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Directly proportional to Yoongi's cool emotionless exterior and hallmark perfectionism was his parents.
They had his best interests at heart, no doubt, but if Yoongi was once a bright burning flame they had smothered him down long ago.
Highly regimented days followed Yoongi during high school, ones with excessive hours of study, ones with cram schools. Ones that made no time for music or basketball or relationships.
This accumulating to make Yoongi the person he thought he was at the core; deprecating, cynical, unflinching to the advances of the world, little self-esteem and that cool exterior, leaving his insides hot and chaotic and bursting with feeling.
When Yoongi moved to Seoul it felt as though he was ignited once again, even if the flame was small. Producing music, playing basketball again, being a trainee, it all gave him independence his parents couldn't provide.
But unable to escape his childhood years he was still sort of a control freak; perfecting a tract until early morning hours, spending literal days in his studio only moving for the bathroom, stressing over a performance if it wasn't perfect.
So given all of this, all of his history and his personality and his baggage he finds himself in an interesting situation; himself planted on Hoseok's lap, midst a heated kiss, filled with tongue and teeth and heavy sighs, and Hoseok pulling his hair. hard.
Admittedly, they had a few too many. Yoongi did not intend to get this drunk when he asked Hoseok to grab a beer with him during one of their very sparse breaks in their trainee lives.
It was not interesting because they were pretty intoxicated, considering their careers, considering who they were or rather who they were supposed to be, or the fact that the usually submissive Hoseok was pulling Yoongi's hair as they kissed.
no, the most interesting part was that Yoongi was actually enjoying it. being manhandled and groped and his hair pulled back hard by Hoseok's slender, pretty fingers.
he liked it, not fighting for dominance in their kiss but letting Hoseok take over, his firm lips and tongue all over Yoongi's mouth; occasionally he would suck on Yoongi's tongue or pull his bottom lip with his teeth a little forcefully, and it would make Yoongi squirm. make the blood rush down south and would elicit a soft moan from his throat.
...and Yoongi wants more. more more more. Yoongi wraps his arms around Hoseok's neck, pulling them closer. he wants more. he wants to drown in the feeling of Hoseok. He brings one hand down, ghosting Hoseok's neck, over his clavicle, down his toned chest and towards his abdomen. i want you.
It sends Hoseok over the edge. He breaks the kiss and storms Yoongi's snowy neck- letting the alcohol take over his inhibitions entirely, sucking hard and peppering his neck noisily, moving down slowly, agonisingly to the sensitive space in between either of Yoongi's clavicles. Yoongi breathes out through his mouth when Hoseok reaches the space, nails putting pressure on Hoseok's shoulders.
Eventually the pleasure, the rush, the want for more overtakes Yoongi and he grinds down lightly to test the waters. Hoseok responds greatly, like something inside of him ignited. Hoseok grinds up once, twice, then builds the pace until Yoongi's swearing, calling Hoseok's name, eyes scrunched in pleasure and nail tips practically embedded into Hoseok's shoulders as Hoseok takes handful after handful of yoongis short hair and twists and pulls it as he grinds up heavy.
Yoongi's lips part and Hoseok swears as they finish.
Eventually they pull away and Hoseok presses their foreheads together in probably a strange rush of post-cumming emotion and affection. Yoongi lets him. Lets him pull them close.
They don't talk about it. Not when Yoongi has to apply concealer to his neck, not when the other members ask them where they went together and why they didn't return home on time, not when they're left alone together in the practice room.
and Yoongi certainly doesn't acknowledge the very obvious are we okay? looks Hoseok is darting at him during practice, but he can't ignore them. Its not in his heart.
eventually hoseok, not one for confrontation is forced to corner him in his own studio.
"hyung, are you..upset with me?" he asks. honest, too trusting, guilty. the two finally able to speak- secure in their soundproof room.
Yoongi swallows, not able to force himself to turn around in his chair, glares at the computer screen in front of him.
"I...No...its not you Hoseok..." At least he's able to answer with the honestly Hoseok deserves.
"I just think ...we should end this" Hoseok says firmly, but almost as equally unsure
Yoongi squirms and finally turns around. He doesn't like this. he needs to be in control of his feelings and Hoseoks feelings for him. Hurt, guilty, still feeling Hoseok's fingertips at the base of his neck he replies a simple "its for the best", catching a crestfallen Hoseok in the reflection of one of the computer screens as he does so.
he ends it.
so now,
hes in control. Its safe.
They debut. they debut and everything's fine and great except its not.
its not. The pressures of being newly debuted idols; being paraded like dolls on stage, selling their bodies for attention, not even daring to make mistakes and learning new dances and writing new music as they promoted their debut stuff was once again just too smothering.
"i miss you" Hoseok says honestly when they're alone again, in the room adjoining the practice room, taking a break- Yoongi still struggling to get the last half of 'N.O' down well enough.
Yoongi splutters, embarrassed, practically shoving his face into his hands. It takes him a long time to respond.
"I...same..." is all Yoongi can say before he turns around, unable to even face Hoseok.
"sorry... i shouldnt have said anything.." Hoseok says suddenly burdened, and quietens down.
Yoongi checks if they're alone; his eyes dart to the door at least five times before he finally gathers his courage to speak, swallowing before the leap.
"I liked it"
Hoseok lifts his head, a quizzical expression on his face as he looks over at Yoongi.
"when you..." he almost chokes out, the words mechanical and forced, but no less genuine. Yoongi's touching the back of his hair with his hand, and gives Hoseok the same look as so many months prior.
Hoseok gets up immediately but approaches Yoongi slowly until he can feel Yoongi's hot breath tickle his cheek.
and again, its a relief, they kiss and kiss and kiss until its not enough.
N.O promotions pass quickly and Yoongi's in the studio, finalising the last of 'Skool Luv Afair' EP almost compulsively, desperately. He jumps when he feels someones hands on his shoulders, squeezing and relieving pressure - a mock massage.
"did you even eat today?" It's Hoseok. He follows his question with a quick peck on the cheek. One laced, riddled with intimacy far more than any of their other kisses shared. It leaves a lingering feeling in Yoongi; cheek tingling and heart fluttering just a little.
"no" he sighs out, eyes still glued to the screen- still fiddling with the track list order.
"then, come eat stupid" Hoseok says it like its simple. to just ...stop doing something that needs to be done and do something else. But Hoseok pulls Yoongi around in the chair, cupping his jaw before briefly kissing him and breaking away quickly, back now turned to Yoongi, busying himself with opening the takeout food he brought.
Hoseok takes care of Yoongi. It means that Yoongi's not always in control.
and Yoongi decides, that thats okay too.