But I am... estranged from my family, and as such it was necessary that we find someone else who could tackle this issue. Someone we could personally trust to not spread the word."
"Damn." You're not sure what to think... but you're curious. "How come nobody knows about this? I mean, those fangs are pretty fuckin' noticeable."
"Usually, it's a simple matter of blacking out the points of the fangs and smiling with my mouth closed." Then she gives a nervous laugh: "And avoiding dentists."
"Oh, so is that why I don't see ya much? Gotta be wary of Dave Strider, Tooth Sleuth. Well, I sleuthed it, and by 'sleuthed' I guess I mean just took a look in your mouth and saw the fuckin' fangs? So, uh, yeah. I know now. And I ain't spillin' that secret, trust me. Keeping it under wraps, wraps tighter than my raps, that's, uh, wraps with a W for the first 'wraps' and R-A-P-S for the second..."
Damn. She ain't smiling. Mouth closed or open.
"Dave, I need to trust you," she says, simply and plainly. "This will not be easy by any means. I need you to make this as quick as you can, while also minimising pain... when possible. Having even minor surgeries like this performed without the aid of local anaesthetic is an immensely painful experience. It's unavoidable. Any care you can take to make it slightly less excruciating will be welcome."
You can hardly imagine it. You're usually on this side of the dentist's chair, but on the few occasions you've been on the other, the procedures have been pretty quick and painless. You weren't lucky enough to dodge the wisdom teeth bullet either, but for you it was a quick process of going numb, waiting while they took it out, and all done.
"I imagine you might also need to trust me," she adds. "As you said earlier, I do have a certain reflex. I'm inclined to bite down whenever blood vessels come near my mouth... such as those in your fingers."
You look to your gloved fingertips in fear, treasuring the possible last moments you have with them intact -- you see now what Rose meant about compensation. Then an idea comes to you, and you look to one of your cupboards instead -- you head over, look inside, and sure enough, there it is. "You cool with a gag? Not the kinky kind, or the kidnapping kind. The 'keep your mouth open in operations' kind."
She peers up at it when you hold it for her to see, and all of a sudden it looks terrifyingly flimsy. "I'm not sure that will suffice," she says, quiet. "But perhaps it will help a little."
Well, uh, that's something.
"Look, Kanaya..." You head back over to her chair and sit down beside her again. "I ain't gonna lie. Your teeth are fuckin' scary, and I value my fingers, y'know? But..." You breathe in, breathe out. "This needs doing. I'm the best person to do it. So I'm gonna." You pause, anxiously pulling at one of your glove's fingertips. "And you know Rose! She wouldn't trust that two plus two equals four. But she trusts you. Hell, she married you! Rose Lalonde finding someone she trusts enough for 'till death do us part', never thought I'd see the day." Your eyes drift to the rings on her finger. An engagement ring set with jade, accompanied by a simpler wedding band. Both silver. Wait, how can she bear to wear those? Don't vampires...
You give yourself a mental slap. Focus, Strider.
You look into her eyes as best you can manage. "If Rose can trust you, I can trust you. To try not to bite my fingers off, or skewer me on a fang or whatever. Yeah. I trust you." You give her a small smile, and try to mean it as much as you can. "'Sides, I meant what I said earlier. Without Rose 'dealing with things', I'd be forced into tepid art hell. Nobody wants to see Sweet Boring and Hella Lame. Nobody."
"I am thankful for your dedication to preventing such lukewarm creations from becoming reality," she remarks, a bit of a smile returning to her face. "And, of course, your assurance of trust. I..." Her jaw's quivering, trying to speak but failing for a while. You nod a bit, acknowledging her, and eventually she speaks. "I'm still scared. My past experiences with procedures of this kind have not been pleasant. To say the least. But as you said, Rose is slow to trust, and yet she trusts you. So... transitively, I suppose I should trust you as well. It's difficult, though, especially considering the imminent excruciating pain. Like your sister, trust is not something I am accustomed to."
"Hey, that makes three of us," you say, throwing in a nervous laugh. "Yeah, me and Rose... weird and fucked up childhood. Probably getting into Freud territory here, good thing she ain't in the room. We didn't see each other much, but when we did... she was the only person who'd been through as much bullshit as I had. We could look at that bullshit together. Go 'hey, ain't that some bullshit'. And then attempt to be normal kids, but underneath all that we knew that we both understood. You know?"
She breathes in. Breathes out. "I never had that as a child. I lived an isolated, lonely youth. I never knew anyone to have shared the experience until I was nearing adulthood. Rose... she understands. It is good to feel understood."
"Yeah. Gonna be real with ya, Kanaya. Having basically no one growin' up? It fuckin' sucks. Speakin' from experience, here. I've sniffed that pile of bullshit, and it smells fuckin' rank."
She laughs. "It really is such bullshit."
"Yup. So, if ya ever need someone other than Rose to help ya sniff that weird stonk..." You attempt to lower your shades in a smooth coolkid fashion, to give her an ironic wink, but instead you manage to pull your shades right down your face. Score one for Strider.
But hey, that got a genuine laugh! Probably at least partially at your expense, but fuck it, it's something. "Then perhaps I will share its malevolent scent with you someday. For now, I think I'm ready. That is, as ready as I can be for this." Yeah, she's still clearly pretty nervous. But she's smiling. And she means it.
"Alright." You yell: "ROSE!" And in comes your sister, like a new father consigned to the waiting room while her wife popped out a baby. Or a wisdom tooth. Or whatever.
"Relating newborn children to teeth now, are we?" Surprise surprise, you were mumbling your internal monologue again. She's deliberately not completing that observation on babies and teeth, just letting it stew in your mind with whatever fucked-up images that bubble up. Dammit, Rose.
"Strange mental images aside, I would like to get started on this now," Kanaya says. "And Rose..." She doesn't need to finish the sentence. Rose comes over to hold her hand.
Kanaya laughs weakly. "I'll make my best attempt to not crush your hand."
"I arm-wrestled the Zahhak boy once," Rose replies. "I'll be fine. I'm here for you. Though, one more thing..."
With her other hand, she draws a flask from the lining of her jacket. You eye it with suspicion. "What's in there?"
"Neat vodka. Don't give me that look, it's for emergencies only. It might help ease the pain, at least a little." She passes it to her wife, who takes a good swig and tries not to gag.
Kanaya hands the bottle back. Then: "Dave?"
"Yeah?
"Let's get this dealt with. Please."
You're really, reallyglad that you tend to keep a spare box of rubber gloves on hand. You went through something like fifty pairs of them, having to switch every time you tore the plastic on her fangs or -- worse -- she couldn't hold back her bite reflex. She broke the first gag, and by the time you were finished, she'd left the second mangled beyond repair.
You're very, very glad you still have as many fingers as you did this morning. Some of them aren't even bleeding that much! As for the others... you're suddenly extremely thankful for Rose's 'compensation'.
And there's Kanaya. Her breathing's slowing down back to normal. She looks like she's pulled five-all nighters in a row, in the space of half an hour. And no surprise. "Thank goodness that's over," she says, speech slightly warped by the cotton roll in her mouth. "And thank you, Dave."
Rose's hand is red and sore from Kanaya's vice grip. "Yes, thank you. I'm no expert, but I think that was as clean as it could be considering the circumstances." She hesitates. "Well done."
You give them a weak grin, looking down to the ground. "Yeah. Any time."
Now that's a case study they'll never teach.
You give Kanaya some time to rest, still lying back in the chair, and eventually she's recovered enough to leave. But you call to her as she's on her way out: "Hey, Kanaya?"
"Yes?"
"Talk to me any time, yeah?"
She gives you a toothy smile.