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When he agreed to help his sister out in the pub he didn’t imagine it was going to include helping his ex-husband cook a romantic meal for his boyfriend.
His sister was evil, or so he told himself when he was mad at her, but in her defense it was just supposed to be her making the meal for them. Somehow it ended with Aaron helping her. And then Vic got a phone call from Ross saying he needed her and she had to leave, so here Robert was, finding himself in quiet the predicament. Just him and Aaron, making a romantic meal for Alex and Aaron. And Robert couldn’t understand how he could be in heaven and hell at the same time... but here he was.
It shouldn’t matter. Him and Aaron were mates. Supposed to be best-mates.
Aaron clears his throat, looking away from Robert to the kitchen stove where all the ingredients are stung out all over in an overwhelming matter. “You don’t have to help, Robert.” Aaron says, unconvincingly, “I can manage.” Robert doesn’t miss the wince.
Robert laughs. He knows Aaron’s idea of cooking is ordering food at the pub or sticking beans on toast. He knows if he doesn’t help him finish his Shepard’s Pie and chocolate mouse it will never get done, much less be edible. He knows the few times Aaron’s cooked for him it was good, knows Aaron got help from Vic, and suspects from Liv and a time or two.
“I’m already here.” Robert turns down the heat on the potatoes because they’re starting to boil. “And I’d hate for Alex’s Valentine’s Day to be ruined by you poisoning him,” he jokes.
Aaron laughs. “Yeah, Yeah... I know my cooking is shit.”
“Hey don’t sell yourself short. You order a great pizza.” Robert opens up the vegetables, turning around when he feels a tap on his shoulder. Aaron hands him a pint.
“Thanks.”
Aaron hums. “How are things? How’s Seb?” He asks as Robert hands him a pan to start scooping the hamburger into.
Robert’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise; he tries to hide it, most likely failing miserably. He knows this is still a sore spot for them, and it feels raw somehow. “He’s good... keeping me on my toes.” He laughs. Robert’s draining the potatoes as he speaks. “Just trying to get used to this whole co-parenting thing, “ he says over his shoulder.
“Shit!”
Robert whips his head around dropping the potatoes in the sink.
“What’s wrong?” Robert asks, making his way over to Aaron who’s holding his finger up.
Aaron shrugs, examining his pointer finger. “I just burnt my finger on the pan... it’s nothing.” Aaron shakes his hand like it’s going to take the sting away with each flick of his wrist.
Robert shakes his head. “Stop that!” He scolds. “Let me see.”
“Rob, it’s fine.” Aaron protests. “It’s just a little burn. I’ve.. “ Aaron stops himself, I’ve had much worse left unsaid.
Robert ignores him, taking Aaron to the sink, where he runs his red and raw finger under some cold water.
Aaron sighs, exasperated but not protesting, letting Robert do what he needs to.
Robert shuts off the water, bringing Aaron’s finger up to his lips to blow on it, not even thinking about it. The intimacy of it. He continues to blow on it, letting his cool breath dry the water and cool the burn.
“Better?” He asks looking up at Aaron, still holding onto his finger, still near his lips.
Aaron’s breathing has become more rapid, coming out in sharp, shallow pants. He’s flushed, cheeks red, and Robert’s heart begins to race.
What the hell is he doing? They’re mates. And Aaron’s with Alex.
Robert needs to be strong, he can feel Aaron inching closer. All he needs to do is meet him just a little of the way and they’d be kissing. But Robert has changed and he knows Aaron deserves better.
Robert’s struggling because he loves Aaron so much, the pull of him is so imbedding in Robert’s DNA it feels wrong to deny himself what feels so natural, but he knows Aaron will regret this and he knows he deserves so much more. Robert knows he will just end up hurting him in the end. Again... hurting him again.
“Aaron... “ Robert breathes. “We... we can’t.”
Aaron abruptly stops, like he’s been smacked, realization hitting him full force.
“Right.”
Robert shakes his head sadly. “I’m sorry.”
Aaron turns away, not able to face Robert and his rejection any longer. “No. You’ve got nothing to be sorry for. Listen... I think you better go Robert. I can finish this.”
“Aaron.”
“Robert...please.” Aaron begs.
Robert nods, not wanting to hurt Aaron anymore.
Before Robert can even make it through the kitchen doors he hears Aaron ask him, “Can I ask why? I mean I know you’re not wearing your ring anymore.” Aaron’s eyes travel to Robert’s empty hand where his wedding ring used to be. “But what finally made you decide no more Aaron?”
And Robert isn’t sure his heart could shatter anymore. “It’s not about not wanting you Aaron. I will always want you. Always. It’s about not being good for you. Good for each other.” Robert wants to make sure Aaron gets it, knows it’s not him. “You’ve got a good thing with Alex. I don’t want to mess that up. I want you to be happy. I only ever want you to be happy. “
Aaron’s eyes begin to fill with tears, he wipes at them angrily. “And what if you’re the only one who can truly make me happy?” He says. Like it’s frustrating him that it’s true. And he can’t understand why.
Robert feels like the wind is being knocked out of him. He can’t. He can’t go back to hoping. He almost died the last time he hoped and realized he couldn’t have Aaron Dingle.
“Aaron... what are you saying?”
Aaron’s just about to reply when his phone rings. Robert can see the conflict in his eyes, like he doesn’t want to answer. He looks up at Robert. “Hi, Alex,” he says, answering his phone.
Robert feels like Aaron made another choice just then. And Robert knew better. He knew better than to get his hopes up, even if it was just for a few moments, it still hurt like hell.
And Robert walks out...hearing Aaron tell Alex how they needed to go out to dinner because plans changed.
<<<>>>
Robert knocked twice. Praying to the universe and all that was holy that Alex did not answer the door, and if there was any mercy for his soul, if he did, he was wearing clothes.
Robert couldn’t help the sigh of relief when Aaron answers the door, thankful that he waited till mid morning, must of given Alex enough time to go back to work and both of them dressed for the day.
Aaron looks confused, surprised to see Robert at his door.
“I don’t mean to disturb you.”
Aaron opens the door wider. “Do you want to come in?” He asks.
“No!” Robert shouts a little too loud. He’s being a idiot. He most definitely doesn’t want to come in, afraid Alex might be in there. He knows him and Aaron agreed to be friends but after last night he’s not sure that’s going to be possible for awhile. And if he’s honest with himself, there’s a limit to what Robert can handle. Seeing Alex in the house he built for him and Aaron, he can’t stomach it. He’s not that strong.
“I mean no,” Robert tries again when he sees the hurt on Aaron’s face, “I don’t want to keep you. I just wanted to apologies for last night and say, I hope we’re good, Aaron. I don’t want this to change things between us.” Robert smiles. “Still mates?” He knows he’s contridicting himself. He can’t seem to help it when he comes to Aaron.
Aaron nods, “Yeah... yeah, of course. Still mates.” He says. And Robert can see he wants to say more, but he doesn’t give him a chance.
“Right, well I’ve got to go pick up Seb. I’ll see you around, Aaron.” And Robert turns to leave.
“Robert, wait!” Aaron says from the doorway.
Robert has his car door open, eyes shut, back to Aaron. Not sure what he’s hoping from him. “Yeah?” he asks, back still turned.
“I hope you have a good day with Seb.”
Robert shoulders slump, not sure if it’s disappointment or relief he feels.
“Thank you.”
<<<>>>
Two weeks of tiptoeing around each other. They were supposed to be best mates. They felt like strangers. And Robert needed a mate. Rebecca was talking more and more with her family in Australia, even took Seb on a trip there earlier this week. He could feel him slipping away, little by little. She didn’t think he would notice but he did. The comments about how nice of a place Australia is, the amazing weather, the schools, the people, how great it is for children to grow up. How her aunt and uncle love to spend time with him and having them over. He knows that she has family there, so it must be nice for her, but what about him? Seb was his son!
Robert was confused. He knew Seb needed his mother, and he knew his mother needed to be happy with her family, but only seeing him every few months, holidays, and over FaceTime wasn’t going to be enough for him.
He could feel it. He was losing control. He already lost the love of his life, and now he was about to lose his son.
“Hey... you ok?”
Robert looked up from his drink, vision blurry from the number of whiskies he had.
Robert winces as he finishes off his drink, signaling for Charity to give him another. She eyes Robert skeptically, then her eyes move to Aaron. He doesn’t look up to see why, head too heavy.
“Yep,” he slurs.
Aaron chuckles softly. “You always were good at bullshitting when you were drunk.” Aaron sits down next to him, elbows on the table. Robert can feel his warmth. He shivers. “Wanna try that again.”
“Rebecca’s moving to Australia with Seb... got an aunt and uncle there.” Robert hiccups.
“Fuck,” Aaron utters under his breath.
“Fuck that aunt and uncle. That’s right! Would say fuck Rebecca too but least I can understand... who’d wanna stay in a village that’s brought nothing but pain and death. Emmerdeath!” Robert shouts. “No wait... Emmerpain... yep that’s better. Village only ever brought me pain. Look at all I’ve lost.” Robert motions to Aaron. Then bangs his hands on the table. “Where’s my drink?” He yells.
“Hey... why don’t we go back to the Mill. Liv’s gone to Gabby’s for the night.” Aaron suggests.
Robert huffs. “What no perfect doctor?” Yeah, Robert knew his filter wasn’t the best while drunk.
“Or you can stay here and wallow in self-pity.” Aaron gets up to leave.
Robert reaches out. “No, I’m sorry,” He slurs, almost toppeling out of his chair.
Aaron catches him. “You’re a mess.”
Robert hums in agreement.
When they get back to the Mill, Aaron deposits Robert on the sofa. “Right you stay. I’m gonna get you a water.” And off he goes.
Even in his inebriated state, the place hasn’t changed much. Robert gets up slowly, using the the sofa for support. He makes his way over to the mantle where his and Aaron’s wedding picture used to be. It’s no longer there, replaced with a picture of Aaron and Liv. He goes to pick it up, realizing there’s something behind it. Confused, Robert flips the picture around. Realization hitting him. It’s his and Aaron’s wedding picture.
Aaron clears his throat. “Found it, eh?”
Robert looks up startled, grabbing the mantle for support. “Sorry.”
Aaron shrugs. “Don’t be. You probably won’t remember this in the morning anyhow.” He laughs.
Robert wanted to ask, but maybe it was the alcohol making his thought process slower because the moment passed.
Aaron motions to the water. “Here.”
Robert nods. “Thanks,” he says. Making his way with difficulty back to the sofa.
Robert takes a sip of water, trying to clear the fog in his head. “I thought of fighting it. Making her stay.” Robert clarifies. “The legal way.” He looks at Aaron, who’s just listening, waiting for him to continue. “I was so angry and panicked when she told me. Then when I thought about it... started to see things from her perspective. I get it... her whole family is dead and her nephew killed them. Then there’s all the stuff we did to each other... her and I.” Robert noticed how Aaron looks down at that, like that memory will always hurt like salt in an open wound. “And... and I get why she’d want a fresh start. And she’s Seb’s Mom. I’d still get to see him every few months, on holidays and FaceTime. It’s not so bad.” Robert’s eyes fill with tears, “but it’s not the same Aaron. It’s not... it hurts so fucking much.”
Aaron grabs Robert’s hands. “I’m so sorry, Robert.” Robert can see he means it, can see the pain in his eyes because of Robert’s pain.
Then Robert breathes out like he’s bracing himself for what’s to come next. “Then I thought of going with.”
Aaron takes his hands away. Not sure what to do with his shock, air knocked out of him.
“I mean, there’s Vic and Diane, but this is my son. I could live in a town close. Find a job. Just be near him. I could start over too. He’s my son, Aaron.” It’s like Robert is still trying to convince himself...like there’s no other reason for him to stay.
Aaron takes a second to respond, like he’s gathering up strength to speak. “You should do what you feel is right Robert. You’re right, he is your son. I want you to be happy.” Robert can see the sadness in Aaron’s face, can hear the sadness in his voice, the brokenness, even through the fog of the alcohol. He wants to scream at Aaron to ask him to stay. He wants Aaron to give him a reason, but he knows it’s not fair. That this whole situation is wrong and unfair. He wants to curl up in a ball and cry.
“You should get some sleep.” Aaron’s says, breaking through Robert’s internal hell. Robert notices the blankets and pillow stacked on the side of the sofa. He wonders vaguely how Alex would feel about all this, but doesn’t care enough to ask.
He vaguely remembers Aaron tucking him in, telling him everything was going to be ok, the kiss on his forehead. He’s not sure how long Aaron stayed, but he knows he begged him not to leave, and he’s pretty sure he grabbed his hand, like a small child when they didn’t want their parents to leave them because they were scared of the dark.
He does vividly remember the next morning, the tablets and water on the table for him. He remembers sneaking out before Aaron woke.
<<<>>>
There’s a knocking on the door. It’s urgent and doesn’t stop, even when Robert says he’s coming.
“Wha—“ Robert is pushed aside by Aaron as he barges through the door. He’s wet from the rain outside.
“Don’t go,” he says. He’s pacing in front of Robert. He looks up at him. “Don’t go, Robert.”
Robert isn’t sure what to make of any of this. “Aaron... what are you getting at?” Robert thinks he knows... but he needs Aaron to be clear.
“I know you said there was only Vic and Diane here for you... but that’s not true.”
“Aaron...” Robert tries to interrupt.
Aaron’s hand is on his heart. “Me... Robert. There’s me. There’s us.” Aaron is out of breath. It’s like the words he’s saying have been bottled up for so long, it’s coming out in a rush, making him lose his breath.
Robert closes his eyes. Aaron’s words... what he’s been wanting to hear for so long. He knows rationally though that it can’t work. He’s with Alex...
Robert shakes his head in denial. “You’re with Alex!”
“No... I broke up with Alex two weeks ago Robert! The day after Valentine’s Day.”
Robert continues to shake his head. “But you were happy.” He tires to reason. Trying to understand what is happening.
Aaron moves closer to Robert. “No... I was getting by. Alex wasn’t right for me, Robert. He never was.”
Aaron moves his hand to Robert’s face stroking his cheek.
Robert sighs, getting lost in Aaron’s touch.
“No.” He backs away. “You deserve better.” And Robert leaves, slamming the door behind him.
<<<>>>
“Go after him!”
Aaron startles. Didn’t even realize Vic was home, he had been staring at the door Robert stormed out of.
He turns to see her, noticing her hands on her hip, like she’s wondering what he’s waiting for.
“I... “ Aaron begins.
“He’s scared, Aaron. Scared of hurting you again, of being hurt again.”
That’s all it takes for Aaron to start moving.
It’s raining harder now, almost dark. He’s searching, can see Robert’s car still in the drive. “Fuck sake, Robert.” Aaron growls. Where could he have gone?
Aaron makes his way around the house. The glow from the street lamp providing him some more light and he spots him leaning his back against the house, head tilting up, eyes closed, hair plastered to his head from the rain.
Aaron makes his way over, leaning back against the house next to Robert.
Robert looks over at him. “Why now?”
Aaron shrugs. “Because I realized I was trying to make everyone else happy... and it wasn’t working. I’m tired of trying to please everyone else. I just want to be happy. And you make me happy.”
Robert laughs maniacally. “You don’t get to do this to me, Aaron!” He pushes off the wall, walking away from Aaron.
“Robert!” Aaron yells, chasing after Robert.
“No! You were happy with Alex! I let you go! I accepted that!” Roberts shouting, emotions boiling over so much he can’t keep still. Aaron can tell he wants to move closer to him but he keeps backing away, jaw set. “Because I know you deserve better than me!”
Aaron shakes his head in frustration. “When are you going to get it into your thick head, you are enough, Robert! I do deserve you!”
“I’ll just keep hurting you!” He shouts.
Aaron bridges the gap between them. “You’ve changed. I’ve seen how much you’ve changed. What an amazing father you are.”
Robert backs away again. “Robert you’re enough. I love you. It’s always been you; it’s always going to be you.” Aaron’s not ashamed he’s begging. Robert has spent so much of his time chasing him, Aaron figures he’s due. And if the alternative is him moving to Australia, he’ll beg till there’s no breath left in his body.
“Fuck, Aaron but you—“ Aaron doesn’t give him a chance to finish that sentence. Doesn’t want him bringing himself down again. So he grabs his head and pushes him into the house kissing him, like his life depends on it.
Robert kisses him back with just as much passion. Their teeth clash together and Aaron’s pretty sure he’s going to have a bruise on his lip from the intensity of it, but it’s electrifying. It’s what he’s been missing for so long. He hears Robert moan over the rain, and he kisses him harder, running his hands through his hair. Robert pulls Aaron into him by his hips, causing their stomachs and groins to align. Aaron groans loudly.
When Robert pulls away for breath, they’re both panting into each other’s mouths, foreheads resting on each other’s.
“This Seb situation is not going away.” Robert says.
Aaron nods his head. “I know. We will deal with whatever we need to together.”
Robert closes his eyes. “Promise,” he asks. “ I can’t lose you again, Aaron.”
Aaron can see the fear in his eyes, remembers Vic’s words from before. “You won’t. It’s me and you. Forever.”
Robert kisses him this time, slower. The rain making their kiss messier and more slippery, but still familiar, like coming home.
“I love you too, by the way.”
“Let’s go home, Robert.”
xxS