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He knows what people will call him.
Coward, Weak, Spineless
But to him it’s better than the alternative.
Queer, Gay-boy, Nancy
That’s how he finds himself in the garage after-hours, overalls tied tightly around his waist as he sits in the passenger seat of a Ford Focus - engine switched on and fumes intoxicating his lungs.
The garage is dimly lit until his eyes finally close and then suddenly it’s bright lights and loud sirens.
From what he can gather it’s Adam that finds him, he’s watching over his own body as his sort-of-Dad and his best mate perform their best attempts at CPR, his Mum’s flailing in the background, mascara bleeding down her cheeks as she screams his name, his Uncle failing to sound calm as he repeats the address to the dispatch team at the end of the 999 call.
It’s weird seeing himself like this, so lifeless and broken - he wonders if he’s looked that way all along, wonders if everyone always knew he was one wrong move away from topping himself. He’s in the ambulance next, sirens wailing as they blue-light him to Hotten General where a Russian Doctor with two many K’s in his name speaks to his Mum in medical jargon, he falls asleep then and the vision is gone.
--
He doesn’t remember how he got to the field. Just knows that it’s not one he recognises from the village and it’s surrounding dales, there’s something different about this - it’s all whimsical and dreamlike, the sky is pastel blue and it looks like a meadow in a painting he remembers seeing on a school trip to the Tate Modern. He’s alone, it seems but he doesn’t feel alone - there’s a presence by his side all of the time though it takes a few hours (maybe days, weeks - who knows?) for a figure to apparate next to him.
“Beautiful, isn’t it?”
Aaron turned towards the voice, low and steady with a hint of a Yorkshire accent and a sliver of something else. It’s a boy, well - a man really - maybe the same age as Aaron but dressed a little different, blue button-up shirt and dark slacks topped off with a leather jacket- blonde hair swept around a pale face, but not deathly pale - fair skin with a pale blush, freckles like constellations across his nose and cheeks, sea-green eyes with a faint sparkle behind them.
“I’m Robert” He whispers “and you’re Aaron, of course”
“Am I dead?” Aaron asked, his voice raw and quivering
“Not yet” he smiled sadly, nodding towards a cloud that had drifted before them “There’s still hope yet”
Aaron allowed himself to be nudged forward with Roberts hand firmly planted at the base of his spine, warmth vibrating through his skin as he’s led into the mist and then suddenly he’s back in the hospital room looking over his unconscious body only this time Robert’s at his side and there’s warmth radiating through his skin and he feels safe.
His Mum is in a wooden chair at the side of his bed, gripping desperately to his cannulated hand as she runs her fingers down his cheeks like this is the first and last time she’ll ever see him again, maybe it is. Paddy’s the other side of the bed, eyes red-rimmed because he’s always been the crier of the family, why change a habit of a life-time? Cain’s leaning with his back against the wall biting at the hardened skin around his thumbnail, he’s perfected the scowl on his face for most of his life but Aaron swears he can see a flicker of pain behind his dark eyes.
“I bet they all know now” Aaron mumbled, more to himself until he remembered Robert stood next to him
“That you’re gay?” Robert said softly “Yeah, they know.. still love you though, don’t they?”
“Seems that way..” Aaron trailed off “It’s just raw, init? They’ll be okay once they’re over the shock”
“Yeah of course” Robert nods, the corners of his mouth tugging down as his eyebrows rise “Because it’s that easy to get over the pain of losing a son”
Aaron doesn’t get a chance to reply because instead, they’re back in the fields - the earthly place at his hospital bedside just a flicker of a memory.
“You could have let me say goodbye!” Aaron argued
“Why? Didn’t you bother to say it first time ‘round?” Robert said coldly
“You know I didn’t” Aaron mumbled
“I didn’t either” Robert shrugged “Except my family weren’t as accepting as yours”
“You’re gay?”
“Bisexual, I like both” Robert shrugged “Took five years alone in this field to finally accept it”
“Five years?” Aaron gasped “You’ve been here, on your own for five years?”
“Don’t feel sorry for me Aaron, I’m used to being alone” Robert shrugged sadly “You’re not though”
“Mum left when I was a kid and Dad was-..” Aaron swallowed “Haven’t exactly been surrounded by people myself”
“But then she found you again” Robert nodded because he knew, of course he knew “and she tried Aaron, she really tried”
“She left me again” Aaron swallowed bitterly “I love her, of course I do - but she did it again”
“Then in comes Paddy, the Father you deserved”
Aaron let out a quiet sob that he tried to cover by turning away, but it was no use because everything in this place was echoing and loud.
“He deserved better” Aaron sighed “I’m not tying him down now”
“You were never tying him down Aaron, he could have kicked you out months ago”
“But he didn’t because he’s too good, it’s pathetic” Aaron spat bitterly, his instant reaction when things get heated “I suppose you saw what I did to him? Since you seem to know everything else about me”
“Yeah” Robert nodded, biting his lip “I watched you hurt him, physically and emotionally”
“See? I’m not worth your bother”
“I also saw the adoration in his eyes, that he’d never give up on you”
“Can’t understand why”
“Because you deserve to be happy, Aaron” Robert sighed “You just need to learn to believe it”
--
“So why are you alone here?” Aaron asked after a while “I thought all dead people went to heaven or hell?”
“I don’t know, not exactly” Robert sighed, laying his head in the crook of his elbow as he lay in the grass “At first I thought it was because I deserved it.. I’d pushed everyone away and I deserved to spend the rest of my eternity alone”
“..- and now?”
“I like to think it had something to do with you” Robert smiled, looking up at him through his eyelashes “It was.. everything up here.. there was nothing.. not until you..”
“You know all these things about me.. did you know I’d top myself?”
“I felt it” Robert admitted, hand on his heart “In here”
Aaron was quiet as he listened to him speak
“I’d been watching you for a while, saw you kiss Adam… saw you trying.. trying so fucking hard with Holly.. saw every ounce of pain on your face when you hurt Paddy like that..” Robert whispered, memories flooding behind his eyes “I think I probably knew before you did.. that you’d go to the garage.. I just knew..”
“It wasn’t an easy decision” Aaron defended “It’s not like I was just reckless and took a cowards way out.. it was.. it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done..”
“I know it was, believe me I know” Robert whispered, turning onto his side - face mere inches away from Aaron’s “You never asked me how I died”
Aaron was quiet for a moment, taking in the curiosity on Roberts face as he watched him
“Not very polite, is it?” Aaron frowned “Hi how’d you end up here then?”
“Since when have you ever been polite?” Robert snorted “I’m surprised you haven’t decked me yet”
“There’s still time” Aaron mused “Got all of eternity together haven’t we?”
“I do hope so” Robert breathed
--
“So how did you then.. die I mean?” Aaron asked finally
They’d been here what seemed like days but with no way of really knowing it was impossible to judge.
“A lot less creatively than you, I’m afraid” Robert chuckled “Don’t think I thought it through as much as you did”
“You killed yourself then?” Aaron asked, surprised, leaning up on his forearms and running a blade of grass through his fingers
“Is it so hard to believe?” Robert faked offence “Do I look more like a terminal illness or a murder victim?”
“It’s just.. you look so together” Aaron shrugged “Everyone knows I’m a complete head-case”
“Just good at hiding it, I guess” Robert shrugged “I’ve hidden a lot of things in life, maybe that’s why I ended up here”
“Like fancying blokes?”
“Yeah, that’s one of the things” Robert nodded “Dad wasn’t big on the whole gay thing, caught me with some lad on the farm and let me know exactly how he felt about it.. I never spoke about it again”
“Did you ever tell anyone?”
“Not anyone that mattered, didn’t really get the chance to..” Robert shrugged “Had a few one-nighters with blokes after I left home but I hadn’t even been gone a year before I did it”
“How did you do it?” Aaron asked curiously “You don’t have to say.. if you don’t want to”
“Me and Andy.. my brother, we er.. we used to play over at the quarry at the back of Wiley’s.. you know it?”
Aaron nodded, though it hadn’t occurred to him that Robert would be local
“Seemed fitting that it was the place I’d end it all.. sort of poetic in a way.. sounds stupid now though”
“Did you jump?” Aaron asked carefully
Robert nodded “Wasn’t sure I’d have the guts to do it when I got there.. but then it was just so peaceful and I just went over the edge.. it was like my body was doing all the work.. I was just.. wasn’t really there.. you know?”
“I understand” Aaron swallowed “At the end.. it was just peaceful and everything felt.. alright..”
“Felt like I was flying, you know?” Robert snorted, failing to cover up the obvious pain in his voice “Then I fell straight back to earth.. literally.. felt my neck pop and then I was just lay there, broken and I was watching over my own body and everything was quiet.. lonely..”
“That’s how I was, before they found me.. everything was quiet and then there were just sirens.. it’s really startling isn’t it? To have that silence and then just noise..”
“I wouldn’t know” Robert cleared his throat
Aaron frowned, looking over at him with a confused expression
“No one ever found me”
--
“So how old are you?” Aaron asked, lay on his back watching the clouds pass over
“Well I was 19 when I died, but now I’m 24 - whichever way you want to look at it”
“24? Old man” Aaron teased, kicking him playfully
“Today actually”
“Today what?”
“I’m 24 today, it’s my birthday”
Aaron paused, rolling over to face Robert who was thoughtfully looking at the sky
“I killed myself on your birthday?” Aaron spoke quietly
“Seems like some weird kind of fate, doesn’t it?” Robert’s voice was softer as he turned to face him
A thousand thoughts were running through Aaron’s mind at that moment, there was some kind of meaning behind the whole thing he just couldn’t quite pinpoint it. Robert had spent the last five years alone with nothing but rolling fields and visions of Aaron’s life up until now, they’d both struggled to accept their sexuality, took their own lives and were now finally meeting in some kind of limbo, or heaven - on Roberts birthday, coincidentally the day Aaron finally took the leap to end it all.
If he were softer than he was he might have uttered the word soulmates.
Robert was silent, almost waiting for Aaron to speak - say something, anything to explain this sort of pull they seemed to have. The sound of the wind in the grass had quietened down and now all Aaron could really focus on was the sound and sensation of Roberts warm breath against his lips, barely an inch away and he couldn’t really remember when they had gotten this close but it felt right. He let his gaze fall to Roberts mouth, watched as he tentatively swept his tongue across his lower lip - making them more inviting though Aaron was already entranced by them, pink and full and waiting, hesitantly for him to make the first move.
He wasn’t shy, not really. He’d put on a front with Victoria and then Holly but he wasn’t shy, just inexperienced and unsure. But he felt shy now, nervous even - he knew that they were both here for some unknown reason and that this felt more right than anything in his life before this moment, it didn’t stop his heart pounding and palms sweating though. He wondered if he’d ever felt an attraction this strong before now. He had no recollection of the time he’d spent flicking his eyes over Roberts strong features, his freckled skin, mysterious eyes, his diamond cut jawline that Aaron found himself wanting to bite and finally his lips, warm and inviting and so very close.
Robert hadn’t moved an inch, waiting patiently as he watched Aaron with wonder in his eyes. His breath shaky and anxious as he anticipated the moment that would surely come - and it did. Aaron closed the gap slowly, eyes focused on Roberts mouth until their lips brushed and his eyelids fluttered closed, Roberts following barely a second later. He pushed himself against Robert, lips moving slowly as they learnt a new rhythm, tentative and lazy as they brushed against each other. Robert let out an almost silent whimper at the contact, noses nudging and kiss deepening as Robert gently swept his tongue across Aaron’s bottom lip, sighing softly as his mouth opened in acceptance allowing him inside.
Roberts mouth was hot and wet, tongue sliding around the inside walls of Aaron’s mouth, tongues massaging together slowly as they explored. His hand slid around Aaron’s waist, rubbing gently until it settled on his hip - it was comfortable and loving, Aaron didn’t feel the need to push him away for fear of exposure, or defend himself against the accusatory glances from other people, he was just in the moment - their moment. Aaron’s hand shyly rested against Roberts shoulder, slowly moving down his chest as he got braver, finally resting over his heart, the faint thudding vibrating through his palm. Robert skilfully took his bottom lip between his teeth, sucking gently as Aaron sighed, melting into his touch, before pressing their lips together again, confidently this time - moving in their own shared rhythm and bringing sighs and soft moans from both men.
Aaron wasn’t sure how long they’d been kissing before he pulled back, quite content to lock lips with Robert for the rest of their shared eternity. Robert’s eyes flickered open with a new colour, a warm tone next to the sparkle he’d always had, something new and dancing - love, that’s what it looked like. He smiled warmly as Aaron watched him through lazy eyes, smiling back before leaning forward to press their lips together again, parting with a soft ”Happy Birthday Robert” before laying his head back in the crook of his elbow, hand still over his heart as they lay together.
--
“What are you so afraid of Aaron?” Robert asked softly, stroking the back of his fingers down his cheek.
Aaron leaned into his touch, eyes fluttering shut momentarily before he spoke.
“Being alone” He breathed
“Then why would you hide who you are?” Robert frowned “You said to Paddy that you’d never act on your sexuality, why would you be happy to spend a life alone and without love if you’re so scared of being alone?”
“Mum left me once” Aaron swallowed “and it ruined my life, if people found out I was the way I am-..”
“..- they’d love you just the same” Robert spoke gently “The problem is, you don’t think you deserve to be loved”
“I’ve done a lot of bad things, Rob” Aaron sighed, eyes averted to the ground “Things I’m not proud of”
“That’s what makes you such a good person, Aaron” he reasoned “You’re not proud of the bad things you’ve done, you learn from them”
“It’s too late” Aaron sniffed “Even if I was back there now, it’s too late - I’ve pushed people too much”
“It’s never too late” Robert smiled sadly “Come on, I want to show you something”
Aaron let Robert take his hand and pull him onto his feet, looking around curiously at the field until a mist descended in front of them. Robert held onto him as they entered the portal, arriving in a familiar place - the back room of the pub, only it looked different - the wallpaper had been changed and there were candles on the table, his photo framed in the centre.
“What is this?” Aaron frowned, looking around at Robert who stayed silent, still grasping his hand.
Voices came from the door and Aaron turned to watch as various family members filtered through the door, some he recognised and others that he hadn’t seen since childhood.
“What’s this? Where’s my Mum?” Aaron scanned the crowd
“You didn’t recognise her?” Robert asked surprised “I mean, she looks a little different nowadays.. she’s over there, with Paddy”
Aaron looked over to the woman hunched over on the sofa, Paddy’s protective arms wrapped around her tiny form. She didn’t look like his Mum - the sparkle gone from her eyes, no make-up and greying, matted hair, she was frail and small - staring at the picture of her son on the table as Uncle Zak began to speak.
“It’s been a year since we lost our boy” He spoke loudly, but without the authority he once had - like something was missing, there was no heart in it at all “It’s been a hard year for all of us, some more than others - but we’ve pushed through it because we’re family, and that’s what’s important”
“A year?” Aaron asked incredulously “But why is Mum..”
“Grief affects us all in different ways Aaron..” Robert shrugged “Your Mum lost the most important thing in her life that day”
Aaron was quiet as he watched over the scene, each person making little comments about their memories of him, it was a surreal thing to watch.
“I just wish he had talked” Cain spoke suddenly “Wish I hadn’t have been so hard on him sometimes”
“He did talk” His Mum said suddenly, voice hoarse with emotion “We just weren’t there to listen”
“Don’t blame yourself” Paddy sniffed “I just wish I could have done more.. wish I’d have tried harder to get him to listen.. accept himself”
“He was scared” Lisa wiped her eyes with the back of her hands “Is it any wonder with the way the world is today? People can be cruel”
“I just wish he’d have known his family were right here behind him” Marlon swallowed thickly “That it didn’t matter who he loved, because we loved him no matter what”
Tears welled up in Aaron’s eyes, threatening to spill over - his throat burned as he watched his family mourn over him, he felt cruel and stupid and-..
“I need to get out of here.. R-Rob.. get me out of here” He sobbed, turning around to bury his face in Roberts shoulder.
Roberts arms wrapped around him on instinct, protecting him from anything and within seconds they were back in the field but he still didn’t pull away. Robert’s large hands rubbed comforting circles into Aaron’s back, his mouth a breath away from Aaron’s ear as he whispered soft endearments that made goosebumps spread across his sensitive skin.
He’d never felt safer.
--
Aaron woke up with his head on Roberts chest, grass tickling his ankles and sun still beaming down on his skin. There wasn’t night here, only daylight and summer - or so it seemed. He raised his head and rested his chin on the back of his hand, watching over Robert as he slept soundly beneath him. He was beautiful, Aaron thought - though it was the first time he’d ever described someone as beautiful, especially a man. But there was something perfect about Robert that shone from every pore of his skin, he was radiant and angelic and perfect.
Aaron had never felt this way about someone, it wasn’t the same as fancying a lad at school or pretending that he liked Holly the way she liked him, it was different. It wasn’t forced, it was just there this swirling in the pit of his stomach, an ache in his heart and overwhelming emotion every time they locked eyes. It was indescribable, ineffable - just this overpowering warmth inside him whenever he felt Roberts gaze on him, he wondered if it was love - if that was even possible at the mere age of eighteen and somewhere between life and death, but he went with it anyway.. it felt right inside his head, to say that he loved Robert.
“Are you watching me sleep?” Robert yawned, tightening his grip around Aaron who buried his head in his shirt again
“Sorry” He mumbled shyly, cheeks reddening
“Don’t worry about it” Robert chuckled “I’ve had my fair few nights lay awake watching you”
“Really?” Aaron furrowed his brow, raising his head again
“Told you, I’ve been watching you a while” Robert shrugged “You know you do this cute whimper thing in your sleep when you-..”
“Shut up!” Aaron mumbled, pushing his face into Roberts shirt again, inhaling his sweet scent.
“Now now, no need to be bashful” Robert grinned, kissing the top of his head “You’re adorable when you’re sleeping”
Aaron grumbled something incoherent into the fabric of his shirt, cheeks furious red and ears tinged pink with embarrassment.
--
“What’s it like?” Aaron asked quietly “Being with a bloke?”
“I wouldn’t know.. only ever had girlfriends”
“Yeah but, you’ve had one nighters”
“I don’t know.. normal” Robert shrugged “Okay it was weird at first, but it gets easier to relax”
“It’s different though init? Being at someone’s house or something.. not exactly walking down the street holding hands are ya?”
“I suppose not” Robert sniffed “I did kiss a bloke in a bar though once”
“Yeah?” Aaron perked up “Did everyone stare?”
“No, actually” Robert chuckled “Thought someone would say something but no one even looked over, kind of disappointing to be honest - I like making a scene”
“Idiot” Aaron murmured fondly “I couldn’t imagine it.. y’know.. walking into my local with a bloke on my arm.. doesn’t seem right”
“It is right though Aaron, it’s normal and it’s okay” Robert turned, resting his hand on Aaron’s cheek as they spoke “It’s scary but it’s life.. you love who you love, Aaron.. doesn’t matter who it is”
“What if it didn’t feel right, like if I never got used to it?” Aaron frowned “It’s easy to fake it with Holly because that’s normal to everyone else.. if I was uncomfortable with a bloke I’d just look stupid.. like I didn’t know what I wanted”
“Are you uncomfortable now?” Robert asked quietly
“What? No” Aaron tilted his head “Do I seem uncomfortable?”
“No” Robert smiled warmly “But if you hadn’t noticed already - I’m a bloke”
“Yeah but.. it’s different” Aaron argued
“It’s not different” Robert said pointedly “I’m a bloke, Aaron.. a man.. I’ve got my hands on you, you’ve kissed me.. you fell asleep in my arms.. and you felt okay, doesn’t that tell you something?”
“You’re different” Aaron sighed “I couldn’t do this with another bloke.. you’re just.. I’ve never felt like this”
“Of course you’ve felt like this.. you’re gay - you said it yourself.. of course you’ve fancied other blokes”
“I don’t fancy you!” Aaron argued, Robert looked taken aback but didn’t move his hand from his face “It’s not like that.. it’s.. it’s.. more.. I’ve never felt like this before Rob..”
“Me too” Robert smiled, cheeking widening “I never felt like this until you”
--
If Aaron counted every time he’d fallen asleep with his head on Roberts chest as night time then he must have been here for weeks, though he didn’t have any desire to find out how long it had been. It had felt like eternity and mere seconds all at the same time, but it had been perfect. He felt like he’d known Robert his entire life, and if his soulmate theory had any truth in it then maybe he had known him, or at least his heart had.
They’d talked endlessly about everything and nothing, by now they knew each other inside out and it felt easy to be that open with each other, have the other person read you like a book. Robert had told Aaron about his life until the end, his Mothers death - his siblings, how his father had beaten seven shades of blue into him when he found him with a boy in his room. Aaron in turn had spoke of his happier times, lifting the mood with memories of a time before his Mum left he’d managed eight years of normality before his life went pear-shaped.
“You took me a year into the future” Aaron said quietly one day “Does that mean you can take me to the past?”
“If that’s what you want” Robert nodded “Where would you go, Aaron?”
Aaron thought for a moment “The seaside with my Mum.. it’s the last time I was ever truly happy”
Within seconds they were stood on the familiar beach, wind whipping their skin and the sound of the sea lapping the rocks. Over in the distance was an eight year old boy and his Mum collecting shells and fossils, a distant memory to Aaron.
“I was really happy” Aaron smiled “It was the last thing me and Mum ever did together, collecting fossils on the beach”
“Looking at those two over there” Robert whispered, pointing to young Aaron and Chas “Do you think she’d hate him if he ever told her he fancied blokes instead of girls?”
Aaron was quiet for a moment as the realisation set in “No” he choked out “She’d love him just the same”
--
“Can I ask you something?” Aaron said later on, laying on his front in the grass - thumb tracing over a fossil from their trip
“Anything”
“and you’ll be completely honest with me, even if you don’t know how I’ll react?”
“I promise”
“How did you know about the seaside?” Aaron turned to face him, eye searching
“You said you wanted to go there..”
“Yeah but how did you know I meant that beach at that precise moment?”
“I-.. I don’t know what you mean..”
“You’ve been there before.. you’ve watched that memory.. before I came here.. haven’t you?”
“Are you mad at me?” Robert bit his lip “I didn’t really understand it all back then, just knew that you were in here..” he pointed to his heart
“I’m not mad” Aaron reassured “A little embarrassed, sure.. but not mad”
“Embarrassed? Why?”
“Well God knows what other things you’ve seen”
“Oh, you mean have I seen you naked?” Robert teased, knocking shoulders with him
“Well, have you?” Aaron blushed
“Might have” Robert shrugged, looking amused at Aaron’s horrified expression “Okay, yeah - I definitely did - can you blame me? You’re fit”
“Argh!” Aaron buried his head in his arms “That’s weird”
“Five years, Aaron!” Robert laughed “You would too!”
“Does that mean.. have you seen my..er-..” Aaron nodded his head down
“Your cock? Of course” Robert laughed loudly
“I didn’t mean that!” Aaron groaned running his hand down his face
“You mean have I seen your scars?” Robert said seriously “Yes, I’ve seen them.. still think you’re gorgeous”
Aaron smiled shyly before his expression faltered a little “Did you see me make them?”
“Yes” Robert answered honestly “One of the hardest things I’ve ever watched”
“Sorry” Aaron shrugged “It’s just-..”
“It helps” Robert smiled sadly “I get it.. just doesn’t make it any easier, does it?”
“Wait..” Aaron’s expression darkened “You said one of the hardest things you’ve watched..”
Robert was quiet as he waited for Aaron to work it out in his mind, somehow saying it aloud would be worse for them both.
“Did you.. My Dad..You er.. I’m guessing you watched that?” He stared at the ground
“I didn’t watch it Aaron” Robert sighed “But I know it happened, I was there”
“..- then why.. I don’t understand-..” Aaron struggled, wet eyes flickering up to him and then away
“What?” Robert placed his hand over his knee “What are you trying to ask?”
“I don’t know why you’re still being like-.. this..” Aaron waved his hand “So caring and loving and-.. you’re touching me”
Robert drew his hand back “Don’t you want me to touch you? If you’re uncomfortable I can-.. ”
“Yes!” Aaron blurted “I want it but I don’t see why you’d want to..”
“Because I love you” Robert said easily “I thought you knew that”
“But this changes things it-..”
“..- It changes nothing Aaron, I love you.. you’re meant for me.. “
“It changes everything Rob.. I’m damaged and dirty and-..” Aaron flustered, rubbing his palms down his thighs anxiously
Robert grabbed his hands, climbing to his knees as he faced him, forcing him to look up at him
“You’re beautiful Aaron” Robert assured “He is the one that’s damaged, he hurt you and he deserves to go to hell for it”
“You know.. I always wonder if he made me like this” Aaron gulped “If I like blokes then that must mean-..”
Robert placed his fingers over Aaron’s lips, gently stopping him from speaking
“That’s not true, Aaron - I promise you” He breathed, heart-aching from the pain etched on Aaron’s face “If there’s one wish I could have in life it would be to protect you from him, but you’re safe now - and I’d never let anyone hurt you”
Aaron allowed himself to be pulled into his embrace, his erratic breathing calming down as he listened to the steady thrum of Roberts heart.
He was safe, he truly believed that.
--
“You know.. if I’d have met you back home..” Aaron sighed, arm slung lazily across Roberts stomach, face pressed into his neck “I’d have gladly walked through the village holding hands like a pair of freaks”
Robert laughed heartily “I’d gladly be a freak with you, walking through the village holding hands”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah”
Aaron smiled, nuzzling his nose against the soft skin below Roberts ear and placing a gently kiss to his neck. He’d never felt this content, lazily tangled in Roberts arms watching the day pass by - he’d gladly spend forever in this moment.
“I wonder if this is it” Aaron thought aloud
“If what is what?” Robert laughed lightly
“You know what I mean, idiot” He mumbled fondly “If this is it, me and you in this field”
“I always thought that once you came we’d end up somewhere else, some kind of afterlife.. heaven or something.. you know?” Robert hummed “Not really sure what will happen now”
“I wouldn’t mind staying in this field forever with you” Aaron mused “Be nice to have a telly though, reckon we could ask for one?”
Robert snorted, digging him in the ribs playfully
“Yes Aaron, I’ll be sure to ask for a telly if we ever meet the man upstairs”
--
Aaron woke up with a start.
He wasn’t in his usual place, head resting on Roberts chest - instead he awoke to grass tickling his nose and the cold earth below him. He felt different, lonely - like Robert not being directly touching him was almost painful, his heart hurt in his chest. He sat up tiredly, gazing off into the distance until he spotted Robert, sat with his knees to his chest staring out into nothingness.
“Penny for your thoughts?” He asked tentatively, approaching Robert who seemed to be spacing out
“Huh? Oh..” Robert flustered “Did you sleep okay?”
“Not as good as I do with you” Aaron shrugged “Where did you get off to?”
“Couldn’t sleep” Robert supplied automatically, Aaron noted his tone was a bit off but he didn’t say anything, instead analysing the grey circles below Roberts eyes, he looked exhausted and almost like he’d been crying.
The day turned around rather quickly and by late afternoon they were walking hand-in-hand through the grass as they normally did, not a care in the world. Everything was happy and carefree - until Robert wasn’t.
“I’ve not been entirely truthful” Robert said slowly, as they sat cross-legged looking out into the distance “I had a weird dream this morning, that’s why I wasn’t there when you woke up”
“Everyone has bad dreams once in a while” Aaron said softly, hand stroking up and down Roberts forearm comfortingly “You wanna talk about it?”
“Not that sort of dream” Robert sighed “It was about you, actually..”
“Was I naked again?” Aaron teased
“I’m being serious Aaron.. you need to hear this” Robert said pointedly
Aaron nodded, a small frown on his face as he took in the worried expression on Roberts face.
“You’ve been given a choice” He said carefully “You’re going to wake up from your coma and you’ll be fine and no one will know anything about me.. you can go back Aaron..”
“W-What?… What are you on about Robert?”
“You’re going to live Aaron, you leave here and wake up in a hospital bed with your family surrounding you.. You can be happy, have a life and-..”
“You said a choice” Aaron interrupted “What’s the alternative?”
“No, you’re going to wake up Aaron.. your family and-..”
“Robert tell me what my choice is”
“You go back to your life, no medical issues - the way you were and live your life out as you were supposed to.. or you stay here, for an eternity of nothingness… it’s not really a choice is it Aaron, I mean-…”
“Not nothingness” Aaron said bluntly
“I don’t understand?”
“Not nothingness.. this isn’t nothingness.. it’s a life, my life with you and I’m happy and-..”
“Dead Aaron, you’re dead!” Robert blurted “You’d rather stay with me and be dead than have a chance at a real life?”
“There’s got to be another way” Aaron ran his fingers through his hair “Maybe if we-…”
“This is your choice Aaron, your only choice.. make the right one”
“Don’t you want me here? I thought you said you wanted this.. an eternity with me, that’s what you said!”
“I’d rather watch you be happy and live your life than trap you here with me” Robert swallowed thickly “I want you to live Aaron, if you won’t do this for yourself then do it for me”
--
“I’ll never see you again” Aaron whispered hoarsely
They’d been standing for what felt like hours, gazing into the light mist that would take Aaron back to where he belonged, neither one of them strong enough to say their final goodbyes.
“You will one day.. you’ll live a long life and then one day, when you’re grey and old you’ll come back to me.. you’ll come home” Robert said softly, lips against Aaron’s ear as he stood behind him, arms wrapped around his middle.
“I love you so much” Aaron turned around in his arms, resting their foreheads together
“I love you Aaron, that’s why I need you to do this.. I love you too much to let you die with me”
Tears were streaming down both of their cheeks as they pushed their mouths together, hungry for one last kiss. They moved their lips together softly, desperately clinging for their last touch - neither of them entirely convinced that what Robert said about meeting again was true.
They broke apart reluctantly, tears clouding their vision as Aaron turned to face his exit.
“Goodbye Aaron” Robert whispered through burning tears, hands warm on Aaron’s lower back as he walked him forwards.
“I don’t want to leave you” Aaron sobbed, turning away from the light
“You have to” Robert smiled, encouraging him “You deserve to be really happy Aaron”
“I won’t be happy without you!” He argued, pawing at Roberts chest desperately
“I’ll always be here” Robert breathed, resting his palm over Aaron’s heart “I’ll watch over you always, now go Aaron - live the life you were meant to”
Without a chance to change his mind Robert pushed Aaron into the light, fingers burning from the brush with heat and then the light went out and there was nothing, just the panicked expression of Aaron’s face imprinted in his mind, a memory he’d never forget.
Tears rolled down his cheeks as he adjusted to the darkness, the light of his life ripped cruelly away from him - but Robert didn’t deserve him in the first place.
--
“I always knew you had it in you” a warm voice came, forcing Robert to circle around only being met with a haze of pink blush barely forming the image of a person but he knew the voice straight away, though it had been nearly a life time since he’d heard the soft tones of Sarah.
“Mum?” He called out weakly
“I’ve been watching over you Robert, I’ve always been watching”
“I wish you hadn’t” Robert sighed sadly “You’ve seen some terrible things”
“I have” She breathed, voice tinged with sadness “My boy, broken at the bottom of the quarry where he made such lovely memories”
“I can’t hurt people any more Mum” Robert swallowed thickly, eyes shining wet
“You stopped hurting people a long time ago Robert” She replied “You’re selfless and kind now, full of love like you’ve always been - showing your true colours that I knew were always there”
“I’m not selfless.. or kind” Robert spoke lowly “I wouldn’t be here if I was”
“You put Aaron first” Sarah whispered “You made your own heart ache so he could live his life”
“He deserves to be happy” Robert replied, without missing a beat “He deserves to be alive”
“So do you Robert” Sarah replied, her vision finally coming into view - red hair and kind eyes, just the way Robert remembered “You’ve earned your wings”
“My wings?” Robert furrowed his brow
“Your wings, Robert” She nodded “Your second chance at life, to be happy”
“I don’t understand-..”
“You will”
The light was blinding.
--
There’s a change in the air a few weeks later that Aaron can’t quite pinpoint.
He’s been back home for over a week now, spending the first couple of days allowing himself to be mothered before forcefully telling his Mum that he’s fine and most definitely well enough for work again. He’s seeing a bi-weekly nurse from the mental health unit and his head feels clearer now but it’s not because of her, or because of any of his recovery options really - he knows it’s because of Robert and the fact that even now, while he’s a distant memory he can still feel him in his heart.
Cain has been back to his normal grumpy self which Aaron is thankful for, he’s had enough special treatment at home and by the time he’s putting regular shifts in at the garage he’s glad for the normality - even if it does mean Cain is working him to the bone and it means he’s always on tea duty. It’s nearing 5pm on a Thursday and Dan’s clocked off early so it means that even though his shift is nearing it’s end Aaron’s drawn the short straw in going on a call out to a breakdown on the Hotten Road. He should be pissed off that he’ll be missing his tea in the pub but every day since he woke up has been a breath of fresh air and he’s thankful, even on days like this when all he wants to do is sleep.
He’s got the radio on low in the truck, humming away to one of Dan’s compilation CD’s as he pulls up at the side of the road behind a blue Vauxhall Astra. The driver is leaning against the bonnet with his back to Aaron, a beat-up leather jacket covering his shoulders and a mess of blonde hair contrasting against the setting sun. Aaron jumps down from the drivers side, slamming the door noisily behind him and making his presence known as he walks a few steps towards the breakdown.
“You waiting for a mechanic, mate?” He calls out as he approaches the man
“Something like that” replies a familiar voice, deep and velvety as he turns to face Aaron “You took your time”
Aaron is floored.
His feet planted firmly on the tarmac, his body frozen stiff as he takes in the image of the man before him. Sea-Green eyes warm and full of life, dancing on pale, freckled skin - a set of pink lips drawn into a smug smile, signature for one man only - Robert. He looks older than he remembers, but only a little - a far cry from the 19 year old angel but just as beautiful in all his maturity.
He drops his keys.
“I.. you’re.. you’re not real..” Aaron stammers, body trembling as Robert strides towards him
He reaches his hand out and strokes Aaron’s cheek, palm warm and soft and alive.
“I’m here” Robert says softly, eye glazing over in a similar way to Aaron’s, threatening to spill over onto his cheeks.
Aaron lets out a quiet sob before allowing himself to be pulled into his arms, bunching his hands into the back of his jacket and melting into the warmth of his embrace, his face buried into the crook of his neck, taking in the scent of the man he thought he’d never see again.
“B-But how?” Aaron gasped, refusing to pull away for fear of letting him go and never touching him again
“I learnt not to be selfish” Robert whispered hoarsely “I put you first and apparently that was enough for a second chance at life, a second chance at us if you’ll have me”
“You can stay?” Aaron pulled away, wide-eyed as he searched his face for the catch “Forever, with me?”
“As long as you’ll have me” Robert nodded, swallowing thickly “If that’s what you want?”
Aaron answered with a kiss - his mouth moving softly against Roberts, familiar and new all at the same time, their hands grasping each other for dear life, willing the other to never let go. It felt like hours and seconds all at once, forever and not long enough, new and old.
“You came home to me” Aaron sighed, pulling away so their lips were brushing just barely
“Always” Robert whispered, his voice bringing goosebumps to Aaron’s skin “I’ll always come home to you”