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Jason was having a bad day. A very bad day. On the list of 'bad days', it's somewhere in the top five. What made it so horrific? A wizard. A fucking wizard. They'd gotten offended when Jason called them a wizard but that's exactly what they were. They were carrying a wand and casting spells and wearing a robe. What did they want to be called? Craig the fuckin' Sorcerer Supreme? That title was already taken, sorry. Calling the already frustrated magic-user a 'Gandalf LARPer' and a 'Bargain-bin Miracle Max' probably hadn't been his smartest move. What? He was snarky by nature.
Said Dumbledore wannabe started casting spells in his direction. At first, Jason wasn't too concerned. When he almost got blown up, he decided to tread a little more carefully. When a spell actually managed to hit him but do absolutely nothing, Jason nearly pissed himself laughing. The wizard was so mortified that whatever they tried to do didn't work. Then, they were terrified because a six-foot-tall, two-hundred-pound wall of pissed-off muscle came charging at them. It took one punch to knock the dweeb out.
He'd snap the wand if he was certain that doing so wouldn't have some sort of consequence. Instead, he bagged it up with every intent on sending it to someone who actually knew how to use magic. With a smug "Bippity boppity boo, bitch." Jason left the magic user securely restrained and disarmed then called in the event. That's when he started noticing something was off.
"Yeah, we got a knocked out nerdlord down on fifteenth. Dude looks like a serious loser. Wearing a robe, waving a wand, the whole nine-yards. Think they wear a retainer too. Hey, I bet they're part of Timmy's Dungeons and Dragons group. Fuckin' nerds."
At the affronted 'Hey!' he slapped a hand over his mouth and cursed.
"Shit, you weren't supposed to hear that. I didn't mean to say that. That was supposed to be internal monologue. Why did I say it? Why am I still talking? Holy shit, Jason, shut the fuck up. Christ, they're all listening. Damn it, I'm already the strange one - y'know, besides Timmy the Weeb -'
He was momentarily cut off by a still-offended Tim.
"What the hell, Jason?"
An aggravated sound rumbled in his chest as he kept running his mouth. Jason made the conscious effort to stop talking but it just wasn't working. He kept on going and going.
"Damn it! That was supposed to be in my head. And hey, don't get so offended. We all know you're a fuckin' weeb."
"I am not-'
"Why can't I shut up?"
"Good question, because you shutting up would be awesome."
It sounded like Tim was speaking through gritted teeth and Jason realized he should watch his back for a while after this.
"Thanks a lot, mouth. Now Dungeon Master Timberly is gonna try and poison me. Fuck! Hnng... I. Can't. Stop. Talking. Wait a second...It's that Merlin-lookin' bitch's fault, isn't it? I'm gonna shoot him right in the daddybags."
He could hear the sound of Bruce sighing across the comm. If he focused, he could probably feel the exasperation wafting from the cave.
"God, Bruce, you're so melodramatic. You're like...those wangsty teens in those shitty high school movies on Disney Channel that I binge watch in my free time. FUCK."
At that, Tim howled with laughter.
"I wonder if I should just bash my skull in a la crowbar again or fling myself off this roof."
Again, Bruce sighed and Tim cackled. He was clearly enjoying this way too much. It wouldn't be surprising if he was recording this conversation to use as blackmail in the future.
"Jason, no."
"Jason, yes."
He bit his lip in an effort to keep quiet as Bruce continued on.
"Whatever happened to you, we can fix. We just need time to observe and go over what happened. If needed, we'll get Zatanna or Doctor Fate to help."
The words were building up on his tongue and it felt like his head was going to explode if he didn't speak. No matter how hard he bit down - hard enough to draw blood - it wasn't enough. He wound up blurting out more of his thoughts all while furiously stomping the ground as if that'd get him to stop.
"God, Zatanna's hot. She can talk in reverse to me any day. And not gonna lie, Fate's body is kinda rockin'. Like you see his ass in that outfit? Fuckin bangin'. And that voice. Dear God in Heaven, please kill me again. Permanently this time."
It sounded like Tim was gonna pass out from laughing at Jason. There also seemed to be a cacophony of other laughs chiming in, which made the situation a million times worse. Before he could say anything more embarrassing, Jason tore the comm from his ear and tossed it to the ground while letting out a loud screech. It was all that was going through his head at the moment. In his opinion, it aptly summed up this entire situation for him.
The entire trip to his safe house, he kept a running dialogue going of the various thoughts crossing through his head. He prayed that no one was around to hear his incessant rambling. The shit he was saying was way too mortifying to be said out loud. Then again, he did just tell his entire family he thought Doctor Fate's ass was hot. Another prayer was said aloud in hopes that Fate didn't somehow hear his commentary. That was the last thing he needed right now.
"Hey, Jason!"
Annnd, he stood corrected. Jason only gave a glance behind him to see Dick running to catch up. A loud 'FUCK' was given and he immediately took off. The stream coming from his mouth now entirely consisted of how incredibly attractive Dick was and how he wished he'd just shut the fuck up already. Dick was catching up fast which was a terrible thing for the bewitched vigilante. When Dick cursed at him, Jason immediately started commentating on what else his mouth could do. He preemptively slapped a hand over his mouth, not that it did much good. He was still talking away, though it was at least muffled now. When he had to remove his hand to make a jump, his mouth wasted no time in blurting further.
"I wonder if he tackles me if I could cop a feel. God. Damn. It."
He made it a building and a half before Dick grabbed his arm and yanked him around.
"Just hold up for a minute!"
Immediately, Jason began to shove Dick away all while still rambling.
"No, no, no. Not him, not him. God DAMN IT, Dick! Why the hell do you have to be so fucking persistent?! Just let me go!"
The desperate tone in his voice had Dick releasing his grip like he'd been burnt. Hands up in a sign of surrender and the faint look of worry clouding his features, Dick continued.
"Christ, Jay, what's wrong with you?"
The concern was heavy in his voice but Jason could only let out a manic laugh. He felt like throwing himself off this building and saving himself from the horrors to come. There was no way he could stand in front of Dick like this and not spill everything. But no matter how quick on his feet he was, Dick was quicker.
"What's wrong- Everything! Every-fucking-thing!"
His hands tugged at his hair in frustration as he spoke through gritted teeth.
"I can't stop fucking talking and spilling my guts all over the damn place. I said Doctor Fate was hot - which he is - like damn, magic dick. FUCK, SEE? I can't stop spilling my darkest secrets!"
The way Dick covered his mouth and hunched his shoulders was a clear sign that he was trying very hard not to laugh at Jason. The afflicted man just kept on going though. His tone plummeted deep and the pain began to slip out. This, this right here, was why he didn't want to be near any of them but especially Dick.
"And if you wanna get real, well, Bruce still doesn't trust me. I still have nightmares. The Joker is still alive. I can't see a fucking crowbar without wanting to vomit. Tim, Steph, and Damian all did better as Robin than I ever did. And you-!"
"Me?"
There was surprise lacing the concern twisting Dick's handsome features. Jason just snarled and jabbed a finger into his armored chest.
"Yes, you! You're...you're so goddamn perfect all the time. Why do I even try when the world has you?"
The jealous edge was sharp enough to cut the acrobat. Dick flinched like he'd been struck and shock gave way to sadness.
"Jay, no. I'm not perfect and you're amaz-'
"Stop! Just...just stop. Please, stop."
He nearly screamed the words at the older hero. It was weighted with desperation, begging Dick not to keep talking.
"Stop what, Jason?"
It was clear that Dick was confused about exactly what he did wrong. He'd just been trying to comfort his distressed brother but it only seemed to make the situation worse. Jason flailed his arms in an indistinct motion at Dick.
"Doing that. Pretending to care. Pretending that I matter to you or...or anyone."
A soft sigh came from the older vigilante and a caring hand was put on his shoulder. Jason just shut his eyes and bit down on his knuckle to muffle his voice while trying to back away from the situation.
"I do care and you do matter. You matter so, so much to so many people, Little Wing, even if you don't see it."
Dick kept talking and it kept driving Jason further down that rabbit hole he'd been trying to avoid. When he spoke, it was in the voice of a broken man. A man who'd lost hope.
"No, I don't."
"Yes-'
"No. I. Don't."
He was adamant about his worthlessness. Dick stood silent for a moment before switching up the lenses on his cowl. Then, he grabbed Jason by the shoulders and tilted his head until they were face to face. Every which way Jason tried to look, Dick shifted to be there. There was a firm set to his jaw that was the tell-tale sign that he was about to get stubborn.
"I don't know where the hell you got that from, but goddamn it, Jay, you better listen to me. You were a great Robin. You're a great man and you. Are. Loved. By me, by Bruce, by Tim and Alfie, and all of the family."
The earnestness in his hard voice had Jason sucking in a sharp breath. He brought his hands up to knot in his hair once more as he started speaking to himself.
"Why's he doing this? Why? I'm not...I'm..."
Dick watched with concern as Jason continued to speak rapid-fire to himself, only getting worse with every word. Carefully, he touched the younger hero's cheek.
"Uh...Jay? You okay?"
Suddenly, he snapped his gaze back up to look at the concerned man and put a hand over Dick's as it cradled his face.
"Dick, do you love me? Really love me?"
The words slipped out so soft and fragile that it felt like one wrong breath would shatter them. He'd never seen a look so vulnerable and heart-wrenching coming from Jason before. He made sure to speak with the utmost confidence when answering the loaded question.
"Yes, I really do."
It caused Jason to heave a shaky sigh and shake his head in disbelief. It confused Dick but what wasn't confusing about Jason?
"Don't say that. Don't-...Don't say that. You'll get my hopes up. God, why are you so fucking beautiful? I can't even look at you without feeling my heart break."
"What?"
That was all that Dick could say. The admission threw the older man for one hell of a loop. Jason just closed his eyes and kept them shut. He couldn't stop himself from talking and now he was on a damn roll. He just couldn't look at Dick while he professed these feelings. He couldn't stomach the disgust he'd inevitably see.
"Everyone's eyes are always on you. You're everybody's favorite. You're my favorite. I've loved you since I saw you back in the circus, swinging on the trapeze. Thought it was just admiration at the time. You were so free and fearless, flying through the air like you really were a bird. I loved you then and I love you now. I love you now."
The more he spoke, the hoarser his voice became. Jason began to shake as he confessed. This wasn't ever supposed to come to light and it was everything he feared. Still, he kept his eyes shut. It was easier than seeing whatever face Dick was making. Brows furrowed in frustration, Jason growled and clenched his fists. The heat of mortification mixed with his anger, creating a volatile mixture.
"God, it's so stupid! I love you so fucking much it hurts, Dick. It feels like I'm dying all over again every time I see that anger and hate in your eyes. Whenever I see you kissing someone else I ache. I just went to tear my heart out and make it stop. I just want the pain to stop."
He couldn't choke back the sob breaking the end of his words any more than he could wrangle in his tongue. All the while, Dick remained silent. That was as much a blessing as it was a curse. Whatever he was thinking would probably destroy Jason. A small huff of resentful laughter puffed from Jay's lips as he continued on.
"The worst part? That little sliver of hope that just won't die. Just when I think I might have gotten over you, you smile at me and my heart flutters all over again. I fucking hate it. I try and try but I just...can't stop loving you."
Jason just wanted to lay down and never get up again. He'd have to move after this, for sure. The way his voice cracked under the strain of his emotions only drove home how low he felt.
"Sometimes I try and fantasize about you loving me too. Pathetic, right? I'm so pathetic. Even in my imagination I'm just not good enough. I'll never be good enough for you, Dick, will I?"
His words were choked out around a mournful sob. God, how he wished he could just stop. But still, his voice continued to rattle on against his will.
"I don't even want to tell you any of this but I can't help it. I wanted to run so you wouldn't hear this. Wouldn't realize what a worthless fucking disgrace I am. But now you know. And now you'll leave me just like everyone else. You'll leave just like Bruce and my father and both of my mothers because that's all I deserve. It's-'
"Jason, Jason stop."
Dick's hands were suddenly back on his shoulders in a grounding, reassuring grip. His voice was soft and full of care. Jason just struggled in the hold and yelled.
"I can't!"
"It'll be okay."
"No, it won't!"
"I won't leave you, I promise."
"Please, don't lie to me. I can't...I can't take any more heartbreak, Dick."
Suddenly, he was engulfed in a crushing hug. One of Dick's hands stroked through his hair and the other held him close. Without thinking, Jason embraced the older man. His hold was tight - probably too tight - but Dick didn't complain. He just made quiet, comforting noises.
"God, I wish you would have talked to me sooner, Jay. This is...a lot for one night but I'm willing to try this."
There it was again. That damn little flicker of hope welling in his chest. Even amidst the wreckage of his life, it still found a way to survive. It burned brighter at Dick's words now than ever before. Jason just sobbed because it felt like he was setting himself up for disaster again.
"D-don't say that shit. You don't get it. You don't get it. You'll get tired of me and leave and I can't do that, Dick. I don't want to be alone anymore."
Still, Dick held him and stroked his hair. It helped to ease the tumultuous emotions ripping him apart. Jason pressed his mouth to the black armor of the Nightwing suit in an effort to muffle the words coming from his mouth. Hearing Dick talk helped distract him just a bit.
"Shh...It'll be okay. I can't make guarantees for what the future holds, but I swear to you Jason that I won't leave you alone. For better or worse, you're stuck with me. I'm telling the truth when I say I love you."
Jason just squeezed him tighter and a slew of words was spilled across the hero's suit. That flare of hope burned even brighter now. He was so deathly afraid to invest in that shard. Afraid it'd break him down and this time...This time he wouldn't recover. Dick gently pulled back to look Jason in the eye. The affection in those bright baby blues had his heart twisting painfully.
"I love you, Jason. I love you so much. Please, believe me. I'll tell you as many times as you need to hear it. I love you."
A soft kiss was pressed to the younger man's forehead before Dick tugged him back in for a hug. If Dick listened closely, he could just make out the words being muffled against his shoulder.
"I love you I love you I love you I love you-"