Archive of Our Own ^beta

Changkyun knows he's smart.

Not even because he was on top of his class in school, because he is the only one who remembers their schedule including the exact date, time and place or because he can finish the crossword puzzles Minhyuk likes to do faster than the other can even raise his pencil.

No, Changkyun knows he's smart because he can read other people's feelings in the blink of an eye, not even to mention his own. He is good with feelings, if that is a way to phrase it. He knows what he wants and when he wants it; he knows if it is realistic to believe something is going to work out or not; and he knows what to do in order that get what he desires.

Lately, however, Changkyun hasn't been feeling all that smart.

He can hear the sounds of bed sheets rustling from where he is lying, his gaze directed to the ceiling. It is painted in white during the day, a light tint of yellow from how many years have passed, but in the darkness of the room it seems grey. If he had some weird superman ability to shoot lasers from his eyes, the ceiling probably wouldn't even exist anymore by now, because he cannot count the hours he has spent lying in his bed and staring up at it.

He dares to estimate, though, that it is about the same amount of time he has spent looking at his left. If he turns his head a bit from the position he is in, maybe about eighty degrees, his eyes passing the corner of the room, the wooden material of the other bunk's ladder, a light blue blanket and then a head of brown hair. Hazelnut maybe, or a bit darker, like mahogany. Or not, cross that, no mahogany. Mahogany is too red. Perhaps walnut. It looks different depending on the light.

His eyes flicker to that exact direction; in the early morning hours it is still a bit darker than in the sunlight, and Changkyun can't decide which color he likes the most. It's not important, because their stylists will decide to change it again in a few days or weeks, like they always do, and he is convinced everything will look beautiful.

Normally, Changkyun isn't one to wake up early. He likes sleeping, more than he should, probably. But lately, something has had him opening his eyes before everyone else and he isn't used to the silence. It gives him way too much capacity to think. And usually, Changkyun likes thinking, about the world and his life and his future--well, maybe not his future because it makes him freeze in fear--and about just everything. Maybe he likes thinking because he is smart but, as previously said, Changkyun hasn't been feeling very smart lately.

Now, for example, as he lets the warm feeling in the pit of his stomach get the best of him; he turns his head, letting his glance rest on the boy sleeping in the bunk bed opposite to his, half of his face buried in the pillow and the other half almost entirely hidden by the blanket. It intensifies the feeling until he feels it is overwhelming, his elbows pressing against his sides as he forces himself to look away.

Changkyun knows it is dumb to look at Kihyun. He asks himself if he has even learnt anything during his twelve years of education, or if they have just forgotten to teach him the important things. Suddenly, he understands why all of his classmates complained about the subjects not having anything to do with real life. He had always thought mathematics and formulas would help him, but maybe he just hadn't had the slightest idea about living, because all he can think of right now is just how much time he wasted with those things, while Kihyun is lying just two meters away from him and differential calculus is the thing helping him the least.

If there would even be anything to learn, Changkyun thinks, he doesn't know. He feels different each time he looks at Kihyun, so there is no way to describe the exact feeling. It's like electricity sometimes, when his hand brushes Kihyun's, or he catches the other looking at him. And on other days it just feels like a painful headache and Kihyun must have surely noticed just how many painkillers Changkyun asks for lately--

He turns around, burying his face in his pillow. It's easier to look at Kihyun when he is asleep, because then there is no chance he'll notice the loving expression Changkyun is sure his eyes carry in them. But it's also hard, because the more he looks at Kihyun as he is sleeping, the stronger his urge to climb out of his own bed and into Kihyun's gets. And Changkyun isn't used to not being able to stay away from what he wants.

And then next thing he knows is someone tapping onto his shoulder, and he turns around only to be met with Kihyun's face, so goddamn close he is sure Kihyun can hear his breath hitch.

He has to know what he does to me. He has to know how much I want to touch him.

But somehow Kihyun never does, or maybe he is just good enough at hiding it. It's what Changkyun has been struggling with for an eternity now. He is good with feelings, but he is bad at hiding them. He hates hiding them; all he wants to do is scream how much Kihyun means to him because he fears the other doesn't know. But he is also incredibly selfish, because he wants himself to mean just as much to Kihyun. And maybe he doesn't; it makes himself look away quickly, before his hands can reach out for the other's face.

"Happy Birthday, sleepy," Kihyun teases him, chuckling a bit as Changkyun presses his eyes together, even though he has never been more awake. Because that's what Kihyun always does--teasing. Probably he doesn't even notice, but his fingers have strings around them that are attached to some part of Changkyun's body he has no control about.

"Morning, hyung," he whispers more to his pillow than to Kihyun. Each action of the other drives him closer to something he shouldn't do, and he feels like it's driving him crazy. When did this happen? When did he give Kihyun more control about himself than Changkyun himself possesses?

"You're cute."

And when Changkyun opens his eyes, Kihyun is already waking the others up, not looking at him anymore, and Changkyun is reminded of why he closes his eyes so often when Kihyun is around him. He can pretend Kihyun is looking at him differently, or that his fingers are close to the strand of hair he wants Kihyun to brush out of his face so badly. If his eyes are open, he has to face Kihyun probably isn't.

"Changkyun?" Kihyun calls out for him and he turns to his left, admiring how fragile Kihyun looks in his pyjamas. He paints a smile on his face, and notices how Kihyun ruffles through his disheveled hair like that had been the reason for Changkyun smiling.

"Already up," Changkyun replies, throwing his blankets off him. He will come back to staring at his ceiling and overthinking soon. He has done for quite a while already. For now, he wants to pretend he is smart, and that his heart doesn't flutter looking at Kihyun.

He smiles. "Can you make me pancakes for breakfast, hyung?"

___

"I'm tired, Kyun ..."

"Just one episode more. I swear, I will go to bed after that and I won't even look at my phone anymore."

"Your parents seemed so nice a few weeks ago, I absolutely cannot believe they didn't teach you not to lie."

"Who said I was lying?"

"I would hit you if I wasn't feeling like being nice today. And don't you dare say I am weak. Minhyuk had a bruise yesterday."

"You sound like you're proud of hitting him."

"Not saying it didn't give me satisfaction to see him apologize."

Changkyun turns his head, laughing at the confident expression on Kihyun's face. "I already asked myself why he was all sulky."

"Minhyuk's cute when he's trying to be angry," Kihyun responds, leaning onto Changkyun as he pulls the blanket higher. "Except Hyunwoo isn't after Minhyuk came running to him, complaining about how mean I am."

"Expectable."

"Hey, you think I am mean?" Kihyun tries to sound offended but Changkyun knows that he doesn't. He had some problems sorting out Kihyun's feeling at first, something entirely unknown to him, but by now it easy for him to know how the other is feeling. It gives him a sense of reassurance.

"Not if we watch another episode together."

Kihyun rolls his eyes.

It's rare, a situation like this, a few hours of freedom to do whatever they want. But that makes Changkyun feel even more grateful, the fact Kihyun is willing to spend that time with him. Somehow, the two of them have grown closer of the last few months, close enough for Kihyun to feel comfortable enough to snuggle up next to Changkyun, leaning onto his frame as he chooses the next episode on the laptop resting on their legs.

Changkyun turns his head, looking at him. Somehow he's been doing that a lot lately, looking at him, stealing glances whenever he can. He hasn't yet completely sorted out the feeling in his chest that blooms in between his ribs when he feels Kihyun's warmth on his skin--or rather, he has, but is refusing to acknowledge it. Changkyun always knows what he is feeling, it's just a question of whether he wants to think about it or not.

And he hasn't for the past few months, or weeks, how long this has been going on apparently. He doesn't feel comfortable thinking about it, because thinking always has a consequence for him, and he isn't so sure if it would be a good one this time.

But Kihyun makes it hard for him. He is so warm, and so small next to Changkyun under the bed sheets, and Changkyun begins to ask himself what he had thought getting into such a situation with him. This is bound to go wrong. Somehow, he already knows this.

"Hyung?"

The pictures are flickering over the screen of the laptop, and Changkyun doesn't know when he had started looking more at Kihyun than at the show, and he has no idea what it is about anymore. Kihyun's eyes are focused on the screen, the light illuminating his face in the dark room. Minhyuk and Hyunwoo might still be out eating, the others are in the living room watching tv. The room is quiet apart from the voices coming out of the laptop's speaker. They seem muffled.

"Hm?" Kihyun hums and shifts slightly beneath the blanket, his leg against Changkyun's.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Don't say you want to watch another episode," Kihyun says, but he is smiling. "I want to make you happy, but I won't have you sleeping during practice tomorrow."

I want to make you happy. "Have you ever been in love?"

Now, Kihyun turns around, sitting up a bit below the blanket. Changkyun doesn't know why he is reacting like this, or if he's just imagining the nervous expression on his face. "Why are you asking me?"

"Just ... wanted to know." He puts an apologetic smile on his face, but his brain is screaming at him; what is he doing. He had thought about this, not entirely, but enough to be sure it wouldn't be a good idea to come close like this--

"Yeah, I think so," Kihyun answers, but his voice seems different. Changkyun can see him closing his eyes for a few seconds. He has to be tired; they've been watching that stupid show for hours. Changkyun's just too stubborn to admit he doesn't care about the show the slightest. He just wants Kihyun to stay next to him.

"Were you a couple?" he continues, although the thought of it makes his heart ache. But Kihyun shakes his head.

And then Changkyun loses it. "I've never kissed anyone."

He doesn't know why he says this. It's not like he has the urge to reach for Kihyun's face and taste his lips just because he wants to kiss someone. It's because he wants to kiss Kihyun and he has no idea if he should let him know that.

Kihyun is looking at the tv screen again, but then his eyes are closed and his head is leaning against Changkyun's shoulder, just slightly, before he tilts back again and opens his eyes, blinking. It could've been a minute or even twenty, Changkyun doesn't know. He wants to say something else, but he waits for Kihyun--he knows whatever Kihyun says, it will likely result into him doing something incredibly wrong, and so some part of him just hopes he has fallen asleep.

But Kihyun hasn't. And suddenly his hand is on Changkyun's beneath the blanket, his fingers pressing against Changkyun's gently and he is gone. "Me neither."

And so it happens. It just happens. Changkyun doesn't know how to explain it, but he reaches out for Kihyun's face, his hand cupping his cheek, and kisses him.

Kihyun's lips are warm, so warm Changkyun's hand trembles, his heart about to jump out of his chest. He is so close to him he can feel Kihyun's nose brushing against his, can feel his breath on his skin, and he wants to cry because it feels so good.

Maybe he can actually feel his eyes starting to tear up, but he is already pulling away again, his lips moving against Kihyun's for a second before they are gone. He searches for his glance. But Kihyun is already looking at him, his eyes wide in shock and a hundred different things Changkyun can't decipher.

And Changkyun's heart drops. He lets his hand go, pulling away entirely, his heart throbbing in his chest.

"What ...?" Kihyun's voice is small, his hand over Changkyun's disappearing and something inside his chest cracks. "Changkyun?"

Changkyun doesn't seem to be able to answer for a second. He is tearing up for real now, but not because of the same reasons as before.

"I--I am so sorry," he manages to stutter, his voice loud, sitting up and throwing the blanket off him, hurrying to get out of the bed. His legs and arms are shaking as he tries to climb over Kihyun's body, Kihyun's hand weakly falling from his wrist as he reaches out for him, but Changkyun is already leaving.

He doesn't know where he is going. He just feels like he is never going to be able to return. And so it takes a while for him to get away far enough to let his hurting legs rest, snow falling down in flakes around him as he sinks down onto a bench so far away from where he wants to be, hands shaking in the pockets of his trousers because he didn't put a jacket on.

He should be happy to have kissed Kihyun, finally, after he imagined it so many times, after weeks and months of Kihyun being the only thing he could think about, the other being the only thing to ever have meant so much to him. But somehow, he isn't.

__

Two months pass by pretty fast, Changkyun notices. It's like falling asleep and waking up, and even though you know so many things have changed, it still catches you by surprise. He feels like that, sitting at the kitchen table, eating his pancakes and watching Kihyun with his back facing him, cleaning up the kitchen counter and humming a song he doesn't recognize.

Changkyun would never tell anyone, but he's hurting. He doesn't tell anyone because firstly, no one is asking, and even if they do, they are asking if he is hungry, or maybe sick, but definitely not if he is still in love with Kihyun and heartbroken whenever he looks at him. He doesn't tell anyone, secondly, because he would be afraid of them reacting like it's completely ridiculous, and maybe, probably, it is.

Kihyun isn't the problem, but maybe that's the problem. If Kihyun was the problem, things would be easy for Changkyun. Not loving someone who hates you is easier than not loving someone who cooks you pancakes on your birthday and dripples chocolate on them because they know you love it.

However, Kihyun doesn't hate him.

But he doesn't love him either.

It's hard to remember for Changkyun what exactly happened after that night. He remembers the kiss because it meant more to him than anything else that ever happened in his life, and he'd rather forget everything after that. He likes to remember Kihyun's worried glance as Hyunwoo laid him down in bed after he turned up at the front door with fever the next day.

But maybe that was just a dream, because other than that, there was an awful long time of things being awkward between them.

Except they never talked about it. Which is exactly what bothers Changkyun. He had been too shy, too self-conscious about it to bring the topic up again after he was feeling better, and Kihyun didn't, either. There was just a point after one or two weeks that Kihyun talked to him like nothing had happened, and Changkyun went with it. And probably that was the fault, because for a month now, he's been wondering if it hadn't been better to just get a clear no from Kihyun.

He tries not to let it eat him up. But it does. It does every second Kihyun looks at him, and although he has become kind of numb to everything else, his heart hasn't yet.

He stuffs another piece of pancake into his mouth. A little over five weeks ago, he had been about to talk about it to Kihyun, to apologize another time and make sure things were okay between them (even though Changkyun obviously wasn't). But then they had had a discussion with their manager over relationships because someone who had looked like Wonho had been seen with a girl and caused a whole struggle for the company to clear things up, and maybe, Changkyun had thought, maybe it was just better to completely suffocate his love and hope it would go away.

Except it didn't.

And so here he was sitting, in the middle of the kitchen, staring at Kihyun and his hazelnut hair and almost about to tear up again.

It is stupid, he thinks. On one hand, he so desperately wants a clear answer from Kihyun, but then, he had already given him one by not kissing him back and looking at him like he had just made an incredible mistake. And although Changkyun refuses to look at their kiss as an mistake, it doesn't matter, because even without Kihyun's answer, he should know where he stands and that what he wants to badly would never happen. Still, there were days like today, when everyhing seemed just so hard to cope with.

"Are you okay?"

Changkyun looks up. If Kihyun was just a little less adorable and caring, he thinks, it wouldn't be so difficult to fall out of love. But even though he seemed to hold back a bit initially after what had happened, he is in his full mother mode again by now, and Changkyun wants nothing more than to just wrap a blanket around him and hold him close forever. His hands ache to.

"Uh, yeah, sure." He yawns. "Just a bit tired."

"You can sleep on the plane later," Kihyun tries to cheer him up, taking his empty plate as Changkyun finishes eating, and hushes him into the bathroom.

I was on a good way, Changkyun tries to reassure himself as he brushes his teeth, running his hands through his hair. And he really had been. A few days ago, he had woken up to Kihyun touching his shoulder like he always did, and his hands had, for the first time in ages, not twitched with the need to reach out for Kihyun.

It was a small victory, for maybe a few hours, although it didn't feel like one. To be honest, it made Changkyun feel like throwing up, the sole thought of not loving Kihyun as much as before. He just couldn't imagine not having these feeling anymore after such a long time. It was like they had become a part of him that was ripped out painfully. It felt like saying Kihyun didn't deserve his love anymore, which was the opposite of what Changkyun believed. Even if Kihyun didn't know about the size of his love, he still deserved to be loved by him.

But he shouldn't have feared falling out of love, as he was painfully reminded of just how much it hurt only half a day later. He didn't know how he ended up crying in the back of the van as everyone else was sleeping, but maybe it had been the way Kihyun had been carrying Minhyuk on stage or they way he had held his hand during that one stupid game, it was all just so ridiculous, but he couldn't help letting it get the best of him.

He was jealous whenever anyone touched Kihyun, and even more whenever Kihyun touched anyone. Kihyun touched him, too, but somehow Changkyun always imagined his touches towards everyone else to be more meaningful, and it drove him crazy.

Love was such a strange and painful thing and Changkyun was so tired of pretending Kihyun didn't mean anything to him.

Because that was what he had been trying to do the last two months. To not care about Kihyun any more than a friend would do, and apparently Kihyun had been believing him. No matter how much Changkyun thought about it, he just couldn't imagine what exactly Kihyun thought about him or what he had done that night. Maybe he was just too considerate to speak about it anymore, and really, Changkyun should be grateful.

Except he isn't.

"How's our birthday kid doing?"

Changkyun looks up, pulling one of his earphones out. He doesn't even have any music on them; he just wants to be left alone, but that doesn't mean Minhyuk won't talk to him. Minhyuk is unstoppable. If he wants to talk to some, he will find a way to. Exclude Kihyun, if he isn't in the mood to be hit.

"Fine, I guess," Changkyun answers, because he is suddenly reminded of his and Kihyun's conversation that night and feels a knot form inside of his throat. "How much time do we have left?"

He likes being on planes, normally. He can sleep and listen to music and ignore the fact that they are are ever going to land. But Kihyun is sitting diagonally across from him and Changkyun's eyes keep flickering to his figure. It feels like that night, only the light of the screen in front of him illuminating his face on the dark plane, and Changkyun clutches his jacket tighter. He hates feeling like he has no control whatsoever, and it needs just one move for Kihyun to crash Changkyun's heart inside of his fist.

"Six hours," Minhyuk answers and shoots Changkyun another glance before leaning back and closing his eyes. There really isn't anything Changkyun feels like doing now, and so he puts his muted earphones in another time, letting his gaze rest on Kihyun. He can at least look at him, and maybe, if he is really brave, imagine Kihyun would've kissed him back that night.

___

"Are you hungry? Or do you need something to drink?"

It's adorable how Kihyun cares for him. He's looking at Changkyun like he hasn't seen food or water in a week, disregarding the fact they've just eaten dinner on the plane. It makes Changkyun's body ache in the most delicious of ways, his mind screaming at him, but he can't help but wish Kihyun wouldn't be so goddamn caring. He makes it hard for Changkyun to think rationally, and it wouldn't hurt being a bit smarter than back then, he believes.

"I really cannot believe you're always babying him," Wonho playfully rolls his eyes, and Changkyun can see Kihyun blushing a bit, quickly pulling his hand away from his shoulder. Oh great. He loves feeling like crying in front of all the others, and especially in the middle of a hotel lobby.

It's kind of ironic, really, how much he has cried because of Kihyun, and how the other has almost never seen him cry, except for the one time on stage and the evening he was really sick, maybe a year ago. Still, he believes it would be better for it to stay like this.

He doesn't understand why Kihyun is like this. Either he wants to hurt Changkyun, or he is just completely oblivious to how much Changkyun really loves him. Either way, it's painful and Changkyun just wants to spend the rest of his birthday curled up beneath a blanket.

They have an agreement of not giving presents to each other, but somehow Changkyun can't help but hope Kihyun will give him anything, maybe just a bit of his time, though he doubts Kihyun will ever let himself be persuaded to watching a movie together. It makes his stomach clench in sorrow; he doesn't want to regret it, but at the same time, he feels so guilty about what happened that it makes him sick.

"So, we have three rooms with twin beds and one room with a single bed," their manager explains and Changkyun shoots a glance at Kihyun. It might be a bad idea, but Changkyun really hasn't been that smart lately, and he can't bring himself to care at that moment. It's his birthday and his whole body aches to be with Kihyun, just be in a room with him, to just talk to him, do anything. Because even though Kihyun is behaving so normal, he still feels like there is a barrier between them ever since their lips touched.

He's still thinking about whether it would be too obvious to ask Kihyun before anyone else says something, when Kihyun takes the decision out of his hands.

"I will room with Minhyuk," he says, not even looking at Changkyun, and Changkyun feels his heart drop. He should have expected this, really. What did he think that Kihyun would do? Lay his arm around his shoulders and cuddle with him beneath a blanket? If Changkyun is honest with himself, he can be happy Kihyun doesn't give him the shame of turning his proposition down in front of everyone else.

"I'll take the single room," Changkyun manages to get out without his voice breaking, reaching out for the keys in his manager's hand and quickly grabbing the one he holds out for him. He can feel the other's surprised glances on him, even more as he takes his suitcase and begins to walk towards the elevator. He can't look into Kihyun's eyes; he won't let him see the hurt expression in them. The least thing he wants now is Kihyun's pity or anything similar.

His eyes are burning as the doors of the elevator open, but he manages to hold back his tears until he has closed the door of his room behind him securely, making sure no one is going to see him crying. That will just lead to a lot of questions and questions are everything he doesn't want right now.

He falls down onto the bed, eyes directing towards the ceiling. Here he is now, looking at the ceiling again and feeling even worse than this morning. There will be no Kihyun to look at when he wakes up and even though he knows Minhyuk and Kihyun are just friends, hell, who even said Kihyun liked guys, he cannot help wishing to swap places with Minhyuk.

It's not even about the rooms--no, it's about the way Kihyun behaves around Minhyuk. They laugh around each other, and fight, and then they make up. It's not what Changkyun and Kihyun are like; towards Changkyun, Kihyun is always just so caring, but since that night never enough to make it look like there is something between them. It's like he's wandering on that fine line of friendly carefulness, but keeps the distance causing them to never even have something to fight about.

It's like Kihyun is trying to hold Changkyun arm-length away from him, Changkyun realizes, staring at that white ceiling. He's not giving Changkyun anything more than he needs to give, because emotions make him vulnerable and Kihyun apparently doesn't want to be vulnerable around Changkyun.

And suddenly, it is worse than if Kihyun would hate him.

___

"Changkyun?"

There is a knock on his door. Changkyun opens his eyes, although they feel sticky. He doesn't recognize the voice, as it is so quiet outside his room. Maybe it's Hyungwon asking him to go eat something with them. Hyunwoo came by perhaps half an hour ago, but Changkyun refused. He felt sick, he told him, his voice close to breaking from the lie. He really feels sick though, but most likely another kind of sick than they would expect upon hearing his words.

It's kind of ironic, Changkyun thinks, how it's his birthday and he is supposed to be happy when the only person who could achieve that makes him so sad.

He thinks about not answering for a second, until the voice calls out a second time.

"Changkyun?"

It's Kihyun, of course. Somehow it's always Kihyun.

Changkyun decides he'll just pretend he is sleeping.

"Hey, Changkyun ..." His voice is growing smaller and Changkyun can't keep his eyes closed. His hands clutch the blanket tighter as an immediate reaction, because all he wants to do is all he cannot do.

"Are you awake?" His voice is louder again. If Changkyun had been asleep, he would've woken up by now, and Kihyun probably knows. He's not a deep sleeper, especially not if it's Kihyun waking him up. When, just when, did he let the control get out of his hands, Changkyun asks himself.

"I'm not hungry," he shouts, and he really isn't. All of a sudden, he hates all of this, the way Kihyun is so caring towards him, the way he pretends Changkyun means something to him. Obviously, he doesn't, because if he did, Kihyun wouldn't be like this. He wouldn't hold Changkyun away like this, and he would trust Changkyun to keep his feelings bottled up.

And with the realization that all they are doing is dancing around the unavoidable truth in an attempt to make it hurt less although all it does is hurt more, comes the resignation and a feeling of having enough that Changkyun has never experienced just as strongly as this.

"It's your birthday," Kihyun shouts back, and Changkyun's heart flutters. "Please, don't ... Please let me in."

"Go out eat with the others," is all that Changkyun answers. He doesn't understand what Kihyun is trying to achieve; after all, he was the the one that indirectly said no to rooming with him before Changkyun had even been able to ask.

"I won't let you be all alone in some hotel room on your birthday, Changkyun!"

Kihyun actually sounds a bit angry and it makes a shiver roll down Changkyun's spine. At the same time, though, he feels guilty and childish for behaving like this; it's not Kihyun's fault he just doesn't love Changkyun. But somehow, it makes it just worse.

Changkyun gets up, his legs the slightest bit numb from not moving for some time. He almost trips over his suitcase until he reaches the door, unlocking it and pulling it open.

He wants to say something, words on his tongue, but Kihyun is looking at him with such a sad expression in his eyes that he cannot master any syllables. Kihyun has that kind of spell that makes Changkyun speechless, and drives him to do such stupid things like kissing him. He thinks about kissing Kihyun in the hallway, his back against the wall and his tongue on his lips, and his face is burning. This is exactly why he shouldn't be alone with Kihyun. Maybe the distance is good. Changkyun doesn't know what to think anymore. He is a mess.

"Hey," is all that Kihyun says, and Changkyun dies.

"Hey," is the only thing he can respond with.

"Can I come in?" Changkyun can't think of why Kihyun would want to, but no matter how much he wants him, he shouldn't.

"Are the others going out to eat?" he asks, because he has no idea what else to say. "You should ... you should go with them."

"What about you?"

Kihyun's tone sounds so caring, so worried, that Changkyun's heart is about to burst.

"Why do you care?" he asks, and it comes out sharper than anticipated. It comes out like a knife, sharp enough to cut the curtain between them them that had been hanging there for such a long time now, and he sees something change in Kihyun's eyes.

"Why ... why are you saying this?" He sounds hurt somehow, and it's painful for Changkyun.

"Of course I care. I always care about you."

Changkyun doesn't know what to answer. Maybe Kihyun really cares for him, but it will never be enough. And how do you tell someone what they are doing isn't enough, and will never be? The only way to keep this up is to continue hurting, Changkyun thinks, because he won't let Kihyun get hurt.

"Tell the others I'm not feeling well," he responds and closes the door in front of Kihyun's face. There is no way he's not going to get weak with Kihyun's dark eyes looking at him like this. Kihyun has something about him that makes him forget every rational thought in his mind, and all Changkyun could ever depend on are his rational thoughts. He has never let anyone see this side of him and showing it to Kihyun makes him afraid.

It is silent for a few seconds, as Changkyun sinks down onto the bed and stares at the window; it's getting dark outside, and once again, as if he hadn't done the exact same thing for millions of times before, he thinks about the night he kissed Kihyun, because he wishes so much to go back and do things differently. It's not even about him kissing Kihyun or not, but maybe, maybe he would've held onto him longer, or not let go of his hand, or not left the room because he is always so goddamn afraid. Maybe they would be somewhere else by now then.

"Were you crying?"

Changkyun asks himself why Kihyun's voice is so close all of a sudden, until he feels a hand on his shoulder, and notices he forgot to lock his door a second time. And he just crumbles; there is no way to keep this up with Kihyun touching him. Even such a simple touch makes him shake.

"I wasn't," he whispers, but his hand automatically comes up to rub over his eyes that are probably still red enough for Kihyun to notice. "Please go."

"I won't." And Kihyun is sitting down on his bed; Changkyun can tell by the way the mattress moves, his back still turned to Kihyun. If he doesn't look at him, maybe he can just ignore his presence.

"Kihyun, stop," is all that comes out of his throat. "I'm so tired of all of this. Please, just go."

"Tired?" There is a sense of doubt in Kihyun's voice, a tiny trace of surprise and Changkyun suddenly just wants to scream at him. "Tired of what?"

"This!" he calls out, turning around to let Kihyun see just what he means; both of them. "I'm so tired of all of this and you won't even argue with me, so just leave!"

"Why should I argue with you?" Kihyun looks like he really has no clue why Changkyun is saying this.

Changkyun feels himself tearing up, and, shit, that is the last thing he wants. He's not going to give Kihyun more of himself without ever getting anything back. "Why shouldn't you?! You're arguing with everyone but me! You're showing emotions to anyone but me! You're always keeping me so far away from you and I just--"

"Far away?" Kihyun's voice is become louder, too, and he is reaching out for Changkyun again, and suddenly his hand is touching Changkyun's. It's the first time in ages and Changkyun can feel the goosebumps climbing up his arm. And there it is again - the urge to just lean forward and kiss Kihyun, no matter what situation they are in. Kihyun's lips look so beautiful in the light of the lamp on the nightstand, his features illuminated so softly Changkyun's anger is blown away.

"I'm not keeping you far away from me," Kihyun says, looking at Changkyun in utter shock, like he cannot comprehend his words. "Why would you--Changkyun? Oh god, no, are you crying?"

And Changkyun is. He hates it. He hates the fact Kihyun has enough control over him to make him cry so easily. "Leave me a-alone," he stutters, tears rolling down his cheeks. He wants to pull his hand away, but Kihyun reaches for it again, keeping it securely in his.

"Stop that," he says, reaching for a part of the blanket to wipe Changkyun's tears away. "I won't leave. Kyun, why are you crying? Hey, look at me. Please."

Changkyun can't. He knows he will kiss Kihyun if he does. There is just no way around it. Changkyun is smart for as long as he doesn't look at him, and so he keeps his glance away.

"I d-don't want you to see me crying," he whispers, his voice breaking in between his words. Kihyun's hand drops from his face, and instead comes up to lay his fingers under his chin, gently, softly. Changkyun blinks, trying to get the tears to disappear as Kihyun asks: "Why do you care about that?"

And then he raises his head carefully, and slowly, slow enough for Changkyun to actually think about pulling away, but he can't. All of these weeks Kihyun has been treating him without anything more than friendly carefulness, and Changkyun can't take it anymore. He's so sick of pretending he regrets what he did when Kihyun's hair wasn't hazelnut brown yet, or that it doesn't hurt him how Kihyun behaves.

He knows Kihyun doesn't love him back, and so he doesn't know why he is doing this, but he still does. He reaches for Kihyun's wrist and leans forward, Kihyun's nose brushing his as he stares up into his eyes. Thinking is impossible. Not with Kihyun's breath on his lips, and he just keeps looking at him, and he isn't pulling away, and so Changkyun opens his lips and kisses him as his heart combusts in his chest.

It's like floating, and crashing down onto Earth simultaneously, and Changkyun's grip on Kihyun's wrist tightens as he lets his lips stay on Kihyun's for just a second longer, until his mind comes back and he tilts his head away, Kihyun's hand falling out of his.

"I--I am," he begins, and a fear starts to spread in his body like he is about to be shot. The urge to get away, to hide is growing stronger, just like the first time he kissed Kihyun, except this wasn't an accident. And he still did it. "I--I'm such an idiot, I'm sorry, I mean, I--Kihyun, I--"

He hurries to get off the bed, although he has no idea where to go. He can't look at Kihyun, he doesn't want to see his eyes, he doesn't understand why he did that, again, when all Kihyun ever does is--

"Changkyun," Kihyun whispers, and really, it is just a whisper, and Changkyun's feet are already on the floor, and he is standing up, hurrying to get out of the room, away, before--

"Changkyun, wait, don't--" His voice gets louder, gradually, until Changkyun feels like he's calling out for him, but he keeps trying to walk, why are his legs so weak like this when--

"Changkyun!"

And Kihyun is pulling him around, his hand on Changkyun's arm, and Changkyun lets it happen, because, even if all Kihyun does is hurt him, he will still take it for him.

But Kihyun doesn't hurt him. And stand there and looks at him, Changkyun's back against the wall, and the only thing Changkyun can process is how fast Kihyun is breathing. His mouth is opening and closing again and again and Changkyun presses his eyes together.

He can't look at Kihyun. He can't look at him or else--

But Kihyun is kissing him. Suddenly, his hands are in Changkyun's hair, on his neck and on his cheeks, and his lips are moving against his and Changkyun cannot breathe. It feels so different now that Kihyun is the one waiting for him to kiss him back, and Changkyun's heart just crumbles somewhere inside of his chest.

He pulls Kihyun closer, instinctively, fingertips digging into his waist as he holds him, breathing against him as a silent whimper slips past his lips. And as Kihyun pulls back to gasp for air, he takes a step forward and presses his body against his own, as close as possible, burying his face in the crook of Kihyun's neck and letting the tears roll out of his eyes.

"Don't ever say I'm keeping you away from me," Kihyun begs and Changkyun feels like his ribs are breaking for the sheer force of Kihyun holding onto him.

"But you are," he cries, body shaking in Kihyun's hold. "You're always keeping me away! You--you didn't even want to talk to me after I kissed you! You acted like nothing happened and, and--"

Fear begins to spread inside of him. His hands on Kihyun's waist drop as he takes a step back. "D-does this mean something to you? Or are you just going to pretend it doesn't a second--"

"I never did," Kihyun answers, eyes glistening in the light as he lets his hands rest on Changkyun's arms. "I never pretended it didn't mean anything! You were the one who ran away!"

"Because you don't love me back," Changkyun whispers and Kihyun's grip around his arms softens noticeably. He just looks at Changkyun as he sobs. "You don't even want to be alone with me anymore. You care about me, but not ..." And there it is. "Not enough."

"You didn't even give me the chance to say anything," Kihyun responds, and Changkyun interrupts him: "You could've said something after I came back! How do you think I felt after that kiss? I thought we would never ... you would never look at me again."

"How could I?" Maybe Kihyun is crying now, too, Changkyun can't process it. "I ... I wanted to talk about it. But I thought that, maybe, it didn't mean that much to you. We had never talked about anything like this and I felt so stupid for feeling all of this when maybe you just wanted to ... I don't know, Changkyun. Maybe you just wanted to kiss someone and I was there and I just asked myself why you would ever like me and came to the conclusion you ... you just didn't."

"I would never kiss just anyone," Changkyun whispers, hand coming up to press against his eyes. He's hiccuping. "I didn't dare t-to talk about it because I thought you would if you really felt anything at all, and you didn't, and then the thing with Wonho happened and I--"

"I'm older," Kihyun tries to explain. "I'm the older one. I should be the one making the smart decisions here. To think about what problems this could get us in, I just-- maybe I hoped it would go away, but it didn't."

"I'm s-sorry," Changkyun cries, letting Kihyun go. "T-This is really pathetic, isn't it? I-I just want you to know how much ... you don't have to ... no one will ever know, okay, and we won't get into trouble, and this will never happen again and I--"

"Who said I cared about trouble?"

Changkyun dares to open his eyes, and Kihyun's glance is so intense he feels his body break into tiny little parts. Kihyun's fingers are brushing a strand of hair out of his face just like he always imagined.

"I thought those problems weren't worth it if it were only my feelings," Kihyun whispers. "But if you feel the same, I don't care about them. There's nothing I care less about, to be honest."

Changkyun's hands are shivering as they come up to Kihyun's shoulders. He wants to hold onto him. "D-Does that mean ...?"

There is a soft smile on Kihyun's lips, even though his eyes are still filled with tears. "I ... I might have been in love with you for an awfully long time. Yeah, I guess that is what it means. Do you know you almost gave me a heart attack back then?"

And Changkyun laughs. He can't help but laugh, through all of the crying and his fingertips pressing into Kihyun's skin. It's like a laugh that's been waiting to break out of him for such long time.

"I'm an idiot," he whispers, pulling Kihyun close again, his body hurting at Kihyun's warmth. "I'm sorry, I'm not really that smart around ... around people I love."

Kihyun raises his head, and leans his forehead against Changkyun's, his fingers caressing his face. "Does that mean you love me?"

"I thought we were done with all the teasing," Changkyun smiles, but he nods, a shaky breath leaving his lips. "If it wasn't obvious enough by how often I've embarrassed myself until now, yes, I do."

"You didn't embarrass yourself," Kihyun whispers against his lips. "Without your kisses I might've never been smart enough to do this. I'm the dumb one here. No, Changkyun, you're really smart, okay? Smart enough for me. And I promise I'll make up for all the times I wasn't."

Changkyun might not be that smart around Kihyun, because he makes his brain stop working until the only thing he can feel in his chest in his heart throbbing at every single one of his touches, but Changkyun can live with that. He can live very well with not being the smartest if that means he can give in to the urge to kiss Kihyun whenever he just looks at him.

And maybe it will be just like now, as their eyes lock and Changkyun is leaning forward. And then Kihyun's lips are on his, and no matter if Kihyun's hair is colored hazelnut or mahogany or walnut or if Changkyun has no idea about love and life, it's okay, he thinks, because even if both of them aren't smart, they'll figure it out together.