Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Emergency Faculty Meeting
March 6, 11:52 AM

“Look at this,” John murmured solemnly, sliding the newspaper across the table.

“I do not wish to see it. I cannot read it again. I can’t even think about it again.”

“Geoff, just look. You really need to see this.”

Geoff sighed, dragging the paper toward himself. He looked down, and there, splashed across on the front page, taking up nearly all of the space above the fold, was a black and white picture of Geoff… and Awsten.

Room 121
February 17, 8:16 AM

The classroom door flew open. Every student’s eyes slid toward the kid with purple hair carrying a coffee tray and smacking a bright pink wad of gum between his teeth.

“Welcome. Glad you could join us, Awsten,” Mr. W commented softly, just like he did every morning when Awsten waltzed in long after the bell had rung.

“Ya miss me?” Awsten grinned.

“Of course,” Mr. W replied. No one cared more about their students than Mr. Wigington - although this time, Awsten caught him glancing wearily at the clock before he marked Awsten tardy. More than fifteen minutes late today - that would warrant some kind of punishment for sure.

Awsten winked at his friend Alex as he made his way to his chair. “Caramel latte for Chloe,” he announced, pausing halfway through the sea of desks to pass a pretty girl a drink.

“Aw! Thanks, Awsten,” she smiled.

“No problem. Black coffee for Alex…” He handed the cup to his friend and then put another one on his own desk. “Hot chocolate with extra whipped cream for me…” He turned around, one drink left in the tray. “Who wants an iced mocha?” 

Hands shot up, but Awsten held the Starbucks cup out to their teacher. “Mr. W?”

“No, thank you. I would just like to resume teaching,” he replied, but he didn’t sound angry.

Awsten ignored the pleas of, “Me, me!” and strode back up to the desk. “Here; you can have it.” He set the coffee down and tossed the tray toward the garbage from at least twelve feet away. Naturally, he missed, and he laughed loudly and jogged over to put it in.

“Recycling,” Mr. W murmured.

“What?”

“It is composed of cardboard. Please put it into the recycling bin.”

“Oh. Sure.” Awsten dumped it in the trash.

A couple of kids laughed, but most of them just stared.

Mr. W was the only teacher in the entire high school who hadn’t given Awsten a detention yet, which meant that Awsten was on a mission to really earn it. He took his time walking to his seat and then slid into his desk.

“You didn’t bring your backpack?” Alex inquired in a whisper.

Awsten replied at normal volume. “Fuck no.”

“You want some paper?”

“Fuck no,” Awsten repeated.

Alex snorted and shrugged one shoulder. “Alright.”

“Hey, how’s the coffee?”

“Awsten,” Mr. W warned softly.

“Sorry!”

He wasn’t sorry, though. He talked through the rest of the period, completely ignored the discussion, and, toward the end, started bothering the kids in the row in front of him with his feet.

“Awsten,” Mr. W finally murmured, “please leave your friends alone.”

Awsten smirked. “Kay.”

When class finally ended, Mr. W stopped Awsten at the door and kept him until everyone had trickled out. “I understand that you are being kind, bringing treats for your friends, but it’s making you tardy, and I do not want you to miss any information. You know that you have an examination tomorrow, so it is-”

“We do?" Awsten interrupted. “Wait, on what?”

Mr. W gave him a patient but slightly frustrated smile. “I just spent the last several minutes going over it, Awsten. You will have to check with one of your peers.”

Awsten did feel a little guilty about that. “Oh.”

“Your coming in late truly is a distraction to the other students,” Mr. W continued. “If it was solely affecting you, I wouldn’t say anything since you are a senior; you are old enough now to be responsible for yourself. But Awsten, it is difficult for everyone to maintain their focus when you come in halfway through the lesson and make everything pause. You are very self-aware, so I know that you know better than that.”

Awsten looked down at his feet. He’d meant to anger Mr. W, not disappoint him…

"I am just letting you know that it needs to stop," Mr. W told him. “You are not in any trouble.”

Of course not. “I know,” Awsten mumbled.

“Alright. It is nearly time for your next class, but please remember that the test is tomorrow. Taylor takes good notes. If you speak with her kindly, she may just be willing to help you.”

Awsten forced a cheesy smile, nodded, and headed out the door.

“What did he say?” Alex asked. He’d hung back to wait even though they didn’t have second period together.

“That when I show up late I’m a 'distraction.'”

Alex winced.

“Whatever. He still didn’t give me a detention.”

“Okay,” he sighed.

Something about Alex’s tone got Awsten to look at him as they navigated the hall. "What?"

“Dude, Mr. W is everybody’s favorite teacher for a reason. You know that, right?”

“Duh.”

“So why are you trying to make him hate you?”

Cause all the other grown-ups do, and he doesn’t, and it’s weird. “I don’t know.”

“Well, I kinda think you should stop,” Alex confessed. “He’s really nice, and he’s actually a good teacher. He wants you to do well even though you treat him li-”

“I don’t treat him like anything,” Awsten interrupted with a fake laugh. “Go to math. I’ll see you later.”

“Awst-”

Awsten pushed past Alex and kept walking.

Teacher’s Lounge
February 17, 9:02 AM

“How was your first period? Was Grapes late again?”

“As always,” Geoff sighed. He wasn’t usually one to offer up information, but Awsten’s behavior had been growing stranger, so he added, “Do you recall when I told you that he brings coffee in for the other students sometimes?”

“Yeah.”

“He brought one for me today, as well.”

John laughed. “You think he might be trying to butter you up? Keep out of trouble?”

“No, I don’t believe so,” Geoff responded truthfully. “He seemed the same as always.”

“Crazy,” John supplied.

"No," Geoff replied, but he didn't say anything else.

John shrugged and then asked, “You’re giving them the Slaughterhouse-Five test tomorrow, right?”

Geoff hummed, absently stirring his coffee. “Yes, I am. I conducted a brief review at the end of the period and allowed them to ask their questions, and afterward, I called Awsten up to have a word with me.”

“You what?” John asked incredulously.

“While we were speaking, I mentioned the exam, and he said, ‘We have an exam? On what?’" Geoff shook his head. "I thought I might just topple over.”

“I can’t believe you talked to him after class!” John exclaimed.

“Why do you look so pleased about that?”

“Because! You’re taking a stand!”

“I am not 'taking a stand,'” Geoff huffed. “I was merely reminding him that there are seven other students in the class as well and that he needs to be considerate of th-”

“You are!” John crowed. “You’re taking a stand! Hell yeah, man.” He punched Geoff amiably in the shoulder. “I’m so proud of you. He needs it.”

“He seems like a kind person beneath his exterior.”

John barked a laugh. “Right. And I’m a sexy French girl.”

“That is repulsive,” Geoff replied with a hesitant smile.

Room 121
February 18, 8:04 AM

“Ah, just in time. I am glad that you could join us,” Mr. W noted to Awsten. “Please take a seat.”

Oh, fuck. As soon as Awsten left Mr. W's room yesterday, he had forgotten all about the test. He wasn’t even sure what book he was supposed to have read. While Mr. W started passing out papers, Awsten headed to the back row, trying to decide whether or not he cared that he was definitely going to bomb this.

“As always, if you have any questions, please raise your hand and I will come to you. Just relax, take your time, and remember: nothing on this exam is intended to trick you. I am confident that all of you are going to do an excellent job.”

Awsten kept his eyes cast down as Mr. W spoke; he understood that the encouragement and pep talk didn’t apply to him. God, he hated getting like this. It didn’t even make sense. He was supposed to not care that he would fail. That’s what everyone else thought about him, but there was no denying that it sucked getting Ds and Fs back on all his papers. He wished he would have tried. But he also knew that come next test, he’d probably be in exactly the same boat.

Michael handed Awsten the last test from the stack Mr. W had given the row, and Awsten scribbled his name in the top corner.

1. On the last page of chapter one, Vonnegut writes that his book is ________.
          a. a success
          b. a failure

2. What is the nickname that Weary comes up with for himself and the group?
          a. The Three Musketeers
          b. The Protectors
          c. Alpha Team

3. What title does the narrator agree to call his novel to appease Bernard V. O'Hare's wife Mary O'Hare?
          a. My Time in the War
          b. To Dresden and Back
          c. The Children's Crusade
          d. Slaughterhouse-Five

4. Which of the following phrases is repeated throughout the novel?
          a. What will be will be.
          b. Breathe in, breathe out.
          c. Everything will be alright.
          d. So it goes.

5. Which best describes the Tralfamadorians’ appearance?
          a. They are invisible to Billy, and he can only sense their presence
          b. Thin, grey men with fly-like eyes
          c. Shiny, silver, mechanical-looking creatures
          d. Two feet high, green, and shaped like plungers

Awsten stopped reading at that point and dropped his head into his hands. Goddamn it. He didn’t know fucking any of this. He wasn’t about to try to cheat, though; that would get him far more than detention, and he’d never forgive himself if he got Alex in trouble, too.

Awsten took several deep breaths and tried to tune out the sound of pencils scratching on paper. It was so quiet in the room that he could hear the clock ticking overhead. When he glanced up, Mr. W was staring right at him with a concerned expression on his face, so Awsten quickly looked back down and started re-reading the questions on the test.

Room 121
February 18, 4:39 PM

Geoff pursed his lips as he looked down at Awsten’s exam. He had saved it for last, which probably hadn’t been a good idea, because Geoff had a feeling that he’d be left with a sour taste in his mouth. If the boy’s unusually quiet, closed demeanor as he exited the classroom was any indication of how the exam went, this was not going to be good. Geoff hoped that his green pen wouldn’t run out of ink. (He never graded in red.)

Question one: wrong.

Two: wrong.

Three: wrong.

Geoff breezed through the pages, marking nearly every answer incorrect. He dreaded turning the packet over to the free response section. The rest of the class had done exceptionally well - six As and one B - but Geoff had a strong suspicion that Awsten hadn’t even cracked open the book.

The first open-ended question read, “The colors of the banners flying on the POW train and the colors of the tent set up for Billy's daughter's wedding are orange and black. What is the significance of these colors in the novel?”

Awsten had doodled a little jack-o-lantern, a lollipop, and a few pieces of candy corn in lieu of a response. Geoff drew a line through the art and, since the second one had been left entirely blank, moved on to the final question. 

“Briefly discuss the paradox of free will and predestination. In the novel, is anyone able to exercise free will, or are all things pre-determined? How do you think Kilgore Trout would answer this question?”

Awsten’s only response was a small, I’m sorry.

Geoff rubbed a hand over his forehead and turned in his chair so he could face the computer. He jiggled the mouse, bringing the monitor to life, and reluctantly composed an email to the school counselor.

Room 121
February 19, 8:03 AM

“HEY,” Awsten half-shouted, bursting into the classroom.

Mr. W looked up at him in surprise. Awsten briefly wondered whether it was due to the fact that he was relatively early or because he’d taken that tone so early in the morning. “Awsten?”

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

The class went dead silent, and every eye was trained on either Awsten or his teacher.

Mr. W slowly set down the book he’d been holding. He asked calmly, “Pardon me?”

Awsten crossed his arms tightly over his chest. “You know what you did. Why the hell-”

“Awsten, take a breath, please. You will not speak to me like that."

“I'll talk to you any way I want! You told Miss Harrison about my fucking test?!”

“I would be happy to discuss that with you after class, but this is inappropriate. If this conversation is going to continue, you need to choose your words more carefully-"

“No, I’m not waiting til after class! Why the fuck would you do that to me?”

Hesitantly, Alex spoke up. “Awsten...”

Awsten whipped his head toward him with a wild look in his eyes, and he felt a vague satisfaction at the shock on Alex's face. “He told Miss Harrison about my test,” Awsten spat, “and she sent me an email this morning and copied my parents on it. My parents, Alex.”

Alex swallowed, and Awsten could see understanding dawn on his face. Quietly, Alex began, “Do you want to go to the l-”

“No. I want this piece of shit to explain what the fuck he was thinking,” he snapped, cutting Alex off and whirling back around to face Mr. W.

There was a collective gasp from the class, and Mr. W said evenly, “Awsten. Detention.”

Awsten flung his hands into the air. “Are you fucking kidding me? Oh my god, now you give me detention?”

“That is two detentions. Would you like to continue?”

Awsten blew out a breath and turned on his heel, stalking back out and slamming the door.

The Hallway Outside Room 215
February 19, 8:58 AM

Geoff had been on the way to the office to report the incident with Awsten before one of the students - or, god forbid, one of their parents - could, but he paused outside of a classroom door when he overheard Alex mention Awsten’s name.

“What?”

“Yeah. And then he said all calm that he hopes none of us ever talk to our teachers like that, and then he went back to talking about the new book like nothing even happened.”

“And Awsten never came back?” 

Geoff recognized the voice as Otto Wood's. He figured that Alex must have shaken his head, because the next sentence was Otto's as well.

“Crap."

There was a beat, and then Alex wondered timidly, "Do you think he’s gonna be in band later?”

Otto sighed. “No, dude, I don’t think so. He always bails when something goes wrong."

"I texted him a couple times, and I even called and left a message, but he’s not answering.  You think he went to his spot?”

“Yeah. We're at school, so he doesn't have anywhere else to go right now.” 

The pair fell quiet for a moment, each lost in thought. Then Alex muttered, “I hope he’s okay.”

As bad as that morning had been, Geoff hoped so, too. Students never acted out the way Awsten had unless there was something bigger going on.  Geoff dragged himself to the front office, knowing that whatever had been bothering Awsten… well, he was about to make it worse.

The Lake
February 19, 9:06 AM

Awsten angrily fired a pebble into the water, finally looking up from his knees. He brushed off his calves, which were drawn up against his body as he sat in the grass, and stared at the ripples he'd created. Fucking Lakeview. He wished he hated the town as much as he was supposed to, but he didn’t. It had always been comforting, not too much of one thing or another.

This morning, on the other hand, had been too much of everything. How was Awsten ever supposed to go back to Lakeview High after that?

He’d rushed to school, cursed Mr. W out in front of the entire class, and sped all the way to the lake. Yeah. Even if they didn’t suspend him, he was never going back. Whatever the school would do to him was nothing compared to the punishment he'd receive from his parents if they found out what had happened. He should probably just run away. It wasn't like anybody would really care anyway except Alex and Otto, but they had other friends. There was no way Mr. W would ever want to lay eyes on him again.

Congratulations, Awsten. You got exactly what you wanted.

Desperate for a distraction, Awsten turned over his phone. The screen was a little wet from the grass, so he wiped it off on the bottom of his shirt before he scanned his notifications. A bunch of worried texts, missed calls, and voicemails from both Alex and Otto, and two missed calls from… Why did Awsten recognize that number?

“Two two one four…” he read aloud, and then he groaned. “Fuck!” That was the school. And if they were calling him… They’d definitely called his parents, too. 

Hopelessly, frustratedly, furiously, Awsten smashed a fist into the grass.

Room 121
February 19, 3:47 PM

Geoff’s desk phone rang. He looked down and saw Annie Harrison’s name stamped on the small display screen, but he had a circle of kids gathered in his room for Creative Writing Club, so he silenced it instead of answering. Not a single one of the students had looked up from their papers. Geoff couldn’t help but give the group a fond smile; he loved how lost they all got in their stories. 

The phone automatically sent the counselor's call to voicemail, and it soon began flashing with a message notification. Geoff turned the volume down to the lowest setting and lifted to the receiver to his ear. 

“Hey, Geoff, it’s Annie. I know you had given Awsten Knight a detention for today, and I’ve spoken with the front office; they explained what happened this morning. Awsten was marked absent from all of his classes today, and he didn’t show up for detention, either.” She sighed. “I’m not sure what’s going on with him, but, um. I just wanted to let you know. Feel free to call me back. Alright. Bye.”

Geoff set the phone back in its cradle and composed another email to her instead.

Hello, Annie.
Thank you for the update. I have students in my room, so I am unable to call back at the moment, but I would like to inform you that I overheard some of Awsten’s friends this morning. They mentioned that Awsten was not responding when they reached out, and they seemed concerned.
Is there something that I should do?
GW

The response came just moments later.

Hi Geoff,
Thanks for sharing that with me. Unless we have explicit knowledge that he’s in immediate danger, no, we’ll just have to wait until tomorrow and see what happens.
Annie Harrison, LPC

But the next day, Awsten was nowhere to be found. Geoff wanted to believe that the boy had just been trying to avoid his consequence, but Awsten had spent enough time carrying around detention slips to know that the system didn’t work like that. The punishment would still be waiting for him when he returned to school.

Alex grew visibly worried when Awsten didn’t come strutting into first period after five minutes. Or ten. Or thirty.

Geoff called him over to his desk at the end of class. “Alex, are you alright?”

He nodded distractedly.

“You look anxious,” Geoff told him softly.

Alex bit his lip and tugged on one of the straps of his backpack.

Geoff dropped his voice. “I couldn't help but notice that you stared at the classroom door for the majority of the period,” he gently admitted.

“Um, yeah. We… None of us heard from Awsten after he left yesterday.”

“All day?”

“Yeah. Not this morning, either.”

That didn’t sound good.

“Is he in, like, a lot of trouble?” Alex pressed. “For what he said to you? Cause he’s…” Alex trailed off, looking like he was trying to figure out how much to say. “He doesn’t like to get in trouble.”

Geoff raised his eyebrows. Awsten had detention nearly every day.

“Real trouble,” Alex clarified.

As though detention didn’t count as real trouble.

“You know, stuff they write home about. That’s - that’s why he was all crazy yesterday. I know he shouldn’t have said all that stuff to you, but I promise he’s really sorry. He’s just scared.”

“Scared? Of what?”

Alex faltered. “Um, I told you. He doesn’t like to get in trouble.”

Geoff nodded, watching Alex carefully. “Well, please let me know if you hear from him, yes?”

“Yeah. I will.”

“Alright.” Geoff watched Alex retreat, but it didn't feel right letting him go when he was so stressed and upset. “And Alex?”

The boy turned.

“If you need anything, or your friends need anything - someone to talk to, or perhaps a place to spend time - my door is always open.”

Alex fumbled with his fingers and looked down at the floor. “I…” He swallowed. “His parents are really awful.”

“Awsten’s parents?”

Alex nodded.

Geoff hadn't necessarily meant right that moment, but he was more than glad that Alex had decided to open up to him. “Come,” Geoff instructed, getting up and motioning to two desks in the front row. The pair sat side by side, and Alex let his backpack fall off of his shoulder and onto the ground.

“I know I haven't been in Lakeview too long, but - wait, won’t someone come in?”

Geoff shook his head. “No, this is my free period.”

“Oh, okay. Um, well yeah, just... His parents aren’t great.”

“Could you elaborate?” Geoff prompted kindly.

Alex shrugged. “They’re not nice. I don’t know. He can do whatever he wants whenever he wants because they don't care about him. They're never even at their house. That's why he doesn't care that he gets bad grades and he's in detention all the time and he's constantly in trouble or whatever, they’re just - they don't even talk to him. Unless they're yelling at him, I guess.”

Geoff nodded to show that he was listening.

“He’s dealing with stuff already, you know? I-” He huffed a quiet laugh. “I think a lot of my friends are. Me, too. And it sucks, but… but it doesn’t m… I don’t know.” Alex looked up at Geoff, his eyes pleading. “I mean, what do we do? I’m getting scared he did something.”

“What do you mean, ‘did something’?”

“Like, to himself,” Alex explained quietly. “It’s not like him to not answer his texts.”

“Shall we call Miss Harrison?” Geoff asked urgently, starting to stand up.

“N-no!” Alex quickly replied. “No, don’t.”

“You know him far better than I do. If you believe that there is even a chance-”

“There’s not,” he rushed out. “I’m overreacting. I’m-” He stood back up and shouldered his bag. “It’s fine. I’m sure he’s fine. He’s probably just… sleeping. It’s still really early. Um. I’m-”

“Alex, please wait.”

“No, I’ve got to get to stat. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“I am glad that you did,” Geoff responded honestly. “It helps me to understand. Here, allow me to write you a pass."

"No, that's okay."

"Alex," Geoff murmured, his tone firm but kind. "Just in the case that you need it, alright?”

The boy paused and then nodded.

“I do mean what I said,” Geoff told him as he retrieved a small notepad from the top drawer of his desk. “If you are in need of anything, I am available. And should you decide that you would like for me to call someone, all you need to do is tell me.”

Alex nodded again. “Thanks.” He gave Mr. W a tiny smile. “You’re the best.”

Awsten's Room
February 20, 10:23 AM   

Awsten woke up to sun streaming through the blinds, not surprised that neither his mother nor father had come flying into his room to tell him off for oversleeping. He reached for his phone; the numbers on the screen declared that it was past 10 AM. Although he had several more texts and missed calls, he set the phone back down without reading them.

He thought he would feel better. That’s what was supposed to happen, right? You go to sleep, and you wake up the next morning, and then your problems don’t seem so overwhelming. Plus, he even got the saving grace of his parents leaving for... whatever they were doing and not caring (or, more likely, not even noticing) that Awsten’s bike was still propped up by the front door. But he didn’t feel better.

Somehow, he felt worse.

Miss Harrison’s Office
February 21, 9:06 AM

On Friday, Awsten skipped first period to avoid Mr. W, but Miss Harrison removed him from his second class and brought him to her office as soon as she caught word of the fact that he'd signed in. 

“Awsten, I’m so glad to see you back at school,” she told him with a smile.

Awsten laughed. Yeah, right. “Did you miss me?” he teased.

“We did,” she responded seriously, but Awsten wasn’t about to fall for that counselor bullshit. She had to say that.

“I wanted to check in with you, see how everything has been going. Some of your teachers and friends have contacted me; they’ve been concerned about you and your well-being.”

Awsten grinned and smacked his bubble gum - bubble gum that he wasn’t allowed to be chewing. “I’m great.” He glanced around animatedly; despite being in trouble so often, Awsten had only spent a handful of minutes in the counselor’s office. Because he seemed so happy and carefree, he supposed.

“Awsten, this is a safe place. You can say whatever you need to here, and I can’t repeat it.”

She was looking at him like he was about to have some breakdown, like he was on the brink of erupting into a puddle of tears, like she'd start foaming at the mouth if she got the opportunity to pass him a box of tissues. Fucking hell. He wasn't about to give her that satisfaction.

Awsten shrugged. “Nothing to say.”

“Then let’s talk about what happened with Mr. Wigington.”

“What do you wanna know?” he asked, leaning forward like he was willing to tell her anything.

“Whatever you would like to share.”

“Nothing,” Awsten replied frankly.

“Well, why did you get so angry with him?”

Awsten shrugged. “Overreaction."

“Hmm,” Miss Harrison frowned. “And why haven’t you been at school?”

“I was puking my guts out,” he lied.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” she replied evenly. It was plain to see that she didn’t believe him.

“So, then, uh. I don’t wanna be rude, but… are we done here?”

Miss Harrison raised her eyebrows. “No, Awsten, we are not ‘done here.’ We still have some things to discuss.”

“Oh yeah?” he grinned. “Like what?” He made a big show of getting comfortable on the couch.

“Like the fact that swearing at teachers is unacceptable. And swearing at teachers in front of a room full of your classmates is even less acceptable.”

“Won’t happen again,” he replied brightly.

“And skipping school is not appropriate, either.”

“Yes, ma’am!”

“Awsten, stop smiling like that.”

“Like what? You don’t want me to smile?”

“I want you to take what I’m saying seriously. The administration is considering your punishment, and-”

“My punishment?” he echoed. “I already got detention twice.”

“Well, it’s likely you’ll be suspended.”

He laughed blandly. His dad was going to murder him. “Fuck. Just my luck, right?”

“Language, please,” she chastised sharply.

He widened his eyes in mock-innocence. “What about it?”

“Awsten, I’m not playing games with you.”

“Games? Who’s playing games? I just wanted to go back to class, that’s all. Don't wanna miss anything important!”

She sighed. “Awsten…”

“Annie,” he smirked.

Her eyes snapped to his. “Awsten, talk to me about your parents. What are they like?”

“Nah, I don’t wanna talk about them,” he responded, pulling his legs up onto the couch so he could lie on his side.

“Why not?”

“Well, why don’t you tell me about your parents,” he deadpanned. “What are they like?”  She pursed her lips in annoyance, and Awsten had to hold back a grin.

“I’m trying to help you.”

“Yeah, and maybe I’m trying to help you. Hey, do you do art?”

Skeptically, she replied, “I like to paint. Why?”

“Can you draw?”

“I suppose.”

He pulled one of his arms up over his head. “Would you draw me like one of your French girls?” he teased.

“Aaand you’re done,” she said tonelessly, standing up and ushering him toward the door. “When you decide you can be mature, come back. I’d love to get to know you better.”

He laughed. “That’ll never happen.”

Awsten - 1. Miss Harrison - 0.

Room 121
February 21, 3:29 PM

Geoff had a new email in his inbox from Annie Harrison with a subject line that read, “A.K. Update.” He quickly double-clicked on it and scanned the message.

Hi, everyone,
After my meeting with Awsten today, it has become glaringly clear that he should be moved to another senior English class. He refused to discuss (or even acknowledge) what happened on Wednesday and instead continued to act out.
I have attempted to get in touch with his parents multiple times in the last few days but have not gotten a response. I will have to contact DFCS if this continues.
Thanks,
Annie Harrison, LPC

Geoff winced. Refusing to discuss what happened? Changing classes? Reaching out to DFCS?!

Geoff was simultaneously relieved and disappointed. Yes, lessons would be easier with less distraction present, but he hoped that Awsten wouldn’t view the change as Geoff giving up on him. Geoff was worried that Awsten would assume that Geoff had asked for him to be removed. Truth be told, Geoff's frustration had dissipated, and he was left only with concern.

But little did he know, things with Awsten were about to get worse. Much, much worse.

Chapter Text

The Hallway Outside Room 121
February 24, 6:54 AM

Geoff carried a large mug of coffee in one hand and his keys and briefcase in the other as he strode into school. He didn't ever mind Mondays because he always looked forward to teaching, but he'd spent all weekend specifically looking forward to his class of seniors. Every year, this unit was his favorite to teach and, without fail, to grade.

He had also been wondering all weekend about Awsten and whether he was alright, but like Annie had written in her email, there was nothing the school could do. They’d just have to wait and see what would happen. Hopefully, the change to Mr. O'Callaghan's class would be to Awsten’s advantage. 

Just as that thought crossed his mind, his eyes drifted to a figure huddled by his classroom door. The hallway lights were still off, and it was too early for Geoff to want to turn them on, but he suddenly wished that he had. “Hello?” he called. He hoped that his slight nervousness wasn't audible in his voice.

The figure jumped slightly at the sound and slowly got to its feet. As Geoff grew closer, it remained hunched over with its arms wrapped around itself as though it were trying to hold itself together.

Geoff’s eyebrows rose as he was able to make out a shadowy face and a lock of purple hair. “Awsten?” Geoff asked in surprise. “What are you doing here so early?”

Awsten kept his head down and didn’t speak.

“Would you like to come in?”

Without looking up, he nodded.

“Alright. One moment, please.” Geoff juggled the coffee and the briefcase while he located the right key on his ring. After he opened the door, he flipped one classroom light on and tried not to watch as Awsten made a beeline for a desk in the front row.

That was a bit odd, actually; Awsten usually sat in the very back.

Geoff set his things down by his computer and glanced at Awsten again, who had now crossed his arms on the desk and buried his head in them. It occurred to Geoff as he looked at his student that not only had Awsten chosen a seat in the front, but he’d actually chosen the one closest to Geoff’s desk.

“Are you alright?” Geoff inquired cautiously.

No response.

“Very well, then. Please let me know if you would like to talk. I will listen.” Geoff draped his coat over the back of the rolling chair and then started to go through the papers in his briefcase. Several minutes of quiet passed, with just the sounds of the air conditioner and sometimes Geoff’s keyboard breaking the silence. Then Geoff slid his elbow across the desk and accidentally knocked a stapler onto the floor with a loud snap. The contraption flew open, and little metal staples scattered everywhere. Geoff smiled and looked up to apologize to Awsten for the sound, but he froze.

Awsten had looked up, too, to identify the source of the noise, and now that the pair was in the light and Awsten was no longer tilted away from him, Geoff could plainly see the massive, purple bruise that was blooming across Awsten’s skin. His eye was swollen more than halfway shut.

“Awsten,” Geoff breathed.

Awsten quickly looked away, but it was too late. Geoff had seen everything, and he was out of his chair and making his way over.

“Awsten, what on earth happened to you?”

“Don’t,” Awsten bit, holding up a hand to keep Geoff at bay.

Geoff put his hands up as well. “I will not touch you,” he murmured. “I’m - I’ve been extremely worried about you, and now-"

“Well, don’t waste your time,” Awsten spat. “I’m fine.”

“Awsten, you are not fine,” Geoff gently protested.

“I’m fine!” he half-yelled, and frustrated tears immediately flooded his eyes. He scowled and stubbornly swiped at them. “Just don’t tell Miss Harrison, okay?”

“Legally, I'm required t-”

“I know, I mean don’t tell her yet. Please. I just… I just wanna stay here.”

Awsten sounded like a child.

A child.

Suddenly, all the pieces Geoff had been trying to mash together clicked into place. Awsten’s incessant acting out, the lack of care about schoolwork, the disregard for respect, the dislike of authority, Alex noting that Awsten didn’t like to get into 'stuff they write home about,' the outburst after the email that was sent to his parents… This was why. It was quite literally written all over his face.

“Please,” Awsten whispered.

Geoff suddenly realized that he’d been staring without speaking. “Of course, Awsten. Of course you may stay.”

Awsten nodded, his face crumbling as he melted into tears. “Thank you,” he choked.

Geoff slipped into the chair beside his. “You are safe now,” Geoff told him quietly, but that only made him cry harder.

Geoff felt helpless, listening to his student sob without offering up any explanation other than the marks on his skin. But Awsten wasn’t shying away from him, and he had asked to stay in the room, which meant that just being near Geoff was a source of comfort for him. That was good, yes?

A few seconds passed, and Awsten slowly sat up and sniffled, tugging his hood down off of his head. He wiped at his eyes, careful of the terribly bruised right one, and said weakly to Geoff, “I’m really sorry for what I called you. I didn’t mean it.”

“I know you didn't,” Geoff assured him. “I was aware that something else was going on with you.”

“I’m really sorry, Mr. W,” Awsten repeated. “I know you didn’t want to see me today, but I just-”

“Why wouldn’t I want to see you?” Mr. W asked, his eyebrows creasing in concern. 

Awsten laughed emptily.

“You are very important to me.”

“Okay.”

“Awsten, look at me, please.”

Awsten reluctantly obeyed.

“All of my students are important to me, but you are one of the ones I think about the most.”

“Cause I’m so bad,” he muttered, looking away.

Geoff shook his head. “No, because you make it impossible not to. You have so much personality. There are many times you make me want to laugh, but I am the teacher, so I have to stop myself. You are very bright and full of love, Awsten. It’s impossible to miss that.” Geoff sighed. “You are not a bad person. Disruptive, perhaps,” Geoff admitted with a small smile, “but not bad. You’re a wonderful friend. I saw you that day you invited that freshman who was alone to sit with you.”

Awsten shifted, embarrassed. “That was nothing.”

“No, it wasn't. Emily is in creative writing club, and she wrote about that afternoon two weeks in a row. It was most certainly not nothing.”

Awsten looked up at Geoff. “Really?”

“Yes. You made a significant impact on her; you brightened her day. Her month, really.”

Awsten gazed down at the desk, suddenly gloomy again. “I don’t want to talk anymore,” he murmured.

Geoff studied at him for a moment and wondered what had triggered the shutdown. “Alright.” Geoff returned to his desk, where he glanced at the time. It was a few minutes past 7 AM, and he had an idea.

Awsten was back to being buried in his sweatshirt. The hood was up again, and he had retracted his hands into the sleeves.

Geoff opened the small book on his desk, skimmed through the beginning, knowing Awsten wouldn’t be interested, and settled on the third paragraph. He lightly cleared his throat and began to read.

“…from the direction of the state highway came the sound of footsteps on crisp sycamore leaves. The rabbits hurried noiselessly for cover. A stilted heron labored up into the air and pounded down river.”

Awsten sniffed and swiped at his nose, his head still down, but he was quiet.

For a moment the place was lifeless, and then two men emerged from the path and came into the opening by the green pool. They had walked in single file down the path, and even in the open one stayed behind the other. Both were dressed in denim trousers and in denim coats with brass buttons. Both wore black, shapeless hats and both carried tight blanket rolls slung over their shoulders. The first man was small and quick, dark of face, with restless eyes and sharp, strong features. Every part of him was defined: small, strong hands, slender arms, a thin and bony nose. Behind him walked his opposite, a huge man, shapeless of face, with large, pale eyes, and wide, sloping shoulders; and he walked heavily, dragging his feet a little, the way a bear drags his paws. His arms did not swing at his sides, but hung loosely.

Geoff glanced up to see his student, black eye and all, looking right at him curiously.

The first man stopped short in the clearing, Geoff continued, and the follower nearly ran over him. He took off his hat and wiped the sweat-band with his forefinger and snapped the moisture off. His huge companion dropped his blankets and flung himself down and drank from the surface of the green pool; drank with long gulps, snorting into the water like a horse. The small man stepped nervously beside him.

“Lennie!” he said sharply. “Lennie, for God's sakes don't drink so much.” Lennie continued to snort into the pool. The small man leaned over and shook him by the shoulder. “Lennie. You gonna be sick like you was last night.”

Lennie dipped his whole head under, hat and all, and then he sat up on the bank and his hat dripped down on his blue coat and ran down his back. “That's good,” he said. “You drink some, George. You take a good big drink.” He smiled happily.

George unslung his bindle and dropped it gently on the bank. “I ain't sure it's good water,” he said. “Looks kinda scummy.”

Lennie dabbled his big paw in the water and wiggled his fingers so the water arose in little splashes; rings widened across the pool to the other side and came back again. Lennie watched them go. “Look, George. Look what I done.”

As Awsten grew more interested in the strange pair of characters, Geoff shifted from his desk back to the seat next to the one Awsten was filling. Awsten peered over Geoff’s shoulder to follow along on the page.

Two adults started a conversation in the hall, and Geoff glanced at Awsten, almost expecting him to shrink back into himself, but Awsten nodded at the book and murmured, “Keep going." He quickly added, "Please.”

Geoff smiled. He’d been teaching for three years, but he swore even if he taught for thirty more, he’d never, ever, ever get tired of a student falling in love with a story.

Lennie looked timidly over to him. “George?”

“Yeah, what ya want?”

“Where we goin', George?”

The little man jerked down the brim of his hat and scowled over at Lennie. “So you forgot that awready, did you? I gotta tell you again, do I? Jesus Christ, you're a crazy bastard!”

“I forgot," Lennie said softly. "I tried not to forget. Honest to God I did, George."

"O.K.- O.K. I'll tell ya again. I ain't got nothing to do. Might jus' as well spen' all my time tellin' you things and then you forget 'em, and I tell you again."

"Tried and tried," said Lennie, "but it didn't do no good. I remember about the rabbits, George."

"The hell with the rabbits. That's all you ever can remember is them rabbits. O.K.! Now you listen and this time you got to remember so we don't get in no trouble. You remember settin' in that gutter on Howard Street and watchin' that blackboard?"

Lennie's face broke into a delighted smile. "Why sure, George. I remember that... but... what'd we do then? I remember some girls come by and you says... you says..."

"The hell with what I says. You remember about us goin' in to Murray and Ready's, and they give us work cards and bus tickets?"

"Oh, sure, George. I remember that now." His hands went quickly into his side coat pockets. He said gently, "George... I ain't got mine. I musta lost it." He looked down at the ground in despair.

"You never had none, you crazy bastard. I got both of 'em here. Think I'd let you carry your own work card?"

Lennie grinned with relief. "I... I thought I put it in my side pocket." His hand went into the pocket again.

George looked sharply at him. "What'd you take outa that pocket?"

"Ain't a thing in my pocket," Lennie said cleverly.

"I know there ain't. You got it in your hand. What you got in your hand- hidin' it?"

"I ain't got nothin', George. Honest."

"Come on, give it here."

Lennie held his closed hand away from George's direction. "It's on'y a mouse, George."

"A mouse? A live mouse?"

"Uh-uh. Jus' a dead mouse, George. I didn't kill it. Honest! I found it. I found it dead."

"Give it here!" said George.

"Aw, leave me have it, George."

"Give it here!"

Lennie's closed hand slowly obeyed.

George took the mouse and threw it across the pool to the other side, among the brush. "What you want of a dead mouse, anyways?"

"I could pet it with my thumb while we walked along," said Lennie.

"Well, you ain't petting no mice while you walk with me. You remember where we're goin' now?"

Lennie looked startled and then in embarrassment hid his face against his knees. "I forgot again."

"Jesus Christ," George said resignedly.

“Why is he so mean?” Awsten interrupted.

Geoff raised his eyebrows. “Pardon?”

“George,” Awsten explained. “Why’s he so mean?”

“I believe that he is frustrated,” Geoff responded carefully.

“But he’s trying.”

“Lennie is?”

“Yeah. He’s - he’s special, right?”

Geoff nodded.

“So George needs to shut the hell up,” Awsten humphed.

Geoff laughed softly. “I told you that you are a good friend.” God, the ending of this book was going to absolutely annihilate Awsten. And the English teacher in Geoff could hardly wait. “I wish that Lennie could have been with you instead of George.”

“Me, too.” A beat passed. “Um, can you…”

“Would you like me to keep reading?”

“Yeah.”

Geoff read and read. Every once in a while, he checked to see whether Awsten was still engaged, but he always was. Forty minutes later, the halls were loud and bustling, and a few more kids were hanging out in Geoff’s room. Awsten’s hood was still up to help conceal his bruise, but he hadn't protested the younger students gathering around to listen to Geoff read.

When the warning bell rang, all of them groaned sadly.

“I know. I apologize.” Geoff folded the top corner of the page down and, as everyone had started to grab their backpacks and depart, said to Awsten, “We are nearly to the place where we stopped in class on Friday. When class begins, I will do a brief review of what we covered last week, and then we will continue forward.”

Awsten nodded.

“Are you enjoying the novel?” Geoff asked.

“Yeah,” Awsten replied, seeming surprised at himself.

“You know, contrary to popular belief, most teachers do attempt to choose books that they believe their students will enjoy,” Geoff smiled.

Awsten, for the first time in days, cracked a small smile as well.

Room 121
February 24, 7:57 AM

Alex rushed into the classroom and grabbed an unsuspecting Awsten by the shoulder. “Hey.”

Awsten flinched and whipped away from him, trying to shield Alex from the view of his skin, but it was too late.

“Holy fuck,” Alex breathed.

“I’m fine,” Awsten quickly lied. “I’m fine - it was an accident, okay, I-”

“Fuck, Awsten,” Alex hissed worriedly. He grabbed him by the chin to get a better look. “Was it Mom or Dad?”

Awsten roughly smacked Alex’s hand away and glanced over at Mr. W, who was trying too hard to appear like he wasn’t listening, and then back at Alex. Or - what he could see of Alex from behind the swelling. He just shook his head.

“Okay,” Alex placated, and he leaned down, intending to give Awsten a hug. Before he could, though, Awsten shoved him away.

“Later.”

“Aws…” he said sadly. He reached forward again.

“I said don't touch me,” Awsten spat. “I’ll tell you and Otto about it at the same time. I don’t want to explain the whole thing twice.”

Alex nodded and tugged on one of the straps of his bag. “Okay, then. Um, are you gonna go sit where you usually do?”

Awsten shook his head. “I wanna stay up here.”

“Okay. Can I still sit with you, or do y-”

“Yeah, you can stay.”

Alex smiled, relieved. “Okay.”

“Good morning, everyone! Before you get too settled, please be sure to put your bags and cell phones at the front of the room,” Mr. W called.

Alex took his own backpack and Awsten's dead phone and set them against the wall. Soon, Mr. W was delving back into the book, and everything felt okay.

By the time class ended and Mr. W was wrapping up chapter three, each member of the class was hanging on his every word. The bell sounded to signal the end of first period, but Mr. W held up a finger and kept reading. No one moved a muscle. Four minutes later, he finished the end of the chapter and closed the book. “Alright, go. Quickly. I will send an email to your teachers.”

There was a flurry of motion and several cries of, “Bye, Mr. W!” as the kids dashed to retrieve their belongings and scatter.

“Goodbye. Have a good day.”

Awsten gave Mr. W a small smile on his way out. 

“Goodbye, Awsten.”

Alex grabbed his sweatshirt sleeve in the hall. “Dude. When are we gonna talk?”

“Lunch.”

Alex’s forehead creased. “But you probably won't be here at lunch.”

“What do you mean?”

“You think they’re just gonna let you hang out here with your...?" He trailed off, grimacing at Awsten's bruise. "No, dude. The fucking cops will be here soon.”

Awsten bit his lip. He'd been aware of that earlier, but the story had distracted him so much that he'd almost forgotten about his shiner. “Let’s go find Otto.”

Alex nodded, and they set off.

Miss Harrison's Office
February 24, 9:00 AM

Geoff walked quickly down to Annie’s office. “Annie?” he called through the door, knocking rapidly. “Annie, it’s Geoff Wigington.”

Annie opened the door a crack. “I’m with a student.”

Geoff mouthed, “Is it Awsten?”

Annie blinked.

Even though he knew she couldn’t answer that, he figured it was worth an attempt. “There is an emergency,” he whispered, so softly she wasn’t sure she could even hear him.

Annie smiled over her shoulder at her student and said brightly, “I’ll be right back, okay?” Then she slipped out the door. “What’s going on?” she murmured.

“He has a black eye."

“Awsten?” she asked, shocked.

“Yes. It is very large and very dark. He cannot fully open his eye because the swelling is so bad.”

“Oh my god,” she breathed.

“He was waiting outside my classroom door this morning when I unlocked it, and that was well before seven. I have no earthly idea what time he arrived on campus.”

Annie’s eyes were wide.

“He was very distraught. He apologized for what he said to me last week but refused to share anything else about what had happened to him or where he'd been. And when Alex Gaskarth came in, he asked Awsten, ‘Was it your mother or your father?’”

“Oh my god,” Annie repeated.

“I understand that I am required to be the one to call it in since I was the one who spoke with him," Geoff continued, "but I wanted you to be aware of the situation as well. I have never experienced anything like this before.”

She nodded, her brow furrowed. Then she looked up at Geoff. “Where is he now?”

“I am not sure. His next class, I assume.”

“Alright. I’ll make a call to his teacher and bring him down here. Thank you so much for telling me. Are you going to be in your classroom?”

“Yes.”

“This is your free period, correct?”

Geoff nodded.

“Okay. I’ll send whoever comes from CPS your way.”

“Thank you,” he nodded. He started to leave, but then he turned back around and pleaded, “Please do not let the office remove him from my class. He sought me out this morning, and I feel the need to be available to him. As far as I am aware, he is not reaching out to anyone else, and when he apologized for last week, it was genuine. I could tell that he truly meant it.”

“I’ll have to talk to some people, but I’ll see what I can do.”

Geoff nodded, slightly reassured. "Thank you," he told her.

He hoped that Awsten was alright.

Lakeview High School Baseball Field
February 24, 9:04 AM

“Okay,” Awsten began, blowing out a heavy breath.

The trio was huddled on the back bleachers at the baseball field, far away from where anyone could spot them. Awsten would have much rather had this talk at the lake, but he wasn't about to pull both Alex and Otto from campus and drag them into trouble with him.

Otto was still staring at Awsten like he was about to physically shatter into a million pieces, and it was taking everything Awsten had in him not to snap at him. The only thing allowing him to bite his tongue was the knowledge that had the roles been reversed, Awsten would have been looking at Otto exactly the same way.

“Um, my parents were in the city drinking all weekend. You knew that. But they got home Sunday night earlier than I was expecting. I guess Miss Harrison has been calling them or whatever…” He swiped at his nose. It was too fucking chilly out for this. “She left some voicemails for them. I don’t know what she said, but they were pissed. Came flying up into my room and…” Awsten motioned to his ruined eye.

“That’s it?” Alex asked skeptically.

“Uh, no, not really,” Awsten admitted. He absently kicked the peeling toe of his Converse into the metal bleacher in front of him a few times. “I left. It was like ten o’clock, but I just fucking ran. That’s why I don’t have anything today, like a bag or whatever. I happened to have put my phone in my pocket, and these are the clothes I had on last night.”

“Where did you go?” Otto demanded.

“The lake. When it got too cold, I came here,” Awsten answered. “School.”

“You’ve been here all night?!” Alex asked incredulously.

Awsten nodded.

“Awsten,” Otto said worriedly at the same time Alex murmured, “Holy shit.”

“It's fine.”

Alex snorted.

Awsten huffed a laugh. “Anyway. I slept under the tree outside the science lab. I woke up at six something, I guess; my phone died last night, so I don’t know exactly. Mr. Edward came and unlocked the building so he could clean, and I went in with him, and the clock in the hall said 6:20. And then I just waited for Mr. W until he came to school. I was in his room all morning. He, uh. He was reading to me. Catching me up on what you guys did on Friday, I guess,” he said to Alex. Just as he finished speaking, his stomach gurgled. He rushed to put a hand over it, as if to conceal the sound, but it was too late.

“Awsten,” Otto repeated, softer this time.

“It's fine,” Awsten muttered again.

“Don’t lie to us,” Otto said firmly. “What do you need?”

“Nothing.”

“Dude, seriously?”

“Nothing.”

“No,” came Otto’s clipped reply. He shook his head. “You’ve been my best friend since we were, like, five, and what, you expect me to just say okay to that? I don’t think so. I know you better than that. You know me better than that. Awsten, come on.”

Awsten didn’t speak. He looked up at Otto anyway, shrugging one shoulder sadly and trying to keep any tears from welling up of their own accord. “It was just a bad day,” he smiled, his voice wobbling a little.

“Shut up,” Otto ordered, holding an arm out, and Awsten obeyed.

He slid forward so he could bury his face in Otto’s shoulder. Awsten could feel Alex staring at him as Otto gripped him tightly, and he felt stupid for getting a little emotional, but it felt so good to have gentle hands on him that a decent chunk of the embarrassment was alleviated. Still, he couldn’t shake the fear.

“They’re gonna send me away,” Awsten said quietly. “What if they’re worse than my parents? At least they mostly don’t pay attention to me. And they only do shit like this when I deserve it.”

Otto’s grip tightened. “We’ll tell them you’re staying with me.”

Awsten would have laughed, but he needed the words so badly, even if they weren’t true. He sat up and faked a yawn before using the cuff of his sweatshirt sleeve to dab at his eyes.

“I'm pretty sure my mom still has her foster license from last time you stayed with us,” Otto added, thinking aloud. “It’s gonna be okay, Aws. My parents will take care of you. Don't worry.”

"They're mad at me."

"No, they aren't. You know they aren't."

Awsten closed his eyes. “I don’t want to go home, but I don’t want to go away,” he muttered down at his lap.

“Hey,” Alex said, “Otto's right; it’s gonna be okay, dude. You'll be fine. Everything's gonna work out.”

Awsten nodded. He hoped his friends were right.

Miss Harrison's Office
February 24, 10:08 AM

“…a missing persons report,” the social worker was saying, “but I’d really like to stall as long as possible-”

Awsten, flanked on either side by Otto and Alex, appeared in Miss Harrison’s doorway. “Sorry,” he said shortly.

There was a soft chorus of gasps at his appearance, and Miss Harrison quickly made her way toward Awsten. She set a hand on his shoulder. “Sweetheart, oh my word…”

“I’m fine,” he said quietly, shrugging out from underneath her. “Um, sorry I disappeared. I just… wanted to talk to my friends before, you know…” He nodded toward the social worker and the police officer.

“I completely understand,” Miss Harrison gushed. Awsten hated how fake and sickly sweet her voice sounded. “Why don’t you two gentlemen go back to your classes?" she asked Alex and Otto, grabbing a pad of sticky notes off of her desk and quickly scrawling two notes and handing one to each boy. "Here, these tell your teachers that you were with me, alright?”

Both boys looked to Awsten, who nodded. Otto reached down and gave Awsten’s wrist a gentle, encouraging squeeze before he and Alex departed.

“Awsten, this is Officer Barnes, and this is Miss-”

“Miss Teri, I know.” He looked up at the woman. “I remember you.”

“Hey, baby,” Miss Teri said, giving him her best attempt at a smile. “You okay?”

He nodded at the floor. He hated adults, and now he was surrounded by them. One, two, three… four. Mr. W was there, too. Fuck. 

“Awsten, I’m Officer Barnes,” the cop greeted, stepping forward and holding out a hand for Awsten to shake.

Since Awsten didn't recognize him from town, he scanned his uniform and realized that his badge said HPD. He'd come all the way from Houston for this. Awsten suddenly felt a lot smaller.

“I’m real sorry we gotta meet like this," the man continued. "Could you tell us what happened?”

Awsten shook his head. He’d already told Otto and Alex. There was no one else that needed to know.

“Awsten-”

He wrapped his arms around his abdomen and went to sit beside Mr. W on the couch. Miss Harrison seemed surprised. So did Mr. W.

Everyone was silent as they stared at him. The air conditioner kicked on, and a couple of loud people could be heard chatting outside the room. Awsten stayed silent. Everyone kept looking at him. Time was moving agonizingly slowly, and Awsten could tell that no one had any intention of speaking. So he gave in.

“I broke the rules,” he finally offered. He had to clear his throat before he continued. “I deserved it.”

“Awsten, no,” Mr. W countered softly, taken aback.

“I did,” Awsten shot back angrily. “I didn’t do what I was supposed to do, and I got punished. It won’t happen again.” He shrugged. “End of story.”

Miss Teri, the social worker, was scribbling furiously on her notepad.

Awsten ignored her and added,  “So you can kick me out now or whatever.”

“Who did this to you?” Miss Teri asked, putting his alarming comments on hold for a moment.

Awsten bit his lip. He didn’t want to be sent away, but what the hell - could it be that much worse somewhere else? And why should he protect his shitty parents? “My dad,” he confessed, “and my mom wanted him to.”

Mr. W was visibly shaken by this information. Awsten wondered what he thought could have happened. Who else would have beat the shit out of him?

“Otto says I can stay with him,” he muttered to Miss Teri.

She smiled softly. “I thought you might say that. You know I’ll need to check some things over bef-”

“Please let me go with him," he interrupted, looking up at her again. "Please. His mom is so nice.”

“I’ll see what I can do. Keep your fingers crossed, baby, okay? Before we do anything else, though, I’m going to need you to tell us in more detail what exactly happened.”

Awsten let his posture deflate. He leaned slightly against Mr. W's arm, which was still and sturdy and warm underneath him. For some reason, this gave Awsten the reassurance he needed. He swallowed, pressed pause on his emotions, and began to speak.

Lakeview High School
February 24, 10:37 AM

Geoff just barely kept it together through Awsten’s testimony. Once Awsten had finished recounting the events of the previous night, Geoff excused himself and disappeared into the faculty restroom. He locked the door behind himself and pressed his fingers over his mouth, trying to imagine how on earth someone could do that to a child. Any child. But to their own child… Geoff wasn’t a parent, but he was furious, shocked, confused, and, mostly, horrified.

He sent a text to John that read, “I cannot believe that there are such cruel people in the world.”

Is this about what happened to Grapes? You can’t repeat it right? came the reply.

Yes, Geoff responded. And no, I am not allowed to say anything.

Will he be ok, do you think? 

I do not know, but I certainly hope so.

I hope so, too.

Geoff exited the bathroom after taking another moment to calm down and headed back to the hall, where Awsten was walking away with the social worker and the police officer.

“Wait!” Geoff called, and all three of them turned around. “Where are you going?”

Awsten broke away from the adults and started quickly toward Geoff with panic in his eyes. “I don’t want to leave,” he pleaded.

“Where are you going?” Geoff repeated, his voice softer now that Awsten was closer.

“They’re making me go to the police station.” The purple-haired boy stopped in front of Geoff and looked straight at him, silently begging. He swallowed and whispered, "I hate the police station."

Geoff’s heart ached for Awsten, whose blue eye was slightly bloodshot and green eye was barely visible behind his black skin. The words tumbled out before Geoff realized what he was saying. “Would it help if I came with you?”

Awsten nodded.

Geoff nodded back. “Alright.”

“Can you get a book?”

“Of course I can," Geoff said with a small smile. 

“Can you get Of Mice and Men?”

The smile grew a bit. “I will retrieve it right this minute.”

Lakeview Police Station
February 24, 11:00 AM

The station was freezing. Geoff could feel the bones in his fingers every time he went to turn a page. Awsten occupied the hard, plastic chair next to his, and both of them had their backs pressed against the wall. The longer that they waited, and the more that Geoff read, the more Awsten drooped. He sunk slowly into Geoff’s side, following the words over his arm again.

While Geoff felt guilty leaving his classes with a substitute, he knew he would have felt worse leaving Awsten by himself. The boy was literally curled up from the anxiety; his knees were drawn up to his chin, his head was ducked down, and he was leaning into Geoff as though Geoff were an oak tree. Had Geoff not been here, Awsten would have been stuck waiting here alone with just the secretary fifteen feet away for company. 

Yes; Geoff had definitely made the right choice.

Lakeview Police Station
February 24, 11:12 AM

To put it simply, Mr. W’s murmurs enchanted Awsten. Awsten would have loved to have Otto by his side, but Mr. W was easily the next best thing. His voice was the biggest comfort in Awsten’s world at that moment. 

Awsten had been listening to Mr. W tell the sad tale for nearly twenty minutes when all of a sudden, the story stopped. Awsten’s eyes had been unfocused on the page, and he looked up to see why Mr. W had paused. He sat up a little to get a better reading of the expression on Mr. W’s face.

“Do you see it?” Mr. W asked.

Awsten blinked. “See what?”

Mr. W pointed down at the page, where a certain word was written. A word that Awsten had heard, living in Texas, but he’d never uttered.

“Oh. Uh-huh.”

“In class, we will discuss its importance in the novel, but I am not comfortable doing so here.”

Awsten nodded and readjusted, resting his head on Mr. W’s shoulder this time. He closed his eyes. “Will you keep going, please?” he asked, his voice small.

Mr. W didn’t reply, just picked right up at the sentence he’d previously halted at, skipping over the word and replacing it with 'man.'

Awsten had always heard that books were an escape, that they made some people forget where they were or what was going on in their lives. He'd been told that they could transport you to castles, to old trains, to ships on the ocean, to underground caves, to outer space. He’d always thought that was a load of bullshit for nerds, but he believed it now. He couldn’t believe he’d missed out on this. Suddenly, he envied all of the children who had grown up with their parents reading to them every night.

“Mr. Knight?”

Awsten startled, sitting up and opening his eyes.

Another police officer was standing with Miss Teri and a lady that Awsten didn’t recognize. He wondered if she was another social worker or maybe a lawyer.

“Awsten, come on back,” Miss Teri said kindly. “We need to get an official statement.”

He swallowed and nodded. He set his feet on the ground, stood up, and followed them. As he walked away, he glanced nervously back over his shoulder.

“I will wait right here,” Mr. W promised.

Awsten didn't bother trying to believe him.

Lakeview Police Station
February 24, 12:52 PM

It must have been an hour and forty minutes later when Geoff looked up from his phone as a woman strode in. She appeared calm and confident aside from the fact that her knuckles were white as they clutched her purse. Geoff had seen her around town but couldn't place her with a name, and although she had always been friendly when he encountered her, he wondered if this could be Awsten’s mother. Some people were different behind closed doors.

A pit grew in Geoff's stomach, but before he had time to decide what he should do, she knocked authoritatively on the door that Awsten had been taken through and subsequently disappeared through it. About five minutes later, she came back out with an exhausted Awsten tucked under her arm. As they walked toward the exit, she asked him, “Are you hungry?”

He shook his head.

“Do you want to go home?”

Nod.

“Okay, baby. Should I have Otto's dad fix up the guest room for you, or do you want to stay in the bunk beds like usual?”

“I wanna stay with Otto,” Awsten replied, his voice hardly above a mumble.

"That's what I figured, but I just thought I'd check." She leaned over a few inches to press a kiss into his hair, but Awsten appeared too numb to actually notice. 

They got to the glass doors, and they were about to cross into the parking lot when Awsten looked back over his shoulder. “Wait.” The woman - Otto Wood's mother, Geoff supposed - stopped, and Awsten turned back to the space where he and Geoff had been sitting. His eyes were wide with surprise. “You’re still here.”

Geoff nodded and took that as his cue to stand up and head over. “Yes, I am.”

Mrs. Wood looked tense as the man approached. Her fingers curled protectively over the tops of Awsten's shoulders. 

“It’s okay. This is Mr. W from school,” Awsten explained, his voice barely audible. “I asked him to come here with me.”

"Geoff Wigington," Geoff elaborated. He held out his right hand, which she shook.

“Oh, yes, of course," she said, nodding her head. "I'm Otto Wood's mom. I’m sorry, honey; I thought I recognized you from the school, but I just wasn’t sure…”

“No, I understand,” Geoff responded fervently. He kept mostly to himself, so he wasn't too surprised that she hadn't immediately known who he was. He admitted, “Quite honestly, I was wary when you walked in, as well.”

“He reads to me,” Awsten said suddenly, his eyes on his shoes.

Mrs. Wood glanced from Awsten to Geoff. “Well, isn’t that… nice.” The adults traded worried smiles at the delayed words and then both turned their focus back to Awsten. “Alright, honey,” Mrs. Wood continued, “let’s take you to the doctor like they asked, and then you can go home and lie down. Otto will be back from school before you know it.”

Awsten nodded. She rubbed the side of his arm, and they headed to the car. This time, Awsten didn’t look back.

Otto’s Room
February 24, 3:26 PM

The day was endless. Awsten let a doctor shine a light in his eyes and forced down two turkey sandwiches, and his sole reward was getting to change into some of Otto’s pajamas and crawl into the bottom bunk. He laid still with his eyes closed for over an hour, but he couldn’t fall asleep. His thoughts were racing far too quickly for him to relax. He didn’t know what the hell was going to happen to him.

It felt like forever before Otto’s car pulled in the driveway. “Where is he?” Awsten heard Otto ask loudly, and several seconds later, the door to Otto’s bedroom opened.

Awsten didn’t move, but he opened his eyes so Otto would see that he was awake.

“Hey,” Otto breathed as he crossed to the bed.

Awsten emotionlessly turned the corners of his lips up in acknowledgement.

Otto dropped his backpack, kicked his shoes off, and collapsed onto the mattress beside his best friend. “Did they make you talk?”

“Yeah,” Awsten whispered.

Otto nodded slowly. “You okay?”

Awsten started to respond, but no sound came out. He had to pause and clear his throat. “Yeah, fine,” he muttered, but Otto wasn’t convinced.

“Well… it’ll be better now. Mom says she’s not making you go to school tomorrow.”

Awsten turned on his side to get closer and laid his head against Otto's shoulder, and he relaxed a little when Otto pulled him into a hug.

“It’ll be better now,” Otto repeated.

Awsten closed his eyes, hoping that he was right.

The Lake
February 24, 6:21 PM

After an early dinner, Alex met up with Awsten and Otto, and they headed down to the lake. (When they left, Otto’s mom called, “Boys, don’t forget your jackets!” Otto responded with an “Okay!” and a bit of an eye roll, but Awsten didn’t take her words for granted. She wouldn’t have said that if she didn’t care. She wouldn’t have said that if she didn’t love them. Well, Otto, really. But still. At least she had love in her heart at all.)

“You know, my parents still call this your lake,” Otto mused as the three of them crunched through the cold grass. “‘Awsten’s Lake.’”

“Really?” Awsten asked, surprised and honestly a little amused.

“Uh-huh.” Otto looked at Alex and explained, “We used to come here when we were kids, and Awsten would pretend it was his.”

“I’m not pretending,” Awsten murmured, stepping on the end of Otto’s words. “No one comes out here but me.”

“The town’s literally called Lakeview,” Alex remarked in confusion.

“Have you ever been here before?” Awsten asked him pointedly.

“…Touché. But it’s, like, way smaller than I thought it would be.”

Awsten practically glared at him.

“Mom says it’s your sanctuary.”

Awsten shrugged one shoulder. “I guess. Yeah.”

“It’s kinda cool," Alex admitted. "I like it.”

They took a seat a few feet back from the water, Awsten between his two best friends. It was quiet for a few moments; no one wanted to be the first to speak. It felt wrong for Awsten to bring up what had happened, and it also felt wrong him to wait for his friends to ask about it. But he knew that was why they were all here.

“So… what happened after we left?” Alex finally asked.

Awsten took several seconds to look out at the water. He’d always liked it at sunrise best, but dusk wasn’t half bad, either.

“You don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to,” Otto told him quickly. “I know it’s not-”

“No, it’s okay,” Awsten murmured. “So, um, I had to tell them what happened. Everybody in the room. Did you guys see Mr. W was in there?”

“Yeah,” they replied in unison.

“Oh. Um, I didn’t. For a minute. All I could see was the cop. And Miss Teri.” He turned to Otto. “Do you remember Miss Teri?”

Otto shook his head.

“She was my social worker last time, too. But yeah, I had to tell them what happened, and then they took me down to the police station, and Mr. W came with me. They didn’t make him. He asked if I wanted him to come, and I said yeah. He brought Of Mice and Men, and he read it to me while we waited. And then I was in the office for like two fucking hours, and they made me tell them everything again, into a tape recorder that time, and then I had to write out a statement, and then I had to do some interview with Miss Teri and a lawyer lady. They videoed that, and I guess they’ll use it in court so I don’t have to go talk.”

“They’re taking it to court?” Alex asked.

“Well, yeah,” Awsten responded, as though it should have been obvious. “My parents... Even if you take out the fact that they’re my parents, they still assaulted me.”

Alex nodded.

“But since they are my parents and this is the second time, they’re probably gonna take me away, so.”

Otto put a hand on Awsten’s shoulder and squeezed it. “You can stay with us as long as you want.”

Awsten had been dreading this part of the conversation. He knew at some point that Otto, who had only kindness in his soul, would offer that up. The problem was that it wasn’t the truth anymore. “I wish…” Awsten started softly, but he stopped. There wasn’t room for wishing now. Things had changed. “That’s not the case this time,” he stated, repeating the exact words the lawyer had said to him.

“What?”

“They’re trying to put me somewhere more, um. Permanent. They’re looking for a spot in a group home.”

Otto’s eyes widened.

“Technically just til I turn eighteen, but-”

“But you still need a home after that, Awsten. They can’t just kick you out on the streets with no one.”

“I know, but legally, I'll be an adult. My birthday is so far away, though...” He swallowed and let his eyes meet Otto’s for the first time since dinner. “I don’t know what the hell is gonna happen to me.” He turned to look at Alex, too. “I might not see you guys for fucking months.”

“Don’t say that,” Otto said firmly.

“But it’s true,” Alex softly added. “There’s not a group home in Lakeview, is there?”

Awsten shook his head. “Nope.”

“Well, does my mom know?” Otto inquired.

Awsten nodded.

“Then I’m sure she’s trying to figure it out.”

“She asked them a bunch of questions when she was with them. They couldn’t give her whatever answer she was looking for. I don’t know.”

“With the lawyer?”

“Yeah.”

“When was that?”

“This afternoon. She came and got me from the police station.”

“Oh. But if she knew they were gonna make you leave… why didn’t she tell me?”

“I don’t know. Maybe she thought I already had.”

“She told me your phone was dead.”

Awsten sighed. “I don’t know, Otto. You’ll have to ask her. I was pretty out of it, honestly.”

“Yeah, no, I know. I’m sorry.”

Quiet fell again. Awsten usually liked how eerily silent the lake was at night in the wintertime, but he wasn’t fond of it right then. He would have killed for the spring birdsong or the summer cicada shrieks to cover up the tension between the three boys. No one knew what to say.

“I’m done,” Awsten declared abruptly, not waiting for his friends before he started walking back up the hill.

He stayed several steps ahead of Otto and Alex the entire way back to Otto’s house. If they were whispering about him, he didn’t hear, and he didn’t care. He tugged the borrowed coat down over his fingers and pulled both cuffs into his hands so he had something to dig his nails into that wasn’t his own skin. He’d never intentionally hurt himself before, but it was proving a challenge not to right then. He wanted to feel something on the outside to quiet the fear assaulting him on the inside. He picked up his pace.

Otto’s House
February 24, 6:40 PM

The only place Awsten could be alone at Otto's was the shower. Not that he was complaining; it had been nice to have company and distractions and people assuring him that things would be okay and making sure he got enough to eat and that he was warm enough and that he wasn’t too upset, but it was too much. Too much.

He was used to being alone when he wasn’t at school. It had been a little overwhelming, not having a moment purely to himself since first thing in the morning. Even when he’d been in the bunk bed waiting for school to end and Otto to come home, Mrs. Wood kept peeking in. Which was fine - more than fine, really; she was trying to help. But Awsten just needed a break.

He stood under the steam, letting the hot water run over his face and cascade down his body. He’d already decided to take his time, but he washed his hair first, because the longer he went without doing it, the harder it would be to talk himself into.

The shampoo was heavy in his hands, significantly thicker than the cheap, store-brand stuff his parents kept in the shower. He squeezed a tiny bit into his palm and sniffed it before he reached up to work it through his purple hair. It smelled like some sort of clean, minty herb. Awsten was used to his hair smelling like too-sweet, fruit-flavored soap, so this was definitely a step up. He had to remember not to get used to it, though.

He rinsed all the shampoo out and lathered a little bit of body wash over his skin before letting himself lean against the tile and shut his eyes, just relaxing under the spray. He could feel his heart beating in his ears. His chest was tight, like he’d been running. He couldn’t help but grind his back teeth together.

Goddamn.

Steam began fogging up the room, and Awsten turned the water temperature down a little even though it wasn’t too hot. He didn’t want to get in trouble. Even though he tried to remind himself that Otto’s parents were good, kind people, it was hard for Awsten to dial back the thoughts about ways he could wind up getting hit again.

And what if his parents figured out about the whole thing with CPS and the lawyers and the cops? What if they came after him? What if they hurt Otto or his family? Awsten would never, ever forgive himself. And what if-

He flinched at the sound of a curt knock.

“Aws?” Otto called through the door. “You okay?”

“Uh, y-yeah,” Awsten stuttered. How long had he been in here? He’d been so lost in his head that it could have been five minutes or thirty.

“Okay. Take your time. I just wanted to make sure.”

Awsten waited a few seconds after Otto had walked away to shut the water off. He toweled off as quickly as he could and pulled on the new pajamas Otto had tossed to him. Then he ran his fingers through his hair, hung the towel up to dry, and retreated back to the main part of Otto’s room.

Otto looked pretty surprised to see him. “Dude, I didn’t mean that you had to get out. I just didn’t know if something was going on, or… I don’t know.”

“No, I get it,” Awsten replied, trying to smile.

Otto nodded and looked his friend over. “Alright. You wanna play The Last of Us again? I was thinking about starting it over.”

Awsten averted his gaze. “I kinda just wanna sleep if that’s okay.”

“It’s not even seven forty-five,” Otto told him, his eyebrows raised.

Awsten shrugged.

“Yeah, man, go ahead.”

“I can go in the guest room if you wa-”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Otto snorted. “I wouldn’t wanna miss you talking in your sleep about Kid Rock.”

Awsten did crack a small smile at that, and he felt a sudden rush of emotion coupled with the intense urge to say something. He looked down at his lap. “Love you,” he mumbled.

The next thing he knew, Otto was pouncing on him like a lion cub and wrapping his arms around him from behind.  “I love you, too.”

Awsten let himself sag into Otto’s grasp. He brought a hand up to hold onto Otto’s wrist, and he closed his eyes as Otto rested his chin on Awsten’s shoulder. The embrace only lasted a few seconds, and then Otto was sitting back up. “Light off or on?”

“Off,” Awsten replied, crawling to the head of the bed and slipping underneath the covers.

“Fan on?” he asked knowingly.

“Yeah.”

Otto fixed things how Awsten wanted and then laid down on the bed beside him.

“What are you doing?” Awsten asked, exhaustion seeping into his voice. “It’s too early for you to sleep.”

“I’m worried about you,” Otto replied quietly.

"Don't be."

"Well, I am."

“Okay…?”

“So I’m gonna stay til you fall asleep.”

Awsten snorted. “Dude. I'm not a little kid. You don’t have t-”

“Well, too fucking bad. I’m going to.” Otto sighed, staring up at the underside of the top bunk. “You’re my brother, Awsten. You always have been. I’m not just gonna walk away and leave you, especially not now.”

Awsten quickly turned on his other side so Otto wouldn’t see his lips twist as he tried to keep the tears inside. God, he was being such a bitch today. Crying again? Seriously?

But then Awsten felt Otto’s hand on his back, slowly moving up and down, and he couldn’t help it. A soft sob tore its way out, but Otto didn’t speak, didn’t shush him. He just stayed by Awsten’s side and kept rubbing his back.

The crying barely lasted fifteen seconds; Awsten was far too tired. Tired of crying, tired of feeling, tired of living. The dreamless sleep was a mercy.

Chapter Text

Room 121
February 26, 7:56 AM

Geoff was finishing up a recommendation letter when Alex walked into his classroom. Awsten trailed behind him with a glum expression on his face.

“Alex, Awsten,” Geoff greeted. “Good morning.”

“Morning,” Alex replied.

“Awsten, we missed you yesterday.”

Awsten didn’t respond.

Alex started back for his normal seat, but Awsten tugged on his sleeve and led him back to where they’d sat on Monday, up front near Geoff’s desk.

The skin around Awsten’s eye had turned a nasty shade of plum, but the swelling had gone down significantly since Geoff had last seen him. Awsten had a backpack now, too, and an actual jacket - not just a thin sweatshirt. Geoff was relieved to see that. But the look on his face… Geoff wished he could say something. It just didn’t feel right; the last thing he wanted was to overstep and upset his student further.

Geoff watched as Awsten dumped his things onto his new chair, but he averted his eyes when he felt Awsten coming over to his desk.

“Um… can I talk to you for a second?” Awsten asked quietly.

Geoff turned his chair to face him. “Of course. What is on your mind?”

“I, um. I have to leave Lakeview.”

Geoff’s eyebrows rose. “Oh? Why?”

“They’re putting me in a group home.”

“I thought you were allowed to stay with Otto Wood.”

“Yeah, but that comes with a list of ‘conditions,’ and I’ll never be able to do all of them.”

Geoff’s brows knitted together. “What sort of conditions?”

“Therapy. And school stuff,” Awsten sighed. He waved Geoff off. “It’s impossible, so.”

“What sort of 'school stuff'?” Geoff pressed.

“Like... I mean, I have the page if you wanna see.”

Geoff nodded.

“Okay, hang on.” Awsten went back to his bag and dug around in it for a few seconds before producing a balled up sheet of paper and tossing it to Geoff.

Geoff caught it and smoothed it out on his desk. He skimmed over the paragraphs and skipped to the bullet points.

The student shall:

• Attend at least one therapy session per week
• Maintain a grade point average of 2.0 or above
• Not be marked absent without approved explanation (illness, death in the family, etc.)
• Display acceptable conduct at all times
• Test negatively for drugs, alcohol, and other such substances 
• Participate regularly in at least one school club, sport, or activity

He looked back up at Awsten. “This is most certainly not impossible!”

Awsten scoffed.

“Sincerely. You are capable of this, Awsten.”

Awsten started counting his protests on his fingers. “I don’t want to talk to some stupid shrink about my problems. My grades suck. It’s in my DNA to get in trouble. I don’t do drugs or anything, but I’m not athletic, and I can’t join a freaking club. It’s the middle of the year.”

“The time of year doesn’t matter. There are thirty clubs at this school! Find one that interests you, and attend a meeting. That’s all there is to it. You might even enjoy yourself. Every teacher has a club, and some of them have more than one. There’s chess club, and jazz band, and art club. Language clubs, film club, FCA-”

Awsten made a face and then asked, “Do you have one?”

“Yes.”

“Which?”

Geoff smiled. “I run the creative writing club.”

“Oh.” Awsten asked awkwardly, “Would you let me be in that one?”

Geoff practically beamed. “We would be more than happy to have you.”

Awsten looked back down at his feet.

“We meet on Wednesdays - that’s today - at 3:30. Does that work for you?”

“Uh-huh.”

Geoff reached for his green pen and crossed the last item off of the list. “There. That one is taken care of already. And you said that you don’t drink alcohol or use drugs?”

Awsten shook his head.

Geoff drew a line through the one above it as well. “Now aside from the therapy sessions-”

“They’re already setting that up for me.”

“Excellent.” He marked ‘Attend at least one therapy session per week’ off of the list as well. “All that is required of you then is that you come to school, pay attention in your classes, and complete your homework. Awsten, you are most definitely capable of this.” Geoff jotted down the information about creative writing club and was surprised at the expression Awsten had on his face when he looked back up. Geoff couldn’t quite name it, but it pulled on his heart.

“Do you really think so?” Awsten asked hesitantly. For the first time, Geoff could see a fleck of hope in his eyes.

“Absolutely,” Geoff encouraged. “If you need any assistance, I will be here. Well - excluding help with math. They began teaching the new methods as soon as I graduated, and I never truly understood them,” he confessed with a small smile. “However, I am confident that you will be successful. You are going to do a wonderful job.” He held the rumpled list back out to Awsten, who took it and shoved it deep in his jacket pocket. “Now, you are caught up on the reading since we read on Monday after we left. Today, we will finish the last chapters, and then we will have completed the novel.”

“Already?” 

Geoff nodded. “I am afraid so. But since we are wrapping up, you will have some assignments and a test that I expect you will do well on. Those will get entered into your average, and…” Geoff motioned to Awsten’s pocket, where the list was nestled.

Awsten grimaced.

“No,” Geoff said softly. “Awsten, please look at me.”

The boy obliged.

“You will do a fine job. So long as you know the story and you’ve been listening in the discussions, my tests are simple and straightforward. I promise.”

Awsten tried to smile.

“Everything is going to be alright,” Geoff promised. “Alex seems to be missing you, though.” He watched as Awsten turned around to find his friend staring at him, looking bored out of his mind.

“Three thirty?” Awsten checked.

“For writing club? Yes. Bring a notebook and a pencil, please, and you will be all set.”

Room 121
February 26, 8:40 AM

The class gasped sharply.

Geoff looked out at them, fully aware of the power he held over them as he read from the pages. He directed his gaze back down to the book, but only long enough to capture the next sentence in his mind and repeat it to the class. From this point of the story on, Geoff was only interested in the reactions of his students.

For a moment he seemed bewildered. And then he whispered in fright, "I done a bad thing. I done another bad thing."

Geoff scanned the room. Maddie was holding tightly to the hand of the girl beside her, Chloe. They both looked shocked. Zack was staring at Geoff, leaning so far forward that he was practically lying across his desk. Alex and a girl named Taylor were holding their breath. Awsten had both of his hands cupped over his mouth and nose. Michael, who was now Geoff’s least-interested student, was staring at the carpet with his eyebrows completely arched. Even Cassadee had her hands wrapped around the sides of her desk, and she was looking at Geoff in desperation.

Geoff wrapped up the chapter and then paused, setting the book down on his knee. There was a collective cry of, “No!” from the class, and Geoff couldn’t help but chuckle. “There are four pages remaining,” he told them.

“Read them!” Alex begged.

“Please!” Chloe added. “We have enough time!”

“I am aware. I just wanted to take a moment to ask if anyone had any questions or comments that they would like to share.”

“No, just keep going,” Awsten pleaded.

“We have to know what happens!” Taylor cried.

Geoff smiled. “Alright,” he said fondly.

“Yes!” Alex whispered.

The class was an average for Lakeview High - just eight students. It was an on-level section, one that the other teachers - Mr. O’Callaghan in particular - hadn’t had much faith in. But seeing them like this, all wrapped up in a book and in panic mode when Geoff paused, made Geoff realize all over again that they weren’t just numbers. His class wasn’t made up of GPAs or test scores or attendance statistics. They were teenagers. Bright, curious, kind teenagers. And they loved this book.

Lennie came quietly to the pool's edge. He knelt down and drank, barely touching his lips to the water. When a little bird skittered over the dry leaves behind him, his head jerked up and he strained toward the sound with eyes and ears until he saw the bird, and then he dropped his head and drank again.

When he was finished, he sat down on the bank, with his side to the pool, so that he could watch the trail's entrance. He embraced his knees and laid his chin down on his knees. The light climbed on out of the valley, and as it went, the tops of the mountains seemed to blaze with increasing brightness.

Lennie said softly, "I di'n't forget, you bet, God damn. Hide in the brush an' wait for George." He pulled his hat down low over his eyes. "George gonna give me hell," he said. "George gonna wish he was alone an' not have me botherin' him." He turned his head and looked at the bright mountain tops. "I can go right off there an' find a cave," he said. And he continued sadly, "-an' never have no ketchup - but I won't care. If George don't want me... I'll go away. I'll go away."

Geoff read and read, and the students relaxed a little. But then he got to the kicker.

Lennie got up on his knees. "You ain't gonna leave me, are ya, George? I know you ain't."

George came stiffly near and sat down beside him. "No."

"I knowed it," Lennie cried. "You ain't that kind."

George was silent.

Lennie said, "George."

"Yeah?"

"I done another bad thing."

"It don't make no difference," George said, and he fell silent again.

Only the topmost ridges were in the sun now. The shadow in the valley was blue and soft. From the distance came the sound of men shouting to one another. George turned his head and listened to the shouts.

Lennie said, "George."

"Yeah?"

"Ain't you gonna give me hell?"

"Give ya hell?"

"Sure, like you always done before. Like, 'If I di'n't have you I'd take my fifty bucks-'"

"Jesus Christ, Lennie! You can't remember nothing that happens, but you remember ever' word I say."

"Well, ain't you gonna say it?"

George shook himself. He said woodenly, "If I was alone I could live so easy." His voice was monotonous, had no emphasis. "I could get a job an' not have no mess." He stopped.

"Go on," said Lennie. "An' when the enda the month come-"

"An' when the end of the month came I could take my fifty bucks an' go to a... cat house..." He stopped again.

Lennie looked eagerly at him. "Go on, George. Ain't you gonna give me no more hell?"

"No," said George.

"Well, I can go away," said Lennie. "I'll go right off in the hills an' find a cave if you don' want me."

George shook himself again. "No," he said. "I want you to stay with me here."

Lennie said craftily- "Tell me like you done before."

"Tell you what?"

"'Bout the other guys an' about us."

George said, "Guys like us got no fambly. They make a little stake an' then they blow it in. They ain't got nobody in the worl' that gives a hoot in hell about 'em-"

"But not us," Lennie cried happily. "Tell about us now."

George was quiet for a moment. "But not us," he said.

"Because--"

"Because I got you an'-"

“An' I got you. We got each other, that's what, that gives a hoot in hell about us," Lennie cried in triumph.

The little evening breeze blew over the clearing and the leaves rustled and the wind waves flowed up the green pool. And the shouts of men sounded again, this time much closer than before.

Geoff slowed his words down, trying to warn his students that something was coming.

George took off his hat. He said shakily, "Take off your hat, Lennie. The air feels fine."

Lennie removed his hat dutifully and laid it on the ground in front of him. The shadow in the valley was bluer, and the evening came fast. On the wind the sound of crashing in the brush came to them.

Lennie said, "Tell how it's gonna be."

George had been listening to the distant sounds. For a moment he was businesslike. "Look acrost the river, Lennie, an' I'll tell you so you can almost see it."

Lennie turned his head and looked off across the pool and up the darkening slopes of the Gabilans.

"We gonna get a little place," George began. He reached in his side pocket and brought out the pistol; he snapped off the safety-

“NO!”

Geoff wasn’t entirely sure which of them had yelled, but there had been at least three separate shouts. He didn’t stop reading.

-and the hand and gun lay on the ground behind Lennie's back. He looked at the back of Lennie's head, at the place where the spine and skull were joined. A man's voice called from up the river, and another man answered.

"Go on," said Lennie.

George raised the gun and his hand shook, and he dropped his hand to the ground again.

"Go on," said Lennie. "How's it gonna be. We gonna get a little place."

“We'll have a cow," said George. "An' we'll have maybe a pig an' chickens... an' down the flat we'll have a... little piece alfalfa-"

"For the rabbits," Lennie shouted.

"For the rabbits," George repeated.

"And I get to tend the rabbits."

"An' you get to tend the rabbits."

Lennie giggled with happiness. "An' live on the fatta the lan'."

"Yes."

Chloe began to cry.

Lennie turned his head.

"No, Lennie. Look down there acrost the river, like you can almost see the place."

Lennie obeyed him.

George looked down at the gun. There were crashing footsteps in the brush now. George turned and looked toward them.

"Go on, George. When we gonna do it?"

"Gonna do it soon."

"Me an' you."

"You... an' me. Ever'body gonna be nice to you. Ain't gonna be no more trouble. Nobody gonna hurt nobody nor steal from 'em."

Lennie said, "I thought you was mad at me, George."

"No," said George. "No, Lennie. I ain't mad. I never been mad, an' I ain't now. That's a thing I want ya to know."

Awsten and Alex, who Geoff could see when he glanced up, both looked positively heartbroken.

"He won't do it," Awsten whispered, but he didn't sound certain.

The voices came close now. George raised the gun and listened to the voices.

Lennie begged, "Le's do it now. Le's get that place now."

"Sure, right now. I gotta. We gotta."

And George raised the gun and steadied it, and he brought the muzzle of it close to the back of Lennie's head. The hand shook violently, but his face set and his hand steadied. He pulled the trigger. The crash of the shot rolled up the hills and rolled down again.

Geoff looked up. Several of the mouths of his students were hanging open. Awsten had a deep frown on his face. Alex had grabbed onto Awsten’s shoulder and was digging his nails in. Taylor had her fingers pressed over her lips as she softly sobbed. 

Somberly, Geoff finished the last page and a half, and then he closed the book and set it back down on his knee. He stared at the class, who still looked shocked and devastated. There were several seconds of complete silence. And then-

“Lennie didn’t mean to!” Awsten burst out angrily. “It was an accident!”

“But what else were they gonna do?” Chloe asked tearfully.

“Yeah, they were gonna make him go to jail,” Cassadee added, “and it would have been worse for him there.”

Zack chimed in. “No, dude, Awsten’s right; that was messed. up.”

“I don’t know what to think,” Alex admitted. He looked at the other kids. "I mean, what would you have done?"

Maddie cried, "I wouldn't have killed anybody!" 

"I would have," Michael muttered. "If something like that was coming to him, yeah. I would have."

"You couldn't," Taylor said softly.

Michael shrugged one shoulder. "I guess you never know til you try, right?"

"That's messed up, dude," Zack said again.

Geoff sat back in his chair and let the students talk it out. Each year, their reaction was fairly consistent; some of them were frustrated, some of them were heartbroken, and still others thought George had made the right choice. But regardless of their opinion, in the end, most of them picked a side. To them, either George had done the right thing, or he hadn’t, but as an adult, Geoff saw things differently. In his mind, it wasn’t so black and white.

“Now, for homework,” Geoff murmured after a few minutes of listening to them debate back and forth, “I would like you to write down your thoughts on the book. You may write about whatever you would like; it does not need to be the ending. But I would prefer that you start now. We have two more minutes. Please get out some paper.”

The students all did, even Awsten, who usually had to convince someone else to give him a pencil and something to write on. Not one of them asked if there was a length requirement. It seemed like - for once - every single one of them had a lot to say.

Room 121
February 26, 3:28 PM

No matter what he did, Awsten could not get Of Mice and Men out of his mind. He sat between Otto and Alex at lunch, and although they were having a conversation over him - through him, really - he stared blankly down at the table with his eyes unfocused. By the end of the day, he’d thrown away the paper he’d started out on and instead elected to try a different approach.

He stuffed the first two pieces of notebook paper into Otto’s hand-me-down backpack, and when three thirty rolled around, he figured he’d better ask if his idea was okay. But when he walked into Room 121, Mr. W and the other kids instantly had him completely distracted. Pandora was playing from the crackly desk speakers, and two of the juniors were dancing and singing enthusiastically along with it, doing some sort of terrible performance for Mr. W.

“I said hey! What’s going on?!” they sang, and Mr. W politely clapped for them.

“That was very nice,” he smiled. “You two could have a show.”

“We’re gonna be famous,” one of them gushed sarcastically.

Mr. W shook his head in amusement. “Well, please do not forget about me. I would like tickets.”

“Front row,” the other one affirmed.

That pulled a chuckle out of Mr. W.

The atmosphere of creative writing club seemed less like the awkward, silent, boring library Awsten had been expecting and more like a hangout session. He shifted awkwardly in the archway, not wanting to walk into a room of people he wasn't friends with when he felt so out of his element, but he was half-shoved in by a girl who bumped into him with her shoulder as she rushed through the door. He stumbled as she swiped her red bangs back from her face. “Hey, everybody!”

“Hello, Hayley. Hello, Awsten. Do come in.” Mr. W glanced at the clock on his computer and then turned his attention to the twelve or thirteen kids who were already seated and chatting. “Alright, it is nearly time. Could all of you help me to set up?”

Everyone got to their feet and started pushing desks around. Awsten drifted over to Mr. W, hoping for some sort of direction.

Mr. W gave him a soft smile. “You may select a desk,” he said, nodding toward the slightly chaotic room.

“Okay. Um, first, I had a question.”

“Yes?”

“Well, for that thing you assigned... about the book. Is it okay if I write it to you?” At Mr. W’s obvious confusion, Awsten elaborated. “Like, instead of an essay or whatever, can I do it more like a letter?”

Mr. W’s eyes brightened. “I would love that. No one has taken that approach before. It sounds like a wonderful idea.”

Awsten shyly ducked his head and headed toward the circle of desks. He scanned the space for a moment, trying to figure out where to sit and whether he recognized anyone. These were the nerds - the kids that got inducted into the English honor society and recognized at assemblies for their ACT scores. Awsten was more the class clown type whom everyone knew but no one was actually friends with. He suddenly wished that he hadn't come at all. This wasn't the right place for him; he'd have to find another club somewhere, even if that meant spending time with a teacher other than Mr. W. But then he caught sight of a smile.

A girl who looked a lot younger than Awsten was staring at him and wearing an expression that made it seem like she was genuinely happy to see him. She gave him a little wave, and his mouth broke into a grin. Hey, he mouthed.

She waved again.

“Can I sit by you?” he asked quietly across the space.

She nodded happily.

He found a desk close by and wiggled it into the space the girl had made for him. “Hey,” he repeated as he sat down, and he dropped his backpack clumsily onto the ground next to his chair. “Emily, right?”

She beamed. “Yeah. And you’re Awsten Knight.”

He chuckled at her use of his full name. “That’s me.”

“Is your eye okay?”

“What, this?” he asked, playing serious as he motioned to the bruise. “Didn’t you hear?”

Her eyebrows creased. “No, what?”

“Oh my god. I jumped out of a plane the other day, and my parachute broke. I'm a walking miracle, though; this was my only injury. I should be six feet under right now.”

She laughed. “You’re crazy.”

“That’s what they tell me.”

“Alright,” Mr. W repeated, going to stand by the white board. “Welcome back to creative writing club. I am very happy to see all of you here again. I know that each of you has been busy, especially with the musical coming up, so thank you for taking the time to be here. We have a new member with us today; I am sure that you all know Awsten. He is in my senior English class this year.”

“Hey,” Awsten said, smiling broadly.

To Awsten, Mr. W explained, “I will put some prompts on the board. You are free to use them, adjust them, or entirely ignore them - whatever you prefer. And write. You will be given approximately forty minutes, and for the last fifteen, we will share. No one is required to participate in the sharing portion, but if you would like to, you may read your piece to the group or have someone else read it aloud for you. The only thing I ask is that no one is working on homework, unless it’s a creative piece.”

Awsten nodded. Forty minutes sounded like forever, but at least he wasn’t going to be forced to tell everybody what he’d written. That seemed like an invasion of privacy.

Mr. W started writing some things on the board while the other kids started digging in their bags for pencils and paper. Awsten followed suit. He watched as Emily neatly dated the top corner of her paper, and it reminded him of how Mr. W said she’d written about him. He wondered what she’d said.

Prompts, Mr. W had written. Underneath that was,

1. You find a helpless, homeless animal. What is it? What do you do with it?
2. Write about traveling forward or backward in time. 
3. Imagine waking up invisible. What is your day like? What do you do?
4. Compose a letter to your past or future self.
5. “I knew that today was going to be an unusual day when I heard…”

Awsten read the list three times before he settled on the first option. He leaned toward Emily, who was already scribbling furiously, and whispered, “Which one are you doing?”

“The letter,” she whispered back.

“I’m doing the animal one.”

She smiled but didn’t respond.

Awsten looked back at his paper and started to think about dogs.

Room 121
February 26, 4:10 PM

As soon as Mr. W called time and the other kids started volunteering to read what they’d written, Awsten flipped his paper over. He suddenly felt silly for writing about a little brown puppy named Teddy.

“Are you gonna read yours?” Awsten quietly asked Emily.

“I don’t think so,” she replied under her breath.

“Why not? I bet it’s good.”

She scoffed. “How would you know?” Her tone reminded Awsten how much younger than him she was.

“I don’t know. You seem smart,” he admitted, shrugging one shoulder.

“Well,” she said slowly, “if you let me read yours, then you can read mine.”

Awsten nodded. They swapped papers.

Dear Emily,
I hope you’re well. I hope Mom and Dad are still together.
…wait. Maybe I don’t hope that.
I don’t know. I hope things are better, I guess.
I’m fourteen right now, and I don’t have many friends, but I’m doing okay. You’re probably way happier than me. At least, I like to imagine you that way. Everyone says being a freshman is awkward and weird. I don’t think it seems that bad, although the -

Awsten looked up at the sound of Emily’s gentle laughter. He bit his lip, suddenly hoping that she wasn’t laughing at his work.

“This is so cute!” she whispered. “You should definitely read it to everyone.”

“No way.”

“Would you let me?”

He made a face, and she laughed again.

“Awsten, Emily,” Mr. W said warningly. “Hayley has the floor.”

“Sorry!” Emily chirped. Her cheeks heated up, and she tipped her head so that her hair hid her face from view.

“It was my fault,” Awsten told Mr. W. “I’m sorry.” He glanced at Hayley. “Sorry,” he repeated.

Hayley didn’t speak, just blinked at Awsten in annoyance and then kept reading off her sheet. Awsten was used to that face, though. Not from Hayley in particular, but from basically everyone he encountered. It didn’t bother him. In order to cheer Emily back up, he took his paper back and wrote in the left margin, “You can read it if you want,” before slipping it back onto her desk.

A few minutes later, Mr. W called on Emily, who announced, “This is Awsten’s.”

“Oh,” Mr. W responded, seeming genuinely surprised.

“Yeah. He didn’t want to share it, but I told him it was good, and he said I could read it if I wanted, so. It’s called Teddy.”

“I did the animal one,” Awsten supplied.

“Excellent.”

Emily began to read.

It’s raining outside. I walked through puddles and something moved and it caught my eye. I crouched down and saw a little animal shaking from the cold. It was a dog, a puppy. I put my hand out to see if it would come to me but it just backed up. I stayed on the ground beside it, talking to it and telling it I wasn’t going to hurt it, I just wanted to help it. After a few minutes, it came up and sniffed my hand. I was glad. I had not wanted to scare it but now that it came up to me, I could help it.

“Hi,” I said.

The dog didn’t say anything back cause it’s a dog.

I moved forward and picked up the dog. It was so small that it fit in my hands. It was a brown dog with big black eyes. It looks sad.

“Where is your family?” I asked it. “Why are you alone?”

It just looked at me.

The dog sniffs at my hand, and cautiously licked me. I smiled. I put the dog under my elbow and took it home. My parents came to see it, and they were so happy I helped the puppy. They said we could keep it as long as I took care of it. I brought him up to my room and dried him off with a towel. I named him Teddy. He fell asleep on me, and I knew that I was supposed to keep him forever.

“That’s as far as I got,” Awsten muttered, a little embarrassed. “I stopped and started over a couple times.”

“It is well-done,” Mr. W smiled. “I enjoyed the details about the rain.”

“I liked how it was happy and sad,” added one of the sophomore boys. “It was sad that the dog was alone and so small, but it was also hopeful. He found a home, and you helped him.”

Awsten smiled. "Thanks."

“Are you going to read Emily’s to us?” Mr. W wondered.

“Um,” Awsten stuttered. He looked at her. “I think it’s really, um - really personal…”

She nodded gratefully. “Yeah, I’m not gonna share today.”

“Alright. Would anyone like to volunteer to read next?”

The Parking Lot at Lakeview High School
February 26, 4:31 PM

“So how was it?” Otto asked as Awsten slid into the passenger seat. 

“Um, good, actually,” Awsten admitted. He dropped his backpack onto the floorboard, turned down the blasting air conditioner, and shut the door behind himself.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. He put prompts up on the board, and we each got to pick one, but we didn’t have to. He said we could write about whatever we wanted as long as it was creative.”

“And what did you write about?” Otto asked, almost teasingly. Awsten didn’t think it was anything to be laughed about, though. It had been kind of nice to forget about everything for a while.

“Um, finding a dog. Like, a stray.”

“Yep, that sounds like you,” Otto nodded. He looked sweaty, and there was reddish dirt on his shirt that made Awsten wonder whether he'd been messing around at the baseball field while he waited.

With a shrug, Awsten fastened his seatbelt. “Let’s go. I have a lot of homework.”

Otto raised his eyebrows but didn’t comment. He turned the engine over, and the pair began the short drive home.

Geoff's House
February 27, 8:41 PM

Dear Mr. W,

Thank you for reading Of Mice And Men to me. It helped me a lot this week. It made me think about things other than my problems and I’ve never really had anything like that before. Especially not from school.

I liked the book a lot. Especially the parts where Lennie was happy, and when Lennie and George were together while George was being nice. I knew George was mean sometimes, but you were right that he was frustrated. I think after a while I would have gotten frustrated too. But it’s hard to think about it like it’s real because the story is so short and I know Lennie and George were friends for a long time. Like how George always said he had to tell Lennie things a million times, that would frustrate me, too. I have to tell my best friend things more than once sometimes and he’s not special, he’s normal, and that makes me mad. I can’t imagine having to say it more times but it’s different if he was special. But I guess if he was special I would try to be more patient. So maybe not.

Mostly I can’t stop thinking about the ending. Me and Alex talked about it twice after class this morning. We talked about it at lunch and then we talked about it again over text at dinner time. I couldn’t talk to Otto about it because he’s in Mr. O’Callaghan’s class and they haven’t read it yet and I didn’t want to spoil the ending for him. Usually I don’t care about stuff like that unless it’s a movie but I was so surprised and I wanted him to be as surprised as I was. It can’t feel as big if you know it’s coming.

I was kinda mad at you for making us read such a sad book. I kept thinking it would have a happy ending but it didn’t. I kept waiting for the happy ending when it was sad but it never came. So I was mad at you since I always heard books are supposed to have happy endings. But we’re seniors now and that’s life so I guess it’s good that we have real life practice. I -

Geoff set Awsten’s paper down. How had a seventeen year old never read a book with a sad ending? He sipped at his tea and reminded himself that Awsten had probably not read an entire book in ten years - maybe even longer - so this would all be new territory for him. He took a few moments to tidy the spacious kitchen before he returned to the table to finish Awsten’s letter.

I wanted to tell you that I’m not mad now though. Especially after writing club. Sometimes writing sad things is important. And making people sad is important. Shooting somebody to save them is a big issue and it makes you think. Especially since it was a special person that didn’t mean to do anything bad. I guess I just got so upset because Lennie kind of reminds me of me. Sorry I yelled a couple times in class. I just kind of thought you and Otto are like George to me that you guys help me and make sure I’m o.k. even when other people don’t care or notice that stuff is going on and I am thankful for that. But then George did what he did and too me it was like the ultimate betrayal. Even if your having a hard time and bad things happen you shouldn’t have to be shot in the back of the head by your best friend. But I get why George did it now. I talked to Otto’s parents about it for a while when Otto and me got home cause they had both read the book before like in high school a really long time ago. Otto’s mom didn’t really remember it that well but Otto’s dad did, so me and him talked about the ending and he said his teacher thought it was terrible what George did but that he disagreed. I asked him why and he said because sometimes it’s better to quit while you're ahead.

I think one of the reasons you picked this book was to make us think hard. I always hear about critical thinking and I never really knew what it was until now. We have to decide for ourselves about what we think about the story and it’s a big thing to think about. So I think for now that George wasn’t as wrong as I thought he was in class. All I could see then was that he killed Lennie when Lennie had made a mistake. But what I saw wrong was that he didn’t kill Lennie because of the mistake. He killed him because he was trying to stop what came after.

I’ve never written anything this long before in my life and I hope it’s not too long since I had a lot to say. Otto’s making fun of me a little for actually doing my homework but I know he doesn’t mean it since he doesn’t want me to move away. I am only doing this because of you. I would have just given up but you told me not too. Thank you. And thanks for making us read this book because I really liked it.

Awsten Knight

Geoff stood up with the letter in his hand. He went straight to his printer and opened it up, laying the pages face-down on the glass. Never in his life had he hit the “Copy” button so quickly.

Lakeview High School
February 28, 8:58 AM

“Otto!” Awsten beamed. “Otto, look!” He waved the paper in front of Otto’s face until Otto snatched it away.

“A hundred?” Otto asked incredulously. Otto flipped through it, glancing at all the green pen Mr. W had left on the pages, underlining things and drawing little stars and happy faces. “Dude!”

“I know!” Awsten grinned. “I got an A plus! An A plus!”

Otto pulled him into a hug right in the middle of the hallway. “I knew you could do it. You were writing for hours. You practically had a conference with my parents!”

Awsten laughed.

“So, since you know you got a perfect score, will you let me read it now?”

“No!” Awsten yanked the paper back.

“What? Why not?”

“Spoilers!”

Otto groaned.

Teacher's Lounge
February 28, 9:11 AM

“I’ve never written anything this long before,” Geoff read aloud from his copy, “and I hope it’s not too long, since I had a lot to say. Otto’s making fun of me a little for actually doing my homework, but I know he doesn’t mean it since he doesn’t want me to move away.”  Geoff looked up at John, who was sitting across from him with his hands wrapped tightly around a coffee mug. “Do you recall that I told you he is living with Otto Wood's family for now, but he may have to leave the school?”

“Of course,” John nodded. “Keep going.”

“Since he doesn’t want me to move away…” Geoff muttered, trying to find his place. “Oh, here we are. ‘I am only doing this because of you. I would have just given up, but you told me not to. Thank you. And thanks for making us read this book, because I really liked it. Awsten Knight.’”

“Holy hell,” John mused.

“Yes.”

“He’s not very eloquent, but… wow. That’s some serious shit.”

“I did tell you that he is smarter than you think that he is,” Geoff said with a slightly smug smile, sliding the papers back into his file. “I am extremely proud of him.”

“I… I hate to say this, but I kind of am, too. Wow. Grapes has come a long way in… what, four days?”

“He’s never put an ounce of effort in before, and now everything revolves around his effort,” Geoff explained. “He came to class this morning with four front-and-back pieces of paper. I do not believe that he has ever handed in more than a paragraph.”

John shrugged. “I guess it’s amazing what you’ll do when your life depends on it. But god, that part about him being Lennie and you being George…”

“That was difficult for me,” Geoff admitted. “It is heartbreaking. It seems as though he doesn’t have a single kind adult in his life.”

“He mentioned Otto’s parents.”

“Yes, but...” Geoff looked away. “Could you imagine growing up with parents similar to his? He misbehaves constantly, but I truly do believe that he is merely making sure that he is seen and heard here since he is likely ignored at home.”

John raised his eyebrows.

Geoff knew that look. “I’ve been reading too much Dr. Phil again, haven’t I?” he inquired with a timid smile.

“I think so. Yeah. You could say that.”

Geoff sighed. “I am merely trying to understand. I don’t expect that anyone else has made an effort to see past the act he puts on.”

“That's because not all of us are saints like you,” John pointed out.

He scoffed in return. “I am most definitely not a saint, but I do prefer that all of my students are happy. You must believe that we are all in agreement on that, no?”

“Not to the extent you do,” John replied. “You followed a kid to a police station with a book, and then you waited for him there all day.”

Geoff sighed tiredly; John had been questioning his motives all week.

“I get it. I do. The stuff about you wanting to skip work was just me teasing, Geoff. I just - I think Annie should have gone with him and that should have been the end of it.”

“He cannot stand her.”

“He can't stand anyone!”

“Except me,” Geoff muttered before he realized what he was saying. He blinked.

“That doesn’t mean you have to up and leave school for him.”

Geoff looked down at Awsten’s paper again. “He was in tears,” Geoff murmured. “He waited outside my door for who knows how long, and then, mere minutes after he came in, he was weeping. This is a child who is never upset by anything. Or he conceals it, at least.”

“So you were the one he came to. That doesn’t make you obligated to take care of him.”

“What if I would like to?”

John sighed. “Geoff, you’re too ni-”

“He is reaching out," Geoff interrupted. "He is afraid, and he needs someone to assist him. How could I possibly deny him? He has no one else, John. He is alone.”

“But he’s still not your responsibility.”

“He is in my classroom every single day. You are telling me that you would not help a student of yours were they in a comparable situation?”

John held his hands out and shrugged.

“I do not believe that, not for one moment. You would find some way to help. He is seventeen years old, John. He is a child. He needs someone to be able to rely on, an adult to be able to trust.”

“That’s not your place,” John argued again. “His parents are-”

“His parents are monsters,” Geoff growled.

“I don’t disagree with that,” John placated. “Just - I don’t want you to get too deep into this, okay? I’m glad he’s safe now, and I’m glad that you care about him. But you’re not his dad, Geoff. You don’t have to do all this.”

“I understand.” He frowned. “You cannot change my mind, though.”

“Yeah, trust me, I got that.”

Houston Resilience and Recovery Center
March 1, 10:02 AM

“Awsten?” a man called. He had dark hair and nice clothes, but he seemed tired. 

Mr. Wood, who had driven to the appointment, gave Awsten a reassuring smile as the teenager stood up from his chair and followed the man back into a small, bright room with several couches.

The guy wordlessly plopped into an armchair and grabbed a clipboard off the floor. Awsten figured he should probably take a seat as well, so he picked the corner sofa cushion furthest away from the man.

“Uh, hey. Welcome to therapy. I’m guessing you don’t wanna be here,” the guy said shortly.

Awsten didn’t reply.

Without looking up, the man flipped through a few pages.”Uh, today is Saturday, right?”

Awsten quietly cleared his throat. “Yeah.”

The guy nodded. “Alright. I'm Pete. I’ve been a therapist for six years now. I mostly work with foster kids from 12 to 19. You got any questions for me?”

“Um… no?” 

“Okay, let’s see. How old are you?”

“I’m seventeen.”

“You cut yourself?”

Awsten raised his eyebrows. “No.”

The guy marked something off on his paper. “Do you drink?”

“No.”

Another mark. “Smoke?”

“Nope.”

“Not even pot?”

Awsten shook his head, but Pete wasn’t looking so he supplied, “No.”

“You gay, or straight, or like…?”

“Uh, straight.”

“Ever been hospitalized?”

“Yeah. When I was a kid.”

“For what?”

“I had a knee surgery.”

“No, I mean for something psychological.”

“Oh. No.”

“You ever hurt yourself?”

Didn’t he just ask that? “No.”

“Try to kill yourself?”

“Um, no.” Somehow, this endless, choppy list of questions was not what Awsten had pictured therapy to be like. Not that he'd expected rainbows and big monologues, but this was... weird. Pete was weird. Awsten's discomfort grew.

“You don’t live with your parents, right?”

Awsten scratched absently at his shoulder. “No.”

“Where are you staying right now?”

“With my best friend. His parents have a foster license.”

“That’s convenient,” the guy muttered. “Um, how do you know him?”

“School.”

“Where do you go?”

“Lakeview High.”

"Senior, right?"

"Yep."

“You been there all four years?”

“Mm-hmm.”

“You get good grades?”

Awsten snorted a laugh.

“I’ll take that as a no,” the guy said, and instead of making a check mark, he jotted a sentence.

“What are you writing?” Awsten questioned.

“What you told me,” the guy replied flatly. “Between this office and the hospital, I see about a hundred of you kids a week. Gotta write this stuff down or I’ll never remember it.”

“Oh.”

Awsten found it funny that Pete said he ‘sees' them, since Awsten was pretty sure the therapist had no idea that his hair was bright purple.

“Do you like school?”

“Um. I like band, I guess. And my English cla-”

“Cool. Tell me about your parents. What happened with them?”

Awsten shifted. “Um…”

The guy finally glanced up, and he blinked in surprise at Awsten’s bruise.

Awsten swallowed anxiously. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“We’ve gotta talk about it,” the guy countered. “That’s the whole reason you’re here.”

Awsten shook his head.

“What?”

Awsten just shook his head again. “I… I wanna leave.”

“That’s fine, but they’ll take you out of school and put you in a group home.” Pete waved Awsten’s file around. “See, I do my homework.”

“I wanna leave,” Awsten repeated. His mind was made up.

The guy nodded down at his papers, skipping a few lines and starting on another sentence. Without looking up yet again, he held a hand out toward the door, and Awsten went right to it, emerging from the tiny office barely three minutes after he’d walked in. Otto’s dad looked surprised to see him.

“Everything okay?”

Awsten leaned down to murmur in his ear so the other people in the waiting room wouldn’t hear him. “No. This isn’t right,” he said softly.

Otto's dad nodded and motioned Awsten out to the parking lot. “Come on, let’s go talk.” Once they were outside, he asked, “What’s not right?”

Awsten glanced at the door he’d come through, and when he saw that the therapist wasn’t standing there, he admitted, “Him.” He shook his head. “He was… wrong.” 

Otto’s dad nodded again, immediately more concerned. “Okay. Are you good?"

"Yeah. I just didn't like him."

"Okay, then. I'm glad you left."

"Me, too," Awsten agreed quietly.

With an awkward clearing of his throat, Otto's dad asked,  "You ready to head home?”

Awsten nodded. “Yeah. Please.”

When Otto's dad unlocked the car, Awsten climbed into the passenger seat. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled.

“No, no, don’t apologize, son. We’ll talk to Teri, and she’ll know what to do. We can try again.”

Awsten attempted to smile. Mr. W had made it sound like it was going to be easy, getting everything on the list done, but between tackling therapy and bringing up his physics grade, this was going to be a lot harder than he thought.

Chapter Text

Room 121
March 3, 8:02 AM

It was raining when Awsten paraded into Mr. W’s room on Monday. “Goddamn, it is gross out today!” he announced.

“Awsten, welcome,” Mr. W greeted, unfazed by the language. “Please find a seat and a pencil.”

“I’m ready to kill this test,” Awsten grinned, dropping into his seat next to Alex.

Mr. W smiled back. “I am glad to hear that.” He passed out the papers and gave his usual spiel, and, for the first time, Awsten appreciated it.

“Now, as usual, these questions are straight to the point. They are not intended to trick or confuse you,” Mr. W told the room. "If you have a question, please raise your hand, and I will come over so that you may ask, but I know today more than ever that each one of you is going to do a fantastic job.” He scanned his students. “Does anyone require a test or something to write with?”  There was silence, so Mr. W returned to his chair.

Awsten bit the end of his pencil and looked down at the page in front of him.

1. One of the difficult topics Of Mice & Men confronts is that of:

               a. prostitution
               b. euthanasia
               c. homelessness

Without missing a beat, Awsten circled B and moved to the next question.

     2. Lennie picks up a ______ to pet while he and George are traveling.

               a. cat
               b. dog
               c. pokémon
               d. mouse

Awsten couldn’t help but smile as he circled D. God, Mr. W was right. The tests really weren’t hard if you did the reading and paid attention. He had a feeling that this was going to be a good day.

Room 121
March 4, 8:55 AM

Geoff handed back the tests one by one at the door the next morning as the kids left the room for second period, and he made sure to save Awsten’s for last. Alex was hovering in the hall just a few feet away, but Geoff went ahead and told Awsten what he thought.

“I am very proud of you,” he stated, and Awsten’s eyes lit up.

“Did I do okay?” he asked hopefully.

“Awsten, you did an excellent job.” Geoff handed the paper to him and watched as Awsten’s mouth fell open in shock and subsequently broke into a grin.

“Ninety-four?!” the boy exclaimed. He looked up, easily happier than Geoff had ever seen him.

“Ninety-four,” Geoff echoed with a smile.

“That’s an A!”

Geoff chuckled. “Yes, it is. I am quite proud of you,” he repeated.

Awsten bounced forward and flung his arms around Geoff’s middle. “I’m gonna hang this on the fridge!” he announced.

Geoff laughed and lightly patted his student's back. “Good. It deserves a spot.”

Awsten squeezed his eyes shut but didn’t let go.

Geoff could tell he was relishing in the moment, so he asked, “How are you feeling?”

“So good,” Awsten admitted. He pulled back so he could see Geoff. “Thank you.”

“Remember that you were the one who put in all the work,” Geoff pointed out.

“Nah, if you hadn’t read to me, I don’t think I would’ve done it.”

Geoff shook his head. “I read three pages to you, and each time after that, you were the one who requested the book.”

“Oh,” Awsten murmured. He smiled up at Geoff like sunshine again.

Geoff returned the smile, glad to see his student so joyful. He deserved it, certainly after the last several days. 

Room 121
March 5, 8:00 AM

“Alright, everyone,” Geoff smiled. “Good morning. Let's begin.”

“Awsten just texted,” Alex informed from his new desk in the front. “He’ll be here in just a second. He just got back to the parking lot, and he's walking in.”

“Thank you,” Geoff nodded, “but you know that I am unable to mark him present until he arrives.”

“I know. Just letting you know.”

“Very well.” He looked at the small handful of kids and counted them. “One, two, three, four, five, six, and Awsten is on his way…” And then, “Has anyone heard from Michael this morning?”

No one responded.

“Alright, then; I will wait another moment. Hopefully, they will both arrive shortly." Moving on, he asked, "Would anyone like to comment on the reading from last night?”

“I didn’t want to stop!” Taylor blurted. “I had to make myself put the book down!”

Geoff smiled. “What about it stood out to you?”

“Oh, it was so intense! I was so worried. And I - here, um,” she said, flipping open the paperback on her desk. “The part where the little girl came up to the man and asked for a toy animal. And he acted like he wouldn’t make her one, but it says, ‘…he reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out three yellow pipe cleaners, which he carried for just this purpose.’”

Geoff nodded knowingly. “I enjoy that scene as well.”

“I liked how she called him Eddie Maintenance,” Chloe laughed.

“I just didn’t want him to die,” Alex chimed in. “I figured he would, ‘cause of the title and all, but I still hoped he wouldn’t.”

“Alex, what did you think of Eddie?" Geoff wondered thoughtfully. "Did you want him to live because you liked him? Or for another reason?”

“Um, I don’t think I liked him that much,” Alex shrugged, “but still, I didn’t want him to die. Especially the way he did. Yikes. It sounds painful as fu-“

Geoff quickly widened his eyes at Alex.

“I mean, as anything!” 

Geoff smiled. “I agree.” He looked out at the class. “Does anyone have anything they would like to add?”

The other three students, Maddie, Cassadee, and Zack, stayed quiet.

"Very well. If you would all t-” Before Geoff could finish, he was interrupted by the phone ringing. “Excuse me. I apologize.” He leaned across his desk and picked up the receiver, but within seconds, he found himself turning around so that his expression was blocked from the students.

“This is not a drill,” the automated voice recited. “Please lock your door and pull the shades down. Turn out the light. Hide your students as best you can. Police have been called and are on their way. Information will be given as it is deemed safe.”

The line went dead, and Geoff replaced the receiver. He allowed himself one shaky breath before he strode across the room to lock the door. “I need you all to move behind my desk,” he said calmly.

“What?” Taylor asked.

He switched the light off and turned back around. Not one of the kids had moved.

“I am serious,” Geoff said softly. “Come, please.”

“Wh-what?” Maddie echoed.

Geoff held an arm out and motioned them toward him. “Come. Come, quickly.”

Zack stood first, and the rest of the small class followed suit.

“Behind my desk,” Geoff repeated.

The kids obeyed this time, and Geoff watched anxiously as they scrambled to the corner. Maddie and Chloe were huddled side by side, their fingers laced together. Zack chose one of the edges, and Cassadee chose the other, leaving Alex and Taylor in the middle.

Geoff pushed the desk diagonally so it blocked the students in, and then he crouched down in front of them. “There,” Geoff whispered. “Is everyone alright?”

They all stared back at him with confused eyes, so Zack took it upon himself to nod.

“What’s happening?” Chloe breathed.

“I am not sure,” Geoff responded truthfully.

Taylor asked softly, “But what did they say on the call?”

Geoff gave her a sideways smile. “Only to lock the door and cover the windows and that they would tell us more as soon as possible.”

“I want my phone,” Maddie whimpered.

Geoff shook his head. “We need to stay here. But everything will be alright.”

“I wanna call my mom,” she protested, but before she could get the full sentence out, her voice broke, and she started to cry.

“It’s alright,” Geoff soothed.

“We’re in a lockdown,” Cassadee shot back angrily. “It’s not okay.”

Geoff nodded and swallowed. He’d been over this situation in his mind a million times, but he never thought it would actually happen at Lakeview. He gave his students a tight smile.

Zack, who hardly ever spoke, asked quietly, “Do you think someone brought a gun to school? Are they coming to kill us?”

The question was what they’d all been thinking, but no one else had dared voice it.

“No,” Geoff said firmly. “I do not.”

He hoped that the students couldn’t tell that he was lying.

Taylor replied, her voice barely audible. “Then what is the lockdown for?”

“I'm not sure," Geoff repeated. "At the moment, I know only as much as you do.”

The students fell quiet. Time ticked by, and it was taking everything Geoff had in him not to open his mouth and start babbling. Of course he thought that someone had brought a gun. Of course it was likely that they were all in real danger. Of course Geoff would throw himself in front of his kids without a second thought.

He was a teacher, though, not a super hero. He was just as afraid as they were. He wanted to call his sister, best friend...

A sharp yell came from the hallway. “Ay, I’ve got eyes on him!” There was a bit of chatter and some form of coded SWAT communication that Geoff couldn’t understand and then the unmistakable sentence that sent his class into a panic. “He’s definitely got an AR. Looks like an M16 from here. ”

Geoff was furious - first at whoever was sick enough to bring an assault rifle to school, and second at the man who had announced its presence well within the earshot of terrified teenagers.

“Oh my god, that’s a gun, right? Somebody really brought a gun?” 

"That's not just any gun..." Zakk muttered.

“We’re gonna die, aren’t we?”

“Mr. W, what’s happening?!”

“Hush,” Geoff whispered urgently. “Hush, hush, all of you. Listen to me, please. There are two things that I need for you to know, alright? It is imperative that you are listening carefully." He looked over all of them. "Are you listening?”

They nodded.

“Good. First, the military says ‘run, hide, fight,’” he told them, ticking the list off on his fingers. “If you’re in a situation with a weapon - which we may or may not be; I do not know. But they say that if you are, to run. If you are unable to run, they advise that you hide, which is what we are doing now. And if you cannot hide, you are to fight. It will not come down to that. I promise. But if it does, I am giving you full permission to do whatever you have to.”

They all nodded again. Maddie continued crying.

“The second thing,” Geoff began, but he paused and took a moment to breathe and try to keep his voice from trembling. “The second thing is that I am here. No matter what happens, I will be here. I am not going to let anything happen to you.”

“You can’t know th-”

“Should the situation call for it, I will do everything that I can to protect you,” Geoff continued smoothly, “and I will not leave you. Not now, and not after this is over.”

Maddie grabbed onto Geoff's hand, and Taylor scooted forward and wrapped her arms around him. Geoff hugged her back with the hand that wasn’t squeezing Maddie’s fingers.

“I’m really scared,” Chloe whispered.

Geoff gave her as much of a smile as he could muster. “I know. We are going to be fine, though. Everything is going to be alright.”

The kids fell silent, aside from Maddie’s hushed sniffles.

One minute ticked by. Then two. Maddie slowly stopped crying. Geoff kept silently begging for the phone to ring again or the intercom to come to life, buzzing with news that the lockdown had been a false alarm, that everything was fine, to resume classes as scheduled.

After a several minutes' worth of silent, tense seconds, Alex got a funny look on his face.

Geoff tilted his head, looking at him curiously. “What is it?”

Alex swallowed and fought the water that had welled up in his eyes. He shook his head.

“It’s alright,” Geoff said quietly, but all of the kids were looking at Alex, and he was looking back at them. He brought a hand up to cover his mouth, and he shut his eyes, which caused two tears to fall.

“Alex…” Geoff murmured.

Alex shook his head. The tears came faster and faster until Alex was audibly crying.

“What’s the matter?” Geoff felt so silly for asking; Alex was likely fearing for his life - and rightfully so. But the answer sent chills down Geoff’s arms.

“Awsten never came in.”

Geoff closed his eyes, his arm tightening around Taylor’s back as he started to worry for Awsten. And Michael, too, who was also missing. But Alex had said that Awsten was in the parking lot, which meant that by the time the phone rang, he definitely should have had time to make it into class.

“I’m sure that he’s alright," Geoff lied. "I am sure he found a classroom to slip into-”

Geoff was cut off by an impossibly loud bang that made his blood run cold.

A gunshot.

It wasn’t far; it was actually close enough that Geoff was having trouble figuring out which direction it came from. But before he had time to think, Taylor and Maddie both softly shrieked, and all of the kids but Zack burst into tears. 

A lone, drawn out, strangled scream came from outside, raw and horrified. It was a sound that Geoff, as long as he lived, would never be able to forget.

“Hush, I know,” Geoff whispered urgently, quickly moving forward as his students all leaned toward him. “I know, I know, I know…” Frantically, he gathered them up in his arms as best he could and began to silently pray. “It’s alright. We are going to be just fine. The police are here, and they will take care of this. I’m going to protect you. We are going to be fine. Everything is going to be just fine.”

Geoff had seen the videos - the ones where there were bodies lining the hallways, where teachers were laid motionless in pools of blood on the floor, where students were hysterical. Geoff felt helpless, and he knew one thing - no matter where the bullet had landed, there was no coming back from this. These kids would never be the same.

“Where’s Awsten?” Alex pleaded.

Maddie was back to sobbing again. “I want to call my parents!”

“I don’t want to die,” Cassadee added urgently.

“You will not,” Geoff promised firmly. “No one in this room will die today. Do you understand?”

Geoff’s sentence was met only with quiet sobs.

He ordered in a whisper, “All of you, look at me. Right now.”

The kids obeyed.

“We will leave this room safely. We will all leave this room safely.” At the kids’ looks of disbelief, he continued, "We are going to go back to our homes and eat dinner tonight, and we are going to read lots of books and hug our families every day, and everything is going to be fine.”

The students were quiet.

“How does that sound?” he prompted.

“G-good,” Taylor murmured.

“Good,” Geoff echoed. “Now, come.” He held out his arms again, and all of them except Zack huddled back in. Geoff gave him a sad smile, but Zack just steeled his jaw and looked vigilantly in the direction of the door.

Several minutes later, after the crying had calmed significantly, no more shots had been fired, and Geoff had started to truly believe that things were going to be alright, the phone rang.

Geoff got to his feet. “Stay here,” he told the students. He walked to the other side of the desk and reached for the phone, hoping for the best but still expecting the worst. “Hello?” he asked, but he was greeted by another automated message. As soon as the words reached his ears, he sagged in relief and put the call on speaker so that the kids could hear it.

“This is the all-clear,” the voice reported. “This is the all-clear. The situation has been handled. Stay where you are, and keep your door locked. Police will be by shortly to dismiss you.”

Maddie, Chloe, and Taylor began crying tears of relief, but it was clear that all of the students were still incredibly shaken.

“Dismiss us?” Cassadee asked sharply. She wiped quickly at her face. “Can we go home?”

“I do not know,” came Geoff’s honest reply. “I cannot imagine they would ask us to remain on campus after something like this. I am sure that all of your parents have been notified, and I expect that they’re waiting somewhere nearby.”

Two minutes later, there was a banging on the door. “Police!”

After all the children had been removed from the room, Geoff caught the eye of one of the members of the SWAT team. “Pardon me, but two of my students are missing,” he reported, hoping that his desperation and panic weren’t audible in his voice. “One of them was reportedly on campus this morning.”

“Names?” the man asked.

“Awsten Knight and Michael H-”

“Yes,” the officer nodded. “We have them both.”

“They are safe?” Geoff asked, his entire body overwhelmed with relief.

“They’re both in police custody. But you should know, sir - and I hate to be the one to tell you this, but… one of them is deceased.”

The Hallway Outside Room 121
March 5, 8:32 AM

One of them is deceased. One of them is deceased. One of them is deceased.

The words repeated themselves in Geoff’s brain, steady and constant as a heartbeat. He numbly followed his students out of the room and into the hall, where another class was being dismissed, too. Just as he was catching up to his six seniors, he heard them begin to frantically murmur amongst themselves, sounding just as panicked as they had in the minutes before. Alex stopped short, dissolving into tears all over again.

“Keep moving,” one of the SWAT men barked, and Geoff upped his pace to get to Alex.

“It's over now,” Geoff told him comfortingly. He set a hand between Alex’s shoulders. “Come, let’s find your aunt outside, yes?”

Alex didn’t respond, just shakily pointed. Geoff’s eyes followed his hand to a sea of liquid on the floor. It was dark, far too dark to be fresh blood. And then his eyes zeroed in on the upturned cardboard tray. He could just make out the name ‘Taylor’ scrawled on the side of a cup in Sharpie. There was only one student that randomly made coffee runs for the kids in his class that he wasn’t even close friends with.

Geoff’s eyes burned with emotion for the first time since this had all begun. He’d been so concerned with keeping his students calm that he had barely let himself feel anything. But now…

“It’s alright,” Geoff whispered. He pulled Alex along, away from the spill. 

One of them is deceased.

The door had been blocked off with crime scene tape, and the courtyard as well. There was a sea of parents and news anchors behind the line, all clamoring. The whirring of helicopter blades, the chatter of police radios, and the flashing of red and white ambulance lights attacked Geoff’s senses, but the students reuniting with their siblings and running to meet their mothers and fathers quickly distracted him.  He made sure that each member of his class ducked under the tape and found their family, and then he turned his back to them, looking in the direction where most of the emergency personnel were milling around.

“Michael?” he called softly. “Awsten?” He traveled tentatively toward the workers and upped his volume. “Michael? Awsten?”

One of them is deceased.

No one seemed to notice him, so he continued down past the edge of the main building and around the corner, and what he was suddenly able to see caused his heart to leap into his throat; EMTs were taking their time loading a stretcher covered in a white sheet into an ambulance. Geoff could feel himself start to lose it then. Someone had actually died that morning at Lakeview High School. Someone had actually died.

“Michael? Awsten?” he called, half-yelling. He didn’t know which kid was alive and which kid was dead, and in that moment, he didn’t really care; he just wanted both of them to come walking around the corner and have it all be a big misunderstanding. “Michael! Awsten!”

“Hey,” one of the fireman snapped, making a beeline for Geoff, “keep your voice down.”

“Where are my children?” Geoff asked frantically.

“Sir, you need to wait behind the line with the other parents.”

“No, no, I’m their teacher. Awsten and Michael - they are both in my first period class, but they were missing. Where are they? Do you know? Have you heard anything about them?”

The man stared at him pityingly for a long moment.

“Please,” Geoff begged.

“Come with me,” the man sighed. He raised his voice as they walked. “Hey, Chief!”

A police officer turned around, walkie-talkie in hand.

“He says he’s their teacher,” the fireman explained, jerking his thumb in Geoff’s direction.

“I don’t care,” the man replied evenly. “I need him out of here. No one comes back here til we get this kid’s parents on the phone.”

“They’re in jail,” Geoff supplied, choking up, “which is why they’re not answering.”

The cop raised his eyebrows. “No, they’re not. What?”

“A-Awsten Knight. His parents are in jail.”

“No, we’re not looking for his parents. We’re trying to get ahold of the family of the other one.” 

“Michael?” Geoff asked brokenly.

“Yeah.”

Geoff bowed his head, hot tears streaming down from his eyes before he could even make an attempt to stop them. Awsten was alive, but Michael was dead. But Awsten was alive. But Michael was dead.

Suddenly, Geoff remembered the scream that had come right after the gun had been fired. He demanded, “What happened? Did Awsten bring a gun to school?!”

“Sir, we really need you to-”

“Please, I know that he would never harm anyone. He didn’t hurt Michael, did he?”

The officer glanced at the fireman, who shrugged as if to say, Tell him.

“No, he didn’t,” the cop said gruffly. “He's not hurt, and we know that he didn’t do anything wrong. That’s all I can say right now.”

Geoff sighed heavily with relief as the man walked away. He glanced toward the parking lot a hundred or so feet away and caught sight of Taylor tightly hugging her mom and Alex and his aunt talking to three people that Geoff realized were Otto Wood and his parents. Alex had a panicked look on his face and was talking quickly, gesturing along with his words. The longer he continued speaking, the more worried Otto and his family looked. Alex caught sight of Geoff, and they headed toward each other.

“Where’s Awsten?” Alex asked, fear clear in his voice. “Did they tell you?”

“He’s alright,” Geoff answered warmly. He leaned down a little to get closer to Alex's eye level. “He’s going to be just fine. The police told me that he’s safe and he hasn't done anything wrong.” Geoff guided a tearful Alex back to the Wood family, where he relayed the information to them as well. He was careful to leave Michael out of it.

“What on earth happened?” Mrs. Wood asked.

“I do not know,” Geoff admitted. “I had hoped that you might have heard something.”

“No, they're keeping us all in the dark.”

The engine turned over in the ambulance that was secretly carrying Michael’s body, and Geoff watched as it drove carefully down the concrete and out of the courtyard with all its lights off. Cops were streaming out of the school as well, and it reminded Geoff of the fearful look in Awsten’s eyes when he’d whispered to Geoff that he hated the police station.

Awsten.

“Excuse me; where is Awsten Knight?” he called to them.

No answer.

“Stay here,” Geoff instructed the small group he’d been talking to, and he briskly walked around the building again toward the remaining emergency personnel. “Could you tell me where Awsten Knight is?” 

He may as well have been invisible. It was like he was in some movie where he’d woken up as a ghost. Anxiety began clawing at his chest and digging in its talons. 

“Awsten?” Geoff called, heading further toward the football field where the commotion had been. Now that the ambulance had pulled away, he could see an ocean of blood. Blood and… oh, dear god.  Geoff shuddered and fought the sudden, overwhelming urge to gag. “Awsten!” he shouted, panicking slightly. He turned in a circle, looking every which way. “Where the hell is Awsten Knight?!”

Lakeview High School Courtyard
March 5, 8:41 AM

“Geoff!” John called. He jogged down the steps, following a stream of kids out of the building and rushing to embrace his friend. “Are you okay? What happened, have you heard?”

“It’s my students,” Geoff said shakily. “It’s my students. It’s my students-”

“Come here,” John murmured, and he took Geoff by the shoulder and steered him away from all the commotion. “What are you talking about? What the hell happened?”

“I do not know,” Geoff told him weakly. “I do not know, but they - they weren’t in class, and now one of them has died, and-”

“What?!”

And then Geoff saw it: a shock of purple hair slowly making its way to the parking lot between two police officers.

“Awsten,” Geoff breathed, but the calm barely lasted two seconds before his heart seized up again.

The boy was completely soaked with blood. His face and shirt were splattered with it, it was running down his neck in streaks, and his arms and hands were coated entirely. He looked like someone had doused him from the knees down with a bucket of reddish-brown paint.

Awsten slowly lifted his head and started blankly scanning the remaining parents waiting for their children, but his eye caught Geoff standing off to the side. As soon as Awsten read the relief on Geoff’s face, he tore into a run. Geoff was pretty sure he’d never been so overwhelmed with relief in his life as he was when he saw his student make a break for him.

Awsten ran across the courtyard, and Geoff moved quickly toward him, holding an arm out to catch him. Awsten slammed into Geoff, grabbing onto him like his life depended on it. He dug his bloody fingers hard into Geoff’s back.

“Awsten,” Geoff whispered. “Awsten, oh my word. Oh my word. Oh my word.” Geoff held him so tightly he was sure that it hurt, but he couldn’t help himself. He’d been so worried. And one of his students was dead, but this one was alive. He was alive. Geoff squeezed him closer.

Awsten just held on.

Geoff could feel the boy’s ragged breaths against his own chest, far too shallow to be effective and far too rapid to be doing Awsten any good. Geoff assumed that Awsten was crying, but when he pulled back to look at Awsten’s face, it became clear that he wasn't; it seemed more like he was having some sort of dazed anxiety attack.

The police came up to where Geoff was holding his student, but they didn’t speak or intervene, just let Awsten finally have a moment to be comforted.

“I’ve got you,” Geoff promised. He buried one of his hands in Awsten’s hair and kept the other hand pressed steadily on his back, right at the bottom of his rib cage. “It’s over now. It’s over now.”

Awsten grabbed a fistful of Geoff’s shirt in each hand and involuntarily let out a hoarse, broken sound. That was when Geoff realized - it had been Awsten who had screamed outside during the lockdown. Geoff’s burning tears welled up again. He leaned down so that the side of his cheek was pressed against Awsten’s hair, right above his ear. “I’ve got you,” he repeated fervently. “You’re safe.”

“I tried to stop him,” Awsten whimpered.

“I know,” Geoff soothed. “And it is over now. It’s done.”

“Aws!” came a shout, and Geoff looked up to see two skinny teenagers racing toward him. They crashed wildly into Geoff and Awsten.

Awsten flinched and looked up and, with a trembling hand, let go of Geoff with one hand in favor of latching onto Otto.

Both boys gasped as they saw Awsten’s clothes and skin.

“Wh-why are you covered in blood?” Alex whispered.

“He’s dead,” Awsten replied, almost conversationally.

“Who’s dead?” Alex hysterically demanded.

Awsten didn’t respond, but it didn’t matter to Otto. He paled. “Awsten, no…”

“Saw him,” Awsten nodded. God, he sounded like a little kid again, just like the time he'd been telling Geoff what his parents had done. “Watched him do it. He’s dead now.”

Otto elbowed between Awsten and Geoff so he could wrap Awsten in a tight hug, which Awsten accepted. “Mom and Dad are here. We’re gonna go home,” Otto said into Awsten’s shoulder. He was so quiet that Geoff almost missed it.

“I can’t,” Awsten whispered. “They’re making me go give a report.” He shook his head. “I don’t want to.” He looked up at Geoff. “I really don’t want to. Please don’t make me go. Mr. W, please. I don’t wanna talk about it.”

Geoff had no say in the matter, but of course Awsten couldn’t realize that right then. “One thing at a time,” he said softly, “alright?”

Awsten turned away and buried his face in Otto’s shoulder.

“Awsten, come on,” one of the police said. Her eyes were kind, but her voice was firm. “We have to go now.”

“No,” he begged. “I wanna go with Otto.”

“I’ll come with you,” Otto promised. “Wherever they make you go, I’m there.”

Awsten nodded and then looked up at Geoff. “Will you come, too? Please. I don’t - I don’t want to go without you.”

“Of course. I will be there.”

Awsten nodded, slightly comforted.

Still, Geoff’s heart ached as he watched a frightened, innocent Awsten led away by the police for the second time in a week. Awsten’s friends trailed behind them.

“Geoff…”

Finally, he noticed Annie and John standing a few feet away, both looking at him with extreme concern written on their faces.

“I need to leave,” Geoff said shortly, turning on his heel and heading straight for his car.

“Geoff!”

Lakeview Police Station
March 5, 9:04 AM

“Awsten, I want you to walk me through what happened this morning,” the policewoman said gently. “Every detail is important to us, okay? Even if it doesn’t seem like it.”

Awsten nodded. He’d been through this process a few times before, and he knew the way it worked. He was pretty sure his file had to be at least an inch thick at this point. He wondered if Otto even had a file.

At Miss Teri’s request, the cops had allowed Awsten to wash his hands and his face, but he was still sitting in blood-soaked clothes. He’d been able to feel the red liquid squelching in his shoes with every step he took from the patrol car into the building. He was convinced that when he stood up, it would have seeped into and stained the fabric of the chair, too.

Mr. W was seated on his right (still a little tinged with some blood from the hug), and Otto’s father filled the chair on his other side, his knuckles white where he clenched them in fists. Awsten had refused to give his testimony without Mr. W beside him, and he’d asked to have Otto in the room, too, but both the police and Otto’s parents had said no to that. Regardless, Otto promised he’d be right outside the door.

“Um,” Awsten muttered.

Part of him desperately wanted to lie and say that he didn’t remember anything. It would be so easy to tell them that he couldn’t recall the feel of icy metal on his neck, had forgotten that the gunshot was so searingly loud that his ears rang from it for several minutes. But that would just delay this, and he wanted to get it over with. It wasn’t like the movies, anyway; Awsten hadn't blacked anything out. He could remember every goddamn second of his morning.

“I got to school at 7:58,” he mumbled, looking down at his fingers. There were remnants of brown blood caked under his nails. “Otto brought me earlier, but I walked to the Starbucks at the border of town so I could get coffee for Taylor and Maddie. I hadn’t brought them any in a while.” He looked up. “Um, Taylor and Maddie are two girls from my first period. Mr. W’s class.”

“And this is Mr. W, right?” the lady checked, pointing.

Mr. W nodded.

“Yeah,” Awsten confirmed. “So as I was walking into school, I texted Alex - um, Gaskarth; he's new - to tell Mr. W that I was on my way in. The second bell rang, like, right as I was coming through the front door, and Mr. W’s room is toward the end of the hall, down by the offices, you know? And since I’m on probation or whatever now, I’m not supposed to be late, so I was kind of hurrying. But then I saw Michael at the end by the auditorium, so I got distracted.”

Awsten paused, waiting for someone to ask a question or something, but everyone just kept looking at him expectantly, so he continued. “Um, I called down to him to ask if he wanted the fourth coffee." He backtracked to explain. "When I get Starbucks, I get one for me, two for other people in my class, and one that I don’t know who I’m going to give it to. Sometimes when I get to school, I try to guess who needs it the most, like if they’re sad or something, or I’ll just pick randomly. I heard Maddie’s parents are getting divorced, and I know everyone’s still being mean to Taylor for literally no reason, so I thought they could use something good. But I hadn't picked my fourth person yet.”

Mr. W was looking at Awsten with his eyebrows raised. Awsten didn’t think anything of it.

“But anyway, I asked him if he wanted the extra one, cause he didn’t look happy. Me and him aren’t really friends anymore, but I…” He swallowed. “I always kinda thought it was cause we're so alike.” He looked away, trying to brush off the anxious feelings that came with that admission. “Like, neither of us pay attention in class or do our work. And we both dye our hair crazy colors and have weird friends and listen to the same kind of music. But he’s quiet. He smokes weed behind the batting cages and stuff, but I don’t. I, like. Talk back to teachers. And cuss in class.”

Awsten laced and unlaced his fingers a few times. The cops and Otto’s dad and Mr. W remained silent.

“So anyway, he was in the hall, and I called down to ask him if he wanted the coffee, but he didn’t say anything, which wasn’t that weird, but he usually at least nods or something. But he didn’t. He just stood there. I was still walking to Mr. W’s room, so I was getting closer to Michael, and I could see something in his hand. I didn’t know what it was, partially cause my eyes aren't that great, but also cause he seemed like he was trying to hide it. But yeah, obviously now I know it was a gun. Like, a really big one you’d see in a war movie. One of the modern war movies, though, not like a… what’s the one with the big knife on the end? Not one of those. It was like something from Iron Man. You know that part in the first one where he’s in the desert with the military? I think it's the first one, at least. I fucking hate those movies.”

Awsten knew he probably sounded dumb, but, despite living in Texas, it wasn't like he’d ever taken the time to look up names of fucking firearms. And the lady said every detail counted, so Awsten was doing his best.

“Once he saw me looking at it, he pointed it right at me. I was so freaked out that I dropped the coffee. It burned my leg, but I was a little too busy to care. I mean, he had a fucking machine gun pointed at me.”

Otto’s dad reached out and placed his hand over Awsten’s.

“My mind went blank. Just - it didn’t occur to me then that this could turn into a shooting, or that he'd brought a gun to school, or that we were standing in the middle of the goddamn hallway. All of that just, like, went away. It felt like me and him were just standing there alone and he was definitely gonna shoot me, and it was definitely gonna hurt. That was all I could think. I was tensed up all over. And I felt like we were standing there for an hour, but it might have just been like, four seconds. I don’t know. Time is weird. Um, but yeah, after a little bit, my brain kinda figured out what was going on, I guess, cause I realized that literally no one else knew this was happening. No one knew he had a gun or anything, so no one was gonna help. That meant I had to help myself.”

Awsten swallowed. “And cause the halls were empty, I told him a lie.” He looked down at his blood-soaked shoes. “I told him there was an assembly… I didn’t want him to do anything to me or to anybody else. And I was pretty sure he wouldn’t believe me, but I knew I had to try to stop him, so I did the only thing I could think of, which was to try to get him out of the building. I knew if he stayed, he’d hurt somebody, and I didn’t want anybody else to feel as scared as I felt.”

Out of the corner of his eye, Awsten noticed Mr. W press his fingertips over his mouth. He didn’t turn his head, though, and he didn’t stop speaking.

“So he told me to come with him.” Awsten shifted uncomfortably. He’d never been so terrified in his life, and yet there he’d been, walking towards the thing that had scared the shit out of him.  “He grabbed me and put the end of the gun in my back. I started crying,” he confessed, “but I kept going, cause I just kept thinking that if I stopped, things were gonna get bad - for me, and for everybody else. I had to get him away from the building. Nothing else mattered. I had to try, you know?”

He let his eyes drift to where the officer was jotting notes on a pad. “I told him everybody was at an assembly on the football field, so we went out the back door that leads right to it. Some of the classroom doors were open while we were walking out, and I wanted to yell for help, but I knew if I did that…” He trailed off.

Otto’s dad squeezed his left hand, and Awsten reached for Mr. W's hand with his right. Mr. W's warm fingers curled around Awsten’s. Comforted, Awsten took a deep breath and resumed the story.

“I knew if I did that, he would definitely pull the trigger, and I would die. So I didn’t say anything.”

Awsten turned his palm over so he could hold Otto’s dad’s hand. It was stupid; he was seventeen, almost eighteen, but somehow, the feeling of a larger hand covering his still reassured him. Otto’s dad seemed glad to be able to do something to help, anyway.

“Once we were out the door and he saw there was no one there, he, um. He…” Awsten lifted his free hand to cover his face.

Mr. W moved his free hand onto Awsten’s back, and Awsten glanced up at him for the first time since they'd left the school. Even though Mr. W tried to smile, the pain on Mr. W’s face was too much. The boy shut down as suddenly as if a switch had been flipped inside his brain.

“He used the gun to push me across the field,” Awsten muttered emptily, “and we were right past the middle where you guys found us. And he was talking a lot, and then he shot himself, and then you were there, and now I'm here. The end.”

The cop blinked in surprise at his sudden shift. “Awsten-”

“That’s it. I don’t want to talk anymore.”

“We need to know what he said to you. Could you tell me more about that?”

Awsten shook his head.

Mr. W’s gentle voice broke the tension in the room. “Would you like to take a break?” he asked softly.

Awsten opened his mouth to say yes, but he closed it before he could speak. If he stopped now, he’d never start again.

“I'm sure that it would not be a problem if you prefer to come back and finish in a few minutes,” Mr. W added.

After a deep breath, Awsten shook his head again. “No, I’ll… I’ll do it now.”

"Alright."

“Thank you, Awsten,” the lady said sincerely. “Everything you remember, okay?”

Awsten nodded. God, he wished he’d skipped the Starbucks and just gone to class. Then he wouldn't be stuck in the frigid room. But it wasn’t his fault - it was Michael’s. Fucking Michael.

“He was spouting all this bullshit - like, about how he’s ‘better’ than other people and how no one really ‘sees’ him and stuff…”

“Was it racially charged?”

“No, but it was definitely…” He shrugged one shoulder. “Fucked up. I don’t know. He just - I guess he thinks he deserves more respect or something, and he was going to force people to give it to him. By killing them, I guess, which makes no fucking sense.”

“Language,” she murmured.

He shrugged again and sat back in his chair, sealing Mr. W’s hand on his back.

“So then what happened?” she prompted.

“I started telling him that he-” He stopped short as his mind flooded with memories of Michael’s gray-green eyes boring into his, of the bang of the gunshot, of the panic ripping through him, of the way blood had streamed freely from Michael’s mouth and nose like something out of a fucking horror movie. Awsten hadn’t even known that was possible. The image was too much, and Awsten let out an almost inaudible whimper and covered his face with both hands.

The room was silent. He could feel all the adults staring at him, and he wanted to leave, he fucking did, but he just had to get through this. Shove the feelings down again, and finish it. Come on. Man up.

Awsten sat back up, dropped his hands onto his knees, and tonelessly said, “I started telling him that he didn’t have to do anything, didn’t have to… to hurt anybody. Me, or him, or anybody else. That we could work it out - we could talk about it. And I had no idea how, but I was honestly just stalling. All I could think was that I didn’t want to die at school. And I didn’t-”  He choked up again, and tears flooded his eyes. His voice broke. “I didn’t want Otto to find out what happened to me…”

Otto’s dad reached over and wrapped Awsten in a hug. Awsten leaned into him and wrapped his fingers around the hem of one of Otto’s dad’s big t-shirt sleeves as he allowed himself a few seconds of weakness. He let out a shaky sob and then sat back up, wiping at his eyes. It seemed that Otto’s dad would have held him a lot longer, based on the way he let go so reluctantly, but Awsten knew that if he broke down, he didn’t have a chance in hell of finishing his testimony.

“So I kept talking and hoping that someone had seen something or knew something, and if there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s running my mouth. That’s what I get in trouble for the most. I can’t, um.” He gave Mr. W a sad smile. “I can’t shut up.” His gaze traveled back to the cop. “You can ask anyone; they'll tell you. So I was asking him stuff, like about his friends and what chapters we were supposed to read for homework and stuff, but he I guess decided after a while that he’d had enough, so he just went ahead and stuck the gun in his mouth.”

Mr. W’s hand tensed on Awsten’s back. 

“Is there anything specific you remember him saying?” the lady asked.

Monotonously, he listed, “Um, ‘you’re lucky I didn’t put a bullet between your eyes,’ ‘you think I’ll be famous after this?’ ‘I shouldn’t have listened to you. I should just kill you. You deserve to die.’ Shit like that.”

The cop wrote, and Awsten, still plagued by the images of what Michael had done to himself, pressed his hands over the top of his purple hair, as if to confirm that there was no hole there. When he found that there wasn’t, he ran his fingers over his cheeks, checking for rivers of blood spilling down his skin. His fingers darted around and around his face and onto the top of his head until the woman looked up and noticed what he was doing.

“You’re alright,” she assured him.

“It’s just - gross,” he explained, almost curiously. “Him falling apart like that. He fired the gun, and his whole body just fell apart…”

Mr. W turned away and tried to hide a soft sob.

“Awsten, we’ll get you someone to talk about that with, okay?” the police officer promised. “Right now, I need you tell me in detail what happened right before Michael ended his life.”

“He just did,” Otto’s dad interrupted. “Hasn’t he been through enough?”

“Mr. Wood, with all due respect, a child is dead.”

“Exactly. He’s dead. He's a maniac that brought a machine gun to school, intending to harm lord knows how many people, and Awsten watched him blow his brains out-"

Awsten flinched at the words.

"-and now he’s dead. He’s dead! Awsten isn’t, thank the lord. But he’s had a hell of a morning, and if you don’t mind, my wife and I would like to take him home.”

“We just need to know-”

“I don’t think you’re hearing me,” Otto’s dad growled, leaning forward, but Awsten’s soft plea stopped both the adults.

“Please don’t argue.”

Otto’s dad softened immediately. “Son, we can go home-”

“No, I can do it. I can keep going,” he protested. “I don’t want anybody to be mad because of me.”

“Pardon me,” Mr. W murmured suddenly, getting to his feet and briskly walking out of the room.

Awsten watched him go, wondering if he’d said the wrong thing.

“We’re leaving,” Otto’s dad said firmly. “Come on, Awsten. Let’s go.”

But Awsten begged, “No, I don’t want to have to come back. I can keep going. I can do more.”

Otto's dad leaned down to look him in the eyes. “No, honey, we’re not doing any more. I'm drawing the line, okay? I wouldn’t let Otto do more, and I’m not letting you do more, either. I'm sorry; I know that's not what you want to hear. But as a dad, I can't let you stay here. Let’s go home, okay?”

“Okay, I guess. But I have to sign this before we can go,” Awsten said, pointing at the papers lying on the desk.

“He’s right,” the cop noted. She stopped the recording and sifted through the papers until she found the ones she was looking for.

Awsten numbly scribbled his name and the date on both pages she handed him. Then Otto’s dad placed one hand between Awsten’s shoulders and opened the door for him with the other.

The officer called after them, “If you think of anything else-”

“Yeah, we know; we'll call,” Otto’s dad sighed, but Awsten had already walked away from him and was rushing straight for Otto’s open arms.

The two best friends collided.

“Are you okay?” Otto asked worriedly.

“Yeah, I‘m fine,” Awsten lied.

“Let’s get out of here,” Otto’s dad said to them all.

There was a hand on Awsten’s shoulder, but it was too gentle to be Otto’s father again. Awsten looked up and saw Mr. W, whose eyes were now tinged pink.

“Mr. W,” Awsten blurted, and he let go of Otto and stepped easily into Mr. W’s space, wrapping his arms around the English teacher again.

Mr. W held Awsten close to his chest. “I gave Otto’s mother my telephone number,” he told Awsten, “so if you find yourself in need of anything, please reach out.”

Awsten didn’t say anything, just stared absently at the tile floor as they embraced.

“You were incredibly brave today,” Mr. W added, and Awsten couldn’t help but notice the way his voice shook.

“Thanks for coming back here with me,” Awsten whispered.

“Of course,” Mr. W replied, squeezing him a little tighter before letting him go.

“You ready, baby?” Otto’s mom asked. She brushed some of Awsten’s hair back from his forehead.

Awsten nodded, but he didn’t miss the way her eyes went wide after she touched him. He knew there was still dried blood resting in his hair.

“Alright.” She sighed worriedly and pulled Otto under one arm and Awsten under the other. She squeezed them to her sides as they headed out of the building. “My sweet boys,” she whispered.

Still, Awsten could hear the men having a hushed conversation behind him.

“Please take care of him.”

“Oh, we will.”

“As I mentioned to Awsten, I gave your wife my telephone number. Please do not hesitate to call me if any one of you needs anything at all.”

“Take care of yourself, too,” Otto’s dad said softly. “I can’t even imagine. A class full of kids during something like that… And this Michael, he was one of yours, too, wasn't he?” There was a pause, and then Otto's father continued, “Awsten speaks very highly of you. He’s always had an awful lot of trouble with adults, but he just adores you.”

The door swung shut behind them before Awsten could hear Mr. W's reply.

Awsten slid into the backseat beside Otto, and within seconds, their bodies were pressed together. Awsten laid his head on Otto’s shoulder, and Otto rested his head on Awsten’s. Desperate for relief, Awsten closed his eyes, but all he could see was Michael dead in the grass, mouth hanging open, a river of red gushing out from his hair-

He snapped his eyes open again.

Chapter Text

Otto walked Awsten up to their shared room and watched silently as Awsten kicked off his shoes, shoved down his blood-soaked jeans, and peeled off his newly stained t-shirt. Otto followed suit, removing his sneakers and jeans and climbing up onto the top bunk. Awsten pulled his socks off but left his boxers on as he walked into the bathroom. Dad strode in right as Awsten shut the door and turned on the water. 

"You okay?" Dad asked.

Otto nodded.

"Is he?"

Otto shrugged helplessly. 

"Alright. I'll be back in a minute, okay, honey?"

Otto nodded again.

Dad knocked on the door to the bathroom. "Awsten, it's me. Can I come in?"

"No."

Dad's eyes fell closed. "I'm not going to look at you; the doctors just want somebody to be in there with you while you shower. We can't have you alone right now."

Awsten was quiet for a minute. "Otto can come."

"An adult, son." 

"No."

Dad leaned his head against the doorjamb. "This isn't really a choice. I'm sorry. I know it's uncomfortable, but you've either got to leave the door open or let me or my wife in with you."

Otto was about to offer to try to reason with Awsten when the lock clicked off and the door opened a few inches.

"Thanks," Dad murmured. He sat down in the doorway, positioned so that he was giving Awsten his privacy but still present in case anything happened. Once he was settled, he gave Otto a tired smile, one that Otto read as an invitation to come sit beside him. He hopped down from the top bunk and slipped over to his father, curling up and settling into his side. Dad lifted an arm over his shoulders and pulled him in tightly to kiss the side of his head.  

"I love you," Otto whispered.

Dad kissed him again. 

Awsten spent the better part of an hour under the steamy stream, apparently scrubbing his skin raw. He was pink everywhere when he got out - Otto could see it even under the pajamas he was borrowing - and it clearly wasn't just from the heat of the water.

Dad gave long hugs to both boys before taking a seat in Otto's desk chair as they climbed into their beds. The only sound in the room was that of Awsten twisting and turning under the covers as he tried to get comfortable. Then -

“Otto?” came Awsten’s voice after a few minutes.

“Yeah?”

Silence.

“You okay?” Otto asked. And of course he wasn’t okay, but Otto didn’t know what else to say.

“Yeah,” Awsten whispered.

“Okay.”

Awsten elaborated, “I just wanted to make sure you’re still there.”

Normally, that remark would remind Otto of the day he and Awsten were in the bathroom in kindergarten when it was thundering outside, and Awsten was afraid, but Otto was pretending to be brave. Normally, it would take him back to the time in sixth grade that Awsten had called in the middle of the night crying, and Otto’s mom had answered the phone and woken Otto up, and they’d talked to him until he felt ready to go back to bed. Normally, it would make him feel strong and needed and special. Normally, it would make smile.

Not today.

“I’m still here,” Otto assured.

“Okay.”  

Otto and Awsten didn’t speak after that.

The light in the room had begun to dim when Otto woke a while later; Dad must have closed the shades at some point. Otto swallowed and sat up, and then he peeked over the railing to make sure Awsten was still in the bed below his. He was.

Otto sighed, lying back down. He closed his eyes as the details of that morning rushed back to him like water down a hill. He fumbled around beside his pillow for his phone and checked the time - five-thirty.

He had several texts from other students trying to figure out what exactly had happened and how Awsten had been involved, but he ignored all of them except the ones from Alex.

Spent the day at the police station, Otto wrote. Got home a couple hours ago. Aws is napping.

Are you guys ok?? Can I call? came the immediate reply.

We’re good. And maybe later. He’s still asleep and we’re both in my room.

As he straightened back up, he was sure to stay quiet for Awsten, who, judging by the state of the blankets, had continued tossing and turning in his sleep. He tiptoed down the ladder and crossed the floor as silently as he could. Then he quietly closed the bedroom door behind himself and headed toward the staircase.

The old radio was on in the kitchen like usual, and Otto noted the aroma of pasta sauce before he got all the way down the steps.

“Mom,” he said softly.

She turned and smiled worriedly. “Hey, baby.”

Otto tucked his hands into the pockets of his zip hoodie and headed toward her, not taking them out as he leaned into her shoulder.

She wrapped him into a tight hug and kissed his hair. “Did you get some sleep?”

“Yeah.”

“Does Awsten want dinner?”

Otto shrugged. “He’s still asleep.”

“Do you think we should wake him?”

Otto shrugged tiredly again. “I don’t know.”

Sensing that he didn’t want to discuss it further, Mom dropped it. “Okay, honey.” She stood still, holding him and rubbing his back until the timer went off. A reluctant smile graced her features as she pulled back. “Does ravioli sound alright?”

“Yeah,” he answered truthfully.

“I made some garlic bread, too.”

Otto nodded. “I’ll set the table.”

“No, Otto, that’s alright, honey-”

“I want to.” And he did. He was sure he would go fucking crazy if he kept thinking. Doing something would be good for him.

Mom watched as Otto wandered over to the drawer that held all the silverware. Soon, Dad came in from outside and washed his hands in the kitchen sink, and the three of them sat down to dinner. It was like normal… almost.

“So what did Awsten say? Like, at the station?” Otto asked softly, lifting a forkful of peas to his mouth.

His parents traded a glance, and then his dad suggested, “Let’s talk about something else.”

Otto gave him a look. “What did he say? If he’s sleeping in my room, I think I kind of need to know.” He wasn’t angry or sarcastic; both his voice and demeanor remained as calm and reasonable as they always did. “I get why you didn’t want me in there while it was happening, but can you give me an edited version?”

Otto watched as his dad looked to his mom for permission before he began speaking.

“I…” Dad sighed and stared down at his plate. “Michael?”

Otto nodded.

“He brought the gun to the school. Awsten happened to be in the hallway at the same time as him. Awsten stood up to him and walked him outside.” He swallowed. “He saved everyone.”

Mom reached over to squeeze her husband’s hand.

“He saved everyone,” Dad repeated, a little gruffly.

Otto let the words sink in for several moments. The only sounds in the room were the quiet clinks of his parents' silverware against their plates and the crunches of their crust.

“Right after it happened,” Otto began slowly, “and Awsten was with Mr. W in the courtyard, and Alex and I went up to him, he said that he, um. Watched Michael actually… do it.”

“Yes.”

“He saw him die?” Otto reiterated.

“Uh-huh.”

“Like… pull the trigger, and he’s bleeding and everything?”

Mom loudly set her fork down, and her face pinched. Dad nodded.

Otto nodded back, wondering what that must have been like. “He’s gonna be… messed up, then, isn’t he?” he murmured.

“Maybe for a little while,” Mom supplied. “We’ll just have to wait and see how he does. But his social worker put us in contact with a few therapists that she thinks can help, and we already made some calls while you guys were sleeping.” She looked at him and said carefully, “If you’re interested in that, too, we can-”

“No,” Otto answered immediately. “No, I don’t want t- I’m fine. I’m just worried about him.”

“So am I, honey. But they told us to just take it one day at a time,” Mom told him. “There’s not much research on people that have been through what Awsten’s been through, so we need to be patient and just try to be respectful of however he’s feeling.” She smiled at him. “I know you’re already very good at that job. But this is going to be… a little different.”

“Okay,” Otto responded softly.

The rest of dinner ran more normally; Otto talked a little about wondering when school would resume, but his parents told him that the news already reported that there would definitely be no classes the next day. He also wondered aloud about a funeral or a memorial or something and whether he would attend. He didn’t say it, but he thought that he probably would. Despite the nasty ending that morning, he and Michael had been friends.

Once the small family was done eating, all of them brought their dishes to the counter. But instead of excusing himself to do homework to get out of the chore, Otto wordlessly began helping his mom wash and dry. She smiled at him and pressed the button on the crackly, portable radio to turn the music back on.

Otto had forgotten how simple it was to lend a hand at the sink. The steam in the air was kind of nice, and the whole thing was done in less than four minutes. Mom seemed happy to have the help, too; she ran a loving hand over his cheek as they wrapped up. Otto closed the dishwasher, and a scream shattered the air.

The kitchen went dead silent, and then Mom bolted toward the staircase.

“AWSTEN?” came Dad’s voice from upstairs.

Otto hurried up to his bedroom after Mom. His heart was in his throat, and his hands were shaky. He stopped short in the doorway; it was still dark in the room, but Dad was leaning on the edge of Awsten’s bed, shaking his shoulder.

“Awsten, wake up,” he said firmly. “Wake up. You’re dreaming; it’s okay. Wake up.”

Mom turned the light on and kept Otto back.

Awsten’s eyes stayed closed. And then he screamed again. “NO!”

Otto turned away, into Mom’s neck, and pressed his lips tightly together. Please make it stop, please make it stop, please make it stop, he prayed. Mom hugged him close.

“Awsten,” Dad implored. “Awsten, son… come on, wake up. I need you to wake up.”

There was a stutter of breath and a sigh of relief, and Otto turned back around. Dad had pulled Awsten up to sit, and Awsten, who now had his eyes open, was resting limply against his chest. His gaze was unfocused, like he was still seeing whatever he’d been dreaming about that prompted his voice to come out all strangled like that.

Otto started toward him, but Mom held him back again. “Let him stay with Daddy,” she instructed, softly so that Awsten wouldn’t hear.

Otto just watched helplessly as Awsten tried to catch his breath and figure out where he was and what was going on.

Of course, Awsten’s only coping mechanism was to start rapidly speaking. “I wanted to go to creative writing club,” he babbled, still half-asleep. “It's Wednesday. I wanted to go to creative writing club with Mr. W and Emily. I was supposed to go. I liked it there. It was fun. I was even gonna make sure not to get detention so I wouldn't be late.”

Dad just held him and listened.

“But school stopped early, and it was my fault. We didn't get to go to writing club cause of me. He’s dead, and it’s my fault.”

“No,” Dad protested immediately.

“I tried to save him. I didn’t want him to do that; I told him not to. I told him to stop. And - and his face, there was a-” He broke off into a weak groan, turning to hide his eyes in Dad's shirt. “He ruined his whole face. His nose was-"

“Otto, come on, honey,” Mom murmured, speaking a little loudly so Otto didn’t hear the rest of Awsten’s sentence. He was almost glad when she led him out of the room. He didn’t think he wanted to hear what Awsten had to say.

Some time later, Mom coaxed Awsten downstairs and got him to eat the plate that she had tucked into the fridge for him. Otto sat beside him at the table, but Awsten didn’t seem interested in speaking anymore. He slowly chewed the food with an anxious, pained expression on his face, and soon after that, he disappeared back into Otto’s bedroom. Otto followed him there, too, watching as he began feigning sleep.

“I know you’re awake,” Otto told him, “but I’ll leave you alone if that’s what you want.”

Awsten didn’t move.

“Okay. Well, um, I love you. I’m gonna go see my mom and dad, okay?”

No response.

Otto headed to his parents’ room, where he knocked lightly on the door.

“Everything alright?” Mom asked as he peeked in.

“Yeah. Um, he got back in bed.”

“Is he asleep?”

“No, but he wanted to be alone. I… I wondered if I could stay with you guys for a little while.”

Both his parents smiled. “Of course,” Dad replied.

Just like when he was a kid, he climbed up the center of the bed and settled between their pillows. “What are you guys going to watch?”

“Well, we were debating. Mama wants to watch Wall-E. I think we should watch Finding Nemo. Care to be our tie-breaker?”

Otto raised his eyebrows at those choices. His parents were more the war movie type. “Um. Both sound good.”

“But doesn’t Wall-E sound better?” Mom asked, winking at him conspiratorially.

Otto shrugged. “I really don’t care.”

Dad eventually conceded, so Wall-E it was. Mom got up at one point to check on Awsten and, upon returning, stated that he was asleep. Otto had a feeling that he was still just faking, though. By the time the movie was over, Otto had made his decision - he was going to talk to his parents about what had happened that morning.

The credits began to roll, and Mom reached for the remote.

“I’m gonna get ready for bed,” Otto said, standing up and dismissing himself.

“Okay,” Mom smiled. She gave him a hug and three kisses. "I love you so much, my baby."

“Night, son,” Dad added.

"Night. I love you guys, too." Otto slipped into the hall and down to his dark bedroom. “Hey. You still up?” Otto asked, his voice a little scratchy.

Silence.

“Alright,” Otto sighed. He changed into a big t-shirt and pajama shorts and then turned in the direction of the lower bunk. “I’m gonna go back and talk to my parents for a little bit. We’re there if you need us, okay?” More silence. “I don't know if I'm sleeping there or in here. Is that cool? Like, if I stay there?"

Otto waited a few moments, thinking that his question might actually warrant a response, but apparently it didn't. He remembered that Mom said they needed to be patient with him and that he was going to be unpredictable for a little while. Otto tried to take Awsten's attempt at coping less personally. He went into the bathroom to brush his teeth, and when he emerged, he muttered,  "Love you, Aws. Night.”

Mom looked surprised when Otto walked back in. “Hey, my sweetie. I thought you were going to bed.”

“Can I talk to you guys?” he asked quietly.

“Course,” Dad replied while Mom answered, "Sure, honey," and then inquired, “About what?”

“Michael.”

The air in the room changed, but only slightly.

“Of course,” they answered together.

Otto nodded and slid back into his spot between them, but he slipped under the covers this time. His parents were quiet, watching and waiting, so he said, “When you guys are ready for bed.”

Mom moved quickly to the bathroom, and Otto heard the sink turn on in mere seconds. Dad, on the other hand, took his time.

Otto tried to imagine what it would be like to be a parent in this situation, and he felt a little bit bad for asking to talk about it, but he supposed that if he was a dad and his kid had been in a school shooting, as hard as it would be to hear, he’d probably be relieved that his kid wanted to talk about it at all.

Mom came back in a pajama set and snuggled in beside him, wrapping her arms around him for what felt like the hundredth time that day. Dad made his way into the room a few moments later, and Otto requested, “Can you turn the light off?”

Dad obliged.

“Okay. Um… I never told you guys this,” Otto started. “Remember that summer when Zack had the swim party in Somerset for his birthday? The summer before seventh grade?”

His eyes hadn’t adjusted to the new darkness yet, so he couldn’t see whether his parents had nodded, but he figured at least one of them had.

“Um, Awsten and me were hanging out there, but we’d been there all day, and he was tired cause that was when his parents disappeared for a whole month, and he didn't have any food left, so-”

“What?” Mom interrupted sharply.

Otto ignored her and kept going. “-he wanted to go home and rest, but I stayed cause you were coming at dinner time. I didn’t know if I could walk him home and be back by then, and I didn’t want you to worry… Anyway, I was tired, too, and I don’t really know why I didn’t take a break or something, but I guess I was having fun or not paying attention or something, because all of a sudden, I just couldn’t keep my head up anymore. I was in the deep end, and I kept going up and then sinking, going up and sinking, and I was scared, but I didn't want to say anything. I didn't want to be that kid, you know?" He bit his lip. "I was trying to get to the wall, but it kept getting worse, and eventually I just couldn't get myself back up." He swallowed. "I was underwater for so long that it started hurt, and -"

Otto fell silent, remembering the sharp line of pain that formed between his lungs. His chest burned fiercely as it begged for air. He'd never wanted anything so badly in his life as he did in that pool, just wanting - needing - air. 

"You know how you hear about when people are drowning, they kind of instinctively breathe in or whatever? I did that, so of course that made things ten times worse, because not only could I not breathe, but I had water in my lungs.”

“Otto,” Mom murmured, sounding horrified.

“And I was literally starting to like, lose my vision. Everything was going gray, and I was dizzy, and everything hurt. But then somebody grabbed me and pulled me up…” He shook his head, remembering the sweet, sweet taste of that first breath. His lungs had expanded impossibly far, and he couldn't help but gasp at the taste of the air he so desperately needed. All the pain immediately ceased. His arms shook, and he coughed wildly, and his chest trembled, but the pain was gone. Still, Otto's voice wobbled as he recalled why he was telling the story. “It was Michael. That pulled me out.”

The room was completely silent.

“He sat with me after, too. On the edge of the pool. He didn’t say anything, and I was like, freaking out and trying not to cry,” he reported, an embarrassed half-smile slipping onto his face. “He found my towel and brought it to me and didn’t tease me or anything. And he was…” He trailed off, his heart aching. 

“We were friends since elementary school, since he moved here, but we kinda stopped hanging out in fifth and sixth grade, but he - he didn’t even hesitate to step in. He saw me underwater and he realized something was wrong, and I don’t know what would have happened if he hadn’t done something. I couldn’t have done anything to help myself. Nothing like that had ever happened to me. And it’s never happened since.” Otto swallowed. “I was so embarrassed. I never told anybody; not even Awsten knows. I knew he would blame himself, so.”

The events of the morning hit him all at once, and he scrunched his body up, bursting into tears. “And now he’s dead! Why would he do that?”

His parents, who had been remarkably still through Otto’s story, suddenly both had hands on him, holding him as he cried.

“He's my friend,” he sobbed. “H-how did this happen? Why would he bring a gun to school?”

“I don’t know,” Mom whispered. Otto could hear tears in her voice, too.

“He was gonna kill me?" Otto asked incredulously, shaking his head. "He was nice. Or I thought he was." He swiped angrily at his tears. "I just don't get it. I don't get it. Why didn’t we know? I sat in class with him every day for the last, like, twelve years! How did none of us know?!”

“That's not on you,” Dad assured.

“He could have killed everyone, which is scary enough, but he really almost killed Awsten,” Otto realized, crying harder. “He almost killed Awsten. He almost killed Awsten.”

Dad's voice was steady. “Awsten is alive. You’re alive. It’s okay.”

"You don't understand," Otto repeated urgently. "He almost killed Awsten, and then I..." He stopped, not even wanting to entertain the thought of having to face the world without his best friend. He couldn’t bear to finish that sentence. 

He also knew that Awsten could probably hear him, but Otto was too upset to try to stop. He needed this. He'd been in a lockdown, texting his parents that he loved them so much and that he had always looked up to them, was always happy to see them, and that he hoped that he could see them again. And he'd been granted that mercy, but the happiness had quickly turned to terror again as he realized that Awsten was missing and had possibly been shot. Alex had relayed the information about the coffee tray and Awsten's absence with bloodshot eyes, and Otto wound up breaking through the police tape to run to his blood-soaked best friend who'd just witnessed a violent suicide. Awsten's teeth had been chattering even though it was seventy-two degrees. After that, Otto had waited for hours in a hard, plastic chair in a chilly police station only to go home feeling more confused and shut out than ever. 

And Michael was dead. Awsten was traumatized, and Otto was terrified, and Michael was dead. And no one knew why.

Otto turned over, finding comfort in the safety of his father’s strong arms. Dad kissed his head as Mom rubbed his back. He could hear her crying, too. In between them, Otto sobbed until his head ached.

Chapter Text

Emergency Faculty Meeting
March 6, 11:52 AM

“Look at this,” John murmured solemnly, sliding the newspaper across the table.

“I do not wish to see it. I cannot read it again. I can’t even think about it again.”

“Geoff, just look. You really need to see this.”

Geoff sighed, dragging the paper toward himself. He looked down, and there, splashed across on the front page, taking up nearly all of the space above the fold, was a black and white picture of Geoff… and Awsten.

English teacher Geoff Wigington comforts a student after the early morning shooting at Lakeview High School, the caption read.

Geoff brushed a hand over his mouth as he somberly took in the photograph. It must have been snapped mere seconds after Awsten had sprinted through the courtyard to get to him. Awsten looked so small, pressed into Geoff’s chest with his whole face buried in Geoff’s button-down. To an outsider, the image would look just like any other picture taken in the wake of a tragedy, but for Geoff, seeing the snapshot made his stomach twist. He knew the details of it: the way Awsten’s front was covered in red, the quiet anxiety attack that made Awsten tremble, the way Awsten’s bloody hands dug into Geoff’s back over and over as if he could somehow force himself closer to draw more comfort…

Geoff hoped, for the millionth time, that Awsten was alright. His mind drifted to the faces of all the students in his class right after the gunshot rang out. More than twenty-four hours had passed, and he hadn’t been able to get those frightened expressions out of his head. Seeing Maddie upset had been one thing, but watching Cassadee cry had been another. And he would never in a million years forget trying to coax Alex out of the building and past the spilled coffee on the ground.

When Geoff finally looked up at John, who was sipping quietly at his tea, he had tears in his eyes.

John must have noticed them, because he inquired, “How are you holding up?”

Geoff attempted a smile as he slid the paper back to his friend. “I… Frankly, I am not sure. How are you faring?”

“Not great. I didn’t get any sleep,” John admitted. “Not a single minute.”

Geoff nodded. “I only managed two hours.”

"Well, there's a rumor going around that the school will be closed til Monday, so we'll have time to rest." Geoff was quiet, so John continued,  “How was the, um. You never texted me back. How was the police station?”

“I sat with Awsten while he gave his testimony.”

John’s eyebrows shot up. “No shit.”

“He told the officers that he refused to give it without me - or at least that is what I was told,” Geoff sighed. “Otto’s father was present as well. And Awsten didn’t shed a single tear; he recounted his morning almost as though it had happened to someone else, which I found to be a bit dist-”

“Alright, may I have your attention, everyone?” came a voice.

Geoff glanced over at the headmaster, who had stepped up to the front of the oversized room.

“I know we’re a little early, but everyone’s here, so I’m going to go ahead and get started so we can all get out of here earlier. I’d like to begin with a moment of silence for Michael Howard.” Someone snorted, and the woman’s eyes snapped up. “Regardless of what happened yesterday, he is no longer with us. I understand that this meeting will be difficult, but if you are going to be disrespectful, I ask that you leave.”

No one budged.

Geoff understood the controversy behind the gesture, but secretly, he was glad that Michael’s death was being acknowledged. That had been just as hard for him to try to wrap his head around as the events leading up to it.

Geoff bowed his head and took the time to push away the image of the gloomy, silent boy who sat in his class every day and instead remember how brightly Michael smiled one of the few times Geoff noticed him laughing.

It felt wrong, remembering him happy, but it also felt wrong not to.

Geoff’s blue eyes filled with tears again. What the hell had gone wrong that led to this? Geoff should have noticed that something was off. He saw the child every day; he should have stopped this. He should have been paying more attention. 

He sent a silent prayer to… well, he wasn’t sure he believed in God, especially not now, so he directed it to the universe. Whatever forces were out there would hear him. If anything was listening, at least.

“Thank you all for coming today. I know that yesterday was a terrible day, not just for the students, but for the entire community and for all of us as well. I also wanted to thank you for what a superb job you all did handling your classes during the lockdown. It went much more smoothly than I would have anticipated.”

It went much more smoothly than Geoff would have anticipated, too. There had been no time to panic, so each of Geoff's emotions had been shoved into a box and completely closed. Some instinct that had been locked inside of him took over, and his only focus was keeping those children out of harm’s way.

For the rest of the meeting, Geoff paid as much attention as he could. The tiredness coupled with how upset he was feeling was a bad combination, though. He wanted to go home and see his cat, not sit here and listen to the police chief speak about gun violence or hear about the school’s policy on giving interviews. His ears only perked up when Annie Harrison started listing the resources that would be available to the school community. Lakeview High would reportedly have more counselors on staff for a few days, and there would be workshops for the teachers on coping with the loss of students and learning how to recognize warning signs of anxiety and depression in teenagers. Geoff made mental notes of those dates and times.

Finally, the rumor about Monday was confirmed, and the meeting drew to a close. Geoff barely said goodbye to John before he disappeared out the door, headed for the parking lot. He didn’t touch the stereo, just as he hadn’t that morning or at all the day before. He usually kept a Civil Wars CD on as background noise nearly everywhere he drove, but for the past 27 hours, he hadn’t felt like listening to anything other than silence.

He wasn’t even halfway through the trip when he lost his composure, but he didn’t stop driving. He just wanted to get home.

Petekey Memorial Hospital
March 6, 1:01 PM

“Hi,” the man said.

Awsten glanced up at him and then back down.

“You must be Awsten. My name’s Rian.” He took a seat next to Awsten and Mrs. Wood in the waiting room. “Could I borrow you for a few minutes?”

Awsten, who had his arms crossed tightly over his chest, didn't move.

Rian wasn’t put off. “Yeah, I thought you might say that. Here’s the thing, though - we don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to talk about.”

Awsten glanced at him again, not believing him.

Rian held his hands up. “I promise. If you wanna just tell me about your hair and don’t want to say anything else, you don’t have to. We can just talk about your hair. Which is very cool, by the way. I like it.”

Awsten stayed still.

“Go on, sweetie,” Mrs. Wood encouraged softly.

“Hey, not to sound creepy, but I’ve got candy back there,” Rian admitted. “And honestly, I’m just gonna keep saying things to try to get you back to my office anyway, so if you wanna make this easier for both of us, you’re welcome to come on back. Do you like Pokémon?”

Awsten shook his head.

There was more quiet, and Rian pulled out his phone. A few texts chimed, and then he asked, “Awsten, how do you feel about dogs?”

Awsten tried not to react, but he couldn’t help the way his eyes brightened. He hadn’t seen a dog in so long…

“There’s a therapy dog here today, and Grace said she’d be happy to stop by my office so you can see him.” Awsten got right to his feet, and Rian laughed happily. “Alright, cool, cool. I’ll tell her to bring him over.”

Awsten followed Rian a short ways down a hall to a half-lit room. Awsten walked in and turned in a slow circle; it was a big space, but it still felt cozy somehow. There were white Christmas lights lining the walls, rich, colorful tapestries decorating the ceiling, and vanilla candles on the side table. Most interestingly, Rian had covered his desk and bookshelves with all sorts of little trinkets. Harry Potter, Disney, Pokémon like he’d mentioned, and some that Awsten didn’t recognize.

“Have a seat wherever you like,” Rian told him. “Grace will be here in a few minutes, so we can chat until then.”

Awsten pressed himself back into the far corner of the couch and grabbed a pillow to hold in his lap.

“Awsten did you sleep okay last night?” Rian asked curiously. “You look pretty tired.”

Awsten shrugged.

“Alright. Um, do you wanna tell me a little about yourself?”

Awsten just looked at him.

“I can go first if you want,” Rian offered.

Awsten nodded.

“Well, my name is Rian. I just moved to Houston last year; I’m formerly from Baltimore. I like music and going to the beach.” He smiled encouragingly. “Your turn.”

Awsten cleared his throat, but his voice still came out sounding weak. “I’m Awsten. I always lived here. And I like… dogs.”

Rian smiled. “Me, too. Do you have one?”

Awsten shook his head.

“You wanna see a picture of mine?”

Awsten nodded.

Rian pulled his phone back out, swiped his finger across the screen a few times, and then passed it to Awsten so he could see the little French bulldog.

“What’s its name?” Awsten asked.

“Cuppy.”

“Cuppy?” Awsten echoed.

Rian shrugged one shoulder. “I didn’t pick it. Um, what else should I know about you?”

“Nothing,” he replied as he handed the phone back.

“Well, what would your best friend say about you?”

“That I talk too much.”

Rian laughed. “Yeah?”

“And that I’m weird.”

“Everybody’s weird.”

“Maybe.”

“So what kind of weird are you?” Rian inquired. “Are you really-good-at-video-games weird? Or reading-books-all-the-time weird? What kind of weird?”

“I go to the lake a lot,” Awsten murmured, not directly answering Rian's question. “I'm from Lakeview, and there's a lake.”

“Oh, that sounds great. I have a client from Lakeview who likes the outdoors, but I haven't heard them mention a local lake.”

Awsten smiled before he could stop himself. “Yeah. That’s my favorite thing about it. Nobody ever goes.”

“Is that your hangout spot?”

Awsten nodded. “I go there all the time. Just by myself.”

“That’s really cool,” Rian decided. “I like that.”

“Me, too.”

“Anything else you wanna tell me?”

Awsten shrugged.

“Okay. Then let me ask you this. Can you list five people for me that love you?”

Awsten quirked an eyebrow.

“I know it sounds strange,” Rian admitted, “but just humor me. Five people that root for you, that love you like crazy.”

“Otto,” Awsten answered immediately.

“Okay,” Rian said, jotting Otto’s name down. “Tell me a little about Otto.”

“He’s my best friend. We grew up together, and we’ve always been in the same grade at the same school… I’m living with him right now, actually. His parents got a foster license so they could take care of me a couple years ago. That way I wouldn’t have to get placed with strangers. Um, you can put them on the list, too.”

“Otto and Otto’s parents,” Rian murmured as he wrote. “Was that Otto’s mom that brought you here?”

“Yeah.”

"And this family - you trust them?"

Awsten nodded.

“Alright. That’s great, Awsten, you’re doing great. That’s three already. Can you give me two more?”

Awsten thought for a moment. “My English teacher,” he remembered.

“Okay,” Rian nodded, writing again. “What’s your teacher's name?”

“We just call him Mr. W.”

“Cool. Why does he make the list?”

“He’s, um. He’s just really been there, I guess. I had a bad couple weeks, and I yelled at him, but he didn’t get mad. Well - he did get a little mad. But he didn’t hate me or decide I’m a bad person like everybody else does. I told him I was sorry later and he accepted my apology. Nothing changed between us.”

Rian nodded as he made a short note. “He sounds like a good person,” he observed.

“He is.”

“Do you trust him?” Rian asked carefully.

“Yeah, actually,” Awsten slowly answered, “I do. I don’t trust, like, anybody at school other than Otto, but I trust him.”

“Why?”

Awsten’s stomach twisted as he remembered the terrified look on Mr. W’s face in the courtyard and the way Mr. W had practically melted in relief the second he spotted Awsten. He swallowed thickly. “Cause he cares. About me.”

“Tell me more about that.”

Quietly, Awsten explained, “Um, I was crying in his classroom a couple weeks ago, cause - well, you can’t see the bruise anymore, but my dad gave me a black eye.” He smiled tightly. “And I didn’t want to talk about it, but I was still pretty upset about it, I guess, cause I was crying. I couldn’t help it. It was really early, way before school was supposed to start, so it was just me and him. And he asked me what had happened, but I didn’t want to tell him, and he didn’t try to make me talk about it. He went and got the book we were reading for class and just started reading to me. For like, almost an hour. After, he had to report what had happened, you know? Since I got hurt. But I wasn’t mad, and he actually came to the police station with me to make sure I was okay. He read to me for a long time there, too. And he came to the police station with me yesterday, too. We didn’t have time for him to get a book before we left, though.”

Awsten silently kicked himself for bringing up the shooting, but luckily, Rian didn’t seem interested in that yet.

“And what about your fifth person?”

Before Awsten could answer, there was a curt knock at the door. “Special deliiiiveryyyy!” a girl sang.

“Is that the dog?” Awsten asked Rian hopefully.

“That’s definitely Grace,” Rian smiled as he set his notepad down, “and she’s the one with the dog.” He got up and crossed the room to open the door.

Standing in the hall was a pink-haired girl with a nose ring who was accompanied by a curly, tan, short-haired poodle. The dog had its tongue lolling out, which made it look like he was smiling. Awsten liked it instantly.

“Hi!” the girl chirped.

“Hey,” Rian greeted, “come on in.” Grace and the dog entered the room, and Rian closed the door behind them. He leaned down, scratched behind the dog’s ears, and cooed, “I was hoping I’d get to see you today.”

The girl laughed. “You and everybody else in the whole hospital! Godfrey’s our little celebrity.” She turned to Awsten. “You’re not supposed to tell me your name,” she informed him, “but I’m Grace, and this is my buddy Godfrey.” She led the dog over to where Awsten was sitting. “You can pet him if you want.”

Awsten reached out to stroke the top of Godfrey’s head, and before he fully realized what he was doing, he was kneeling on the carpet so he could reach the dog better. “He has a name tag,” Awsten observed softy.

“Yep! If you flip it over, he has an ID photo, too,” Grace laughed. She let go of the leash as she took a spot on the other end of the couch, and Rian settled back into his chair. They started chatting, not actively excluding Awsten but also letting him be so he could enjoy his time with the dog.

“Your hair feels like a carpet,” Awsten murmured to the dog, softly enough to be sure that the other two people wouldn’t hear him. “You’re a big rug with big ears. I like you.”

A door banged shut in the hallway, and Awsten’s world seemed to tip sideways. One moment, he was fine, focused entirely on the dog, and the next, he was being bombarded with a hundred different memories of Michael, bleeding, oozing, his jaw hanging loose. Awsten’s hand trembled hard, and he took a hold of Godfrey’s side, sure to be gentle.

Before Awsten could stop the thoughts, his breathing quickened, and he started to get the sense that the walls were closing in. His fingers tightened slightly on the dog’s hair. He hoped that he wasn’t making any noise; the rushing blood in his ears was too loud for him to tell.

The dog, sensing that something was going on, stepped forward into Awsten’s space and sat down, alert. Awsten’s arms automatically rose to wrap around his neck, and he nuzzled his face into the dog as well. The room fell quiet, and Awsten squeezed his eyes shut hard to keep from crying. He didn’t know where the sudden flood of memories had come from - just that it was there, and that it was overwhelming. He couldn’t stop seeing all that fucking blood in the grass, the blood on his own hands, the blood pooled in Michael's mouth, staining his teeth red…

“You okay?” Rian checked.

Awsten nodded into the curly fur.

The dog sat still, waiting patiently for Awsten’s heart stop pounding so wildly. As he waited, he turned his head slightly to lick at Awsten’s ear, almost as if to reassure him.

“Godfrey,” Grace chastised softly.

The room stayed quiet for another minute while Awsten regained control of his breathing. Once he felt okay again, he sat up slightly.

“You okay, babe?” Grace asked, her concern clear in her voice.

Awsten nodded, and Godfrey settled his top half into Awsten’s lap. Awsten smiled tiredly in spite of himself and gave the animal some gentle scratches on the neck. Godfrey lightly wagged his tail.

The air in the room seemed to relax, and after several seconds, Rian and Grace began their conversation again. 

Awsten was just starting to feel like himself again when Grace glanced at her watch. “I’ve only got two more minutes til I have to leave, okay?”

Awsten nodded. He spent the rest of the time in silence, petting the dog and scratching him behind the ears and wishing that he didn’t have to go. But eventually the time came, and Awsten kissed his head and murmured a quiet goodbye. Godfrey just wagged at Awsten and followed Grace out the door.

“They’re the best, huh?” Rian asked as he shut the door behind them.

“Uh-huh,” Awsten replied as he climbed back up onto the couch and smushed the pillow into his chest.

“If you decide to come back, I can see if she can bring him again. They come most days.”

“That’s her job? She gets to bring a dog to see people?”

“Well, I don’t think they pay her,” Rian thought aloud, his eyebrows knitting together as he tried to remember. “I’m pretty sure she’s just a volunteer.”

“Wow.”

Rian nodded. “Yep. And Godfrey is her dog, actually. Grace has a really interesting story. If you ask her about how she got started doing the therapy animal thing, she’ll probably tell you.” Rian settled back into his chair and picked his notebook back up. “Now… where were we?”

“I don’t have a fifth person,” Awsten blurted.

Rian looked up at him.

“I was thinking about it a little while Godfrey was here, and I just have four.” He looked down, disappointed in himself. He hoped Rian wouldn’t be mad at him, too. “I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s okay, Awsten,” Rian assured. “Five is just the number we aim for. Four is still really good. Some people don’t even have one.” At the sad look on Awsten’s face, Rian gave him a small smile. “Everybody has a different starting point.”

Awsten thought bleakly about his own starting point. He may have had four people on his list, but he’d had a pretty rough couple weeks. Though he supposed a lot of people had it worse.

“If it’s okay,” Rian began, “I wanted to ask you about what just happened a minute ago. Has that happened before?”

“What?”

“Your anxiety attack. Has that happened before?”

Awsten blinked. “I didn’t have an anxiety attack.”

Rian used his pen to motion to the carpet. “I saw you,” he said softly.

“No, that wasn’t a…” Anxiety attacks - were they the same as panic attacks? - were unmistakable, right? Hyperventilating and crying and all that?

“Did the door scare you?”

Slowly, Awsten nodded.

“What was going on in your mind after you heard the noise?”

Awsten gulped. “I… I saw what happened yesterday,” he whispered.

“And what happened yesterday? You can say as much or as little as you want.”

Before he spoke, Awsten took a moment to figure out how to define what he'd witnessed. “Michael Howard brought a gun to school. He shot himself.”

“I’m so sorry,” Rian murmured.

He knew already - of course he knew already. Otto's parents had to have told him before they agreed to bring Awsten to see him. But his tone was so sincere that Awsten thought for a second that he’d caught the therapist off guard.

“There’s something I… want to talk about,” Awsten admitted. “Everyone keeps making me stop every time I bring it up, but it’s really, really fucking with me.”

“This is a safe place. You can talk about anything in here." At Awsten's skeptical expression, he assured, "Anything." 

“Are you sure?”

“I’m positive.”

“Okay. Then I… I want to talk about what he looked like after he fired the gun.”

Chapter Text

Otto's House
March 9, 7:02 PM

“Hey, Awsten. I’m so sorry I couldn’t fit you in today.”

“That’s okay.” Awsten hadn’t needed the session anyway; Otto’s parents had realized that morning that it might be good for Awsten to have someone walk him through returning to school, but Rian’s weekends were apparently always booked wall-to-wall, and today was no exception.

“How are you feeling?”

“Okay,” he replied emptily.

“Yeah?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Good, good. I’m glad to hear that. Um, listen, I wanted to check in cause I was wondering how you felt about going back to school tomorrow. If you’re not comfortable, I’d be happy to write you a note so you can wait until you're ready.”

“Oh, no, that’s okay,” Awsten repeated softly, fighting a yawn. “Thanks, though.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’m sure. I’m getting kinda bored.”

Awsten could hear the smile in Rian’s voice as he replied, “Alright. Is there anything about it you’re looking forward to?”

“Seeing my friend Alex. And going to my English class.”

“Oh yeah, with Mr. W, right?”

“Yep.”

“Good, Awsten, that’s great. I’m sure they’ll be glad to see you, too. Um, did Otto’s mom give you my number?”

“It’s on the fridge,” Awsten nodded. He glanced over to the business card clipped to the refrigerator beside his A paper for Mr. W and Otto’s latest A history test.

“Okay. Anything happens tomorrow, you just text me. Doesn’t have to be a big thing, even. If you get anxious or upset or you just want to talk, you let me know, and I'll get back to you as quick as I can, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Awsten echoed, pulling his eyes away from the schoolwork.

“Alright, then. Anything else?”

“Nope.”

“Okay then. I’ll see you soon. Hang in there, alright?”

“Okay.”

“Bye, Awsten. Good luck.”

“Thanks. Bye.”

Awsten passed Otto’s mom’s cell phone back to her and dropped his chin into his hand. She ran a hand over his hair, something that, over the past few days, Awsten had stopped trying to ignore and instead let himself lean into.

“That was short,” she observed.

Awsten nodded and folded his arms on the counter. He used them as a pillow when she stopped touching his head.

“You sure you want to go back, baby? You don’t have to if you’re not ready.”

“I’m sure,” he replied, the words muffled in his oversized sweater. He stayed there until dinner was ready, which was when he slowly climbed down from the stool and got some glasses from the cabinet even though he hadn’t been asked. He set them on the table, still empty, and then sat down in his chair.

Otto and his dad came in from working outside, Otto trailing behind his father, and before Otto was even halfway through the room to the sink, Awsten had reached out and grabbed his sleeve. Awsten didn’t have any words, but he knew that Otto would be able to read the apology in his eyes.

Otto looked expressionlessly from Awsten’s hand to his face. “What?” he asked blankly.

Maybe not.

Awsten dropped Otto’s sleeve and retreated to the table.

Dinner was quiet, and Awsten, who had been surviving on little bursts of two and three hours of sleep here and there, was practically nodding off by the time it was done. Otto stayed to help with the dishes, but at Otto’s parents’ encouragement, Awsten went upstairs to rest.

As Awsten was heading down the hall a few moments later, a pillow tucked under one arm and a blanket draped over the other, Otto came up the steps.

“What are you doing?” Otto asked quizzically.

Awsten stopped walking and turned toward him. “I… I was going to the guest room.”

Otto shook his head. “Don’t.”

The pair stood still in the hall for several seconds, just staring at each other. Finally, Awsten couldn’t take it anymore, and he looked down at his bare feet. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Otto asked evenly.

Awsten shrugged, a bit of shame seeping into his chest. “Cutting you off.” He glanced up, and Otto was looking upset and biting his bottom lip.

“Come on,” Otto muttered. “Let’s talk.”

Awsten followed Otto into their bedroom, and Otto closed the door behind them. He sat down at the foot of Awsten’s bed, and Awsten took a seat beside him, dropping the blanket on the carpet but letting the pillow rest across his lap. He fiddled with the pillowcase as he spoke. “Nobody wants me to talk to you.”

“Yeah, but what about what I want?” Otto responded immediately. “Did you ever think about that?”

Awsten let out a quiet breath. “I mean, yeah. Kinda.”

“Kinda? What did you think I’d want?”

Awsten shrugged.

“Well, what do you want?”

Awsten shrugged again.

Otto dragged his fingers down his face. “Awsten. Look, I may not have been with you when it happened, but I’ve been there every minute before and every minute after, our whole lives. Is that true?”

“Y… yes,” Awsten whispered, even more ashamed.

“So why would now be any different?”

“This is… bigger.”

“I don’t care.”

Awsten looked down. “I do.”

Otto was stunned. He opened and closed his mouth a few times. “What did they say to you?” he finally demanded. “My parents, the doctors, the police - what did they say to you? Did they make you sign something?”

“No. They didn’t say anything. I just - you don’t know what I saw, okay? You don’t know what-”

“Because you won’t fucking tell me!” Otto cried. He got to his feet and stalked several feet away, stopping with his arms crossed and his back to Awsten. “No one’s telling me fucking anything. Mom and Dad won’t let me watch the news, so all I know is what I’m getting from my phone, but even the internet’s keeping quiet, Awsten. No one’s said a word about you. All they say is that Michael is dead because he killed himself, but they don’t even say his name, and I don’t know how to help you when I don’t know what happened. But it doesn’t matter, apparently, because we got out of the car on Wednesday, and you wouldn’t even look at me. You haven't looked at me since. Not really.”

Silently, Awsten stood and took a few steps toward where Otto was.

“Mom said you’d come around, but it’s been four days, Awsten,” Otto added, his frustration palpable. “You won’t talk to me, you avoid me… you spend more time with my parents than you do with me, and we sleep in the same room. Or at least, I sleep. I hear you wake up all…” Otto waved his arm at the window, at a loss for the word he was searching for. "It’s not a secret, even if you’ve gotten good at getting it under control. You can’t keep going like this, and neither can I. So if you don't want to be friends anymore, then fine, let’s just go ahead and say we're n-”

Cautiously, Awsten wrapped one arm around Otto’s stomach and the other over his chest.

As if all the fight had suddenly left Otto, he deflated and fell silent. Awsten let his chin rest on Otto’s shoulder as Otto took a few slow breaths in and out.

With no warning, Otto whipped around in Awsten’s grasp and threw his arms around Awsten’s neck. Awsten held him tightly.

“Stop shutting me out,” Otto commanded.

“Okay,” Awsten whispered back.

Otto sighed, letting his body press into Awsten’s. “I know you think you’re alone in this, and I know I wasn’t there for the worst part, but I was scared, too.” He shut his eyes. “I was scared, too.”

Awsten didn’t know what to say. He’d been so wrapped up in himself that he’d barely thought about what Otto had gone through - that morning or in the days after. “I heard you crying,” he started, but Otto didn’t hear him over his own words.

“We thought you were dead,” he choked out. “Me and Alex and my parents. Mr. W, too, I think. We all thought you were dead. And that fucked me up just as much as being in the lockdown.” Otto pulled back, and, for the first time in years, Awsten was faced with Otto’s watery eyes and the tears streaming down from them. “When Alex was leaving Mr. W’s room, he saw- did you leave and go get coffee that morning?”

Awsten nodded.

“It was on the floor in the hallway when Alex left. The coffee. And a giant spill. That was all we knew. That, and that somebody had probably been shot. And I just thought that maybe somehow your parents had-”

“My parents?” Awsten echoed.

“I thought they came to school to hurt you,” Otto explained sadly, wiping at his cheeks. “And I thought you were dead. For like three entire minutes, I thought you were dead, Awsten. Do you know what that felt like? Do you-?” Otto cut himself off, bursting into tears all over again and pulling Awsten back to him. “I kinda don’t even care that you’ve been acting like a dick, cause I know you’re fucked up, but I mostly don’t care cause this is a thousand times better than you being dead.”

“My parents?” Awsten repeated, bewildered.

“I didn’t know!” Otto snapped, but he didn’t let go. “I was panicked, okay? Anything could have happened! I just - you’re my brother.” He swallowed and then repeated, “You’re my brother. I couldn’t… I can’t lose you.”

Awsten squeezed him. “You’re my brother, too.”

Otto nodded.

“And I’m sorry.”

“Good,” Otto said shortly. He pulled back and dragged his sleeve under his eyes. “Cause, honestly? I fucking hate this. This whole not-talking-to-you thing.”

“I hate it too,” Awsten murmured, but he wasn’t sure whether the words were true. He’d only been keeping quiet in an attempt to protect Otto, just like everyone else.

“Can you please tell me what happened?” Otto begged. “Please. I’m going crazy not knowing. I - I won’t tell anyone you told me, I promise. I just need to know the truth. Michael is… He was my friend, you know? It’s fucked up - it’s so fucked up what he did, especially to you, but he was my friend.”

“I don’t know…”

“Please,” Otto repeated. “School is tomorrow. I don’t want to go back not knowing anything.”

Awsten gave him a long look. He looked tired and pale. He looked… somehow, Otto looked like he’d gotten older over the weekend, but Awsten supposed he probably appeared that way as well. He dropped his shoulders. “Fine,” he sighed.

Otto nodded gratefully. “Okay.”

“Where do you wanna-”

“Where’s the only place we ever tell secrets?” Otto asked softly. He walked to the closet and tossed Awsten a jacket. “Get your shoes. Let’s go.”

Room 121
March 10, 8:00 AM

“Good morning,” Geoff murmured from the front of the room.

Six wide-eyed teenagers stared back at him.

“We are going to proceed with first period a bit differently today. A few of you emailed me wondering about homework, but there wasn’t any, so please do not worry about that. I am very sorry that I was unable to respond to you.” He swallowed. “Ms. Harrison is here,” Geoff noted, glancing over to where the counselor was seated, “and what we will do today is have an open discussion, and you will be allowed to speak if you like. You are not required to, of course, but the administration thought that this might be of some help since we all experienced this together.”

“Where’s Awsten?” Alex interrupted.

Geoff gave him a sad smile. “I do not know.”

Alex nodded, but he still looked anxious.

Geoff had, of course, wanted all of his students to make it to class on Monday, but he wasn’t expecting Awsten to be there. Hoping, perhaps. But not expecting.

It was strange, though, having it suddenly be notable that Awsten wasn’t on time. He was the most chronically late student that Geoff had encountered in his three years of teaching, and quite honestly, Geoff hadn’t taken much note of him during the beginning of the year. He’d heard about Awsten Knight and the way he seemed to spend every day after school in detention. Geoff had begun to wonder whether it was intentional, especially with the way that Awsten so obviously wanted Geoff to write him up. It seemed that every week, Awsten had conceived a new strategy to use in an attempt to land himself in hot water. But later it all made sense.

“You can talk about anything,” Annie offered, ending the awkward pause. “And if you want to talk with me privately, we can do that later, too.”

“But you are not required to share if you don’t wish to,” Geoff repeated. “That is fine, too. Whatever you need.”

Taylor hesitantly raised her hand. “I have something,” she murmured.

“Yes, Taylor,” Geoff nodded, afraid of what she might say but also relieved that one of the students had wanted to say anything at all. He had been fairly sure they’d all be sitting in silence for the entire class period, although he figured that if that happened, he would just read to them. That had proved immeasurably comforting to Awsten; it would likely be the same for some of the others, as well.

“I wanted to say thank you,” Taylor said softly. “I know I was really scared, but you weren’t. You were really brave. And you said you were going to keep us safe, and I’ve been thinking about that all weekend.” She forced her eyes up off of her desk and looked at Geoff. “I know that when crazy stuff is happening, people say a lot of things. They say whatever they think will make things better. But... I believed you.” Her volume dropped. “I still believe you.”

The other students nodded in agreement.

Geoff’s eyes filled with tears, but he didn’t turn away. He had read online over the weekend that it was good for children to see that adults had emotions, too, so he just wiped at his eyes and nodded. “I meant it,” he replied softly.

“Can I hug you?” Taylor asked, and Geoff let out a little laugh.

“Yes, you may.”

She got up from her desk and crossed the room to put her arms around him. “Thanks, Mr. W,” she whispered.

He hugged her tightly for a moment and then let go. “You are most welcome.”

She returned to her seat, and Alex raised his hand.

“Alex.”

“I just can’t believe he did it,” Alex mumbled. He looked first at Geoff and then at Annie, and finally, he cast his gaze down to his hands, which he folded on top of his notebook. “I want to ask him what he was going to do, like if he was gonna come in here and hurt us.”

Geoff had been wondering the same thing.

“And if he was, why? And if he wasn’t… what was his plan? And - and how did I sit in here all year with him and not know - about any of this?”

“It’s not your fault,” Annie said firmly. “Any of you.”

“But we spent all this time with him,” Maddie countered softly.

Heartbrokenly, Chloe added, “I never really talked to him. I never tried to be nice to him or even, like, said more than hi. I should have. Maybe that could have stopped it and he'd be here right now.”

Geoff felt like his heart was cleaving in two. He was glad Annie was in the room to help him walk his students through this, because had he been required to open his mouth, he was entirely sure that he would have cried. He took slow, deep breaths through his nose and focused on the fact that no one else had been hurt. Emotionally, yes. But not physically. Michael could have done catastrophic damage; there could have been a lot more parents without children that morning.

Ten more minutes of Annie insisting that the class wasn’t responsible for what happened passed before the students all seemed done talking and a tense silence fell. 

“Well,” Geoff began tentatively, “if you would like to focus on something else now, I would be happy to read to you.”

Some of the class nodded.

“I know that the novel is a bit sad-”

“It helps,” Cassadee interrupted. As soon as the words left her mouth, she blushed bright red. “Um, I kind of... read the whole thing last week. After it happened. And it… helped.”

Geoff gave her a small smile. “I am glad to hear that.” Cassadee hadn't spoken at all during the discussion, and neither had Zack, but it was reassuring for Geoff to hear that Cassadee had found some peace on her own.

She nodded and sank a little in her seat.

Geoff opened the book, and Annie said to him, “Just call if you guys need me, yeah?”

He nodded. “Thank you.”

Eddie saw nothing of his final moment on earth, nothing of the pier or the crowd or the shattered fiberglass cart.

In the stories about life after death, the soul often floats above the good-bye moment, hovering over police cars at highway accidents, or clinging like a spider to hospital-room ceilings. These are people who receive a second chance, who somehow, for some reason, resume their place in the world.

Eddie, it appeared, was not getting a second chance.

WHERE . . . ? Where . . . ? Where . . . ?

The sky was a misty pumpkin shade, then a deep turquoise, then a bright lime. Eddie was floating, and his arms were still extended.

Where . . . ?

The tower cart was falling. He remembered that. The little girl—Amy? Annie?—she was crying. He remembered that. He remembered lunging. He remembered hitting the platform. He felt her two small hands in his.

Then what?

Did I save her?

Eddie could only picture it at a distance, as if it happened years ago. Stranger still, he could not feel any emotions that went with it. He could only feel calm, like a child in the cradle of its mother's arms.

Where . . . ?

The sky around him changed again, to grapefruit yellow, then a forest green, then a pink that Eddie momentarily associated with, of all things, cotton candy.

Did I save her?

Did she live?

Where . . .

. . . is my worry?

Where is my pain?

That was what was missing. Every hurt he'd ever suffered, every ache he'd ever endured—it was all as gone as an expired breath. He could not feel agony. He could not feel sadness. His consciousness felt smoky, wisplike, incapable of anything but calm. Below him now, the colors changed again. Something was swirling. Water. An ocean. He was floating over a vast yellow sea. Now it turned melon. Now it was sapphire. Now he began to drop, hurtling toward the surface. It was faster than anything he'd ever imagined, yet there wasn't as much as a breeze on his face, and he felt no fear. He saw the sands of a golden shore.

Then he was under water.

Then everything was silent.

Where is my worry?

Where is my pain?

Teacher’s Lounge
March 10, 9:02 AM

Annie came flying into the room, startling both Geoff and John, who were seated in their usual chairs at the wooden table but not speaking. It seemed that first period had been difficult for both of them.

“I need your help,” Annie said urgently.

“What’s wrong?” John asked.

“Awsten Knight is missing again. Otto Wood brought him to school, and I confirmed with Otto’s parents that he should be here. Mr. Wood saw them get in the car together this morning. And he said that Awsten talked with a therapist last night and told him that he wanted to come back today.”

“How can we help?” Geoff asked.

“I need you two to split up. Go check the bathrooms, the stairwells, anywhere you can think of that he might be.”

She was so frantic that Geoff was seriously worried. “Is there anything else we should know?”

“Like what?”

“Alex Gaskarth mentioned to me once that he was concerned that Awsten might have been considering harming himself. Do you believe that h-”

“I don’t know,” Annie replied, shaking her head, “but let’s go now. Let’s go now.”

Geoff left his still-steaming tea on the table and headed straight out of the room. He caught Alex, who was leaving the bathroom and was presumably on the way to his statistics class.

“Did Miss Harrison tell you?” Alex asked, his voice strained.

“Tell me what?”

“That Awsten’s not here even though Otto brought him to school.”

Just then, the bathroom door swung open again, and Otto stopped short in the doorway.

“We’ll find him,” Geoff said with what he hoped was a comforting smile, looking from Otto to Alex and back to Otto.

“You’re not gonna look in the right place,” Otto whispered. He was so quiet that Geoff almost didn't hear him.

Geoff took a few steps toward him. “Where should we search?”

“There’s only one place he would be.”

Geoff furrowed his brow.

“I can’t leave campus, cause my parents will freak, but I’m honestly about to. He's not texting me back, and I… I don’t want anything to happen to him.”

“Where should we search?” Geoff repeated.

Otto swallowed. He and Alex traded a glance, and then Alex supplied, “The lake.”

Miss Harrison's Office
March 10, 9:13 AM

“Geoff, you can’t leave campus because of Awsten again,” Annie protested. “This would be the third time, and Otto’s parents already confirmed that they checked the lake and that Awsten wasn’t there.”

“Yes, but that was nearly ten minutes ago,” Geoff pointed out, drumming his fingers against his thigh as he tried to keep his tone in check. “Go look and see whether Otto’s car is in the parking lot. I would be willing to bet that it is, which would put Awsten on foot, and it takes-”

“Geoff,” John began, but Geoff cut him off with tightly pursed lips.

Annie tried, too. “The sheriff's department has been called-”

“Have you forgotten that one of my students just committed suicide?” Geoff snapped.

He was met with shocked stares and a heavy silence.

“Now, perhaps I am overreacting, and perhaps this is nothing, and perhaps Awsten fell asleep in the library or went for a walk. I do not know. But I will not take any chances. I will not. I will not lose another one of my children. You can fire me if you like, but I’m not losing one. more. child.”

The Lake
March 10, 9:24 AM

Geoff pulled into the grass and shifted his car into park. He flung the door open, jogged up the little hill, and started preparing for whatever he might find.

But there was a noise, and Geoff stopped in his tracks so he could hear it better. It was a small sound, but it was definitely something. He kept moving. Once he reached the crest of the hill, he could see down to the water, where there was a boy seated near the bank with faded purple hair and a thin t-shirt, his shoulders shaking and his face buried in his knees.

Geoff’s shoulders sagged with relief. “Awsten!” he called, and Awsten flinched and turned to look. Geoff quickly made his way toward the teenager until he was close enough to sit beside him. He settled next to Awsten in the grass, and his mind flashed back to sitting in the desk beside Awsten’s mere weeks prior, listening to him cry then, too.

Awsten hurriedly wiped his face with his palms and ran the back of his hand underneath his nose.

“Awsten, we have been looking everywhere for you,” Geoff told him gently. “Everyone has been worried.”

“I’m sorry,” Awsten muttered, punctuating the thought with a sniff. “I know I was supposed to be at school.”

“What happened?” Geoff asked.

Awsten shook his head.

“I only want to understand.”

Awsten dipped his head down and began to cry again. Geoff frowned; the last thing he'd wanted to do was upset Awsten further.

“I thought I could handle it,” Awsten told Geoff helplessly, fresh tears rolling freely down his cheeks. “I thought I was gonna be okay, but we got in the parking lot, and then I got in the hallway, and I was so fucking scared. I was looking at everybody’s hands, cause what if somebody had something, you know? Like Michael. I didn't want to see that again. And they were too quiet, it was too quiet. Everybody was too quiet, and I…” He shook his head. “I was just gonna hide for a little bit, but I didn't know where to go, and just - I couldn’t do it!”

“Alright,” Geoff whispered, sliding forward and wrapping an arm around his back. “That's alright. You tried your best. And you aren't in any trouble; you know that, don't you?”

Awsten went easily into him, turning his whole body sideways and burying his face in Geoff's jacket. His soft cries turned into big, heaving, hopeless gasps. He sobbed and sobbed and sobbed, and as Geoff listened, he was beginning to get the feeling that Awsten hadn’t done much processing over the break. It was either all hitting him or all coming out now.

Awsten’s shoulders convulsed against Geoff’s chest, but the sounds being ripped from his throat were far worse. Geoff stayed silent, reaching into his own pocket for his cell phone with one hand while he kept a gentle grip on Awsten with the other.

He’s here, he texted Annie.

Safe.

I have him.

He didn’t wait for a response, just set the phone down on the dewey grass so that he could wrap Awsten up with both arms. He stared hard at the lake and fought the tears that had formed in his own eyes. His attempt was futile, though; Awsten sounded so awful that Geoff couldn’t bear it.

The Lake
March 10, 9:35 AM

Awsten wasn’t sure how long he’d been crying. It felt like hours. It probably had been hours. The meltdown started around 7:40 AM and hadn’t really stopped. Awsten was dazed and dizzy.

He was vaguely aware that a burst of words had rushed from his mouth when Mr. W asked him about what had happened that morning, but he wasn’t sure exactly what he’d said. It didn’t seem to matter, though, because Mr. W was still hugging him when the patrol car showed up.

Awsten was frightened; the last thing he wanted was to go back to the goddamn police station for another hour of endless questioning, especially when this time it would be all his fault. At least before, the incidents had only been partially his fault. First, he’d pushed things too far at school and gotten hit at home. Then he couldn’t stop Michael from pulling the trigger. But now he’d left school while he was on probation, and that had been completely his choice. Otto’s parents were going to be furious.

Awsten pressed his body deeper into the safety of Mr. W's grasp and his ear closer to the steady drum of Mr. W’s heartbeat. The adults were chatting above him, but Mr. W had made no move to let go. Awsten exhaled lightly and closed his eyes, allowing himself to relax fully for the first time in days.

“Awsten. Would you like me to?” Mr. W asked, and Awsten dragged his eyelids back up.

“What?” he asked, voice wrecked. He cleared his throat as best he could.

“Would you like me to fetch some water for you before we go?” Mr. W asked, and from his tone it was clear that this was the second (or perhaps third) time he was asking.

“Go where?”

Mr. W gave Awsten that forced, patient smile that he had grown so used to in class. Awsten hadn’t seen that from him in a while. “We need to take you to the hospital to see your therapist. Would you like me to stop by my house so you can get a water bottle before we go? It is a three-minute walk. I would come right back.”

“I wanna come,” Awsten blurted. “I don’t…” want you to leave.

“Is that alright?” Mr. W asked, looking up at the deputies, who traded a shrug. Mr. W didn’t seem to want to wait for someone to change their mind, so he stood and helped Awsten to his feet. “Come. Walking a bit will be good for you.”

For a moment, Awsten felt like a baby deer on his feet. He was shaky, but Mr. W caught his elbow to steady him. At some point while they’d been sitting, Mr. W must have removed his suit jacket, because Awsten suddenly noticed that it was draped around his shoulders. He pushed his arms into the sleeves, which were several inches too long for him.

Mr. W noticed and noted, “I will lend you a jacket as well.”

"Kay."

Awsten was vaguely aware of a deputy traipsing across the grass behind them, and he felt angry at the man for invading his sanctuary. As far as Awsten was concerned, no one was welcome there except for him. Mr. W was okay, he supposed, just for now. But not these officers. Awsten wanted them to leave.

He and Mr. W walked side by side to the road where the first row of houses were settled behind the lake. They crossed the street.

“Come through here,” Mr. W directed, motioning Awsten toward a rock path between two of the oversized homes. He glanced at Awsten, who felt a little more like himself but had been uncharacteristically silent. “Are you alright?”

Awsten nodded. It was a lie… but only a bit. He wasn’t okay, but he was doing significantly better than he had been five minutes prior.

The path let out on the next street, and they turned left toward the mansions. Mr. W took a hand out of his pocket to point at the house at the end of the street. “That one is mine,” he said.

If Awsten wasn’t so lost in his haze, his mouth would have dropped open. It was the Wigington mansion; Awsten somehow hadn't made the connection between Mr. W and the Wigington house. The home was easily three stories, built of gorgeous, dark wood, and nestled between a plethora of tall, thick, evergreen trees. It looked like a place where someone rich would live with their big family.

“Are you married?” Awsten asked before he realized that the words were tumbling out of his mouth.

Mr. W smiled at his feet. “No.”

"Do you have kids?"

"I do not."

“Oh.” Awsten hesitated and then asked, “Why not?”

Mr. W shrugged. “I do not know,” he answered honestly. “I have… never been interested in any of that sort of thing. I was focused on school, and now I am focused on work, and that is plenty for me.” He smiled as he remembered something. “I have a cat, though.”

“A cat?” Awsten softly echoed.

“Yes. Are you allergic?”

Awsten shook his head.

The pair fell silent again for the last few steps up to the big house. The cop stopped at the foot of the driveway, but Awsten accompanied Mr. W up the stone steps to the front door.

“Wait here, please,” Mr. W directed as he pushed the unlocked door open. “Water and a jacket. Is there anything else that you need? Perhaps some tissues,” he muttered, glancing over Awsten’s face.

He could still feel the tear tracks on his cheeks, but it hadn’t occurred to him that they would be visible. He shook his head.

“Alright.”

“What’s your cat’s name?” Awsten asked as Mr. W strode toward the kitchen.

“Tuna!” he called over his shoulder.

The corners of Awsten’s lips turned up; the name didn't fit what he knew of Mr. W's personality at all.

“I heard her outside crying one night. She was all alone,” he continued, even though Awsten couldn’t see him anymore. “She was a minuscule kitten - I could fit her easily in one hand when she first appeared.” The fridge door opened and closed, and then Awsten could hear Mr. W’s footsteps heading further away on the creaky wood floor. “I began leaving a bowl of milk in the yard during the day, and she returned over and over. I began to feed her each night. And then one day, I left the screen door open to see what she would do. She came toddling in, and she never left.” Mr. W chuckled fondly. “She is quite affectionate with me, but you will not see her, most likely,” he added as he walked back to the front door. “She is quite fond of hiding, especially when unfamiliar people are present. She can be a very timid cat.”

“This cat?” Awsten asked just as Mr. W rounded the corner. His eyebrows shot up, and Awsten gave him a small smile.

The boy was crouched down on the floor, and in the time Mr. W had been gone, the little gray animal had crept out from under a table and padded curiously right up to him. Awsten was scratching behind her ears while she purred and licked experimentally at his chin.

“How on earth did you do that?” Mr. W exclaimed in wonder. 

Awsten smiled a little more as the animal stepped onto his knee. He reached down to pick her up. “I didn’t do anything. She just came out.” His hands were full, so he nodded at the dining room. “From over there.” Quietly, he said to her, "Hi."

Mr. W shook his head in surprise. “Unbelievable. John - Mr. O’Callaghan - has been trying to meet her for nearly two years, but I can never manage to locate her when he’s over. And that includes attempts to tempt her with treats.” Mr. W huffed a laugh. “She must find you to be special.”

“I find her to be special, too,” Awsten murmured. He nuzzled his head against hers and set her down, and she curled behind him, drawing her tail across his shoulders as she retreated to her spot under the table. “Bye, Tuna,” he said softly.

He stood up, watching her leave, and then he and Mr. W traded jackets. This one was much softer: a navy zip hoodie with the Rice University seal printed on the left chest in white. Awsten slid it on and ran his fingers over the logo. “You went here?”

“That is correct.” Mr. W passed him a chilly, plastic water bottle and led him back onto the porch.

“Then why do you teach us?” Awsten asked confusedly.

Mr. W paused and looked down at him, just as puzzled. “Whatever do you mean?”

“Well, you’re really smart. Don’t you want to, like... I don’t know. Do something better than teach high school?”

Mr. W chuckled. “I always knew that I would become a teacher. I greatly enjoy my work.”

“But you’re so smart.”

Mr. W was smiling, but his forehead crinkled. He still didn’t understand.

The deputy’s shoulder radio went off in the driveway, and Mr. W began to put his suit jacket back on, so Awsten let it go. He wrapped his arms around his own stomach. “I feel a little better,” he offered.

Mr. W seemed pleased with the statement. “I am glad to hear that.” They headed together down the steps. “Are you warm enough?” he inquired.

Awsten nodded.

“Alright. Now, I must return to school, but Otto’s parents will be at the hospital waiting for you. You will not be alone.”

Something about the way he said it felt strange to Awsten. It felt almost as if Mr. W was bringing something up from a previous conversation… one Awsten didn’t remember having.

Awsten nodded, trying to conceal the dread he felt. Mr. W was leaving, and now he was going to have to face Otto’s parents alone. Awsten’s fingers tightened around the water bottle, which caused a loud popping sound.

Just before they got to the squad car waiting at the end of the driveway, Mr. W stopped. “Awsten,” he murmured, “everything is going to be alright.”

Awsten stared at the concrete.

“You are not in any kind of trouble. I promise. No one is angry with you, and everything is going to be fine.” Mr. W gave him a sad smile. “Awsten, look at me, please.”

Awsten swallowed and obeyed.

“You are going to be just fine.”

Petekey Memorial Hospital 
March 10, 9:49 AM

When Awsten walked into the waiting room, he kept his arms wrapped tightly around himself and his head down. The last thing he wanted was more trouble, so he kept himself as quiet and small as he possibly could.

“Awsten,” came a voice, and there were two sets of footsteps rushing toward him.

Otto’s mom got to him first, cupping her hands around his chin and tilting his face up so she could see him. “Oh, honey, we were so worried about you,” she whispered. “Are you alright?”

“Don’t do that again,” Otto’s father ordered, but Awsten noticed a fearful look in his eyes. He wasn’t angry. He’d been… afraid.

Of what?

Awsten looked between them and then muttered, “I’m sorry.”

“We’ll figure something out, okay?” Otto’s mom told him, trying to smile. “It’ll be alright. We’ll figure it out.”

Otto’s father stepped forward and pulled Awsten into a hug, and Otto’s mother started to stroke Awsten’s hair. Awsten was shocked. He’d been expecting to be yelled at - or worse. He wondered if this was what having nice parents felt like.

“You’re… not mad at me?” he asked, not bothering to conceal his shock.

“I wish you’d told someone where you were going,” Mr. Wood answered, “but no, Awsten. We’re not mad, son.”

“You’re not mad at me,” he repeated, a statement this time instead of a question.

“No.”

Otto’s mom took his hand. “Let’s sit down until Rian’s ready for you, alright, baby?”

He followed her to the row of blue chairs and picked one. Otto’s mom sat down next to him, and Otto's dad filled the chair beside hers. Otto’s mom still had Awsten's hand in her grasp, and she was absently running her fingers over his skin. Otto’s dad had angled himself slightly in front of them, as if he was prepared to protect them. From what, Awsten didn’t know, but he was hit with an overwhelming urge to blurt something out. Every second he fought it, it grew stronger.

The phone rang on the check-in desk, and a nurse walked by with a folder bursting with papers, and Otto’s mom kept rubbing the back of his hand. It had only been a few seconds, but Awsten couldn’t hold the words in any longer.

“I love you.”

Both adults turned to him.

He glanced at each of them, but their reactions were unreadable. Awsten ducked his head down, blushing a little from embarrassment. Several seconds of silence passed, and Awsten started to shift awkwardly in his seat. But then-

“We love you, too, baby,” Otto’s mom finally whispered.

He looked up at her and then at Otto’s dad, who had cast his gaze away.

“Awsten?” Rian called. “Hey. Come on back. Let’s talk.”

Awsten got up without needing bribery or encouragement and followed the therapist down the hall to the dim room. It looked exactly as he remembered it from the week before.

“Is Godfrey here?” Awsten asked quietly as he sat down on the same corner of the couch.

“I’m afraid not,” Rian reluctantly replied. “Afternoons.”

“Oh.”

Rian nodded. “So... what happened this morning? I heard you left school?”

Awsten looked down.

“It’s okay. Walk me through it.”

“We got up and got ready and stuff, and I was fine,” Awsten muttered. “Everything was fine til we got in the parking lot.” He shook his head and drew his knees to his chest.

“What happened in the parking lot?”

“Nothing. I just…” He snorted. “I got scared."

"Of what?"

"Of... being back there, I guess.”

“Understandably so.” Awsten didn't add anything, so Rian prompted, “How did you cope with the fear?”

“I didn’t. I just tried to ignore it, and we went inside.”

“‘We'?”

“Me and Otto.”

“Okay. And then what happened?”

“He went to his hall for class, and I went to mine, but as soon as he wasn’t with me anymore, I just freaked out.”

"Freaked out in what way?"

“Um, I started thinking somebody else was gonna do the same thing Michael did. I was checking everybody’s hands for a gun.” He shook his head and muttered, “Stupid…”

“It’s a perfectly normal response,” Rian told him.

“I’m sure running away is a normal response, too,” Awsten snapped sarcastically.

“Actually, yes, Awsten,” he nodded, “it is. I wasn’t surprised at all when I got the call about what happened. I’m just glad that your teachers found you so quickly.”

At Awsten’s skeptical look, Rian nodded again.

“It’s all very normal. I promise. Do you know what the most basic biological process is when people are faced with fear?”

Awsten stared blankly at him.

“It’s called the acute stress response, but most people just call it ‘fight or flight,’” Rian explained. “When your body perceives danger, your brain releases a flood of chemicals that give you a burst of energy. With that energy-”

“I know what fight or flight is.”

“So you know that removing yourself from the situation is normal. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

Awsten’s mind was far from changed.

“How were you feeling when you left?” Rian asked.

“Bad.”

“I bet," Rian nodded. "Can you give me more?”

“Um, just… I don’t know. Bad. I felt like I couldn’t leave cause I was gonna get in trouble with Miss Teri - she’s my social worker - cause I’m on probation so I can stay with Otto. But I also needed to leave. I was thinking, like, if I had to stay at school and go to class and stuff I was gonna be so scared the whole time. Everybody was acting wrong, and people were staring at me. Plus I didn’t wanna go sit by Michael’s empty chair, you know? And what was class even gonna be like? They were all in the lockdown together while I was outside, so it would be their first time back since that. Otto talked about that a little last night, that he was nervous about going to the same classroom for the first time since the lockdown.”

“That's heavy," Rian noted, and Awsten nodded. "I would have been scared, too," he continued. "Was there something that pushed you over the edge and made you decide to leave?”

“I don’t know.”

Rian paused. “Awsten, I want you to close your eyes for a moment.”

He did.

“Visualize yourself in the hall this morning when you got nervous.” He waited while Awsten’s memory began working. “What are you seeing?”

“Kids everywhere. Backpacks. Hands.” He swallowed and repeated, “Hands.”

“And what else? Do you notice anything with your other senses?”

“I was, like, freaking out,” Awsten repeated. “Nobody was talking, so the hall was silent, and it felt like every single person I walked by was looking at me. Like they knew I was involved and they thought I had something to do with it. And I guess I was kind of looking around really fast.”

“How were you feeling?”

“Stressed.”

“Why?”

“Because somebody else might have a gun.”

Thoughtfully, Rian posed the question, “What would happen if someone did?”

Awsten had an immediate answer. “They might have hurt people like Michael wanted to. They… they might have taken me outside again and made me watch them…” His eyes flew open.

“Take a deep breath,” Rian soothed, and it was only then that Awsten realized his heart had started racing.

“I couldn’t stop him,” Awsten rushed out. “I couldn’t stop him, and he was - he was gonna hurt people, and I… he…”

“Breathe,” Rian repeated calmly. “Take a moment... In… out…”

“I hate this!” Awsten exploded, still short of breath. “I hate feeling like this all the time! I just want to be normal again!”

“You will be. It’s going to take time, though.”

“I don't want it to take time! This is fucking stupid. I know it's not gonna happen again, so why can't I just get over it? Why can't I breathe?!”

“Awsten, your body is trying to compensate for what your mind is going through. I understand that you're frustrated, but it's much more complex than just-”

“No, I don’t care. This is bullshit. I want to talk about something else.”

Rian contemplated for a few seconds and then let the outburst go. “Like what?”

He huffed. “I don’t know. Anything.”

“Will you tell me about your parents?”

“Anything but that.”

Thoughtfully, Rian stood up, and Awsten watched unblinkingly as he moved to a shelf behind his desk and picked up a blue tray filled with sand. He grabbed a big handful of plastic characters from his desk and set them into a second, identical, sandless tray, and then he went back for more. When he had thirty or so figures in the box with some other things Awsten couldn’t really see, he brought it close to the couch and took a seat on the ground. He motioned Awsten down as well.

Reluctantly, Awsten obliged. He settled on the floor and dropped his chin into his hand.

Rian raked a finger through the sand and then asked, “Do you want to play with this?”

“What is it?”

“It’s a sand tray.” He motioned to the figures. “You can use as many or as few as you want. Make whatever you like.”

Awsten stared at him in confusion.

Rian just repeated, “You can use as many or as few as you want.”

“Do I have to talk?”

“Not if you don’t want to.”

Awsten took his time looking down at the figures. He sifted through them and examined the bright, plastic sand toys underneath. Slowly, he picked up a mid-sized Captain America and three small Lego people and set to work. By the time he was finished, Awsten had created a scene that had surprised even himself.

“Will you tell me about it?” Rian asked, turning to a fresh page when Awsten sat back and wrapped an arm around one of his knees. 

In one corner of the box, Awsten had positioned a big, black, red-eyed cat facing a small dog. Down the other side of the tray, he had used every Lego person that had been available to him and laid them all face-down. In front of them was the much-larger Captain America, but he was also lying prostrate in the sand.

Awsten pointed at the dog. “That’s me,” he muttered.

“And the cat?”

“That’s Michael.”

“He’s a lot bigger than you,” Rian observed.

Awsten just nodded.

“Where are you guys? Why are you away from them?” He pointed at the other characters in the tray.

“We’re on the football field. Michael’s not dead yet, though.”

“What’s he doing?”

“Yelling at me again.”

“Did he yell at you when you guys were on the football field last week?”

Awsten nodded, but he didn’t elaborate.

“I see. Do you want to tell me anything else about this part?”

“No.”

“Okay, cool. Hey, good job, Awsten. You’re doing great,” Rian told him sincerely, and Awsten gave him a tight smile. “What’s happening over here?” Rian inquired, gesturing to the Legos that were lying down.

“That’s all the kids at school.” He pointed out one specific Lego with dark hair and one in a blue shirt beside it. “This one’s Otto, and this one’s Alex.”

“Why are they on the ground?”

“Michael killed them."

Rian didn’t speak for a moment. “And then over here - what’s this?”

Awsten looked up to see that he was asking about Captain America. “That’s Mr. W,” he explained softly. “He tried to protect everybody, but… Michael killed him, too.”

Petekey Memorial Hospital
March 10, 10:16 AM

“My recommendation is that we keep him out of school for a while,” Rian told Otto’s parents, his voice barely above a whisper.

Awsten was several feet away, only half-listening as he stared at the green carpet with his eyes unfocused. He stuffed his hands into the pockets of Mr. W's sweatshirt and kicked his feet back and forth under his chair. He felt like a little kid again.

“I'll have to talk to Teri, and this would be, of course, temporary, but I do think it’s necessary at the moment. While he expressed some anxiety about being separated from your family - and especially your son - I really believe that being exposed to 24-hour care and removing the stress of having to go back to the site of the incident over and over will be beneficial to him. If in a few weeks he feels better, we’ll talk about going back. But for now, I think the best course of action is to place him somewhere that will allow him to process what happened at school from a distance instead of in the same buildings.”

He was broken, and no one could fix him. Rian may not have said it like that, but that’s what he really meant. Michael had fucked Awsten up, and Awsten wasn’t strong enough to handle it, so he’d broken, and everyone could see it. Now Otto’s family couldn’t take care of him. Awsten was so weak that he'd ruined the one good thing he had.

He was quiet in the car, even when Rian called and let Otto’s mom know that the place he had in mind had an open spot for Awsten. 

“I think this will be good for you,” Rian said over the line when Otto’s mom passed Awsten the phone. “I have another client there, and he’s doing really well. It’s a group home; it’ll be you and three other boys around your age. And if you hate it, we’ll talk about some more options in our next session, okay?”

“Okay,” Awsten whispered back. He glanced at the clock on the dashboard and was upset to find that it was barely 10 o’clock in the morning. The day had already felt so long.

Otto's House
March 10, 10:43 AM

Awsten was busy stuffing his clothes into a duffle bag while Otto's mom brought him his toothbrush and toothpaste and some of Otto's things to borrow. She disappeared for a few minutes and then came back with a stuffed frog of Otto’s that Awsten had been attached to when he was younger. “Do you want to take Oliver?” she asked, a small smile on her face.

Awsten stared at the frog for a long time. Memories flooded back; taking Oliver in the car on the way to the movies; falling asleep in the bunk bed squashed against Otto's side with Oliver tucked under his chin; an old photo of Awsten and Otto where Oliver was hooked in Awsten's arm; privately playing make believe with Oliver, even after Awsten was far too old... He didn’t have stuffed animals at home, after all.

He shook his head.

Mrs. Wood frowned, and Awsten realized that she'd been confident that he was going to say yes. “Are you sure?”

Awsten nodded.

“Okay, sweetie.” She set the frog on Otto’s dresser and went over to wrap Awsten in a hug. He breathed in her perfume. “How do you feel?”

Awsten shrugged. “A little more like myself.”

This must have been the right thing to say, because for that, he got a kiss atop the head. “Good. Let’s get you some lunch before we go.”

“Wait.” Awsten pulled back to look at her. “What about Otto?”

“His father and I will talk to him when he gets home.”

“Can’t I stay til he gets here?”

She shook her head, brushing his hair off his forehead. “I’m afraid not, sweetie. They’ve asked me to bring you as soon as possible. Something about their activity schedule tonight.”

“Oh.”

“But I promise you, the three of us will come visit as soon as we can. Okay?”

He nodded at the ground.

He could feel her staring at him for a moment, but he ignored it until she said, “Awsten, I want to talk to you about all this. This... group home.” She sat at the foot of the bottom bunk and motioned for Awsten to come sit beside her, just like Otto often did. Once Awsten was settled, she said softly, “I want you to know that we’re doing this because we think this is the best thing for you right now. We want to help you. Do you know that?”

He nodded.

She paused and then continued, “I also want you to know what this isn’t. This isn’t us trying to get rid of you. This isn’t us saying that we don’t care about you, or that we don’t want to try to help, or that we think what happened last week is too big for us to deal with. Do you know that, too? Because I’m worried that you don’t, and the last thing I want is for you to leave here and turn cold again like last time.”

Awsten cast his eyes away.

Cautiously, Mrs. Wood wrapped her arm around Awsten’s shoulders. “I know that you left last time and went home to your parents, and you were angry with Otto's dad and me. Rightfully so. We didn’t fight for you - not as hard as we should have. But Awsten, listen to me, sweetheart; that won’t happen again. That will never happen again.”

He didn’t respond. 

“We loved you,” she pleaded. “We always have, and we always will. We were wrong, baby, we were so wrong, and I’m so sorry. None of this is your fault, sweetheart. Not one bit of it. I need you to know that. Do you know that?”

Awsten shrugged. 

“It’s not your fault. Otto’s father and I - we want you to be happy, honey. And if that means taking a break from school for a little while so that you can feel safer and start to heal, then that’s what we’ll do.” She kissed his temple. “I know it feels really big and really scary right now. It feels that way for me a little bit, too.” She wrapped her other arm around his front and squeezed him in a hug. “I don’t want to let you go, because I just got you back, and now I can’t make sure that you’re okay.”

Awsten allowed himself to melt into her shoulder. No one had ever said anything like that to him before.

“But the people at this house? Rian told us about them, baby, and they sound really good. This is their job, helping kids like you that need some time to get their balance back. They do art, and music, and sports, and community service… And we’ll be two towns over and just a phone call away.” She brushed his hair back again and told him fervently, “We are not leaving you. We are not abandoning you. We’re just trying to help.”

“I know, Mom,” Awsten whispered.

Mrs. Wood nodded, but then Awsten’s words caught up to her. She wrapped a hand around the back of Awsten’s head to secure him to her, and she didn’t try to stop her tears. “I love you, my baby. Oh, I’m going to miss you so much.”

Chapter Text

Peace and Purpose Home for Young Men
March 10, 1:27 PM

“Hey, you must be Awsten. Welcome. Come on in.”

It was a tall man who opened the door with his blonde hair pulled messily into a bun. He had five o’clock shadow, black gauges in his ears, and a worn jean jacket over his gray hoodie, and he was wearing a slight smile. Despite his tired appearance, there was something about him that was almost… inviting.

Awsten stepped over the threshold and into the space, which was the complete opposite of the sterile, all-white facility he’d been picturing. Awsten had felt the need to double-check with Mr. Wood that they were in the correct place when they’d pulled up, because instead of a hospital or medical building, he had parked the car in front of a two-story, brick house.

“I’m Lucas. It’s nice to meet you. Cool hair.”

Awsten smiled a little and ran his fingers through it. “Thanks,” he said softly. “Nice to meet you, too.”

While Lucas introduced himself to Otto’s parents and shook their hands, a quote painted on the wall caught Awsten’s eye.

When you pass through the waters,
        I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
        they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
        you will not be burned;
        the flames will not set you ablaze.
Isaiah 43:2

Around the words were several scribbles, some big and some small, in all different colors. When Awsten squinted at them, he realized that they were a collection of handwritten names. Kingsley, Jack, Calum, Shane, Justin…

“That’s our graduation wall,” Lucas explained once he followed Awsten’s gaze.

Awsten immediately averted his eyes.

“No, it’s okay; you can look,” Lucas told him. He looked to Otto’s parents and explained, “When our gentlemen get discharged, they’re allowed to leave their mark. And whenever they come back to visit, they know they still belong and that they’ll always have a place with us.”

“That’s a wonderful idea,” Mrs. Wood smiled.

“Thank you,” Lucas replied humbly. "Did you have a good trip? You find the house okay?"

"Yeah, it was a straight shot from Lakeview," Mr. Wood nodded.

"Perfect," Lucas responded with a nod. He looked to Awsten. “I'll show you the house, and then we'll get you settled.”

“Okay.”

“You’ll have a roommate - Jawn. He’s into art and outer space, and he won't be happy if he finds out I gave you the tour before he had the chance,” Lucas said, shaking his head, “so I’ll just run you through the basics until he’s back in…” He glanced at his watch. “About half an hour. They're helping a new neighborhood with some gardening at their entrance, but they should be returning soon."

"How nice!" Mrs. Wood exclaimed.

Awsten didn't think it sounded like much fun at all.

“Yes, ma'am. I like to find lots of little projects like that. We help out where we can." He switched gears as he led them a few steps forward. "This is kind of the heart of the house,” he explained, walking through the mismatched couches by the front door. He came to a stop and set his hands comfortably on the back of one of the sofas as he spoke. “We do check-ins here every morning after breakfast. We’ll talk about how everybody’s feeling, set goals for the day, that kind of thing, and then we’ll run through the schedule. We have a general routine, but every day is different. And usually busy." He glanced toward a closed door and then decided,  “I’ll leave the rest of the downstairs for Jawn. All the bedrooms are up here.” 

When Lucas started up the staircase, Awsten glanced back nervously at Otto’s parents.

It’s okay, Mr. Wood mouthed.

Awsten hitched his duffle bag up higher on his shoulder and picked up his pace.

“This will be your room,” Lucas announced, leading Awsten through an archway to the right of the staircase. While there was no door, it was still a decent size with medium-gray walls. There was a messily made bed in the back corner and a perfectly made one closer to the door. Both were twin XLs and had identical, navy, plaid comforters spread over them and blue blankets folded at the foot of the mattress. Lucas gestured to the neater one. “You can drop your stuff there.”

Awsten did.

“You get half the dresser; you and Jawn can decide how you want to split it up. Bathroom through there,” Lucas stated, pointing to a door on the far wall. “No locks, but we’re very respectful of privacy here. If a door's closed, it means don't go in. There are two sinks and a closed off toilet and shower, so all of you can be in there at the same time. That definitely helps in the morning and at bedtime."

Bedtime? Awsten had never had a bedtime in his life.

Lucas led the small family out of Awsten’s new room and directly across the landing toward another bedroom with no door, but they didn’t go in. “Ashton and Travis live in this one…” Next to it was a room that did have a door. “...and this one’s mine,” Lucas said. He pushed the door open so they could peek inside. Lucas’ room had white walls, a tan comforter, a wooden desk, a closet, and two small windows. Awsten belatedly realized that his room didn’t have a window at all.

“You’re welcome in here any time as long as you have my permission,” Lucas continued, “and if you need me overnight, you’re welcome to knock and come get me then, too. Well - except not tonight; today’s actually my day off, so I won’t be here. But I wanted to come meet you. Zakk is in charge today.” Lucas pointed across the landing to the room next to Awsten’s that had a door. “That’s his room, and it has the same rules as mine - you're welcome any time with his permission, and just knock at night if you need him. Since I'm off, we'll have two aides here overnight instead of one, but they'll be in later.”

Awsten nodded. 

“Do you have any questions for me?” Lucas asked. “I know that was a lot pretty fast.”

“Yes,” Mrs. Wood replied immediately. “When can we visit? Rian told us we would be able to come see him.” Her hands curled over Awsten's shoulders and gave a light squeeze.

“Yes,” Lucas nodded. “Thursdays and Sundays. The hours vary based on our schedule, but I usually know about a week out, so when you want to come, just shoot me an email. As soon as I’ve got the time slot figured out, I’ll pass the information along.”

“Sounds good,” Mr. Wood nodded.

“Anything else? Questions, concerns, anything you want to see…?”

Everyone turned to look at Awsten. He thought that question was more for Otto’s parents, so he just shook his head.

“Alright, cool. Um, Awsten, I hate to do this to you,” Lucas winced, "but I’ve got to go through your bag. It’s policy.”

“Oh, um... okay.”

“We don’t allow cell phones, food, cigarettes, lighters, drugs or paraphernalia, any weapons-”

“I don’t have anything bad.” 

“Well, I just wanted to let you know, because if there’s anything you want to go grab out of your bag and turn in, you won’t get in any trouble for having it. I promise. Doesn't matter what it is. But if I have to take something, we’re going to have a problem.”

Awsten shrugged and put on a lopsided smile. “I really don’t have anything,” he said honestly. It bothered him that right off the bat, he wasn’t believed, but he figured that a lot of the guys tried to sneak stuff in. Lucas was probably used to a lot of lying.

“Alright, good. I’m looking forward to not finding anything. You can go ahead and say goodbye while I do that. I’ll meet you at the couches when I’m done.”

“Okay.”

“Okay. Take your time.” Lucas shook Otto’s parents’ hands again. “It was great to meet you two. Thank you for bringing him, and if you think of any more questions, just call, and Zakk or I will be happy to talk to you.”

“It was nice to meet you, too. Thanks, Lucas,” Mr. Wood responded.

Lucas walked into Awsten’s room to search his things, and Awsten headed back downstairs with Otto’s parents behind him.

“Your room looks nice,” Mrs. Wood whispered, an encouraging smile on her face.

Awsten nodded.

“And Lucas seems wonderful! You’ll have to call us and tell us everything, honey. Oh, I can’t wait to hear about the other boys,” she said excitedly. “Do you remember our phone number? Should I write it down?”

“I’ve known it since I was seven,” Awsten admitted.

Both of Otto’s parents chuckled.

“Listen, son,” Mr. Wood murmured, setting a strong hand on Awsten’s shoulder and leaning down a little. “I know this is scary. But I want you to promise me something.”

Awsten nodded again.

“Just… give it a chance, alright?”

After his talk earlier with Mrs. Wood, Awsten already had decided to give it a chance. “I promise,” he murmured.

Mr. Wood used his grasp on Awsten’s shoulder to pull him into a hug. Awsten wrapped his arms around Mr. Wood’s middle and squeezed his eyes shut. They pulled apart after a moment, and Awsten moved forward to embrace Mrs. Wood.

“I love you,” she told him.

“Love you, too.”

“We’ll see you soon,” she whispered, her eyes shining with tears.

“Tell Otto I love him,” Awsten said desperately. “And - and I’m sorry.”

“Oh, sweetheart,” she hummed, “he knows.”

“Tell him again,” Awsten begged.

“We will.” She kissed his forehead and swiped her hand one last time over his hair. “You make sure you get enough to eat, okay? And wear a coat if you go out. I packed you that nice heather gray one of Otto’s that you like.”

“Come on, hon,” Mr. Wood said, draping an arm around his wife’s shoulders. He gave Awsten a little wave, which Awsten reciprocated, and then the door closed behind them. Awsten watched as they embraced for several seconds in the driveway and then climbed into the car. Mrs. Wood pulled a tissue out of her purse to dry her eyes, and Awsten physically felt his heart twinge as the engine turned on and his makeshift parents backed down the concrete.

He watched until the car rolled down the road and out of sight, and then he stood awkwardly alone in the entry, unsure of what to do with himself. He took a slow breath in and then went to sit on one of the mismatched couches. The dark blue fabric felt bumpy under his fingertips as he ran them across the seat. He took another slow breath.

His mind wandered to Michael, to the icy metal pressed against his neck, to burying his hands in the blood that was colder than he’d expected, to the empty look in Michael’s still-open eyes-

“Hey. All clean,” Lucas declared as he jogged down the stairs. “I appreciate that.”

Awsten nodded.

Lucas comfortably filled the space at the other end of the couch.“Before the other gentlemen get back, I wanted to talk with you. Get to know you, hear about what’s going on in your life, what brought you here. Rian told me a little, but I want to hear it from you. So." He dropped his hands into his lap. "Tell me about yourself."

"Oh, I don't know," Awsten mumbled, looking around for something to focus his eyes on. "I'm Awsten... I'm seventeen... I'm in twelfth grade..." He suddenly remembered what he'd told Rian. "And I grew up in Lakeview, and I like dogs."

"Cool," Lucas nodded. "I like dogs, too. I've never been to Lakeview. Is it nice?"

Awsten shrugged. "It's okay."

"So... what brought you to us, if you don't mind my asking?"

“Okay, um. Well, it’s two things,” Awsten responded slowly. He tugged Mr. W's sweatshirt sleeves down over his fingers and tried to push the images of Michael's body out of his mind. “Um, first, my parents got arrested, so I'm staying with a foster family.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. When did that happen?”

“Couple weeks ago.”

“Why?”

“Um, my dad hit me. Again.”

Lucas nodded, a frown on his lips.

“But it’s for the best,” Awsten shrugged. “My parents suck. That was my best friend’s parents that brought me here. I’ve been living with them, and they’re really nice.”

Lucas still seemed troubled. “And what’s the second thing?”

“Um, did you hear about what happened at Lakeview High?”

“I heard that a student there died by suicide recently...”

“Yeah. Um, and the school was on lockdown and everything cause he said he was gonna kill everyone.”

Lucas nodded.

“So, he was in my class. Like, my first period class, not just my grade. Um, and I was late, and I was the only one in the hall… but he was there, too. And he had a gun, and…” He huffed in frustration as he failed to clear the images of dead Michael from his eyes. “It was really bad. I got him to go outside so he wouldn’t hurt anybody inside, but then he, um. Awsten started to have a little bit of difficulty breathing. "He shot himself. I couldn’t stop him.”

“Awsten, I’m so sorry,” Lucas murmured.

“It’s okay.”

“No,” Lucas said firmly, sitting forward. “It’s not okay. That’s not okay.”

Awsten smiled emotionlessly.

“No, hear me,” Lucas urged. “You don’t have to say that it’s okay, because it's absolutely not. What happened to you is unacceptable. But we can’t change that now. We can only try to work with it and through it and make things better.”

“Yeah,” Awsten softly replied. His chest felt tight, and he began to grow worried because he'd been having more and more trouble catching his breath lately.

Lucas leaned back a little bit. “This was all during this past week, right?”

“Yeah. The first day back at school was today, but I kind of… ran away.” Awsten couldn’t believe that school was still in session. It seemed like days ago that he’d fled to the lake, but Otto and Alex and Mr. W were all still in classrooms right that minute. Like nothing had ever happened.

“Where did you go?”

“Um, the lake. Lakeview has a lake on one end of town, so. But yeah, my English teacher came and got me, and I was a mess. I was, like, crying and stuff; it was really bad. But he sat with me and he took me to his house for some water, and I waited on the porch while he got it, but then his cat came out, and he said it’s a really nervous cat, but she came right up to me. And Mr. W - he’s my English teacher - he said that one of the other English teachers has been trying to meet the cat for two years, but he can’t get her to come out when he’s over. And she just came right to me. It was really cool.”

“Yeah, that’s awesome.”

“I also was really surprised, cause Mr. W lives in this huge house. Like, huge. It's a mansion. And I don’t know how that’s a thing, cause he teaches public school. But whatever. It was awesome. I wanted to see the inside. Oh, and Otto, my best friend? Those were his parents before that dropped me off. He doesn’t even know I’m here. He’s gonna flip when he finds out I’m gone. It all happened really fast, you know? Like, we were at school, and then I freaked out and left, and then Mr. W came and got me, and then I went to see Rian, and now I’m here.” Awsten blinked. "I don't think Otto even knows I left school. Although I guess I should have been in band with him for fourth period, and I wasn't."

The whirlwind of words came to an end, and Awsten bit his lip. “Sorry I’m talking so much. I think I just have a lot…” He drew his hand over his chest in a circle. “…in here. I don’t know.”

“It’s totally understandable, Awsten. You’ve been through a lot.”

“I think after it happened, I kinda got used to not talking about it. Like, cause it didn’t feel… safe. But after today… I don’t know what happened, I just - I can’t stop. And I mean, that’s how I used to be. Like…” He looked down at his lap and dropped his voice. “Before.”

Lucas smiled a little. “I think that’s a good thing.”

“I guess, yeah. I kinda felt like I was losing myself, you know?”

Lucas nodded. “Absolutely.”

“But I was thinking earlier today, like. I don’t want to be the guy that goes through shit-”

“We don’t say that here,” Lucas interrupted. He wasn’t angry, but he was definitely stern.

“Oh, sorry. Um, stuff. And then gets trapped in this negative mindset. I kinda yelled at Rian about it… well, not at him; to him.”

“What did you say?” Lucas asked, his eyebrows creased.

“That I don’t want to be like this anymore.”

“What’s ‘this’?”

“Are you a therapist?” Awsten interjected. “Not, um. Not to be, like. Rude or anything. I was just wondering.”

“No harm, no foul," Lucas replied, the small smile back on his face. "I’m not, actually, no. I'm a mental health counselor, technically, not a therapist. But regardless, I like to know what’s going on with the gentlemen in the house. It's hard to be good at my job if I don’t."

Awsten nodded.

"You’ll still see Rian once a week, but I’m always here to talk.”

“Oh.” He paused and then asked, “Is it okay if I keep going?”

“Yeah, of course.”

Awsten stared blankly at the wall, trying to relocate his train of thought. “I forgot…”

“I had asked you what you meant when you said you didn’t want to be like this anymore.”

“Oh, yeah. Mopey,” Awsten answered frankly. He sighed. “I just feel like I’m having a moment of clarity right now. Like I’ve been in this fog all these days, and this is the first time I’ve been able to actually feel like me again. I hate being moody and dark, cause it makes other people feel like that, too, even if they pretend like it doesn’t. And yeah, I get that something bad happened, but I - I hated the way it became, like… who I was. Does that make sense? Everything felt so bad. And dark. Like, literally. I wanted to be in dark rooms all the time. By myself. And I didn’t really want to talk to anybody, even Otto. I thought if I told him things, he might feel the way I felt.” He sighed. “And everybody was being so careful, you know? About what they talked about and what they did. And Otto’s parents checked on me a hundred times those first two days, I swear to god.”

“We don’t say that either.”

“What, ‘I swear to god'?”

Lucas shook his head.

“Oh, okay. Sorry.” What was he allowed to say?

Lucas nodded in acknowledgement of the apology. Awsten noticed that he didn’t say ‘It’s okay.’

“But yeah, I just… I’m ready to be me again. But I think Rian was right; every time I think about school, my stomach hurts. So maybe not having to be there for a while will help.”

“Well, it definitely sounds like you’re on the right track, Awsten, even if your current clarity fades and you feel ‘mopey’ again. You’ve been through something traumatic, and your emotions are bound to fluctuate.”

“Yeah. He says it’s okay to be mad and stuff.”

“He’s right.”

Awsten dropped his chin into his hand, suddenly feeling a little drained. Silence filled the room. Lucas didn’t push for more from Awsten, just let him sit. Several moments passed, and Awsten began to grow sleepy.

“Have you eaten today?” Lucas asked quietly.

Awsten nodded.

“What did you eat?”

“I had cereal and some orange juice before school, and grilled cheese and blueberries before I left to come here.”

“Okay, good. How long did you sleep last night?”

Awsten shrugged.

“It’s okay if you need to think about it for a second.”

He didn’t need to think about it, though; he just didn’t want to admit it. No one, not even Otto, knew how difficult sleep had become.

“I don’t want to lie to you,” Awsten blurted out.

Lucas arched an eyebrow. “I don’t want you to lie to me either.”

Anxiously, Awsten swallowed. “An hour and a half.” He looked up nervously. “I slept for an hour and a half.”

“Is that the truth?” Lucas inquired.

Awsten nodded.

“Thank you for telling me.”

Immediately, Awsten was hit with a sinking feeling, like sharing so much of his story had been a terrible, irreversible mistake. He’d just laid all his cards on the table for a stranger - an authority - to see. He was vulnerable again. Lucas could do anything to him, and he knew exactly how to hurt him. Awsten wished so badly that he'd been able to man up that morning and just go sit in Mr. W's class. He'd be on the way home with Otto soon, but no, he had to have a stupid freak-out and run away. 

It was if a switch had flipped inside Awsten, and that clear mindset he’d been so happy to have slipped right through his fingers. He melted into the dark again.

Lucas must have seen it, because he said softly, “I'd like you to lie down.”

Awsten stayed still.

“I find that the first two days here are the toughest for most of our gentlemen. There’s a lot to get acclimated to, and I don’t want you trying to do that when you need rest.”

“I’m not tired,” he muttered.

“I didn’t say sleep,” Lucas countered amiably. “I just said lie down. Your body could probably use a break. I’ll be in the office,” he said, pointing to a door Awsten hadn’t noticed. “You can go up to your room or stay here, but I'd like you to lie down til the other gentlemen get back.”

Awsten’s instinct was to bite back, but he quickly clamped down on the urge. He was new here. He didn’t know what the punishment would be for breaking the rules, and he didn’t want to get off on the wrong foot with Lucas, anyway. He seemed okay. And Mr. Wood had asked Awsten to try.

Awsten let a little of his annoyance show, but he nodded.

“Thanks,” Lucas said warmly. “I know it sounds weird, but just try to relax. Come get me if you need me. I'll check on you in a little bit.”

Awsten waited til Lucas’ footsteps had faded into the other room before he laid back on the sofa. Quietly, he blew out a breath and folded his hands over his chest, lacing and unlacing his fingers.

The ceiling was high here. Natural light flooded the room, but within minutes, Awsten’s eyelids grew heavy. He wondered absently what time it was and whether Otto had returned home to find him missing yet.

The next thing Awsten was aware of was the squeak of distant door hinges.

“Is he here?!” asked an excited voice.

“Guys, what did we talk about in the van?” came a whisper.

“Oh, oops!”

There were a few seconds of silence, and Awsten’s mind slipped back into sleep. But then there was a small cheer followed by a chorus of firm shushing.

“Sorry!”

“He’s sleeping on the blue couch,” someone murmured, and had Awsten been awake enough to try to place it, he would have been fairly sure it was Lucas’ voice. “Do not wake him. I know you are all very excited about him, but it needs to wait. I’m sure you all remember how tired and anxious you felt when you first got here, so let’s be respectful.”

“Okay.”

“Thank you. It’s quiet time now. I know the work ran long today; I’m very proud of all of you for sticking it out. Zakk, you too. But let’s go upstairs - quietly. He needs sleep. Go get changed, maybe take some showers.” There was a beat of silence. “What are we not going to do?”

“Wake up the new guy,” came two whispers in sync.

“Travis?”

“We ain't gonna be loud an' wake up the new boy.”

“That’s right.”

A patter of quiet feet started tiptoeing toward Awsten, but they were interrupted by another whisper. “Weren’t you gonna add something?”

There was a sigh. “Oh, yes. Travis, you can’t grab onto our new friend.”

“Why not?”

“Do we grab people?”

The response was sullen and drawn out. “Nooo.”

“Even if they have purple hair?”

“Purple hair?!” someone - probably Travis - cried.

“Shh!”

“I’m sorry!”

“If we get in there and he’s awake…” Lucas whispered warningly.

“Then we’ll have a conversation after dinner,” someone rushed to fill in. “Go upstairs, guys. No talking.”

Awsten, still only half-conscious, listened to the quick, light feet on the steps. He was drawn closer to wakefulness by a delighted gasp and the subsequent hiss of, “Travis! Come on!” but the house was soon silent, and Awsten was sound asleep again in mere moments.

Awsten soon found himself on his hands and knees, thigh deep in blood. He sagged with his head bent as a scream tore from his throat, and his hair and forehead instantly grew wet as they dipped into the red mess beneath him.

“HELP!”

His mouth was wide open as he sobbed, lips stretched so far that it hurt.

“HELP! PLEASE! SOMEBODY HELP ME!”

The blood spread around Awsten as far as he could see, the puddle so vast that it resembled a small ocean. More red streaks streamed down from his hair to sting his eyes, stain his cheeks like tears, and dribble down his chin. He wondered if his teeth would be coated, too, and instantly, he could taste the sticky, metallic substance on his tongue.

Then came the bubbles.

What…

The blood in front of him was bubbling like a boiling pot on a stove, and out of it came a shape. It was small at first, but it grew bigger and bigger until it was looming in front of him, swaying like his drunken mother after a bad night. Awsten scrambled backwards, falling and splashing in the shallow sea, his back and legs now entirely soaked as well.

As the faceless creature drew closer, Awsten froze in fear. His heart was pounding so hard in his chest that he could hear each beat of his pulse in his ears. He wanted to stand up and run, to hit, to bite, to scream - anything. But his body betrayed him. All he could do was tremble and stare.

The blood monster leaned right into Awsten’s face, and Awsten heard himself whimper in fright.

The thing slowly tilted its head, taking Awsten in curiously. Awsten couldn’t see anything through the thick red, but he knew that the creature was evil.

And then it opened a pair of familiar gray-green eyes—

Peace and Purpose Home for Young Men - Entry
March 10, 4:58 PM

Awsten jolted awake and flew to sit up, just managing to bite down on the gasp that fought to get out of his mouth. His fingertips frantically searched all over his skin, which was still white, not red. Not wet or sticky. Not covered in blood.

Okay. You’re okay. You’re okay. You’re fine.

He clutched at his chest, right over his hammering heart. One deep breath. In… It’s not real. Out. Two deep breaths. In… He can’t hurt you. Out. Three. In… Calm down. Out. Four. In… It was just a dream. Out. Five. In… Relax… Out.

Usually five breaths were all it took, but lately his nightmares had begun to feel more and more real. He shoved the navy sweatshirt sleeves up so he could study his arms again, double-checking that there were no brown stains under his nails, no splatters of blood that he might have missed the first time, and then he looked up. He’d expected to see the dark green walls of Otto’s bedroom, but he was in an open, brightly lit entry of a house. It looked slightly familiar…

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

The group home.

Awsten sagged back into the sofa, closing his eyes and willing his heart rate to return to normal. After a few moments of mentally running through the dream again, he opened his eyes and stared at the beige walls.

He wanted comfort, whether that was in the form of a house to himself, Mrs. Wood's hand caressing his hair, Mr. W’s gentle voice reading from a novel, Otto’s steadfast presence… He wouldn’t get those things, though. Not here.

Awsten pushed the crocheted blanket off his lap - someone must have brought it to him and draped it over him while he was sleeping; he didn’t want to think about that - and started to stand up. He was planning to search for the restroom when a voice interrupted him.

“Oh, good, you’re up. I was just about to come wake you.”

Awsten turned to see a guy with black hair down to his shoulders emerging from the office and going to stand behind the couch. “Oh. Y-yeah…”

“I’m Zakk, the other counselor,” he said, offering his hand. 

Awsten reached up and shook it. “Awsten.”

Zakk smiled. “I know. Uh, since you’re awake, let me get Jawn. He’s been waiting for you all day.”

“Okay. Um, where’s the… bathroom?” Awsten asked awkwardly.

“Oh, duh, sorry. It's over there,” Zakk answered, pointing past the staircase. “Under the stairs. You’ll see two doors; it’s the one on the right. Left is laundry. The Ls help."

“Okay... Thanks.”

Awsten disappeared to pee, and when he came back, there was a dark haired boy in a red hoodie hovering in the doorway to the kitchen. He was obviously trying very hard not to look like he’d been waiting around.

“Hey,” Awsten said hesitantly.

The boy looked up and feigned surprise. “Oh, hey. Awsten, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Nice to meet you. I’m Jawn.” He stuck a fist out, and Awsten bumped it with his own. “Welcome to Peace and Purpose.”

“Thanks.”

“Um, so, how old are you?”

“I’m seventeen.”

“Cool - me, too. Lucas didn’t give you the tour, right?”

“No.”

Jawn smiled and motioned for Awsten to follow him. “This is the kitchen,” he announced, starting off with no intro. “We all make meals in here together. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and if we want a snack, we have to ask. We don’t get to choose the food or anything, but everything’s pretty good. Travis can be really picky, but even he still eats most of the time. It’s like, spaghetti and chicken and turkey wraps and stuff.” 

Awsten nodded.

“The pantry’s unlocked right now, but Lucas will lock it if a lot of stuff goes missing, so just... don’t steal stuff. We never have to worry about, like, not having anything to eat. Promise.”

Awsten liked the idea of not having to worry about food. “Okay.”

“As far as cooking and stuff goes, we all get jobs, and they rotate. There’s a fancy-pants spreadsheet and everything. So at breakfast you might have to set the table, and then at lunch you might have to make sandwiches, and at dinner you might be in charge of prep, like preheating the oven or boiling some water or something.” Jawn shrugged. “It’s posted on the fridge every morning, what we’re making and what we’re individually responsible for.”

“We have to cook?” Awsten asked nervously.

“Yeah. But it’s never hard, and if you don’t know how to do something or where something is, you just ask. Um, the rule is ‘three and then me,’ which just means you have to ask three people - so all the other boys in the house - for help before you go to Lucas or Zakk.” He dropped his voice and advised, “Just ask Ashton everything. He’s younger than us, but he's really good at cooking. And really nice.”

Awsten hoped he would remember that. He repeated the name in his brain, trying to memorize it. Ashton. Ashton. He followed Jawn out of the kitchen and back toward the bathroom Awsten had just vacated. Before they got there, though, Jawn opened the other door.

“This is the laundry room. You can basically do laundry whenever you want. Not really any rules about that. You know how to wash clothes?”

“Yeah.”

“Awesome. Then you’ll be fine. There's a clothesline out back if you want to use it, but usually we just throw everything in the dryer.”

Jawn shut the door and led Awsten out from under the staircase toward the entry. “So here,” he said, going to the open room beside the kitchen, “is the dining room. We all eat together kind of like a family, but we’re allowed to hang out in here, too. Unless somebody claims it, this will be your chair,” Jawn declared, pointing one out, “although Cal left two days ago and nobody’s taken it yet. So yeah, this one’s yours.” He smiled shyly at Awsten. “You’re right next to me.”

Awsten smiled back. That was a little comforting; so far, Jawn seemed like good company.

“Lucas will sit on your other side,” Jawn stated, motioning to the head of the table. "And then the office…” He walked Awsten toward a small room right by the front door, the one that Lucas had disappeared into when Awsten laid down on the couch earlier that afternoon and Zakk had emerged from just a few minutes earlier. “Do you have a therapist?” Jawn asked as they paused in the doorway. The room was empty aside from a sofa, a table that served as a desk, and a computer, but the boys didn’t go in. It was a pretty tiny space.

“Yeah.”

“So, Lucas or Zakk will drive you to see your therapist wherever you usually see them. Unless there’s an emergency - then they come here. Travis’ therapist has come a couple of times, cause he has a lot of issues.” 

Awsten blinked, suddenly wondering if he had ‘a lot of issues’ as well.

“He's doing a lot better now,” Jawn added quickly. “Just, um. Me and Ashton haven't had to do that with ours, so I don’t know if you’ll be in here sometimes or what. It seems like it's different for everybody. But Lucas and Zakk are both counselors, so if you need to talk to them, they usually do that down here, too. This is where Lucas spends most of his time if he's not with us since he has to plan everything and answer emails and stuff.”

“Lucas and Zakk - are they, um…” Awsten began, but his cheeks turned pink.

“What?”

“I dont know. Are they nice?”

Jawn smiled like Awsten had asked a silly question, and Awsten probably should have felt stupid, but instead, he felt immediately reassured.

“Lucas is seriously my favorite person in the world. Like, for real. And Zakk's great, too. Yeah, they’re nice. As long as you follow the rules and stuff, they’re awesome. And even if you mess something up, they’re really understanding, and they just wanna help, you know? They really do want the best for all of us.” Jawn looked away. “I didn’t believe that when I first came here. But I do now.”

“That’s cool,” Awsten muttered, not really sure what to say.

Jawn looked up at him. “What are you here for?” he asked. His voice sounded curious but almost sad.

“Um…” Awsten was trying to figure out how to say that he didn’t want to talk about it when he was saved by a loud voice from upstairs.

“Guys! Up and at ‘em! It’s about that time!”

Awsten looked to Jawn in confusion.

“Quiet time’s over,” he explained. “Come on. I’ll show you the school room before we have to start dinner.”

Awsten followed Jawn across the entry to a room with several tables and chairs, all pushed up against the walls like an upside-down U.

“This is where we have school.”

“School?” Awsten echoed.

“Yeah. We have tutors that come work with us every day. Where did you go to real school?”

“Um, Lakeview High,” he murmured, knowing that the admission would likely give away something about what he was doing at Peace and Purpose. But Jawn seemed clueless.

“I've never heard of that."

"It's in Harris County."

"Oh, okay, cool. So your tutor will get your homework and your assignments and stuff from there and bring them, so that way you stay on track. You’re a senior, right?”

“Uh-huh.”

Jawn smiled. “Same. It’s extra important for us so we still graduate on time. Lucas is really serious about school.”

A full class load, cooking three times a day, community service, therapy… Awsten wasn’t so sure he would be able to keep up with all this.

“It’s not all day,” Jawn added, reading the stress on Awsten’s face. “Just a couple hours. Learning goes a lot faster when it’s one-on-one. Plus, we can get a lot of it done during quiet time, too. Like, reading or essays. That’s what I usually do if I'm not napping.” He smiled sheepishly. "I take a lot of naps."

“Jawn? Where are you?” came Zakk’s voice from upstairs.

“School room!” Jawn shouted in the direction of the door, and Awsten took a subtle step back to try to lessen the effect of the noise.

“Is Awsten with you?”

“Yeah!”

“Alright. Kitchen - two minutes!”

“Okay!” Jawn smiled at Awsten. “One more thing to show you down here. I saved the best for last. Come on.”

They walked together out of that room and to the one adjacent to it. “This is where we hang out most of the time.” He pushed the door open and flipped the light on. “Welcome to the game room.”

There was a flatscreen TV mounted on the back wall and bin filled with DVDs beneath it, a foosball table in the middle of the space, two arcade-style basketball games in one of the corners, an orange poster displaying a large group of people at a concert with the word SKILLET splashed across it, and the biggest couch Awsten had seen at the house yet.

“It doesn’t look like much," Jawn admitted, "but it’s the most fun place we’ve got here. Besides, it’s what we make it, and we make it a lot.”

“What’s Skillet?” Awsten asked, eyeing the poster.

Jawn huffed. “Oh, god. You’ll find out soon enough. Lucas is obsessed.”

“Is it a band?”

“Yeah. ‘Christian aggro-metal,’” he recited.

“That’s a thing?” Awsten asked with his eyebrows raised.

“Apparently. Lucas usually only plays KSBJ, but he'll break out the Skillet at some point, I'm sure."

"KSBJ... That's the Jesus station, right?"

"Contemporary Christian, yeah. Are you Christian?"

"Um... not really?"

"Okay, well, don't complain about the radio, because if you do, he'll put on the Skillet CD." Jawn gave him an intense look. "There's only ever one CD in the van. It's not terrible, but we've all heard it a thousand times." For good measure, he repeated, "Don't complain about the radio."

Awsten nodded. "Got it."

Jawn flipped the light off and gravitated toward the door, but Awsten stayed behind.

“The phone and those computers in the other room,” he asked slowly. “Are we allowed to use them?”

Jawn looked a little confused. “The phone is for the office, but the computers are for school.”

“No, I mean… for stuff outside of school? Like, could I call somebody or send some emails or something?”

“What, do you have a girlfriend?” Jawn teased. Then, not so jokingly, he asked, "Is she hot?"

Awsten blushed. “I don't have a girlfriend. But my, um. My best friend is gonna freak when he finds out I’m gone. And I want to tell my English teacher where I am, too.”

Jawn looked at him for a moment, his expression unreadable. “You have people,” he finally said.

“What?”

“Nothing,” Jawn mumbled, his affect much flatter than it had been a moment before. “Just... Nobody comes here that has people left. All of us are alone.” He started away. “Except you, I guess.”

Awsten was at a complete loss for words. “I…” 

“Jawn, Awsten, let’s go!” Zakk called cheerfully from the kitchen. He clapped his hands and rubbed them together. “Macaroni and cheese waits for no man!”

The pair wandered out to the entry, and luckily, Jawn brightened up quickly, because two guys in their early twenties had appeared and were getting settled at a folding table that seemingly came out of nowhere. 

"Hey!" Jawn said happily to them.

"Hey, Jawn!" one replied. The other just nodded in acknowledgement. 

"This is Max and Bran," Jawn told Awsten. "They're two of the aides. There's also Sam, Toby, and Owen; you'll meet them later. They all make sure we don't run away."

Max playfully jumped in front of the door with his arms and legs out like an X. He looked kind of like a spy... if spies had floppy, blonde hair and wore t-shirts with Garfield on them.

"Where do you guys go to school again?" Jawn wondered.

"A&M," Bran replied, plugging in his laptop.

"Seniors, babyyyy!" Max grinned. "Hey, what's your name?"

"Awsten."

"Cool. Nice to meet you. I like your hair," Max told him.

Awsten smiled a little and brushed his fingers though it. "Thanks. Nice to meet you, too."

Jawn turned to Awsten again. "There's two of them when Lucas or Zakk aren't here, but usually, there's only one."

Zakk poked his head out of the kitchen just then. "I already called you twice," he said, although he didn't sound upset. 

Jawn waved at Bran and Max and lead Awsten into the kitchen. 

According to the schedule, Lucas had paired Awsten and Jawn up to set the table, boil some water, make the salad, and get the drinks.

“Since you’re new, we get to work together, so we have double the responsibilities,” Jawn explained. “So usually, it’ll only be half the jobs, but you’ll be working by yourself.”

Jawn led Awsten to the cabinets and drawers, and Awsten tried to catalog their contents in his mind. He could still remember Ashton’s name as the first person to go to if he had questions, but he knew that there was no way that by morning he’d recall where the plates were and which drawer held the silverware.

“Hey!” came a bright voice. “You’re the new guy!”

Awsten turned around to see a tan boy with a red bandana in his curly hair. He looked like a freshman.

“Ash, this is Awsten,” Jawn introduced. “Awsten, this is Ashton.” 

Ah, the guy with the answers. 

“Nice to meet you, mate,” Ashton said, clapping a hand on Awsten’s shoulder.

“Ashton,” Zakk said tiredly, “dude, how many times-”

“Oh, sorry,” Ashton frowned, immediately drawing his hand back.

Awsten looked confused. 

“We have a no touching rule,” Zakk explained.

“Oh, it’s okay,” Awsten told Ashton.

“I know," Zakk said, "but it’s still a rule, and we need to follow it.”

“I always forget,” Ashton said sheepishly.

Jawn shook his head. He leaned over to Awsten and whispered, "Zakk's only being a hard-ass because Lucas isn't here. He's a softie most of the time."

“Where’s Travis?” Zakk asked Ashton.

“He’s coming.”

Just then, a gangly boy with big, brown eyes strode into the kitchen. He stopped short at the sight of Awsten, his eyes widening in delight.

“Um, hi,” Awsten offered. “I’m Awsten.”

“Your hair is so cool,” the boy gushed.

Awsten reached up to mess with it. “Thanks.”

“What do we do when someone tells us their name?” Zakk prompted, looking up from the glass casserole dish he was wiping down to give Travis an encouraging smile.

“I'm Travis! It is nice to meet you!” he said enthusiastically, unable to tear his eyes away from Awsten's head.

“It's nice to meet you, too,” Awsten smiled. Awsten remembered Jawn saying that Travis had a lot of issues and wondered if his purple hair was about to become another issue. Luckily, the dye was fading fast.

“Did everybody wash their hands?” Zakk asked.

Awsten watched as the other three boys rushed to the sink, roughly bustling against each other in an attempt to be first. Jawn came out victorious, and Ashton wordlessly filed to the back. Jawn pumped clear soap into his hand, quickly scrubbed his fingers together, and rinsed them off.

“You can go after Travis; I don’t mind waiting,” Ashton told Awsten.

“Oh, no, that’s okay,” Awsten dismissed from a few feet away. “You got there before me.”

“You sure?”

“Ash, you’re too nice,” Jawn declared. “Take your turn.”

Making dinner was significantly less difficult than Awsten had imagined it would be, but he supposed it helped that five people were preparing it and that they all had specific roles to fill. When Awsten and Jawn’s jobs were done, they moved without prompting to help Travis and Ashton finish the macaroni casserole. Once Ashton slid it into the oven, the four boys traveled as a group to the game room, where Ashton invited Awsten to play foosball.

“Oh, no, that’s okay,” he declined.

“Are you sure?” Ashton asked, and he looked so hopeful that Awsten would change his mind that Awsten had to give in and say yes.

He and Ashton knocked the ball back and forth across the table while Jawn absently tossed a few basketballs into one of the hoops. Travis just sat on the couch beside Max, merrily bouncing his leg and helping Max observe. 

Awsten managed to score on Ashton, and Ashton grinned. “Nice move!” he congratulated.

"Yay, Awsten!" Travis cheered.

Ashton reached up for a high-five. Awsten moved to slap his hand but then faltered.

“Dude, Lucas and Zakk aren't here,” Jawn said, rolling his eyes a little. “It’s fine.”

Awsten glanced at Max, who shrugged one shoulder, and smacked his palm against Ashton’s.

“If we play teams, I want you on mine,” Ashton declared.

“No, I call him,” Jawn argued.

Ashton laughed. “You can’t call him after I just did. That’s, like… the opposite of how that works.”

"No, I-"

“How come you have purple hair and I don’t?” Travis asked suddenly.

Awsten turned to look at him. “Oh. Um…”

“There’s this stuff that’s kind of like paint that you can put in your hair,” Ashton said carefully, staring thoughtfully up at the ceiling as he concentrated on his answer. “It makes your hair turn a color, and it stays that way for a while, but if your hair grows, the color doesn’t show up on that part. And after a while, the color fades.”

Travis seemed confused. Awsten watched him think, wondering absently if he had special needs. He couldn't put his finger on why, but Travis looked different than anyone Awsten had ever seen before.

“You know how if you leave something in the sun for a long time - like, months - it gets less bright?” Ashton tried again.

“Uh-huh…”

“It’s kind of like that.”

“Oh. Do you have more paint?” Travis asked Awsten, who shook his head. Travis looked back at Ashton. “Can Zakk get the paint for me?”

“Probably not,” Ashton said regretfully. “You can ask him, but… probably not.”

“But I want purple hair like Awsten,” Travis pressed.

Awsten ran his fingers through it self-consciously.

The door to the game room opened further, and Zakk walked in. “I almost forgot,” he began, but he was quickly interrupted by Travis blurting, “Can I have purple paint?”

Zakk blinked and then tilted his head in confusion. “For what?”

“Ash tried to explain hair dye,” Jawn supplied.

Zakk nodded in understanding. “Oh. No, Travis. Not here. I’m sorry, buddy.”

Travis deflated.

“Um, question,” Zakk said, already moving on. “I was already really proud of how hard you guys worked on the garden today, and Lucas said he got a really nice email from Andy from the site, so we decided that you can pick a treat to have after dinner.”

There was a murmur of excitement through the room.

“We’ve got stuff for ice cream sundaes, or we can vote on a Disney movie.”

“Movie!” Travis exclaimed.

“Trav...” 

“Oops, sorry! I forgot about voting.”

Zakk looked over at Awsten. “We close our eyes when we vote. Just put your hand up for what you want, okay?”

Awsten nodded and shut his eyes.

“Okay. Ice cream… and Disney movie.”

Awsten raised his hand. God knew he could do with a distraction before bed.

“Alright, two and two,” Zakk said, and Jawn groaned. “That means I get to be the tie breaker. Movie it is.”

“Yay!” Travis crowed.

Peace and Purpose Home for Young Men - Dining Room
March 10, 6:04 PM

“Alright, Jawn, it’s your turn.” Zakk held out his hands, and all the boys followed suit so that they were each grasping the hands of the people next to them. There was no one sitting to Awsten’s left, but Ashton reached across the table to him.

Grace, Awsten realized. They were going to say grace.

“Dear God,” Jawn started monotonously, “thanks for helping us make dinner. And thanks for Awsten coming here. Amen.”

Zakk cleared his throat.

“Oh, and bless this food we’re about to receive,” he recited. “Amen.”

“Amen,” everyone else echoed, and the room was filled with the sound of forks clanking.

“Amen,” Awsten muttered under his breath.

“Alright, let’s do high-lows,” Zakk said, and then he took a bite of pasta. He chewed, swallowed, and prompted, “Does somebody want to tell Awsten what high-lows are?”

All three of the boys opened their mouths to speak, but Travis was the loudest. “I will!” He looked to Awsten. “We say our most favoritest thing and our least favoritest thing of the day!”

Awsten nodded.

“It’s your high point and your low point,” Jawn explained.

“Who wants to go first? Travis, you went first last night - and the night before - so let’s let someone else have a turn.”

“O-kay,” Travis replied glumly.

“I’ll start,” Ashton volunteered.

“Great. Go ahead.”

“My high point was when the people at the neighborhood said that they thought we did a good job with the flowers, because I could tell that they meant it. It felt good to hear that since we worked so hard. For so long. And my low point was how tired I was when we were out there.” He shook his head, a light smile on his face. “Who knew such little flowers took so much work?”

Jawn nodded in fervent agreement.

“It sounds like you guys did a great job,” Zakk noted. “Did the compliments make the tired feeling go away?”

“No, but they made me happy.”

Zakk nodded. “That's awesome, Ash. Alright, who’s next?”

Travis, having gotten the message that he needed to wait, kicked his feet back and forth under the table.

“I’ll go,” Jawn offered. “Um, my high point was finding out Awsten was coming,” he admitted, looking a little embarrassed. “And my low point was…” He swallowed. “I got jealous.”

“Of what?”

Awsten’s stomach squeezed nervously, but Jawn just shook his head.

“Do you still feel that way?”

Jawn nodded.

“What can you do to make yourself feel better?”

Jawn swallowed. “I’m gonna talk to Lucas when he gets home.”

Awsten couldn’t help but notice the last word in Jawn’s sentence.

“That’s a great idea. Anything in the meantime?”

“Remembering what I have and not comparing myself to someone else.”

“Good, Jawn,” Zakk nodded, and Awsten could tell that Zakk sounded proud. “Awsten, would you like to take a turn?”

“Um, okay. My high point was…” He swallowed, thinking back through his day. Waking up in Otto’s room felt like weeks ago. “I got to play with a cat this morning. And my low point…” God, there was so much to choose from. The disastrous morning at school, Mr. W finding him sobbing on the ground, seeing Mrs. Wood cry, having to say goodbye to the only family he’d known, the nightmare…

“I had a panic attack,” he finally admitted. “Those are still really new to me.”

“How did you get through it?”

“Um… For a long time I was alone, and I couldn’t make it go away. But then, um. Someone helped me.”

“And it got better after that?”

Awsten nodded.

“That’s good, Awsten. Thank you for sharing that with us. I’m glad you’re feeling better now.”

“Me, too.”

“Okay, Travis, you’re up. Thank you for waiting so patiently.”

“My high point was getting to touch all them pretty flowers,” Travis blurted immediately, “and my low point was finding out that I can’t get purple hair paint.”

Zakk smiled at him. “You were ready, huh?” he asked.

“You can probably get the hair paint when you leave,” Awsten noted. “I’ll tell you which one it is so you can get the exact color.”

“Really?” Travis asked, glowing.

Awsten couldn’t help but smile. “Really, dude.”

“I have a new high point!” Travis announced.

Everyone laughed.

Peace and Purpose Home For Young Men
March 10, 9:10 PM

After two helpings of dinner, a few minutes clearing the table and drying dishes, and an hour and a half sitting on the floor in the game room watching Peter Pan, Awsten was feeling significantly better than he had that morning. He was still a little anxious and still a little distressed, especially about not having Otto by his side - and not being able to assure Otto that he was safe here - but it was comforting knowing that he didn’t have to face Lakeview High in the morning.

When the golden pirate ship had safely delivered the Darling children home to London, Zakk sent the boys upstairs to get ready for bed. The bathroom was full. Awsten and Jawn split a sink while they both brushed their teeth as Travis went through his bedtime medicine routine and Ashton showered.

“Did anybody tell you about the shower rules?” Jawn asked as they headed back into their room.

“Um, no?”

“We used to have timed showers,” Jawn explained, shedding his clothes until all he had left were boxers and an undershirt. “Eight minutes max. There was a guy here before that took too long in the shower, so Lucas set a time limit. Travis still has the eight minute rule cause he never wants to get out, but nobody else does, which is good because sometimes you need to calm down, you know, and you have some extra time to do that by yourself. That’s okay. But just don’t take too long all the time, or else the rule will come back. It’s like the pantry.” He reached beneath his bed and pulled out a textbook.

“Is that for school?” Awsten wondered.

“Yeah. I’ve got a test on Thursday, which means all my stuff for the two chapters are due. Physics.”

“So fun,” Awsten deadpanned.

Jawn rolled his eyes in agreement and gave him an overly fake smile. “You know it.”

Awsten turned away and opened his duffle bag, which was still sitting on his bed where he’d left it. He could tell that Lucas had searched through it, but everything was still inside. Awsten dug to the bottom for his pjs but caught a flash of familiar green fabric. He pulled the frog out before he could stop himself.

“Aww,” Jawn chuckled teasingly.

Awsten whipped around, his cheeks flaming red. “Oh - no, dude, I didn’t pack this. My, uh…” He trailed off, not wanting to continue, but Jawn looked curious.

“Your…?” he echoed.

“My friend’s mom did.” He sighed and toyed with Oliver’s foot. “I told her not to, but she must have snuck him in when I wasn’t looking.”

“Oh,” Jawn said emptily. His gaze had dropped down to his textbook again, where he folded and unfolded the bottom corner of the page.

Looking at Oliver made him feel a little better, though, so Awsten awkwardly crossed the room to set the frog on the dresser like Mrs. Wood had earlier, and then he went about putting pajamas on. A few minutes after he had taken a seat on the bed and started staring blankly at the wall, Zakk’s voice called out, summoning the boys back downstairs.

“Aren’t we going to sleep?” Awsten asked.

“No, we have to do our night meeting first. I don’t know why we get ready for bed and then do it. It’s weird.”

Awsten trailed behind the other boys down the stairs and over to the couches. Jawn took a seat in the armchair, and Travis filled the space beside Zakk. Awsten sat beside Ashton and waited to see what would happen.

“Alright, safety levels?” Zakk asked, his eyes on a clipboard as the boys settled in.

“Ten,” Ashton and Jawn chorused.

“Ten,” Travis nodded.

Zakk leaned across the space to pass Awsten a piece of paper with a little chart on it. Awsten skimmed it and then agreed. “Yeah, ten.”

“Jawn, how are you feeling?” Zakk asked.

“Um… I feel… calm.”

Zakk made a note on the clipboard. “And remind us of your goal for today and tell us if you met it.”

“My goal was to read chapter twelve of my physics book. I’m almost done. I have, like, two pages left, which is kind of more than I thought I’d be able to do, so.”

Zakk smiled at Jawn. “Alright, sounds good. Ash? How you feeling, man?”

“I feel magnificent,” Ashton said, over-enunciating and smiling genuinely. "Happy."

“Oh yeah? How come?” Zakk wondered. Awsten watched upside-down as he wrote ‘happy’ on the line below Jawn’s ‘calm.’

“I don’t know. I just had a good day. It was… rewarding.”

“What was your goal?”

“Not to complain about the yard work. And I didn’t,” he grinned.

“Good. I know everybody must have appreciated that. Travis? How are you feeling?”

Travis shrugged.

Zakk waited while he decided.

“I… am…”

Jawn sighed impatiently.

“I am mad,” he finally said.

“Really?” Zakk asked, surprised. “Can you tell me why?”

“Not a lot mad, just a little mad,” Travis explained. He pointed at Awsten, who shrank a little under the harsh gaze. “I want purple hair.” Then he glared at Zakk. “And I want Lucas to come back. I like it most when both of you are here with me.”

“He’ll be back before you even wake up.”

“Where is he? Where does he go?” Travis demanded.

“Travis-”

“Where does he go?” Jawn echoed. “Does he have a wife? Or like-”

“That’s not a question for me. You’ll have to ask him about his days off,” Zakk interrupted, waving them off.  “Travis, do you want to talk about your anger?” 

“No.” He frowned. “I want Lucas.”

“Alright, well, you’re going to have to wait on that. Will you tell us what your goal for the day was?”

“To not have to have you remind me to take my night medicine.”

“And did you fulfill your goal?”

Travis shook his head, looking discouraged.

“Hey, that’s okay, man,” Zakk told him reassuringly. “We'll try again tomorrow, yeah?”

He nodded glumly.

“Alright, Awsten, you’re up. I know you didn’t set a goal with us this morning, so we’ll skip that part, but will you tell us how you’re feeling and maybe something that you accomplished today?”

“Okay, um… I’m feeling… tired. And I… learned everybody’s name?”

“That’s an important step,” Zakk smiled. “And I know ‘tired’ is a great descriptor right now, but can you give me a feeling word? An emotion.”

“Oh. I’m…” Awsten had to take a moment to think. He hoped Jawn wouldn’t be annoyed with him the way he was with Travis. “I think I’m kind of nervous.”

“Why?”

Awsten shrugged.

Zakk waited.

“I just… it’s a new place.” He didn’t add his anxieties about not sleeping near Otto, about possibly having a nightmare in front of people who wouldn’t understand, about spending the next several days - weeks? - having to actually confront what had happened to him both with his parents and at the school…

“Understandable,” Zakk nodded. “I’m here if you need anything, okay? And Brandon and Max are here, too, if you have questions about the house or you just need some hangout time." 

The college students in the dining room both looked over, momentarily forgetting about their laptops and the mountain of notes spread between them. The blonde one, Max, smiled warmly, and the dark-haired one, Brandon, lifted a hand.

Awsten nodded at them, pulled the cuffs of his sweater over the tips of his fingers, and drew his hands into loose fists.

“Does anybody have anything they want to talk about?” Zakk looked around the circle, but when no one responded, he nodded and stood up. The boys followed suit. “Alright, then. Goodnight, guys.”

There was a small chorus of goodnights in response.

“I’m going to log all this into the computer,” he said, holding up the clipboard, "and when I come upstairs to check on you, all the lights are gonna be out, yes?”

“Yes,” Ashton echoed.

“See you in the morning.” They started up the stairs, and Zakk headed for the office, but he stopped before he got all the way in. “Oh - Awsten, did Lucas show you where my room is?”

“Yeah. That one, right?” Awsten asked, pointing up at it.

“Yep. Just let me know if you need me,” he repeated.

Awsten nodded, smiling a little. Zakk seemed nice, but Awsten wouldn’t be waking anybody up for anything if he could help it.

He sighed quietly as he walked through the doorway and subsequently collapsed onto the twin bed. Jawn grabbed the book out from under his bed and quickly flipped to the page he’d left off on.

“Are you, like,” Awsten began, trying to figure out how to phrase his question without coming off as rude or using the word ‘nerd.’ “…an honor student?”

Jawn barked a laugh. “No. God, no. I’m trying to pass. Right now, I’m not, and I really don’t want to be stuck in high school for another fucking year, so.” He held up the book.

Awsten nodded. He pulled the covers back and climbed under them, positioning himself to face the wall. His eyes fluttered shut just as Jawn turned the thin page of his textbook. Although he was tired, he didn’t feel sleepy, and he wasn’t sure he could fall asleep, but despite his nap, the day had been exhausting.

He must have been more drained than he realized, though, because he was drifting toward unconsciousness when Jawn suddenly whispered into the silence, “Hey, Awsten?”

Awsten opened his eyes to find the lamp off. He wasn’t sure when that had happened. “Yeah?”

“Shh. Zakk’s up here and he didn't close his door yet.”

He lowered his voice. “Oh.” There was a pause. “What?”

“About the phone,” Jawn whispered. “You have to ask for permission first, but you can use it. I don’t know about email; you’d have to talk to Lucas.”

Awsten was silent for several seconds, shocked that Jawn had given him an answer. About five hours later, yes, but still. He said sincerely, “Thanks, Jawn.”

“No problem.” Jawn’s covers rustled loudly as he turned over, trying to get comfortable.“Goodnight.”

“Night.”

Chapter Text

Peace and Purpose Home for Young Men - Jawn and Awsten's Room
March 11, 6:30 AM

“Good morning, gentlemen! Rise and shine!”

Awsten pulled himself out of a heavy, dead sleep to blink blearily. He had no idea where he was or why some man was yelling ‘rise and shine’ at him, but when he turned his head and saw a boy in an identical bed across the room, and it clicked.

“What time is it?” Awsten rasped to Jawn.

“Six thirty,” Jawn replied, his voice thick with sleep.

Awsten groaned.

Someone jogged down the steps, light on their feet, and Awsten figured it was too early for it to be anyone but Lucas.

Awsten sat up and rubbed his eyes, yawning widely. “Why are we up so early?”

“Breakfast.”

“But why at six thirty?”

“Hell if I know.”

The sound of pots and pans clanging together filled the air for a second, and then the downstairs faucet turned on.

“I hate not having a door,” Awsten complained.

“You’ll get used to it. I don’t even think about it anymore.”

“Lu-cas!” came a shout. It sounded like Ashton.

“Yeah?” Lucas yelled back.

“Travis just threw up again!”

There was a pause. Awsten shot Jawn a surprised look.

“On the bed?” Lucas called, and it sounded like he’d come to the bottom of the stairs.

“Sink!”

Awsten could hear him sigh. “Okay. Don’t rinse it. I’ll be right there.” Lucas retreated to the kitchen for a moment and then jogged back up the stairs. He poked his head into Awsten and Jawn’s room on his way to investigate.

“Good morning, gentlemen.”

“Morning,” they replied. Jawn grudgingly sat up.

“Awsten, how’d you sleep?”

“Good.”

“Good. Jawn?”

“Yeah, good.”

“Great. Jawn, the chart is up on the fridge. I’m going to take Travis into the office for a minute, so if you and Ashton would get breakfast going while I talk to him, I would really appreciate it.”

“That’s fine.”

Lucas nodded. “Thank you. I knew I could count on you.”

Awsten didn’t miss the way Jawn smiled down at the covers as Lucas walked out.

Lucas headed into the bathroom, and he lowered his voice. “Hey, Travis. You alright?”

Jawn went to the dresser, slid Oliver a few inches off to the side, and opened one of the drawers.

Awsten shifted uncomfortably, unsure of what to do with himself. “Um. I was gonna take a shower, but…”

“They probably won’t take more than a few minutes,” Jawn assured him. “Just get everything else ready so you can be downstairs on time.”

“When-”

“Six fifty.”

“Mmkay.” Awsten leaned over to drag his bag onto the comforter and sift through it. He laid a set of wrinkled clothes out on his bed as Jawn got dressed. Sure enough, the tap in the bathroom turned on a moment later.

“Oh, and we have to make our beds every day, too,” Jawn noted as he started working on his own.

“Oh.”

“It doesn’t have to be fancy. Just kinda pull it together.”

“Okay.”

Awsten heard Lucas head back down the staircase, still with far too much pep in his step for six AM - and dealing with puke, too. Jawn nodded at the door. “It’s all yours.”

Travis was brushing his teeth when Awsten went into the shared space. Awsten could smell what had happened, but he felt bad for the guy.

“Hey,” Awsten said hesitantly. “Are you okay?”

Travis looked over, seeming a little surprised but happy that Awsten had initiated a conversation with him. “Yes! I am okay. I'm not sick, but I throw up sometimes in mornings.”

Awsten nodded. At least Travis didn’t seem embarrassed. 

Awsten disappeared into the shower room and shut the door. There was a divider on the tile floor, maybe four inches high, that separated the shower from the rest of the space. Awsten hung his towel on the hook and leaned in to turn the water on. While it warmed up, he shed his clothes, taking the time to actually fold them for once before he set them down. From the other side of the door, Awsten heard Jawn call something to Ashton and Ashton reply, but he couldn’t make out the words. Awsten stuck his fingers under the water and, satisfied that it was hot enough, stepped under the stream. He tipped his head back to wet his hair, and once that was done, he glanced at all the bottles on the floor. There were two different kinds of soap in the front, which he moved out of the way so he could search for shampoo. When he found it, his stomach dropped.

He shakily picked the red and gray bottle up in his hand, staring down at it unblinkingly. Out of all the brands in the entire fucking world, it had to be this one…

And there was no other choice. Fuck.

Awsten swallowed and squeezed some into his palm, attempting not to pull the familiar scent in through his nostrils; he would gladly take the smell of the vomit over this. He began trying desperately not to think about all the nights he’d spent in the shower, using the private space to hide away from his parents on the rare occasions they decided to actually pay attention to him (only to punish him, of course), washing his hair with exactly the same shampoo.

He lathered it up and rinsed it out as quickly as he could, but as soon as he’d laid eyes on the label, the damage had been done. After a minute or so with some soap, he emerged from the shower and headed back to his room to grab his clothes. (He hadn’t thought about the fact that the bedroom had no door, and even though Travis was gone and Jawn and Ashton had disappeared downstairs to work on breakfast, he still went into the bathroom to change.) He dressed and toweled his hair as close to dry as he could manage before slipping downstairs. 

“Hey,” Ashton greeted brightly. “Can you grab some eggs from the fridge?” 

“Yeah, sure,” Awsten replied, glad for the instant distraction. “How many?” 

“Umm,” Ashton hummed. He leaned over and checked a piece of paper lying on the counter. “Three.” 

Awsten crossed the room to the refrigerator, found the eggs in the door, and brought three to the counter where Ashton and Jawn were poring over a recipe. 

Ashton smiled at him gratefully. “Thanks, man.” 

“No problem.” Awsten headed back to the refrigerator to look at the spreadsheet, scanning it until he found his name under the heading that read BREAKFAST. Thankfully, all he had to do was set the table, pour the drinks, and help out with whatever the other boys needed. 

By the time he was finished, Travis and Lucas were heading into the kitchen. Awsten had gone ahead and started the pan of scrambled eggs that Travis had been assigned. Travis emitted a joyful word of thanks as Awsten passed him the spatula he’d been using.

Soon, two large stacks of steaming pancakes were placed on the table, and the boys sat down to say grace.

“Ashton, it’s your turn,” Lucas reminded, walking up to the table and shaking a few pills out of little orange containers.

“I know,” Ashton smiled. He waited until Lucas had set one pill at Travis’ napkin and another beside Jawn’s to prompt, “Hands, lads.”

Awsten was so busy staring at the medicine bottles, trying to make out the little letters printed on the labels, that Jawn had to nudge him to get him to reach for Lucas’ hand.

“Oh,” Awsten mumbled.

He bowed his head and glanced down at Jawn’s tiny blue pill as Ashton began saying grace. He could, miraculously, read what was carved into it - “PAXIL 30.”

Awsten wondered what Paxil was.

Breakfast flew by with easy conversation - just the boys catching Lucas up on what he’d missed the day before - and a while later, Awsten found himself seated on the maroon couch for the morning meeting. They each checked in with their safety levels, and then Lucas got out the clipboard Zakk had been writing on the night before. Instead of one sheet, it had several pieces of paper on it. 

“Hello, everyone,” Lucas greeted, which Awsten thought was a bit odd, because they’d just spent the last forty-five minutes together making breakfast, eating it, and cleaning it up. No one else seemed to think his words were strange, though. Lucas had that same leather jacket on that he’d been wearing the day before, and his hair was in a ponytail again. Awsten thought he seemed kind of cool.

“We’ve got another busy day ahead of us,” Lucas told them. “Today we’re going on another outing; the church needs one of their rooms repainted, and they reached out to us for help.”

“Painting walls?” Jawn groaned.

“Jawn,” Lucas warned lightly.

Jawn sighed, sagging back into the sofa cushions.

“Brendon and Ryan will be here very soon for school, and we’ll leave at noon for the church. They’ll provide us with lunch in return for our work. I expect you all to be the kind and generous gentlemen that I know you to be. Once we finish, we’ll come back here for some quiet time, and I know that most of you will likely still have homework, and it’ll be up to you to stay on top of that. From there, everything should run as usual. Does anyone have any questions?”

No one responded.

“Alright, then. Who would like to start us off?”

“Me!” Travis cried.

“Okay, Travis, let’s see…”

“Nine, ten, nine, one-” Travis began, but Lucas interrupted him.

“Slow down,” he reminded gently. “First, tell us how you’re feeling today.”

“But I already told you. In the office, before.”

“You told me,” Lucas nodded, “but let’s tell the group.”

“Oh. I’m feeling mad still.”

“Why?”

Travis responded simply, “Cause I been thinking about my family." 

“What about your family?”

“How they treated me. How nobody else had to live out in the shed like I did. Nobody else in my family and nobody else I know.”

Awsten looked confusedly at Lucas, who hadn't taken his focus off of Travis, his eyebrows knitted together in empathy.

Ashton’s hand moved in Travis' direction, and it caught Awsten’s eye, but before it could get anywhere, Ashton stopped short and quickly set it back down in his own lap.

“I don’t want to say nothing else about it,” Travis declared as he realized that Lucas was waiting for him to continue.

“Okay. Thanks for sharing that. Go ahead and rate your pain for us.”

“Nine.”

“Wh-” Lucas began, but Travis already knew what the question was going to be.

“My belly still feels kinda bad.”

“Alright. I saw you eat a little bit at breakfast. Did that help?”

Travis nodded.

“Okay. And rate your depression.”

“Ten,” Travis muttered.

Lucas’ eyebrows rose, and he observed, “That’s a lot for you.”

Travis shrugged. “I been thinking about my family,” he repeated.

Lucas nodded and made a note on his sheet. “How many-”

“Nine. And one.”

“Okay. What’s your goal for today?”

“To feel better.”

“That’s a good idea; can you set it as something more quantifiable?”

Travis gave him a puzzled look.

Lucas rephrased. “Something we can measure, remember? Maybe to get your depression number down by tonight or to-”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

“I want it to be zero.”

“That’s a big difference,” Lucas pointed out, but when Travis didn’t change his mind, he wrote it down. “Alright, thank you, Travis. Who’s next? Awsten?”

Awsten swallowed and looked at Lucas with nervous eyes.

“How are you feeling this morning?”

“Fine,” Awsten said.

“I’m glad to hear that,” Lucas smiled. “Can you label it with an emotion?”

“Um… n… neutral?”

“I use ‘calm,’” Jawn offered.

“That,” Awsten said.

Lucas wrote it down. “And rate your pain for us. Headache, nausea, soreness, anything like that. Our scale goes from one to 100.”

“One. I’m fine.”

“Okay, and what about any depression? Same scale.”

Awsten swallowed. He was used to not paying any attention to his emotions at all, and now he was supposed to identify them, name them, rank them and share them with a group of people he hardly knew? “One,” he lied.

Lucas seemed skeptical, but he didn’t press it. “How many hours did you sleep last night?”

“I don’t know when we went to bed,” Awsten admitted, “but I slept all night.”

“That’s nine hours,” Lucas said. “Did you wake up at all overnight?”

“Um, just for a second.”

“That counts. How many times?”

“Twice, I think.” He watched as Lucas scribbled a 9, a slash, and a 2.

“Have you thought about a goal for today?”

“Um, no…”

“Alright. Why don’t you think about that while Jawn has his turn, and then we’ll come back to you?”

“Okay.” But Jawn and Ashton both went, and Awsten still hadn’t settled on anything.

“I need something,” Lucas said with a small smile, tapping his pen absently on the edge of the clipboard. “It doesn’t have to be earth-shattering, but I need something. Brendon and Ryan will be here any minute.”

“I…” Awsten stalled. He wrung his hands in his lap. “I want to… Um…” He couldn’t think of anything. His mind had never been so blank in his life, and everything was either too big or irrelevant.

I don’t want to freak out.

Too late.

I don’t want to be a burden to Otto and his family.

Too removed.

I don’t want to disappoint Mr. W.

Too pathetic.

Without thinking about what he was doing, Awsten buried his face in his hands.

“Hey, Awsten?” Lucas said gently. “It’s okay.” His voice quieted. “Gentlemen, go ahead and get your stuff ready for Ryan and Brendon. Awsten and I will be right in.”

Awsten listened as the other boys got up and walked away, and then he felt Lucas drift toward him.

“I’m not crying,” Awsten bit before Lucas could say anything.

“Okay,” Lucas replied easily. “Come on. Let’s go in the office for a minute.”

Awsten stood and followed him in, his arms crossed over his chest.

“What’s going on?” Lucas asked.

“Nothing,” Awsten snapped. “I just can’t think of anything.”

Lucas looked at him for a long moment and then said carefully, “I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that you rated your depression as a one this morning. This isn’t a mental health group, but all of the young men who come through here have been through something difficult, and-”

“I’m not depressed.”

“I’m not saying that you are. What I’m trying to say is that you’re displaying a fair amount of irritability for someone who isn’t feeling upset.”

He snorted defiantly. “I’m fine.”

“Awsten, lying isn’t going to help you here.”

“I’m not lying! I really just couldn’t think of anything!”

“Alright, then let’s think of something together.”

At the sound of Lucas’ placating tone, Awsten wanted to start a fight, but he bit his tongue. Otto’s dad had asked him to try, yes, but what kept him quiet was the fact that he kept picturing Mr. W and what Mr. W would want him to do.

He took a deep breath and raised his eyes to find Lucas watching him closely.

“What are you thinking about?” Lucas softly asked.

He cast his gaze back down. “I don’t know.”

Lucas set his pen down. “Awsten, I want to help you. But I can’t help you if you’re not honest with me.” He paused. “Do you understand that?”

Awsten nodded. His voice was quiet as he confessed, “I was thinking about trying to make the right choice.”

“And what’s the right choice?”

“Not arguing with you.”

Lucas smiled. “That’s very wise, Awsten. And I’m not just saying that because I don’t want to argue with you, either. You’re thinking outside of your emotion, which is impressive.”

Awsten didn’t say anything.

“Have you been in therapy before? Your file says you haven’t.”

He shook his head.

“Have you been working on wise mind with Rian?”

“I don’t... think so. I don’t know what that is.”

“Okay. Well, I’m impressed with you either way.”

Awsten fiddled with his fingers. “I don’t want to cause any problems,” he said softly. “I want to be done with that.”

Lucas was quiet for a moment. “You were in detention pretty often at school, right?”

Awsten nodded.

“What kinds of things were you doing to get detention?”

“Whatever I had to,” Awsten shrugged emotionlessly. “I never did my homework, I’d come in late and talk while the teacher was, be places I wasn’t supposed to be, just...”

“Whatever you had to do,” Lucas echoed thoughtfully. “Why did you feel the need to get detention?”

Awsten looked away, a mirthless laugh escaping his lips.

“We’re getting off track, aren’t we?” Lucas realized, and he shook his head at himself. “Let’s go back to your goal.”

“I don’t want to get in trouble today,” Awsten said immediately. God, why couldn’t that have popped into his head six minutes ago?

“Sounds good.” Just then, a car pulled into the driveway, and Lucas glanced through the small window. “Perfect timing. That’ll be the tutors.” He motioned to the door. “You remember where the school room is?”

Awsten nodded.

“Alright. Go on in there.” Lucas smiled as though he’d just realized something. “You’re going to love Brendon.”

Awsten left the office and headed to the school room.

“You get to sit by me,” Travis said proudly when Awsten walked in, but when Awsten went for the chair beside him, Travis quickly changed his tune.  “No! One more. You have to leave space.”

“Oh, okay,” Awsten said quickly. He wondered if that was another one of Travis’ ‘issues,’ not wanting to be too close to people, although it hadn’t seemed to be a problem before.

“Travis, be nice,” Jawn sighed.

“That’s where Brendon sits,” Ashton explained to Awsten. 

“Oh.”

“Bo-oyyyys!” came a cheerful voice. “Good morning, good morning!” In through the door waltzed a man in tight pants with wild eyes and slicked back hair. He had a stack of books that Awsten recognized tucked under his arm. “Travis, my man!” the guy cried, going to hug Travis and happily muss his hair. “How are you?”

“Good,” Travis crowed, bouncing into the embrace.

“Wonderful! And you - now you, my little cotton candy dream, you must be Awsten.”

Awsten’s eyebrows arched.

“My name is Brendon, and I am going to take you on the wildest ride through education that you ever imagined! I plan to enrich your life in ways beyond your biggest dreams! Together, we will-”

“Bren. Are we really doing the speech again?”

Behind Brendon was standing the person who’d spoken, a taller man with messy hair, gentle brown eyes, and a distressed James Bond t-shirt.

Brendon sighed dramatically. “I guess not.” He winked, dropped into the chair between Awsten and Travis, and unceremoniously slammed the large stack of books onto the table, making Awsten jump. Brendon must have immediately noticed the uneasy look on Awsten’s face, because he quickly wrapped a hand around Awsten’s wrist. “Oh, I’m sorry!” he said quickly. “They told me not to make loud noises, and I forgot.”

Awsten smiled awkwardly and pulled his hand away, wondering who Brendon's 'they' referred to. “It’s okay.”

“No, I’m really sorry,” he insisted.

“Awsten, I’m Ryan,” the other man interrupted. “It’s nice to meet you.”

Awsten gave him the same uncomfortable smile and didn’t speak.

“I went to your school and got all your things,” Brendon noted, sure to keep his voice lower this time. “I have your assignments for the next few days, and I know it looks like a lot, but we’re going to take each class one section at a time. This might be easier for you than real school; a lot of my kids say they like it better this way. Okay?”

Awsten nodded.

“Okay. Is there a certain subject you’d like to start with?”

Awsten shook his head. The morning was off to a bit of a rocky start, and all Awsten could really think about was how much he missed Otto. Plus, he should have been in Mr. W’s class right then, somewhere he would much rather be than here.

“Okay, well,” Brendon said, sifting through the stack, “Typically, I have students here save English for quiet time because it’s usually a lot of reading, which you can do on your own.”

Awsten watched carefully as he set a paperback copy of The Five People You Meet In Heaven off to the side.

“I see you have physics and math; do you enjoy either of those?”

Awsten reluctantly shook his head.

“That’s okay,” Brendon assured. “What else… Oh, here’s history. Shall we start here?”

“Sure,” Awsten said quietly.

“Great!” Brendon reached inside the cover of the history book for a sheet of paper. Awsten recognized the handwriting on it as Mrs. Anderson’s. He’d seen it before on the white board - and on countless detention slips.

He caught, Try to be patient with him, on the top of the paper before Brendon folded the corner over it, and he sank a little in his chair. The sentiment had been nice enough, but it was a warning to Brendon that Awsten was a problem. 

“Let’s see,” Brendon continued brightly, as though nothing had happened. “Chapter twenty-four.” He removed the history book from the pile and slid it to Awsten. “Why don’t you go ahead and skim that chapter while I start with Travis, and then I’ll show you what she wants you to do.”

“Kay,” Awsten murmured. He opened the book and flipped back to the chapter while Brendon began talking to Travis about algebra.

One cool thing about working with Brendon was that Awsten managed to knock out all of his history work for two entire weeks in the span of about three hours. He wouldn’t have to think about it again until April. Another cool thing was that - and Awsten learned this very quickly - Brendon was kind of wild. He threw his head back when he laughed, and he laughed often. He was bright and full of excitement. Awsten felt like he had been nominated for a Grammy or something with how excited Brendon had gotten when Awsten put his pencil down and declared his quiz finished. The weirdest part was that it seemed genuine.

Awsten kind of liked it. And while he was glad to stop working on school stuff at noon, he did feel a little sad when it came time for Brendon to leave.

“Goodbye, my angels!” Brendon crowed, squeezing Awsten and Travis each into an arm for a hug. “Have a wonderful day! I shall see you tomorrow!”

“He’s crazy,” Jawn noted, walking over to Awsten once Brendon and Ryan had left the room.

Awsten shrugged. “I like him.”

“I like him, too. He’s just... crazy.”

There wasn’t time for anything else to be said before Lucas came rushing in. “Alright, is everybody ready? Let’s go. We’ll be late if we don’t leave right now.”

"I have to go to the bathroom," Jawn stated stubbornly. 

"Can you hold it?"

Jawn shook his head.

Lucas sighed a little. "Okay, go. Quickly, please." 

“I’m hungry,” Travis frowned as they headed across the house toward the side door. 

“I know. I put some snacks in the van.”

The snacks turned out to be those little round crackers with either cheese or peanut butter squashed between them. Awsten didn’t think they tasted particularly like cheese or peanut butter, but he didn’t complain. After growing up in a house that rarely had food inside, he knew that any snack was better than no snack at all.

Awsten ate silently on the way while the boys chattered about what grand thing Calum might be doing right that minute and their guesses about what lunch would consist of. Once they had parked at the church, they piled out and headed straight for the entrance.

“We’re going to the offices upstairs,” Lucas said.

Awsten hung a few feet back behind the group, so Lucas slowed down.

“You alright?”

Awsten nodded, and for once, it wasn’t a lie.

“When we’re done here, you can get some rest at home.”

Awsten nodded again. Lucas tried to fall into step beside him, but Awsten quickly darted away and caught up with the other boys.

They stopped around some supplies outside a locked door. Atop a paint can was a hurriedly scrawled note, and Lucas bent down to pick it up. He scanned it and then read it aloud to the group.

Yo -
Something came up with the preschool and I have to run. Not sure when I’ll be back. Everything should be here but please call Big T if you need anything else. Lunches are in the fridge 4 you. Labeled and everything. Thank you again from the bottom of my heart, you guys are lifesavers. Your all getting the biggest hugs tomorrow.
In Him,
JB

“Alright, then,” Lucas hummed. “Grab something and let’s head over.”

Awsten took a paint can in each hand and followed the rest of the group to a bare room with a ladder, several newspapers laid out on the floor, and multiple rolls of bright blue tape.

“How are we going to do this?” Ashton asked, pushing his bandana up to the crown of his head.

Lucas motioned for all the boys to set their things down in the center of the room. “Let’s assess.”

Before Awsten knew it, the jobs were divided up, and the work began. Soon after, half the room had been painted. It moved quickly with five people sharing the task, so it didn’t feel that late when Lucas declared that it was lunchtime. Awsten found himself seated on the tile floor in the hallway with Jawn, munching on a turkey and cheese sandwich from a brown paper bag.

“What did it mean in the note,” Awsten asked, “‘tomorrow’? Are we not going to be done?”

“Oh, no, no. Jon, the guy who wrote the note? He leads the youth group, so he’s in charge of bible study.”

“And we go to that?”

“Mmhmm.”

Awsten made a face.

“Hey, it’s not that bad. It’s only, like, an hour. And there’s pizza, which means we don’t have to make dinner.”

“I’m just… not really religious,” Awsten shrugged.

“Yeah.”

“Are you?”

“I guess,” Jawn nodded. “I was raised Catholic.”

“What about Ashton and Travis?”

Jawn shook his head. “Ash is, I guess, but he doesn't really talk about it. And Travis... I don’t know, dude. When he first came here, he was super religious. But now… I don’t know. I never know what’s going on in that guy’s head.” He dug around his paper bag, sifting past the fruit cup and the two-pack of Oreos in search of a bag of chips. “I got Fritos,” he sighed. “What’d you get?”

“Lays,” Awsten answered without looking.

“You wanna trade?”

Awsten glanced at the Fritos. “Sure.” 

Jawn swapped the chips out.

“It’s smaller than I thought,” Awsten noted, looking around the church. “This is more like a… a store than a church.”

“Yeah,” Jawn mused, “I think it used to be. And there's no big sanctuary or confessional or anything. It’s always been like this here - kind of a hipster church. It’s cool, I was just- ei!”

Awsten’s head snapped up as Jawn yelled.

“E aí, cara?” Jawn grinned, putting down his lunch and getting to his feet.

Awsten followed his eyes down the hallway just in time to see a little boy gasp, his eyes going wide. “Jawn!” He flew down the hall to jump into the older boy’s arms.

“Oi, amiguinho,” Jawn laughed, lifting him off the ground.

“O que faz aqui?” the little boy chirped.

Jawn opened his mouth to reply, but before he could speak, a woman’s sharp voice interrupted him.

“Luis!”

Jawn squeezed him tighter and then let him go. “Desculpe,” Jawn called to the woman, who was giving him a stern look.

“Tchau!” the boy - Luis, Awsten supposed - whispered over his shoulder before darting back down the hall.

“Tchau,” Jawn echoed softly as he watched him go.

“Who was that?” Awsten asked.

“That’s my little buddy Luis,” Jawn explained a little sheepishly as he took his seat again. “He just turned six. We volunteered in the Sunday School a couple times when they needed help, and he was attached to me the whole time.”

“What’s he doing here now?”

Jawn chuckled in amusement. “That’s what he just asked me. ‘O que faz aqui’ means ‘why are you here.’ But, uh, he goes to the little kindergarten they run upstairs.”

“Oh,” Awsten nodded. “So… you’re bilingual?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Is it Spanish?”

“O português,” Jawn corrected.

“Oh.”

“I don’t remember as much as I used to,” Jawn admitted, pulling the chips open and popping one into his mouth.

“Hmm,” Awsten muttered. “Did you learn it at school?”

“Uh, no. My - my house,” Jawn offered, but he looked away as he answered.

“Are you American?”

Jawn snorted an offended laugh. “Yes, you ass. Second generation.”

Awsten shrugged even though Jawn couldn’t see him. “Just wondering.”

Quiet fell between them, and they didn’t speak until the other boys came out to join them.

Peace and Purpose Home for Young Men
March 11, 3:29 PM

“Alright. I know you’re tired,” Lucas acknowledged as he let the boys in the side door, “but at least try to get some homework done, please.”

All Awsten wanted to do was take a hot shower and then a long nap. His skin and clothes smelled of paint, his hair was a mess, and his arms were tired from nearly three hours of rolling color onto walls, but he reminded himself of his goal - not to get in trouble - so he filed into the homework room with the rest of the boys. Jawn and Ashton headed upstairs with their books, but Travis plopped into his chair at the table.

“Hey, Travis?” Awsten asked.

“Uh-huh?” he asked, looking up.

“Is it cool if I hang out in here with you? I won’t bother you or anything. I promise. It's just - I’ll fall asleep if I go upstairs, and Lucas said to do some work, so...”

“You… you wanna hang out with me?” Travis asked softly, his eyes wide.

Awsten couldn’t stop a small smile from forming on his face. “Yeah, man. Of course.”

“Okay!” Travis replied. He was positively beaming.

Awsten chuckled and slid into the same chair from the morning.

“What are you gonna work on?” Travis asked eagerly.

“I haven’t decided,” Awsten confessed. “What about you?”

“English. I like reading.” He sat up a little straighter. “I’m a good reader.”

“I bet,” Awsten agreed, although he’d had no idea about that. “Maybe I’ll do that, too.” He remembered Brendon saying that was a good thing to do independently, after all.

Awsten reached for the small copy of The Five People You Meet In Heaven, which was on top of the rest of his school books. Inside the front was a paper with a short list of assignments, and after a few seconds of studying the green outline, it dawned on Awsten that Mr. W had handwritten it himself. Beneath the outline was a paragraph. It was handwritten as well in that familiar green pen.

Hello.

I am not exactly sure how to direct you since my class is largely discussion-based.

Awsten is bright and will do well so long as he engages with the material. Please encourage him to stay on top of the reading and talk about the book with you. If you haven’t read it, I ask that you skim the chapters enough that you can ask him questions about it. He may request that you read it to him (although he can be a bit shy at times, so perhaps he won’t). He does love listening to stories, so if time permits, that would most likely be the best way for him to process the information. I understand if this is not possible, though.

The only other things that I request of you are to keep in mind that I do not believe that he has had much exposure to novels like this, and, in addition, please note that he has recently experienced a situation that may make the subject matter more personally challenging. Still, I would not have sent the book if I didn’t believe that he could handle it.

So long as he reads the chapters, the quizzes and the final test should be easy; he knows this. I have great confidence in him.

We miss him already. Please take good care of him.

Sincerely,
G. Wigington

Awsten swallowed and pressed the paper to his chest. He closed his eyes, allowing himself a few seconds to relish in the feeling, whatever it was. Then he set the paper face down on the table and opened the book, searching for the place he’d left off. He knew he was likely supposed to have read something over the break, but he wasn’t sure how much. Besides, based on his mental state, he couldn’t have cracked open the book and read even if Mr. W had been sitting with him, encouraging him to do it. That week had been rough.

Just as Awsten got to the correct page, a piece of paper fluttered out of the book and onto his lap.

Travis glanced over for a moment, just long enough to see what the slight noise had been, but then he went back to his own story.

Awsten quickly picked up the paper and looked at it.

Awsten,

Hello. I hope that you are well, given the circumstances. We are all thinking of you.

Please proceed with this book carefully. I understand that you have had a close brush with the subject matter this past week, and I encourage you to take a moment to read the note from the author at the front before you proceed any further. A few of the students in your class mentioned finding the story to be a comfort to them after what took place on campus on the 5th, and I expect that it may turn out to be true for you as well, though I understand that you had an incredibly different experience than the rest of us. If the novel proves to be too much, please let me know, and I will be happy to discuss some alternatives with you. 

With all of that being said, I would like to remind you that I am here should you need anything, for class or otherwise. You are more than welcome to call or email me if you would like to talk. I cannot promise to have effective advice or any wisdom to share, but I do promise to listen. Please remember that you have many people who care about you (myself included) and that you are not alone.

Sincerely,
Mr. W

“Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear.” 
— Mark Twain

Awsten read the note twice and then slipped it back between the pages. Encouraged, he located the foreword and began to read.

Peace and Purpose Home for Young Men - Jawn and Awsten's Room
March 11, 9:41 PM

“You never told me what you’re here for,” Jawn said into the darkness that night.

“Oh,” Awsten replied softly. He stared up at the ceiling.

“Are you going to?”

“Are you gonna tell me what you’re here for?” Awsten asked sarcastically.

“My parents died in a car accident,” Jawn replied flatly.

Awsten blinked. He hadn’t been expecting - or even wanting - Jawn to say anything. “Shit, dude, I’m sorry," he said genuinely. "I’m - that’s awful.”

“Yeah. So what happened to you?”

Awsten swallowed.

“It’s not like I’m not gonna find out anyway.”

“My parents hit me,” Awsten muttered with a sigh, “and I was living with a foster family. Then I was involved in a school shooting last week.”

Jawn sat up in bed. “What? Wait, what?”

Awsten looked over at him tiredly. “I didn’t hurt anybody. But I almost got killed, so.”

“Fuck. You said you're from Houston, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Fuck,” he said again. “That’s, like. Right here.”

“I know. It’s my school. It’s somebody I knew.”

“What’s his name? It - I mean, it was a guy, right?”

“Yeah. Um, his name was Michael Howard.”

Jawn shook his head. “I don’t know him.”

“Well, that’s good. He’s dead now.”

Jawn swallowed and laid back down in bed. “That’s why Brendon said the thing about loud noises this morning,” he realized.

“Yeah.”

“How… how many people died?” Jawn asked.

“Just Michael. He killed himself.”

“That’s… good, I guess,” Jawn said hesitantly.

"Yeah," Awsten repeated. “Just sucks that he did it two feet in front of me.”

Jawn took a sharp breath in.

“And that I had my hand on the gun when he pulled the trigger.”

Chapter Text

Peace and Purpose Home for Young Men - Dining Room
March 12, 7:17 AM

“Um, hi, God… I know we haven’t talked in a while, but it’s my turn to say grace, so, um. I hope this is okay. Thanks for giving me Jawn as my roommate, cause he seems cool, and also thanks for Ashton being so nice and Travis letting me hang out with him yesterday.” Awsten shifted in his seat and squeezed his eyes shut tighter. “Thanks for the Woods, and Mr. W, and blink-182. And thanks for Lucas being cool, too, and for Zakk buying a waffle iron, cause I think waffles are my favorite breakfast thing.” He looked up at Lucas. “Okay, I’m done.”

Amen, Lucas mouthed to him.

“Oh, duh,” he muttered under his breath. Switching back to his normal volume, he concluded, “Amen.”

“Amen,” the table chorused.

When Awsten glanced at Jawn, Jawn was smiling at him. Actually - so was everyone. Awsten felt his cheeks heating up, so he ducked his head down and busied himself with pouring syrup on his plate.

The table was quiet, just clinks of forks and knives against plates. Awsten realized after a moment that Travis was cutting his waffle along the lines from the iron. Along every line from the iron. Holy shit. Everyone was half-watching him as they ate. Travis wasn’t eating, though; he was just sawing incessantly. Pretty soon, no one else was eating, either, and Travis’ plate was filled with what looked like a hundred little waffle squares.

Once Travis was sure that he’d cut all of them, he moved the edge pieces to the rim of his plate and began picking up the full squares one at a time and using his fingers to pop them into his mouth. He was so absorbed in what he was doing that he didn’t seem to have any inkling of the fact that not only was no one in the room speaking, but they were all staring at him, too.

Finally, Lucas tore his gaze away and cleared his throat at Zakk, who asked, “Um, did any of you guys have interesting dreams last night?”

Peace and Purpose Home for Young Men - School Room
March 12, 10:10 AM

Check-ins and goal setting seemed to pass much more quickly the second time around, and the only “activity” of note that day was Bible study, which wouldn’t be taking place until dinnertime.

The boys and the aide named Tobias were dismissed to the basketball hoop in the driveway while they waited for the tutors. They spent the whole time playing Keep It Up in the grass with one of the balloons left over from Jawn's roommate's 18th birthday, and soon it was time for school. Once they’d settled in and about two hours had passed, Awsten began to hear Jawn asking Ryan an awful lot of questions about centripetal and centrifugal forces. But Ryan sounded glad; it seemed as though Jawn had been working hard, and Ryan could definitely tell. Once Jawn’s confusion seemed to be cleared up, Ryan started to give him an oral mini-quiz.

“Velocity is a…?” Ryan asked.

“Vector.”

“And acceleration is…”

“The… rate of change of the… velocity?”

“Right. So if the velocity is changing, the object must be…”

“Accelerating.”

“Perfect.” Then Ryan prompted, “F equals mr times-”

“Two pi over T,” Jawn finished.

“Two pi over T…?”

Jawn sighed exasperatedly. “Squared.”

“Right, good.”

“Fuck!”

At the loud swear word, Awsten glanced up. He was just in time to see Travis’ eyes snap away from his Magic Tree House book to gape at the back of Jawn’s head.

“It’s okay; you've got this,” Ryan assured him calmly.

“No, I don’t,” Jawn spat. “I’m gonna forget, and then I’m gonna fail.”

“Jawn, don’t sell yourself short. You’ve been working so hard, and you’re doing a great job.”

“Not hard enough, apparently.” He scrubbed his hands over his face. “I’m a fucking idiot.”

“No, you’re not. Don’t say that. It’s one mistake, man; it’s okay.”

He scoffed. “It’s one mistake that gives me the wrong answer, so it’s really not.”

“You still have an entire day, and you know this stuff,” Ryan encouraged. “We can go over it again. Let’s try again, and-”

“No! Just stop!” Jawn shoved his chair back and angrily stood up.

The room had fallen completely silent, and everyone had turned to stare.

“Just stop,” Jawn repeated, laughing dryly. “It’s hopeless. You can’t help me, Ryan.” He paused before he went through the door. “Nobody can.”

And then he was gone.

Awsten watched as Ryan and Brendon traded a worried glance. Ryan got to his feet, and he looked down to tell Ashton to keep working, but before he could speak, Ashton gave him a small smile.

“I got it. Don’t worry.”

Ryan nodded and slipped outside after Jawn. Within a handful of seconds, he was back, though. Apparently, Lucas had heard the commotion and had come out of the office to see what was happening. Things had quieted down for a few moments, and Awsten had just been able to relax and start focusing again when there was a burst of noise from outside.

“No, you don’t understand!” Jawn yelled.

Lucas responded softly, but Jawn must have said something or done something, because suddenly there was a bit of a scuffle, and then Lucas shouted, “Zakk!”

Two pairs of footsteps raced up the stairs, and a door slammed.

Awsten felt incredibly uneasy. If Jawn had snapped, he could do something like Michael had. Like Awsten’s father had. He could - he could do anything. Awsten may have spent two nights in the same room as Jawn, but he didn’t know him at all, which meant that he couldn’t predict the damage. That was the scariest thought of all.

Awsten slid down from his chair to the floor so he could find refuge under the table.

Travis’ head poked curiously into the space, and Brendon ducked down, too, his eyebrows creased in concern. “Awsten? You okay?”

Awsten nodded at the carpet, and then he looked up at Brendon, but when he looked in Brendon’s worried eyes, he found that he couldn’t lie. He shook his head.

“What’s wrong?”

He shook his head again.

“Can I come sit with you?” Brendon asked carefully.

Awsten nodded.

“Thanks.” Brendon settled beside him on the ground, drawing his legs up to match Awsten’s.

“Can I come too?” Travis asked.

Awsten nodded again and motioned to the carpet on his other side. Travis crawled across the ground to sit beside him. Truthfully, Awsten felt a little better knowing that there were people on either side of him.

“Are ya scared?” Travis asked. “Is that why you’re down here?”

Awsten hesitated and then nodded.

“Of what just happened with Jawn?” Brendon checked.

Awsten nodded again.

“Oh,” Travis chuckled. “Well, it’s okay. He just gets real worked up sometimes.”

Across the room, Ashton abandoned his work and came to crouch in front of Awsten. He set one of his hands on Awsten’s knee. “Travis is right,” Ashton said comfortingly. “It’ll blow over in a little bit.”

“Why are they yelling?” Awsten quietly asked.

Ashton slipped under the table so he could sit on Travis’ left. “Well, Jawn’s frustrated, and Lucas needed Zakk to help.”

“Why?”

“Why did he need Zakk?” Ashton rephrased.

Awsten nodded.

Ashton didn’t reply; he grimaced instead.

Awsten gave him a confused look.

“I said NO!” came Jawn’s voice from upstairs, and Awsten flinched. He pressed harder against the wall.

“It’ll stop soon,” Brendon said. He wrapped an arm behind Awsten’s shoulders and briskly rubbed his arm. “It’s okay. It’s okay.”

Awsten buried his face in his knees. He needed Otto very badly in that moment, and his stomach twisted knowing that there was no one who could go get him and bring him to Awsten. If he could just get to the phone in the office, he’d be able to hear Otto’s voice… but there was no way he was leaving this room. All he could think of was his own parents screaming at each other, breaking things, hurting him…

“Shh, it’s okay,” Brendon soothed, and Awsten thought the gentle shushing was a bit odd, because no one had made any sound. “Breathe…”

Something banged upstairs, maybe a drawer, and Awsten jumped again. He turned his face into Brendon’s shirt.

“Shh, shh… it’s okay, Awsten. You’re okay, honey.”

“Jawn won’t hurt us,” Ashton added softly. “It’s not any of us that he’s mad at. He just gets frustrated at himself. He won’t do anything to you.”

“He’s never come after you guys?” Awsten asked anxiously.

“No, never,” Ashton assured.

Travis shook his head in agreement.

Awsten nodded, biting on his bottom lip.

“Do you want to go back to your chair?” Brendon asked hopefully, but Awsten reluctantly shook his head. “Hmm. How can we make you feel better?”

“Can’t,” he whispered.

“Well, can we still try?” Brendon pushed.

“I…” He swallowed. “Well, there is one thing…”

Within seconds, Brendon had the ragged copy of The Five People You Meet In Heaven tucked in his hand, and he slipped back under the table to sit on the floor beside Awsten. He began to read from the page that Awsten had marked with Mr. W's note.

"But now I gotta pay," he said.

"To pay?"

"For my sin. That's why I'm here, right? Justice?"

The Blue Man smiled. "No, Edward. You are here so I can teach you something. All the people you meet here have one thing to teach you."

Eddie was skeptical. His fists stayed clenched. "What?" he said.

"That there are no random acts. That we are all connected. That you can no more separate one life from another than you can separate a breeze from the wind."

Eddie shook his head. "We were throwing a ball. It was my stupidity, running out there like that. Why should you have to die on account of me? It ain't fair."

The Blue Man held out his hand. "Fairness," he said, "does not govern life and death. If it did, no good person would ever die young."

Brendon was a good reader. A great reader, really. But Awsten couldn’t help but wish it was Mr. W’s gentle voice telling the story. Brendon performed the book, and it made Awsten feel like he was seeing it like a movie. Mr. W, on the other hand, read the words from the pages as if he’d lived the story out in his soul.

Still, as Brendon read, just as when Mr. W had read, Awsten was able to descend fully into the story. Travis leaned against Awsten’s arm, and Awsten let him. He stared blankly at the wall across the room as he listened. Ashton and Ryan were listening, too.

Five full minutes passed with just the sound of Brendon’s voice in Awsten’s ears.

Instantly, Eddie felt everything the Blue Man had felt in his life rushing into him, swimming in his body, the loneliness, the shame, the nervousness, the heart attack. It slid into Eddie like a drawer being closed.

"I am leaving," the Blue Man whispered in his ear. "This step of heaven is over for me. But there are others for you to meet."

"Wait," Eddie said, pulling back. "Just tell me one thing. Did I save the little girl? At the pier. Did I save her?"

The Blue Man did not answer.

Eddie slumped. "Then my death was a waste, just like my life."

"No life is a waste," the Blue Man said. "The only time we waste is the time we spend thinking we are alone."

He stepped back toward the-

A gentle knock came on the school room door, and Awsten jumped so hard that he was suddenly able to hear his heartbeat in his ears. The door opened, and Awsten held his breath.

“Hey, guys,” Zakk greeted softly, but he stopped short at the sight of all three of the boys under the table with Brendon. “What, um… what are you guys doing down there?”

“Awsten got scared,” Travis announced, “so we was keeping him comp’ny.”

“Oh, I see,” Zakk nodded. He looked at Awsten in concern. "Are you okay?"

Awsten nodded.

“Is everything alright with Jawn?” Ryan asked quietly, vacating his chair and crossing over to where Zakk was standing. “I’m so sorry - he made one mistake. I didn’t even get upset with him or anything. I tried to tell him we could do it again, but he didn’t listen, and he just-”

“No, it’s fine,” Zakk promised. “He’s fine. He’s fine.” He rubbed his palms against the sides of his jeans and said to both of the tutors, “Lucas asked me to take the kids out. I know we’re ending pretty early, but I’m gonna take the boys on a walk, so if you guys wanna dip out a little early…”

“I don't mind staying,” Brendon responded honestly.

“Can I stay with Brendon?” Awsten asked.

“Me, too,” Travis added. “I wanna hear more story.”

Zakk smiled tightly. “I’m afraid not, guys. But I was thinking we could walk to the park.”

Travis gasped. “Can we get ice cream?!”

“It’s not even lunchtime,” Ashton chuckled.

“Yeah, it's too early for the ice cream truck, T," Zakk replied. "I'm sorry."

Travis just shrugged.

Zakk continued, "Tobias grabbed all of your shoes, and I put them by the back door. Go put them on, please. Quietly.”

“Is Jawn sleeping?” Ashton wondered.

“No, but he’s on the phone.”

“With Patrick?” Ashton asked knowingly.

“Just go get your shoes, please,” Zakk encouraged. “Let's go for a walk. It'll be nice.”

Ashton and Travis headed out to get their sneakers, and Brendon climbed out from underneath the table. He tucked his black fountain pen into his breast pocket and began gathering his papers together.

“Aws, you okay?” Zakk asked again. He crouched down so he could be at Awsten’s eye level.

“Is Jawn coming downstairs?” Awsten asked softly, avoiding the question.

“Not right now, no. Travis said you were scared?”

Awsten swallowed.

“What scared you?”

“Th… the yelling.”

“Why?”

“I want to stay here,” Awsten whispered, avoiding that inquiry, too.

“You’ll feel better when we go outside. I promise.” He stuck a hand out for Awsten, but Awsten leaned away. Zakk smiled softly. “Come on, man. We’ve gotta go. The sun’s out, and it’s warm, okay? It’ll be fine.”

“Hey, Awsten?” Brendon tried, squatting down beside Zakk. His eyes were bigger and happier than Awsten had been expecting. “I know you’re not feeling that great right now, but it would be a big help for Zakk and Lucas if you got up. Maybe… Maybe Zakk will let you bring your book, and you can read some more when you guys get to the park,” he said slowly, looking at Zakk for confirmation.

“I think that’s a great idea,” Zakk nodded.

“Okay?” Brendon asked Awsten.

“It’s safe outside?”

Zakk nodded. “Of course. We don’t even have to cross a street.”

“No, I mean…” He pointed toward the entry of the house. “Outside the school room?”

“Totally safe,” Brendon confirmed. “Come on, my little gumdrop.” He reached in for Awsten’s hands just as Zakk had done a moment before, but this time, Awsten let Brendon take them. Together, Zakk and Brendon pulled Awsten to his feet, and Awsten flashed back to two days before when Mr. W had helped him to his feet at the lake.

He missed the lake.

Brendon transferred the paperback into Awsten’s grip. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said, a kind smile on his face.

Awsten nodded. If he felt normal, he would have bumped his shoulder, or grinned, or, at the very least, said something back, but he was back in survival mode, and at the moment, a small nod was the best he could do. Brendon seemed like the type of person who would understand.

Awsten walked with Zakk to the back door, where he tugged his collapsing tennis shoes over his socks. He squeezed the spine of the book in his hand and followed the other boys out the back door and into the sun. As soon as the door shut behind him, he drew a big breath of fresh air into his lungs.

“You alright, mate?” Ashton asked.

Awsten nodded and tried to force a smile. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m good.”

The trip was longer than Awsten expected. As the boys walked, Awsten hung a few feet back and ran the tips of his fingers over the cover of the book, tracing the letters in the title over and over. Heaven, Heaven, Heaven. The destination turned out to be an expanse of grass which held a medium-sized playground. It was empty, of course, because school was in session.

Travis ran right to the steps and flew up them. “Awsten, come on!” he called, but Awsten just watched from a distance as Travis rocketed through a little green tunnel and across the equipment to the tallest slide, which he zoomed down. He had a big smile on his face when he jumped up at the bottom. “Come on!” he cried again.

Awsten didn’t think he’d been to a playground at all since the end of fifth grade. He didn't want Travis to have to play by himself. And after all, it did look kind of fun… He set his book down with Ashton, who had taken a seat on a bench with Zakk.

“You gonna do it?” Zakk asked encouragingly.

Awsten nodded.

“Great!”

“Go Awsten!” Ashton cheered.

An embarrassed smile made its way onto Awsten’s face, but he walked up the small steps to where Travis was standing at the top, literally bouncing with excitement.

“It’s a good one,” Travis promised him. “It’s a real good slide.”

“Yeah, it looks nice,” Awsten agreed.

“I’ll go first,” Travis said, “and then you go after me!”

“Okay.”

Travis rushed through the green tunnel again, and Awsten ducked in after him, following at a more natural pace. Before he emerged from the other side, he noticed the way that warmth got trapped in the tight space. He trailed behind Travis up a smaller set of steps to the slide, and by the time Awsten got to the top, Travis was already waving up at him from the wood chips.

Awsten sat down on the bright yellow plastic, and he ran his hands over the railings.

“Ready, steady, go!” Travis cried excitedly.

Awsten pushed off, and he couldn’t help but smile as he flew down just as fast as Travis had. The slight wind lifted his hair off his forehead, and he swiped his fingers through it when he stopped moving.

On the bench, Ashton and Zakk clapped. Awsten gave them a dramatic bow once he got to his feet.

“Again!” Travis cried.

“Maybe in a little bit,” Awsten told him.

“Why?” he pouted.

Awsten pointed several feet away. “I wanna go on the swings.”

“Oh, okay,” Travis nodded, and he disappeared to go run his little course again.

Awsten crossed the playground to the swing set. There were two baby swings and four normal swings, and Awsten chose one of the normal ones in the middle. He used the tips of his toes to sway back and forth a few times.

“Can I join you?” came a voice, and Awsten looked up to see Ashton standing at the swing beside Awsten’s with his hand on one of the chains.

“Sure,” Awsten said with a smile.

“Cool.”

Ashton sat down beside him and pushed off, but Awsten stayed close to the ground.

“So, do you wanna talk about it?” Ashton asked as he swung.

“About what?”

“This morning… Jawn… You hiding under the table…”

“No.”

“Okay.”

There were several seconds of quiet. Awsten kept going forward and backward, forward and backward, not taking his feet off the ground.

“Do you want me to tell you what’s probably happening at the house right now?”

“…Yeah.”

“So, Jawn probably said something stupid, which is why Lucas chased him upstairs and yelled for Zakk to come help.”

“Something stupid?” Awsten echoed.

“Yeah. Something… threatening?” At the look on Awsten’s face, Ashton quickly assured, “But he won’t hurt anybody. Don’t worry. Once Jawn’s freak-out was over, that’s when Lucas probably made the call to Patrick - that’s Jawn’s therapist. For a long time when Jawn first got here, Patrick was the only one that could get Jawn to calm down.” He shook his head, remembering. “There were a lot of phone calls to Patrick. But Jawn’s really come around. He figured out he can trust Lucas now. And he’s on meds, which help.”

“Yeah, I see them at breakfast. Paxil?”

Ashton nodded. “Anti-depressants.”

“Jawn’s depressed?”

“I don’t know. We’ve never really talked about it,” Ashton shrugged, “but it seems like he had a rough go of things before he came here.”

“Yeah, he kinda told me,” Awsten murmured.

“Why are you here?” Ashton asked curiously.

“Um…” Ugh, not this again. “I don’t really…”

“It’s okay - you don’t have to tell me. Some people just like to.”

“I’m… it’s only been a couple days since it happened, so.”

“I understand.”

And as suddenly as the words left his mouth, Awsten realized - today was Wednesday. It was Wednesday. An entire week had passed since… since… He swallowed and willed himself to stay calm.

It only felt like a day since the SWAT Team had wrenched him back from Michael’s lifeless body, but at the same time, it felt like a million years.

“I…” Awsten began, his voice a little too loud. He cleared his throat and forced out, “What are we having for lunch?”

“Ummm, turkey wraps, I think.”

“Turkey wraps,” Awsten mindlessly repeated.

“Yeah. Do you like those?”

“Sure.”

“That’s good, cause Travis doesn’t. He opens them right on up and pulls everything apart, so there’s soggy lettuce everywhere, and he gets mayonnaise all over his fingers, and it’s a huge mess.”

“What’s his deal?” Awsten asked, lifting his eyes from the ground to find Travis still running around the playground equipment like a little kid.

“I don’t know,” Ashton replied softly. “He’s never outright said. I don’t know if he even knows.”

“What?”

“Well, we don’t do group therapy here, so it’s not like everyone’s telling all their dark secrets and their diagnoses.”

“No, no, I mean - what the fuck was he talking about yesterday about a shed?”

“Oh,” Ashton said grimly. “Yeah. He, um. His family started keeping him in a shed when he was, like, three. They never let him out. One of his older sisters smuggled books and stuff to him, and she’d play with him sometimes, but yeah. His entire existence was, like, a family secret. Til somebody on the outside caught word of it, I reckon, and the police came and got him, and… it was this whole big thing. On the news and everything, apparently.”

“Why would they do that to him? Lock him up like that?”

“Cause he’s different, I guess.”

Hesitantly, Awsten supplied, “Special.”

Ashton nodded.

“That’s not fair. It’s not his fault.”

“I know. When he first came here, he had really wicked Stockholm syndrome because he’d never known anything else. We had to tell him over and over that what happened to him was messed up. I could never remember what Stockholm syndrome even was until I met him. You know, somebody would mention it, and I’d be like, ‘oh, I’ve heard of that before, but what does it mean again?’ But now I know.” He shook his head. “I’ll never forget.”

“You’ve been here a long time, then,” Awsten realized. “Longer than Jawn and Travis.”

“Yeah. Like… a year and a half?”

“Whoa,” Awsten muttered before he could stop himself.

“Yeah,” he said, smiling emptily and ducking his head. “It’s… it’s really, really nice of Lucas to let me stay. He told me I could, but I didn’t really believe him. But um, I was here, and then eventually Travis came, and then Jawn. There have been a bunch of other guys, though. Kingsley was my favorite, probably. He's got to be like nineteen now."

"Who was the worst one?" Awsten asked curiously.

"Calum," Ashton answered immediately. "He was actually Jawn’s old roommate. We were talking about him in the car, remember?"

Awsten nodded.

"Has Jawn mentioned him?”

“Uh, yeah, I think so. Just, like, for a second, though.”

“Calum was basically like Lucas’ little brother. He was fun when he wanted to be, and he laughed a lot. He was really mean, though. He had some issues.” Ashton snorted quietly at his own word choice. “I mean, we all do, but he was… hard to control. He had always been in and out of group homes, so when he first came to the house, he spent a lot of time breaking rules for entertainment and starting pointless arguments to get a rise out of the other lads. And bullying everybody." His voice lowered. "Especially me."

Awsten frowned. He couldn't picture anybody being mean to Ashton.

"But somehow, after a while, Lucas got through to him, and it mostly just… stopped. I mean, some stuff still went on, like how he’d make sure everyone knew he was, like, the alpha dog among the guys, and how he’d always jerk off in the shower for like twenty minutes so we had to have a time limit on our showers-”

Awsten let out a burst of laughter. “What?! Jawn told me about the time thing, but he didn’t say that was why!”

Ashton groaned. “Yeah, it was awful. We could hear him, too, every day. Sometimes more than once.”

Awsten laughed again at the terrible mental image.

“So we were limited to one shower a day - but nobody else ever tried to take two, of course - and we had eight minutes. Lucas said he didn’t want us to feel like we had to rush, but he also needed Calum to stop doing that. Of course, he didn’t.”

Awsten dissolved into more peals of laughter.

“I’m glad you think it’s funny, because it definitely sucked to live it,” Ashton chuckled.

“That's so gross, dude!”

“I mean, once you’re here for a while, you've gotta do what you've gotta do.”

“No, but like, being so obvious about it? That’s crazy! It’s not like there aren’t people, like, three feet away from you!”

“Exactly.”

“So, why did he leave? Cause of that?”

Ashton scoffed amusedly. “No. He just aged out.”

“Oh.”

“We had a big 18th birthday party for him, and Lucas actually let him stay an extra day, but… The dynamic is better without him here, honestly, although I do still sort of miss him. He was an okay mate to me once he calmed down. Though I guess it’s only been a few days since he left, so maybe I’m just used to him and I don’t actually wish he was here. It’s not so tense anymore, and I don’t feel like Lucas is playing favorites.” He smiled at Awsten. “I can also already tell that you’re much nicer.”

“Awsten!” Travis yelled from across the playground.

Awsten raised his voice so Travis would be able to hear him. “Yeah?”

“Come slide with me!”

“Just a minute!”

Travis smiled excitedly. “Okay!”

“See?” Ashton said, nodding towards Travis. “Way nicer. Cal used to make fun of Travis all the time.”

Awsten raised his eyebrows.

“He could really be a jerk.”

“So why did Lucas like him so much, then?”

“I don’t know. But one of Lucas’ gifts is that he can see past all our BS.” Ashton shook his head and advised, “Don’t even try to lie to him. Just tell him the truth. Cause whatever it is… he’ll figure it out.”

“I don’t really have anything to hide.”

“Everybody has something to hide.”

“Awsten!” Travis called again.

“You cool if I go?” Awsten asked Ashton.

“Yeah. He’s just gonna keep bugging you if you don’t.”

“He’s not bugging me,” Awsten replied honestly.

“I see why he likes you,” Ashton smiled. “Last night after lights out, he was talking about how cool you are. And not just cause of your hair. He said something like, ‘he’s the coolest person I ever done met’ or something. You know how he talks.”

“AWSTEN!”

Awsten laughed. “Okay, okay, I’m coming!” he called. He got up from his swing and jogged across to where Travis was waiting for him.

“Come on, let’s do the slide again!”

“Alright. I’m guessing you wanna go first?”

“Yeah!” Travis replied happily. “And then I wait at the bottom for you, and then we do it again.”

“Okay.”

“Okay!”

Peace & Purpose Home for Young Men - Kitchen
March 12, 12:25 PM

Lucas had a finger pressed over his lips as he opened the side door for Zakk and the three boys. In a hushed voice, he told them, “Jawn is resting upstairs. We’re going to go ahead and make lunch without him.”

“Is he okay?” Ashton asked.

“He is, yes. Jobs are on the fridge. Zakk, can you take over Jawn’s, please?”

“Sure.”

“Perfect. Then we’re good to go.”

Rolling the wraps and slicing up red apples was easily the fastest lunch preparation Awsten had seen at the house. The whole thing was done in four or five minutes. Lucas went around with a big bag of pretzels and poured a small handful out onto each plate, and then they all settled into their chairs.

“Travis, since Jawn isn’t here, I’d like you to say grace for us,” Lucas prompted, holding his hands out to Awsten and Ashton. Zakk had filled Jawn’s usual seat instead of his own so Awsten could reach him better.

“Okay!” Travis cleared his throat. “Dear God! Thank you for Lucas not making me put lettuce on my turkey today, and thank you for Awsten playing with me at the playground, and thank you for the food you gaved us for lunch, and thank you for giving me waffles at breakfast this morning! I love you. Amen!”

“Amen,” the table echoed.

“So, Awsten,” Lucas began, “I talked to your therapist this afternoon, and I’ll be taking you to see him tomorrow.”

Awsten nodded.

“I’ll drive you down there after lunch.”

A throat cleared off to the side, and there was Jawn, clad in socks and pajamas, his eyes red-rimmed and puffy.

“Hey,” Lucas said softly.

“Um, hi,” Jawn replied, and then he cleared his throat. “Is it cool if I… eat with you guys?”

“Of course,” Lucas nodded. “There’s a plate for you in the fridge and pretzels in the pantry.”

“Thanks,” Jawn murmured.

Zakk glanced at Awsten in an attempt to gauge whether Awsten wanted him to move to his normal chair or to stay where he was, but Awsten was so busy waiting for Jawn to do something violent that he didn’t even notice Zakk trying to catch his eye. But Jawn didn’t - just padded across the kitchen, removed the plate from the refrigerator, filled a cup with water, and wandered to the table. He wordlessly filled Zakk’s usual seat, drew his knees up to his chest, and sipped at his drink.

“Jawn, put your feet down,” Lucas instructed gently.

Jawn obliged. He wrapped both hands around his cup and held it, lightly and absently drumming his fingertips against the glass.

Zakk subtly prompted Travis to talk about the playground, and Travis launched into a story about how he tripped. As he spoke, Awsten kept staring at Jawn. Jawn must have sensed it, because he looked up and gave Awsten a sad smile.

Awsten swallowed and quickly looked down at his plate.

When lunch was over and cleaned up, Jawn went back upstairs, and Awsten, Ashton, and Travis hung out in the game room until Lucas came in.

“It’s quiet time, guys,” he announced, holding the door open so they could all exit the room. “Put your shoes upstairs, please. You can come back down after if you want, but you need to take care of the shoes now."

The three of them headed into the kitchen to retrieve their shoes. Awsten grabbed The Five People You Meet In Heaven from the counter and then followed the other boys up the steps, and he reluctantly walked into his bedroom.

Jawn greeted him with a quiet, “Hey.”

“Hey,” Awsten echoed.

Awsten set his shoes down by the dresser and sat down on his poorly-made bed. An awkward silence filled the room. Aware that Jawn was watching him, Awsten took his time opening to the page he’d bookmarked with Mr. W’s note to him.

“Sorry about this morning,” Jawn finally muttered.

Awsten nodded, not looking up. “It’s okay,” he lied.

The heavy silence draped over the room like a blanket.

FutureFaith Church
March 12, 6:31 PM

Awsten could hear loud hip-hop music blaring before the boys even got all the way up the staircase. Lucas had dropped the four boys off at the front door of the church, and Awsten followed after them as they walked up a flight of stairs and down a narrow hallway.

As they grew closer to the end of the hall, the sounds of chatter and bass vibrations, and the smell of Pizza Hut filled the air. Ashton walked through a doorway, and Travis and Jawn went with him, so Awsten did, too.

“Ayyyyy, wassup, wassup!”

Awsten’s eyes went wide as a guy in a maroon baseball cap jogged over to them.

“My crew! Hey, Jawn. Hey, Ash. Hey, Lil T. Get in here!” He grabbed all three of them in a bear hug at the same time.

Awsten stood awkwardly off to the side and glanced around the room. There were three girls and a few guys already there, all sitting in little groups and talking while they ate their pizza.

The guy in the baseball cap continued, “Thanks so much for yesterday. The nursery looks great - I super appreciate you.” He looked over to the doorway. “Where’s Lucas at?”

“He had to get groceries, and he wants to drop them off at home and put them away before he comes back and gets us,” Ashton explained.

“Oh, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.” The man’s eyes drifted over to Awsten, who had one arm wrapped across his abdomen. “Hey, man! Welcome!”

“Hi,” Awsten murmured, taking a step closer.

“This is Awsten!” Travis announced.

“Hey, Awsten. You can call me Jon or JB. Either is fine. It’s so nice to meet you.” He stepped forward to pull Awsten into a hug.

Awsten hesitated for a moment but decided to return it.

“Welcome to Wednesday Night.” He let go of Awsten and stepped back, wondering, “Are you from Peace and Purpose?”

Awsten nodded.

“Cool! Well, we’re so glad you’re here.” He motioned to an array of mismatched sofas (not unlike the ones at the group home) and a table covered with a heap of pizza boxes, three 2-liter containers of Sprite, and a few dozen bottles of water. “Take a slice. Or five. Take a whole box.” He laughed. “I keep telling the little old ladies from the prayer group that they send too much pizza, but they keep sending it anyway.” He shook his head fondly. “Feeds me for three days, though,” he admitted, rubbing his stomach.

“Lucky!” Travis cried.

Jon laughed and then looked over his shoulder. “Ay, where's Big T at? He should be around here somewhere.”

“Did someone say Big T?” came a booming voice, and in from the hall ducked a tall, black man with dreadlocks pulled into a ponytail. His eyes lit up at the sight of Travis. “Lil T! Buddy!”

Awsten watched, confused but amused as Travis bounded forward to fling his skinny arms around the man’s giant waist.

Big T laughed heartily, hugging Travis back. “Where you been, little man? How’s your week?”

“Good! I got to go on a slide today!”

“Sounds awesome.” The man mussed Travis’ hair and said to him, “Go get your pizza and then come find me. I wanna hear all about it.”

Travis scurried to grab a paper plate.

“Awsten, come here,” Ashton called. “There are some lads I want you to meet.”

Awsten followed him across the room to a boy with a buzzcut in a black Venum hoodie sitting on the floor with a bigger Hispanic guy.

“Hey, guys,” Ashton said.

"What's up, Ash?" the Hispanic guy asked amiably. The other one lifted a hand in a peace sign. 

“This is Nate and Eduardo,” Ashton told him.

“I’m Eduardo,” Eduardo said, clarifying.

“Hey,” Awsten said, fiddling with the drawstrings on Mr. W's sweatshirt. “I’m Awsten.”

Eduardo didn’t stand up when he shook Awsten’s hand, but Nate did. He didn’t speak, though.

“Dude, you want some pizza?” Ashton asked.

“Sure.”

Ashton started to walk away. “Cheese or pepperoni?”

“Um, cheese. Wait-”

Ashton leaned closer to him and murmured encouragingly, “They’re nice. Just hang out, make a friend.”

Ashton left, and Eduardo patted a spot on the floor next to himself. Awsten sat there, positioned so he was facing both boys. It was clear that they were both waiting for him to speak, so he glanced around and then pointed up at the ceiling, where the music seemed to be coming from.

“Is this music, like… appropriate? For a church?”

“Yeah, man,” Eduardo nodded.

“But… it’s rap.”

“Haven’t you heard of Lecrae?” he asked incredulously.

Nate elbowed Eduardo.

“Hey, what was that for?” Turning back to Awsten, Eduardo advised, “Listen to the words.”

Awsten tried, but there was too much noise going on around the room. He couldn't cut through it to focus. But just then, Ashton showed back up with three slices of pizza on a paper plate and a cup full to the brim with Sprite.

“Thanks,” Awsten said as Ashton carefully transferred it to him. But before he could say anything else, Ashton disappeared to get more pizza and soda, and Awsten realized that all three pieces were for him.

He hadn’t had pizza from an actual delivery company since Otto’s last birthday party. He set the plate and drink down, picked up the biggest slice, and took a tentative bite. Sweet tomato sauce and hot, melty, rich cheese exploded over his tongue. “Ohf moh god,” Awsten immediately moaned, his mouth full. He cupped a hand over his lips as he spoke. “Thith ith tho good!”

Eduardo laughed.

“Oh my god,” Awsten repeated once he’d swallowed. He wanted to drop a passionate, 'Fuck,' too, but he caught himself just in time.

Ashton came back over and plopped onto the ground beside Awsten. He leaned across the small circle to bump Nate’s fist.

“I love pizza so much,” Awsten announced just before shoving another bite into his mouth.

Ashton laughed and patted Awsten on the shoulder. “That’s why I got you three, mate. I had a feeling.”

Dinner wrapped up (Awsten ate all three of the slices Ashton brought him and went back for one more), and Big T turned the music down. Jon whistled to get everyone’s attention. Quiet fell almost immediately.

“Hey, guys. Thank you so much for coming to Wednesday Night. Tonight we’re gonna be talking some more about The Sermon on the Mount, and we’ve got some fun stuff planned for you. But before we start that, let’s go to God in prayer. Bow your heads, please.”

Awsten obeyed.

“Father God, we love you, and we’re so glad to be here in your presence this Wednesday Night, God. We pray that you will be…”

Awsten opened his eyes and glanced around. All the kids had their heads bowed, even Travis and Jawn, who were sitting side by side a few feet away from Awsten’s spot on the carpet. Awsten counted three girls and six guys, himself included. Once he was done counting, he lowered his head again and quickly closed his eyes.

“…we thank you for your constant guidance and presence, God. And all God’s people say?”

“Amen,” everyone chorused.

"Who wants to tell me what we talked about last week?" Jon prompted.

Travis' hand shot up.

"Lil T?"

"We ate crackers and pretzels with a blindfold!"

"You got it. Why did I have you guys do that?"

"Cause we're the salt of the earth, but we can't lose our salt, cause then we're no good!"

"Right, we can't lose our saltiness," Jon nodded. "Does anyone know what comes after the part about the salt in the Bible?"

A girl with dark, curly hair raised her hand. 

"Yes, Zoey!"

"Um, it's light, right? The whole 'you are the light of the world' thing?"

"You got it!" Jon clapped his hands and rubbed them together. “Alright! Who wants to play a game?”

There was a small chorus of “Me!”s from around the room.

“Big T has a whoooole bunch of glow sticks for you guys. You get three,” Jon said, flicking up three fingers. “You gotta crack all of ’em and then put ’em around your neck. No arms, no feet, no anything else. Neck.”

Hands stretched up to where the tall man was handing out clumps of glow sticks. Awsten noticed Nate and Jawn patiently waiting, and he was glad. He didn’t want to be the only one.

“I’m gonna turn out the lights, and we’re gonna play Hide and Go Seek.” Jon looked over at Awsten. “You wanna be It first?”

“Oh. Um, o-okay,” he stuttered.

Jon motioned for him up to stand beside him, so Awsten did.

Jon dropped both of his hands onto Awsten’s shoulders and declared, “Alright. This is Awsten! Everybody say, ‘Hi, Awsten!’”

“Hi, Awsten!”

Awsten waved at them and then loosely crossed his arms over his chest.

“In a second, I'm gonna send you guys to go around the room and hide, Awsten’s gonna come find you. Whoever he finds sets one of their glow sticks on the ground, and then they’re It. Once all your sticks are gone, you’re out. Last man standing wins. Everybody understand?”

There were lots of nods and a few cries of, “Yep!”

"Boundaries: nobody leaves this room. No going more than five feet off the ground; I know I've got some crazy monkeys in here - Nate and Zoey - so don't go climbing on top of the cabinets or anything. I don't want your dad suing me when you fall and break your arm."

The curly haired girl looked at the buzzcut boy and laughed.

"And if we can't find you at the end," Jon said, back to the whole group, "you gotta come out when I call you. I'm too young for a heart attack."

Awsten looked over to where Jawn and Ashton had teamed up to help Travis fasten his glow sticks into necklaces.

“And no hiding them in your collars!” Big T called. “You cheat, you’re disqualified.” He pointed at a pretty girl with blonde hair. “Ciara, I’m looking at you.”

She sighed and made accidental eye contact with Awsten, then rolled her eyes and turned away.

"Alright. You got thirty seconds to pick a place. Awsten, turn around for me, dude." Awsten obliged, and Jon shooed the group with his hands. "Go!"

The room plunged into darkness.

Awsten had always loved and hated Hide and Seek - he'd gotten good enough at hiding around his house that he frequently won the game, but the eerie feeling he always got in his stomach sucked. There was something unsettling about knowing there were several people lurking behind doors and under tables, watching his every move as he wandered around searching for them.

Once Jon's watch beeped, he took a quiet breath and turned around. Immediately, he was able to see lines of green and purple and blue glowing throughout the room. He went to the first one he’d spotted and, upon closer inspection, came to find out that it was Nate.

Nate wordlessly removed one of his necklaces and set it on the floor next to Awsten, who went to hide.

Barely two minutes passed before Jon called, “Nope. Ciara, you’re out.”

“But I-”

“Nope. Done. Go sit out.”

Awsten could hear her dramatic groan from his spot behind the storage closet.

“We’re down to three,” Big T announced after several more minutes.

“Who’s still in?” someone asked. It sounded like Ashton.

“Nate, Awsten, and Jawn.”

Awsten swallowed. He was left with only one necklace, but now he was also completely covered by couch cushions. He kind of couldn’t believe that no one had looked there.

“Ohhh!” the group murmured.

“Nate’s out!” Jon called. “Awsten, if Jawn gives up, you win!” Jon dropped his voice and said to Big T, “I have no idea where he is.”

“I do,” Big T responded.

Another minute passed, and Awsten closed his eyes. It was incredibly hot, and it was getting hard to breathe. He hoped Jawn would hurry up and forfeit when suddenly, the cushion was yanked right off of his head.

“A-HA!” Jawn cried.

“Aw, shit,” Awsten muttered.

The lights came back on, and Jon announced, “Alright, let’s hear it for Jawn!”

There was a smattering of applause, and Jawn helped Awsten get to his feet and replace the cushions. When Jawn tentatively smiled at him, Awsten smiled back. Relieved, Jawn nudged Awsten’s shoulder with his own while they walked side by side back to the group.

“Alright,” Jon said. He perched on the arm of one of the couches as he spoke to the kids, who were sitting in a little cluster on the carpet. “Who here was afraid of the dark when they were a kid?”

Almost all the hands went up.

“Yeah, me, too. How 'bout now? Who still doesn’t like the dark?”

A few hands rose that time, Travis’ and Awsten’s included.

“Why do you think so many kids are afraid of the dark?”

“Because they can’t see,” Ciara blurted. “They don’t know if there’s something bad with them.”

Jon nodded. “Yeah. Ashton?”

“Kids can imagine monsters and ghosts and things, so it’s easy for them to think it might really be there.”

“Definitely,” Jon agreed.

Travis waved his hand around wildly until he was called on. “Because it’s our instinct in our brains to protect ourselves and stay safe, and when it’s dark, it’s harder to defend ourselves!”

“Wow, Travis, that’s great,” Jon said, surprised at the thorough answer. “Anybody else?” When no more hands went up, Jon said, “The world can be a scary place to a little kid. They don’t know what’s out in the dark - monsters, animals, bad guys - and the fear of the unknown is scary. But sometimes the fear of what we know can be just as scary. Or more.

“There are children all around the world who have real reasons to be afraid every day - reasons much scarier than a make-believe creature under their bed. There are probably people in this room right now that have lived that and know exactly what I'm talking about.” He paused. “Sometimes the world can be a dark place,” he said softly. “And sometimes the hurt and the pain and the darkness are real.”

Awsten looked down at his hands, wondering why on earth Lucas had sent the boys here. This didn’t seem like it would help them at all. In fact, it seemed like quite the opposite.

“Me and Big T have been collecting newspapers for the last couple weeks, and Big T is putting them out around the room right now,” Jon told the kids. “In the pages are tons of examples of just how dark and full of hurt our world is right now. I’m gonna give you some time to go through these papers, and what I want you to do is find some dark stories that really stick out to you. Take your time and really read the articles, and stay silent to give everybody the chance to read and think. Once you’re done, what I need you to do is tear your page out and bring it over here - we’re going to tape them to the wall. You can bring as many stories to the wall as you want. The more, the better, okay?”

What the hell was the point of this?

“I”m going to give you guys each a little flashlight,” he added, holding one up. It was silver, a little keychain. He flicked it on and off. “And once we start taping articles up, I’m going to turn out the lights. That doesn’t mean time’s up. It just means you’ve gotta turn on your flashlight. Questions?”

No response.

Jon motioned out to the space. “Alright. Spread out, find a paper. Really take your time, guys.”

A soft song came on in the background, just some light guitar and a gentle voice.

Awsten found himself a little lost in the movie review section, but he managed to pull himself back to the task at hand several moments later when Jon turned the lights out. He switched his flashlight on, and as soon as he managed to locate an article about a group of men and the animal cruelty they committed, he tore it out; he wasn’t sure what could be much darker than that.

Once he taped his story up, Awsten walked down the wall, looking at the articles that the other kids had brought for the youth leaders to hang.

Alabama Journalist Shot Dead In Kiev

Senator Caught in Sex Scandal Resigns

Gunman Kills Three in Belgium Attack

Is Social Media Normalizing Campus Racism?

Forced Marriage: Parents Guilty of Luring Daughter to Bangladesh

National Guardsman Found Dead After Flood

Awsten didn’t read the news often, and these headlines were exactly why. He felt his stomach sinking with every word.

“Awsten,” Jawn murmured. He was standing a few feet away, his flashlight trained on a clipping about a foot above eye level.

Awsten headed toward him, his light shining on the piece, too. It was easily the largest one, nearly half a page. There was a large picture at the top, but Awsten couldn’t make it out until he got up close. His eyes zeroed in on the words above it.

Single Death in Lakeview High School Shooting, it read.

Awsten just stared.

His whole week - the worst week of his entire life - had been reduced to a single, emotionless sentence. He swallowed and stepped closer, and Jawn moved slightly out of the way so Awsten could get a better look. His eyes danced down from the headline to the photo, and his breath caught in his throat.

The caption screamed, English teacher Geoff Wigington comforts a student after the early morning shooting at Lakeview High School, but even without the words, Awsten would have recognized himself.

Shakily, Awsten whispered, “That’s me.”

“What?” Ashton asked confusedly.

“Are you serious?” Jawn murmured.

Awsten hadn’t even known Ashton was standing there, but he just nodded and pointed up at the photo. “That’s me,” he whispered. “In the picture. That - that’s… me.”

Otto’s parents got this paper. Everyone in Lakeview - everyone in Houston - got this paper. How had he not known?

“I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to see it, but I didn’t feel like I could take it down since it's not mine,” Jawn explained under his breath.

“No, I - yeah. Yeah. Thanks.”

“I’m so sorry, Awsten,” Ashton murmured. “I had no idea. I didn't even know there was a shooting.”

Awsten nodded again.

“Are you okay?” Jawn asked, and he looked like he wanted the real answer to the question.

No. No, he wasn’t fucking okay. But he wasn’t about to admit to that now. If he did, his entire world would come crashing down.

“Yeah,” Awsten lied. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t seem to get his feet to move. He just stood, staring at the picture. He couldn’t bring himself to read the words underneath it, because the image was too powerful. Seeing it made him feel like he was right back there.

He could practically hear the chaos in the parking lot. He could feel the weight of his wet clothes and smell the fluids on them. He remembered clutching Mr. W so tightly that his fingers hurt, feeling the blood, slick and wet all over his skin, Otto and Alex frantically running to get to him, Mr. W holding him and repeatedly promising that he was safe and that all the bad was over…

Awsten reached up and ran his fingers over the picture.

“That’s so sad,” came a girl’s flat voice.

Awsten turned to see Ciara standing right behind Ashton.

Ciara smacked her gum. “My parents say Lakeview’s not far from here.”

“It’s like half an hour,” Awsten offered softly. “Or maybe more like forty-five minutes.”

“That’s so sad,” she repeated, as insincere as before.

“Ciara. Quiet, please.”

“He was talking to me!” she protested.

Awsten braced himself for punishment, but Jon didn’t seem interested in her accusation.

“Ciara. Quiet, please,” he repeated.

Ciara sighed and moved on, shining her beam on an article about a missing little girl.

Ashton wrapped a comforting hand over Awsten’s left shoulder, and the three boys stood together in silence until Jon called the group back over.

“‘You are the light of the world,’” he read from a battered Bible. “'A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.’

“Jesus told his disciples to shine, and you guys, his words are true for us, too; we shine so others see the light and see God.” He set his Bible down. “Look around this room. It might look like we’re completely surrounded by darkness, but think about the challenge that Jesus is giving to us. He agrees that the world is dark with pain and hurt and loneliness and… what else? Go ahead and shout it out.”

“Fear.”

"Grief," Ashton supplied.

“Stress.”

“Anger,” Jawn murmured.

“Regret,” Awsten added, surprising himself. He wasn't usually one to participate.

“Yeah, that’s right,” Jon nodded. “All of those things. But here’s the amazing thing that Jesus shares with us; we are the light of the world.”

Awsten wanted to sit back and scoff, but he forced himself to stay still.

“We shine the light of Jesus - or we should be shining the light and the love of Jesus in the middle of this pain. Can we ‘fix’ each and every one of these situations?” he asked, motioning back toward the newspapers covering the wall. 

The boys and girls shook their heads.

“No. But what we can do is to shine God's light and love through our actions. Start where we are and shine. Think about this: where is there darkness around you? Maybe at school, or in your neighborhood, or at home even. What would it look like to shine in those situations? You don’t have to answer; just take a moment and think about that. What does it look like to shine in the darkness in your life?”

After he gave them a moment to contemplate, Jon said, “It doesn’t have to be cheesy or complicated or preachy. It is as simple as sharing your snack with someone else, you guys. Giving up your seat on the bus. Holding a door. Checking your patience. Big or small, okay? Shine the light that Christ puts inside of you. Cause when we really let the light of Christ shine into our own lives, it leaks out without us really trying sometimes. Shining becomes a part of who you are."

Jon let that set in.

“As we get ready to close, I want you to take a few minutes to walk around this room again and use your flashlight to reread the stories. Pray as you read. And what I want you to do is choose one of the stories to take with you. This week, be in prayer that the light of Christ would shine in these places.” He nodded at the kids. “Go ahead, and come back when you’re finished.”

Awsten got straight to his feet and made a beeline for the Lakeview story. He pulled it off the wall, not caring when the top ripped a little. He folded it several times and shoved it deep into the left pocket of Mr. W's sweatshirt. Then he took a moment to pretend like he was re-reading the rest of the articles.

He watched Nate, who still hadn’t said a single word, carefully take down the story of the missing little girl and Ashton pick the one about the man in the National Guard that had passed away. Ciara chose the one about the forced marriage.

When Awsten felt that enough time had passed, he went and sat back down beside Travis, who had been the first one back.

“I want you guys to take your flashlight with you, okay? Those are for you. Take it home and put it somewhere to remind you to shine God’s light in your own life. Don’t keep the light hidden, okay? Shine.” Jon smiled. “Bow your heads, please.”

Peace and Purpose Home for Young Men - Jawn and Awsten's Room
March 12, 8:22 PM

There was a soft knock at the open door frame. “Hey, Awsten. Can I talk with you?”

Awsten had been expecting Lucas to ask that from the second he caught Ashton giving Lucas a worried look in the parking lot. He set his paperback down in lieu of speaking.

“You’re going be done with that book any minute, aren’t you?” Lucas asked.

Awsten stared down at the bedspread and traced one of the seams with his fingers.

“Some of the gentlemen told me what happened with the newspaper article at bible study earlier.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

Lucas nodded. “Okay. I just wanted to let you know that I’m here if you do.”

“I don’t.”

“That's fine. If you change your mind, let one of us know.”

Soon after Lucas left, Jawn came in. “Hey,” he said. “So, I know this is kind of a crazy question after this morning, but I could really use some help studying. Will you… help me?”

Awsten swallowed. He wanted to say no, but how was he supposed to?

His discomfort must have shown on his face, because Jawn glumly said, “You don’t have to.” 

“No, it’s okay," Awsten told him, sitting up. Shine the light or whatever, right? "I will. What do you need?”

“Can I just tell you stuff? Like, explain it to you? My therapist said that might help.” Quickly, he added, “I promise I won’t get mad.”

“Sure.” Awsten grabbed Oliver off the dresser and went to sit at the foot of Jawn’s bed.

“Thanks,” Jawn sighed, blowing his hair back from his face. He turned to chapter twelve and started teaching Awsten about centripetal force.

Peace and Purpose Home for Young Men- Jawn and Awsten's Room
March 12, 9:15 PM

“Wait, so centrifugal force is fake?!” Awsten half-yelled, clutching Oliver tighter.

“Well… yes and no,” Jawn said slowly, not sure exactly how to word it.

“Guys!" Zakk called. "Meeting time!”

“That's crazy. I’m asking Ryan about it tomorrow,” Awsten noted as he tossed Oliver onto his quilt. Jawn closed his book and slipped it back into its spot under his bed.

“Safety levels?” Lucas asked as the four boys traveled down the staircase.

“Ten,” they all chorused.

“Excellent." As they plopped onto the couches, he inquired, "Ashton, how are you feeling?”

“I feel satisfied,” he answered immediately.

“Satisfied,” Lucas repeated curiously. “I don’t think I’ve ever gotten that answer before. And I’m not sure it counts as an emotion, but I’m going to let that slide this time. Why ‘satisfied’?”

“I don’t know. I really liked bible study tonight. I got to know Awsten a lot better there and at the playground. But I think it’s mostly because I did something even though it was hard. It was the right thing.”

“That’s important.”

“Uh-huh. And my goal was to be patient, and I was.”

“Good! Number for the day?”

“Eighty... seven.”

“Thanks, Ashton. Alright - Jawn. How you feeling?”

“Anxious.”

“What’s going on?”

“My test is tomorrow morning,” he explained nervously.

“How are you dealing with your anxiety?”