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There were some things about Doctor 'Algernop' Krieger that scared Ray. He thought it was all justifiable. There was the legitimate fear of what Krieger was capable of. The scientist had shown on several occasions that he was unfettered by ethics. His rampant experiments with bionics and genetics were a good example. Malory had simply stopped hiring interns for the lab because of too many "mishaps". Ray had been drugged unknowingly by him before. Although there had been no (as of yet) unwanted side effects of the drug trip, it still wasn't a good base to build a healthy relationship on. Krieger had the capacity to kill, though Ray wasn't shaken by that. He had the same capacity. It was the difference in technique that made Krieger frightening. Ray killed in the line of duty because it was almost always necessary; Krieger willingly put himself in situations where he would have to kill, not to mention dispose of evidence. And that was usually during his down time, not related to work with ISIS at all. That didn't even begin to cover the things that Ray only knew a few facts about. Krieger had more than one or two illegal pastimes that usually made people shudder or gasp.
There were things about Krieger that Ray liked, too. He liked his cheery demeanour, how quick he was to smile, how intensely he could become enthralled with things. Ray liked how his eyes gleamed when his interest was piqued by something, and how his hair looked when it was lit up in early morning sun. He liked Krieger's voice, the quality it took when they were having sex, the woodgrain rough tone that poured from his throat when Ray was doing something he enjoyed. He liked how he could be around him without worrying about what the German thought. That was freeing.
In fact, Krieger's pros outweighed the cons, and Ray knew that he stayed for more reasons than he wanted to admit. He just chose to ignore those reasons. He buried them deep to be addressed another day. Ray would dig the feelings up eventually for examination but he hadn't quite mustered the courage. Krieger could sometimes scare him, but Ray was more afraid of the emotions he actively avoided.
Ray Gillette frightened Krieger. Specifically, how Ray made him feel frightened Krieger. He wasn't a psychopath incapable of having emotions (although if he was a psychopath was still up for debate), Krieger had as complex emotional responses to things as anyone he knew of. Ray scared him because Ray was different. Anyone with a brain could see that they were a ridiculously unsuited couple. Krieger still wondered why Ray bothered sticking around, besides perhaps that Krieger could fix his bionic legs if anything went wrong. If that was the case, Krieger wouldn't be upset. He liked helping people.
Krieger liked how Ray made him feel. When they were together, Krieger almost felt normal. Ray knew him so there was no pressure to hide what he was like. It was interesting to him that Ray could bring out a mundane side in him. They watched movies together, went for coffee, and just had talks. The sex was great. Krieger was mildly surprised at how content he was with the “regular” sex they had been having as of late. He had dabbled in many types of sex before; all types of bondage, watched some pretty weird porn, and not to mention his virtual girlfriend... but Ray made those things seem less important or less desirable even. Ray was a willing, enthusiastic sexual partner. Krieger could get an erection simply from thinking about Ray's mouth. He adored Ray.
That was it. That's what scared Krieger the most about Ray Gillette. He adored the man. Ray prompted emotions in him that he was unused to dealing with. He was also afraid of somehow losing him. Krieger had a lot of loss in his life, some monumentally devastating and others not so much, but it was enough that if he lost Ray to something— to death or another man, for example, Krieger wasn't sure of how he would cope with the situation.
Hot burning hot Ray's mouth was burning him he was sure there would be red brands left on his skin Ray was bursting with energy his hands were demanding his kisses were greedy his words dripped
"C'mon," his accent always sounded thicker when he was aroused, "hurry, I can't handle this."
Pushed against him hand against the van's closed back door for support other hand wrapped up in blond hair heat below him Ray was fire Ray was beautiful Ray wanted him he wanted Ray oh god how he wanted him
"Good boy," his voice was growling and raspy Ray whimpered beneath him his cock was hard and it almost hurt Ray whimpered again and he lost control his teeth drew blood no not quite Ray's scream made him pause
"Keep going, you idiot!"
He lunged forward and pressed inwards and the blond man screamed again this time screaming his name his breath was coming out in ragged jets his chest hurt with the effort he bucked his hips Ray's hand was entwined in one of his and his head was light Ray was light Ray is shaking they come at almost the same time close enough for them to pass out for about twenty minutes before rousing themselves to clean up and dress and drive
Krieger drops Ray off at home. He swears that his heart stops beating when Ray reaches up to smooth his hair back and gives him a goodbye kiss.
When Krieger puts on one of Ray’s shirts— they had spilled wine on his the night before— Ray is delighted at how good he looks in a colour that isn’t yellow. He points it out and Krieger flushes at the compliment. He brushes it away by explaining how he doesn’t pay much attention to his clothing. He wears what’s appropriate for work and that’s about it. The lab coat is useful. Ray laughs at his embarrassment and asks what’s for breakfast.
Krieger cooks beautifully, which is another nice surprise. He makes amazing Portuguese dishes. Ray loves each one. Krieger also knows some German dishes, though he prefers the Portuguese recipes. Ray jokes that Hitler should have gone to culinary school instead of trying to be a painter and Krieger shakes his head, but he’s smiling.
Lana asks Ray who he’s been sleeping with. Ray pretends he doesn’t know what she means, but she presses him for information. She lists all the evidence she has that indicates he’s seeing someone, and Ray tells her off for being nosy. It is none of her business. She pouts and begs, and Ray wants to confide in someone but he doesn’t want to admit to sleeping with Krieger. He doesn’t want her to pick up on the emotions he is still ignoring. But Lana is nothing if not persistent and he cracks. He makes her swear not to tell anyone and they go out for lunch to talk about it.
“Krieger,” Lana says with a ripple of laughter in her voice but she thankfully keeps it in check. “Are you serious?”
“Very,” Ray says uncomfortably. He regrets agreeing to tell her but knows that she won’t break her promise. He pushes food around on the plate in front of him with a fork. He doesn’t feel like eating. His stomach is flip-flopping. He keeps his eyes down so he doesn’t have to see the expression on Lana’s face.
She notices his discomfort. “Hey,” she makes her tone gentle, “are you happy? Is he safe?”
Ray glances up. Lana is watching his movements carefully. She smiles a little. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I think that it’s a tremendously bad idea to go out with him, look at how he was like with Cheryl. And isn’t he still engaged to his weird virtual girlfriend? C’mon honey, you can do better.”
As soon as ‘you can do better’ leaves her mouth, Ray’s chest constricts with anger. She knows nothing about the relationship. She doesn’t know what it’s like to sit and listen to Krieger discuss the themes of Rush songs, or try to explain scientific theories, or watch him practice drumming. Lana had written Krieger off, which was to be expected, but didn’t stop to consider how Ray felt about it. She hadn’t been held by him at night, or kissed him in the morning.
“He’s actually great,” Ray says with no limit on the disdain in his voice. “He is weird, but he’s sweet, too.”
Lana shrugs. “I just want you to be happy. You never know with him.”
Ray eats his first mouthful of food to avoid replying. He did know. It was what he knew about Krieger from years of working with him that allowed him to be non-judgmental. He already knows all of the worst things one could possibly know about Krieger and none of it is enough to scare him away completely. Ray is sure his new-found courage was born mostly to spite Lana, but he figures it’s better to have some courage rather than none at all.
Ray terrifies Krieger when he thinks that he’s done something wrong. It would be more accurate to say that Ray’s predicted reaction is what scares Krieger, but he doesn’t nitpick. He is terrified of what Ray will say if he catches him doing something less than savoury. Krieger dropped some of his hobbies to placate Ray; making human/animal hybrids was one, but he had an unfailing affection for bum fights and didn’t want to stop. He hides that activity from Ray. He is afraid of Ray’s reactions when he misreads figurative language. He is fluent in English but he still struggles with interpretation. No one knows how grateful he is when his co-workers begin to make the difference between ‘figuratively’ and ‘literally’ in conversation.
Krieger is having a panic attack one evening. He is usually well-adjusted but something today is just wrong. He can’t stop thinking about his father being torn apart by his dogs. He had watched in absolute horror as the dogs he had lovingly raised turned vicious and attacked the man he called father. He sobbed uncontrollably as he tried to pull the dogs off, tried to call them back, but nothing could stop them. He received a bad bite from one of the dogs when he hit it in the side with all the might a fifteen year old boy could muster. Blood poured down his arm as his father screamed in pain and terror and Krieger was blinded by tears. The panic rising in adult Krieger is only augmented by his fear of what Ray will think of him when he realizes that he’s breaking down.
Mentally defective. The words bounce around in Krieger’s skull as he trembles. Ray is in the other room looking for his cell phone which he had left and forgotten about earlier. Tears glisten in Krieger’s eyes but he will not cry. He’s afraid that Ray will think less of him if he sees the panic attack. It’s a stupid notion, but he finds himself unable to get rid of it and panics more.
Ray returns but doesn’t notice something is wrong until he stops looking at the missed messages on his phone. Krieger is visibly shaking and his face is white. “What’s wrong?” Ray asks urgently. He kneels in front of the other man and looks into his eyes. At first he thinks Krieger might be having a seizure but soon realizes that is not the case. Tiny whimpering prompts Ray to grab both of Krieger’s hands and squeeze them.
“Panic attack,” Krieger mutters. He can’t bring himself to explain further. He focuses on Ray’s touch and tries to calm his breathing.
“What should I do?” Ray asks but Krieger can’t reply. He’s hyperventilating. Ray takes his hands out of Krieger’s grip and wraps his arms around him in a hug instead. Krieger clings to him and buries his face in Ray’s shoulder. He makes more whimpering sounds but is muffled by Ray’s shirt. The blond knits his brow and holds the scientist closer. He is concerned about the panic attack; he doesn’t know what brought it on.
Calm finally settles in and Krieger tells Ray what happened. He hesitantly explains his fears about Ray rejecting him and Ray kisses him deeply. He doesn’t bring up his own fears but instead asks Krieger what he feels about their relationship.
“We’re boyfriends, right?” Krieger says timidly.
“Yeah,” Ray answers.
“I like that,” Krieger brushes his fingers through Ray’s blond hair. “I want to keep it that way.”
Ray nuzzles Krieger’s palm. His hands are always warm. “Me too.”
Love is not the emotion Ray feels for Krieger. He supposes that one day it could be, and that scares him, but he forces himself to examine his pent up emotions instead of pushing them away. He is very preoccupied with what dating Krieger looks like to others. He is a little ashamed of Krieger, but he knows he shouldn’t be. Like anyone from ISIS could judge them. It’s something that Ray is going to work on. It isn’t fair to Krieger if he feels that way, he deserves better. Letting go is gradual, it happens bit by bit. It comes as a relief.
Krieger is head over heels for Ray. He knows that Ray doesn’t feel the same yet but he hopes that he will. He knows that he’s going to have to leave some things behind if he wants to make it work with Ray in the long run; one of those things being his virtual fiancée. Ray hasn’t mentioned it yet but Krieger knows that she irks him. Krieger has taken to turning off the computer that her program runs on. When he does activate it out of guilt, she berates him for it, but Krieger doesn’t know what to do. Technically she is only a computer program but she is also her own person. He could turn off the computer forever but that feels wrong somehow. It is a weird, complex problem but Krieger is confident that he will find a satisfactory solution.
No matter what, his solution will involve keeping Ray.