Maybe there’s hope

When Newt first opened his eyes in the Glade, he squinted at the sun and just felt warm and relaxed. The first Gladers hadn’t come up in the elevator, they wouldn’t all fit. They woke up strewn around the Homestead, laying in the grass, without knowing a single thing about their previous lives.

Newt didn’t know it yet, but it would be the very last time in his life when he wasn’t afraid at all. When he wasn’t worried about fighting to survive yet. When he didn’t know what bone deep grieve felt like.

So he just sat up and looked around, seeing a few other kids slowly waking up. The sun was shining and there was a slight breeze. He was in front of a big house on some kind of lawn, and all around in the distance he could see very tall walls surrounding them. There were some other smaller buildings and some trees in one corner of this place. It looked like a small forest, but he would have to find out later.

“Where am I? Who are you?” A boy his age had sat up close to Newt and was looking around frantic. Alby hadn’t woken up calm and peaceful. Alby’s first day at the Glade had started with fear and mistrust. It had taken Newt months to make him smile and years to get Alby to laugh out loud. Even now Newt smiled at the other one, held out his hand politely and said: “I’m Newt. I think. I’ve never been here before, and I don’t know how I got here. In fact, I don’t know what I did before here. Or where I was…”

He realized Alby was looking at him in horror, but it took Newt a couple of seconds to fully understand what he himself was saying. He didn’t know where they were. He didn’t even know who he was. Where he came from. What he liked to do. What his favorite color was. He couldn’t remember the names of his parents. Newt knew all sorts of other things. He knew that people had parents. He knew the names for all the things in the Glade, and he kind of understood how things worked.

He just didn’t know anything that was important about himself. Or anyone else for that matter.

Just like that, in a matter of seconds, Newt’s world started tilting. It would only take a couple of weeks to crush Newt’s spirits.

From now on, it would only get worse for him and the others on the Glade.

*

The first few weeks were hard. Once all kids had awoken, they tried to get some order in their group. Nick was one of the oldest, he looked around 15, so they decided he’d be their leader. They had figured out that nobody knew where they were or why they were here, but they didn’t trust each other. They took a look around, finding just a little food, mostly fruit and bread, and a well for water. There were seeds too, and some baby animals they had yet to realize were supposed to be livestock.

They ate all their food, gave a little to the baby pigs and goats and sheep, ran around the Glade, played, laughed. They treated it like a vacation on a farm. Sleeping in hammocks, staying up till late, doing what they wanted.

The first Gladers came up that elevator children. They didn’t know how the world worked or what you had to do to survive. But they would learn, sooner or later.

*

The first kid who came up with the idea to go beyond the walls was a happy, smiley boy called Gally. Newt had liked him from the start, especially because he balanced out Alby’s pessimism. They’d been there for a week maybe, and the food was getting scarce. So the older boys decided to go out and explore. Like an adventure.

They didn’t know that this day would be the one where everything changed.

“Come on, Newty, let’s go.”

Newt just shook his head over the ridiculous nickname Gally had given him. Still, he grinned at the boys who’d stay in the Glade. “See ya later, Shanks. Whatever that means.”

Alby sighed exasperated, he seemed extremely unhappy about all of this. “Why do you use that word if you don’t even know what it means?”

Newt shrugged, walking into the maze without fear. “Frypan made it up, I think. It’s a good way around swearing.”

Alby rubbed his eyes tiredly and urged them to walk a little faster. “Newt, there are no grown-ups here. It doesn’t matter if you use cuss words.”

“But when they’ll come back…”

“Newt. They won’t. Why would they leave us here? Where are our parents?”

Alby looked at him hard, and Newt shook his head. “I don’t know, Alby. I’m just trying to be positive, you kn-“

“Yo Shanks, come oooooon!” Gally was waiting for them around the next corner, moving around without patience. Jack, Nick, Cameron and George were laughing at him, but they seemed eager to explore too.

“Can we go, oh great leader of ours?”

“Shuck it, Gally”, Nick grinned. “Let’s meet back here in an hour?” He looked at his watch and nodded. “If you find anything interesting, holler.”

Gally waited a second to nod, then he ran off into on of the corridors of the maze. “This is going to be my job! Fuck crops and piggies. I’ll be a runner!”, he yelled for everyone to hear. Alby looked worried, but he bit back whatever he wanted to say, and off they went.

*

That day, only six boys came back to the Glade. Alby had stayed close to the entrance of the Glade, and when the hour was up he was waiting for them with wet palms and a frown on his face.

“Alby, you worrywart. Here we are!”, grinned Gally and clasped the other boy’s shoulder. He looked around. Alby and Nick were already there, Newt and George just rounded the corner, cheeks red from running and laughing.

Just a minute later, Jack came running around the last corner close to them.

“Go, move!”, he screamed, and he didn’t look like he was joking. Then they heard something big moving behind him, wet sliding sounds mixing with some kind of metallic whirring.

“Run!”

Jack didn’t stop for them, he kept running till he was in the middle of the Glade, then he just collapsed. The others followed him quickly, fear gripping them tightly.

“Where is Cam?” Alby looked around franticly.

“He.. they got him…” Jack was shaking, his clothes soaked in something slimy and something that looked like blood. Jack was sobbing loudly as the other kids gathered around them.

“What got him, Jack?” Newt kneeled beside him, softly touching his shoulder.

“Those.. those monsters. The ones we saw on that screen. The window. The things that only come out at night. They don’t. It took him and he… I tried to save him, but there was so much blood and I just… I just ran. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…”

Silence took over the usually giddy and happy atmosphere of the Glade. They all turned around to the exit the boys had come from. Expectantly. But nothing changed, no monster came charging through. Nobody said anything, Jack was the only one making any sounds, crying and clawing at the grass beneath him.

Then, slowly, just as they did every night, the huge doors to the maze closed. The Gladers breathed out softly, and one by one, they looked at Nick, their chosen leader. He seemed older now, tired and scared.

“Okay, nobody leaves the Glade. Rule number one of this fucking place is: Do not enter the maze. Ever.”

*

The stayed out of the maze for a while after that. Everything had changed. Kids who would play pranks on others would stop. Frypan didn’t have to lock up the food anymore, nobody took what wasn’t theirs. Kids who once had told everyone that they wouldn’t ever work here, whatever Nick said, started helping out even more than necessary. Everyone was scared and uneasy, and it took a while for people to look into Jack’s eyes again.

It was Newt who started talking about the maze again. They had found jobs for almost everyone, and those without special talents or interests just helped wherever they were needed. They had started growing food, raising the animals.

When the first elevator came up with a scared chubby pre-teen in it, nobody had had enough energy to be surprised. There was food in the elevator too, so that was nice. But it made Newt think about whoever had put them in here.

“Nick, listen. We have to go out there again. Someone sent up that elevator. Someone put us here on purpose. We need to find a way out, and if there is one, it’s through the maze.”

Nick didn’t want to hear anything about it, but after two more kids came up the atmosphere changed. Kids were getting restless. This nightmare of a holiday had to end, sooner rather than later. They wouldn’t be able to keep their little make-pretend society going for ever.

So they started the runners, and Newt was one of them. He, Gally, Nick and Minho were the fastest, and even though they were just as afraid as anyone else, they were ready to give it a try. They had studied the Grievers, and they were sure they could outrun them. They started slowly, always close to the exits, but after nothing happened for a while they grew bolder and explored further into the maze. They always made it back for sunset, and they barely saw any Grievers at all. They marked where they’d been, and started drawing maps.

“It’s changing”, Gally said with something close to awe in his voice. Newt nodded slowly, and Minho bent down over the maps to have a closer look.

“Do you think it means anything?”

“Might. Maybe there’s a pattern. Let’s get to work.”

Minho was especially convinced that their way out of this lay inside of the maze. He worked harder than anybody, ran faster and further. The other runners looked up to him and tried their best to keep up. They recruited more runners, planned better ahead, and soon the other Gladers came to respect them as they were actually trying to get them out of there.

*

Usually Newt was way too exhausted to dream. He got up, had breakfast, met with the other runners, and went into the maze. There he had to pay close attention to all his senses: what he saw, heard and felt, just in case a Griever came rumbling and tried to kill him. But he had to know where he was going and where he’d already been too. After he came back and the doors closed, he helped Frypan in the kitchen or sat with his friends around the bonfire they had most nights. They talked, joked, played silly games.

Newt liked to stay busy so he couldn’t think about his situation. There wasn’t much left of the happy, smiling boy who he had been when he woke up a few months ago. He was tired and so, so scared of the Grievers and of whoever had put them in here. But he was mostly still okay.

On the rare occasion when he had nightmares, he crawled over the two feet to George’s or Alby’s or Minho’s or sometimes even Nick’s mat and poked them till they hugged him close. He did the same for them, and the other kids were too intimidated by the runners to say anything when they woke up in the morning and Newt’s limbs were all tangled up with Alby’s. He didn’t care about the others. He had his few friends and tried to be kind to the others, especially the smaller kids, but he didn’t care about their opinions.

That last night before his life would be altered yet again, he snuggled close to both George and Minho on either side of him since it was a little colder than usual. Minho rubbed his hair fondly, still half asleep, and George smiled at him sleepily.

“Alright?”

Newt nodded and buried his face in his friend’s neck. George shivered slightly and pressed a kiss on top of Newt’s head. “Sleep, Newty.”

*

Newt had never thought about what they were doing as odd. He didn’t think about romance or sex like some of the other boys did, he didn’t have the time for it. He knew some of the older teens did things. He had seen them kissing, holding hands, disappearing in the woods, but he never cared.

Nobody really did, because everyone just took whatever comfort they could get.

On the day George died and Gally got stung, he realized for the very first time that maybe he could have had something like that with George. He cuddled with all of his friends, but it wasn’t like he hadn’t seen the looks George gave him. How he held on to Newt just a little bit longer than the others did in the morning. How he looked him in the eyes and seemed to be much happier around Newt than around others.

But Newt had been content with what he had. He hadn’t thought about it.

So when Gally came through the doors of the maze just seconds before they closed, he knew something was off. Gally was moving sluggishly, he was panting, his eyes unfocused till they found Newt’s.

“I’m so sorry”, Gally whispered before he sank to his knees. “George… they got him… I got stung... I…” He was crying silently, and everyone could see the Griever’s venom already working through his body.

Newt felt numb. He stared at the closed doors. George wouldn’t be coming through them ever again. It felt like Cameron all over again, just ten times worse.

They had all felt so safe within these walls, and now George was gone, and Gally was badly hurt. Newt heard Nick ordering people around. Gally would be given the antidote, and he would go through the Changing, just like two other kids had before him.

“Come on, Newty”, Minho whispered softly to him. “Let’s get you to bed, hm?” He took his hands and lead him away from the doors, and Newt just let him.

*

The worst part about that day wasn’t that he had lost George. The worst part was that he had lost two friends to the Grievers. Gally was alive, but he had changed so much after waking up that Newt could barely connect him to the happy friend he had been before. The new Gally refused to go anywhere near the maze, he never ever smiled, he hardly talked to anyone and when he did he was mean and nasty. Nobody ever found out what exactly had happened to Gally and George out there, because Gally wouldn’t say, and George’s body was never found.

Newt looked for it for days till he was so exhausted his brain didn’t make him see George whenever he closed his eyes.

He grew desperate. Minho, Nick and Alby, people who had once been so close to him, seemed far away, caught up in their own grieving. Newt felt so very lonely, but even worse: he couldn’t stop thinking about losing them too. Losing Alby, or Minho, or even Nick. They’d become so close. He knew everything about them, he knew what they liked to do and eat and what made them smile. He knew what kept them up at night and when they’d need a hug or just some friendly words.

And he couldn’t see them die too. His dark thoughts were overwhelming, spiraling down into an abyss of pain and grief and doubt and so much fear he couldn’t breathe sometimes. He wouldn’t survive anyone else dying. And Newt was so tired of waiting for the next tragedy. He longed for peace and safety and calm.

For silence, when all his thoughts ever did was scream and yell and scratch and punch and hurt him. He wanted them to stop.

Newt wanted everything to stop.

He wanted the world to make sense again, and it wouldn’t until he was back with George and the old Gally.

So he went into the maze, climbed one of the furthest walls up as high as he could.

And then he jumped.

*

When Newt woke up this time, he was in so much pain he almost passed out again.

Alby sat next to him, and he looked so sad and hopeless that it seemed natural to grasp his hand and tell him everything would be okay again. Only that it wouldn’t.

They had lost so much and they would probably lose so much more in the future, but Newt knew he couldn’t go on like that.

Alby held his hand; his eyes were red and puffy and he looked like he hadn’t slept in years.

“You can’t do that again, Newt”, he said almost without sound. “You can’t leave me alone too. George’s gone. Gally is as good as. Nick’s been crying his eyes out for hours, and the rest of the kids are all so lost, they don’t know what to do. Minho hasn’t eaten in days.” He looked Newt in the eye, and there was so much love and compassion there that Newt couldn’t even argue with him.

“So you don’t get to do this to me. You have to be strong and stay alive, because you can’t leave us alone too. Understood?”

Newt thought he did. He still wanted to die. To stop feeling everything so deeply. But he also understood that Alby and Minho and Nick couldn’t lose him too. They wouldn’t survive that, and he couldn’t be responsible for any more hurt.

*

Newt managed for almost two years. He got better. He’d never be a runner again, but he was content with his life, without feeling much. He helped with the crops, and he kind of became third in command, because Minho and Nick were both runners and away for most of the days. They still held each other at night, but it was with more desperation this time around. No childish nightmares and parents that were missed, but real-life monsters who waited just inches behind their safe walls to come and tear them apart, to take away everything they loved.

Newt still thought about George sometimes, but those times got less frequent with each month passed, each new greenie to feed and comfort and teach how life worked here.

He tried to avoid Gally as best as he could, which wasn’t really hard because Gally stayed as far away from anyone else as possible. Sometimes Newt missed the friend Gally had been before the Changing, and the fact that Gally was still alive and kicking didn’t comfort him at all.

To be honest, he had buried Gally with the empty casket in which they had buried George’s things, a few letters and some flowers.

And on very dark nights Newt regretted not trying harder with Gally. Not being the friend Gally probably deserved, because he was sure the old Gally was still in there somewhere, beneath all that hurt and anger. But he couldn’t face him, and that would haunt him till the end.

*

When Nick died everything came crashing down on Newt all over again, he cried and he fought and he screamed till his throat was raw. Minho was there with him, and Alby.

They were what was left.

He recovered faster this time. It was as if something else inside of him had died. Some more of his hope, his kindness, his patience. Some more of his light had been taken away from him, and he knew he would never get it back.

He felt numb and far away from the world. But still he held onto Alby and Minho as they sobbed, and he even managed to look at Gally who looked stricken for a moment before his mask slipped back in place and he stomped off angrily.

They would never be alright again, he wasn’t sure how he could ever had hoped that they would.

*

When Thomas came up in the elevator, it wasn’t any different than with any other kid. Newt had been doing his work when the alarm went off. They all gathered around as Jack and Alby opened the doors, and a teenager with unruly dark hair had looked up at them in fear.

Newt watched them haul him out of the elevator, and he was already thinking about his next tasks, strangely distanced from reality as he often was, when this new kid looked at him.

Thomas’s eyes were big and full of wonder, and he looked so innocent and hopeful and confused it broke something deep inside of Newt.

He bit his lip, hard. He would not start caring again, and especially not for some scrawny kid who would probably doom them all with his curious eyes and annoying questions.

Still, he thought, while a desperate little flame came to life inside of him. He tried not to, but hope had taken ahold of him.

“Hey there, greenie. I’m Newt”, he said as friendly as he could manage, and smiled as Thomas took his hand.