Chapter Text
You burst through the door of the precinct, a myriad emotions coursing through your body. Where was he? You had only heard some of the details from Sonny, but it had been enough to have you turn around from your weekend trip to come back to New York. You needed to see him, to see for yourself that he was fine. Finally the door across the room opened and he emerged, Carisi and Liv trailing him. He was looking down, tiredly, his shoulders slumped. You wanted to hold him until he fell asleep, until those stress lines faded from his face. “Rafi,” you said softly. He looked up, his mouth falling open slightly, momentarily stunned to see you. You glanced at Liv and Sonny who also appeared to be caught off guard by your presence, they were looking, but you didn’t care-you ran to him anyway,
“Y/N, what-”
“You stupid, stupid, stubborn man,” you interrupted, thankful that his arms instinctively wrapped around you. Your vision was blurred by tears,
“I’m alright,” he assured you, his hands going to your shoulders. You didn’t let him push you back though,
“What were you thinking? Why didn’t you tell me about the threats,” you hissed, but Rafael didn’t answer. He instead leaned his cheek against yours, his hands clutching at your jacket, his soft breath tickling your ear. You could feel the tension in his frame, the rapid thump of his heart beating in his chest, revealing to you how shaken up he actually was. Reaching up and running your hand through the hair at the nape of his neck, you tried to get a hold of yourself. You stood there for what felt like forever.
“Is there something the two of you want to tell us?” Liv’s voice startled you, causing you to jump back slightly, but you wouldn’t fully release your grip on Rafael, still holding tightly to his hand. Face reddening, you softly cursed at yourself for not having more self control. This was going to be a mess now, questions about conflicts of interest, investigations prying into your personal and professional life. This exactly was why you and Rafael hadn’t told anyone.
“Well I hardly think I can say anything at this point that you haven’t already guessed,” you said softly.
…..
“How long have you two been together?”
You sighed, standing up from your seat in Liv’s office. She had promptly dragged the both of you in there for a more private discussion.
“6 months,” Rafael admitted from where he was still seated,
“What does it matter,” you exclaimed, “It changes nothing about work, you know that Liv,”
“I’m afraid 1PP won’t see it like that Y/N, I wish the two of you had been more upfront about this. We could have dealt with it then, now, we might lose one of you, or both of you,” your boss said, shaking her head. Rafael stiffened slightly,
“Liv, please, you can’t go to 1PP,” you begged, feeling frantic. This job was your life, you loved it...but you also loved Rafael.
“I’m giving you until next week, if you decide to break up, we can let it be quiet, if not, I’m afraid I’m going to have to report this. Now get out of here, and Barba, I don’t want to hear one word of you giving your security detail a hard time,” she looked pointedly at Rafael who was quietly staring at his feet. You squeezed his shoulder,
“Let’s go,” you whispered, wrapping an arm around him when he stood up. You rubbed his back softly before pulling away so you could leave the building. The officers drove both of you back to Rafael’s apartment in a police cruiser, and he was silent the whole way home. You didn’t care though, you weren’t in the mood to talk either, a twisted up feeling of dread in the pit of your stomach. You weren’t sure if it was because of Rafael and his death threats or if it was due to Liv’s ultimatum, but either way you wanted to hold him close. You hated the way his hand shook as he tried to unlock the apartment door, the way he jumped when one of the officers accidentally knocked a book from the coffee table. You didn’t care that you weren’t alone, you just didn’t care, you needed to have him in your arms, to tell him it was okay. He was shaking, his facade of bravery crumbling more and more by the second, “Oh darling,” you whispered, “Rafi, it’s okay, you’re safe,”
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” he whispered, “I didn’t want this to be a big deal,” You reached up and stroked his cheek,
“I don’t care about that, not anymore,” he nodded, his hands gripping your sides almost too hard as he leaned his forehead down against yours, “Have you eaten dinner?” you whispered, and your suspicions were confirmed when he shook his head. “Okay, you go take a nice warm shower, I’m going to pick up something to eat,” you started to pull away, but he tightened his grip,
“Don’t go, not-not yet,” he whispered, so you stayed, standing there in his arms in the kitchen until he eventually pulled back, a strained look on his face,
“I won’t be long, I promise,” you pressed your lips against his, glad when he managed a smile for you,
“Don’t expect me to want to cuddle all the time now,” he said, obviously trying to make you laugh, to try and lighten the mood.
“Only after near death experiences? I think I can work with that,” you teased, squeezing his hand before pulling out your phone to call in the food as you slipped out the door. You were back within twenty minutes, two bags of food in hand. You pushed one of them towards the police officers who were currently on Rafael’s couch, “I hope you guys like Cuban food. The guest room is down the hall if one of you wants to get some sleep at any point,” They thanked you and smiled, but you were already heading back toward Rafael’s bedroom. The shower wasn’t on, so you figured he was probably laying down. Either that or he was in his office, trying to distract himself with work. As soon as you opened the bedroom door, the faint scent of scotch filled your nostrils. You could see the outline of his body in the dark room, he was curled up in bed, on his side and facing the wall. The flickering light of the muted tv filled the room, “Rafi?” you asked softly, “I’m back, are you awake?”
“Yeah,” his voice was barely a whisper, “I can’t sleep,” You slowly made your way over to the bed, sitting down beside him and reaching out to stroke his back,
“I brought dinner, Coppelia’s,” you said gently, trying to coax him into eating, but he didn’t even roll over. His chest started to heave,
“I’m sorry,” Rafael whispered, but you were already shifting around to hug him,
“Don’t apologize, I know, this is all a lot, you are stressed with everything from the D.A., Mike died, not to even mention your life was threatened, and then now Liv knows about us. I know all of this sucks, but it will all work out, I promise. I’ll stay right here,” you assured him, reaching around to rub your hand in circles on his chest. Rafael covered your hand with his and curling his fingers around so he was clutching it tightly, as he let all of the overwhelming emotions out. Finally he was gasping for breath, and sitting up, wiping his eyes,
“Thank you,” he murmured, leaning back against the headboard, “You shouldn’t have come home from your vacation, I know how much you were looking forward to seeing your mother,” Instead of allowing him to keep up his irritating apologizing, you wrapped an arm around his waist,
“No, Rafi, I wanted to come home, I needed to see that you were okay for myself. Now how about you eat this while it’s still warm,” you replied, handing him a take out container. His face brightened when he opened the styrofoam box and smelled the food. He took a bite of the lechón, before looking over at you,
“Maybe I should get myself threatened more often,” he joked softly, leaning against your side. You stroked the skin of his thigh, right below the boxers he was wearing as you leaned your head down on his shoulder and distractedly watched the tv. “What are we going to do?” he asked softly after a bit.
“About Liv?” you clarified, glad that he seemed to be feeling a little better,
“Yeah, I mean we both knew this couldn’t stay a secret forever. We should have figured this out sooner,” Rafael replied. You turned your head, pressing your lips to his shoulder,
“I have no idea Rafi. Let’s not decide tonight. We can worry about it in the morning,” you suggested. He hummed in agreement, finishing his food before wrapping an arm around your shoulders. He was quiet for a long time after that before he looked at you and then back at his lap,
“I thought I was going to die,” his voice was soft, but his words were strong, your gaze immediately going to his face. Sonny hadn’t told you much at all apparently. You stayed quiet, trying to allow Rafael to get it out of his system, “What happened in front of the courthouse, that shook me up, but the elevator, he was so close, it was just us. I thought he was going to shoot me. I thought I was never going to see you again,” Rafael looked tired, so you reached over, pulling him half on top of you so you could stroke your hand through his soft hair. He went quiet again, so you figured he was finished speaking,
“How long has this been going on Rafael?” you whispered, feeling the sudden tension in his muscles. He let out a loud sigh,
“Since Terrence Reynolds,” his voice was almost inaudible. Your eyes widened as you looked down at him,
“A year?” you couldn’t help the anger in your tone, but he knew it was you worrying, “A year, why did you try to deal with this all by yourself, you don’t have to do things on your own anymore,” he didn’t reply, instead closing his eyes and throwing his arm over your waist, “What exactly happened today? Sonny didn’t tell me much,”
“He came up to me after the Munson indictment, told me he could push me down the stairs and crack my skull open. Then today, he came into the elevator, it was just us and he was so close to me. He said someone was going to shoot me,” your frown deepened, your hold tightening on Rafael. Anger was coursing through your veins,
“No one is going to hurt you, it’s all okay right now,” you repeated, wanting to kill whoever had made your strong man feel so vulnerable. “It’s all okay,”
………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Fabric rustling pulled you from your deep sleep, the weight shifting on the bed rousing you further. Light filtered into your vision as you blinked a few times. You were met with the sight of Rafael trying to untangle your limbs and climb from the bed, He caught sight of your fluttering eyes, whispering softly by your ear, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up,” his warm lips pressing against the corner of your mouth. You grabbed at his arm as he tried to pull away,
“Rafi, don’t leave,” you whispered, already missing his warmth in the bed.
“I have to call off work mi amor, I’ll be back,” Rafael promised, pressing a kiss against the back of your hand before pulling out of your grip. You shifted around, the ache in your back feeling better once you were actually fully laying down. You must have dozed off while holding Rafael the night before, your neck and back all twisted up and stiff now. Rolling over onto your stomach, you caught sight of your alarm clock, 6:30. You wanted Rafael to come back to bed, so you could cuddle into him and doze off once more. You looked up when you heard his soft footsteps, watching as he shed his wrinkled clothing from the prior day before slipping back under the covers, “Thank you for last night,” he whispered into your neck, nuzzling the area right below your jaw. He held onto you almost too tight after that, but you didn’t mind, the darkness pulling you under once more.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………....
When you awoke next, Rafael was still wrapped around you, stroking his hand down your side, his other arm holding you tightly against him. “Mmm, morning,” you whispered. Rafael hummed softly from behind you, “I’m hungry, can we get breakfast?”
“Sure,” something in his body language, in his tone of voice, it seemed off.
“Are you still upset?” you whispered, turning over to run your hand over his cheek. He shook his head, “How long have you been up?”
“Since 6:30,” he admitted, but didn’t say anything else on the subject so you let it go. You pulled on a pair of leggings that you had stashed in the drawer he had cleared out for you a month or two ago and then stole a dress shirt from his closet, preferring the comforting smell of his cologne to your own clothing. “I’m making pancakes,” he whispered, his arms winding around your waist from behind. You frowned slightly, he wasn’t one who was overly affectionate usually, he would sit on the couch and cuddle during a movie if you asked, he would kiss you, but this constant touching since the night before, it was so different from his usual self. Then again, his life had just been threatened, and he seemed to be needing some extra reassurance,
“What’s the occasion?” you asked softly, he usually only made you your favorite breakfast on special occasions.
“Nothing,” he said softly, his lips trailing up the back of your neck over each vertebrae, “I just love you,” you wouldn’t complain about the special treatment.
“Let’s go then,” you whispered, grabbing his hand and dragging him from the room. Rafael’s face soured slightly when he was met with the sight of two police officers on his couch, but he didn’t say a word, instead getting ingredients from the fridge to start making breakfast. You sat down on one of the stools at the island, running your fingers through your messy hair. You threw it up into a bun, watching appreciatively as your man started to whisk things together. Another time, he might have gifted you with a little shimmy of his hips here and there or a goofy smile, maybe if he was still tipsy from the night before he would sing you something, but today he was all business. He did smile handsomely when he set a plate full of fluffy chocolate chip pancakes in front of you before taking a seat to your left.
“Mmmm,” you whispered, closing your eyes at the first taste, “How the hell do you do this?”
“
It’s a secret, remember?” he teased, taking a bite of his own food.
“How could I forget?” you exclaimed with a laugh. He was oddly quiet after that, his eyes glued to you the whole time. He looked like he was thinking, like he was wracking his brain for an answer to something, but you didn’t ask, instead letting him try to work through whatever it was alone. “Like what you see?” you whispered, trying to make him smile. He blushed slightly at being caught staring,
“Very much,” he replied, despite his embarrassment. He went silent after that, his eyes focused on his food, “So, I need to get some groceries,” he announced as he took the plates to the sink, “But I’m not sure if I’m allowed to go out or not. I should have put an order in for delivery yesterday but I was so busy,”
“Let me ask. We can go together,” you whispered, heading over to the couch to try and convince his protection to allow him this one thing. He needed something normal today. You had never been so grateful to have a day off for two reasons. First, you couldn’t imagine leaving Rafael here to sit all by himself with the two police officers, and second, you didn’t want to go in and face Olivia after the day before. After a brief conversation with the officers, you and Rafael got dressed and trailed the men out to their police cruiser. Rafael intertwined your hands, resting them in his lap during the ride there. You didn’t comment, letting him do as he pleased. At this point, you weren’t sure if he was still anxious or if he was worried about Liv and 1PP, but you couldn’t deny him anything he wanted. In the store, he was clingy, his arm looped around your waist as you made quick work of your grocery list. You couldn’t put your finger on what this was, he never had been one for PDA, preferring to keep your private life exactly that. When you got home, Rafael started to unpack the food and you helped him until your phone began to ring, “Hello?” you asked, stepping away from Rafael.
“Hey, Y/N, I’m really sorry to call you on your day off. I need you to bring me those files you took with you on vacation,” Sonny said. You sighed,
“Uh, okay, give me a minute,” you stepped back towards Rafael, kissing his cheek, “Darling, I have to run an errand, are you alright here?” He nodded, pulling you back for a real kiss,
“I’ll make dinner,” he whispered, a smile on his face, but when you looked into his eyes, you could tell he was upset about something.
“I’m sorry I have to leave,” you murmured, hoping that was the culprit and not something else.
“It’s fine,” Rafael assured you. You squeezed his forearm before heading out the door. Sonny was sitting at his desk when you rushed in. You wanted to get in and out of there so you could head on back home.
“Hey,” Sonny said with a smile, holding his hand out for the file,
“Thank you for bringing me that. How’s Barba?” you were grateful that he wasn’t acting weird around you after the day before.
“He’s okay, a little shaken up,” you replied truthfully, “Is that everything you needed?”
“Can you come over here and sign these files? They have your name on them,” he explained, pushing a stack of files towards you. You grumbled, but collapsed down into your chair. How the hell were you getting roped into paper work on your day off? “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me about you two,” Sonny voice was soft, but you couldn’t deal with this right now,
“Sonny, please, I can’t have you all over me too,” you whispered.
“I didn’t mean-I just meant as a friend. I thought we were closer than that,” he was quick to explain. You sighed, going quiet as you mechanically signed the papers, before looking up at him,
“I didn’t tell anyone Sonny, none of my friends, none of Rafael’s friends, we couldn’t risk it,” He simply nodded. All was quiet for a while more,
“I’m sorry Liv is giving you such a hard time,” he murmured. You smiled,
“It’s her job,”
“Y/N, what are you doing here?” Liv’s voice was kind, but it startled you, “You’re supposed to be off today and tomorrow,”
“I asked her to bring me the Larson file,” Sonny explained, “And she’s signing off on some files,”
“How’s Barba?” she asked softly, echoing your partner’s earlier question,
“He’s shaken up,” you said softly, “He’ll live though. He’s making me dinner, so I need to get on home here soon,” You bit the top of the pen, looking over the file once more. You were zoning out a little bit, the words all running together. Liv was over by the tv, doing something on the whiteboards and somehow you ended up being dragged into to all of that. It was hours before you made it back out the door. The apartment was dark when you got home, candles lighting the kitchen area. Rafael was standing by the stove, wiping his hands. “What’s all this Rafi? Did I forget my own birthday or something?” He came over, a bottle of wine in hand, with a soft smile on his face,
“No,” he whispered, “I’m glad you’re finally home,” he pressed his lips to yours before gently grabbing your hand and leading you to the table. You watched him carefully, feeling a tad under dressed in your leggings and sweater. Rafael was only wearing dress slacks and a button down, but somehow he always looked so handsome and put together. You blushed when he pulled the chair out for you, leaning down and pressing his lips against your cheek, “You look beautiful Y/N,”
“Stop it,” you whispered, your face warm from his sweet compliments. He poured you each a glass of the wine he had bought earlier during your shopping trip and then brought over the steaks he had cooked. You looked up at him, “Seriously, what is going on?” you narrowed your eyes,
“Can’t I just make you dinner?” Rafael said with grin, taking a seat opposite of you.
“Don’t avoid my question,” you replied. He looked down,
“Not now, we can talk about it later. I want to enjoy this,” his voice was soft, worrying you slightly, but you decided that wasn’t too ridiculous of a request. You nodded, reaching out to cover his hand with your own, “How was work?”
“Fine I guess,” you replied, taking a bite of your food, practically moaning, “Oh my God Rafael, this is so good,”
“Well I’m glad my afternoon wasn’t completely wasted,” he joked, taking a sip of his wine. The meal was nice, you were able to talk to him and the food was delicious. Afterwards, the two of you settled on the couch,
“What did you do with the police officers?” you asked with a laugh, snuggling into his arms.
“I may have slipped them a couple hundred dollars to sit outside in their car for a little bit,” he whispered, his lips dangerously close to yours. You chuckled softly, running your thumb over his cheek, your fingers brushing through his neatly trimmed sideburns.
“Wow, a couple hundred dollars for some privacy, we should probably make use of that alone time,” you whispered, just inches from his mouth.
“Most definitely,” he breathed before locking your lips in a soft kiss. You ran your tongue across his bottom lip, but instead of opening up for you he pulled back slightly, “Slow down a little,” he whispered before leaning in once more. You let him take the reigns, sighing softly into his lips. He was slow, but he had you melting into the couch in no time. Rafael pulled back, trailing wet kisses down your jaw and neck, focusing on the spots that had you arching into him and gasping, “Bedroom?” he murmured, suckling on your earlobe. You nodded, your legs feeling like jelly when you stood up. Rafael chuckled, winding an arm around your waist as you headed back to his bedroom. You climbed on the bed, enjoying the luxurious sheets on your skin. Rafael shut the door, slowly unbuttoning his shirt as he strolled towards you, his dark gaze glued on your body. You watched appreciatively as he unbuckled his belt, unbuttoning and unzipping his pants before letting them pool around his thighs. He smiled at you mischievously before shimmying his hips to get his pants off. You couldn’t help but laugh at him. “You have far too many clothes on,” he murmured, climbing onto the bed and crawling between your legs. His lips were soft and sensual, moving against yours. You reached up, working your fingers into his hair as he began to inch your shirt up and off your torso. Groaning, you let go of him, letting him pull the shirt over your head. When his tongue slipped past your lips, his fingers trailed down your side and to your hip. He was so gentle, his gaze heavy with emotion as he locked eyes with you. Rafael kept his eyes on yours the whole time, soft touches and slow, tender thrusts. The intensity was almost overwhelming, his mouth by your ear, warm breath making you shiver, “I love you yeah?” his voice was breathless, almost tearful, “So much Y/N,” You tried not to read too much into the way he was behaving, instead focusing on how good he felt.
“I love you too Rafi,” you murmured, your fingers stroking over the damp skin of his back. He lowered his head into the crook of your neck, wet tears dripping from his face onto your skin. Feeling tears pricking your own eyes, you leaned your head against Rafael’s, your body overcome by the profoundness of the moment. You laid in his arms afterwards, playing through the intensity, the deep emotions, and intimacy of what had just happened. Rafael was wrapped around you, his arms holding you tight against his chest like if he let go, he would never see you again. You felt drained physically and emotionally, humming contentedly as he trailed his lips across your skin. You reached down, prying one of his hands from your side and lacing your fingers in his. You let yourself drift off, happy to be wrapped up in his arms.