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Mistake. Mistake. Mistake.
He knew this was a mistake, by the way his chest held a dull ache and the way his thoughts raced to find solutions that could possibly heal the inevitable pain that'd soon come.
He knew it was a mistake, because his feelings would never be completely returned and even then, the feelings that may have been reciprocated would rapidly wilt once Kuroo left. He didn’t want him to leave. Mostly, he didn’t want to see his back as he walked away.
Then, he'd most likely not see him again for god knows how long. When that time came - if that time even came- he'd look at him like he were a stranger and it'd hurt all over again. For himself, that is. That was the scariest part.
Always, always - he was the one who gave what he should not. He cared too much and always for the wrong people. Maybe he actually wanted someone to see him like he had seen so many people before, looked at them with an open mind and a naivety he was aware of, yet turned a blind eye to. Only this time, he didn’t actually believe Kuroo was among the ‘wrong people‘. Rather, it was the timing that was wrong. Maybe that’s why it hurt all the more - what could have been.
Thoughts of Kuroo rushed his mind and even though he thought he had managed to trick himself, to make himself believe he had it all under control, he didn't. He never did, and his best friend would no doubt rub it in his face. All the while neglecting to comfort him unless his entire presence screamed for some sort of relief. However, when did his stony expression and refusal to show any weakness ever falter? Almost never, and even then, the comfort wouldn't help much. It'd be appreciated, but once again, solitude is the only remedy. Filled with self hatred and swirling thoughts, until the numbness transcends and it becomes quiet once again.
He wonders if maybe he isn't good enough, knows it to be true . Not his appearance, not his mind and certainly not his soul. He can give so much, but never enough, or rather, the content is lacking to some extent that he will never fully comprehend. Like meticulously planning and packing luggage for a summer trip, only to be thrust into a snowy mountain with all the wrong content.
He can predict the hurt and the frustration before it even happens. Can feel it coming by the lack of words spoken between them, the way Kuroo is, the way he speaks. Nothing is confirmed, and that only feeds the insecure hole in his gut. Getting feelings for someone that wasn't always going to be around is probably the most irrational thing he had ever done. He knows Kuroo cares, he just doesn’t know how much, and that is terrifying. Especially when he is no longer with him, no longer blinded by by his fondness for the dark haired boy. That is, when the sound of his laugh and the gentle touch of his fingertips are no longer there, he can see this murky concept of an attachment lacking from him. Kuroo’s presence blinds him, and even so, he won't let go until he is forced to.
And this is what makes him weak. Such a joke, he knows. He can see it all, and yet he allows himself to fall deeper into this never ending cycle he has come to seek out.
All in order to be with him for that much longer.
All in order to enable his self destruction.
What a joke, and yet in the end, he doesn’t really believe it was ever a mistake.