Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Just like a crow chasing the butterfly
dandelions lost in the summer sky
When you and I were getting high as outer space,
I never thought you'd slip away
I guess I was just a little too late” ~Shinedown

My breaths were light, my mind was heavy. The late October air rushed past me in a gust. It was nearing the end of the school day, but I wasn’t really in school, I was skipping. My grades would be phenomenal if I didn’t skip so much. School wasn’t interesting to me anymore, I used to love it and cared profoundly about my grades, but by now I had given up.
The music coming into my ears was peaceful to me, blissful you could say. Matt Bellamy had a way with words that I never would. The sun was barricaded by layers of clouds, England’s weather was very mundane and never really changed.
My eyes slipped shut, getting lost in the music, everything quiet and happy. It was nice. But peace can’t last long.
A hand was placed on my shoulder making me nearly jump out of my skin.
I whipped my head around and was met with an agitated looking teacher.
I wasn’t dreadfully concerned, but I was slightly confused to why a teacher was back here. I always sat behind the school in a small area where people sometimes came to smoke. It was near the dumpster, but it was next to a set of stairs where staff members rarely came out. I was on the thick concrete railing facing the woods next to the school.
“Do you know how much trouble your in young man?” she asked her immaculate bun moving with the force of her words.
“Uhh..Maybe?” I asked, my tone devious and my eyes glinting. It was amusing.
Her jaw tightened and her hands fell slack to her sides.
“Come inside, NOW, your gonna get detention for at least a week.” she said furious.
“Mkay.” I replied, sliding easily off the stone, my feet hitting the ground with a thud.
She grabbed my wrist and pulled me in the doors I was just recently in front of. We trudged through the school, I was embarrassed to be seen being dragged by a hag like her, but evading would be even worse.
We ended at the principal’s office, his icy glare was sent my way, I had goosebumps because I was really never caught, It was almost nice for once to have something contrasting happen. God knows that repetitive things can lead to devastation and inhumane thoughts, or maybe that’s just me. Who knows?
“Daniel Howell, It’s been awhile, Now what were you doing to grab Mrs. Whitney's attention?” he asked, his voice smooth, yet booming and overpowering of me.
I stayed silent and stared at the wall behind him, It was filled with pictures of what I can only assume to be his family. Everyone looked so happy and content in them, nobody looked out of place, everyone was tightly knit and cared for, It was almost too beautiful to be distasteful, yet maybe I look too far into things.
As I came back to the conversation that I was supposed to be partaking in, I noticed that the principal’s eyes were now just not icy, but angry, filled with a slight animosity.
“Were you even listening Daniel?” he asked with a tone full of disgust.
“Dan” I mumbled under my breath, he didn’t pay no mind to my apparent meaningless words.
“If you don’t start going to class you’ll be expelled, your grades are miserable for such a previously good student, I thought you knew how this worked, skipping will never get you anywhere in life, just buried in a hole.” he stated, his tone lacking any sort of emotion, though he seemed tired like he has said this many times before, which I assume he has.
“Hmm.” I grunted. Arguing with him would just make it worse.
“Dear lord.” the teacher that grabbed me said rolling her deep green eyes.
“Detention for one month and if you don’t show up to class again we’ll be contacting your parents.” he threatened. I nearly snorted.
Like they’d care anyway I wanted to shout, but didn’t. No matter how hard I tried to be perfect and liked by them, I never was, I was always just a disappointment.
“Okay.” I said, fake mourning in my voice to camouflage my disinterest.
“I hope you understand.” said the principal, his gaze still cold and harsh.
I grabbed my bag and threw it over my shoulder, detention for a week, that was going to be a living nightmare, but honestly I don’t care, my parents will though, they always will mumble how I’m never going anywhere and going to turn out as low life scum, but to me, that’s just as good as becoming a lawyer like they always dreamed I’d be. It never happened, the only thing that happened was my loss of livelihood.
Just as I was leaving the office the bell signifying the change of classes rung, loud and blaring in the empty halls.
Like wildfire kids appeared and moved briskly through the halls, pushing and shoving, not a single care whether they were hurting someone or being in someone else's way, all they cared about was themselves and where they were going, no more than that. Or maybe I just look too far into things like this.
I glanced at a clock on one of the walls, 1:17, so right now I would be heading to Chemistry, yippy. We had been doing a lot with chemicals I didn’t bother to remember the names of and reactions that I didn’t care to write down.
I really didn’t know that many people at my school, I knew some from previous grades, but never really matched names to faces. Everybody I know was a blur, a blur of a line between now and the past. Nobody spoke to me, I didn’t really have friends or associate with people at all. The most talking I did with others in my school was when someone came by the dumpster to smoke and ask me for a lighter. It was simple, but unusual and strangely comforting.
I lugged my backpack, which was actually filled with books, to my chemistry class. I had always sorta liked chemistry and how the reactions played out, even though some were a bit negative. I liked my teacher, he was a middle aged man who always got to the point, never beat around the bush, he almost didn’t care what we did, so in a way I related to him.
I walked into the classroom, not catching a single student's attention, but the teacher tried to meet my eyes with a small smile that you could tell was faked, yet had a meaning of sorts. I gave him a curt nod and sat down in my seat, It was beside the window and I was thankful for that. Nobody sat next to me either which was a blessing, I hated social interaction. Group work used to be fun when I was young, but now it was just a pain. Opinions change I suppose.
When the bell rang and the teacher started talking, I started to zone out, the words becoming background noise to my wandering mind.
Suddenly, pulling me out of my daydream, the door to the class opened and slammed shut, probably making half the students jump. Who decided that was a good idea? I think rolling my eyes.
My eyes landed on a tall boy who stood in the doorway with a sheepish smile lining his features. He was….interesting looking. He had raven black hair that framed his snowy skin perfectly, his height competed with mine, though the thing that stood out the most was his eyes, they were dazzling to say the least, they were bright blue and full of what I could only describe as life, the opposite of mine.
“Hi..” said the boy awkwardly, his voice surprisingly low, but it suited him.
“Hello, You must be the new student.” said the teacher with a sorta warm, but irritated smile.
“Yeah, I’m Phil, Phil Lester.” He said jumbling his words slightly.
“Yes, well Phil, You can go sit over by…..uh..Daniel, Yes next to Daniel.” he said pointing toward me.
My eyes slightly widened, I didn’t want anyone to be near me, especially a really attractive new kid who was bound to get popular and end up making fun of me within a week.
Phil’s eyes traveled to me and he gave me a small smile that lit up his entire face. Dear lord this boy was like a piece of fine art that I shouldn’t be able to touch.
He walked toward my table and sat down, putting his stuff on our shared surface.
“Well as I was saying…” started the teacher as I then turned away from Phil-the new student, and stared out the windows at the outside world. I feel like I shouldn’t bother with his name, that only leads to attachments and I know that attachments lead to more pain and suffering. Becoming friends with someone to most sounds amazing and thrilling, but to me sounded like a load of hogwash that didn’t impact anything and only made things worse than they already were.
Classes lolled on through the day, I didn’t really remember much from any of them, all I knew was that Ph-New student wasn’t in any of my classes, not that I was watching.
When the end of the day bell rang telling everybody to go home, I headed out the doors and grabbed my phone and earbuds from my pocket. I stuck in the small pieces of plastic into my ears and headed on my journey home. I lived about a 20 minute walk from the school, so technically I could ride the bus, but I didn’t like that idea, people on a small, sweaty, compacted area every morning and afternoon seemed less than desirable.
I hummed lightly along to the song that was currently filling my ears, Newborn by Muse. I always listened to Muse through thick and thin, music in general was calming and kept me sane through rough times, this was no different.
I had been walking for a couple minutes when a hand tapped my shoulder, I wasn’t far from school, so my first reaction was to assume it was a student. When I turned around to face the culprit, I was starstruck from utter confusion. It was Phil. His bright eyes seeming to glow and his features soft.
“Hey, Your Daniel right? I sit next to you in Chemistry?” Phil asked with a grin.
I nodded silently, my eyes dropping slightly with tiredness.
“Um..Is that Muse you're listening to?” he asked awkwardly.
Yet again, I nodded, I was a bit stunned that he knew who Muse was, but anyone our age tended to know them, but recognize a song, that was fairly impressive.
“Muse is one of my favorite bands, if not my actual favorite, so I would recognize any song from Origin Of Symmetry.” he rambled his eyes glowing with what seemed to be pride.
Now he knows album names too? This guy just gets better and better. Slowly I realized what I was thinking. Crap, I shouldn’t get attached to this guy, he’ll be gone pretty soon.
I briefly nodded at him and started to walk again, I walked pretty quickly because of my long legs, but Phil didn’t seem to notice that I was trying to leave because him, having long legs as well, easily stayed in step with me. He was walking with me, I doubted he knew where he was going though because he seemed a bit like a lost puppy.
“So Daniel, Uh….I um..” he stuttered, obviously not knowing what to say.
“Dan.” I whispered, barely audible, but he seemed to hear because he turned to me with a look of ‘Did you just say that?’
“Oh Okay, Dan.” he said, the name rolling off his tongue wonderfully.
“So, You obviously like Muse, so uh what else do you like?” he said giving me a hopeful glance.
Did he really think we were gonna be friends, because that’s not what I was planning on. Maybe he just wanted to try to get close to me, so he could leave me in the future. Or maybe some of the more popular people at school set him up to go make fun of the weird, silent, kid.
I turned to him and raised my eyebrow trying to silently ask ‘What’s it to you?’, but he didn’t seem to understand what I meant because he then cocked his head slightly to the side.
“Why do you care?” I croaked, my voice cracking.
“I uh..I just was wondering, I wanted to try to make some friends and you seemed good as anyone?” he said, but his statement coming out more like a question. Up until this point I never really noticed his northern accent, but i did now.
“Sure.” I said, my eyes rolling sarcastically.
“No, really, but I like Pokemon, Anime, books, music, and uh..Sarah Michelle Gellar. Oh wait and Lions!” he said.
Wow nerd alert.
“Now you say what you like?” he asked.
“I’m not interesting.” I stated bluntly.
“Well I think you are, you seem pretty intriguing to me.” he replied with a shrug of his broad shoulders.
“Also-” he started, but I cut him off
“Bye, Phil.” I said turning up to go up my driveway, I hadn’t really noticed we had walked that far, but I kinda wish we hadn’t stopped, but It was better like this. I think.
My house was crappy compared to most around this area, it was a small ranch style, with bricks that had the paint chipping off. My mum and dad had decent jobs, but they didn’t really spend it much on paint and decorating.
I grabbed the key from under the mat and unlocked the front door. The house smelled vaguely of cigarettes and pizza, home I suppose.
I tossed my bag on the floor and slipped off my shoes. I then started upstairs, not bothering with a snack because I knew we really didn’t have much anyway, mum still needed to go shopping and buy us some new stuff.
When I reached my bedroom I instantly walked in, closing the door behind me, and flopped unceremoniously on my black and white duvet. I was so tired, I hadn’t had a good night's sleep in what felt like weeks. I was always lying awake until 3 am listening to my parents argue over trivial things and days they weren’t arguing, I was arguing with myself, so it was a lose lose situation you could say. My eyes skimmed over the knick knacks and such littering my room, they all were nerdy, but I never had the heart to put them away, plus nobody ever came in here, so It’s not like it mattered anyway.
I grabbed my MacBook off the bedside table and pulled it onto my lap, opening it with my password.
I hit my bookmarks and hit ‘Facebook’ with the small pointer arrow. I just wanted to get on Facebook and learn a little bit more about Phil, to some that may sound a bit stalker like, but it’s not like it mattered.
I typed ‘Phil Lester’ into the search engine, sure enough a profile that looked suspiciously like Phil’s appeared. I clicked onto it and took in the first few photos, they were of him in what looked to be Manchester, explains the accent.
He looked very bubbly and cute in all of his pictures, some of the things on his Facebook consisted of nerdy things like an anime convention, stuffed animals, and even video games. If it weren’t for my personality we would probably get along quite well, but alas, a friend or fake friend wasn’t something I was looking for and I think he might have get the message (He didn’t).
About an hour of going through Phil’s photos and past, I heard the front door open and slam shut, guess who’s home, I thought rolling my eyes to myself.
Mum usually got home about an hour or so before dad, so I didn’t really have a doubt that it was her.
“Daniel, get done here!” I heard her tell, her voice strained and angry, great.
I slipped off my bed and started out my room and down the stairs.
I saw her stood in front of the message machine with an aggravated look on her face.
“Would you care to explain why your school called saying that you skipped and if you skipped again you’d be suspended?” she asked, her fingers on the bridge of her nose.
They said they wouldn’t call, liars.
“Uh…?” I didn’t really know how to reply, my mind too blank and tired to come up with a snarky remark.
“Great, when your father hears about this you're gonna be in much more trouble than you can imagine, so if you tell me why you were skipping maybe I can cut you some slack and not tell this to your father.” she said her eyebrow raised, okay a bargain, I can do that.
“Well, I needed to uh..take a break and lost track of time and didn’t hear the bell ring because I had in my earbuds, so I wasn’t trying to um skip?” I asked, looking at her tired features carefully.
“I know that’s a lie, but I don’t want to argue with you or your dad, so just go to your room and I’ll call you down for dinner later.” she said, walking out of the room toward her and dad’s room. I just don’t know why they don’t get a divorce if they can barely put up with the other, but I guess that’s “love” for you.
Mum always tried her hardest and I respected that, but I haven’t gotten a sliver of her or dad’s attention for years.
I headed back to my room, in a slightly better, yet worse mood.
I flopped back onto my bed and fell asleep, for once in an eon.
--
I was running, it was following me, I could almost feel it’s warm breath on my neck giving me goosebumps. I was in the middle of nowhere, everywhere was just wood, trees, no people, no shelter, no nothing. I didn’t know what was behind me, but whatever it was, it wouldn’t take long before it got me.
I turned around and my eyes met that of what appeared to be some type of demon creature. It’s eyes were almost familiar though, they were a shining blue, alive looking, yet so dead. The creature looked to be a type of human figure, but completely black and shadow like, it looked like a tall guy, the only colour on him was the blue eyes. I knew I couldn’t stop or I would be met with a cruel fate.
Suddenly I tripped over a branch that was in my path, falling face first into the dirt on the kinda-path I was following. I opened my eyes and let out a blood curdling scream. The creature was right there, it’s eyes piercing me like a knife, draining the life from my dying from, everything was wrong. I didn’t know what was happening, my ears were met with a loud ringing sound that kept getting louder and louder, I was falling out of consciousness as the monster killed me. The loud ringing wouldn’t stop though, it seemed to be getting closer and closer.
---
I awakened with a start. My eyelids were heavy and my alarm clock blaring in my right ear. God, that dream was intense. I hurt somehow all over my body, like I actually fell and got scratched up, I know it was a dream, but It was so real.
I spent the first few minutes pondering about my creepy dream. It had been awhile since I had a nightmare that real. I slowly realized how I recognized those eyes, they were Phil’s, I had barely known him for a day, but I knew his eyes by heart? That’s sad on my part.
I got up and changed out of my clothes from yesterday, my stomach rumbled loudly filling the quiet air of my bedroom. I guess I really didn’t eat much yesterday. I threw on a black hoodie and black skinny jeans. My hair was still straightened from the day before, so basically I was ready to go.
I easily got up and left the house. My parents didn’t get up till later.
I slipped in my earbuds like always and started walking down my street in the direction of my school, I was like a zombie.
I heard and felt the thud of someone coming up behind me. I paused my music and looked to my side to see Phil, exhausted looking, but Phil.
“Hey!” he chirped, far too happily for the morning. I noticed his outfit, a button up flannel that was yellow and black, it looked to bring out his eyes more and it looked nice on hi-. I stopped myself mid thought, I needed to stop thinking about this dumb new kid, he was just another person, not a friend, nor a nemesis, just a plain, simple, boring person. No point.
“You Okay there?” he asked a hint of concern in his voice.
“Yeah.” I replied my voice kinda shaky.
He didn’t seem to buy it, but he didn’t question.
“So, Do you like anime?” he asked in a happy tone.
“Yeah.” I mumbled.
“Cool, What’s your favorite? Mine’s Death Note. L is so cool.” he said excited.
“Your Lie In April. Light’s better by the way.” I said, offending him slightly.
“Your so wrong, L is obviously better. Light is just a psychotic maniac, I see where he tried to do good for the world, but seriously take over the world and become a god? That’s absolutely insane.” Phil ranted. He was intriguing and was easily able to capture my attention, it was impressive.
“What does L do exactly? He’s supposed to be this “Oh so amazing” detective who can catch anybody and has an excellent record, yet a complicated teenage boy was able to stump him? It’s pointless on his side because if he has no leads whatsoever, how is he supposed to find a famous criminal? He is pathetic.” I say, my voice not fault at all for once. Phil seemed surprised that I was able to conjure up such an impressive argument, which I am by the way proud of.
“Uh, good point there I may have to give that argument to you, but you seem to overlook the fact that Light wasn’t even able to keep his power, he had to give it up for a while to actually be able to get away with it, you call him a “complicated teen” but come on? He is an absolute genius who obviously doesn’t have enough common sense not to get into this mess in the first place. If he wasn’t smart enough not to kill people at random, who’s to say he’s intelligent at all, in my eyes he is the pathetic soul, not L.” Phil argued back strong.
I wasn’t in the mood to continue this pointless rant, so I just nodded and looked at him. This guy was fierce, but still a geek, I respected him for that, not that I’d ever tell him that.

“Okay, seeing as we never finished this conversation yesterday, what are things you’re interested in because if I’m gonna try to befriend you, I’m gonna need to know what you like.” he said his tongue peeking out of the side of his mouth adorably.
I looked blankly at him, blinking and looking away.
“I already told I’m not interesting and to not look into it.” I mumbled trying to steer him away, because even if he is nice to talk to and be around, I don’t want him to be sucked up into all of my crap, he’s not worth it.
“And I still argue that you ARE interesting, you have at least 2 or 3 common interests with me, why not find out more? You know we’d get along great.” he said smiling kindly at me.
“I disagree, This “Friendship” is a disaster waiting to happen.” I replied snarkily at him.
“You’ll never know if you don’t give it a try?” he asked hopefully giving me puppy dog eyes. Dang it, I’m weak.
“Fine, you only have one chance and if you mess up, I won’t continue to be friends with you.” I said hoping, praying that he wouldn’t agree and just let it go. There’s hundreds of kids at this school and if he was a bit more intelligent he would pick any one of them over me.
“Deal.” he replied, the word seemed to echo throughout my mind like a blessing or a curse, guess we’ll have to wait and see.

The walk to school was filled with a lot of mindless babbling from Phil about something he did this morning, I was slightly zoning out, but conscious enough to know what he was talking out. His smile never once faded on that walk, it was full of life and joy and……..affection. It was odd to me, almost unheard of. My eyes gently looked at him, barely catching his gaze, for a moment we were both silent, just staring at each other, his look kind and mine unreadable.
By the time we reached school, was ready to go home. The building making for fears and terrors appear in my whirling mind, great. Phil seemed to catch onto my uneasiness because he then gave me a reassuring smile as we both walked through the courtyard to the front doors. I heard light whispers about how Phil has made a mistake hanging out with the “Mute freak”. I felt bad for Phil, self pity wasn’t something I believed in, too vain.
We both parted ways when we entered the halls, him heading toward his locker, me toward mine. This almost seemed like It’d end up being a decent day, or so I thought.
As I grabbed my books from my locker and slammed it shut the bell rang. Guess I’m gonna be late. Ugh.
I started to speed walk to my first class, before I reached it though three guys in a grade above me strutted my way.
“Hey Freak, Where you goin’?” asked the tall one giving me a menacing smile. I didn’t respond to him.
“Yeah? Class? God knows you always skip you stupid piece of…” said the other one with a glare of venom.
Then the one who originally said something pushed all the books and papers out of my hand which all hit the ground with a thud and scattered along the tile halls. This wasn’t how this day was supposed to go.
The short one who hadn’t said a word yet then crowded me up to the lockers behind my back.
“Saw you earlier with the new guy, trying to make him a freak too? Bet he is if he actually wanted to hang out with you.” he commented rudely.
“Probably forced him to, The guy seemed pretty uncomfortable with this piece of trash around.” laughed another one.
I was barely even keeping track of who said what anymore, it was a jumble of words and offences that I’d care not to ever repeat.
When I thought things couldn’t get worse, the tall one punched me in the stomach, I doubled over in pain on reaction.
“If you don’t stop getting in the way, there’s more where that came from,so back off from the new guy and go kill yourself or whatever you freaks do in your free time, understand?” asked the other one.
I nodded, pain noticeably in my features.
They walked off howling with laughter. I sat there, crumbled on the ground in a pained heap. I strongly wanted to just leave, but I know the punishment would just be worse. Nobody cared what I did at home anymore, but I myself wanted to graduate and be able to escape this town, being stuck here would drive me absolutely insane. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back, It was throbbing with a newly formed headache.
I wanted to scream, I wanted to yell, but that was pitiful and although I wasn’t full of confidence nor radiate glee, I was stronger than this, I didn’t need to cry on the dirty hallway floors, yet that seemed like all I could do.
With this new form of self esteem I got up, gathering my books ad walked toward my first class, bruises silently forming under my wrinkled shirt. Pain flew to my stomach, jabbing me like bees, but I carried on my merry way to class, everything shattered, but still reachable. I felt almost powerful for once, it was...odd.
The day carried on like normal..ish, I did my assignments, made up some tests, did some terrible acting (Yes, I’m in drama) By lunch I was in less pain, but still content with it I guess, I never had anyone to sit by at lunch, so I usually did a cheap escape to the library because literally nobody went in there, but when I started heading to the library I was of course stopped by none other than the principal himself.
I assumed that he would pass by without question because I wasn’t doing anything bad per say, just going to the library, but the look in his eye was curious and slightly angry, but It looked like he tried to hide it.
“Daniel, how nice to see you, Where do you think you’re going?” he asked a knowing smirk plastered on his face.
“I’m going to the library to read because I don’t like to eat in the cafeteria.” I responded slightly sarcastically as it was my second nature.
“Oh really? Are you sure about that? You seem like you were ready to walk right out those front doors?” he said motioning toward the main hall.
“I….I promise that I was going to the library.” I said wanting nothing more than this conversation to be over.
He looked like he didn’t believe me and as he was about to open his mouth to say something I didn’t want to hear, a voice came from behind me, startling me.
“Yeah, he was going to the library with me, we were gonna go work on reading the story Romeo And Juliet for english, if that’s okay.” said the voice which I concluded to be Phil.
“Ah, Mr, Lester, I see you are starting to fit in, though your choice in friends could be a bit better.” said the principal rudely in my general direction.
“Yes, I’m fitting in just fine, and me and Dan get along great, so if you’d excuse me, I think I’m gonna go to the library with him right now.” Phil replied strongly, grasping my wrist tightly and pulling my toward the library.
“You didn’t have to do that.” I mumbled.
“Yes, I did, that’s what friends do.” he said giving me a pearly white smile.
“Thanks, I guess.” I spoke quietly.
“Anytime.” he replied hearing me astoundingly.
We walked into the library together, the old librarian giving us a curt nod. Phil let go of my wrist as he collapsed into one of the comfortable chairs surrounding a table. I glanced around and noticed only about 2 people were in the entire library, not counting the librarian.
“That was interesting, why was that guy getting on you anyway, you weren’t doing anything bad.” Phil asked innocently.
“I..I’m known for uh leaving.” I replied quietly thinking he did deserve to know.
“Oh” he replied simply.
“Well, we have an entirety of a period to talk and gossip, so what’s up with you?” he asked his northern accent strong, yet comforting.
“I don’t care…” I stated gently.
“What’s your star sign? I’m a aquarius.” he asked a small smile present.
“Gemini.” I said letting a crooked smile take over my face, he was nice and dorky, I liked it, but after a couple seconds my kinda-smile faded at my realization that I felt like I had a friend to talk to. I didn’t really know how to feel, it was warm and calming, yet such a scary territory that I wasn’t sure I wanted to be part of.
“Oh cool.” he said bubbly making direct eye contact with me.
“So uh Dan, would you like to hang out with me? Like outside of school? “ he asked hopefully.
His question took me by surprise, I felt attacked almost, I knew at this point I couldn’t say no, it would be like kicking a puppy.
“We’ll see.” I settled for. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to hang out with him, no that wasn’t even half of it, he was just so adorable and amazing that he swept me off my feet, he gave me feelings that I haven’t felt in well years. It was an experience, but I didn’t think I should get too attached. People always come and go, it was out of the ordinary for me, not normal to have a friend always around and ready to talk about anything and everything, I was nice. Phil was nice and trustworthy with of a heart of gold, unlike mine which in my opinion seemed to be shattered and covered in tears and thorns.
I was so lost in thought that I didn’t notice Phil talking. I snapped out of it when he snapped his fingers near my face.
“Oh, What? Sorry.” I said with a small chuckle and a fake smile.
“I was asking if you did want to hang out, would you like to go to mine or yours?” he asked with a genuine smile and laugh.
“Yours” I replied without slight hesitation. I was not willing to let him into my world of sadness and parents who didn’t know anything about well parenting.
“Alrighty then, Would after school work for you?” he asked considerately.
“Wait, when exactly did I agree to this 100%?” I asked skeptically.
“When I saved you from the wrath of the principal.” he stated easily.
“Fine, and yes after school works.” I said giving up on denying him.
“Yay!” he said gleefully only for the elderly librarian to shush him from across the room.
“Sorry!” he said in her direction equally loud causing another shush. Maybe he’s not so bad.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For the rest of the day I was pondering over whether I should actually go over to Phil’s or if I should ditch, I mean it’s not like he’s important….but he also deserves my thanks for getting me out of that awkward situation.
By the time to bell rings signifying the end of the day, my brain is worn out from overthinking everything and having no idea what I am doing. I enjoy Phil’s company I will admit, but him trying to come in on my life and backstory is more than undesirable.
As I am grabbing my bag out of my locker a tentative hand taps my shoulder lightly. I spin around and my eyes meet bright blue eyes and snow white skin.
“Hey, so are you ready to get going?” he asked happy that I did indeed agree to go with him.
“Yeah, Give me a sec.” I reply closing my locker and slinging my bag over my left shoulder.
“Let’s-A-Go!” Phil said quoting Mario.
“Nerd.” I mumbled under my breath with a light smile.
We walked out the front doors and through the parking lot. We started walking the way I usually do.
“So, do you like video games?” asked Phil even though he knew I understood all of his puns and terrible jokes about Mario and Sonic.
“Yeah, I play too many for my own good honestly.” I replied giving him a sheepish glance.
“You can never play too many video games, once I spent 2 days straight with no sleep playing an entire Crash Bandicoot game.” he said.
“Crash Bandicoot is an awesome game, so I obviously see your point of why you’d do that.” I say glancing around, trying not to meet his eyes.
“Yeah, I know, but it seems like nobody plays it even though it’s ace.” he said a bit hurt like.
“Ace? Wow, somebody’s a northerner.” I say with a tiny laugh.
“Don’t judge Manchester’s slang, at least we all don’t talk all posh like the queen.” he shot back jokingly.
“It’s not my fault I can’t pronounce words right, I blame Elizabeth.” I said with a genuine smile lining my features.
“What did she ever do to you?” Phil asked.
“Be part of the monarchy in general.” I said shrugging my shoulders, no clue what else to do.
We passed my house and I gave it a quick glance, making sure nobody was home or nothing was out of place, which nothing was.
“Is that your place?” Phil asked pointing at my house.
“Yeah..” I mumbled.
“It’s….cute.” he replied, it did have some nice gingerbread look on the outside, so it did look slightly like one of those cottages from a fairy tale, but with the blue paint peeling and the rose bushes overgrown and jagged.
“Thanks.” I say.
“Anyway, my house is that way and down to the right.” he says trying to point, yet not making much sense. From what I could tell we were heading toward the more wealthy looking houses in the neighborhood.
We walked a little longer in comfortable silence until we reached a decently large house with a beautiful stained glass window staring out. It was old looking, yet home-like.
“Uh, so , yeah, this is my house.” he said gesturing awkwardly toward the place.
“It’s pretty.” I said as we walked up the steps to the front door.
“Thanks, I think the only reason my parents bought it was because of the stained glass.” I said his eyes drifting up to the large window.
“ I can see why, it’s lovely.” I say trying to force a smile.
He opened the door and a woman peeked her head out of what I assumed to be the kitchen. She was who I could only assume to be Phil’s mum, she had sandy coloured hair, pale skin, and blue eyes. She was short and thin and had a red apron tied around her.
“Phil, Who’s this?” she asked her kind eyes looking over me.
“This is my friend, Dan.” he said.
“Hello Dan, will you be staying for dinner, I want to make enough for you if so.” she asked looking at me with a smile that was familiar ,just like Phil's honestly.
“No Thank you, Thanks for the offer though.” I say looking at her eyes that are blue like Phil's but more aged and dulled.
“Phil, Your dad won’t be home till 5, so dinner may be a bit later than usual, Okay?” she asked walking back into the kitchen.
“K” said Phil.
“So do you want to go to the basement or my bedroom.” He asked.
“Bedroom of course.” I said raising my eyebrows suggestively.
Phil broke out into giggles, “My room’s for gaming, not for...that.” he chuckled.
He lead me toward a twisty flight of stairs. We jogged up them and through a hallway with a bunch of doors.
“That’s the bathroom” he said pointing toward one of the only open doors.
“And this is my room” he said opening the door to the last room in the hallway.
Inside it was colourful to say the least. The walls were Blue and green with posters littered over them. I noticed a Kill Bill poster and some cut out pictures of lions. It was cute. But as I slowly looked up I noticed the ceiling, it was covered in posters, you couldn’t see an inch of the paint under it. I saw Muse, Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, and even some Radiohead. It was stunning. He hadn’t been here long, but his room was already so much cooler than mine.
“Yeah, I decorated it myself with stuff I like and this was the outcome.” he said gesturing around the room.
“It’s amazing.” I said still staring at the ceiling.
“Thanks. My favorite part honestly is the ceiling and the Sarah Michelle Gellar cut out.” he said.
I glanced behind him and noticed a human sized cardboard cutout of Sarah Michelle Gellar in Buffy the Vampire Slayer with a wooden stake in her hand. This guy was a total nerd.
Phil over-dramatically flopped onto his bed, a satisfying oomph sound followed.
“So, you up for some Mario Kart?” he asked giving me a half smile.
“Why of course?” I replied in a posh accent.
“Don’t, you’re already posh enough.” he giggled.
“Me, Posh, never!” I replied sarcastically in his direction.
“ No need to be sarcastic, this is a welcoming environment, we love people of all backg-” he started, but was cut off.
“No! I’m good!” I say jumping up from my resting position.
“Ha!” he laughed triumphantly.
I was surprised at how nicely our conversation was flowing. It was comfortable and not totally awkward. It felt natural, if that makes sense I suppose.
I looked over at him to see tired, yet lively eyes already staring at me. Blue was a colour you could drown in, I never really believed in those fantasy stories where the Prince and princess got lost in each others eyes and floated away, but right now I felt like I was in a whirlpool that was inescapable. It felt nice, my chest tightened and I felt constricted thinking about Phil and his being in general. I hadn’t known him for very long and to me that was a big reason to not trust him, but I already felt attached to him,and that was not good.
“Whatcha thinking about?” Phil asked breaking my transfix.
“Oh...Nothing.” I replied my eyes quickly glancing back and forth.
He suddenly lept of the bed landing with a thud on the wooden floors. He walked over to a cabinet by the TV in his room, pulling out a game of which I presumed to be Mario Kart. He placed it in the console and grabbed two controllers, chucking one of them at me. I squeaked as he chuckled.
“Scared or something?” he asked with an adorable smirk that lit up his face.
“Some holligan just threw a piece of plastic at my face. I think I have the right to be concerned.” I said.
“Overdramatic.” Phil said snarkily.
“I was a great drama student.” I said, throwing my non-existent hair out of my face.
“Suuure.” he said with an eye roll.
“Now, can we play Mario or what?” I asked holding up my controller.
“Okay, whatever you say princess.” he said with a half smile.
He started the game and we played, racing for the next hour and a half until somebody came knocking on the door.
“Phil! Mum wants you to come downstairs!” yelled a guy who sounded to be older than Phil and I.
“Okay, One sec.” replied Phil, pursuing the game and jogging out the door.
I was left sat on Phil’s bed alone, too afraid to follow, yet almost too awkward to stay.
“Hi, I’m Martyn, Phil’s brother, and you are?” asked the guy who had previously yelled for Phil. He had lighter hair, I think it was along the lines of Phil’s natural colour. His eyes were a light green that suited his stance.
“I’m Dan…” I trailed.
“So, Phil actually did manage to make a friend. None of us were sure if he’d make one this quickly. Phil is really kind and outgoing, but he can be a bit shy when introducing himself to others, I know from him and bad experiences.” said Maryn staring longingly, perhaps revisiting a past memory.
“Yeah, he’s nice.” I replied looking down at my hands. Fiddling with them nervously.
“Seems like he found someone who matches him on the awkward encounter scale.” Martyn said teasingly.
I wasn’t sure how to exactly reply to that, so I just gave him a forced smile.
Thankfully Phil returned before things got too bad.
“Oh! Martyn, You’ve met Dan.” said Phil as he walked into the room.
“Yeah, he seems chill. You have decent taste in men, little bro.” he said throwing a suggestive wink at Phil.
“No! Not like that you sicko. He’s just my friend. And stop calling me little bro, I’m taller than you for crying out loud!” Phil said with a pout present.
“Still younger than me.” said Martyn.
“By 2 years! Step off my case!” Phil yelped at Martyn.
“We both know I’m the more intelligent one and I’m Mum’s favorite, so you can’t argue against me.” Martyn said triumphantly.
“Are not!” Phil argued.
“Are too!” Martyn replied childishly.
“You’re both acting like children, I think I’m more mature than both of you combined.” I said with an eyeroll.
“Oh sure, Dan! Let’s not forget when I tossed you a controller you screamed bloody murder.” Phil said with a smirk.
“You chucked it!” I tried.
“I tossed it!” Phil argued.
“Now, who’s the children?” Martyn said mockingly.
“Fine!” me and Phil yelled in unison.
Martyn left the room with a prideful look slathered on his face.
“Yeah, he thinks just because he’s older than me and goes to uni that he’s so much better.” Phil said exasperated.
“I mean he is older and seems a bit more mature.” I reply glancing around Phil’s childlike bedroom.
“But-” Phil started but got cut off.
“Phil, you keep stuffed lions all around your room. This is a battle you’re not going to win.” I say staring him dead in the eye.
“Fine…” Phil surrenders, “Anyway I think we should do something else. Repeatedly getting beat at one of my favorite games for an hour is fun and all, but after a while it starts to get a bit uninteresting.” Phil says in an asking tone.
“Okay, so what else do you want to do?” I asked.
“We could play…...truth or dare!” Phil says loudly.
“But I’ve told you I’m boring..” I start.
“No you’re not, plus I want to know everything about you. Isn’t that what friends do?” he asks with an encouraging smile on his pale lips.
“Okay then Mr. Phillip, Truth or Dare?” I ask in a deep, threatening voice.
“Truth” he replies simply.
“Okay, Are you jealous of Martyn?” I ask mischievously.
“I mean...He’s my older brother...I-I ..I guess so.” he says thinking about it closely.
“Hmm.” I think out loud.
“Okay Daniel, truth or dare?” he asks.
“We’ll try a dare.” I reply.
“Mkay then, I dare you to…..Lick Sarah Michelle Gellar’s face.” he says.
“Wow, that’s easy.” I reply getting up from the bed and bluntly licking the cardboard cut-out on the face.
“Dang, okay then.” Phil says a bit stunned at how I didn’t hesitate.
“Phil, truth or dare?” I ask.
“DARE!” he yells.
“I dare you to scream out the window “I’m a flaming homosexual with gay urges”’ I smile.
“I mean I am, so close enough” he shrugs.
We both walk over to Phil's’ bedroom window. Outside there is an old lady walking a dog and some 12 year olds.
Phil then clears his throat loudly and opens his mouth. At the top of his lungs he screams “I’M A FLAMING HOMOSEXUAL AND I HAVE GAY URGES!” I burst out in laughter from the attention it gets from anyone in a 50 meter radius.
Phil’s cheeks turn a burning red as he slams the window shut with a laugh.
“Was that good?” he asked, smiling.
“Perfect, except maybe a bit louder next time.” I say sarcastically.
“Sorry, I’m usually not that loud.” he says making me chuckle. The innuendo was pretty slick.
We sit down again and get comfortable on Phil’s duvet.
“Dan, Truth or Dare?” Phil asks.
“Truth” I reply.
“Dan, What’s your favorite colour?” Phil asks like a child who wonders about anything and everything.
“Black” I answer without hesitation.
“Black doesn’t count,” Phil argues, “It’s technically a shade, so choose another.” Phil says.
“Really? Black is most definitely a colour, but whatever. I guess other than Black it would be...Brown.” I reply blandly.
“Boring. What about blue or green or red or indigo!” phil states.
“ I told you, I’m boring.” I say.
“Or maybe I’m just not asking the right questions.” Phil ponders aloud.
“Anyway, Phil, Truth or Dare?” I ask.
“Truth.” Phil replies.
“If you could travel anywhere in the world for a vacation, where would it be?” I ask.
“I would absolutely love to go to Tokyo. They are known for their video games and anime. I also would love to take pictures of all the scenery. It’s beautiful there.” Phil says dreamily, thinking obviously about the matter.
“I really would love to go there too someday. Japan seems like somewhere that you could be so peaceful and I would love to go to the Studio Ghibli museum.” I say thinking about the numerous times I’ve looked up the place.
“Same! It would be such a cool experience. I love Studio Ghibli films, Totoro, Kiki’s Delivery Service, Spirited Away, Howl’s Moving Castle, Castle in the Sky, and Ponyo.” Phil says, recalling the films he’s watched.
“I especially love the ones made by Hayao Miyazaki, all of his movies turn out like pure gold. I don’t know how he does it.” I say.
“See Dan, you are interesting. I just got dig out the things you love and it’s like you are a totally different person.” Phil says a kind smile there.
The more I think about it, the more I realize that Phil seems to always to be smiling and upbeat. He has one of those personalities that you never get bored of. He’s the sun, beautiful and stunning. But as they say, the most beautiful things tend to be the most dangerous.
I snap out of my thoughts to see Phil looking at me, perhaps questioning why sometimes I sit and stare.
“So, Truth or Dare?” He asks getting back on track to the game.
“Well since I know you’re dying to know everything about me, let’s go with truth” I reply.
“Okay then, Dan, Who’s the closest friend you’ve ever had?” Phil asks, digging deeper.
“Um….I haven’t had any friends in a very long time. I used to have a friend named Zach in primary school, but we weren’t actually close, just played with each other at recess. So out of process of elimination I guess it’d be you, Phil.” I reply pitifully.
“Oh! I mean, Thanks for seeing me as a close friend.” Phil says ignoring the fact that I outright told him that I have no friends.
“I feel like you're much more trustworthy than the people at my school, that and you don’t have the virus of school, at least not yet anyway.” I mumble.
“What do you mean “I don’t have the virus”, What’s the virus?” Phil asks seemingly confused by my words.
“The virus is what I call the negative and criticizing tendencies of the people at public schools. They all seem to hate each other, only using each other for their own self gain. They go through friends like wildfire. They never stop until they get to the top. Which that statement could basically apply to any situation throughout each one of our lives. People don’t give each other the respect they deserve in my opinion. Nobody cares anymore. But you, you have feelings and treat people like they are equal, you don’t seem to care about popularity and being the best. You seem like a genuinely nice person that would be great to have as a friend.” I say, sputtering out words quickly and thoughtfully, barely stopping in between sentences.
“Oh….Thanks I guess.” Phil says, his cheeks a deep crimson.
“Well, if it’s the truth, there is no need to thank me.” I replied, my eyes shining golden.
“I’m not sure if I would count that as the truth. Everybody has some nice tendencies and general personalities. I just believe what’s the point of being rude and cold all the time because that won’t ever get you anywhere.” Phil said thoughtfully.
“I mean that’s one way to look at it.” I say.
I then felt a buzzing in my pocket, I totally forgot I had my phone on me. I hadn’t glanced at it in the last 2 hours.
My ringtone was on silent thankfully, but I knew someone was calling me. I silently hushed Phil and answered it.
“Daniel?! Where are you? I come home and you’re nowhere to be found. I’ve told you that you must ask permission before leaving!” my mom screamed across the line.
“Sorry, You never answer your phone and I was just going to a friend’s house.” I reply salty.
“Friend? You haven’t had a friend in years, stop making excuses.” she says, I can feel her rolling her eyes on the other side.
“I do have friends, you just never bother to learn who.” I reply coldly.
“Okay, sure, whatever. But get home now, or I will not hesitate to punish you.” mum replies her words like ice in January.
“Fine.” I say, hanging up the phone with a unconsented groan.
“Who was that?” Phil asks curiously.
“My mum, I need to get going, but it was great hanging out with you. It’s more excitement than I’ve had in the last 4 years.” I say truthfully.
“Oh! You sounded so angry, I assumed it was someone you hated.” Phil said with wide doe-like eyes.
“I’m not too fond of her.” I say rolling my own.
“Oh, well that’s a shame. You probably have a good reason though. Anyway, do you wanna hang out later this week or something? It was fun and I think we should do it more.” Phil asks politely.
“Uh, as long as my mum backs off my case, sure.” I reply with a smile.
“Yay! Okay, I’ll walk you out.” Phil said getting up and leading me down the stairs.
We walked to the front door and Phil gave me an encouraging smile. It was comforting because any people didn’t smile at me for just hanging around them, though in his defense not many people hang around me in the first place.
“Thanks for coming by, It was fun to have someone as good as me at mario kart.” Phil said.
“Anytime.” I croaked.
“Bye, See ya later!” he chirped.
“Bye..” I spoke.
I skipped down the stairs outside and headed down the street. It was only about 5:26, so I had some time. Usually my parents don’t get home till a bit later, but hey, I guess they wanted to be able to call and complain to me about making friends and such.
I was enraged about my mom being such a winch about me not being there. She never notices anyway, it’s like she only cares when she can get me into trouble. I guess that’s what parenting is all about, correcting your child’s mistakes, but she doesn’t bother with me enough to know where I have my weaknesses and need help, she just thinks I’m a total failure all together, Same with my dad.
I was wallowing in self-pity sure, but it wasn’t like I had a dumb reason. My entire life I tried to please them, but the never listen to me about squat, they act like I’m a mistake and that i don’t deserve their appreciation, even when I did care about what they thought about me. It’s sad honestly.
I suppose after years and years of them, you tend to get used to the horrid treatment. I will never have kids, I don’t want to screw up their lives like my parents did to me. That and I don’t think I'll ever be able to find a suitable person to settle down with. No One likes me now and I don’t expect that to change in the next 10 years or however long it takes for me to get out of school, Find a job, and a home
I feel as if most kids my age aren’t worrying about life how I'm, most are caring about careers and university. Honestly, I’ll be impressed if I actually get the stamina to go to uni and get an actual job. Living isn’t a necessity, only a maybe. I’m not suicidal nor do I view the way I see things as depressing and sad, only the truth. I don’t like to sugarcoat. Sugarcoating is just a lie in itself.
People lie left and right, even I do, but that’s basically for my own self gain, I don’t like dealing with the mess telling the truth sometimes brings, so I guess I do have the viru, but hey at least I’m here to have these thoughts and silently judge everyone, how polite.
By the time my thoughts were starting to calm, I was in sight of my house. It wasn’t an interesting walk honestly. It was boring, but my mind is like a set of paints, it can be organized, but more than likely, it’s just a mess of colours and thoughts whirling around like a black hole, never ending, and never complete.

My mum’s car was in the driveway, dad’s wasn’t yet which I guess I could take as a relief, but it didn’t matter way, I’ll still have to listen to a hissy fit that nobody wants.
I walked inside, slipping my dirty converse onto the mat with freshly polished work shoes. They looked surely out of place.
I quietly stepped into the kitchen to see my mum sitting at the dinner table, her gaze burning holes through whatever soul I had left.
“So, first you let your grades slip into nothing, then you’re constantly skipping your classes, now you're hanging out with friends that don’t exist? What’s wrong with you, Dan? You’re a bloody mess, why can’t you just be a normal, good kid for once. I get that you’re going through your rebellious phase or whatever, but that’s no excuse with your behavior!” My mum screeched at me.
“1. My grades slipped BECAUSE I was skipping. 2. I skip because everything is uninteresting, they teach the same stuff over and over again, it’s bland and mundane. 3. I was hanging out with my friend, his name is Phil, he is absolutely lovely and I don’t understand why you’re angry at me for making friends, you just said you wanted me to become more normal, so when I make new friends you say they don’t exist and that I’m lying, what type of foul parent are you?” I aggravatedly said back.
“A parent who cares about my child! How dare you even suggest me to be otherwise. I know what’s best for you, but you never bloody listen and I’m sick and tired of it. If you keep going out of place like this, I have no idea what I’m gonna do. You’re the one who’s acting like stupid child with no common sense whatsoever. I expect you to be getting good grades and trying your hardest, not lying and cheating like a brat! I raised you so much better than this!” she shouted angrily.
“If you cared about me, why don’t you care when I do literally do anything, I could be doing drugs at school and you wouldn’t even notice. I have more common sense obviously thank you, alcohol, cigarettes, and whatever else you do and take is more retarded to take then skipping classes in high school.” I said, the ice had shattered. The dead silence was deafening and the shocked look plastered on her overly made up face was scary. I couldn’t tell whether she was gonna scream at the top of her lungs, or if she was gonna burst out in tears.
She surprised me by doing neither. She shifted her face to that of a normal human. SHe seemed hurt, yet angry. Her eyes downcast and her features slumped. She seemed drained and down, I had no idea what to do. She looked as if she were dead. Her brown, greying hair which curled was matted down and her clothes seemed to barely fit. She was like a walking corpse in this lighting. I was stunned as well at my noticement.
Finally the silence was broken by four words.
“Go to your room.” she spoke lightly, her voice cracking.
“But I-” I started
“GO TO YOUR ROOM!” She screamed, tears were balled in her eyes.
“Okay.” I replied, not wanting to fight with her dying form,
I walked silently up the stairs to my room. I glanced outside my window and noticed it had newly started to rain. It was peaceful and screaming at the same time.
I regretted what I said, she deserved it yes, but she was my mother, she shouldn't have to be put through this torture every single day.
I layed back on my soft bed, wishing that it would swallow me whole. Life was meaningless, it was like someone put all the worst things together in a bowl and splattered it out. Life was a mess, with few good parts. People were cruel, it was just a fact.
I let my eyes close softly. I dozed off, yet didn’t completely fall asleep. It was like chaos in motion.
I awoke to my father, he was screaming at someone who I’d assume to be my mum, she’s had a hard enough day, now she had to deal with this. It was inhumane.
I couldn’t coherently understand the voices, they all were a mess of loud mumbles and noises. I hated when this type of stuff happened because I couldn’t do a thing about it, I could only watch from the sidelines t what could and would happen at any given moment.
As my mind slowly steered clear of fog and I had a better grip on the situation of which was happening. I was honestly okay with staying asleep with my mind too unaware to give a dang.
“Why would you?!” I distinctly heard someone who I could barely make out to be my mom screamed.
I had absolutely no idea what this argument was about. Usually they only fight over small trivial things that slowly build up like a dam and let go, collapsing into a sea of screams and curses.
“I did what any man would do!” I heard from my father only catching bits and pieces that I could glue together in my mind to make sorta sense. Yet not enough to know any of the backstory.

I got out of my comforting bed and was met with the crisp air of my bedroom. Tip-toeing, I opened my door and peered out. Still able to catch some syllables from my parents here and there.
I Walked down the staircase and peeped at my parents in the family room. Mum was a teary disaster and dad looked far past enraged. If I didn’t know any better I'd say there was some physical abuse involved.
Out of what I assume to be the corner of her eye, my mu caught sight of me looking and told my dad to shut up.
They both looked over at me, mum still wrecked and sad, dad was still angered.
‘How nice of you to join us?” sneered my dad.
“Yes, how so..” I mumble off.
“This is because of you, you know that right?” asked my dad, the sick look not leaving his features.
“What?” I asked playing dumb.
“The fact that me and your mom argue, the fact we haven’t gotten along as good anymore, It’s all because of you. You don’t deserve us as parents. You can’t even do the easy stuff like clean and get decent grades. You’re a failure.” he spat.
“Daniel, It’s not your fault, I-” started my mum, but was cut off.
“Stop spitting lies. You know we wouldn't be having this argument if it weren’t for that sick child.” My dad yelled,
“No I’d already be divorced from you.” my mum commented back to him.
“As a matter of fact, if you don’t get out of this house, this instance, I will not hesitate to call the police,” she spat.
I was utterly confuse, they always argue, but the police? I think that's a bit much, he didn’t harm anyone. He didn’t do anything illegal, so why would she ever say that.
“Woman, I pay for this house, this food, and this family. You can’t kick me out of my own home!” He hurdled.
“It’s in my name, everything is in my name. Nothing here is yours and you have no purpose or say in what I do!” She screamed at him, tearful and angry at the same time.
If I wasn’t confused before, I certainly was now. Were they finally getting a divorce? What was happening?
But before I could finish that thought, something happened. Something I never dreamed, something I would never imagine. My horrid father slapped my mother across the face.
She seemed stunned, as if the world wasn’t right, but before I could blink an eye, she kicked him in the shin and ran to the home phone on the wall. Quickly dialing what I assumed to be 999,
Before she could finish dialing my dad walked out the front door, slamming it behind him with a force that shook the heavens to the ground.
I was lost, what was happening, why was this happening? I was confused out of my teenage mind.
“What-What just happened?” I ask my mother, confused and concerned.
“Your father is a liar and a cheater who doesn’t deserve to live in this house anymore.” she said, the phone hung up and her tears dried.
“Oh…” I replied not knowing what to say.
She tilted her head back and stared at the ceiling. She seemed so done and out of it. I didn’t know whether to let her have some space to think or comfort her about the whole situation. I decided with the first. I mumbled something about a walk before quietly slipping out the backdoor.
I walked aimlessly around the neighborhood, no real destination in my mind. I was confused still, the past hour seemed to not connect in my mind. It was fairly obvious what happened, but in my mind it seemed to have no lead up almost. Yes. they are always fighting and yes, they really needed a divorce, even from my eyes. The thing that didn’t make sense was why would my dad hit my mum. He never showed any signs of being abusive, it was all some new unexplored territory that I honestly sure if I should inspect.
Before I knew it, the sun was starting to set, the bright sky turning deep maroons and plums. I had always found sunsets beautiful, but it was common, everyday the sun rose and it set, but there was something about watching it carefully as the colours change and something about knowing that the day has officially ended, many more to come and go.
The sky kept getting darker and darker. I didn’t want to go home, then I’d have to face the reality of it all. I did indeed have school tomorrow, but who cares about that? I could call in sick if I wanted, mum wouldn’t care, she’s too drained.
I was then struck with an idea. Phil. I wonder what would happen if I told him to come hang out on a school night? He seems like he trusts me enough, which may or may not be a good thing. My face lined with a devious and delicate smile, I walked toward Phil’s. I was just there earlier, but I still don’t think he would mind.
As I reached closer and closer, my pulse was racing as was my mind.
I slowly realized that his parents might not let him go out with me, which could be a flaw in my amazing plan.
Knowing exactly what to do, I went around to the back of the house until I saw Phil’s bedroom window. Cliche is always fun.
I grabbed a handful of pebbles off the damp grass. I threw them at Phil’s window. They made a softish clinking sound with each hit. I grabbed a couple larger ones, not large enough to damage, just to make a louder noise.
After a minute or two and slightly confused looking Phil opened the curtains. His mouth formed to that of an ‘O’ and I gave him my signature 2 finger salute.
He opened the window and gave me a smile.
“Romeo! What a surprise!?” he exclaimed overdramatically.
“Only the best for you my love, Juliet.” I played along.
“Romeo, why art thou here?” he asked dreamily.
‘Juliet, oh how I was wondering if you’d like to go on a walk with I?” I asked.
“Why of course? I’d love to go on an evening stroll with thou!” he replied, still playing.
“Please meet me by the door, my love.” I said blowing a kiss.
He smirked, “Be right down.”
I walked to his back door, assuming that’s what we were both thinking.
Out came Phil, he looked amazing in the dim moonlight.
“So why do you want to go for this walk, Romeo?” Phil asked looking at me with shining eyes.
“I was uh…..bored?” I said, more like a question than a statement.
“Okay, so where are we going?” Phil asked.
“Around.” I answered mysteriously.
“Alright then.” Phil said giving me a quick glance.
“Do your parents know you left with a random guy at night to go to god knows where?” I asked.
“Not a clue.” he stated.
“Wow, what a bad boy you are Philly” I said in a teasing tone.
“I know right?” he replied.
I still hadn’t decided exactly where I was taking Phil, he didn’t know the town so well yet and we could go anywhere.
I then remembered a place i had discovered a while ago.
“So Dan, why did you decide to take me on this tremendous journey instead of going alone? I know you prefer to be more of a loner and to me going on a walk with a guy you hardly know seems like a not so smart idea. Just saying.” he asked.
“If I always go alone, the thrill of loneliness wears. It's sometimes a better experience to take someone who knows nothing about the town.” I replied.
“I mean that makes sense, but if you won’t tell me where we are going, why should I have agreed to go with you? Wouldn’t that be ify to even try to convince me to go with you?” he asked, questioning my manner.
“You agreed didn’t you?” I asked giving me a side glance.
“Well-” he started.
“And You didn’t even seem to hesitate on the matter? Why would you trust me enough after what 3 days, to go with me on a walk at night ot god knows where?” I challenged.
“Fair game” he stated.
We walked a bit in a comfortable silence, yet we could both feel the slight tension plaguing the air, but other than that it was fine.
We were edging on the end of suburbia and entering the actual city. I could see Phil’s face lighten.
“City” he stated plainly.
“City” I replied.
“I grew up in the city of Manchester and this seems so much more comforting the the suburbs. No offence, but the suburbs are so bland, I know coming from me, a bland geek, is a bit hypocritical, but still.” he said, stilling staring out toward the bright lights fogging the sky.
“I understand that, I’ve spent my entire life in a small town and honestly, it’s not that fun. Pretty plain jane.” I said thinking back to the numerous boring occasions.
We walked into the city that I knew from my many secret trips. On one of those trips about 2 or so years ago I discovered a small coffee type shop that seemed so 90s and hipster like. Not many people knew about it, but there always seemed to be people there, even in the late hours of evening into the early hours of morning.
I turned down a side alley with few people and some dumpsters. Phil followed me, looking a bit lost, but still happy.
“Here we are” I said as I took him to an old wooden door.
“Where exactly is here?” Phil asked looking around.
“The Human Bean” I stated.
“Doesn’t that sound cannibalistic?” Phil asked giving me a weary glance.
I opened the door, the hinges creaking with the movement, as if the door hadn’t been opened in 20 years,
My nose was bombarded with the strong scent of coffee and smoke. It was cozy at this point.
Phil looked around, intrigued.
I also looked at some of the familiar faces and decor. There was a record player in the corner playing some indie type music that I myself didn’t recognize off the top of my head. The light bulbs were held in pretty jars that gave it a yellow candle glow. Peaceful.
“Wow” Phil said finally.
“I know right?” I replied heading to the counter.
Jess, the server came to the front counter. Her hair was in a messy black bun with strand falling into her green eyes. She was a beautiful girl and she had the body that everyone desired, yet sadly she was taken by her girlfriend, Rachel.
“Dan, glad to see you. Who’s this?” she asked, her pearly smile wide and her glasses slipping down her face.
“This is Phil. Phil meet Jess and Jess meet Phil.” I said introducing them.
“Hi, I’m Jess. I know Dan through the many times he’s appeared here at night.” Jess said, reaching over the counter to shake Phil’s hand.
“Cool, I’m Phil, Dan’s friend.” Phil started shaking Jess’s hand.
“Okay, Dan, Phil, What can I get for you?” she asked.
“Caramel Macchiato for me and…...Phil?” I said.
“Uh….I’ll have the midnight mint.” he ordered.
“Okay, Those will be out in a sec.” She said jogging into the back with our orders on a napkin.
Me and Phil found a small booth in the back of the shop where I myself usually sit.
“This place is really cool and Jess seems really nice. How long have you known her?” asked Phil.
“I’ve known Jess ever since I’ve started coming here about 2 or 3 years ago.” I started, from now it seemed like a century ago when I was so young.
“Dang, You’ve been coming here that long? I mean I can see why, it’s such a calm and pretty building. Th music isn’t bad either.” he said swaying a bit with the beat.
“Yeah, that’s why I keep coming back.” I reply looking at some pictures on the walls.
Our conversation was interrupted by Jess setting the two drinks in front of us. They were large sizes, but that was the only size they had.
“Look good?” she asks politely. Usually me and Jess will talk while I’m here about school and life in general. She was a decently good friend of mine, one of my only friends honestly, but we didn’t talk much other than when I came in.
“They look great!” Phil exclaimed.
“Good” Jess said with her signature smile.
“Hey Jess, would you mind putting on some more tasteful music?” I ask, knowing full well she knows what I mean.
“Of course” She said heading toward the record player.
“You can just ask her to put on some music and she complies?” Phil asked meracios.
“Yet again, known her for awhile.” I say, sipping at me scalding beverage.
A minute or so later, New Born by Muse, the first track on Origin of Symmetry, started to play.
Phil’s eyes brightened even more if that was possible and gave me an award winning smile.
“This is amazing.” he said drinking his coffee and humming lightly to the song.
“I know” I reply.
On about the third or so time of coming here, I told Jess that I adored Muse and she actually started playing them and other bands I liked like Radiohead, Fall Out Boy, and more hipster like music. She was an amazing friend and whenever I came here, I always tipped her well.
“How did you find this place?” Phil asked.
“When I was younger and used to wander around at night, some older kids came down this alley and disappeared into here. I was confused to where they were going and so me, being naive and young just followed them. But it was one of the greatest decisions because I found this place and started coming here once a week, if not more.” I replied, lost in my memories.

Phil stared at my eyes, his blue orbs looking more yellow and green in the light. He seemed so peaceful, I loved seeing people like this. So calm and not caring. I didn’t like people much in general, but when they were like this, they always seemed to have a better attitude and know what they were talking about.
They never cared about their looks and popularity, it was almost as if they were a whole new person. Phil wasn’t like that though, yes he seemed so much more happy and loose ,but he always seemed so kind and happy that right now, it wasn’t out of the ordinary.
I felt alive right now, in the flesh. It was...It was….nice.
Phil smiled gently at me, drawing me out of my mind.
“Whatcha thinkin’ about?” he asked.
“Nothing” I replied.
“You seemed pretty deep in thought” he teased.
“Me? Deep In thought? Never!” I sarcastically replied.
“How sardonic of you.” chimed Phil.
“Nice use of ‘sardonic’. Find it on Thesaurus.com?” I poked.
“That’s only for school papers and fanfiction” he winked.
“TMI, I don’t need to know about your late night Muse fanfiction.” I cried.
“Dang, You know my secrets!” he joked.

We laughed and made conversation for a while before the clock chimed signifying that it was officially morning.
“Wow we’ve been here for over an hour” Phil said, stunned.
“Yeah, the concept of time withered away in this place it seems” I replied,
“Poetic Mr. Howell” he said.
“I try” I replied.
I glanced over at the ticking clock, it was 12:06 am and I felt as if I should be getting Phil home soon, he did need sleep. I didn’t worry about myself, I always put myself behind. Especially with someone like Phil who had a near perfect record that this could cause harm to.
“Do you wanna start heading back?” I asked Phil.
“Only if you want to, you wanna go home?” he asked.
I shuddered at his words, the last thing I wanted to do was go back to the place they refer to as home. Home for me is either loud and full of yelling, or sad and eerily silent that makes your whole body uncomfortable.
“I was just gonna take you home, so you could get some sleep and probably either come back here or something.” I said moving the stirring rod around in my almost empty cup.
“Well in that case, I’ll stay with you.” he said giving me a smile.
“You really don’t need to-” I started.
“But I will” he interrupted.
“Fine, but you’ll get bored eventually.” I said.
“I’ll let you know when i am” he replied.
The record was close to over, the last song, Megalomania.
We both hummed gently to the tune, it was nice.
“You boys doing’ okay?” Jess asked from the other side of the cafe.
“We’re good” I hollered back.
“When’s your birthday?” Phil asked out of nowhere.
“Why do you want to know?” I asked.
“Just in case I need to get you a gift!” he exclaimed like it was obvious.
“June 11th” I replied.
“That’s AGES away” he remarked.
“Yep” I commented.
“Just you wait Dan, you’ll get the best ever in like 8 months” he challenged.
“We’ll see” I replied.
~~~~
“I think we should start to leave” Phil yawned.
“I second that” I replied looking at the clock, 2:15.
We both stood up from our table and made our way toward the door. As we were walking out Jess came up to me and gave me a hug.
“See ya later Dan” she said, her eyes full of life, yet tired.
“I’ll be back” I replied, like I always did.
“Nice meeting you Phil. I hope to see you again” Jess said to Phil.
“Likewise” he smiled.

We headed out of the small cafe to be greeted by the darkness and distant noises of the city. We walk silently out of the narrow alley to the main street.
“That was fun” Phil commented.
“I love going there, I almost forget about my worries for several hours.” I replied.
We weaved our way through the building until we reached the suburban houses.
When we reached Phil’s street, I gave Phil a tight smile.

We both stood on his front porch and smiled at each other like lovesick teenagers.
“I hope I can go with you on another journey” he said, slightly groggy.
“I hope so too” I responded quietly.
We stood there for an awkward moment, neither of us knowing exactly what to do.
I coughed, breaking the tension around us, yet still somehow making it more awkward
“See you around” I said starting to walk down the stairs.
“Wait, And!” he yelped before I got too far.
“Huh?” I said turning around.
He came up to me and kissed me on the forehead,
“See you around” he mimicked, going into his house and closing the door.
The moment happened quick enough that I was a blushing mess, I felt like a 12 year old who got their first kiss, It felt like I was walking on thin air. But my mind quickly apprehended me and I started to frown.
If this ever turned into something more, I’d probably end up hurting Phil and everything would be ruined. I was never good with people and I had absolutely no idea what to do. Life was strange.
I hopped down the porch steps and started off back toward the city. I wasn’t joking when I told Phil that I was gonna go back, but at this point I didn’t necessarily want to go back to the cafe, I just wanted some time away from the world. I stopped myself and thought about where I could go at the moment.
No plan on my mind, I just wandered aimlessly into the city and looked about the glowing buildings. I could always just….get a drink.
I headed to a place that I hated to go to, yet loved the thrill. Tucked away behind the “Bart’s Treat Shop” was a guy who always had alcohol and probably drugs on hand. I had found him when years ago I tried to sneak into a bar failed and then this guy, Michael, came along.
He had deep eyes and a dark smile. He was undoubtedly attractive, but that wasn't why I started buying stuff from him, it was because he had that thrilling vibe that sent adrenaline through my veins and made me feel alive, illegal stuff made me feel more brave and reckless. Anyone would know that it was a stupid decision, but for me I loved the feeling it gave me.
I walked toward the bonfire that had a familiar guy sat in front of it.
“Dan? Long time, no see” Michael said, his voice rough and deep.
“Hey Michael, I was wondering if you got anything strong on you, alcohol wise” I asked.
“Always, what you want?” he asked.
“Whiskey would do.” I replied.
Our conversations tended to be curt, we didn’t plan on ever associating with each other outside of seller and buyer. It was a simple exchange really, he didn’t over charge either, I never knew where he got his alcohol, but wherever it was from, it worked.
Michael reached down into a duffle bag he kept with him and pulled out a bottle of something along the lines of Crown Royal.
“How much?”
“35 quid” he replied, handing me the bottle.
I slid him over the money and walked away, I never stuck around, at least not usually.
I made my way to another alleyway, this city was full of shady areas where nobody went to, I was just lucky enough to know where everything was. A lot of things I did were illegal, I won’t deny it, but I know the ins and outs, so getting caught would be hard to do.
I sat down in the lonesome alley and cracked open the bottle. I felt okay, by myself wallowing in self doubt and pity.
Rain starting trickling from the sky, I pushed myself more into the corner of the street and took gulps of the burning liquid. I guess I always understood what they meant by “You pick your poison”.
~~~~~~~~
I woke up in the morning with a slight jolt from loud honking of horns and distant yelling. My sight was weary and my head was pounding and spinning. I felt like I was gonna pass out. I looked around at my foreign surroundings, I had no idea where I was, at least not in my spinning mind. I was totally out of it.
I tried to stand, but that made everything 10 times worse. My stomach growled because I hadn’t eaten actual food in what felt like a century.
I knew I stunk of dirt and alcohol, but that didn’t really affect me at the moment.
After about 20 minutes, I finally stood and starting walking back toward my house. The bottle was empty and left to sit in the alley way for somebody else to find, I had absolutely no purpose for it.
I made my way down the street, some people gave me second glances, but to see someone looking like this in this city wasn’t far from normal.
I glanced at my reflection in a shop window. I could see that my hair was greasy, my skin was pale, and my eyes were glazed and had circles around them. I looked like garbage, and I wasn’t gonna deny it.
My phone sat at a measly 3% in my pocket, I looked at the time to see it was a bit after 10. I definitely wasn’t going to be going to school today, that I knew for sure.
I didn’t care if the principal expelled me at this point, I just didn’t want to go to school and put up with judgmental teenagers who have no idea who I am and what I do. I wasn’t seen as a guy with a bad reputation really, I wasn’t seen much at all. People avoided me out of fear and even some disgust. Nobody in that hole knows me, they only know what I appear to be, which seems to steer them clear of myself.
Everybody except Phil. Honestly, I hardly knew the guy, but he had somehow managed to get under my skin and into my life. I even shared one of my most private places after only a week of knowing him, how pitiful.
I slugged my way through the people until my house was less than 10 meters away. I hated the way it looked, I hated everything about it, it didn’t look bad from the outside, but the horrid memories that it withheld made up for it. I hated the creaky stairs, I hated the chipping paint, I hated my own bedroom. People may think, oh, your parents are divorcing, it’s normal, big whoop. But they don’t understand, nobody understands, and nobody will EVER understand.
My shoes were now covered in what looked to be a sort of icky mud-like substance that stuck to them like glue. My shirt was torn a bit at the bottom from god knows what. Overall if my mother were to catch a glimpse of me she would I assume I was doing drugs or something, which isn’t terribly far from the truth.
I walked up to the front door and took a deep breath, I attempted to turn the handle, but the door was miraculously locked. I wonder if Mum went out, the garage was closed so I couldn’t really see whether her car was here or not. I wouldn’t think that she would be able to go to work in her current state, but that women always seems to surprise me.
I reached under the mat on the porch (which I argue is one of the worst places to put a key) and unlocked the door. The hinges squeaked loudly as I softly tried to soundlessly open the door.
Inside, everything was dim and mundane. Like nothing had happened in the last few days whosoever. It was calming, but also made me feel like bees were stinging my insides. It just appears like nothing had ever happened, like a divorce wasn't in file and that I was a happy go lucky kid who grew up with normal parents in a normals house in a normal neighborhood.
It was tiring to always have the same thoughts constantly coming to mind. I was also sick of all of this crap. I couldn’t stand the way it made my stomach churn and my eyes water. That was just me. Anybody else wouldn’t have a single clue.
Such a small insignificant detail could mean the world. Seeing some old cracks on the side of the house could make me remember the time my dad tried to teach me how to play baseball, but the dent in the wall could always remind me of when dad smashed a lamp.
Everyone sees things differently I suppose.
I slipped off my shoes and went to my room. I hooked my nearly dead phone into the wall and grabbed a towel. I stunk like beer and street trash, a shower was obviously needed.
I walked into the bathroom and turned on the shower. Stripped down and stepped in.
I stood there for a second letting the water rush down my back and head. It felt absolutely wonderful. I cleaned myself and by the time I got out it was almost 11.
I got dressed in my trademark all black and layed down on my bed. My neck felt like it was being stabbed, as did my back. I was exhausted even though I had slept the night before.
Eventually, I fell asleep in bliss silence.
~~~~~~
I woke up at about 3pm feeling much more refreshed and well, alive. I still saw no sign of my mom, but she could just be at work. I didn’t want to ponder over it.
My head still felt a little dizzy and disoriented, but not as much as it was when I awoke this morning.
I glanced over at my phone to see it was finally fully charged and ready to again be used. I saw that I had a couple of missed calls.
My eyes skimmed over the brightly shining screen. Phil had called me….twice...not a single call from my mother though, I let out a slight huff, I mean, What did I expect?
My messages also consisted of Phil trying to contact me.

To: Dan Howell
From: Phil
Hey, where r u?

To: Dan Howell
From: Phil
Did u get home last night?

To: Dan Howell
From: Phil
Are u ok?

To: Dan Howell
From: Phil
Dan, Plz answer me

To: Dan Howell
From: Phil
I hope ur ok

I closed my eyes and sat back again, a small smile was at my lips, Phil was actually concerned about me, The dirty Rat.
I hastily typed something into my phone.

To: Phil Lester
From: Dan
Hey Phil, I’m fine, my phone was dead...I got home fine last night. Thanks for the awesome time.

I cringed at the fakeness of it all, I lied straight to him, but at this rate, what real choice did I have? I didn’t want him getting upset about me staying out and getting drunk or doing whatever else he may deem wrong. I was wrong, but I sure as heck wasn’t about to drag Phil down with me.

No more than a minute later my phone vibrated in my hand.

To: Dan Howell
From: Phil
Thats a relief, Why weren’t you at school 2day?

I thought about it for a second before slowly coming up with a response.

To: Phil Lester
From: Dan
My mum felt a bit ill, thought I should stay home and watch over her. It’s fine, She’s feeling better.

It was as if I never stopped lying.

To: Danny Boi
From: Phil
Oh thank god, nothing too serious. I missed you though, Bio was horrid, we had a sub who looked like she was 97 or something.

To: Phil
From: Dan
Dang, Can’t believe I missed you making googly eyes at an old professor.

To: Danyul
From: Phil
Hey! Actually shut up!

To: Phil
From: Dan
No, I don’t think I will

I felt content, banting with Phil was more amusing than lying in an empty ditch.

To: Dannnn
From: Phil
Hey! I’m 5 months older than u, I have the power

To: Phil
From: Dan
Suuuure, Keep telling yourself that.

To: Phil
From: Dan
Wait...How do u know when my bday is??

To: Danni
From: Phil
You told me last night.

To: Phil
From: Dan
Oh, ok, sorry

To: Dan
From: Phil
Its fine

I didn’t remember telling him my birthday last night, but we did talk for hours, so It doesn’t really surprise me I guess. Plus, Last night is a bit of a forgotten memory anyway.

To: Dan
From: Phil
Anyway, I was wondering if u wanted 2 hang out later 2day or something?

As my eyes skimmed the text, I could only think about it. Sure, It would be really fun to go out and do stuff with Phil, but what would we do and did I really want this to become...something? No.
I pondered in my head what excuse to come up with when my phone vibrated again.

To: Dan
From: Phil
It’s fine if u don’t, but I was just wondering...u don’t have 2

I sighed a bit, screw it.

To: Phil
From: Dan
U want to meet at Starbucks on fifth at 6?

To: Dan
From: Phil
See U then ;P

I chuckled, Phil was a great friend, if I could even call him that. It was odd between us, that much was obvious, but I guess I didn’t mind as much as I wanted myself to believe I did.

I looked at the clock sitting peacefully on my nightstand, 4:53. I had an hour before I was supposed to meet him. Then, an idea popped into my head. In an hour, i could go into town and get PHil something to thank him for spending his time with such as loser like me.

Quickly, I got up, whipped on my jacket and scurried out the door. I walked down the street toward town. It was a quick walk when you knew the short cuts. I scanned the names of the shops as i passed. I wanted to get him something good, not too much, but enough to say, hey, thank you. Just then, I saw a sign that read “Polly’s Bouquets” everyone likes flowers right?

I walked in and the smell of floral plants slapped me in the face. It was warm and sticky inside, the air a tad too moist and hot, but it was fine. A girl who looked a bit older than me was mending the counter. She had blonde hair with red at the ends and bright green eyes that pierced me as I walked in.

“Hi! Welcome, how can I help you?” she asked, her voice a bit too perky.

“Uh, hi. What flowers would you get someone to say, ‘Thank you and your amazing’?” I asked.

“Hydrangea would probably be your best bet” she replied, the tone still present in her voice.

“Which ones are those?” I asked, a blush crawling up the sides of my face in sheer embarrassment.

“Here, let me show you.” She said, walking out from behind the counter.

I followed her through the wonderland of plants until she stopped in front of a bluey-purple flower. It was very pretty and sweet looking. I just hoped Phil would like it.
__________

After I had bought the flower it was a 5:30, so I had time to walk from here to there seeing as fifth street was only 20 or so minutes away by foot.
I was excited to finally have something to do with somebody. I hadn’t really had people to make plans with before in the past, as of late I’ve just hung around the house or at the coffee shop, so getting out of the house was excitement on its own. My mum really never worried about me and friends which I suppose I was thankful for since i didn’t ever have to face her about it. But it would be nice occasionally to have somebody that actually cared about my wellbeing (neither of my parents EVER did that)
One thing that I definitely was NOT looking forward to was when they finally got a divorce and court and all that jazz. I would much prefer to my mum to end uo with full custody over me when the time did come seeing as I technically wasn’t 18. That’s just one more thing that plagued the back of my mind for now on.
Even though at the moment, life wasn’t exactly easy, at least I had Phil, though he most likely wouldn’t be around for long, It was nice to go out with somebody and have fun, talk all night and have a friend. I used to not care about people well, I still don’t, but I do care about Phil. If PHil where to get hurt or upset, I would feel sympathetic, unlike how I do with most other people. Maybe I wasn’t a caring person, but a non-caring person can still care.
When I finally reached the starbucks we were supposed to meet at, I saw Phil already there sitting at a table in the corner. Not many people were sitting and drinking coffee, more people were quickly going in and out, not stopping on their way, I wasn’t sure whether I was thankful for that or not.
Phil caught my eye and gave me that heartwarming smile. The flowers were tucked in my hand, positioned ever so slightly behind my back, so I don’t think he could tell what I was holding.
I walked up to his table and held out the flowers in front of myself. He looked at me with a disbelieving smiley.
“Dan, you didn’t have to get me flowers you know!” he said, his eyes bright.

“I know I didn’t have to, but I wanted to, as a…..thanks of sorts you could say.” I replied handing him the small bouquet that cost too much for a bundle of weeds.

“Either way thank you, they’re beautiful!” he exclaimed, sniffing them overdramatically.
I sat down across from his and he tucked the flowers in his bag.

“School was horrendous today, some kid got beat up really bad by this jock, he had to be taken to the hospital!” Phil explained, looking kinda guilty and thoughtful.

“At least it wasn't you..” I trailed.

“I wish you were there, it was pretty boring, I guess I made a couple friends, but it wasn’t that extraordinary.” he said.
“Ah,” I mumbled, kinda proud that he missed me in a sick and twisted sort of way.

“Anyway, what kind of things did you do today? And how’s your mum doing?” he asked, concerned slightly.

“Uh, it was pretty boring honestly, mum is feeling better….” I mumbled, I disliked lying to him, but there was nothing better I could do.

“Hm. Wish her good luck from me.” he replied still a bit concerned and thoughtful looking.

“I will” I replied.

“How about I get us both some coffee?” he asked with a chuckle.

“Okay, here let me grab my wallet and we can go order” I said, fiddling to get my wallet from my back pocket.

“No, no, It’s fine, I can pay for the both of us. What would like?” he asked.

“Are you sure about paying, I don’t want to be a nuisance…” I started.

“I’m sure. Now what coffee?” he asked a bit more stern this time around.

“Caramel Macchiato please and thanks” I said giving him a smile as he walked to the counter.
He was so nice honestly. Paying for me when he barely knows me and after all the lying I’ve done to him.

He came back with two drinks in his hands. He sat down one in front of me and kept one for himself.

“Grande Caramel macchiato, like you asked.” he said in a stereotypical waiter voice.

“Why thank you my god sir?!” I overextended exclaimed in a faux posh voice.

We sat sipping our coffee and chatting for the next hour or so, some about criticizing the music, some more about school and teachers. We were talking until any coffee left in our cups would most definitely ice cold.

Phil kept this gorgeous smile on his face the entirety of the time. His expression only changing when he was telling a story and trying to (poorly) capture people's emotions. It was amazing. MOst people would believe that sitting in a small cafe for hours would be boring, but as seen by the past couple days, it could keep you occupied for hours on end if you’re with the right person. The right person in my opinion at the moment was none other than Phil.

“And then my uncle screamed at the top of his lungs and remember this was still during family dinner and I swear that Grandma nearly had a heart-attack!” he finished his story off about his last Christmas.

He was amazing at telling stories, even though his expressions could look a bit odd and he would stutter over words occasionally, trying to get them out too fast. Either way he had almost a talent for it. That and his stories were all pretty odd.

“SO yeah, that was last Christmas. I swear when all the Lesters get together, it’s a freaking madhouse!” he exclaimed.

“Sounds pretty exciting. For Christmas, we usually just get gifts, sometimes a nice dinner, but yeah nothing as cool as that.” I said.

“It may be a bit much sometimes, but without the family all together, It wouldn't be my type of Christmas. You should always spend it with people you love in my opinion.” he carried on.

“Maybe” I said.

We exchanged a mutual look of agreement.

“Speaking of family, I should probably get going, I told my folks I’d be home around 8:30 or 9 and it’s already a quarter till.” Phil said looking at me with a hint of melancholy.

“Mkay, Hope you get home safe and all” I replied, that’s what people say...right?

“Are you coming to school tomorrow?” he asked, giving me a look that said I should.

“Yeah, I’ll be there.” I half-heartedly said.

“Promise?” he asked giving me that same look.

“Promise.” i said, rolling my eyes playfully.

“Okay, see you there, can’t wait for you to meet this substitute though, I swear she’s INSANE” he said.

“Alright” I laughed.

He stood up and gave me a hug, it was odd, I really didn’t get or give hugs very often. ONly to my grandma and such.

WHen he pulled back, I got to look into those Blue orbs that could easily haunt my dreams for decades.
That was when the unthinkable happened. Phil leaned into me and pecked my lips. It was quick, I could hardly tell it happened if it wasn’t for that guilty smile he flashed after and the pink that now tinted his cheeks.

“See you tomorrow!” he said, scurrying out the door, his voice high and his eyes not meeting mine.

WIthout my consent, my mouth tipped into a smile. Phil Lester of all people.

I walked out of the Starbucks a couple minutes later. MY head still in the clouds. I don’t think that anything could bring me down.

I walked home, joy never leaving my form. You’d think I’d be angry or upset, but nope, Phil Lester was on my top most wanted.

As I reached my house, the joy starting to wear off, still there, but not too powerful. I noticed my mom's car in the driveway. Was this a good or bad thing?

I walked through the front door. I saw mum slumped on the couch her head tilted back and her face blank. BY the looks of it she was asleep. Must of had a long day . I suppose with a job like hers it must be like that Everyday.

I slipped into my room quietly, trying not to wake her from her slumber. My skin slightly itchy. I knew what my body wanted, but I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to or not.

I said screw it and reached into my closet, pulling out a small black box, inside of it held what would melt away my insecurities and worries. Phil could count as a worry I suppose, though it didn’t worry me in a bad way, There was still a small nagging voice in the back of my head saying that Phil didn’t even like me and was using me until he found better people to around. IT wasn't really a lie though. He was looking into meeting new people, but whether he liked me or not was a complete and utter mystery, but this wasn’t Nancy Drew, so worrying and using up my last bit of carefreeness seemed like a bad idea.

My body craved it like it always did. I took the blunt from the small box and the lighter. So what if I smoked weed every now and again. It was normal enough. At least I didn’t do heroin or meth or something far worse. My family didn’t watch what I did ever, so when I was younger I had made a couple of deals here and there and got involved in some things I probably shouldn’t have, so what, It didn’t make that much of a difference right? Just weed, small and simple, but one question stayed in my mind, what would phil think? Phil wasn’t somebody who seemed against people like me, but I couldn’t know anything for sure at this point. We were decently good friends from the few days that we’ve talked, but he seems open minded about most stuff.
At least I hoped so.

I always felt more alive when I did stuff, whether that “stuff” be alcohol or some other form of drug. I’m not stupid, although most people (especially my parents) may disagree with that, I was far from stupid, now common sense wise, maybe I lacked a bit, but if it makes me feel better about myself and the horrible situations that always seemed to fondle me, why not? I wasn’t going to die, at least not yet, and I’ve never put myself in that bad of danger, sure I’ve wandered the streets at half past midnight, but who’s to say that’s bloody wrong.

Sometimes my mind did get the best of me, what should I do about it though, truly and honestly.
_______

The window seemed off, I always sat straight in front of it during….times like these. The window never moved..ever. It was always there, looking out, maybe for something, My mind would play tricks on me through the eyes of the window. Outside, as cars rushed pass in a daze, nothing ever changed. What did I expect? It was a window for god's sake, maybe I am going crazy, the grass is always greener on the other side is what they say, honestly to me the “grass” seems the same inside and out. Or maybe this hick town is finally getting to me, either way I wish I wasn’t here staring out the window like it had some sort of meaning, It never has nor will it ever.
______

I woke up in a slight daze, my eyes more blurry than usual, how much did I do? More correctly, what did I do? I of course remember doing some weed, easy, no after effects, but right now i feel like I drank a bottle of tequila. MY head was pounding, my eyes watering, did I have a migraine? I had no clue, all I really knew was that I was supposed to be somewhere that wasn’t here. School, probably, that would make perfect sense. Hey, I was an angsty teen? We don’t have to make sense...right?

Phil? Was he waiting for me and I never showed, was he disappointed, I don’t know anymore, my world felt like it was turned upside down. I was dizzy, maybe a bit sick. I couldn’t recall much after 11pm. I knew I was up at that time though, I had to of been to get f’d this bad. Ugh. My room stunk wholesomely of mary jane, if my mum was even outside the door, she could probably smell the stench. I usually has a lot more careful. I wasn't careful anymore, I wasn’t sick, I wasn’t emotionless, at least not how I used to be. It was a bit worrisome, almost as worrisome as this state of mind. Was I high? Hungover? I was dying to know. It was a mystery, A mystery of myself.

I rolled my eyes and stumbled from my bed. The air was icy as ever. I left my window open I soon noticed. Maybe past me did that to let the smell out, but it inevitably failed.
I stepped quietly through the upstairs of my house into the bathroom. I flicked the light on, I felt pretty nauseous. Maybe some Advil or something would help. I tended to take some Advil for hangovers, was this a hangover?

I opened the medicine cabinet above the sink. MY hand shook as I did so. My vision was still not completely there, the bottles all looked the same through my eyes. Which ones? I felt around, I found a familiar shaped bottle and shook some in my palm, my mind still hazy, I took 8 or so of the pills, in hindsight, I probably should have waited until I was all there, Ever though I had no idea when that would be. The pills slid achingly slow through my body. I put the pills back and started the shower.

A shower is known for helping clear people’s minds and calm them down...right? I’ve heard people say that before in passing, at least I think I have. After stripping down, I stepped into the scalding stream. It was nice on my body which felt tired and downsy still.

I Suddenly fell to my knees as they gave out underneath me. What the heck?
My vision then went black, how ironic, nearly dying in the shower.
_______

I woke up to a white ceiling and beeping, where was I? I tried to adjust my head to see better, but my neck felt like it weighed a ton. I groaned out a low sound.

It was then I noticed the person next to me who quickly looked at my face...Phil. What was he doing here? What was I doing here? Why was I here? All I honestly wanted was answers, nothing more nothing less.

“Hey, Dan, Sleep well?” he asked, his voice sounding on edge.

“Yeah” I replied, surprised at my own voice, It was scratchy and rough.

“Why am I here?” I asked.

He gave me a sad look, it seemed a bit sympathetic, maybe even a tad pitiful.

“You tried to kill yourself..” I started.

“No I didn’t.” I bluntly stated with a dumbfounded look.

“Your uh..Your mum found you when she got home, unconscious in the shower. You had a near lethal amount of painkillers in your system. They also found some up...some..” he couldn’t complete his sentence and looked away.
“Phil, finish your sentence.” I ordered.

“They found a high concentrate of drugs throughout your system, you’re lucky your still alive to be honest, they couldn't identify the drugs for what seemed like a century.” Phil said, a sad look in his ocean like eyes.
Dan looked out the window of his room, rain was pitter pattering on the sill.
“I didn’t TRY to die, I was just so far out of it that I didn’t know what was happening and I….I had not control at that point...whatever happened, happened. I couldn’t…” I responded brokenly.
He tried to give me what appeared to be a warm smile, but it didn’t reach his eyes and it seemed too pitiful for Phil. Phil who was full of life before I came into the picture. He didn’t deserve such treatment. I sighed to myself, I would mess up this beautiful human, just like I thought I would.

“Phil leave” I started, surprising even myself.

“What? Dan, no, I’m not leaving you” he replied stubbornly.

“Phil, you don’t deserve any of this. You deserve so so much better, I can’t make you do anything, but please, just go.” I said, not meeting his watery eyes.

“Dan…” Phil started, his syllables broken as me.

“Please go” I said again, more firmly.

Phil silently got up and walked out of the white hospital room, his eyes casting downshadows as he did so.
I stared blankly at the doorway, he wasn’t coming back, I would never let him, I wasn’t gonna drag this perfect boy down with me, not even if the perfect boy wanted to go down.