Chapter Text
Part One: DotL starts with an image of a cool dragon that won’t even be introduced for another six chapters just to draw readers in. Also, while Thistle hides her face, she’s definitely got one, which makes the title misleading. So, two sins right off the bat. DING!
Total: 2
Chapter One: DotL makes me look at a cave elf’s hideous dental work, rather than just getting on with the story. DING!
Total: 3
Page 2: Brent is looking forward so intently, that he failed to see or smell the half-devoured, rotting body on the floor until he literally trips over it. DING!
Total: 4
Page 4: Disembodied voices needlessly fill in background information that everyone should have logically already known. DING!
Also, while the idea of magical walkie talkies is nifty, they’re violating the number one rule of D&D: Never split the g-d d-mned party! DING!
Total: 6
Page 5: Thistle is suspiciously well informed about Cave Elf society, especially since everyone else considers them to be monsters only worth killing. I’m sure this won’t be the least bit significant later. DING!
Total: 7
Page 6: Brent wastes time being a misogynistic -sshole, while being stalked by a cannibalistic elf. DING!
Total: 8
Total: 9
Page 8: Brent getting ambushed by the second cave elf could have been avoided if the hadn’t split the party. Seriously, they’re in a mineshaft, operating in the dark, and know their enemy can see better than they can. If they did have to split up they could have been working in two teams of two each, and they’d have been able to cover each other’s backs. Whoever is in charge here sucks at small unit tactics. DING!
Total: 10
Page 9: Deus ex Thistle. DING!
Total: 11
Page 10: Cool pose , but later events will show Thistle just doesn’t have the self-confidence to pull it off. DING!
Also, Brent and the cave elf were at least at least twenty feet away from Thistle’s position. How did the elf have time to process his surprise and grief, then turn and leap so quickly as to be on top of Thistle before she could aim her second shot? DING!
Total: 13
Page 11: Lyra is perfectly right, but she’s still being a dick to someone who just got a chunk of his arm bitten off. DING! Also, her background bio says her speciality is hand-to-hand combat, not archery. Couldn’t she have just moved up and started punching? DING!
Total: 15
Page 13: Lyra shows relief that Thistle is safe , while sitting on top of the guy with a boulder crushing his spine and rib cage, not to mention is still bleeding to death from a serious injury. DING!
Total: 16
Page 14: Lyra and Orrig show deep concern for Thistle ’s wardrobe malfunction, while still ignoring Brent’s far more serious injuries. No wonder he’s got self-confidence issues. DING!
Total: 17
Ongoing Total: 17