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It's happening. It's finally happening. He's finally kissing her. Like she has been waiting for for months. This is what she wants. What she has wanted since he came back into her life.
Right?
It is. It has to be. And she finally got it.
Then why doesn't she feel like it is? Why doesn't she feel anything at all? This is not how you're supposed to feel when the guy you like kisses you, right? Patterson has always said that her first kiss with David was magical, that she felt like the whole world stopped and it was just them. She definitely doesn't feel that way right now... then again she has never felt that with any guy. But at least with them she felt something. Right now, she just feels... weird. She also remembers the one time that she accidentally found Borden and Patterson kissing, she remembers their smiles, how happy they looked even after being interrupted. That's how it should feel... Although, of course, he was happy, who wouldn't be happy after kissing Patterson? The woman is beautiful and smart, and has the softest-looking lips, and Tasha has found her gaze falling down to them without her command before, and why is she thinking about kissing Patterson while she kisses Reade?! God.
She needs air. She needs to leave.
So she breaks the kiss, unable to soften the frown that appeared on her face seconds after their lips connected. Luckily, it looks like it wasn't what he expected either, so maybe it won't be as awkward as she'd imagine.
He starts to open his eyes slowly and it's like something inside her clicks and she starts to panic. "I-- uh. Ihavetogo." She manages to blurt before practically running away.
She only stops when she reaches her car, shutting the door and letting her head fall back as she catches her breath.
So.
Reade kissed her.
It felt empty.
For some reason, she started thinking about Patterson's lips.
And she flew.
But she likes Reade! She's in love with him, right?
Maybe it just wasn't the right moment. Or the right place. (The right person.) Ugh.
She starts the engine of the car, not sure where she's going. That is, until she reaches the exit she always takes when she visits Allie and she knows that's where she wants to go.
She checks the clock. 21:30. That's actually a pretty good hour. Taylor will be asleep but Allie and Connie won't.
Gosh, she hopes they aren't having sex...
As soon as she arrives, she's out of her car and at their door. She rings the bell. Soon getting impatient, she knocks twice, right before the door gets swung open. In no time, she's inside and she's pacing around the living room, completely ignoring Connie's "Tash?" as she barged in.
Entering the living room with a bowl of popcorn and looking down at her phone, Allie asks "C, who is--" before looking up and seeing her best friend, at the same time as she hears the door close and her girlfriend approach. "Tasha?"
"Reade kissed me," is the first thing she says, still pacing and not looking at the two women.
"Uh" Allie reacts, eyebrows raising, but instantly frowns. "... okay. And?"
Tasha finally stops walking and looks at her. Panic visible on her face, which makes Allie's frown deeper. She sets the bowl on a table and takes a step towards her. "Tash, what's wrong?" Suddenly her eyes widen as a thought enters her mind. "Did he hurt you?"
"No! No. I..." Tasha's gaze switches to Connie and back at Allie. "Shit. I'm. Sorry. I know it's late and I literally barged in. Shit."
"It's alright. Tell us what happened."
Tasha's hands twitch. She takes a deep breath and, closing her eyes, nods, more to herself than to her friends. She exhales and opens her eyes. "He kissed me. And I thought that was what I wanted. It is. It's what I want. But it was just weird. It felt empty. And somehow I started thinking about Patterson and I panicked... so I... left."
"Right," Allie says, biting her lip to contain the smirk that appeared at the mention of the blonde.
Tasha huffs, knowing what her friend is thinking. "Allie." She warns.
"What?"
"This is not about her."
Allie chuckles. "Tash, you know what I think, so don't tell me you're here for any other reason."
"I'm here because I can't talk with Reade or Patterson about this." She replies, exasperated.
Allie sighs. "Okay. What do you want to talk about? How you didn't enjoy kissing 'the guy you're in love with'? Or how you were thinking about kissing a woman instead?" She asks, sarcasm evident in her tone.
"Allison, I'm not gay!!" Allie's eyebrows rise in surprise at the usage of her full name. "That's just a small crush," Tasha adds, smaller and shaking her head.
"A seven years old crush." Allie states and Tasha glares at her. Sighing, the Marshall says, "Look. I'm sorry. I know I'm just making things worse..."
Tasha looks at the floor and mumbles "It's okay." Taking a breath and looking back up, she continues. "I just... I don't know... I don't know how I feel?"
Allie notices that she's not gonna continue so she speaks. "Do you want me to be honest?" Allie waits until Tasha nods. "I think you are trying to feel something that you think you should feel but that you actually don't feel." Tasha frowns slightly, thinking about it. "And it's just messing with your head. The struggle between how you feel and how you want to feel, that is. Or, more like, how you think you should feel."
Letting out a tired breath, Tasha sits down on the couch, puts her head in her hands, leaning forward, and groans. Allie crouches down in front of her and runs her thumbs over the woman's knees.
Tasha feels overwhelmed. She hears what Allie is telling her and she understands, but... she does like Reade. The past months yearning for him have to mean something. And yeah, sure, she's always thought Patterson was beautiful and she would do whatever she has to to make sure the woman is happy and safe. But it's just that. A tiny crush and a friend caring for another friend. And, maybe, she does like girls... a little bit... always has. But that doesn't mean she's in love with Patterson.
After a few seconds, Tasha takes her head away from her hands. She feels tears filling her eyes, as she looks at Allie, who is looking up at her, concerned. A tear escapes her eye, but Allie catches it with her thumb right away. "I don't know what to do." Tasha whispers, voice so small that the other girl has to lean in a bit closer to hear her. "I don't know..." she trails off, unsure of what she means to say as another tear rolls down.
"Can I try something?" Connie intervenes, making Allie turn around in her crouched position to look at her while Tasha wipes her tears with her hand before nodding. "Okay. You want to know how you really feel, right?" After another nod, she continues, moving forward and silently asking Allie to move so that she can sit next to Tasha. Allie sits at the other side. "Alright. Let's play a little game. Close your eyes." Tasha looks at her hesitantly. "Trust me, it'll help."
Tasha bites her lower lip and nods, before closing her eyes. "Okay."
"Now I'm gonna ask you a few things. I'll say two words and you have to choose one. Just say the first thing that comes to your mind, don't over think it, okay?"
"Yeah."
"Alright. Ice cream or pizza?"
"Pizza." She answers right away.
"Beer or wine?"
Tasha opens an eye and frowns. "Con, how is this--"
"Ah ah. Close your eyes and trust me." The girl sighs and does as she was commanded. "Beer or wine?"
"Beer."
"Dogs or cats?"
"Cats."
"Reade or Patterson?"
"Patter--" Before she can finish saying the name, she realises what she's saying and her eyes are instantly open as she gasps.
Smiling, Allie mumbles "there you go".
Some seconds later, Tasha recovers from the initial shock and swallows. "Oh my god... oh my god. Shit." Her eyes jump from Connie to Allie and back to Connie and back to Allie before she says "So, um... what does that mean?"
"It means whatever you want it to mean."
"It doesn't have to mean anything."
But it does. It means something. Maybe it's just a game, but her subconscious didn't even flinch before choosing.
And it chose Patterson.
---
It's a few minutes past 11 when she finds herself at Patterson's door. Somehow, she found the courage to go in and knock. She doesn't what she's gonna do but she knows she wants to be there. Three hours before she was convinced she wanted to be with Reade but... Ugh, what is she doing?!
Before she can fully freak out and leave, the door opens and she's standing in front of the blonde. Tasha's eyes fall down to the shirt she's wearing, the same design of that cup she loves so much, and she can't help but smile. When she looks up, she sees Patterson also smiling with a hint of surprise."Hey."
"Hi," she bites her lip. "Can I come in?"
Patterson's smile turns into a grin as she moves to let her in. Tasha takes way too long to get in, being distracted by how beautiful her friend looks. And that smile.
Once they are inside, Patterson asks "so, uh... what's up? Not that I don't want you here. I do. But... I thought you... and Reade... were going out today?"
"We did. He kissed me."
"Oh," Patterson says and her face falls for a split second before an almost-there smile reappears. She looks around, at everything except Tasha. "That's... That's great.'
"Not really," Tasha whispers, taking a few steps until Patterson is at arm's length. "It wasn't."
Patterson makes eye contact again. And her gaze is so intense that it almost makes Tasha look away and hide behind the walls she learnt to put up. Almost. "Why are you here?" Patterson's voice is small, but they are so close - Tasha doesn't remember moving that close - that the brunette can hear her perfectly.
She uses her left hand to brush Patterson's hair behind her ear before her gaze falls to her lips. "I just... need to check one thing." She's leaning in, she's practically talking into Patterson's mouth and the blonde is not moving away. Actually, she's pretty sure she's holding her breath.
"Tasha?"
The brunette looks up at her eyes but finds them closed. "Do you trust me?" Instantly, Patterson nods.
Tasha puts her hand under Patterson's chin, not actually holding it, just the ghost of a touch, and she moves in the last few inches left between them, connecting their lips.
It's slow, and it's gentle. And it's everything a first kiss should be. It's the best kiss Tasha has ever experienced.