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“Tell me a story, Vegard.” 7-year-old Bård Ylvisåker holds out a story book. Vegard sighs and takes it. Their little brother, Bjarte is just one month old, so their mama and papa don’t have time to read them bedtime stories now.
“What kind of story do you want to hear tonight, Bård?” Vegard asks, flicking through pages as he follows Bård back to his room.
“Ummm… A story with knights!” the little one says excitedly. He jumps on his bed and covers himself from neck to toe with his bed sheets, grinning whole-heartedly. His front teeth are gone, leaving only a large gap in the front of his mouth.
Vegard ruffles his brother’s hair affectionately and says, “Okay, a knight story it is! But you have to promise me you’ll go to sleep after that, alright?”
“Umm…” Bård wrinkles his nose and looks at Vegard, trying to earn himself a later bedtime.
“Bård…” Vegard warns, with the best “big brother voice” he can manage.
“Fine! But it has to be a really good story with knives and a princess!”
"Of course,” Vegard puts the book down on Bård’s bedside table and sits on his bed, “and it’s called a ‘sword’, Bård, not a knife.”
“Vegard!” Bård whines, “The story!”
“Alright, alright!” Vegard clears his throat before starting.
“Once upon a time, in a land called…Umm, in a land called Norgia…”
Bård giggles, “That’s a horrible name!”
“No, it’s not!” Vegard says, “And listen! I’m telling the story. In a land called Norgia, there was a knight called Bård. Now Bård was a great knight with his armor always shiny and his sword could easily cut any tree in half! But now, he had the most important, the most difficult task at hand… He was going to rescue…”
“The princess in the tower!” Bård interrupts loudly.
“Shhh! Quiet down, Bjarte is sleeping!” Vegard says, with a finger on his lips.
Bård copies his brother’s move, “Shhh… Sorry!”
“It’s okay. Now, Bård the Knight was going to the highest tower in all of Norgia to rescue the beautiful Princess…”
“Maria?” Bård suggests.
“Maria! The beautiful princess, Maria, was abducted by a terrible man who wanted to eat her alive!”
“Gross!” Bård curls up and his eyes go wide as he listens to the story intently.
“I know! But don’t worry, Bård the Knight was going to save her! You see, first he had to go across a river, which was home to the deadliest killer fish! Then what was Bård going to do in order to go across the river?”
“He can…umm…” Bård thinks for a minute. “He can cut down a tree and make a little boat out of it!”
“That’s a good idea!” Bård grins. “Thus, Bård the Knight cut a tree in half with his sword and made a boat out of it. He crossed the river safely and then went into the woods, where he found a giant!”
“No!” Bård cries and quickly mutters a “sorry” after that.
“Good news is, the giant was just sleeping. So Bård the Knight slowly, quietly, walked away from the giant without making any sound. Just as he almost made it, guess what happened.”
“What happened?” Bård frowns.
“He stepped on a branch and ‘click’,” Vegard makes a clicking sound, “the giant was awoken by the sound!”
“Noooo!” Bård whisper-screams and covers his mouth with his hands.
“Wait…No. The giant was still asleep! He just changed his position.” Vegard smirks as Bård punches him on the arm with his soft fist.
“Bård the Knight let out a deep breath and kept moving, slowly, quietly. Until! Until he saw…” Vegard pauses, waiting for Bård to fill in the story again.
“A dragon!” he said, with his arms waving around.
“A dragon! A dragon that was awake! Bård the Knight took out his sword, which could cut any tree in half, and prepared for a fight. The dragon roared, ‘Arrrrrggghhh’,” Vegard roars, “Just like that, took its wings out and flew up into the sky!” He points at the sky.
Bård’s sight follows Vegard’s finger, “Cool…”
“That was what the knight, Bård, thought… Before the dragon roared again and flew towards Bård as quick as it could!”
“Duck!” Bård hid his face under the sheets.
“So he ducked. The dragon missed its shot and almost crashed to the ground. It landed on its feet and turned around to face Bård. Bård was scared, of course, but as a knight with an important and difficult mission, he couldn’t just quit, could he?”
Bård shook his head under the sheets.
“So, he mustered his courage, took a deep breath and ran towards to the dragon. ‘Vive la Norgia!’ he cried. The dragon spat fire at Bård, but Bård got away! Then he got away again! He jumped up high and stabbed the dragon in the stomach — Or the area where he thought was the stomach. The dragon growled —”
“Rrrrrragghhh!”
“Good job, Bård! The dragon growled in pain and spat out even more fire! Bård climbed up on the dragon’s foot and stabbed it again and again until its blue blood and guts were coming out!”
“Ewwww!” Bård exclaims.
“Then, using his sword, he stabbed and cut and stabbed,” Vegard says, putting his hands together, imitating holding a sword by holding his hands together and swinging them around,”and finally, after several minutes of fighting, Bård the Knight finally slayed the dragon, without much harm!”
“Yay!” Bård cheers, finally coming out from under his sheets.
“He then stopped to clean the blue blood off his sword and his shiny armor, because one cannot meet a princess covered in a dragon’s blood, and he was on his way again.
“He walked and walked and walked and walked and then, there it was — the highest tower in all of Norgia, the one with Princess Maria inside. Bård had reached his destination!”
Bård looks at Vegard and says, “Just like that? But that was hardly an exciting journey!”
“Yes, it was!” Vegard replies, covering a yawn, “Anyway, Bård was now under the tower and he shouted, ‘Princess Maria!’ But no one answered him. So he cried again.
“‘Princess Maria!’ Still, there was no answer. Thus, withdrawing his sword, Bård the Knight climbed up the tower and went inside through the only window in the tower.
“‘Princess Maria?’ He whispered, thinking that the monster who wanted to eat the princess alive was plotting something horrible.
“’Hey, hi!’” Vegard says with a high-pitched voice,“‘Who are you?’”
“The princess was alone, it seemed. No one else was there besides her and she was wearing an apron, a vague smell of cookies was coming from behind her.
“Bård the Knight was confused—”
“Bård the Ylvisåker is confused, too…” The little one frowns.
“There isn’t a ‘the’ in your name, Bård. Anyway, Bård the Knight was confused and he said, ‘Hi… My name is Bård, I’m a knight from the King’s Guard, and I’m here to rescue you from the terrible man who wants to eat you alive.’
“Hearing this, the princess laughed, as if it was the funniest joke ever. ‘The man who wants to eat me? Bård, my friend, did you come in through the window?’
“‘…Yes, your grace.’ He replied.”
“Why does he say ‘your grace’?” Bård asks.
“Because Maria was a princess. That’s what you say to a princess.”
“Okay.”
“’Then how come you didn’t see the body on the ground below?’ Maria said. Bård thought for a moment, and went to the window to check the ground below. He saw a man’s dead body with a dagger in it, then he went back to where he was a few seconds later, even more confused than before.
“‘See, I killed him. With a dagger,’ She pointed at the window, ‘and a stove.’ She pointed at the kitchen.”
“A kitchen? “ Bård asks,” What kind of high towers have kitchens?”
“The ones with really great equipment. Now shut it, the story is almost done.”
“Rude,” Bård says. But he shuts up anyway.
“Bård the Knight asked, ‘So… If I may, your grace, you are not in danger?’
“The princess said, laughing again, ‘No! Do I look like I’m in danger to you?’
“Bård looked down on the floor, feeling a little bit embarrassed—”
“What does ‘embarrassed’ mean?”
“It means a person feels uncomfortable.”
“Oooooh, alright.”
“Bård felt a little embarrassed and whispered, ‘No…’
“’Now!’ The princess clapped her hands together, ‘Do you want a cookie?’
"‘Uh… I guess? But, princess? Why don’t you go back to the castle?’
"'Life in the castle is soooo boring!’ She sighed, ‘I couldn’t do anything at all! But in here, I’m free, I’m alive, I’m baking cookies! Do you want some cookies? Do you want to stay for dinner?’
"'…No…I mean, thank you, your grace. But I have to report this to the king and your family.’
Princess Maria’s face dropped and she frowned, ‘Oh…Okay then. Tell my family I’m alright and they don’t need to worry about me! And tell them I said hi!’
"‘Ok. Goodbye then, Princess Maria.’
"‘Goodbye, Bård.’”
There is a pause.
“Well, that was a horrible story,” Bård says with a yawn.
“No, it wasn’t. Now go to sleep, Bård. You’ve gotten what you want.” Vegard stands up and stretches his body.
“How is the knight going to go all the way back again anyway?”
“That’s a story for another day.”
“A truly horrible story.”
“No, it wasn’t. I’m going to leave now, and you’re going to sleep.” Vegard walks towards the door, turning off the light on his way.
“Fine. Goodnight, Vegard. You’re a horrible story-teller.”
“Goodnight, Bård. You’re a horrible story-listener. Guess we’re even now.”
“No, we’re not.”
“Go to sleep, Bård.” With that, Vegard closes the door behind him and goes back to his room.