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Hyunjin covered his mouth as the sobs bubbled up, tears spilling over his eyes at the sight of Seungmin kneeling on the ground. The younger grasped the front of his own shirt, just above his heart as he shook his head, repeating the words stoplyingtome stoplyingtome stoplyingtome as though they were the only ones he knew. Hyunjin knew that what he was doing was right, that whatever romance had developed between them had stopped being a romance long ago and that the affection he held for Seungmin was not what they called it. He was not smiling genuinely with him any longer- He was not truly happy to see him. That was the biggest red flag that Hyunjin had seen, and he had to act.
He could not trap Seungmin in a relationship where he was in love with the idea of the boy, and not the person himself.
But even though it was not the true love you read about in fairy tales, Hyunjin loved him as his dear friend, and to see him so upset shattered his heart. His head rung with apologies that he wanted to spit out like some sort of stupid rap verse, and one hand stretched out to his now-ex-boyfriend, but he pulled back, shaking his head. Don't make false hope, Hyunjin, he scolded himself, and carefully sank to one knee.
"Seungmin, I think you should go home now," His voice was a low, soothing tone but the boy who smiled pure sunshine on most days only cried harder. He did not regret the words he had spoken to Seungmin but he regretted the delivery, at least. The casual, "I realized I don't love you, Seungminnie. We need to break up." He had deserved something gentler, something more considerate of his feelings rather than Hyunjin only thinking of himself. Thinking of how to just rip off the band-aid and get it over with to spare himself. What do you have to spare yourself for? It's his heart you're breaking, you dumbass. But Hyunjin could not take it back, nor could he take back the shocked sputtering from Seungmin that followed. He definitely could not take back the words that had reduced the dear boy to those terrible sounds.
"Take it back, Hyunjin-" Seungmin gasped, embarrassment coloring his cheeks. He was begging the very person who had just broken up with him, to take it back and stop lying while crying in his hallway. It was like all of his self-respect had gone out of the window the moment Hyunjin had spoken those terrible words. He shook his head, pressing his fists to his swollen eyes as he tried to breath. His nose was blocked with mucus and it was disgusting but his mouth hung open, trying to take in all the air he could. He knew he was a pathetic sight, but his chest hurt so badly. Seungmin could not find it in him to understand what Hyunjin had said.
I realized I don't love you anymore? How can you just fall out of love with a person, when Seungmin was still in love with his beautiful puffy lips and the way his head tilted back when he laughed and how his eyes just almost disappeared with his smile, into beautiful crescents that could not be matched? How could Hyunjin not be in love with him anymore, when Seungmin looked at him and saw his sun in the sky? The water in his ocean? The ground beneath his feet?
How could he no longer love him when every time Seungmin spotted that mole beneath his eye, his heart pounded and affection flushed through his veins?
"You can use the bathroom a bit if you need to," Hyunjin grimaced, finally sighing as he placed a careful hand on the younger's back. He supported Seungmin as he helped him stand, but immediately pushed him towards the bathroom door. Seungmin looked back mournfully as Hyunjin took a step back, hugging himself and turning away, "Take your time. I'll call your mom so she knows to not lock you out on her way to work."
And Hyunjin turned away, retreating to his bedroom to grab his phone. Seungmin saw his world fracture again.
Their goodbye was awkward, uncomfortable and full of Hyunjin's false smiles and Seungmin's silence. The older felt his heart drop lower at the sight of Seungmin's drooped shoulders, the way his head hung down and his thumb nail dug into his other hand as he walked down the porch steps into the darkened night. His ex-boyfriend was illuminated only by the streetlamp lights, the straps of his sunflower patterned backpack seeming to weigh him down even more. He watched the brunet's shuffled steps until he was out of sight, and Hyunjin closed his front door. He collapsed against it, running his hands over his face. Exhaustion wrapped around him.
He really was the worst.
---
Seungmin did not appear at school on Thursday or Friday. Their friends had, naturally, heard of the breakup and while they did not ostracize Hyunjin for it, he saw their looks and their discomfort at his presence. Only Chan approached him, saying that if he truly did not love Seungmin, when it was best that he had let him go. Then the two had parted ways with a thankful hug, because Hyunjin had felt suffocated until that moment. The groupchat nicknamed Stray Kids had not been touched in days. He wondered if he was going to have to find new friends soon, though, because it felt like the group was splintering between those who supported the breakup and those who didn't and Hyunjin did not want to be the reason that their close bond shattered.
Perhaps he should have listened to Chan when the older had asked if he was sure about asking Seungmin out.
He had known all along, hadn't he?
Hyunjin spent his Saturday in bed, staring at his phone. He tried. He really did try to find it in himself to want to date Seungmin again. To go to the younger's house and sweep him into a hug and kiss away his tears, to promise to never say such insensitive words again and to protect him from all the suffering in the world. Hyunjin could not find it within himself.
"I don't love Seungmin," His voice was hardly a whisper, and even in the silent bedroom he almost had not heard himself.
It was the same way he'd spoken when he first made the realization. His heavy eyes slid shut, and Hyunjin pulled out his phone. The groupchat was still dead, none willing to break the fragile...It was not peace. No, it was something much more painful and terrible than that. He could not explain it, and the closest thing he could equate it to was the fragile calm before the storm. But the storm had already came and went- Hyunjin was that storm.
The storm that dated boys, used them, and broke their hearts with a smile, apparently.
He buried his head in his arms, frustrated tears building in them. It wasn't his fault that he did not love Seungmin. Just like Chan had said, it was best to not lead him on! If their two-year relationship was not going to last any longer, then he shouldn't cling onto it. The teenager moaned, rolling onto his back and looking at his ceiling with disdain. It did not hold the answers he was looking for.
Hyunjin heard his phone ping and he sighed, debating. Was it worth even looking at? After a few moments, he took it off of his chest, furrowing his brows as he saw an update from his school's social media page. Before he could click it, the groupchat that he had been mourning sprung to life with a message from Jeongin. He pressed the notification.
[desert fox:]
seungmin hyung no tell me you're okay
seungmin hyung
[squirrelsung:]
wtf no
seungmin answer this chat right now istg
[bundlesboi:]
omg guys i can't
chan hyung say something omg
omg
Hyunjin's heart stopped, and slowly he dragged his thumb down from the top of his screen, pressing the notification from the school's social media.
[heaintbyungchan:]
trying to call his fam
[darkbinnie:]
wft
[felixsunshine:]
guys what even can i just say no please ohmygod
[heaintbyungchan:]
i got in touch with his older sister
i'm sorry guys
Numbly, Hyunjin stared at a picture of Seungmin, with his sunshine smile right next to the picture of a road closed off with bright yellow caution tape. His eyes slid down to the caption, rereading the horrifying, wrongwrongwrong words even as his mother burst through his bedroom door, out of breath and lips pressed together tightly. A tear ran down his cheek and she was at his side immediately, holding him in her warm embrace as his whole body shuttered. Hyunjin could not breathe, and his wails echoed terribly in the room that Seungmin always joked had great acoustics.
Rest in peace to our year 12 student Kim Seungmin, who has passed away in a car accident. Our thoughts are with his family and friends in this hard time. Grief counselors will be available on school grounds through the weekend.
It was only two days later when his older sister posted a picture of his suicide note on his Instagram did Hyunjin learn that Seungmin had purposefully ridden his bright blue bike in front of the truck that night.
'Sorry sorry.
I can't anymore. I really can't. It's all too much. I'm lonely. I miss him.
I'm lonely.
I'm sorry.
-Seungmin'