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Sunlight filtered through the wall of Kosha’s tent. She squinted, irritated, and woke.
“Stupid-butt sun shinin’ in mah momma-lovin’ face,” she growled.
She sat up and loudly adjusted her neck. Sleeping outdoors was bullpoop, plain and simple. She threw open the flaps of the tent and stuck her head out, looking mean, even though she wasn’t actually mean and just looked that way from not getting enough sleep and sleeping in an uncomfortable place kind of like when you’re running late for school and it makes you act mean and you yell at the cashier at Starbucks for not getting you your drink fast enough but if you weren’t so stressed out about running late you’d probably not yell at them and wish them a good morning back when they wished you one.
“Bilbo!” she shouted, “you little female dog! Where the freak is that big stupid doodoo-head, Gandalf!? I need to complain to him about him being a gosh-darned troll and making up sleep in the woods.”
Bilbo threw up his hands. “Don’t ask me, “he whined like a kitty-cat. “I’m too unassertive to confront people about things! Also, my feet are furry and I hate adventure.”
Thorrin cocked an eyebrow. “I am extremely attractive.”
Everyone laughed, but then Kosha looked mean again.
“I’m gonna find that jerk and tell him that he’s a jerk and say some other mean things to him because he deserves it,” she said, while eating some peach cobbler.
Suddenly Bofur (or maybe it was Baldur, I forget who has the stupid hat) ran out of his tent, screaming in horror, poop running down his face. “Oh no! Someone put poop in my stupid hat!”
He took off his stupid hat and showed everyone the poop inside. Everyone laughed because poop is funny, but then they looked concerned because this was a bad thing for someone to do to Bofur even though Bofur is kind of a jerk.
“What kind of a monster would do something like this!?” Kosha shouted.
Gandalf pranced out from behind my some bushes, chortling evilly. “Forsooth! T’was I! I hath betrayed your party, for I am secretly old friends with Sauron! And now, Kosha, Bilbo, Thorrin, and all you other guys who no-one gives a shart about, prepare to meet your end!”
Gandalf started chucking fireballs all over the place because I’m pretty sure he can do that. There was so much fire that there was too much fire. Bilbo and all the dwarves ran around screaming.
“GAAAAAAAH!” Thorrin screamed. Even Thorrin was afraid!
The biggest of the all the fire-balls went at Kosha.
Bilbo sceamed, “NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!” because he thought Kosha was about to die just then and he was sort of in love with her a little (spoilers) but he was too much of wimp to admit it, but suddenly, there was big dramatic flash with a bunch of whooshy lines and the fire-bail was gone.
Kosha stood holding a gosh-darned sword that was glowing like a gosh-darned light-sabertm (AN: please don’t sue me, Disney). Gandalf stood staring with his mouth wide the frick open.
“No… this is impossible… what are you!?”
Kosha’s pony-tail turned gold and stood up on end. “I am Son Kosha… a SUPER-SAIYAAAAAAN!”
Kosha cut Gandalf in half so hard that his halves exploded into little pieces and then those pieces exploded into littler pieces which then exploded into atoms (gore warning, lolz).
Bilbo stared at Kosha with his mouth wide open but not in a creepy way. “Sugoi!” he exclaimed, his eyes glittering. “Kosha-senpai makes my heart go doki-doki!”
Thorrin laughed a manly laugh. “Hah hah hah. Bilbo-chan, do you really think you could ever have a shot with someone as amazing as Kosha-senpai? Besides, you’re already my waifu!”
“B-but Thorrin-san,” said Bilbo, blooshin’, “neither of us is actually gay!”
“Don’t worry, Bilbo! I can fix everything.”
Thorrin pulled out a pink, plastic ray gun, with a sticker reading, “Fanfic Ray” on the side, and used it to zap himself and Bilbo. It turned the two of them so gay that rainbows started shooting out of their butts, and they began making out furiously.
“Looks like those two are,” said Kosha, lowering a pair of sunglasses onto her face, “tasting the rainbow.”
“YEAAAAAAAAAAH!” Bilbo shouted.
And then Kosha made out with an amnesiac lesbian.
THE END!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!