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"Gerard, please calm down," Mikey's voice quietly pleads just as I burst into the bedroom, panting breathlessly due to sprinting down the hall to follow the familiar sounds of Gerard's blood-curdling screams.
Displayed before me is nothing short of a regular occurrence; Gerard curled into a helpless, vulnerable ball in his little brother's lap as the tremors completely take over his body. Another panic attack, I confirm as I bite back tears at the very sight of him. I see this nearly every night, and every single night it forms a knot in my stomach, seeing him like this.
The panic attacks vary in their intensity, but tonight, it's bad. He's trembling so violently that he can barely even clutch onto Mikey's scrawny hand. It's almost as if he's seizing, and just as scary, if it gets really bad. He's probably having muscle spasms again.
Mikey's eyes meet mine, suddenly, and through the horrid music that is Gerard's sobs, we share a look of sympathy for one another. My heart aches for the duo. Since we've started writing the new album, shit's just gone downhill. Seeing Gerard like this really brings Mikey down more than he should be exposed to right now. It's ripping both of them apart from the inside out like a virus; a cancer. And all I can do is stand off to the side and hold them close, begging for them to stay strong.
Through the sticky tears, Gerard somehow manages to catch sight of me out of the corner of his eye, and he seems to actually calm down for just a few seconds. Mikey helps him sit up as he weakly reaches out for me, already beginning to hyperventilate again as soon as my eyes meet his.
"Shh, it's alright," I coo as I collapse to my knees in front of him. He instantly falls into my arms and grips onto my shirt with white-knuckled fists, staining the front of my shirt with fresh tears. "It's okay, Gee. It was just a dream. I'm right here," I soothingly whisper into his ear, but it only does so much, as usual. He's never scared of waking up--he's usually scared of falling asleep, actually--but it's the memory of whatever happened in his dream that just tears him apart.
"Th-there w-was a kn-knife and s-so much b-b-blood, oh my god!" he shrieks before throwing his arms around me without warning, clinging onto me like I'm a family member he hasn't seen for years. I sit there in shock, taken aback for a moment as my eyes meet Mikey's in confusion. But he seems just as bewildered as me. "Your b-blood was e-ev-veryw-where... I c-can still f-f-feel it o-on m-my hands, fuck!"
"It's okay, Gee, I'm okay. It wasn't real, I promise. I'm right here, see? I'm right here, feel my heart," I whisper as I forcefully pry one of his hands from around me and place it on my chest, feeling him instantly relax at the feeling of my pulse hammering against his fingertips. "Put your ear right there. Listen to the beat, just breathe with me... Let our hearts sync up. I'm alive. I promise I'm not going anywhere."
He lets out a shaky breath before he obeys and presses his ear against the left side of my chest, right above my heart. The position leaves him practically nuzzling his nose in the crook of my neck, his broken breaths hitting my glistening skin and sending shivers down my spine. I let him snake his arms up and around my neck, giving him as much contact as he needs for him to know that I'm alive and right in his arms.
Slowly but surely, he begins to calm down to the sound of my breathing and my steadily beating heart. My fingers card through what's left of his precious hair, my other hand tracing random shapes on his back, which seems to soothe him enough to lead him to close his eyes and clutch me just a little tighter. At some point, I even begin rocking him back and forth. I'm sure it looks weird, but I don't really give a shit. Even if Mikey's sitting right there and it looks really fucking gay. This is Gerard we're talking about.
"Do you wanna talk about it?" I ask when he finally lets out a calm sigh, an indication that he's officially settled down. He shakes his head and doesn't move, but I know he will. He always does.
He lets out a sniffle before he begins. "I don't remember why, but we were walking down the sidewalk at night. You were laughing at some corny joke you made and I was just smiling along, staring at you... You turned to face me and stepped close and... Um..." he trails off and bites his lip a little, a blush rising into his pale cheeks and contrasting against his platinum hair. I raise my eyebrows and throw a concerned glance to Mikey, who looks something between utterly horrified and very intrigued by this new information. "Y-yeah, next thing I know some guy jumps out of nowhere and stabs you, just like that. He ran off and you fell, and oh my god, there was so much blood... He must've hit something vital because you were gone in minutes. I kept 911 on the phone and kept screaming at you to stay with me, but you just reached up and touched my face, and... Y-you fucking smiled and said thank you, and... Fuck, Frank, I saw the light leave your eyes. I-It was..."
"Hey, if it's too hard to think about, you don't have to," I reassure him and run my fingers through his hair one more time. He falls silent after that. I smile a little when he starts absentmindedly playing with the little bit of hair on the back of my neck.
"I'm gonna go get Gee a glass of water," Mikey announces before he jolts forward and scrambles to his feet. He scurries out of the room, leaving me and Gerard ogling after him in awe. Usually, he hates wandering around this place alone.
Shit, he must've gotten the wrong idea...
"I don't wanna lose you, Frankie..." Gerard sniffles softly as he moves his head and affectionately nuzzles his nose under my jawline. My breath hitches and my skin turns warm and rosy from the sudden foreign contact. "I didn't want to say it, with Mikey sitting there, but... You kissed me, in the dream. It felt so real. It wasn't like all the other stuff we've done on stage, 'cause that's just us screwing around for the fans... This was real, and I felt it, like there was something more to this dream than the others."
I fall silent. So... We kissed, and from what it sounds like, he enjoyed it? Somehow, that makes my heart flutter just a little faster. Yeah, we've done some reckless shit on stage, but it never really "meant" anything. So what if I've gotten a boner a few times? It's just the adrenaline.
Unfortunately for me, Gerard's still in the same position, so he hears my heartbeat increase. And he freezes before pulling away so he can see my face.
I take a moment to truly admire his features, as he's sitting right in front of me, staring right into my eyes, his expression mirroring mine. I always knew Gerard was an attractive guy--I mean, pretty much anyone can agree to that. But right now, in this moment, with the dim light of Gerard's LED light barely illuminating the room, Gerard is beautiful. His pupils are dilated, his eyes are rimmed with red from the tears, and he looks like he's just been through hell and back, but somehow, he's still beautiful. This is the first time this revelation really hits me like a brick wall to the face, and it's probably pretty obvious by the way I'm fucking gaping at him. But what can I say?
He takes my breath away.
Yeah, give yourself a pat on the back for that one, Frank. So original.
"That dream made me realize how much you mean to me," he mutters and reaches a hand up, though hesitates, letting it linger in the air for a moment or two. I can't help but smile at his words. I bite my lip in response, unable to restrain myself from eyeing his.
I lean into his touch, letting his hand gently come in contact with my cheek. His eyes widen, but he doesn't pull away, to my relief. Instead, he caresses my cheek, letting his thumb stroke my cheekbone as his eyes skim over my features.
"In the dream, when we kissed," I begin shakily, gulping to swallow my nerves, "d-did you like it?" The question hovers in the air like it's a dangerous secret waiting to be known. Gerard's honey-colored eyes widen at my words, his lips parting in shock as he, too, blushes. His hand freezes, but again, he doesn't pull away.
"I-I don't remember," he admits and hangs his head in shame, nibbling on his lip. "I just remember being shocked both in the dream and witnessing it. I didn't really get time to comprehend it, but I felt it touch me, like, spiritually speaking."
Fuck, what am I doing?
"Why don't we try it? Maybe it'll help you remember," I suggest, my voice lowering to a careful whisper when I lean my head forward just a centimeter. Something flashes in his eyes as he, too, leans forward, but he continues to close the space between us, meeting me halfway.
The kiss isn't anything like the other kisses I've had. Most other kisses are either heated and full of lust or empty and meaningless. But this one... There's something about this one. Gerard's right--I can feel it touch me and spark something within me that I haven't felt for a long time, if at all. The warmth of his chapped lips molding against mine seems to spread through my entire body, ridding me of any chills and enveloping me in a blanket of affection. I can't pinpoint the word to describe it, but it definitely feels right, like everything in the past has led up to this one moment. It feels like...
Home.
I smile against his lips as soon as the word comes to mind. Home, I repeat to myself as I deepen the kiss, desperately pulling him close. He does the same and reaches up to tangle his fingers in my hair, pulling me impossibly closer to him. Thoughts of Jersey and our life back in our home state flood my mind, and I find myself feeling closer to Gerard than I ever thought I would be. I suddenly feel strangely connected to him in an emotional way, and it's almost comforting.
My lips part briefly to gasp for air, but his lips stifle my moan as soon as he takes the chance and crashes our lips together, letting our teeth touch. Unable to contain myself any longer, I smirk against his lips and crawl on top of him, forcing him onto his back.
"Hey, Ray ran to the store and--oh shit!" Mikey exclaims from the doorway, and Gerard lets out a small gasp, his breath hitting my lips. But I don't move. I lift my eyes up to find Mikey, Ray and Bob all standing in the doorway, but Mikey's the only one who looks shocked. Ray and Bob are in the back, Bob looking grim as he hands a smiling Ray fifteen bucks.
"Mikeeeey, you didn't get me any water!" Gerard whines as he tilts his head back to see the guys upside down, making me giggle down at him. Not particularly caring that everyone is watching, I lean down and press a hard kiss onto his exposed neck, nipping at the skin and eliciting a startled gasp of a moan.
"Fuck, we didn't need to see that!" Mikey shrieks, and next thing I know, Ray is chasing him down the hall while Bob just snaps a picture of us on his phone, grinning like an idiot.
"Bob, if you leak that, I will personally murder you and you'll end up as a ghost in this hellhole," I threaten when he snaps the picture. Gerard smirks beneath me, though his smile fades when he realizes that I'm completely serious. The public doesn't need to know about this--not yet, anyways. Bob seems to understand though.
"Yeah, just don't wake me up with your gay shit anymore than these ghostey motherfuckers do," he snorts in amusement at his own awful joke before he salutes us and exits the room. I shake my head before turning my attention back to Gerard.
"Where were we?"