Work Text:
I parked my car on the side street, looking out my window at all the fans lining up outside the venue. This was probably a really bad idea, the fans would recognise me and I was not sure I was prepared to actually go in and watch them again. I didn’t even really know why I was here and what I was trying to achieve.
I sat in my car, turning the radio up and deciding I’d wait until doors opened and I’d sneak in at the back. I didn’t want to cause any unnecessary distractions from the band and I could guarantee my appearance would be just that, especially if word got to Calum I was here.
I pulled my phone out, logging onto twitter and seeing his latest tweets.
“@Calum5sos: Can’t wait to show you guys a good time, Oxford!”
It was killing me that he was so close but I couldn’t even look at his twitter without crying. I closed it down, pulling up my contacts and calling Hannah’s number.
“Hello?” She answered, slightly confused.
“Hey, it’s me.” I replied and I could almost hear the eye roll.
“Yes I know. Caller ID and shit. What do you want “me”? Sh
e teased and it was my turn to roll my eyes,
“I’m outside the venue.” I told her and I could hear the gasp.
“I didn’t think you were gonna do it.” She admitted.
“I didn’t think I would either. But maybe it’ll be good for me?”
“Let’s just hope Calum doesn’t see you Soph. Luke says he’s been having a hard time.”
I bit my lip, trying not to think about an upset Calum. I hated thinking it was all my fault. He always so happy and outgoing, I’d only ever seen him cry once and that was when I told him I couldn’t do it anymore.
“I wish things were easier.” I whispered, knowing they couldn’t be. The long distance between us wasn’t working and it was causing us to argue constantly. I loved him more than anything but I couldn’t do it if we never saw each other and if we did, it was only for a short amount of time.
“It was the right thing to do Soph. That relationship was draining both of you.” She told me and although I knew she was right, I couldn’t help but think how things were not that much better now.
“I miss him.” I mumbled and it was the first time I had admitted it out loud to anyone.
“I know you do chick, but you’ve gotta be strong. I can come down front with you if you want. Plus I think this will be good for you.” She sighed. i didn’t want to make her come down front, her and Luke hadn’t seen each other in so long and besides if she came down front with me we’d draw even more attention than if I was on my own. I was insanely jealous of them. They’d made the thing me and Calum had failed at, succeed. They made it work with hardly any arguments and somehow they dealt with the long distance ten times better than me and Calum ever did.
“It’s fine, we’ll just draw attention to ourselves. The doors are opening, I’ve gotta go.” I saw the fans start to pile in, getting more and more excited.
“Ok, have fun honey.” She said before I hung up.
I hoped she wouldn’t say anything to Luke about me being here, I didn’t want any of them to know I was in the crowd and as I made my way in I felt my stomach get more and more knotted.
“Ticket please miss.” The door attendant asked me and I handed my ticket over.
“In you go, although you won’t be anywhere near the front.” He frowned but I was glad. I didn’t want to risk Calum seeing me.
I made my way inside the venue, joining the back of the crowd. The girls were too caught up in the music blaring from the speakers and the excited chatter to notice their surroundings.
Just as the doors closed, 5sos’ intro music started playing and out came the boys I’d known for years; Ashton first, Michael second, Luke third and finally Calum. They all had huge grins on their faces, instruments in hand as they started their first song. The crowd immediately fell into their hands, jumping and screaming and singing along.
About halfway through the third song I caught Luke looking around the crowd. But not like he was admiring his fans; more like he was looking for someone. Hannah had told him I was here.
He stopped looking, going to greet the crowd and introduce them.
“Hey guys! We’re 5 Seconds Of Summer! How’re you all doing this fine night?” He greeted them, scanning the audience before his eyes landed on me at the back. He frowned slightly before Calum got up to introduce the next song.
“This is from our EP, it’s called Heartache On The Big Screen!” He shouted before they jumped back into playing.
Luke kept glancing over at me and then back at Calum. I was getting very aware that if he wasn’t careful he was going to give me away.
They finished the song and whispered something in Calum’s ear which made him frown and my heart clenched. What was he saying?
“Well Luke seems to think we shouldn’t play Amnesia tonight, doesn’t think it suits the vibe you guys have got going. But I think that’s a stupid idea!” Calum worked the crowd and they all cheered. I hadn’t heard Amnesia, it was a new song and they hadn’t been working on it when me and Calum were still together.
“I just don’t think it’s a good idea.” Luke protested into the mic.
“Don’t be such a killjoy Luke!” Michael shouted into the mic and all the crowd shouted as well. I wondered why Luke was so against them playing this song live.
“C’mon grab the acoustic.” Ash laughed from behind the kit and Luke grabbed it reluctantly from beside the drums. He leaned over to whisper in Ashton’s ear and Ash’s eyes flickered over to me.
He mouthed a “shit” but he also shrugged like they had no choice but to play the song.
“Let’s play it then.” Luke shrugged the guitar on, looking over at me apologetically. I was now curious to see what was such a big deal about this song.
He played the opening chords and he started to sing.
“I drove by all the places
We used to hang out getting wasted.
I thought about our last kiss
How it felt, the way you tasted.”
Luke looked uncomfortable as he sang which was odd for someone who was usually so at ease on stage.
“And even though your friends tell me
You’re doing fine.
And you’re somewhere feeling lonely
Even though he’s right beside you.”
Calum sang the next part, he appeared to be tearing up.
“When he says those words that hurt you
Do you read the ones I wrote you?”
“Sometimes I start to wonder
Was it just a lie?
If what we had was real
How could you be fine?”
Calum’s voice cracked at the end, he seemed really torn up and I started to fear why Luke was so against playing this song.
“Cause I’m not fine at all.”
“Shit.” I muttered, suddenly deciding I’d be ten times better leaving now. But something was keeping me there,
“I remember the day you told me you were leaving,
I remember the makeup running down your face,
And the dreams you left behind you didn’t need them,
Like every single wish we ever made.
I wish that I could wake up with amnesia,
Forget about the stupid little things,
Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you
And the memories I never can escape
Cause I’m not fine at all.”
I couldn’t take the rest of the song. tears were falling down my face and I was about to turn and leave but as I wiped furiously at my cheeks, Calum’s eyes landed on me at the final chorus.
“I remember the day you told me you were leaving,
I remember the makeup running down your face,
And the dreams you left behind you didn’t need them,
Like every single wish we ever made.
I wish that I could wake up with amnesia,
Forget about the stupid little things,
Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you
And the memories I never can escape
Cause I’m not fine at all.”
He choked up at the word “amnesia”, his throat closing up and a tear fell down his cheek.
He didn’t take his eyes off me for the rest of the song and I stood rooted, unable to move. As the song ended, Calum moved to talk angrily at Luke on stage, starting to whisper and argue.
I couldn’t take it anymore, I felt suffocated by the pressure, by hearing him singing that song, by hearing how broken he was. It was all my fault for leaving him.
I left the venue, aware that I might start to be a cause for discussion, so I walked over to the car and opened the door, sliding into the front seat and cried. I didn’t know how else to deal with it. I wanted it to be ok, I didn’t want him to not be fine. I wanted him to find someone else so I could maybe do the same.
I was sat there for what felt like hours before I heard my phone ring and I picked it up, looking at the caller ID.
“Luke Calling”
“What?” I answered tiredly, answering because I knew if I didn’t he’d come looking for me.
“I can see you in your car.” He stated and I almost laughed.
“That is the creepiest thing you could ever say to a person, Hemmings.” I rolled my eyes.
“Stop messing around out there. I’m gonna wait backstage with security and let you in. You and Calum need to sort this out.” He sighed and I wanted to just start my car and leave. I had no intention of talking to Calum after tonight.
“I’m not coming backstage Luke. There’s nothing to sort out.” I mumbled, fumbling for my keys.
“You’re both messes! You’re coming to our concerts and crying, whilst Hannah says you miss him more than anything. Calum is moping around everywhere and writing the most heartbreaking songs I’ve ever heard come out of a teenage boy’s brain.” Luke snapped and I was beginning to think it was worse than he was letting on.
“Luke…” I didn’t even know what to say; I just couldn’t go in.
“Let me talk to her.” Hannah’s voice came from the other line and I could hear them arguing before it seemes Luke had relented and handed her his phone.
“Just come in. He’ll be more upset if you don’t come backstage now. Her knows you’re here, you can’t get out of this now.” She tried to persuade me.
“Well if you hadn’t told your boyfriend I was here we wouldn’t be in this mess or how about if he didn’t make such a fucking fuss about that song.” I snapped.
“He would’ve seen you whether or not Luke knew you were here. He didn’t point you out.” She pointed out to me and I tried not to give in.
“I just can’t.” I admitted and I could hear them muttering at the other end before Luke’s voice came back over the line.
“Please Sophie.” He begged and I sighed, pocketing my keys and checking how I looked in the mirror.
“I’ll be there in 2.” I hung up, fixing my makeup and hair. I still looked like shit after having cried for so long but I didn’t plan on staying long enough for it to matter. Besides Calum had seen me in worse states.
I made my way to the side of the building trying to keep in the shadows and made my way to the backstage door. Hundreds of girls were crowded around and I couldn't get in.
I was about to pull my phone out and call Luke to tell him this was an impossible task, when a security guard got all the girls to move away from the door, herding them further away.
I slipped past the girls and up to the door, the guard stopping me.
"Sorry, you can't come back here." He said, although he didn't look very sorry.
"I'm with Luke." I told him and he rolled his eyes.
"You're always with fucking Luke." He scoffed, "out of the way."
"It's fine, let her in." Luke stood behind him.
"She should have a pass if she's with the band." The guard grumbled but either way he stood aside and let me in.
"C'mon, it's this way." Luke said leading me down the passageways and towards the dressing room.
We came to the door and he opened it up stepping inside, telling me to stay outside a second.
"Ash. Michael. Get out." Luke told them and I heard scoffs and shouts of protests before Luke just pushed them out the door.
"Oooh." Ashton laughed when he saw me and I smiled slightly. "He'll be glad to see you Sophie."
"I hope so." I muttered. I didn't think he would be. But I didn't have much of a choice now.
I walked in to see Luke and Calum engaged in a whisper argument and I almost turned around walked straight back to my car when Calum stopped and looked straight at me.
"What...oh right...sort it." Luke demanded before pushing past me and out the room.
"Hey." I said, looking down at the ground, unable to look at him.
"Why're you here?" Calum asked, his voice strained.
"Luke asked me to come in and see you..." I trailed off. I'd assumed Luke had told Calum before calling me.
"No why are you at the gig?" He clarified and I looked up at him properly. He was sat on the sofa arm, running a hand through his hair. He looked exhausted now he was closer.
"I don't really know." I admitted. I felt intimidated by him and I didn't like that. I'd never felt intimidated by him in my entire life, even when we argued.
"So you just thought you'd have a night out and come and watch our band?" He asked disbelievingly and I'd had enough.
"I don't know why I'm fucking here Calum. I bought the ticket when I was drunk and I figured if you didn't know I was there it wouldn't matter. But then you went and played that fucking song." I was trying really hard not to cry, but he was making it too damn difficult.
"It was the only way I could think of to deal with you just abandoning me!" He exclaimed and our voices were starting to get louder.
"We were a mess Calum! You didn't trust me and I didn't trust you! What kind of relationship is that?!" I shouted and he flinched.
"I always trusted you. I just didn't trust Charlie!" He retorted and I scoffed. This was the root of all our problems and it was still an issue even after we hadn't spoken in 4 months.
"This is why we didn't work! This right here." I sobbed, unable to keep it in anymore. He was breaking my heart.
“We didn’t work because you weren’t willing to sort out our problems, just leaving it; burying your head in the sand and running.” He snapped and I was taken aback. He was bitter, I got that. But the fact that he didn’t understand why I walked away threw me.
“We didn’t work because our problems were beyond fixable Calum! It was becoming so much effort to want to spend time with you and it shouldn’t be like that. You were never there and we’d argue. You were there and we would argue! That’s not a healthy relationship! So of course I broke it off, I couldn’t do it anymore and if you’re denying all this then we’ve got a huge issue.” I told him, watching as he looked even more broken than before.
“I just wanted it to work.” He mumbled and I walked towards him, sitting on the sofa.
“So did I, but it didn’t because you didn’t trust me. If you don’t trust me then I can’t even think about this working again.” I admitted and he looked over at me, hope suddenly in his eyes.
“So if I trusted you...you’d think about us getting back together.” A small smile on his lips.
“There was more than just trust issues Cal, the distance was exhausting.” I admitted. I did want to give it another shot, seeing him that night made me realise just how much I missed spending time with him.
“I can’t do anything about that Soph, you know that. But Luke and Hannah make it work.” He told me and I knew he was right, but we weren’t Luke and Hannah.
“But we tried and we didn’t make it work.”
“We ask them for tips.” He smirked and I chuckled, he was so desperate to make this work.
“How do we know it won’t be any different to last time?” I whispered as he moved closer to me on the sofa, looking down at my hands in my lap.
“We don’t. Not until we try.” He sighed, laying his hands on mine.
“I dunno Cal…” I began, but was silenced as he caught my lips in a kiss. It took me a second to register what was happening but when I did, I kissed back hungrily.
I’d missed the feeling of his lips on mine and I savoured the moment, taking in every little thing, like how his lips moved, how his hands rested on my waist and thigh, how my hands were wound in his hair.
We were caught up in our moment when someone crashed through the door. We jumped apart to see Ashton stood awkwardly in the middle of the room, Luke and Michael smirking behind him.
“Were you guys listening in?” Calum asked incredulously, Luke now full on grinning.
“I did tell them not to but as you can see no-one listens to me.” Hannah laughed from the doorway.
“Well you went really quiet really suddenly so we thought maybe Sophie had killed you and was burying your body.” Ashton chuckled and I smiled. “But it looks like you’re all sorted out here.” He scratched the back of his neck awkwardly.
“Come on, let’s leave these two to themselves.” Hannah laughed, pushing Ash out the room followed by Michael. Luke put up a bit of a fight but she eventually managed to pull him from the room as well. “Have fun!” she called, shutting the door just as Calum captured my lip in another kiss.