Chapter Text
Saying that Yukimura was terrible at lying would’ve been a rather kind euphemism. Not only he was an open book, but when he was aware that something needed to be hidden he immediately found it ten times more difficult to keep a straight face. When it was about keeping other people’s secrets he’d been entrusted with, he was loyal until the end — given that his silence wouldn’t have hurt anyone or created any problems, of course. On the other hand, though, when it was thoughts or emotions of his own that he didn’t want to show on the outside, he always had a hard time (and often failed at it) not letting others notice.
At the time he realised he’d fallen in love with his best friend, he started panicking. He and Sasuke had known each other since they were little, and Yukimura was pretty sure the bond they shared was the deepest one among those he held dear. There was no way he could manage to pretend that everything was the same as always.
At the same time, however, he couldn’t let Sasuke know: he knew his friend liked a classmate of his and had some kind of affair going on with her, if not an official relationship; butting in was out of question. It would’ve been rude and inconsiderate, and on top of everything it would’ve ruined their friendship, which was the worst thing he could imagine happening. He was sure that if he hadn’t paid enough attention Sasuke would’ve found out, and he was dead scared of that happening.
It was a serious problem.
And as if all that weren’t enough, Yukimura was doubtful about his own feelings in the first place. Although only at one point he came to understand what it meant, he was quite sure that his heart had been fluttering like that when he saw Sasuke for a while. When did it even happen? How come he took so long to realise? Falling in love with his childhood friend all of a sudden was already weird, but not even noticing… It was too weird. Was it even a thing that could happen? The more he thought about it, the odder it appeared to him. And the more he saw it as a weird thing, the guiltier he felt, the more he stressed over it, the more he showed his apprehension without intending to do so.
«Yukimura, you’re scribbling on your notes again. What is it that keeps distracting you?» Mitsunari asked, stern but a bit concerned, while they were studying together.
«Why the long face, Sanada?» said Masamune after a basketball game against some other guys of the neighbourhood. «You’ve been quiet for a while now, that’s not like you.»
Even Motochika caught him lost in his thoughts, one day, as they walked together towards Ieyasu’s place to spend the afternoon with the rest of the crew. «Hey, buddy, you look bothered. Is everything all right?»
«Yukimura?»
Sasuke’s voice startled him.
«Yes!»
«You were staring into the void with a weird face. Were you spacing out?» Sasuke had appeared in front of his desk out of nowhere, and was looking at him with one eyebrow raised.
Yukimura felt his blood run cold; he hadn’t noticed him entering the classroom, as lost in his thoughts as he was.
«Ah! Yeah, sorry, I was… worried about homework.» A terrible excuse, but thankfully it came out pretty convincing, and Yukimura wisely decided to shut up before he started adding details that would’ve made it sound irredeemably fake and ridiculous.
A big sigh came from the other. «The term is nearing its end, huh? Are they going too hard on you guys?»
«Kind of…» Yukimura loosened up a little: it was true, after all, that the amount of school work was increasing week after week. «Oh, but I shouldn’t be saying this to you! You have it even harder, don’t you?»
Sasuke was in his last year of high school, whereas Yukimura only in his first, being two years younger than him.
Sasuke nodded once, sliding his hands into the pockets of his trousers. «Yeah, it’s always the same thing going on and on: finals here, finals there, you have to study properly, think about college — whatever.» He shrugged, looking a bit tired but not particularly worried. He always worked hard, and his grades were fine, he had no reason to take the teachers’ reproaches to the class personally. «Anyway, that’s not why I’m here.»
Yukimura raised his eyebrows, curious.
The other crossed his arms, a grin making its way on his face. «I know a place where they make a super good cheese-cake.»
All problems and doubts were swept away immediately.
«Really?» Yukimura’s face brightened up.
Sasuke nodded, satisfied with the success of his suggestion. «It’s some kind of fast-food, they mostly make burgers and such, and they’ve opened recently. Some friends of mine have been there and said it’s nice, and one of them mentioned that he’d tried the cheese-cake and of course I thought of you. Maybe we could go on Saturday for lunch, if you like. What do you think?»
«I think it sounds great!»
Sasuke smiled, and Yukimura suddenly became conscious of his own heartbeat.
«It’s decided, then,» the older one said, all content. «I can come pick you up in class when school is over and then we can go together.»
«All right!» As worried about this huge problem of his as he was, Yukimura couldn’t help but smile at his friend. He was so incredibly happy.
The bell indicating the beginning of classes rang, and Sasuke had to go back to his class.
It wasn’t a date, Yukimura immediately had to remind himself. It was not. They’d always been going out together because they were friends, there was nothing different now because nothing had changed. The only difference was his stupid heart racing like a fool and his stupid stomach hurting and his stupid blood rushing to his face, making his cheeks itch. But nothing had changed, nor it was supposed to. Two friends having lunch together, that was it, and things were fine like that.
Yukimura sighed deeply, lowering his head onto his desk.
No way things were fine like that… He had never been good at lying, not even to himself.
***
«You know it’s not a date if he doesn’t know it, right?» Kasuga huffed.
Sasuke shrugged, a sheepish smile on his lips. «Maybe it’s not a date in itself, but it is for me! I’ve decided that I’ll try to be a little more straightforward. Hoping that he will finally get my signals.» Sasuke laughed, but there was a veil of bitterness in that statement. Was it really inevitable to fall for the most oblivious guy on earth?
Kasuga gave him a blank stare. «This is the millionth time I’ve heard you say that.»
Guilt coloured Sasuke’s cheeks with a shade of pink. «Is that right?»
The girl sighed deeply. «You’re always going on about how you’ve made up your mind and how you will try to get to him, but in the end you never do anything. I mean, I could understand when you didn’t want him to know, but now why can’t you just tell him, instead of dancing around like this?»
Sasuke slightly furrowed his brow. «Because it’d be—»
«Yes, yes, I know,» Kasuga interrupted him, «I just meant that I don’t get you. It’d be so much easier.»
The other grinned. «Heh, what can I say… The hard mode is more exciting.»
«Or you’re just stupid,» she argued, making Sasuke laugh.
«You’re so cruel!» he whined with the grin still on his face.
Kasuga hissed, imposing silence on her friend as the teacher walked in and the rest of the class stopped chatting.
***
Sasuke tried to be optimistic, but he couldn’t help but have the feeling that his efforts were useless. Yukimura was often mocked by anyone who knew him for his being completely oblivious about anything regarding love. He wouldn’t notice if two people close to him liked each other even when it was obvious to everyone else, and sure as hell he wouldn’t recognise it if someone tried to flirt with him, simply exchanging it for an attempt to be nice. Luckily he hadn’t been the receiver of open love confessions many times, so he’d had little chances of unintentionally breaking a poor soul’s heart by reacting with far too much surprise.
Who would’ve thought that the poor soul in question could be Sasuke, someday? Sasuke certainly did not; when he realised he was coming to like his friend as more than a friend, his first, most spontaneous reaction was — he could remember it perfectly, and he somewhat enjoyed recalling it with bitter amusement — “Oh, crap, not him.” He couldn’t have seriously fallen for someone who would’ve never become aware of his feelings unless he told him plain and clear, could he?
Well, damn sure he had. Telling him, however, was impossible.
This had been his second thought, which had followed the first one closely: he’s my best friend. Sasuke didn’t believe in any of those ridiculous stories about falling for a friend being a taboo because of the risk of ruining a beautiful friendship; he genuinely hated it when it happened in fiction, especially if it took up a big part of the plot, deeming it boring and unrealistic. But now that he himself was in that kind of situation, he was starting to regret all the times he’d insulted those movies as cheap.
To be honest, though, his reasons were different: simply put, he found it embarrassing. There was no way he stood a chance, he was pretty sure, therefore a confession would’ve been too embarrassing. He was confident Yukimura wouldn’t have minded, he knew him and trusted him enough to know that their friendship wasn’t in danger — but he wouldn’t have felt at ease, at least for a while. What was the point of trying if he was going to fail anyway? It wasn’t even worth it.
«That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard,» Kasuga had harshly commented, when he’d first opened up to her on the matter. «What makes you so sure, in the first place?»
That was a good question. He knew he had a point, but when it came to putting it into words he wasn’t so sure anymore. It wasn’t something that could be explained, he’d defended himself, it was more of a hunch. When he tried to imagine it, it didn’t seem… right. He couldn’t picture Yukimura widening his eyes with surprise, going all red from the embarrassment of finding the proper words to reply, and, overwhelmed by joy, leaping into his arms looking for a hug… All right, maybe he could picture it — not in realistic terms, though. He couldn’t see it actually happening.
«That’s the second dumbest thing I’ve ever heard, but I couldn’t really expect anything different from you, could I.»
The truth was that he was, fair and square, afraid. Not only he was sure he would’ve been rejected, but he was scared of it. He deeply treasured the friendship he shared with Yukimura, and he was very far from finding it a plain and limited relationship, therefore it wasn’t the consequences of a refusal (that is, staying friends) that worried him, but rather the refusal in itself: he didn’t want to say “I like you” if all he was going to receive as a reply would’ve been embarrassed apologies. No matter how he put it, he couldn’t afford to make a move.
For some reason not too hard to investigate, the voice in his mind telling him that he was just being a coward sounded exactly like his lady friend.
With time passing, however, Sasuke had progressively come to decide not suppress his feelings anymore; to be more precise, he’d come to terms with the fact that he couldn’t manage to do that, and thus stopped trying. The warmth that enveloped and clutched his heart when he was with Yukimura was too vivid to pretend it wasn’t there.
He was still firm about avoiding a straightforward confession, but he started trying something, almost unconsciously at first. Longing gazes, warm smiles, silent staring into each other’s eyes without feeling awkward; he wasn’t hiding any of these signs of his affection anymore.
With some more time passing, he eventually resolved he would’ve made an attempt, although a very shy one: since he didn’t know how Yukimura felt towards him (with a lot of help from Kasuga’s reprimands to his cowardice, he’d managed to cast away the prejudice of a secure rejection), he decided that he would’ve tried to conquer his heart and see if there was a possibility for things to go as he wished. If not, he would’ve backed off and left everything as it had always been, without anyone getting hurt. It couldn’t be that difficult, right?
Wrong.
As foreseen, Yukimura was too clueless to notice any of the little things he did to try and express his feelings. Not that the younger one was entirely to blame, to be honest: kindness, care, and attentiveness were already something common between the two of them, and Sasuke couldn’t exactly be too explicit in his intentions if he wanted to stick to his perfect plan. Months passed by, and Sasuke’s mood swayed continuously. One time he was discouraged and wanted to give up, another time he had the impression that things were going in the right direction — but then he started doubting that it was just what his imagination wanted him to see, and changed his mind, and so on.
It was a situation with no way out, but all things considered it wasn’t that bad: sure, it was frustrating and somehow terribly lonely, but he and Yukimura were as close as ever and Sasuke was happy when he spent time with his friend. Maybe he just had to be patient, he came to think, and something — anything was fine, at this point — would’ve happened.