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When Tommy finally gets to his room, it's the middle of the night, but he doesn't feel like it's any time at all. He's tired in a vaguely overstimulated kind of way, but the possibility of sleep is more wishful thinking than anything. He can't get his brain to shut off, and anyway, it's not exactly the quietest hotel they've ever stayed at. He lumps his bags in a corner and falls onto the bed fully clothed, closing his eyes and just enjoying the privacy of an empty room.
His phone vibrates once in his pocket, breaking him out of a sleepless daze, and he fishes it out listlessly. It's Adam texting.
Can I come in?
Tommy smiles a little, despite everything, and hauls himself up and to the door. Adam is standing outside, biting his lip and flipping his phone anxiously from hand to hand. He drops it just as Tommy opens the door, and they both bend to pick it up, heads almost colliding in the scramble. By the time Adam's phone is back in his hand and they're standing again, they're both laughing.
“You could've knocked,” Tommy says, stepping back and letting Adam in.
“Didn't want to wake you up if you were sleeping,” Adam replies.
Tommy sits back down on the bed and lets his head fall into a hand, gesturing to the noise outside with the other. “Sleep. Right.”
Adam comes to sit next to him, but he leaves a space between their bodies, doesn't put a hand out to touch. “Is there anything I can do to help? I feel so bad....”
“Why? It was my fault.”
“I can't help it.”
Tommy sighs. “No. I'm fine. I'm just tired...and I feel really, really stupid.”
Adam humphs. “Join the club. I haven't slept at all since we got here...too worried. And of course you're fine. Stupid of me.”
At that, Tommy glances up, watching Adam's face. He can see the stress written there, bags under Adam's eyes, tension lining the corners of his mouth. He starts to speak again, but Adam cuts him off, words tumbling messily into the air.
“Tommy...do you ever think...I mean, it's a little fucked up, right? I mean, I freaked out on the plane. Bad. I felt like I couldn't even breathe. And I saw your eyes, when we were leaving. You were just as upset as I was. Maybe more. And I...I care about all my friends. A lot. But this...this isn't normal.”
Tommy stares. Swallows. Says, “Adam...what are you saying?”
“I'm saying that maybe we should...I dunno...get some separation. It's so hard, because touring throws you together, shoves people up against each other, but it's not the real world, and what happens if this is over and we're still all...co-dependent?”
Tommy goes to answer. But then he stops himself, forces his brain to work, tries to think it through. This is serious Adam, and the things that happen when he's like this are the things that define his life, turning points in the road. He'd better make damn sure he gives an honest answer.
Finally, he turns back to Adam, who's chewing on his lips again and watching him. Tommy takes a deep breath. “So...so what if we are?”
Adam's eyes widen.
“I mean, I hate worrying about you. But I think...I think you don't get to that point with a person unless there's maybe a good side to it too. And I know you know what I mean.”
Adam doesn't speak, doesn't move, doesn't react at all. But Tommy's too tired, too out of it, to deal with the complexities of Adam's emotions right now. So instead of trying to figure it out, he leans over and rests his head on Adam's shoulder, and Adam moves on instinct and brings his arm up around, holding Tommy close.
Tommy's half-dozing again when Adam speaks, just a whisper. “God damn it, Tommy, this could fuck with everything, everything...”
“Or it could be really awesome though. And I don't know about you, but I wanna find out.” Tommy's voice is slow and sleepy, and he thinks that he'll probably be embarrassed about speaking so boldly in the morning, but right now he just doesn't care.
As he sinks deeper, he can feel the tension grow in Adam's body, and knows that he's trying to decide if he should leave. Tommy sighs and solves the problem for both of them.
“Wanna stay? Might as well not sleep in my room as not sleep in yours.”
Adam hesitates one last second, and then decides. Done. “Yeah. Yeah I do.”
Tommy falls asleep curled up against Adam, still in his clothes, and though the sound of the engines outside is a shrill constant through the night, he dreams instead of Adam's breathing, slow and steady and soft, a small private sound that only Tommy can hear.